


Nobody's Fault But Mine

by nevergone



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Abduction, Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Trauma, Kidnapping, M/M, Panic Attacks, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Trauma Bonding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 58
Words: 239,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22583194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevergone/pseuds/nevergone
Summary: Against his better judgment, Harvey tells Mike he's in love with him mere hours before his wedding with Rachel. Mike panics and calls off the wedding. Harvey then proceeds to take back his love confession causing a huge fight between him and Mike. By morning, Harvey is just...gone.
Relationships: Mike Ross/Harvey Specter
Comments: 166
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

He had been drinking the night before the wedding, editing his best man's speech for the millionth time. It never sounded right, no matter what he wrote. Everything always sounded like a lie when he read it aloud, even if what he was saying were true. 

Sure, he wishes them happiness and the best. _Separately_. Never together.

He ended up giving up on it. He continued drinking until he concluded that he wouldn't attend the wedding. It'd be easier that way. Just stay out of the way and let Mike marry Rachel. He could blame it on a work thing. Jessica would cover for him. She would hate doing it, and scold him about it, but ultimately she'd still cover for him.

Maybe he should have just went to bed then and there that night and everything would have gone differently. But he didn't. 

He kept drinking and then there was a phone call from Donna. She asked him about his speech, and he told her that there was a last-minute work thing with Jessica in Chicago and he wouldn't be attending. He assured her Mike would understand. He's always so understanding. 

And that's when he found out about Seattle and Mike's plans to move there with Rachel after the wedding. He didn't hear anything else Donna said after that because Mike was leaving him. Donna had used the term 'moving'. It wasn't moving, it was _abandoning_. He couldn't help but wonder when exactly Mike was planning to let him know. When he was on the plane there? Once he had settled in?

Guess he would attend the wedding after all. Even if he just pops in momentarily to see Mike. He has to see him before he's gone.

Harvey doesn't sleep well, or at all. He's not sure. Every moment feels blurred into the next. When he wakes up and is alert enough for the gravity of the day to sink in he starts to feel like he's on the verge of a panic attack, so he hurriedly digs his pill bottle out of the nightstand next to the bed, twists off the cap and tosses two into his mouth before washing them down with whatever was left in the bottom of the glass on top of the nightstand. 

\----

He gets there early, wanting to avoid as much of the wedding commotion as possible. He eventually finds Mike alone in a corner room of the house. He's standing in front of a mirror, struggling with his bow tie, tongue slightly jutting out of his mouth the way it does when he's super focused on something. It makes Harvey smile. He savors the moment before finally saying something.

"Need some help?" 

"Hey, what are you doing here so early? Guests aren't supposed to arrive for a couple of hours." Mike stops fidgeting with the tie and turns around and greets Harvey with a hug. Harvey savors every millisecond of it.

"I, unfortunately, have to catch a plane. Jessica needs me."

Mike looks disappointed, but in the way where Harvey can tell he's trying to hide it.

"Is that okay?" Harvey asks.

"It's fine. I understand."

Of course, he does. "So, want some help with that thing or what?"

"I'm all yours," he says, inching closer to Harvey immediately.

Harvey gently reaches up and fixes Mike's tie for him. He lets his hands linger on him for a few seconds longer than needed. "There you go. Perfect. You look good."

"Thank you. You know, if you hadn't been here I might have had to resort to the clip-on one I brought."

"I'm just surprised that was your B plan and not your A."

"Only because I knew you would find out and never let me live it down." 

"Never," Harvey affirms.

Mike takes a step back and takes a breath of air in. "So... guess this means you're not giving a speech?" 

"Uh, no. I guess not. I'm sorry."

"Maybe I can get a private reading of it. I mean the only reason I made you my best man and agreed to this wedding in the first place was for that speech. It would have been nice to hear you _finally_ say some nice things about me," Mike jokes.

Harvey smiles, but the smile disappears as quickly as it had appeared.

Mike notices. "Are you okay?"

Out of nowhere the urge to tell Mike he's in love with him crashes over him like a tidal wave. No. It is Mike's wedding day. You can't do that to him. You can't do that to yourself. He refrains. "It's...nothing. I should probably go."

"Wait...have a shot with me before you go!" Mike doesn't wait for a response before he's gathering up shot glasses from a side table. They loudly clink against the bottle when he scoops it up and returns to Harvey. 

"Don't you think it's a bit too early for this? And I've got a plane to catch. I really shouldn't--" 

"Please, Harvey?" 

Goddamn it. "Okay, just one."

They take a shot together. And he gets talked into a second. Harvey has really got to go, it suddenly feels suffocating just standing next to Mike. They start to say their goodbyes, and Mike wraps his arms around Harvey. "I love you, Harvey," he says against Harvey's ear. It's not romantic at all, but Harvey can't help but take it that way. You hear what you want to hear. "Thanks for coming even if you can't stay," Mike adds.

Harvey nods and pulls away from the hug, desperate to get the fuck out of there. He starts to walk away, but every step feels heavier than the last. The knowledge of Seattle that's been screaming at the forefront of his mind since Donna told him has managed to turn his feet to concrete. "Mike?"

Mike looks up and smiles. Blissfully unaware that Harvey is about to ruin his day. Or life, maybe. "Yeah?" he asks.

Harvey closes the space between them in a hurry. "I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to do it. I'm...I'm in love with you." The words practically freefall from his mouth. Saying it was much easier than he ever expected it to be.

Mike's smile quickly vanishes and is replaced by confusion. "What?"

"I am so fucking in love with you, kid. And I have been, probably since... I don't know. Since I met you."

"Harvey..." Mike's voice is meek. "Why would you say that to me? And why _now_?" Mike looks stunned. He pushes out a breath. "I'm supposed to get married today," Mike states like he has to remind himself of it.

"I know. I don't know why I said it. I guess I just needed you to know. But forget it. Just forget I said anything at all." Forget that I just told you I'm in love with you hours before you marry someone else. Harvey realizes how idiotic that sounds. "I should go now."

"Yeah, you really should," Mike agrees, even though his head is spinning and he has a million questions he wants to ask but they're all stuck in the back of his throat that feels like it's constricting and he's going to choke to death if he doesn't swallow them all back down immediately.

"I'm sorry," Harvey offers up before leaving. It's not an empty apology at all, but it feels like one. In all the scenarios he's run through his head over the years where he tells Mike how he feels about him, no matter how they went, there was always a sense of relief for _finally_ doing it. He doesn't have that now, and he thinks maybe he's glad. What he did wasn't a good thing. It was selfish and horrible. He doesn't deserve to feel relief. 

Ultimately, what he did isn't going to change anything. Mike's _still_ getting married. Mike's _still_ leaving to Seattle.. And Harvey is going home alone to drink every last drop of whatever is left in his liquor cabinet. 

\----

He doesn't quite make it through every drop, but close enough. He wakes up to his head spinning and the sound of his phone ringtone jack-hammering away in his head. He has several missed calls, and he's thankful to have slept through the majority of them. 

He ignores the call and scrambles to find some Tylenol and a glass of water before hopping in the shower.

-

Once he finishes showering, he finally looks through his phone to see what all the missed calls are about. They're mostly from Donna and he calls her back immediately, worried that there might be something wrong. 

There is, of course. And it's the fact that Mike bailed on the wedding. Donna continues talking after she says that but Harvey's mind hasn't even begun to wrap around the fact that Mike canceled his fucking wedding. Because of _him_ and his stupid love confession. The guilt feels overwhelming, and he doesn't know what this means in terms of anything. He thinks of not just Mike, but Rachel, and all her family and friends in attendance. Jesus Christ, what has he done? 

"Donna. Please. Just stop. We'll talk later. I have to go right now."

\-----

Mike tells Harvey that he needs a few days to deal with the aftermath of everything and that he'd give him a call soon so they could get together and talk.

That sounds terrifying. The guilt of it all is still so overwhelming. He feels like he's committed some horrible crime and is just waiting to be locked away forever for it. 

Mike deserves so much better. He deserves somebody that wouldn't wait until the day he's getting married to somebody else to admit they have feelings for him. He should have admitted it right away, the second he felt something. But caring is a weakness or whatever bullshit he tells himself. 

He needs to fix this. Make it all go away. He doesn't deserve Mike and Mike sure as hell doesn't deserve being burdened with him. 

He knows there's no way to backtrack on this without hurting Mike. But Mike will be better for it. Eventually. He hopes.


	2. Chapter 2

"We need to talk about what happened."

"I know. It's been...a lot. Rachel came by this morning and got the last of her things. She was so...forgiving. It made me feel worse than if she had been angry or told me she hated my guts. That would have been understandable." Mike raises the beer bottle to his lips and takes a swig. "Luckily there's plenty of people that _do_ hate me. Pretty sure her dad even has me on a hit list." Mike pauses momentarily before continuing. "I told him I'll pay him back for the wedding. Even if it means I have to move back into my old apartment to afford to do it. Well, technically I told Rachel to tell him. I've been too scared to talk to him face to face."

"I'll give you the money for the wedding," Harvey cuts in. "And I'll talk to Robert. He won't bother you. Nobody will. I promise."

"You don't have to--"

"Yeah, I do. This is all because of me." 

Harvey looks like he wants to say something more, so Mike drowns whatever his response was going to be with a gulp of beer and waits. 

"Mike...I shouldn't have said what I said. Shouldn't have...done what I did." 

"What?" Mike asks, genuinely confused. 

"I shouldn't have told you I loved you. I had been drinking all night and it had been a long week at work and I was--"

This time it's Mike cutting Harvey off. "What the _fuck_ are you talking about?"

"I am just trying to tell you that I didn't mean what I said. This has all been such a huge mistake and I am so sorry." Harvey's voice is almost a whisper but the words ring loud against Mike's ears. 

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Mike shouts and it startles Harvey. "You wrecked my wedding, you told me you were in love with me, which by the way, that is what you said. Not that you loved me but that you were _in love_ with me and now you want to take it all back like it never happened? Just like that?"

"I didn't think you would cancel your wedding."

"Wow, good fucking defense, Harvey. I can see why the firm's gone to shit lately."

"I said I would pay for the wedding."

"I don't give a shit about the money!"

"I'm sorry."

"Are you? Because I think you did this to me on purpose. You wanted to see how far I would go for you. Like you already didn't know it's to the ends of the goddamn Earth. Jesus Christ. I would do anything for you. Because I _am_ in love with you. Always have been. But you know that. You had to. It's why you can get away with hurting me the way you do. Doing shit like this just because you can."

"I don't try to hurt you," Harvey replies softly.

Mike laughs at that. 

"Let me talk to Rachel for you. I-I can fix things."

"I don't want to fix things with Rachel. You can't fix that. But you can fix this though. _We_ can still be fixed."

"I'm sorry," Harvey says again, fully aware he's starting to sound like a broken record, but not quite sure what else to say. "I do care about you, Mike. A lot," he adds.

"Bullshit. You don't care about anybody but yourself. You're miserable and lonely and it killed you to see me being something other than what you are."

Something about that accusation makes Harvey suddenly feel very defensive. "Give me a goddamn break. You couldn't dump Rachel fast enough. Do you think you would have been happy playing house with her? Because that's all you were doing. _Pretending_. You aren't any less miserable or lonely than I am." Harvey downs the rest of his Scotch. "Maybe you should be thanking me for giving you a way out."

Mike laughs incredulously. "You ruin my life and think I should thank you for it. If that's not the most Harvey Specter thing I've ever heard."

"I ruined your life by not letting you marry somebody that you didn't love?"

"I loved her!"

"You loved the idea of her. But tell me this, Mike? When you close your eyes to kiss her, when you fuck her, who exactly were you imaging it actually was? Was it her? Or was it--" Harvey knows he's just being a dick now, but he can't seem to stop himself. And to be honest, he would actually like to know the answer to the question.

"Shut up." Harvey always was good at using the truth as a weapon. Always armed and dangerous. "You're an asshole. And I'm leaving." Mike shouts before yanking his jacket off the back of the chair and throwing it over his shoulder.

"Go ahead, leave. That's what you're good at, after all."

"Excuse me?"

"Seattle ring a bell? You think I wouldn't find out about your little plan to run off to Seattle?"

Mike walks back into the room. "So that's what this is really about? You found out I was going to leave you, just like everybody else has, and you panicked and played the only card you had left. Do you ever think there's a reason everybody leaves you? That maybe it's because you deserve it."

Mike's not so bad at using the truth as a weapon either. 

"I don't know, do you ever think that's why your parents are gone? You deserved it." The words leave a disgusting taste in his mouth when he says them. It's way too far, and Harvey feels like a monster for even being able to say something like that, for being able to say something like that to Mike of all people. 

Mike looks like Harvey just ripped the beating heart out of his chest. And he thinks he would have preferred that. Tears automatically start to well up in the corners of his eyes.

He doesn't say anything. There's nothing to respond with and he isn't sure he can speak without his voice shaking. He lowers his head and moves towards the door.

Harvey rushes to catch up to him. He grabs his arm in an attempt to make him stop. "Mike! Wait! I'm so fucking sorry. You know I didn't mean that."

"Just leave me alone, Harvey. _Please_."

Mike softly closes the door behind him, and Harvey wishes he would have slammed it.


	3. Chapter 3

Mike drinks himself into oblivion when he gets home. He wants to forget it all. Mostly, he just wants to forget Harvey. He wants to go back to a time when he was miserable without Harvey, instead of with.  
  
This whole week has been an unimaginable nightmare, only worse because at least nightmares you get to wake up from. There's no escape or reprieve from this. He was supposed to get _married_ a week ago. And maybe Harvey is right, maybe he would have just been pretending, but isn't that what he's been doing since he met Harvey? _Pretending_. Hell, he went to prison for pretending. Marriage wouldn't have been a prison. Or maybe it would have felt like one eventually. He doesn't know.

It doesn't matter now. The only thing that matters is numbing the pain, and trying to drown Harvey's words with alcohol. He's not a stranger to Harvey saying cruel things to him. _You're nothing without me_ , is something that will still sometimes pop up in his mind and send a twinge of pain through his chest. He's also not a stranger to Harvey telling him he deserves bad things. When he had been assaulted by Tess's husband, Harvey told him he got off easy. Mike had nightmares and panic attacks for _months_ after the attack. _Easy_. 

He knows he's not totally innocent either. He said hurtful things to Harvey, too. Targeted his insecurities. 

Maybe he should have approached the conversation differently. In between drinks he has a thousand different conversations in his head about how he should have handled it. Maybe Harvey was just scared. Maybe Harvey panicked the way he did. Maybe it has nothing to do with loneliness and wanting the worse for him. Maybe he wants the best for him and Harvey thinks he's not that. Or maybe Mike's just far too drunk now and desperately trying to make himself feel better. Trying to make himself feel anything but the heavy, crushing sadness that is seeping into his chest and drowning him from the inside out. 

He drinks until he feels sick, and then drinks a little more. When he can no longer fight sleep, he curls up on the couch with a blanket and embraces the impending unconsciousness. 

\----

Harvey knew he was going to hurt Mike. That was the point of having him come over to talk, after all, to break his fucking heart. Mission accomplished. He feels like shit. Mike should go to Seattle and never talk to him again. He won't though, and Harvey knows it. He'll stay, and he'll talk to him again. He'll even forgive him. He hates that. 

He pours drink after drink in an attempt to erase the night and everything leading up to it from his mind. It's useless, and he knows it, but at the very least maybe he'll pass out and get a few hours away from it all. 

He eventually stumbles down the hallway to his bedroom and rips the covers from the bed. He had only meant to pull them back far enough to crawl under, but now they were halfway on the floor and he's far too inebriated to care about picking them up so he opts to just lay on top of the sheet. He digs his phone out of his pocket and tosses it on the nightstand with a thud. 

He falls asleep almost immediately. 

\- 

A pounding at the door jars him awake. He rolls over to look at the clock through blurry vision. 4:07 AM. Who the hell would be pounding on his door at 4 in the morning?

He doesn't care. He rolls back over and into his pillow. 

'Shit. What if it's _Mike_?' he realizes.

He shoots out of bed a little too fast and it makes him dizzy and he wants to throw up everything he had drank. He takes a quick moment to steady himself before continuing to the door. 

\----

Mike lays in bed until long after the sun disappears from the sky. Only ever getting out of it to use the bathroom. For as much as he drank, he doesn't feel nearly as awful as he should have. But maybe it's the other ways he feels awful helping to balance it out.

Every so often he'll grab his phone and check it to see if there's anything from Harvey. Nothing. He's definitely not surprised, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't sting a little. He's tempted to call him, but not this time. At least, not yet. It's too soon and everything is still so fresh, and he just wants to fall back asleep. He hasn't slept away enough of the pain yet.

He turns on the tv and flips through the channels until he gets bored of doing it and shuts it off. He rolls over in bed and wills himself back to sleep. 

-

The next few days blend into each other. Mike sleeps and drinks a lot and not too much of anything else. Besides thinking. He does way too much of that. Finally, his phone rings, it's the first time in days he's heard it. It's Donna. Typical.

He doesn't answer. He's not interested in her trying to smooth things over for Harvey. 

She calls back again. He ignores it. 

The third time, he figures he better answer the damn thing, because she's nothing if not persistent. 

"What?"

"I believe the word you were looking for is 'hello'."

"I'm sorry. Hello," he corrects.

"Better. How have you been?"

"I'm all right. Did Harvey tell you to call me?"

"What? No. I'm actually calling about Harvey. I was wondering if you've talked to him or seen him lately?"

"Not for a couple of days."

"Hmm," she replies. 

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. He just hasn't been in the office in a few days and his phone is going to voicemail. I figure he's just dealing with all the...wedding stuff. I didn't want to bother him too much. I know how he gets."

"Probably a good plan. We, uh, actually had a pretty bad fight when I was with him last so, yeah, he's probably laying low."

"Oh," Donna says. 

"Yeah..." Mike trails off. 

"Are you okay?"

"Not really," Mike replies, not bothering to lie like he normally would. 

"Sorry. You know if you want to take your mind off things, I have some pro bonos lying around here somewhere."

"Appreciate the offer, but not right now. I'm not ready."

"I understand. Just know there's no expiration date on this offer."

"Thanks."

"No problem. I have to get back to things here, you know you can't leave Louis unattended for more than ten minutes or it'll be total chaos. If you hear from Harvey, can you let me know?"

"I doubt I will, but sure. I'll do that."

"Thanks. Take care of yourself, Mike. Bye."

"Goodbye."

Mike hangs up and immediately scrolls to Harvey's number in his phone. His thumb lingers over the call button for a long time before he backs out of it and tosses the phone back on the bed and lays down next to it.


	4. Chapter 4

Another day passes, and Mike finally gives in. He dials Harvey's number. He can't tell if it's the courage he's worked up to do it or just a simple act of stupidity. He's leaning towards the latter.

It rings once. His heart starts racing. He hasn't even decided what he's going to say or why he's even calling. It rings again. He wants to hang-up but holds out just a little bit longer. The ringing stops and he hears the phone pick up. Nobody says anything. 

"Hello?" Mike finally says.

No answer. He can, however, hear faint breathing on the other end of the line.

"Harvey? Are you there?"

Still no answer. He hears the phone disconnect.

What the hell was that about? He dials the number again, this time it goes directly to voicemail. For whatever reason, it sends a shiver down Mike's spine. 

He decides he's going over to Harvey's place. After a much-needed shower, of course. 

-  
As Mike is headed to Harvey's there's a part of him that thinks maybe the weird phone thing was just a plan by Harvey to get him to come over or to get him to worry about him. Or maybe the phone was just the result of a bad connection and this is Mike's subconscious way of giving him an excuse to go see Harvey. 

Either way, he's outside his place. He gets out of the Uber and shuts the door behind him and there's nothing left to do but go inside. 

He takes a deep breath (or five) before knocking on the door. 

No answer. He knocks again, this time with more intent.

Still no answer.

"Harvey? You in there? It's Mike."

Nothing. 

Mike turns the doorknob. It's not locked, so he slowly opens the door and lets himself inside. "Harvey?" he says again, quietly making his way down the hallway and into the kitchen. He doesn't see anybody at first glance. 

There are alcohol bottles littering the countertops and coffee table, but outside of that, the place looks immaculate. 

Mike moves towards the bedroom, and peaks inside. "Harvey?" he whispers, on the off chance he's sleeping. 

Harvey isn't there and the bed is unmade. Something is starting to feel off. He yells Harvey's name this time. Loud. 

He checks every room in the house, and they're all empty. He goes to the kitchen and checks where Harvey normally keeps his car keys. They're there. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, just that he didn't go anywhere in his vehicle. Not exactly a strange concept in New York. 

He digs his phone from his pocket and dials Harvey's number. Voicemail.

_Hey, Harvey. It's Mike. Please call me back when you get this._

The next number he dials is Donna's. 

"Hello, Mike, whatever it is, make it quick. I've got a meeting in two minutes."

"I was just wondering if you've heard from Harvey."

"Can't say that I have. Why? Have you?"

"No. But I called him today and somebody picked up but they wouldn't say anything, then it went to voicemail, so now I'm standing inside his place and he's not here."

"That's good, isn't it? It means he's not holed up in his house and that maybe he can get his ass back to work soon to help out."

"Yeah, I guess...it's just, don't you think it's weird? His door was unlocked, his keys are still here, and his bed isn't made."

Donna laughs. " _My_ door is unlocked, _my_ keys are at home and _my_ bed isn't made either. I don't think there's anything weird about it. Quit worrying. He'll be home. I've got to let you go, Mike."

"All right. Bye."  


Mike settles down on the couch. He'll just wait for him to come home. He's not sure how Harvey will feel seeing him randomly sitting in his place like some kind of stalker, but he doesn't care. He's starting to get worried. 

He attempts to call Harvey a few more times, but its always the voicemail he gets. He half wonders if he had dreamt that the phone was answered earlier. It's not like he's been in the best state of mind lately.  
  
He waits. And waits. Harvey never comes home and it's always the goddamn voicemail.  


-

He doses off at some point and is startled awake by his phone ringing. He fumbles around in the darkness for it, finally finding it wedged between the cushions of the couch. 

The screen reads: _Harvey Specter_

He can't answer it fast enough. "Harvey?"

"Mike?"

"Thank god. Where are you at? I was getting worried."

"I just needed to get away for a little."

"Well, when are you coming back?"

"I'll be home soon."

"Are you okay? You sound kind of weird."

"I'm okay. Just really tired. But my phone is dying so I have to go."

"Okay, but can you at least tell me when you'll be back?"

"Soon. I have to go. I love you, Mike, and I'm sorry," Harvey quickly adds. 

Click. 

Mike's next phone call is to the police. Something is very wrong. 

\-----

Harvey breathes a sigh of relief when the cold steel that had been pressed hard against his forehead is removed and he hears the safety click back in place. His relief is short-lived though because the butt of the gun is connecting hard right above his left eye. He briefly sees stars before they're drowned by blood pouring down into his eye making him see a blur of crimson. 

"I-I did what you asked," he stutters. 

"When did I ask you to say 'I love you' to him?"

"When did you ask me not to?"

That response earns Harvey a hard kick to the ribs that sends him into a coughing fit. "Fucking lawyers. Always trying to find some loophole."

Between coughs, Harvey watches the man as he starts to pry apart his phone. "What are you doing to my phone?" 

"We're not going to be needing this anymore," he informs him as he finishes up and shoves the now dissected phone into his coat pocket and disappears from Harvey's view momentarily.  
  
He comes back with something in his hand that Harvey can't quite make out. He wishes it wasn't so goddamn dark down here.  


"I'm going to give you something that will help you sleep. I don't want a repeat of what happened last time I left, and I don't think you do either. Isn't that right?"

Harvey doesn't respond.

"Answer me!" he demands. 

"No," Harvey says quietly.

"See? That wasn't so hard." 

The man ready's a needle and jabs it deep into Harvey's skin without hesitation and before Harvey has a chance to protest. Not that it would have mattered.

Harvey tries to keep his eyes open if only to say he tried. It's a futile effort, and sleep swallows him whole almost instantaneously.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gold stars to anybody who's able to still stick with this even with all my back and forth timeline jumping. Hopefully, it's not _too_ confusing!

Mike regrets even calling the police about halfway through their visit with him. 

"Could you tell me the last time you had contact with Mr. Specter?"

"I talked to him right before I called."

The officer jots something down in a small notepad resting on his lap. "And did he tell you he was in danger or sound like he required help?"

"Well, not exactly. But he sounded weird."

"He sounded weird," the officer repeated. "Weird how?"

"Weird like...I don't know. It's hard to explain. He just didn't sound like himself."

"I see. Did you ask him about it?"

"I asked if he was okay and he said he was just tired."

"You don't think that could be true? That he was just tired?"

"I mean, of course, it _could_ be true. He could also be lying."

"Why do you think Mr. Specter would lie to you about that?"

"I don't know!" Mike's frustration is starting to come through in his answers.

"I'm going to have to ask you to calm down. Understood?

  
Mike nods his head but makes it a point not to apologize.  


Can you tell me what else you talked about with him?"

."We didn't really talk, he told me his phone was dying and that he'd be home soon."

"Did it worry you that he said he'd be home soon?"

"N--no. What kind of stupid question is that? I feel like you're not taking this seriously at all."

"I assure you we take every call we get very seriously. After he told you he'd be home soon, what happened?"

It almost feels like he's being taunted at this point. He opts to leave out the part where Harvey told him he loved him, which, incidentally was the most concerning part to Mike. The tone he said it in and the fact that he even said it at all after what had happened between them a few days earlier was the biggest indicator to him that something was wrong. They wouldn't understand that though. Nobody would.

"We just said goodbye," he lies.

"I see. I just want to make sure I've got this correct, he called you, he didn't ask you for help or tell you he was in any sort of trouble. He sounded off but explained that it was because he was tired, and then he told you he'd be coming home soon and you said goodbye from there. Is this all accurate?"

His tone is mocking and Mike hates him for it. 

"What about the door? The door was unlocked. Why would he leave the door unlocked if he was leaving for multiple days? Does that make _any_ fucking sense to you?" Mike is desperate for him to admit at least _one_ aspect of this whole thing is suspicious and figures that is his best shot.

"I'm going to need you to calm down, Mr. Ross. I won't ask you again."

The second officer that had been walking around the house makes an appearance and motions for his partner to join him. "sit tight for a second," he says, and it sounds more like a warning than a request. He closes his notebook and tucks it along with his pen back into his pocket before getting up. 

Mike briefly watches as they converse and tries to read their lips. They're angled in a way that it makes it near impossible so he gives up, not caring because he knows they aren't going to be any help.  
Eventually, they walk back towards him. 

"Mr. Ross, my partner took a look around and we've concluded there are no signs of a struggle. That, combined with the information you provided us, there's no reason to believe that Mr. Specter is in any sort of danger."

"And what if he is?"

"If there's actual evidence of him being in danger, then, by all means, call us back. Let me give you my number." He pulls a card from his pocket and holds it out for Mike.

Mike takes it because it's not worth doing anything but that.

\----

**_We've concluded that there are no signs of a struggle._**  


  


'Shit. What if it's Mike?' he realizes.

He shoots out of bed a little too fast and it makes him dizzy and he wants to throw up everything he had drank. He takes a quick moment to steady himself before continuing to the door.

Harvey answers the door and feels the quick sting of something in his neck and everything is rapidly swallowed by black.

When he drifts back into consciousness, he is greeted by more darkness. Except for this time, there is a little bit of light. Not much, but enough to see his surroundings and quickly realize that something is very wrong and he needs to get the fuck out of here. 

He's seated on the cold, hard concrete ground with his arms tied tightly around a pole. He attempts to move his arms but there's no give whatsoever in the ropes. He's pretty sure that he's losing circulation.  


He wants to scream for help but there's something stuffed in his mouth, held in place by what feels like an entire roll of duct tape. 

All he can smell is mildew and the smell makes him sick to his stomach. 

There's nothing to do but wait and let the dread grow inside of him minute by minute. 

-

The sound of a creaking door cuts through the silence. There's a quick flash of light, and then it leaves with the sound of the door closing. There's footsteps down the steps. Twelve steps. Harvey counts them, he's not sure why. 

His heart thumps against his chest, louder and in sync with each footstep of the person approaching him. 

The man is tall, medium build. Slightly bigger than Harvey and a few years older, definitely not more than five at most. He has dark hair, with the tiniest bit of grey peppered through. It's combed back neatly, every hair perfectly in place. There's a small amount of stubble on his face, as if he hasn't shaved in a few days. He looks so... _normal_ , and not at all like a monster that keeps somebody tied up in their basement. 

"Let's get this off of you. It's no fun if only one of us can talk," he says before proceeding to yank the duct tape off of Harvey's face. He's not gentle about it. 

Harvey spits out whatever the hell was stuffed in his mouth and coughs a few times, trying to expel the bitter taste it had left in his mouth. 

"Better?" the man asks. 

Harvey figures that's rhetorical. "What do you want from me? Money? I can get you money."

The man scoffs. "I don't want your filthy money."

"Then what? Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'll be back in a little bit. Don't yell or I'll gag you again," he warns before shifting his weight and walking back towards the stairs.

"Wait! Can you loosen my ropes a little bit? I won't try to get out of them. It just feels like it's cutting off my circulation. Please." 

" _Please_? If you're already saying please to me, maybe this isn't going to be as fun as I thought."

The man turns back around and disappears behind Harvey. He can feel the tiniest bit of slack in the ropes, just enough for him to wiggle his fingers and then it's gone. He didn't think it was possible, but the ropes now feel even tighter than before.

"There you go, buddy."

"Fuck you," Harvey hisses.

"Now, _that's_ more like it," the man smiles.

He goes back up the stairs, and the door slams shut behind him.

**_It leaves us no reason to believe that Mr. Specter is currently in any sort of danger._ **


	6. Chapter 6

Mike manages to get the security tapes from Harvey's building, and the next several hours are spent trawling through them. He's only managed to make it through three days of footage when daylight is already starting to be stolen by the night. He rubs his eyes and gets up to turn on a light and takes a quick break to stretch before getting right back into it.

He's not exactly sure what he's looking for. Harvey strolling out of the building on his own accord? Suspicious figures? _Everybody_ is starting to look suspicious the further back he goes in the footage and the further the clock on the wall winds ahead. 

He can barely keep his eyes open when he happens to catch a small glitch in the tape. He rewinds it and watches again. Ah, maybe it was nothing. He rewinds it a couple more times, this time focusing on the timestamp. He realizes it skips an entire two hours. 

It's the same night of their fight, just a few short hours later. There's a part of him that thinks that maybe that means he did leave on his own accord, but every fiber of his being screams and drowns that part out and tells him that there's no chance in hell that Harvey left willingly.

Mike gathers up everything and takes it back to the security office, not before making himself a copy of where the glitch happens. 

"You're still here," Mike says, surprised to see the same man that gave him the tapes.

"I'm always here, kid. Find what you were looking for?" the security guard asks. 

"Not exactly. But I did find that there are two hours missing, from a week ago. It happens between 3-5 AM. Who was working that night? Was it you?"

"Uhhh, let's see, that was, what, Monday?"

"Yeah, it was Monday," Mike confirms.

"Okay, yeah, then that would have been me."

"Did anything weird happen that night? Any people come into the building that you've never seen before? What about Harvey, do you remember seeing him?"

"Woah, slow down on the questions, kid. The man pauses to think. " I don't remember anybody suspicious that night. I had a couple of teenagers loitering that I had to shoe away, but not much excitement other than that. Can't say I remember seeing Harvey either."

This is proving to be a waste of time.

"Oh wait, you know what, that was the night I had a call about a busted pipe in the basement. They told me maintenance was supposed to take care of it but never showed. It's typically dead around here at that time, and I'm pretty handy myself so I figured I'd see if I could go quick take care of it. I went down there and didn't see anything wrong with any of the pipes, so I came back up."

"How long do you think were gone?"

"Couldn't have been more than thirty minutes tops."

"You were gone _thirty_ fucking minutes? You shouldn't have fucking left at all. You should have been watching!" Mike snaps at him.

"Look, kid," he replies, his tone now threatening, "I shouldn't have given you that security footage either, but I did because sometimes you make a judgment call and don't always do the thing you should do." 

"I'm sorry."

"Okay. Why don't you let me go over these tapes myself? Sometimes it's good to have a second set of eyes, might see something you missed. That work?"

"Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks."

Mike goes back home and drinks his dinner from a liquor bottle and tries to plot out his next move. 

\-----

With no way of knowing, the seconds, minutes, hours and days all feel equal in length. His entire body aches, and he wishes he had the gag back in his mouth if only so it could stop his teeth from chattering so hard that they feel like they're going to shatter. It's so fucking cold. 

He hates that he feels some weird sense of relief when he hears the door open again and footsteps coming towards him.

"You're awake," the man says.

Harvey's drifted in and out of consciousness so many times that he wonders how many times he's been down those stairs and he just didn't hear him. 

"Thought I'd bring you something to eat," he says as he tilts the small saucer downward so Harvey can see from his place on the ground.

"I'm not hungry," Harvey lies out of spite. 

"You're eating." It's not a request. 

The man walks behind Harvey and loosens the ropes and guides just one of Harvey's arms free. It falls down and beside him, all dead weight. Harvey winces. It almost feels as painful free from the rope than it had felt constricted by it. 

"I think you might have been right about these ropes cutting off your circulation. Oh well," he adds before cinching the rope to his left arm tighter. 

The man disappears briefly and there is the sound of a chair being scraped against the cement floor. He pulls it right in front of Harvey, reaches behind him and pulls out a gun before sitting down. "Eat your food. Don't try anything stupid."

Harvey feels like he has to will his hand to pick up the food and get it into his mouth and swallowing it is an even bigger battle. Eating peanut butter and jelly with a gun pointed at his head is a far cry from steak dinners at a Michelin star restaurant. 

He manages to finish it and is given a bottle of water to wash it down with. 

"You need to use the bathroom? If not, we're going to get you tied back up."

Even if he didn't (He did) Harvey wasn't going to say no and willingly allow himself to get tied back up right away. 

"Yes."

The rope is undone and Harvey's second arm joins the first. Free for the first time in god knows how long. There's not much time to enjoy it before his arms are being yanked backward and the rope is replaced with zip-ties that force his wrists together. At least this doesn't hurt nearly as much. 

He jerks Harvey to his feet, who briefly Harvey catches a glimpse of the gun he sat down before the man snatches it back up. Harvey wonders if he saw him see it.  
"Just walk and don't try anything," the man warns. 

Harvey's lead down a dark hallway and pushed into a small bathroom that's barren of everything but a toilet and a rusty showerhead with a drain in the floor.

"I am going to undo your hands, if you do anything but what you're supposed to be doing, you will regret it. Understand?"

Harvey nods. 

"Say it."

"I understand."

Harvey pisses and feels eyes burning a hole through him the whole time. He tries to look around and see if there's something he can grab or a way that he can make some sort of move to escape. There's nothing.  
He has every intention of just playing it safe, at least until he has a better plan, but as they get closer and closer to where he's going to be tied back up for endless hours alone, he just wants to get the fuck out of here and is willing to take his chances without a plan.

"Stay still," the man orders. Harvey waits until he hears the sound of the zip ties being snipped, it's a barely-there sound but it sounds like a cannon going off to Harvey.

He throws his head back as hard as he can and connects with the man so hard that he throws himself completely off balance. He collects himself quickly and then races for the steps and has his hand on the doorknob when he feels hands gripping his ankles and suddenly gravity is sending him crashing down, his chin bouncing off the top step. 

Harvey rapidly kicks as hard as he can to attempt to loosen the grip that the man has on his ankle. He manages to break free momentarily and scrambles to get back up on his feet, but the man's weight comes crashing down on top of him all at once and he's hit in the back of the head hard enough to instantly send his vision swimming. 

He feels several more blows landing on various parts of his body. Mostly his ribs. He's then flipped over and punched directly in the face and that officially takes the last bit of fight out of him. He's dragged down the stairs from there. He tries to move his body to cushion some of the impacts from it, but it doesn't seem to help much, if at all. Twelve goddamn steps.

Bruised, bloody and breathless, he's tied back up.

The stranger takes a moment to catch his own breath and dabs at the blood on his face checking to see how much Harvey had made him bleed. "Was that worth it to you?" he asks.

"Yes," Harvey manages to say.

"We'll see about that."

And then he's gone and Harvey is right back where he never wanted to be again.


	7. Chapter 7

Harvey gasps for air when the ice-cold water hits his skin, drenching him from head to toe. He had been sleeping or had at least drifted into unconsciousness, he's not sure he can tell the difference between the two these days. He's not sure he cares.

The man sets the bucket down before crouching down in front of Harvey. He reaches for Harvey's face and he instinctively tries to pull away.

"Just let me look at you," he says as he gently grips Harvey's chin. "I really did a number on you, huh? You still think it was worth it?"

"Yes," Harvey says, unwilling to ever give him the satisfaction. 

The man laughs. "Yeah, I'll bet it was. Anyways, I got some good news and thought I'd share it with you."

"You're letting me go?" Harvey suggests sarcastically, knowing full well he isn't.

"Oh come on, Harvey. We've barely scratched the surface of getting to know each other. Letting you go now would have made this all a waste of time for both of us."

Harvey doesn't even pretend to know what that means, but he decides to use it as an opportunity to get some information. "How can I get to know you if you haven't even told me your name?"

"That's a good point. I'm Luke," he introduces.

"Luke," Harvey repeats. "Wouldn't want to share your last name with the class by chance, would you?"

"Nah. Can't give out too much information. There's a lot of dangerous people out there, after all. I'm sure you can understand."

"Of course. Can't be too safe," Harvey replies. "So what's the good news?" 

"The good news is that the little stunt you pulled on the phone with Mike the other day, well, it turns out it didn't matter."

"What... are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb. It's unbecoming. The way your voice sounded with him and the off-script 'I love you' and 'sorry' you threw at him? You might as well have told him to call the police."

"That's not what I was doing," he denies.

"Well, whether you were doing it on purpose or not, it worked. Mike sure was worried about you. The poor kid actually called the cops to report you missing," Luke chuckled. "Can you believe that? The officers all but laughed him out of the room and told him to call back when he has a real crime to report."

Harvey feels his heart sink into the pit of his stomach. "How do you even know what Mike is doing?"

"Because I've been watching him. The same way I was watching you before well...all of this," he answers, his hands gesturing towards Harvey and the basement surroundings.

"Look, I don't care what you do to me, but leave Mike out of this. _Please_."

"Mmm, that word sounds good coming out of your mouth. Say it one more time and I'll consider it."

Harvey doesn't hesitate. " _Please_."

"Good boy. You're making me hate that I have to end this conversation short, I feel like we're just starting to make some progress, but I, unfortunately, have some things that need taken care of. Maybe you should try to get some sleep?"

Harvey wants to tell him to go fuck himself, but he's too exhausted and it wouldn't do him any good, so he bites his tongue and watches in silence as he leaves and listens for the door to go shut.

\----

Mike spends the day visiting every place he can think of that Harvey frequents. Bars, restaurants, anything that he remembers Harvey ever talking about with him. He asks dozens of questions to hundreds of strangers, but their answers are always the same hopeless shit. 

He makes his last stop a bar close by that Harvey mentioned to him not that long ago. If nothing else, maybe he'll be able to rinse the taste of defeat from his mouth. 

He orders a drink and questions the bartender. He knows Harvey but says he hasn't seen him in a while. The bartender sees the disappointment wash over Mike's face.

"Everything all right with him?" he asks.

"Yeah. He's fine," Mike replies. He's not sure if that's a lie. He hopes it isn't. He tosses back the rest of his drink and throws some money on the counter. "Thanks." 

Since it's only a few blocks away, Mike decides to walk to Harvey's place instead of going home to his for the night. 

It doesn't take long to get there, even with Mike walking at a slower than usual pace, hoping the crisp air would help clear his mind. 

When he gets to Harvey's place he checks the door first to make sure it's still locked as he left it. It is, so he uses the key Harvey had given him to let himself inside. 

Mike turns on some lights and decides to grab a trash bag from under the sink to clean up the empty bottles that are scattered around from _that_ night. 

_'Do you ever think there's a reason everybody leaves you? That maybe it's because you deserve it.'_

Mike's own words relentlessly taunt him. He decides to look through Harvey's liquor cabinet and see what he can temporarily drown them with. 

He only manages to get through half a bottle before he starts drifting in and out, sheer exhaustion taking over. He attempts to adjust himself a few times on the couch, but he just can't get comfortable, so he gets up and goes into Harvey's room and crawls under the covers of his bed. 

Mike's immediately comforted by the fact that the sheets smell like him. He takes a deep breath and can feel the tears starting to form in his eyes. He tries to wipe them away but they're coming too fast. He gives up and just lets them fall.

He misses Harvey so fucking much. 

\----

Harvey can't stop thinking about everything Luke had said, and he wonders if any of it is even true. Did Mike actually call the cops? Did they really not care? The only thing he was sure of is that he had access to Mike. He could hurt him if he wanted to. The thought makes Harvey feel sick to his stomach. 

As if Mike hasn't suffered enough because of him already, now there's _this_. 

"Fuck!" Harvey shouts, pent up frustration getting the better of him. He's half-expecting the door to open and to hear footsteps coming down those 12 fucking steps like it's some nightmarish version of Groundhog Day. But nobody comes. He probably has this place fucking soundproof, he thinks to himself. 

He tries to move his arms around to see if he can even the slightest bit of room to work with and get himself free. A burning sensation shoots from his shoulders down to his fingers, and it's a strange contrast to how cold the rest of his body is. 

He works at it for what must have been at least an hour or more and has gotten exactly nowhere. They're just too tight. 

He sees the light from the door opening before he hears it and it makes him squeeze his eyes shut. 

"Brought you dinner," Luke announces before putting it in front of Harvey and walking around him to set one of his arm's free. The speed at which he's able to untie the ropes makes Harvey feel equally shitty about having worked that hard for no progress. It makes him feel particularly pathetic. 

"Go ahead, eat," Luke says, dragging his chair over one-handed and sitting down in it. 

"Do I have a choice?"

"No."

With a shaky hand, Harvey lifts the sandwich to his mouth and takes a bite. 

"You're shivering," Luke points out in a surprised tone. As if he's not the one keeping him tied up on a cold basement floor. As if he's not the one who didn't just dump a gallon of ice-cold water all over Harvey hours earlier.

Harvey finishes his food and down his drink without a word.

"Not too talkative tonight, are you?" Luke slides off his chair and crouches down in front of Harvey. He places his hand on the side of Harvey's face and gently brushes over it with this thumb, Harvey tries to turn away from it.

Any gentleness is gone as he grabs Harvey's face and turns it towards him. He slides both hands down and wraps them around his throat, tightening ever so slowly. Harvey tries to reach up with his free arm, but Luke seems to barely notice it's there, clawing away at him.

"Because I happen to like you, I'm going to let you have a nice, hot shower and a change of clothes. Would you like that?"

Harvey can't even breathe, let alone respond. 

"Just nod your head," Luke commands. 

Harvey nods and Luke let's go of him. Harvey coughs and gasps for air. 

"Now. Do we need to waste time with me explaining why you shouldn't try to escape?"

Harvey shakes his head, still unable to say anything. 

Luke unties him and his now both arms are free. It's starting to feel foreign anytime he has his arms in the place they are supposed to be. 

Harvey is guided down the hallway and into the bathroom. Luke orders him to take his clothes off and get in the shower. Harvey obeys, slowly peeling off the damp clothes that had been clinging to his skin.

He turns the shower on and to his surprise, the water is hot. Or maybe he's merely so cold that it _feels_ hot. 

He lets the water pour over him and watches the red swirl down the drain. He grabs the soap and cleans himself off. There's a few time's that he's a little too rough where there's a fresh bruise or cut and it makes him recoil in pain. 

For the majority of the time, he can see Luke's shadow through the thin shower curtain, standing guard right outside the bathroom, but he disappears about halfway in, and Harvey figures it's probably some sort of test. It's one that he's not going to fall for. 

It's probably another twenty minutes before he reappears. He sets something on the edge of the sink. "Time's up. Get dressed."

Harvey shuts the water off and tries to stretch to grab the towel. He can't quite reach it so he hops out quickly and wraps the towel around himself. Luke isn't there and that's a relief. 

He carefully dries off, remembering which spots were particularly sore and gets dressed. It's a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

As he's changing he happens to catch a glimpse of himself in the fogged-up mirror. He clears the mirror with his hand. He looks horrible. His face is swollen and bruised. He has a gash above his eye that looks like it needs stitches from being hit with the gun. He gently touches it. He looks at his finger to see the small stain of blood it left on his finger. 

His arms and wrists are a mixture of purple, blue, yellow and green and he can see the imprint of the rope on them in certain places.

He surveys the rest of his body. Its just bruises upon bruises. There's a particularly vicious one on his right side where Luke had caught him so hard with his boot that he thought he might have broken a rib. He still isn't sure he didn't.

"I wish you wouldn't have tried to run," Luke says, his voice startling Harvey. "I don't like having to hurt you," he adds.

Harvey races to put back on his shirt. 

"How was your shower? Water warm enough?"

"It was good. Thank you," Harvey replies. Saying thank you to this monster made Harvey feel dirty all over again.

"You're welcome. Let's get you back."

He walks Harvey back to his spot and Harvey sits down and reaches his hands behind to be tied back up without being asked. 

He hates having to be so fucking compliant.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please heed the warnings! I don't want anybody stumbling into something they don't want to read.

It's noon by the time Mike rolls out of bed. He can't believe he slept that long, but he's certainly grateful for it. He makes some coffee and then he's out the door, a new list of things to accomplish in tow. 

His first stop is Benjamin. He does his best to sneak through the office without being noticed by anybody. He's not in the mood to talk to anybody or answer any questions, he only wants to ask them. He makes it through mostly unscathed, only one stranger asking him for directions, much to his relief. 

He wants to know what Benjamin knows about tracking cell phones. He wishes he would have thought to come here right after Harvey had made the call to him, but he had been so thrown off by it that it never even crossed his mind until now.

Mike doesn't exactly explain the situation, not entirely, but he gives him enough information that he shouldn't _need_ the entire situation explained to him to be able to hopefully help him in some way.  
Benjamin agrees to help, after he accepts his bribe of bacon, though Mike thinks he would have agreed to help even without the bribe. He tells Mike he'll call him once he finds out anything. 

Mike sneaks his way back out of the office, and his next stop is Sean Cahill's office.

"What are you doing here, Mike? And more importantly what do you want?" Cahill asks, not bothering to look up from the paper's neatly lined up on the desk in front of him.

"How'd you? You know what, nevermind. I do need your help with something."

"I know."

"How?"

"Because the only time I ever see you or Harvey is when you two idiots have gotten yourself into some sort of trouble and want me to save your ass."

"Harvey's missing." 

Sean finally looks up, steel-blue eyes gleaming with curiosity. "What do you mean he's 'missing'?" 

"Like missing. Gone. Nobody's seen him for over two weeks."

"If that's true, then why is this the first I'm hearing about it? Shouldn't there be missing posters plastered all over New York for the great Harvey Specter?"

"Because nobody, except for me, thinks he's missing."

"Maybe it's not that they don't think he's missing, maybe it's just that they don't care. I mean he's screwed over half this town, I wouldn't be surprised if--" Sean stops himself when he sees the look on Mike's face.

"I'm--sorry," he apologizes. "Have you filed a missing person's report?"

"I tried. It didn't go so well. You see, I received a call from Harvey and he told me that he'd be home soon and just needed some time away. So, I don't know, I guess they just think he's taking a vacation or some shit."

"But _you_ don't believe that? Why not?"

"Because when I talked to him he didn't sound like himself, and he said he loved me and he was sorry and then the call disconnected," Mike explains like it makes all the sense in the world.

"Mike...I think you just might be overreacting. Sure, Harvey saying that he loves anybody but himself and actually apologizing for something seems uncharacteristic of him, but I don't think it means he's in trouble."

"You're not listening to me. At the wedding with Rachel--"

"I know about what happened at the wedding," Sean cuts him off. "I think everybody does," he adds.

"Okay, but what you don't know is that Harvey told me he regretted doing it and we got into a huge fight about it. So, does it make sense for him to call me a few days later out of the blue and say he loves me again and that he's sorry."

"That sounds _exactly_ like something Harvey would do. And I know that's not what you want to hear but--"

"You know what, forget it," Mike snaps, already halfway out the door.

"Mike, wait!"

Mike turns around. 

"Exactly what kind of help are you expecting from me?"

"I just wanted you to look into people that were friends or acquaintances with Frank Gallo. Or anybody that Harvey might have screwed over when he was trying to cut deals to get me out of prison. "

"That list could get long."

"I know. But Sean, please. I'm honestly just grasping at straws here."

"I'll see what I can find. I can't make any promises though, Mike."

"I know. I still appreciate it. Thank you."

Mike starts to leave the office.

"Hey, Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not sure what's going on, but for what it's worth, I don't think Harvey would ever stay away from you on purpose. I've seen him fight too hard for you. I know that doesn't mean much but, you should know that."

"Thanks, Sean. It actually means a lot."

-

Mike heads back to Harvey's and for the first time in a while, he doesn't turn straight to alcohol. He wants to be alert as possible in case Benjamin or Cahill can come up with any leads. It's not exactly hope that he has, but it's the closest thing to resemble it in a long time.

He waits and waits. He puts on a movie that he's watched with Harvey a dozen times, but has to quickly turn it off when he realizes it doesn't feel right watching without him, and the only reason he thinks he liked it so much, to begin with, is because he watched it with Harvey.

He checks his phone again, and again, but nothing. He thinks about calling or texting them to see what's happening but he doesn't want to seem like he's being pushy.

Finally, his phone rings. It's Benjamin. He scrambles to answer it. 

"Hello?"

As soon as he starts talking, Mike knows it isn't going to be the news he hoped it would be. Benjamin explains it all in complicated terminology that goes completely over his head. Mike asks him to slow down and explain in simple terms. So he does. 

And in simple terms, it's just another dead fucking end. He thanks Benjamin for trying, hangs up and texts Sean asking if he's found anything out. He doesn't care at the moment if he's being pushy. He just wants answers. 

_Mike: find anything out yet????  
Sean: No. You need to give me time.  
Mike: ok, sorry. please call or text if you find anything out!  
Sean: I will. Promise._

Maybe Mike will have a drink after all.

\-----

While he detests every moment of it, Harvey learns that playing along with Luke is not without its benefits. It gets him more food, longer showers, and the rope's don't feel quite as tight as they had prior. It's still freezing all the time and he's got a cough that's been lingering, but Luke's been giving him medicine for it. At least, that's what he tells him it is, Harvey has no way of actually knowing. But that's part of playing along.

Harvey decides to test his boundaries when Luke is tying him back up one afternoon. 

"Do you think I could talk to Mike again?"

"Talk to Mike?" Luke yanks the ropes tight enough that it forces a small moan out of Harvey's mouth.

"I would tell him everything's all right. He wouldn't know anything. I just want to hear his voice."

Luke laughs sardonically. "And here I was thinking that we were getting along good, but you've what? Been playing nice just so you can talk to your little boyfriend? Is that it?"

"No. It's not like that. I just...miss him."

"Well, he doesn't miss you, Harvey! You need to get that through your thick skull. He doesn't care about you. He's out there living his life like you never even existed."

"Fuck you. You're lying."

"You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart."

"Where the hell are you going?" Harvey questions as he sees Luke starting to walk towards the stairs.

The only answer Harvey gets is the sound of the door slamming shut. 

-

It's hours before it opens again. Luke comes down the stairs slowly, the twelve steps seeming to take ages to get down. 

"Harvey," he says when he finally appears.

He sounds...different.

He approaches Harvey and runs his hands through his hair. "My sweet boy. I've missed you."

Harvey can smell the liquor permeating off of him.

"Did you miss me, too?" he asks, a hand softly caressing his cheek. 

Harvey doesn't answer. 

"It's okay," Luke moves his hand down and places a finger on Harvey's lips. "You don't have to say anything. I know you did."

Harvey tries to maneuver his head away from him. Luke forces it back. Holding him in place with one hand, Luke reaches with his free hand to start unbuckling his belt. 

Harvey feels a rush of panic wash over him. "Luke, what are you doing?"

"Don't ask stupid questions," he replies while continuing to fumble with his belt. 

When he unzips his zipper it sounds like it echoes through the entire basement.

"Luke. Don't do this. Please."

Luke lazily pulls down his jeans, stopping mid-thigh to reach into his boxers and pull out his already hard dick. He steps forward and grabs Harvey by the hair, yanking his head high enough to align his dick with his mouth. 

Harvey struggles to move away, but Luke's always able to move him back into position with ease. "I swear to god if I feel teeth, I will pull them all out one by one tonight," he threatens.

"Please, stop," Harvey begs.

"Fuck. You and _that_ word. It just does something to me. Keep saying it and this will be over for you quickly. Now open your goddamn mouth!"

Harvey doesn't, and he won't. He refuses to let this happen. But Luke grips his hair and forces his head back hard into the cement behind him. Harvey's dazed and his mouth opens just enough for him to be able to quickly shove his dick into it.

Luke thrusts violently over and over, going deeper on every thrust until Harvey's eyes are watering and he's gagging and gasping for air. 

"It's okay, Harvey," Luke assures. "Just pretend I'm Mike and you'll be fine."

After what feels like forever, but in reality, it is only a few short minutes, he removes himself from Harvey's mouth. He gives himself a few strokes and is coming in spurts. He makes sure every last drop of it lands somewhere on Harvey. 

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" 

Luke tucks himself back into his boxers and pulls his pants back up. "Get some sleep" he adds before exiting the room.

For the first time since Harvey's been here, he breaks down and cries. He feels crushing defeat and until now he's done his best to not even allow himself to think about the possibility, but after this, he's positive he will die in this basement and any illusion that somebody is coming to rescue him is now gone.

\----  
By the time Sean gets back to Mike, he's already braced himself for the bad news. Instead, Sean provides him with a list of names and informs him that he's talked to local police and he expects that they'll be taking things a lot more seriously now. 

He wishes it felt more comforting, but everything is starting to feel too little, too late. It's been _weeks_.

And it only gets worse because the weeks turn into _months_. Mike checks out every one of the names Cahill gave him. He even hired a private investigator. He's talked to officers and detectives and it's all lead nowhere. It's almost like he vanished into thin air. 

When Mike isn't searching for Harvey, he's trying to make himself forget that he hasn't seen Harvey in months. He hasn't heard his voice, or felt his touch or laughed at one of his stupid jokes. It's not even just the good things he misses, he desperately misses it _all_ , he misses their arguments and the disappointing way Harvey would look at him when he fucked something up on a case and expected better from him. 

Now all Mike has are memories and an empty condo where every inch reminds him of what he doesn't have anymore. Emptiness has never felt so heavy. 

Sometimes he thinks he sees Harvey when he's walking down the street. Somebody will have a coat that's just like one Harvey owns and Mike will race down the street after them, shoving through crowds of people, just to grab their arm and turn them around and have a confused stranger staring back at him. 

Every time he falls asleep he has nightmares about him. They're all different, but they always end the same way; with Harvey dying because Mike couldn't save him. He wakes up drenched in sweat, shaking and crying. He has to rinse a bottle of pills down his throat in a futile attempt to escape them. 

-

It's been four months when Donna knocks at the door. It's not the first time she knocked, but it's the first time she's knocked and refused to leave.

"What do you want?" Mike asks, irritation dripping from his voice.

"For you to open the door, for starters," Donna answers, equally irritated. 

Mike nods her in, if only so they can get whatever the hell this is over with. 

Donna walks in and makes a point to be as loud as possible shoving all of Mike's empty bottles out of the way so she can set her purse down.

"I'm going to clean those up."

"When?"

"Does it matter?"

"Who did that to you?" Donna asks, gesturing to Mike's black eye. 

"Some guy."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted him to, okay? I just needed to, I don't know, feel _something_. Feel pain in a different way."

"Sean Cahill seems to think you need an intervention. He says you're spiraling."

"Well, I say Sean Cahill needs to mind his own goddamn business."

Sean is one of the few people Mike still regularly kept in touch with. Sean never made a big deal when Mike left him sad, drunk voicemails or called him after a, particularly bad nightmare. And he was willing to talk about things other than Harvey and it was helpful in a way Mike gravely needed. He would, however, have to re-evaluate the friendship if he was going to start involving Donna in things.

"He's just worried about you. We all are."

Mike laughs at the ridiculousness of the notion.

"I'm being serious, Mike. Look at you. Look at this place."

"I'm sure I can have it cleaned before Harvey gets home. _If_ he ever does."

"Don't talk like that."

"Don't tell me how to talk about him. Just. Don't," Mike warns. "And you know what? Just leave. I don't need you here because you feel guilty or because Sean sent you or whatever this is."

"Let's be clear, this has nothing to do with guilt. I had no way of knowing what really happened, and at the time, I was trying to keep the firm afloat. _For_ Harvey."

"And now what are you doing? Trying to pretend to care about me? Is that for Harvey too?"

"It's not pretending. I've called you and I've come by. Multiple times. I can't help that you don't want any help from anybody."

"I don't need help."

"Do you think Harvey would say the same if he could see you right now?" Donna pauses and waits for an answer. "Don't bother answering that. I'll leave so you can continue wrecking your life in peace."

Donna grabs her purse and beelines for the door. "And put some ice on your eye, you idiot," she says before slamming the door behind her. 

That went well. 

-

Three more months pass. Even with each day feeling longer than the last, the months have somehow managed to fly by. It's been seven months since Harvey's been gone and there's not been a single trace of him since. Every once in awhile Mike will find or be given new information that is just enough to ignite hope in him and make him believe Harvey's still out there, but when he follows it, it devolves into another false lead and the hope that was ignited is cruelly snuffed out by reality and he's left back at square one.

-

Mike wakes up, frantically breathing and grasping at the sheets. It takes him a moment to realize where he is and convince himself that it's just another nightmare. He reaches over to the nightstand and grabs a bottle of water and downs the rest of it. 

He's still trying to get his breathing under control when there's a knock at the door. He looks over at the clock on the nightstand. It reads 2 AM. Who the hell would be knocking on the door at this time. He ignores it. 

They knock again. Ugh. "I'm coming. Give me a second," he shouts as he quickly takes off his wet shirt and changes into a clean, dry one from Harvey's dresser. 

He pads across the floor but not before they're knocking again at the door. This time the knock sounds more frantic. Getting more annoyed with each knock, Mike swings the door open. 

"Hey. Didn't have my key with me," the man says.

"Harvey."


	9. Chapter 9

Mike doesn't have time for anything to register before Harvey is engulfing him in a hug. He buries his head in Mike's chest and Mike wraps his arms around him tight, hands entwining themselves in the fabric of his shirt. 

Mike doesn't want to let go of him, he's not entirely sure this is actually happening and feels like he's going to wake up any moment. But it feels so real, and he wants to hold on to it as long as he can.

Eventually, he can feel Harvey start to loosen his grip, just the tiniest bit, and he takes that as his cue to do the same. 

"H-how are you here?" Mike asks him through teary-eyes. 

Harvey reaches up and wipes away the tear before it has a chance to fully roll down Mike's cheek. "I told you I'd be home."

Mike pulls him back into the hug, needing to be as close to him as humanly possible for just a moment longer. 

"Hey, Mike. You think we could maybe go inside?"

"Oh. Sorry. Yeah, let's do that." 

Mike walks in first and Harvey follows behind him, quickly moving to lock the door as soon as he shuts it behind him. 

"Are you okay? Where have you been?" are the next questions out of Mike's mouth. 

Harvey sighs, not knowing where to start, and more importantly, not wanting to. "I'm okay. And I know you probably have a lot of questions, but...would it be too much to ask that we save them until tomorrow? I'm just...exhausted."

"Yeah, of course." Mike concedes. He doesn't think there's anything Harvey could ask of him right now that he wouldn't agree to. 

"Thank you."

"Can I...get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

"Food would be nice."

"Sure, but fair warning, I haven't exactly been to the grocery store in a while, but I have a frozen pizza, I think? Would that okay?"

"That'd be perfect."

Mike pre-heats the oven and digs the pizza out of the freezer, unwrapping it and tossing it on the pan and placing it in the oven before setting the timer. He grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it up with water before setting it in front of Harvey. 

Harvey picks it up and takes several big gulps before sitting it back down in front of him and thanking Mike. 

Silence fills the air, neither quite sure how to start a conversation that doesn't revolve around the elephant in the room.

Eventually, the oven beeps and Mike grabs the potholders to pull the pizza out. He cuts it and serves two slices onto two separate plates. He slides Harvey's in front of him on the counter and places his next to it before joining Harvey. 

Harvey doesn't wait for it to cool down and immediately picks it up to take a big bite.

"Be careful, it's really hot," Mike warns. 

"God. This is _incredible_." He wastes no time and goes in for a second bite. "Mmm..

"You want me to leave so you and the pizza can have some privacy?" As soon as the words leave Mike's mouth, he's not sure if he should have said it, or if it's even okay to joke with him right now. 

"That'd be nice. You mind?" Harveyplays along, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

Mike smiles back. 

The conversation manages to flow nicely after that. They stick to talking about surface-level things like food, sports, and movies and it feels nice to just be able to feel something other than the heaviness of the last 7 months. 

"All right. I'm giving up, you win this round, I can't eat another bite," Mike says as he tosses down a half-eaten slice onto his plate.

"Is feeling like I'm going to throw up my prize? Because that's what I'm feeling like currently," Harvey replies as he stretches back in his chair and gently pats his stomach.

"If that's the prize, I think I might have won too. Ugh. So full," Mike says before gathering up their plates and placing them in the sink. 

Harvey catches Mike trying to stifle a yawn. "Tired?" Harvey asks.

"A little. What about you?"

"A lot. I don't know if I want to sleep though."

"Why not?" 

"Because I feel like if I do, I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be gone."

"It won't. It'll be here. _I'll_ be here." Mike promises, despite being unsure of it himself.

"I know. But...would you stay up with me anyway and watch a movie? I'll even let you pick which one."

"Letting me pick? No way I can turn down an offer like that."

"I figured as much. Is it okay if I change into something different?"

"No, of course not. Go ahead. I'll get things ready while you do that."

Harvey walks down the hallway and into his bedroom. It feels so surreal just being back in this place after spending months thinking he was never coming back. 

He grabs some clothes out of his dresser and goes into the bathroom to get changed, making sure to lock the door behind him. He avoids the mirror while getting undressed, not wanting to see the reflection of any of the aftermath of what had been done to him. He doesn't want Mike to see either. Considering the number of empty bottles that are laying around, he knows Mike's been in a really bad place, and he doesn't need to be burdened with knowledge that will keep him there. 

He tosses his old clothes in the trash and takes a few deep breaths before exiting the room. 

Mike hears Harvey come back, but doesn't see him. He's busy cleaning up some of the bottles that were laying on the table so they wouldn't be in the way. "I'll be in in a second," he announces.

Harvey decides to use that time to quickly check the front door, just to make sure it's still locked. It is. 

"Where'd you go?"

"Uh, just checking something. What'd you pick?" he asks in an attempt to change the subject.

"I couldn't decide, but I narrowed it down to two. So, you pick." He holds up a DVD in each hand.

"Ooh, tough decision. I'm going to go with...Back To The Future."

"I knew you'd pick the right one."

"You're implying there's a _wrong_ choice between Star Wars and Back To The Future?"

"Touché."

Harvey settles down on the couch while Mike gets the DVD started and sits down next to him. "You cold?" he asks, noticing Harvey has a heavy sweatshirt on. "I could grab you a blanket if you are." 

"No, I'm okay for now. Thanks though."

"All right. Let me know if you change your mind."

Through the first half-hour or so of the movie, they talk a bit, and Harvey sprinkles commentary here and there, the way that he always does during movies. Then his yawning started to increase and Mike can see his eyes starting to flutter shut. 

Mike opts to watch Harvey sleep instead of the rest of the movie. It's the first time he can just stare at him without it being awkward. His skin is much paler, and he has dark circles under his eyes. He can see areas on Harvey's face where it looks like bruises have recently healed, and there's now scar above his eye that had never been there before. 

As much as he wants to know what happened to Harvey, the more he observes and sees the marks that were left on him, the more terrified he is of knowing. 

He tries to shake the thought and just focus on the fact that he's home now. And he's safe. Mike starts watching Harvey's chest slowly and almost rhythmically rise and fall, and the quiet sounds of breathing begin to lull him to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

"No...no...no, get off of me!"

Mike is jolted awake by Harvey's panicked screams and arms frantically pushing away from him. 

"Woah, Woah, Woah, what the fuck is going on?!"

"Please, please, please get away from me!"

Mike gets up and scrambles to turn on the closest light. Harvey is on the floor, back firmly pressed up against the chair behind him. 

"Harvey, you're okay. It's me."

Mike crouches down to get eye level to him and gently places a hand on his arm. "Don't touch me!" Harvey shouts.

"Sorry. I won't touch you." Mike immediately backs away to give him some space.

Harvey's breathing is frantic, and he's sweating profusely. Mike continues to tell him that he's okay and safe and his breathing slowly starts to even out as he takes in his surroundings and listens to Mike's words.

"I'm sorry," he finally whispers. 

"It's okay, it was just a nightmare."

Mike _thinks_ , anyway.

Harvey gets off the floor in a hurry. "I need to be in my room."

"Do you need me to--?"

"No. Just...stay away. Please."

It takes almost an hour for Mike's hands to stop shaking. The fear in Harvey's eyes and the way his voice had sounded had left him rattled. 

He paces outside of Harvey's bedroom door after that, trying his best to listen in on the off chance that Harvey needs him. It's silent and he hopes that means he's fallen asleep and stays asleep this time. 

-

Mike hears the shower go on, and decides to cook breakfast for Harvey. He uses up the last few eggs to make him some scrambled eggs and throws some toast in the toaster. He also puts on a pot of coffee. He'd be lying if he said that wasn't mostly for him.

"Good morning," Mike greets from behind the kitchen counter. 

Harvey approaches it and slides onto one of the barstools. "Morning." 

"I made you breakfast," Mike states as he slides the plate in front of him.

"Thanks," Harvey says, picking up the fork and poking around at the eggs.

Mike grabs the cup of coffee from behind him and sits it next to his place. "Also made coffee." 

He had hoped the prospect of coffee would have at least perked Harvey up a little, but it didn't. He continues moving the eggs around the plate, but never actually eating any.

"I'm going to have somebody come today to upgrade the security system," Harvey finally says. 

Mike's a bit caught off guard. "You don't think we're safe here?"

"I didn't say that. I just want to be cautious."

"Harvey, don't you think we should call the cops or something?"

"Why?" 

The nonchalant way Harvey asks that catches Mike off guard. "Because you were missing 7 months."

"Yeah, well, maybe if they had cared enough to look for me it would have been less."

The comment isn't aimed at Mike, but it still stings. Mike holds on to a lot of guilt from not being able to convince them straight from the start that he was missing. He doesn't know if it would have changed anything in the long run, probably not, but it eats at him all the same. "I'm sorry," he offers. 

"I'm, uh, gonna go make this call real quick. Thanks for breakfast," he says, picking up the coffee cup and half a piece of toast. 

-

Within an hour there's a knock at the door. Mike checks the peephole before opening it. 

"Hey, we're here to install the security system," the man announces.

Mike invites him inside.

They work relatively quickly installing it and proceed to explain all the features to both Harvey and Mike and give them the rundown on how to use everything before leaving and telling them to call if they have any trouble with it. 

"So, you feel better now, with all this?" Mike asks after they leave.

"Yeah. I guess."

"Harvey--do you think we can talk, you know, about what happened?"

"Do you mind if I go lay down for a bit first? I kind of have a headache."

"Of course. Do you want me to get you some Tylenol?"

"That'd be great. I'll be in the room."

Mike opens the medicine cabinet and grabs the bottle of Tylenol, opens it up and shakes two pills into his hand. He fills a glass of water and brings it to Harvey who is already tucked underneath the covers.  
"Here you go," Mike says, hand flat so Harvey can grab the pills. 

When Harvey reaches to take them, his sweatshirt slides up just enough that Mike can see the deep purple bruising covering his wrist. It's horrifying to him. 

"Mike?"

"What?"

"Can I have the water?"

"Oh. Right. Here," he says and hands it to him. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I actually might take a nap too. But I'll be right over in the other room though if you need me."

"I know."

Mike retreats to his room and dials Sean's number.

"Hey, Mike," Sean answers.

"Hey. I know you're probably busy but I just wanted to call to let you know that Harvey's home."

"Really? That's great to hear. Everything okay?"

"I think so. He won't tell me much of anything though."

"What do you mean? Where did the police find him?"

"They didn't. He just showed up at the door."

"Okay, I'm confused. He showed up at the door and he's fine. So he wasn't missing after all?"

"No. He was. He's got these...bruises on his wrists. Almost like he was tied up."

"Mike, you've got to get him to go to the police. And probably a hospital. I could even get somebody to come to talk to him if that makes it easier."

"No. Definitely not. Not yet, anyway. You know, I probably shouldn't even be telling you any of this. I just, I don't know. I'll let you go. Please don't tell anybody?"

"I won't. But I want to go on record saying that I don't think it's a good idea to start sweeping any aspect of this under the rug. It could be dangerous."

Mike sighs. "I know. I'll talk to you later, I've got to go."

"All right. Take care, Mike. Of yourself and Harvey."

Mike tosses the phone down on the bed next to him before throwing himself backward next to it. He lays there for a while, trying to will himself asleep, but his thoughts are racing and overwhelming and the longer he lies there the more on edge he feels.

He crawls out of bed, checks-in on Harvey, who, thankfully, is still asleep, and then proceeds to pour himself a glass of whiskey. It goes down smooth, so he has a second. 

He turns on the tv, mostly for the white noise and stretches his legs out on the couch. The whiskey definitely helped take the edge off a bit. Two hours pass and he figures Harvey has to be waking up soon, so he decides to place an order for delivery so he has something to eat when he does. 

He thinks a lot about what Sean said, about how it could be dangerous to start sweeping things under the rug. He can't help but wonder if it could be more dangerous to _not_ sweep things under the rug, especially if that's what Harvey needs.


	11. Chapter 11

"I think I'll have what you're having."

"Hey, I didn't even hear you get up. How'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess," he says. He looks like he wants to say something else, but changes his mind and pours himself a glass of whiskey instead before sitting down. He decides to sit in the chair adjacent to Mike instead of next to him.

"Do you want to talk about earlier?"

"It was... just a nightmare, what's there to talk about?"

"Well, for starters, you could tell me what it was about."

"Okay. If you must know, it was about Louis Litt moving into this building and becoming my neighbor. Horrifying, right?"

"Harvey, knock it off. I'm being serious."

"I know, but I don't know what you want me to say, it was just a regular old run of the mill nightmare. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember what it was about," Harvey lies.

Mike sighs inwardly. "Okay. Well if you remember and want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."

Harvey polishes off his drink, and Mike wishes his glass wasn't empty so he could do the same. There's a slight tension in the air that's broken up by the doorbell ringing. 

"That's our dinner," Mike announces before heading for the door. 

-

"Everything looks amazing," Harvey says as he watches Mike spread everything out in front of them. It looked like he'd practically ordered the entire menu by the time he finishes. 

As they eat and talk, Mike can't help but feel his eyes continuing to drift to the ends of Harvey's sleeves. Every time he picks his fork up, or puts his fork down, or lifts his glass to his mouth or pushes his hair back, all Mike can see are the bruises.

Harvey must feel Mike's eyes on him because he tugs at the bottom of his sleeves until everything is fully covered and he makes a conscious effort to make sure they stay in place when he makes any kind of movement from there out.

The conversation flows nicely, because it's all small talk, about shit that doesn't matter, but Harvey doesn't look sad when he's talking about things like that, so Mike indulges him by not daring to steer the conversation anywhere else. 

They decide on watching another movie, and Harvey volunteers to get everything set up while Mike cleans up from dinner and they both ultimately end up next to each other on the couch. 

Nobody falls asleep in the first half-hour this time, but at about an hour in Mike pauses it.

"Harvey, what happened to you?"

"What?"  
"Your arms. What happened?"

"It's just--some bruises. They'll heal. It's not a big deal."

"Then why are you trying to hide it from me?"

"Because I don't want you to overreact. You know, sort of like what you're doing right now."

"So, what, you were like...tied up somewhere?"

Harvey exhales. Mike's face looks so full of concern that it's hard to lie to him, but it's even harder to tell him the truth, but Harvey decides to anyway. Sort of. Maybe giving him a little bit will be enough to get him to back off.

"I was tied up. The ropes were tight so they dug in a lot. Hence, all of this," he explains, pulling up his sleeves so Mike could fully see. 

"Oh my god," Mike mouths. 

Harvey can see Mike's eyes starting to get watery, so he pushes the sleeves back down. "As I said, it's just bruising. It will go away." Harvey knows physically they'll go away, but he's yet to feel like those ropes aren't still around him and wonders when, if ever, that feeling will go away.

"Who did this to you, Harvey?"

"Can we please just finish the movie?" Harvey asks, completely ignoring Mike's question.

"Sure," Mike agrees, satisfied enough that he at least shared _something_ with him. 

They finish the movie in silence. Every once in awhile Harvey will catch Mike staring at him and it makes him wish he wouldn't have told him anything. He just looks so sad and there's so much pity in his eyes when he looks at him. He just wants Mike to look at him like he did before everything.

"I think I'm gonna call it a night if that's okay with you?"

"I'll probably do the same."

Harvey frees himself from the blanket covering him, stands up and stretches.

"You need anything?" Mike asks.

"No. I'm good, thanks. Goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight, Harvey."

-

The cold hard floor has been replaced with a mattress. His hands are still tied, just in a different way. They're still just as constricted. He tries to lift his head, but it's so heavy. His vision is blurred at the edges and he feels nauseous. 

"There you are," Luke says. "I gave you a little something to relax, hope you don't mind?" he asks as if Harvey ever had any say in the matter. 

Everything seems to happen so fast after that. Hands are grabbing the waistband of his pants, roughly stripping them from his body, and then there's the sound of Luke undoing the buckle to his pants and unzipping them before dropping them down to the floor. 

He climbs on the bed and straddles Harvey. His weight feels crushing. 

Harvey tries to tell him to stop, tries to yell for help even if he knows there isn't any, but a hand wraps tightly around his neck and squeezes his pleas until they become nothing but small whimpers escaping his lips.  
It's brutal from start to finish. Every single move, thrust or touch is malicious and made with the sole purpose being to hurt Harvey as much as possible.

Luke's hands lock onto his hips and he squeezes and pushes down harder and harder with every thrust until it feels like Harvey's hips are going to shatter and his body is on fire from the inside out.

After what feels like an eternity, Luke finishes and pulls out of him. He reaches his hand up and grabs Harvey's face, forcing him to make eye contact. 

"Aww, Harvey, I didn't quite peg you as the sentimental type. I mean, crying after sex? Really?" Luke mocks him as he moves his thumb up to wipe away the lone tear that Harvey, despite his best effort, hadn't been able to stop from falling from his eye. 

"You know, since you're so sentimental, I want you to do something for me. I want you to tell me that you love me."

Harvey doesn't respond, and the grip on his face tightens. "Tell me. Now," he demands.

"No!"

"Come on, Harv. You can even pretend that I'm Mike Ross and it's his wedding day if that helps you, but I promise you that you're going to say it or you're going to regret not saying it. Now, say it! Last chance." 

-

Harvey shoots straight up in bed. He's soaked in sweat and his heart is beating wildly out of his chest. His breath hitches as he struggles to suck in enough oxygen to not feel like he's being suffocated by his memories. 

He rushes out of his bedroom and into the living room, sliding the balcony door open. The air has a crisp chill to it that is much welcomed. The twinkling lights of the city below are beginning to be extinguished by daylight by the time he has managed to fully calm himself down.

-

"Jesus Christ, Harvey. You scared the shit out of me." Mike says as he slides the door shut behind him. "What are you doing out here?"

Harvey doesn't respond.

"Harvey?"

"What?" he replies, finally acknowledging Mike's presence.

"What are you doing out here? It's cold." Mike reaches over to touch Harvey's arm. He flinches and Mike apologizes. "You're freezing."

Mike slides the door back open and returns with a blanket. "Can I?" he asks this time, not wanting to make him flinch again. Harvey gives the okay and Mike drapes the blanket over his shoulders. "Come on, let's get you inside."

Havey follows Mike inside where Mike leads him to the couch and then walks into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Harvey needs something to warm him up.

When Mike returns from the kitchen, Harvey is bracing himself for Mike to ask what happened, what's wrong, or some variant of a question he doesn't want to answer, but instead, Mike just hands him the tea and sits down beside him and asks what he wants to watch on tv. For that, Harvey is grateful.


	12. Chapter 12

It's a little after ten when Mike gets out of bed the next morning. They had stayed up late watching movies, and Mike knows he's not going to be remotely functional until he has at least two cups of coffee in him, so he saunters into the kitchen and immediately throws on a pot.

Once it's made, he sits down at the kitchen table and pages through the newspaper. He starts to feel somewhat human by the time he's reached the bottom of his first cup. 

He decides he'll go peek in on Harvey, just to see if he's still sleeping or if he's awake and in dire need of coffee the same way he had been. He opens the door as quietly as possible and looks in. The bed is empty and made. He must be in the bathroom. 

"Hey, Harvey?" Mike calls into the room. He waits for an answer, and when there isn't one, he goes in to check for himself. 

He's not in there. Mike can feel his heart jump into his throat. He frantically checks the rest of the place, and when there's no sign of him, he pulls out his phone and calls his number.

He can hear the phone ringing from the bedroom. Mike goes in to check and sure enough, it's still laying on the nightstand. 

He's about to work himself up into a panic attack when he hears the front door opening. He rushes out to it. 

"Where the hell were you?" Mike asks while still trying to get his breathing back to normal.

"I just went to get some groceries," Harvey replies. "You mind giving me a hand?"

Mike grabs one of the bags and takes it and sets it down on the counter. "Harvey, you can't do shit like this."

"Like what? Get groceries?"

"No. You can't leave without letting me know where you're going."

Harvey zeros in on the phrase _you can't leave_ , and nothing after it and it makes him feel defensive. "If you don't want me to leave, maybe _you_ should get some rope and tie me up," he snaps.

"Don't say shit like that to me. You know that's not what I meant at all. It's just that, I woke up, you were gone, and you left your cellphone here so I couldn't even find out where you were. What the fuck am I supposed to think?"

Harvey reaches into his pocket and realizes that his cell phone is in fact, missing. "Fuck. I didn't realize I left it here. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're okay." It was an honest mistake, and even though it makes him extremely nervous, he's glad Harvey felt okay enough to go outside. He doesn't want him to dwell on a simple mistake (that nearly gave him a heart attack) so he attempts to change the subject. "Just please tell me that you at least picked me up some gummies."

"Gummies? What are you, five?"

"Is that a no?"

Harvey digs into the bottom of the grocery bag and tosses two bags onto the countertop. "Worms or bears?"

"You're the best."

Despite the rough start to the day, the rest of it goes pretty well. There are long talks about nothing particularly important, but they end in genuine laughter between them and that makes them seem more important than anything. 

Harvey kicks Mike out of the kitchen and cooks dinner for them. The whole reason he had decided to venture outside in the morning was that he wanted to get things to cook dinner for him. 

"Wow, this looks incredible," Mike says as Harvey places his plate down in front of him. 

"If it doesn't taste that way, I blame the fact that I haven't cooked in forever."

Mike waits for Harvey to sit down, before cutting a piece of his steak and taking a big bite. Harvey watches with bated breath for his reaction.

"Okay, this is amazing. You're officially on cooking duty forever."

Harvey smiles. 

-

Mike offers to do the dishes after dinner since Harvey cooked, and Harvey reluctantly gives in and lets him.

They end up on the couch, the same way they do every night, debating what movie they want to watch. Normally they take turns choosing, and tonight it's Mike's night to pick. He opts for a comedy since he doesn't want to chance to bring the mood down. It's been one of the better days that they've had since Harvey's been back and he wants to relish in it. 

They settle in underneath a blanket and about halfway through the movie, Harvey scoots closer and gently rests his head on Mike's shoulder as he starts to fall asleep. 

Mike doesn't move, doesn't want to, even when his arm falls asleep and starts to tingle throughout. Every once in awhile Harvey will shuffle around in his sleep and moan something that makes Mike brace himself in case Harvey ends up having another nightmare, but it never comes and he's able to relax and even close his own eyes for a little bit. 

-

"I got you a bagel."

Mike rubs the sleep from his eyes and slumps himself up against the kitchen counter. "Why'd you let me sleep so late?"

"Because you needed it."

Mike couldn't argue with that.

"What time did you get up?"

"Like sixish. I went for a run and then I met Donna for bagels and coffee."

"Oh. How has she been?"

"Good, but busy. I told her I'd probably be back in soon."

Mike doesn't want to tell Harvey he can't go back to work, but he doesn't think it's a good idea so he just keeps his mouth shut about it, it can be another discussion for another day.

"I also got some good news."

"And that is?"

"I'm officially no longer a missing person."

"What? You talked to the police?" he confusedly asks. "What did you tell them?"

"I just told them I'm not missing. That it was all a misunderstanding...," Harvey's voice trails off. 

"Harvey, why would you do that?"

"Because I'm _not_ missing."

"No shit. But you _were_. You were gone _seven fucking months_ , Harvey. You can't just pretend that it didn't happen. What if the same thing happens to somebody else?"

"It won't."

"How the hell can you be sure of that?"

"I just know, okay."

"What's his name?"

"What?"

"The person that did this to you. Tell me his name."

"Why?"

"Just fucking tell me!" Mike shouts.

"I don't know his name. He never told me it," Harvey lies.

"So let me guess this straight, you're certain about the things he will and won't do, but you don't even know his goddamn name? Jesus Christ, do you even hear yourself, Harvey?"

Harvey doesn't say anything.

Mike leaves and comes back fully dressed, with his coat in hand. 

"Where are you going?"

"I just need some air. I'll be back."

The door slamming shut makes Harvey jump.

\-----

Mike goes to Sean's office first. He's desperate for somebody to vent to that isn't Harvey, but Sean's not there and nobody seems to have a definitive answer as to when he will back so Mike leaves.  
He tries calling his phone but it goes to voicemail and he leaves a message.

Not sure where else to go, he goes to a bar. Maybe he'd dump all his problems on some poor bartender just trying to do their job. 

He ultimately decides to spare the bartender and just stick to drinking. After one too many people try to talk to him, he moves himself to a corner booth so he could be left alone.

He scrolls through his phone to see if Sean's gotten back to him. He hasn't, so he sends him a text. Or seven. 

He finishes his last drink and is digging out his wallet when another drink is sat down on the table in front of him. 

"Oh no, I didn't order this," he explains.

"That guy did," they say, pointing over to a man across the room from him.

When Mike makes eye contact, the man starts to approach him and then slides into the seat of the bench of the booth directly across from him.

"Thanks for the drink, but I'm heading out."

"Come on, one more drink isn't going to hurt."

Mike picks up the drink and polishes it off in one go. "There. I had your drink, now if you'll excuse me, I need to leave."

"Damn. Are you okay, kid? You need to talk?"

"To a stranger that stalks me in a bar? No, I'm good."

"Strangers can be the best listeners. You get to vent about anything you want and then you never have to see them again. One more drink?"

Mike has to admit, there is a certain appeal to that. "All right, one more drink."

The man gets up and orders another round of drinks for them. He comes back and slides Mike's in front of him. 

"So what are you drinking about tonight? Girlfriend troubles?"

"No."

"Boyfriend troubles, then?"

Mike takes a sip from his drink. "Just...troubles, in general."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to give me a little more than that if you want me to give you any sort of advice."

"I think you just summed up my problem. I want to fix things for somebody, but they just want to put tape over the check engine light. So to speak, of course."

"Ignore it and it'll go away?"

"Exactly. Except it never does. It only gets worse." Mike takes another sip from his drink. "This is really strong, by the way," he points out. 

"I figured if you were having one last drink, you might as well make it worth your while."

"Makes sense. So, random stranger in a bar, how do I get somebody to open up about something they're dead set against opening up about? Without traumatizing them more, I should add."

"Just give them time."

"No offense, but I could have gotten that same shitty advice off of a fortune cookie," Mike says. He picks up his drink and pours the rest into his mouth.

"Maybe your somebody doesn't open up to you because they think you can't handle knowing why the check engine light is on in the first place. So to speak."

"That's a little better. But I better go." Mike stands up and his legs feel wobbly, he has to grab onto the table to steady himself. 

"You need help?"

"I'm fine," Mike assures as the room around him begins to spin. 

"Let me help get you in a cab?"

Mike figures with help might be the only way he finds his way to a cab, so he uses the stranger's arm to help steady himself while they head outside. 

"How far do you live from here?"

"Not far."

"Let me just give you a ride then, my car is right around the block. Why don't you just sit down here and wait, okay?" The man guides Mike backward and helps him sit down on a slab of cement that made a decent enough substitute for a bench. 

He's gone about five minutes when Mike hears somebody calling his name.

"Mike?"

"Sean? What're you doing here?" Mike slurs.

"Well, let's see, you dropped by my office, you left me a voicemail and then you sent me multiple messages calling me a useless idiot and then apologizing and telling me to come to this location to have a drink with you. But from the looks of it, you have had enough to drink for both of us."

"I wanna go home."

"Here. Give me your hand," Sean says.

Before Mike can grab it a voice cuts in. 

"Hey, uh, I was actually going to take him home."

"And who are you exactly?" Sean questions.

"Just a friend trying to look out for him." 

"Looks to me like you're doing a pretty shit job at that, so I think I'll be taking it from here."

"It's really not a big deal, my car is right there."

"I don't give a shit where your car is, I said I'll be taking it from here, so fuck off."

Sean helps load Mike into a cab and they head to Harvey's. Sean doesn't bother asking Mike anything because he's not in any state to be able to answer anything. 

When they pull up outside, Sean offers to help Mike get inside, but Mike refuses and manages to slowly stumble his way to the front door. Harvey answers it relatively quickly and Mike figures he was probably up waiting for him. 

"Are you okay?" Harvey asks.

Mike mumbles something that is an answer enough to know that he isn't, so Harvey helps lead him to the bedroom. He helps take off his shoes and tucks him underneath the covers. He leaves and comes back with a glass of water and some Tylenol and sets them on the nightstand before exiting the room as quietly as possible.


	13. Chapter 13

"That fresh air you went to get yesterday really did a number on you, huh?" 

"Ugh," Mike groans, before dry heaving over the toilet.

"Here, drink this," Harvey says as he holds out a cup in front of him.

"What is that? It looks like sewage."

"It probably tastes like it too, but it'll help. Trust me."

What's the worse that can happen? Mike drinks it, gagging several times before being able to get it all down. "Delicious," he says sarcastically. 

By the time Mike can drag himself into the shower and change into fresh clothes, he's feeling a lot better. He still has a lingering headache, but he didn't expect not to after last night.

"Feel better?" Harvey asks when Mike joins him in the kitchen. 

"It doesn't feel like my insides want to be on the outside anymore, so that's a start, I guess. What happened last night?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

"I don't remember."

"Any of it?"

"Not really. Bits and pieces, sort of."

"Probably not worth remembering."

"You're probably right."

"Not to change the subject or anything, but I got something for you. It will hopefully help you feel better."

"You got me a present? Please don't tell me it's more of that sludge you gave me."

"No. It's better. Give me a second, I have to go get it," he says before making his way out of the kitchen.

"It would be hard to be much worse than that," Mike says to himself. 

"I heard that," Harvey voice echoes from the hallway. 

When he returns he has a folder in his hand that he tosses into Mike's lap. "What is this? You're giving me work to do?"

"I brought _us_ work. I was thinking we could do a case together. Just something small to start with. We could both use the distraction and I don't know I thought it might be fun."

Mike sifts through the papers in hand, scanning over each one carefully. "Pro bono?"

"Of course, how else would I be able to talk you into the three other _non_ pro bonos I have with me if I didn't soften you up with this one?"

"You have _three_ more cases with you?"

"No. I'm kidding. Let's just start with this and see how it goes."

"All right. But sucks for you because you're right, I totally would have done the three others."

"Guess you'll just owe me three then."

"It doesn't work like that."

They wait until Mike sobers up just a little more, and then they dive headfirst into the case. They haven't worked together in what seems like ages, but you'd never be able to tell. They are a well-oiled machine. Mike combs through every detail, and Harvey helps him digest the information and together they devise a plan that should for all intents and purposes, make winning this case a walk in the park. 

\-----

Harvey's only back in the office for less than a half-hour and he thinks maybe it's a mistake coming back and he's not ready to do this. He feels like everybody looks at him differently, talks to him differently, or just all together tries to avoid him. It makes him want to let Mike handle things and go back home. It's not like he's not capable of it.

Despite that feeling, he stays, and Mike being by his side every step of the way makes it easier. It also makes it easier when the deposition goes so well that they'll be able to reach a settlement agreement for their client and they won't even need to let the case go to the court. 

"Feels good to get a win," Mike says when they're alone again.

"It does. You want to go out to someplace to celebrate?"

"Are you buying?"

"Then I'm in."

"All right. Grab your jacket."

Harvey has a driver waiting for them by the time they get out of the building and they end up at the kind of place that Mike's sure you need a reservation at months in advance, but Harvey gets them seated within minutes without one. Mike's always been impressed by Harvey's ability to do that.

They order food and Harvey gets them a bottle of wine. It's something really expensive that Mike can't even pronounce. They discuss work and how big their small win had felt, and that leads to reminiscing about past cases they had also won, and the lessons they learned from the rare ones they hadn't. 

Even after they had long since finished their food, and the bottle of wine had begun to deplete, Harvey, put off calling for the check. They eventually brought it to him without him asking, so he figured that was their cue to leave. 

The air was chilly enough that they both almost simultaneously pulled their coats tighter when they stepped outside to get in the car. 

The ride back was mostly silent, both of them content to just enjoy each other's company and the buzz the wine had given them.

-

They settle down on the couch next to each other. Harvey watches as Mike loosens his tie and breathes a sigh of relief, he can tell he's been waiting to do that all day long. His cheeks are flushed from the alcohol and his eyes are hazy, but still a brilliant blue even in the soft muted lighting. 

"What?" Mike asks with a confused smile as he catches Harvey staring at him.

Harvey leans in and softly presses his lips to Mike's, catching him completely off guard. When Mike finally recovers from the unexpectedness of it, he kisses back. Instinctively his hand moves up and rests on the side of Harvey's jaw as if to steady him. 

Harvey reaches up and slides Mike's hand off of his face and he grips the fabric of Harvey's shirt collar instead, using it as leverage to deepen the kiss. 

Harvey can feel himself quickly being pulled out of the moment by his thoughts. The room is rapidly closing in on him and it feels so cold, despite the heat of Mike's mouth against his own. 

Harvey squeezes his eyes shut and tries to ignore it, but when hands reach up and start undoing the buttons of his shirt he can only picture Luke and it sets his body ablaze with panic.

"No, no, stop. Just stop," Harvey yells, pushing Mike away from him and scrambling to get off the couch. 

"Oh god, I'm sorry, what did I do wrong?" Mike asks, his voice laden with concern. 

"No, you didn't do anything, it's just I--can't," Harvey replies between hitched breaths.

"Harvey, wait," Mike calls to him as he's already halfway out of the room.

-

It's nearly an hour before Harvey reemerges from his room. 

"I'm going to get some air, you coming?" he asks. Mike wastes no time in following.

Harvey is already leaning against the railing, elbows resting on it, looking at everything, or nothing at all, Mike's not sure.

He slides the door shut and positions himself next to Harvey.

"I take it you don't want to talk about what happened?"

"You mean about how I ruined the night we were having because I can't get my shit together? No, not really."

"You didn't ruin anything," Mike assures.

Harvey laughs a humorless laugh. "Sure doesn't feel that way."

"Believe me, it's not a big deal. You're not the first person to want to run after kissing me," Mike jokes.

Harvey rolls his eyes, and a slight smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "You're an idiot."

Mike smiles. "Yeah, probably."

A comfortable silence falls between them, both content with just listening to the sounds of the city fading off into the darkness below. 

"His name is Luke."

"What?" 

"You asked me his name before and I told you I didn't know. But I do. His name is Luke." Harvey turns away from the railing and slides open the balcony door. "I think I'm going to call it a night. Goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight, Harvey."

There's not much that can be done with just a first name, especially such a common one, but the fact that Harvey willingly volunteered the information is the speck of light in the dark that Mike has been needing.


	14. Chapter 14

"Sit," he orders, shoving Harvey down to the ground. 

Harvey automatically reaches his arms behind him and waits to be tied back up. He knows the routine by now. 

"I think I want to try something different with you."

Harvey already doesn't like the sound of that. 

"I want to see if I can trust you, Harvey. I mean, I certainly would hope I would be able to trust you, considering how _intimate_ we've gotten lately. But, well, you never know."

Luke seems to be mulling over his idea. "I'm not going to tie you back up, and I'm going to leave that door right up there unlocked. You can walk out and be free."

"What's the catch?" Harvey asks.

"The catch is that I don't want you to do that. I want you to stay here with me."

"You'll just let me leave?"

"I wouldn't be letting you do anything, you'd be choosing to do it."

"That doesn't answer my question!"

"Oh, but it does. I'm simply trusting you not to disappoint me. I'll be gone for the next hour, so that's your time limit, don't wait too long to decide."

Luke doesn't tie him up, and he walks up those twelve steps, but this time the light doesn't vanish the way it has every time for before this, and there's no sound of the door going shut. 

Harvey waits, and waits, expecting him to come back down. There's no way this isn't a trick. He's not sure how much time has passed, but he hasn't come back and the door is looking more and more tempting, even if it is a trick, what more could he do to him that he hasn't already done?

Harvey slowly gets up to his feet and starts walking towards the steps. He goes up to them, stepping up one by one until he reaches the top. He listens intently to see if he can hear Luke, but all he's met with is silence. He should run. Use every ounce of his energy and just fucking run until he's far away from this place.

He doesn't though. Instead, he turns back around and slowly descends the stairs. He positions him back in his spot and waits for Luke to return.

-

"I knew you'd make the right choice," Luke says when he sees Harvey is still there. "How far did you get?" 

"To the top of the steps," Harvey admits, his voice faltering despite himself.

Luke grabs the rope and works on getting him tied back up. He gives it a hard tug to tighten it and Harvey lets out a small groan. "Too tight?"

Harvey shakes his head.

"Didn't think so."

"Would you have really let me leave?"

"Of course. You barely made an effort to leave though. I think most normal people would have taken the shot and ran, but you didn't even bother. Why is that? Do you _like_ the things I do to you? Or is it that you're finally realizing that this is what you _deserve_."

Luke notices Harvey starting to get teary-eyed. "There's no need for that, Harvey. You made a good choice today, and good choices deserve to be rewarded." Luke unbuttons his pants and pulls the zipper down.

"Luke, stop it. Please. I did what you wanted me to," Harvey says.

"Calm down. I'm just messing with you," he says as he zips back up and re-buttons his pants. "Plus I don't have time for that right now, but you should probably get some rest though, I have some fun plans for us for later tonight."

Harvey can't stop thinking about why he didn't just fucking run when he had the chance. Maybe in some way, Luke was right, and he stayed because he deserves it.

-

Two more months pass before Luke offers Harvey a second deal. 

"You ready to get out of here?"

"To the...other room?" Harvey asks nervously. Usually, that's what 'getting out of here' meant.

Luke laughs. "No. Not that. Unless you want to."

Harvey has never, ever wanted to.

"Do you want to go home?" he clarifies.

"Why?"

"Christ, Harvey, I think I might have broken you. _'Why?'_ I don't know, to not be tied up in a basement, for starters."

"I meant why are you asking me that?"

"While I've enjoyed what we've shared, I'm getting a little bored of this. I think we need to mix it up."

"I don't understand."

"You don't need to understand it. You just need to go home. And I'm sure your next question is what's the catch? Well, there's a couple. But I feel they are fair. The first catch is that you can't go to the police. Not ever. Not that I'm sure they'd care or even believe you if you did, but that's beside the point. You also can't tell anybody my name or any identifying traits. I feel like this is a given, so just don't fucking do it. Use a fake name if you have to. The last thing is, and I'm sure this is the one you'll fight me on, but I want to be able to watch you."

"Watch me?"

"Yes, watch you," he repeats. "I've had cameras hidden in your place for quite some time, I would like them to remain there and on."

Harvey could never figure out how Luke had known certain information, or how he knew things said during private conversations, but now it all made sense. The information makes him sick to his stomach. 

"What if I don't feel comfortable with that?"

"Then stay right here if that's what you're more comfortable with."

"I'm not...it's just--"

"I watched you for months before bringing you here, you never _once_ knew I was doing it. I could have never told you this and you would be none the wiser, but I am trusting you with the truth. Are you okay with that?"

"Yes." He's not okay with it at all, but there's not exactly a better alternative.

"Now before I get you out of here, I want you to know that if you break _any_ of these rules, there will be consequences. You've been pretty...obedient here, but I know dogs can quickly regress without constant training. If you don't follow any of my rules, Mike Ross will be the next one in my basement, and he won't _ever_ have the opportunity to leave, at least, not while he's still breathing, and that will be all on _you_."

"Please leave him alone," Harvey pleads. "I won't break the rules. I promise."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. One more thing, I'm going to give you back your phone. I've taken the liberty of adding my number to it. Don't be afraid to call or text it."

"Okay," Harvey says despite not having any intention to ever contact him.

There's a part of him that still feels like this isn't real. When Luke binds his hands with zip ties puts a blindfold on him, and leads him out of the house and into a vehicle, he's positive that he's just being taken someplace else to be murdered. 

By the time the car slows to a complete stop, he's sure that Luke can hear his heart beating out of his chest. Luke reaches over and clips the zip ties that were binding Harvey's hands together in front of him.

"Go ahead, take the blindfold off," Luke orders.

Harvey does. The windows of the vehicle are heavily tinted. Luke presses a button and Harvey's window goes down halfway. It's dark out. "Do you know where you are right now?"

Harvey takes a moment to survey his surroundings. "I do," he replies.

"This is as far as I'm taking you. Go ahead and get out."

Harvey doesn't hesitate to do just that, he reaches for the handle, but Luke yanks him back. Hand gripping his arm with force. "Just remember the rules, Harvey."

"I will. Thank you." He didn't mean to issue a thank you to the man who just tortured him for months but he's a few blocks from home and it just kind of slips out of his mouth.

"You're quite welcome."

Harvey gets out, the car immediately speeds away, and he runs home as fast as his legs can carry him.


	15. Chapter 15

Harvey's not sure why he told Mike Luke's name. Some desperate attempt at feeling like he has any semblance of control over his own life, perhaps. Or maybe it's just his way of sharing something with Mike without actually sharing much of anything. Not that it had felt that way when he said it, telling Mike his name had felt deeply personal. 

But the longer he lays in bed, the more he starts to regret it. He should have kept his mouth shut. About not only this but about everything. He needs a way to undo this entire night. He thinks the only way to do that is to contact Luke. 

His hands start to feel clammy and he can feel the bile rising in his throat just thinking about it. 

He debates it over and over and when he hears the sound of the guest bedroom door shutting, he decides to just do it. After a little liquid courage. 

He takes a few shots of whiskey, but courage isn't at the bottom of any of them. He goes back into his room and locks the door behind him. Even though he's pretty sure Mike is asleep he doesn't want to chance him walking in on this. 

He opens up his phone and scrolls until he finds the number Luke had entered. His finger lingers over the number for a long time before he pushes it. 

As soon as it starts ringing, he hangs up. He can't do this. He tosses the phone beside him on the bed and lays back next to it. He watches the red numbers of the clock change, minute by minute for an entire hour.

He picks the phone back up and dials it again, fast enough that he doesn't have time to think about it. 

It rings once. Twice. 

"Hello?" Luke answers.

Harvey hangs up. His breathing is quickening, and his heart feels like it's thumping against his chest hard enough to leave bruises. 

He nearly jumps out of his skin when his phone rings. He answers.

"Hello?" Harvey says.

"Harvey. You miss me already?"

"No. I just-I needed to talk to you."

"You can always talk to me, Harvey. What's going on?"

"I told him your name."

"I see. Why did you do that?"

"I don't know. It just came out."

"Interesting. What will come out next? My description to the police?"

"No. I'm not going to do that. This was a mistake."

"I'm afraid this means we'll have to renegotiate some terms."

"Okay. Like what?" Harvey asks, despite not wanting to know the answer.

"Not over the phone, it's too... _impersonal_ like this. We can do it in person. I want to see you."

Harvey debates between hanging up or throwing the phone against the wall. Maybe both. Ultimately, he does neither.

"Harvey, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Well, what do you say?"

"I'll meet you. But only in a public place. During daytime."

"That's smart of you. I get to pick the place though."

"Okay," Harvey reluctantly agrees.

"I'll text you an address and you better not be late," he warns.

"I won't."

"All right, great. I look forward to seeing you."

Harvey hangs up and wonders what the fuck he just agreed to.

\-----

He doesn't sleep at all. He clings to his phone nervously waiting for the text with the location to come in. 

Mike wakes up and makes them both breakfast, Harvey only eats enough to attempt to give the illusion that he's eating, which doesn't work because Mike notices.

"You feel okay?" he asks.

"I feel fine."

"You're not eating much."

"I'm not hungry."

"Is this about last night?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

Harvey checks his phone again.

"Are you expecting a phone call?"

"I, uh, no. Well, yes. I have a client that's supposed to call."

"A client? For what?"

"Just for this case, I'm doing."

"You're doing a case? Since when?"

"Okay, stop with the fucking questions already!" Harvey shouts.

Mike frowns. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't sleep last night and am just feeling a little on edge," Harvey explains.

"I understand. If you need help with the case you're doing, don't hesitate to ask, okay?"

A text comes through on Harvey's phone. He pulls it out and looks at the address and time when he's supposed to meet him. 

"Harvey?"

"What?" Harvey asks, totally oblivious to the fact that Mike was talking to him.

"Nevermind. I'm gonna go get a shower. Just leave your dish there, I'll clean everything up when I'm done."

Once Mike is gone and he can hear the shower water running, Harvey googles the address to make sure it's a legitimate place. It is. He wishes that was enough to ease his mind.

He scribbles down a note for Mike telling him that he'll be back soon and triple checks that he has his phone on him this time and that it's fully charged before heading out the door.

-

The closer Harvey gets to the address, the further away he wants to be. He wouldn't be doing this if he didn't feel like there would be consequences if he didn't, but this in itself feels like a consequence. He takes several deep breaths and shakes two pills from the orange bottle that he'd stuffed inside the jacket of his coat. He hopes they'll take the edge off, but hope hasn't been on his side in quite some time. 

Once he works up the nerve to enter the establishment, he quickly surveys his surroundings to see if he sees him. Thankfully, there's no sign of him yet. 

Harvey slides into the booth closest to the exit. He wants to be able to get away as fast as possible, should it come to that. 

As tempting as it is to order something strong, he just gets a club soda. 

And he waits, nervously watching the door every time somebody enters. 

He checks his watch, it's now thirty minutes past when he was supposed to be there.

He finishes another soda and checks his watch again, this time when he looks up from it, and towards the door, he sees him enter. 

"Harvey!," he calls. "Sorry I'm late," he greets Harvey as if they're old friends before proceeding to sit down on the bench directly across from him. "How have you been?"

"I don't want to small talk with you, just tell me what the hell you want from me so I can leave."

Luke ignores him. "Did you decide to get a head start on me?" he asks instead, gesturing to the empty glasses sitting on the table.

"It's soda."

"Let me buy you a drink. You look like you need one."

Harvey doesn't protest, not because he doesn't want to, but because it seems pointless.

Luke gets up and comes back shortly with two glasses full of what Harvey thinks is Scotch. Once he sits it down in front of him, he can confirm that it is indeed Scotch.

"Cheers?" Luke says, picking up his glass and tilting it in the air, waiting for Harvey's glass to meet his. 

"I don't want it."

" _Harvey. Drink it_." The tone of Luke's voice makes Harvey feel like he's instantly transported back into that basement. 

With his hand slightly shaking he picks up the glass and clinks it against Luke's before they both down the drinks.

"Since you don't seem to be very talkative, I guess I'll start by saying that while I don't appreciate you breaking one of the very few rules I had for you, and so soon, too, I do appreciate that you were honest enough to tell me about it."

"I swear I won't tell him or anybody anything else," Harvey assures. 

"I believe you. And I'm willing to forgive and forget completely under one condition."

Harvey physically braces himself to hear the condition. "What's that?"

"I want to see you, in person, once a week. It can be in public, during the daytime, if that makes you feel better, but this is my only offer."

"Don't you get to see enough of me on your fucking cameras?"

"Yeah, but, it's not the same. Watching you have a panic attack on a tv screen isn't quite the same as watching the way your hand is shaking or the way you're desperate to avoid eye contact with me or even the way your leg hasn't stopped bouncing under the table since I sat down. Though, I will say, the cameras are good for something. You kissing Mike yesterday was a very unexpected twist."

"Shut-up."

"It ended rather abruptly though. Why is that? Is it because he's too gentle with you? Tell him to be rougher, you always liked that with me."

"I said shut the hell up!" Harvey shouts loud enough that the few patrons scattered throughout the bar turn their heads towards them to see what the commotion is about. 

"I'm going to need you to calm down," Luke says softly. 

Harvey takes a deep breath and tries to collect himself. 

"What if--what if Mike suspects something?" he asks.

Luke laughs. "The kid is oblivious to the fact that his every move can be watched, and you think he's going to notice you leaving once a week? The only way he knows is if you _let_ him. And I know you know better than to do that. Right?"

"Right," Harvey repeats.

"That doesn't sound too convincing, so let me share something with you about why I picked this as our meeting location. I very recently met the great Mike Ross here."

"What?"

"I followed him here, which by the way, following him here was far too easy. I guess he was coming to drink his troubles away, his troubles being you, of course. You know you have _really_ got that kid messed up in the head."

"You're lying."

"I'm not. I have no reason to. I bought him a drink, and I may have put a little something in it, just to test the waters, and next thing you know he was willingly going to climb into my car and let me take him home."

"You drugged him?" Harvey asks, his voice laden with horror.

"Stop. Don't make it sound so bad. It was just a little bit, not even close to what I've given you before. He's just a bit of a lightweight."

"Luke, you promised me that you would _never_ touch him. I did... _things_ for you because you fucking swore to me that he would always be off-limits."

"If it's any consolation, I was never going to actually hurt him."

"You think _drugging_ him isn't hurting him?" Harvey wants to scream, but he's trying his best to keep his voice down.

"I told you, it was just a little. It didn't make him any tipsier than the alcohol he was drinking. But you're right, I did promise that and I apologize for it. Do you forgive me?"

"No, I don't fucking forgive you. Leave Mike alone."

"Wow. I haven't seen that kind of fire in you since your first few weeks with me. You know, before I beat it out of you. Good to see it's still there. Message received though, I'll leave Mike alone. You have my word."

"I need to get out of here."

"Of course. Wouldn't want Mike to worry about you, would we?"

Harvey grabs his jacket from behind him and stands up to put it on. 

"It's been good catching up with you," Luke says. "Oh, and Harvey. One more thing. Does the name Sean Cahill mean anything to you?"

"Why?"

"That night with Mike, that's who came to the bar to pick him up. I looked him up, he seems like Mike's type. He was very...authoritative, in a way that I know you can't be anymore. Maybe Mike had a replacement on deck in case you never came back. Anyway, just thought you should know," he says with a shrug.

Harvey walks away and heads for the closest exit.

"Good catching up with you, Harvey. See you next week," Luke shouts across the room at him. 

\-----

Harvey has a panic attack in a random alley only a few blocks from where he had been. Luckily, there's nobody there to witness it, and even if there had been, he probably wouldn't have noticed or cared.  
The idea of Luke doing anything that had been done to him to Mike sends a jolt of fear through his body. He slides down against the wall, and pulls his knees to his chest and tries to breathe his way through the feeling of his heart pounding against his ribcage so violently that it feels like it might give out.

He's not sure how long it lasts, but he feels exhausted when it's over. He walks most of the way home, needing time to calm himself down. 

When he starts feeling like he can function, or at the very least _pretend_ to function as a semi-normal human being, he calls a cab to take him the rest of the way. 

He closes his eyes and takes one more deep breath before entering his place.


	16. Chapter 16

"Hey, there you are," Mike greets him, a big smile plastered on his face.

"Hey," Harvey replies, smiling back at him. 

"How'd the meeting with the client go?"

"Client was a real asshole. But let's not talk about work right now, okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Are you hungry? I was going to order pizza for us. Figured we should repent for our sins of eating that frozen pizza by getting a real one this time. We owe it to New York."

"That sounds great, but you know what, before you do that, I have an idea. Go get your jacket and come with me."

"Where are we going?"

"Just hurry up."

"Okay. Give me a second."

Mike comes out a few short seconds later with his jacket in hand. 

-

"I don't get it. What are we doing here?" Mike questions when they pull up to the outside of his apartment.

"I just need a breather from my place. I think a slight change of scenery might help." 

Mike makes a face and Harvey's not quite sure how to read it. "You don't like the idea," he concludes.

"No, it's not that. I like it. I just don't want to hear you complaining about the shitty water pressure my place has."

"I promise I'll still give you a good review on Airbnb."

They get out of the car and walk inside. The place looks a lot different since Harvey was here last now that all of Rachel's things are gone. 

"So...do you like what I've done with the place?" Mike asks to break the silence. 

"I'm just glad you decided to become a fake lawyer and not a fake interior designer."

"Ha ha. Do you want something to drink? I've got beer, and also more beer."

"You know what, I think I'll go with the beer. And I'll call and get that pizza ordered for us."

"Can you--?"

"Pepperoni. Cheese in the crust. Yeah, I know."

Harvey calls and orders and they both plop down on the couch. Mike reaches and takes a swig of his beer before setting it down on the coffee table in front of him.

"While you were out, I went by the office today. Helped Donna out with a couple of things. She asked how you were," Mike informs.

Harvey takes a sip of his beer. "And what did you tell her?"

"I said you're good. That you're adjusting. Louis also asked about you. Said he wants to catch up with you soon."

"Louis? Is it too late to go missing again?"

"Jesus, Harvey."

"What? Too soon?"

"I don't think it will ever not be 'too soon' to say that."

Mike's voice is lighthearted when he says it but the honesty in it sends a pang of sadness through both of them.

"I'm gonna go grab another beer, you want one?"

"I've barely started on this one."

"Then I guess you have some catching up to do," Harvey says as he goes to the kitchen and grabs two more.

Their pizza arrives not long after that, and they both dig in. As good as the frozen pizza had tasted, mostly given the circumstances, this was much, much better.

"Harvey, can I ask you something?" Mike asks in the middle of their conversation.

Typically if Mike asks if he can ask something, it's because he knows Harvey is going to be hesitant to answer it. Otherwise, the questions just flow unfiltered from his mouth.

"Yeah?"

"That night, why did you tell me that saying you're in love with me was a mistake?"

Harvey sighs. He hasn't given Mike many honest answers, and of all the questions he asked, this is one he feels safe enough to attempt to give him an answer to.

"I guess I just felt like I was wrecking your life for my own selfish reasons. You canceling the wedding only intensified that feeling. It was never my intention to make you choose between me or Rachel, but that's exactly what I did, and I did it at the worst possible time. Everything felt too much, and too fast after that and I just wanted to undo it all. So I picked a fight with you because you hating me seemed more like what I deserved than anything else."

"I could never hate you. I just wish we could re-do that night."

"I know. Me too." Harvey picks up empties the beer in front of him. "I fucked up. And the way I handled things and the things I said to you, it haunted me. In a way, I guess it still does. But especially while I was there, I kept thinking about how that conversation was going to be the last I ever had with you. It felt so goddamn devastating."

"God..." Mike says, his voice barely above a whisper. "You called me from there. How did you manage to do that?"

Harvey hesitates to answer, not sure he's willing to get too far into this. 

Mike senses hesitation. "You know what, you don't have to answer that."

"No, it's okay. The phone call was his idea. It was supposed to be a call to throw off any suspicion there might have been. He told me to stick to a script and well, obviously I'm not the best at doing what I'm told. That's what this is from," Harvey explains as he points to the scar above his eyebrow where Luke had hit him with the butt of the gun.

"I am so sorry, Harvey."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for. Besides, I barely even felt it, and it was worth it to be able to give you those three words back. I know it didn't fix anything or erase the memory of the things I did and said, but it had been like putting a band-aid on it. Things didn't feel quite as bleak." 

"Can I give you a hug?"

Harvey holds out his arms and motions Mike to him. Mike gets up and wraps his arms around Harvey's body, fully embracing him. It feels good and momentarily Harvey can forget about how awful the rest of his day was before being here with Mike.

When Mike pulls away from the hug the emptiness in Harvey's arms is jarring.

"Thank you for answering my question. I know its hard for you to share things, but I want you to know that I am always here to listen. You know that, right?"

"I do."

"Okay. So enough of this caring and sharing stuff. I'm sure you're getting sick of it. It's movie time. What are we watching tonight?"

"Well since this is your apartment and your collection and not mine, I assume our only choices are Sleepless in Seattle or The Notebook?"

"That's not true at all. I also have Titanic and Dirty Dancing."

"Sounds like we can't go wrong."

Mike is tempted to pick one of those movies, just because Harvey was the one to bring it up, but he decides to go with Rocky instead. 

-

They both manage to stay awake for the entire movie, which has been a rarity lately, but the yawns they've been stifling for the last half hour indicate that they didn't make it by much.

"You need me to get you some clothes to sleep in?" Mike asks.

"I doubt you have anything that will fit."

"Actually, I borrowed a few things from you, so I'll have something that fits."

"Well, in that case."

"Give me a minute."

Mike disappears into the bedroom and returns with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for Harvey. He tosses them down next to him. 

"Thanks."

"I put new sheets on the bed for you. I'll take the couch."

"No, you sleep in your bed. I'll be fine right here."

"This isn't up for debate. You get my bed. Case closed."

There's a moment where Harvey wants to suggest that they just share the bed. It's big enough, but his nightmares have still been pretty bad, and the last thing he wants to do is traumatize Mike with them. 

"Fine, I will concede and take the bed, but only because you 'case closed' me and didn't allow for a counter-argument."

"All my years of not attending Harvard are finally paying off."

Harvey grabs the clothes next to him and gets up, he walks to the front door first and double-checks the lock. That's just something Harvey does now, and Mike tries not to read into it too much, but it's worrisome to him that it seems like he never can quite feel safe enough.

He goes to the bedroom after that and changes in the bathroom. After that, he climbs into bed and under the covers.

"I put an extra blanket there at the foot of the bed, in case you get cold. And I know you know by now, but if you need anything, don't hesitate to come to get me, okay?"

"Okay. Goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight, Harvey."

-

Harvey is startled awake by the sound of a loud thump. He shoots up in bed, and his heart is already lodged in his throat. 

"Harvey!" he hears Mike yell in the distance.

He throws the covers off and darts out of his room to locate the sound. 

"Mike?" he asks frantically.

"Harvey!" The yelling is much louder this time. 

He races to the living room and freezes dead in his tracks.

"Good to see you, Harvey," Luke says.

Luke has Mike pulled tight against his own body, his arms bound behind him, and a knife pressed hard enough to his throat that he can see the faintest drops of blood starting to stream down Mike's neck.

"Let him go, Luke," Harvey demands.

"Harvey, help me, please," Mike breathes shakily. 

"I think he might beg just as well as you do, Harvey. Let me hear yours again to compare."

"Please let him go. You promised you wouldn't hurt him."

"That was before you pulled this little stunt of coming to play house at Mike's apartment. I mean, it's smart, I'll give you that, but it's not what we agreed to."

"I'm sorry, I messed up. I'll go back to my place. Just let him go."

Luke seems to ponder something momentarily. "I don't know. I think I want to keep him. It's been kind of lonely not having you around."

"So take me back then," Harvey suggests.

"That offer rolled off your tongue pretty quickly. Perhaps you've been a little lonely yourself?"

Luke moves his free hand to reach up and grip Mike by the hair, yanking his head back to give Harvey a better view of the knife pressing against it. "Maybe we should let the kid decide? What do you say, Mike? You want to come back with me, or should I take Harvey again?"

The knife presses even harder, and Mike lets out a cry of pain, as tears stream down his cheeks and blend with the blood that's absorbed into the collar of his shirt.

"Breathe, kid. You're starting to hyperventilate and you can't answer my question if you're hyperventilating," Luke states as he moves the knife so it's no longer touching his throat, but is close enough that it still feels like it may as well be.

"I'll--I'll go with you," Mike stammers.

"Mike, no, you're not," Harvey interjects. 

"I see self-sacrificing is something you two have in common. Very sweet, but I'm not in the mood for sweet."

Luke has barely even finished his sentence when he proceeds to directly drag the blade across Mike's throat in one quick motion. Mike immediately drops to the ground with a sickening thud and blood pours out in gouts.

Harvey rushes to him, dropping down to his knees beside him and instantly wrapping his hand around the front of Mike's neck, desperately trying to apply pressure to the wound. His shaky hands quickly turn crimson while Mike gasps for air.

"H--Har--"

"I got you, Mike. You're going to be okay. Just relax."

Harvey looks up and Luke is already gone. 

"Somebody help!," he screams at the top of his lungs, desperate for anybody to hear him.

Mike's breathing is slowing down, and his gulps for air are becoming less and less. 

"No, Mike. Please. Just hold on. Please," Harvey cries.

Mike is suddenly quiet. Everything is suddenly quiet. 

-

Harvey wakes up terrified, drenched in cold sweat. He can still feel the warmth of Mike's blood on his hands. He takes deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, but it doesn't seem to be helping. 

He rolls over, turns on the light and staggers out of bed. His heart is racing as he walks out to the living room. He's too scared to even look. Scared that he'll see Mike's lifeless body lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. 

When he brings himself to look, he doesn't see a lifeless body or a pool of blood, instead, he sees Mike sleeping peacefully on the couch, a blanket pulled up to his neck. Harvey walks across the floor quietly so he can get close enough to physically see Mike's chest rising and falling. He pulls up a chair and watches him breathe in and out, over and over until he's finally able to convince himself that _this_ is what's real and _that_ was just a horrible nightmare.


	17. Chapter 17

"Did I wake you up?" 

"No, not at all. What are you doing?" Mike asks as he scrubs a hand through his messy, slept-on hair and fights back a yawn.

"I was just looking for coffee."

Mike goes over to the corner cupboard and digs out the coffee from the back. "Will this work?" 

"Thanks. You want some?"

"Please."

Harvey works on making the coffee while Mike slides into a chair by the table. 

"How did you sleep?"

"Not well."

"Let me guess, my mattress is too firm for your old man back?"

"That must have been it. How'd you sleep?"

"Like a baby. I don't even think I moved once after I closed my eyes."

Harvey finishes up the coffee and finds two mugs to pour it into. He slides one in front of Mike and positions the other across the table from him, before sitting down himself.

Mike wraps his hand around the mug and brings it up to his mouth, carefully taking the smallest sip. 

Harvey gazes at Mike intently. His nightmare had been so vivid last night, that it's making right now, just watching Mike, feel almost surreal to him.

"What?"

Mike's voice snaps Harvey out of it. "Huh?"

"What's wrong? You're looking at me weird."

"Sorry."

"Maybe you should try to lay back down and get some sleep."

"Yeah, maybe. You going to work today?"

"I was going to for a couple of hours."

A look of disappointment washes over Harvey's face.

"But I don't have to," Mike adds. 

"No, you should go. I don't want to stop you from being productive."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"All right. I'm gonna go grab a shower and get ready," Mike gets up and pushes his chair in. "Thanks for the coffee, by the way."

-  
Harvey feels antsy and on edge after Mike leaves. He wishes he would have told Mike to just stay home with him, but that feels a lot like asking Mike to stay home and babysit him. 

Harvey digs through Mike's medicine cabinet to see if he has anything to help him sleep. He finds some Nyquil, which might do the trick. He twists the cap off and drinks straight from the bottle. 

He puts it back in the cabinet when he's done and closes the door before crawling under the covers of the bed.

It's not long before his eyelids start to feel weighted and he drifts off to sleep. 

Unfortunately, he is ripped from his sleep by another nightmare and he once again wakes up shivering, covered in sweat. 

This time it wasn't a nightmare about Mike or things that haven't happened, but rather a replay of things that have already been done to him. The things that have wrecked him and continue to wreck him over and over. 

All the oxygen in the room feels like it's been swallowed up, so Harvey opens a window and lets the cool breeze blow in. It helps, but it's still not enough.

He leaves the room and grabs the first bottle of liquor he sees. It's not like he's drinking for the taste of it.

\-----

Mike ends up getting stuck in meetings all day. By the time he's finishing up his last one, it's already starting to get dark outside. He checks his phone just to make sure he didn't miss any phone calls, which, thankfully, he didn't. He decides to call Harvey to let him know that he'll be home soon. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, Harvey. I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'll be home soon."

"Okay."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Okay. I'll see you in a little bit."

"Okay."

The sound of a click immediately follows. That was weird, but Mike tries not to think too much about it. He'll deal with whatever it is when he's home. 

-

When Mike gets home all the lights are off and the apartment feels frigid. He sees most of the windows have been opened.

"Harvey?"

Mike turns the lights on and starts closing some of the windows. 

"Hey, Harvey, I'm home," Mike announces. 

He walks into the bedroom and turns on the light and sees Harvey sitting on the floor in front of the bed. 

"There you are. What are you doing?"

Harvey doesn't answer. Mike moves closer and crouches down to get eye level with him. "Are you okay?"

Harvey shakes his head. There are tears in his eyes. 

"What happened? Talk to me about it." 

"I watched him kill you. He slit your throat. There was so much blood. And I...I keep looking at my hands expecting to see blood on them because it felt so real. I can't shake it."  


It takes Mike a moment to come to the realization that Harvey is referring to a nightmare.

Mike reaches down and gently grabs Harvey's hand, brings it up and places it on his chest. 

"Harvey, look at me."

Harvey moves his eyes up to meet Mike's. 

"Do you feel that? I'm breathing. I'm very much alive. I'm right here."

"I know. I mean logically I know that. It's just..." Harvey's voice trails off. 

"Harvey, how often do you have nightmares?"

"Almost every night," Harvey admits. "But this is the first time one has ever been about you."

"What are they usually about?"

"Usually it's just about the things that have already happened to me when I was with him. Luke's greatest hits, so to speak."

"Do you think it would help to talk to someone about these nightmares?"

"I'm talking to _you_ about them."

"I know. And I am glad you are. But I mean, maybe you should talk to a professional."

"All right, I'm done with this conversation," Harvey says as he pulls himself up off the ground. 

"Harvey, come on."

"No, Mike. You come on. I finally open up to you the tiniest bit and you want to send me to a fucking shrink."

"That's not what I was trying to do! It was just a suggestion. I want to help you."

"Do me a favor and keep your fucking suggestions to yourself next time."

Harvey storms out of the room and Mike follows closely behind. "Where are you going?"

"To close the windows. I don't want you getting sick."

"Why'd you open them all anyway?"

"I don't know, maybe I was trying to decide which one I wanted to jump out of."

"Harvey, don't say shit like that."

"Or what? You'll send me to a shrink?"

"You're being unfair," Mike accuses. 

Harvey slams the last of the windows shut. He walks over and grabs his jacket from the closet and throws it on. 

"Where you are going?" Mike questions. 

"Out. I need some air."

"Harvey, please. Don't go. I was just trying to help you."

"I'll be back in a little bit."

The door opens and slams shut and Mike is tempted to follow him just to make sure he's safe, but he thinks better of it, because if Harvey's pissed at him just for merely suggesting he talk to somebody, following him around, even if out of concern, isn't going to go over so well. 

Instead, he makes himself a drink and sits down and prepares to wait for him to come back through the door. 

-

Mike hears the front door open and looks down at his watch. 2:47 AM. 

"Good, you're still up," Harvey greets.

"I needed to make sure you got home safely."

Harvey walks over and sits down next to him. 

"I'm really sorry about how I acted earlier, I know now that you were trying to be helpful."

"It's okay, Harvey."

"It's not. Let me make it up to you."

"You don't have to--"

Before Mike can finish his sentence, Harvey's tongue is in his mouth. The kiss is sloppy and his mouth tastes like Scotch. 

"Harvey," Mike breathes as he pulls away from the kiss. 

"Let me," Harvey says as he drops down to his knees, positioning himself between Mike's legs.

He reaches up and grabs the belt buckle of Mike's pants and starts undoing it.

"Harvey, we can't do this."

"You don't have to do anything. I'll do all the work, just relax."

Harvey unzips Mike's zipper and Mike immediately pushes Harvey's hands away and zips it back up. "Harvey stop, you're wasted."

"So what?"

"I'm not...comfortable with this."

Harvey gets off the floor and sits back down on the couch. "Is it because Luke had sex with me? You don't want his sloppy seconds?"

Mike's stomach sinks. "What do you mean he had sex with you? He raped you?"

"No! No. That's not what I said," Harvey replies defensively. "I didn't get raped. I-I let him do things to me, I didn't fight it. It wasn't rape."

"Harvey...if he--"

"Mike, just stop. You don't know what you're talking about. _Please_."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna go to bed. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Do you need--"

"No, I'm fine. I just need to sleep."

Mike watches as Harvey stumbles his way back into the bedroom. 

He knew bad things happened to Harvey, but he didn't know how bad they truly were. He still doesn't. Maybe he never will. But what he does know is that the more he learns about the things that Luke did to Harvey, the more out of his depth and helpless he feels. 

\-----

"Why'd you let me sleep so late?" Harvey asks.

"I think you needed it. How are you feeling?"

"Considering how much I drank yesterday? Pretty good."

"That's good."

"What's wrong with you? You seem...gloomy."

"Harvey, what do you remember about last night?"

"Uhh, not too much. I remember going out and coming back and that's about it."

"You don't remember us talking at all?"

"Not really. Why? Did I say something embarrassing?"

"No. Nothing like that."

"Good."

Mike's not sure if Harvey truly doesn't remember a thing, or if he's pretending not to remember a thing so they don't have to talk about it. Either way, it doesn't make much of a difference, because ultimately both ways force Mike into being complicit and pretending it never happened.


	18. Chapter 18

Harvey is expecting there to be some residual awkwardness between him and Mike, but there isn't. Things feel normal. They don't fight about anything, and they both even make it to the office and get some things accomplished.

Harvey isn't stupid though, he knows this is temporary. He knows the other shoe will be dropping soon, and that other shoe dropping comes in the form of having to see Luke. 

He gets the text from him in the middle of dinner with Mike. It's just an address and a time, but it sends a shiver down his spine, nonetheless.

"Who's that?" Mike asks. 

"Nobody important," Harvey answers, as he hastily locks his phone and stuffs it deep into his pocket. 

They finish their dinner and end the night with a movie. Mike passes out on the couch and Harvey covers him with a blanket before heading back to the bedroom.

Now that Mike's not around he googles the address that Luke gave him to confirm that it is an actual place. It checks out. He wishes that made things easier, but it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. 

He spends the night watching the ceiling fan spin, wondering if there will ever be an end to all of this. 

-

"Where'd you go?"

"I got you breakfast," he says, holding up a brown paper bag in one hand and coffee in the other.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I know. I wanted to."

Harvey hands Mike the bag and he opens it and peaks inside. "Ooh, blueberry. My favorite. Thanks, Harvey."

"Yeah, of course."

"Didn't you get yourself anything?"

"No, I'm not hungry. And I've gotta run in a little bit."

"Where to?"

"Just this thing with a client."

"Ah, okay. How long are you going to be?"

"I don't know. Hopefully not long."

"Okay. I might go into the office today, if your thing doesn't take too long, you could join me."

"We'll see. Anyway, I should probably head out, I don't want to be late."

"Be safe out there. And thanks again for breakfast."

-

Harvey is nervous. It's been a week since he's seen Luke, and a lot has happened since then, including the fact that Harvey had relocated himself to Mike's apartment, and in doing so, he took away Luke's ability to watch his every move with the cameras. He knows Luke isn't going to be happy with that and he's sure there will be some sort of consequence. Luke loves his consequences. 

Harvey tries not to think about it too much, but then what if's spread like wildfire and consume his every thought. 

He gets to the location and checks his watch every 10 minutes. Time alternates between moving too slow and too fast. About an hour before they're supposed to meet, Harvey goes inside. 

He orders a drink, not because he wants it, but rather to give the appearance of normality. 

Harvey checks his watch again and when he looks back up from it, he sees Luke entering. He's nothing, if not punctual. 

"May I?" he asks, gesturing to the chair as if Harvey has any say in it. 

He takes off his coat and hangs it on the chair and rolls up his sleeves before sitting down in the chair across from Harvey. 

"How have you been, Harvey?"

"Fine."

"Don't be dismissive like that. You look at me and answer honestly when I ask you something. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"So, let's try this again. How have you been?"

Harvey swallows hard. "I've just been having some trouble sleeping, is all. Because of nightmares."

"Nightmares about me?"

"Yes. I dreamt that you killed Mike."

"Oh, Harvey. I told you I would never hurt that kid."

"I know. I know what you said, but it's not like I can control what I dream about."

"Do you ever have nightmares about me killing you?"

"No. It's just about the things you did to me."

"Which things?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"So now you're dictating what we talk about and don't talk about? That's not how it works, Harvey. But I'll let you off the hook on that one, because I want to cut to the chase and talk about your current living arrangements. How's the new apartment working for you? I'm sure it feels like you have a lot more privacy."

"Luke, I can explain that..."

"What's there to explain? I was very generous and gave you only a few simple rules to follow, and this is the second time now that you've gone and completely disregarded them. I'll admit that it was probably my fault for letting you off too easy last time, but I'm afraid I can't just let it go this time. There need to be consequences for your actions."

Harvey's afraid to ask, but he knows Luke is waiting for him to do just that. "What kind of consequences?"

"I think you need to come home with me. Just for a night. Perhaps your nightmares aren't doing it justice and a quick refresher could set you back on the right course."

Harvey bites the insides of his cheeks in an attempt to fight back the tears he can feel forming just at the mere suggestion of going back to that place.

"Harvey, look at me," Luke demands. 

Harvey reluctantly makes eye contact with him. 

"What do you think?"

Harvey seems to consider it momentarily. 

"I can't. I just...can't do that. I can't go back there."  
  
"I understand. It's okay. I won't make you go back to the basement. Instead, why don't we switch it up? You host. We'll use your condo. All you have to do is spend the night there with me and then you get to go home to Mike in the morning and all will be forgiven for your latest transgression. Just like that."

 _Just like that_. He makes it sound so goddamn simple. He makes it seem like it's not the same horrifying offer as before, only with a location change. And worst of all, in some way Harvey feels _thankful_ that he's even getting a second offer, like Luke's generosity to not torture him in a basement and instead be kind enough to allow him to be tortured in his own home is something commendable. 

"Harvey. Do we have a deal?"

"Yeah. Okay," he says in a defeated tone.

A devious smile creeps across Luke's face. "That's my boy."

"What am I supposed to tell Mike?"

"You should be a pro at lying to that kid by now. Figure it out. I want you to be at your place no later than 7 pm, and I'll need you to send me the security code. Don't pull any bullshit with that either. I'm being nice and giving you a chance to fix your mistake, don't make me regret it or you'll be the one regretting it the most. Understand?"

Harvey shakes his head.

"No, none of that. I want to hear you say it."

"I understand."

"That's better. Now, let me pay for your drink and you can be on your way. I want you to rest up, you've got a big night ahead of you."

Luke pulls out his wallet and throws a fifty dollar bill down in front of Harvey before getting up and putting his coat back on.

"See you in a few hours," he says. He winks at Harvey and then exits the building. 

Harvey sits and waits for a long while after Luke leaves. He's not sure he even wants to bother going back to Mike's apartment. It seems pointless just to go home so he can lie to Mike about something else.

Maybe it's better to just stay away, send him a text telling him he'll be back in the morning. Mike will worry, but Mike always worries. Mike also always forgives him. Even when he doesn't deserve it, which seems like all the time.

Harvey eventually decides to go back to Mike's. He's not home when he gets there and Harvey figures he went into work, which is a relief because it gives him time to figure out what bullshit lies he'll tell him when he returns. 

He has a moment where he thinks he should just call the cops. I mean, that's what normal people do, right? They call the cops and the bad guy gets arrested. Normal people don't schedule weekly meetups with the person who kept them tied up in a basement for nearly a year and normal people certainly don't offer themselves up on a silver platter for said person.

But Luke had let him go. He could have kept him in that basement for as long as he wanted, clearly, nobody was ever going to find him, but he let him go. That's what Harvey comes back to all the time, that sick feeling that he now somehow _owes_ him something because of it. 

-

Harvey sees the bedroom door slowly open. 

"Hey you," Mike greets. "Did I wake you?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. Good. What are you doing right now? I wanted to see if you want to go out and grab a bite to eat? My treat."

"That sounds nice, but I can't. I have to help someone with something later tonight, and it'll probably end up taking all night, so definitely don't want you to wait up for me, okay?"

"Shit, an all-nighter? Who's it for? I mean, is it anything I can maybe help with?"

"Just an old friend that's cashing in an I-owe-you. I should be able to handle it myself, but thanks for the offer."

"Of course. Uh, well, if you're going to be up late, I better let you get back to resting. Let me know if anything changes and you need help with that I-owe-you."

"I will. Thanks, Mike."

Mike smiles and slowly pulls the door closed behind him. 

Harvey feels sick, and the feeling only intensifies when he sends the security code to his condo to Luke. He gets a message back almost immediately.

_Thanks. See you soon, Harvey._

Harvey gets ready to leave the house about an hour before he's supposed to be there. He doesn't see Mike around, which is good, it saves him from having to sneak out. Mike had seemed to believe the lie Harvey had told him, so he didn't want to risk having another conversation with him for Mike to be allowed to grow even the slightest bit suspicious about anything.

The ride there is a total blur. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the cool of the window and when he opens his eyes again he's right outside. 

He hesitates to get out of the car. 

"Everything good?" the driver asks.

"Yeah, sorry."

Harvey gets out and paces in front of the building, not wanting to go in, but too scared to know what happens if he doesn't. 

He had survived 7 months with Luke, he could do manage one more night. That's what he tells himself anyway.

He takes a few deep breaths and enters the building.


	19. Chapter 19

Harvey considers knocking but decides to try his key first. He's barely inserted it and starting to turn it when he hears the door unlocking from the inside out. 

It swings open, and Luke is standing there to greet him. 

"Harvey," Luke says his name like he's surprised he's there. "Come in."

Harvey walks in and Luke moves past him to shut the door behind them. 

"Hold up, I need to check you."

"Check me? You think I brought a weapon?" Harvey questions.

"No, but I'd rather eliminate the chance of any surprises," he explains.

Luke pats down Harvey, starting at the top and working his way down. The only thing he finds on him is his cellphone, which he takes and places in his pocket. 

"You can have it back when we're done here. Follow me." 

Harvey does as he's asked and follows Luke into the living room. Luke sits down on the couch and motions for Harvey to take the seat next to him.

"What did you end up telling Mike?" is the first question out of his mouth as soon as Harvey sits down.

"I told him an old friend was cashing in an I-owe-you."

"Did he buy it?"

"He's not going to show up here if that's what you're asking."

"Good. Stay here for a second," Luke says before he gets up and disappears from Harvey's line of vision. 

When he comes back he has two glasses of red wine in hand. He sets his glass down on the table and hands the other to Harvey. Harvey takes it promptly sits it down on the table.

"It's just wine, Harvey. I didn't put anything in it."

"Then switch glasses with me," Harvey suggests.

Luke hesitates for a moment, before shrugging and switching their glasses around. He takes a sip from the glass that had previously been Harvey's. 

"See?" Luke says.

"I still think I'm going to pass," Harvey decides. 

"I'm not going to force you to drink it, I just thought you might want to take the edge off. You seem...fidgety." 

Luke's comment makes Harvey painfully self-aware and he focuses hard to stop his leg from bouncing the way it does when he's nervous. 

"I'm not going to hurt you," Luke assures. 

"Then why am I here?" Harvey asks as if there could be any other reason. 

"I just want to talk with you," Luke says, before picking up his glass of wine and taking another sip. He sits it down again. "If I'm being totally honest, I've missed you. I've missed the talks we used to have. Don't you?"

Harvey scoffs. "I don't miss anything about you."

"I don't think that's true at all. I think you just don't want to admit it because it scares you to think what kind of person that would make you if you miss anything about a person who could do the things that I did to you."

"You don't know what you're talking about." 

"I think I do. There's a reason you keep choosing me over Mike."

"I don't choose you over Mike," Harvey denies. 

"Sure you do. Anytime you lie to him, which, let's face it, is all the time now. Anytime you sneak away to come to meet me. That's you choosing me over Mike."

"No, it's not. I lie to him to _protect_ him. And because you make me."

"You let him be unknowingly watched by cameras day in and day out for how long? Was that you protecting him or was that you protecting me?"

Exhaling frustratedly, Harvey rubs a hand over his face. "It's not that simple."

"You could have told him to go home, but you let him stay there knowing full well that I was watching."

"I moved him where there weren't any cameras. I risked breaking one of your goddamn rules to _protect_ him."

Luke smiles when he sees how worked up Harvey is getting. 

"Relax, Harvey."

He reaches over and gently places a hand on Harvey's knee. Harvey jerks backward, maneuvering himself so he's up against the edge of the couch. 

"Please, don't."

"Sorry," Luke apologizes. "You clearly have some unresolved intimacy issues. How's Mike handling that? I mean, does he even know that you and I--"

"Shut-up," Harvey cuts him off.

"I'll take that as a no. But I suppose that's one of those things you're lying about to protect him from. Right?"

Their conversation is briefly interrupted by Harvey's cell phone ringing. Luke reaches into his pocket and pulls it out, and looks at the caller ID. 

"Well, look at that. It's from Mike. I'll put it on speaker and you answer it."

"Luke..."

"Here," Luke says as he slides his finger across the screen, puts it on speaker and tosses it to Harvey. 

"Hello?" Mike says. 

"Uh, hey," Harvey answers after scrambling to pick up the phone. 

"Hey. I just wanted to call and make sure you got where you were going all right."

"I did. And I'm busy right now, so I can't talk long."

"Sorry. You sure there's nothing I can to help you?"

"No, I'm good. Everything's good. But thanks."

"Oh, okay. Do you still think you'll be there all night?"

"Uh yeah, looks that way. Don't wait up for me."

Mike sighs. "All right. I'll miss you." 

"I'll miss you too. I have to get back to work, Mike."

"Okay. See you when you get home."

"Yeah, okay. Goodbye."

"Bye, Harvey."

The phone clicks on the other end of the line, and Harvey hangs it up and holds the phone out for Luke to take back. 

"No 'I love you's'?" Luke is quick to point out. 

"What?" Harvey asks.

"You didn't say I love you to him and he didn't say it to you."

"And?"

"Let me get this straight, you can't be physically intimate with him, but you also can't tell him you love him. I guess yours can be explained away by your recent...experiences, but why doesn't he say it to you?"

Harvey tries to recall if Mike has said it to him since he's been back, and he can't remember a single time. 

"You're jumping to a lot of conclusions based on one phone call," Harvey replies.

"So he has said it then?"

"Yes," Harvey lies.

"That's good to hear. If he didn't I fear it would be because he deems you too broken to be loved and perhaps now he's just sticking around out of obligation. Or pity. Maybe a little bit of both."

Luke picks up his glass of wine, swirls it around and takes another sip. 

"It sounded like he was at a bar, by the way."

"What?"

"The background noise. It sounded like he was at a bar. Perhaps he's looking to drown his sorrows or maybe he is just looking to find someone who can put out without having a panic attack."

Harvey swallows hard. "You're just trying to get in my head."

" _Trying_ to get in your head?" Luke laughs. "Harvey, I've been in your head for _months_ now."

Harvey can't deny that and the truth feels like a punch to the gut. 

"But I didn't bring you here to make you feel bad. In fact, quite the opposite, I just wanted to offer you some insight. You seem a bit lost these days if I'm being honest. Do you feel lost, Harvey?"

"I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore." Harvey isn't exactly planning on offering that piece of information to Luke, but the words had practically fallen out of his mouth.

"Maybe you are who are just becoming who you've always been. Maybe everything before this version of yourself was you simply pretending."

"No. This isn't who I am. I'm not this--"

"Weak," Luke interrupts with to finish his sentence. 

Harvey shrugs, willing to accept it as a suitable answer. 

"I want to try something with you. Wait here."

Those words alone make Harvey's heart start beating faster. 

Luke gets up and momentarily walks out of the room before returning and sitting back down. 

"Give me your hand," he says. 

Harvey reluctantly extends his hand and Luke casually places a knife into it. 

"What the hell is this for?" Harvey asks.

"Stab me," Luke says bluntly. 

"What?"

"You don't want to feel weak, so stab me."

Harvey looks horrified. "I'm not going to stab you."

"The old Harvey would have already done it. Do you want to keep being a weak, pathetic coward, or do you want to feel like you have some goddamn power?"

Luke is inching himself closer to Harvey, daring him to do it. 

Harvey slowly raises the knife, his hand shaking ever so slightly. 

"Good, now we're getting somewhere," Luke encourages, a crooked smile planted on his face. "Think of all the times I hurt you, all the things I did to you in that bed, all the times I--"

"Just shut up already!" Harvey shouts. 

Luke reaches out and grabs Harvey's hand and moves it so the knife is pressed against his chest. "All you have to do is push it in. You can make it all go away."

Harvey's heart is pounding ferociously and the knife suddenly feels like it weighs a ton. 

"Come on, Harvey. Just fucking do it," Luke yells.

Harvey closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and pulls the knife away from Luke. "I can't," he says under his breath.

"Well, I can," Luke says, quickly snatching the knife out of his hand and swiping it across Harvey's forearm before he can even have time to realize what's happening.

Harvey lets out a sharp cry and immediately grabs at his arm where blood is now spilling from. 

"Let's get you patched up," Luke says calmly. 

He gets up and grabs a towel and brings it over, immediately using it to apply pressure to the wound. 

"I'm sorry I had to do that. If you would have just done what I asked you to do, I wouldn't have had to. Do you understand that?"

"I-I don't. You wanted me to _stab_ you so you do this because I couldn't?" Harvey is struggling to wrap his head around it. 

"I was trying to help you and the fact that you can't see that is a little disheartening." 

Luke temporarily lifts the towel to assess the wound. "I'm afraid this might require a few stitches. Keep pressure on this, I'll be right back."

Harvey places his hand where Luke's had just been. The dishtowel is nearly soaked through at this point. 

Luke comes back holding supplies in his arms and Harvey wonders if he knew this is how things were going to play out and he came prepared. 

Luke arranges himself and his things in front of Harvey. 

"Let me see," Luke says.

Harvey holds out his arm and Luke carefully examines it. The bleeding has mostly slowed down. He cleans it and stitches it up, meticulous with his every move when doing so. Luckily, it doesn't require too many.

"Good as new," Luke announces when he finishes. 

"Thank you," Harvey says and immediately feels weird about it considering the circumstances.

"I didn't want to hurt you," Luke says, his voice is soft and tinged with regret.

"It was my fault," Harvey says. 

That was a phrase Harvey had said many times to Luke while he was in the basement. At first, it was something he said just to appease him, but the more things happened, and the more he said it, the more he had started to actually believe it. 

"It's okay, I forgive you," Luke replies. "Why don't we cut this short? You should go lay down and get some rest. I know it's been a hard day for you."

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep."

"I can give you something to help."

It's a bad idea, but those are seemingly the only ideas Harvey seems to have lately, so he agrees to it. Whatever it takes to get this day over with and get back to Mike.

He is already starting to feel the effects by the time he crawls under the covers of his bed. All his limbs feel heavy and everything around him feels like it's fading fast. 

Harvey notices the weight shift on the bed when Luke sits down next to him. He doesn't react to it and he doesn't fight it when his eyelids start to feel heavy, instead, he closes them tight and waits for sleep to drag him away. 

The last thing he feels is Luke's hand running through his hair.


	20. Chapter 20

Harvey wakes up feeling groggy and disoriented. His vision is blurred and he blinks his eyes a few times hoping to be able to see anything other than utter darkness.

It's cold. Damp. It's all starting to feel very familiar.

His body feels stiff. He moves his arms to stretch and is met with resistance. 

"Oh, god," he whispers.

He squeezes his eyes tight and tries to will himself someplace different. Anywhere but here.

The door opens and the light sneaks through and disappears.

 _Twelve steps_ , Harvey thinks. 

His breathing starts to quicken and he swears he can hear his heartbeat echoing throughout the room.

Every footstep towards him sounds thunderous and Harvey doesn't know if he can even look. Looking would make it real. 

Even with his eyes closed, his presence alone makes Harvey's stomach drop. 

"Welcome back, Harvey," Luke says gleefully. 

" _This isn't real. This isn't real_ ," Harvey repeats over and over. 

"Open your eyes, Harvey."

Harvey reluctantly opens his eyes to see Luke standing in front of him, a smile plastered on his face.

"See? I'm real."

"No, no, no, no," Harvey starts to cry out. 

He desperately tries to pull away from his ropes, knowing full well it's an exercise in futility and that he's not going anywhere, and the only thing he's going to do is tear his wrists up trying. 

"You act like you don't want to be here," Luke says.

Harvey stops pulling at the ropes. "I don't!"

"Really?" You let me _drug_ you, for Christ's sake. How did you think that would end up for you?"

"I just...I just wanted to sleep."

"I beg to differ. I think you were hoping I brought you back here."

"No, you're wrong. Why would I ever want to be here again?" 

"Because it's easier. You don't deserve what you have out there. You know that. I know that. Everybody knows that. But here? With me? This is what you deserve."

Harvey doesn't respond. He can feel himself starting to tear up, so he tilts his head back and tries to blink them away. 

Luke crouches down and moves his face inches from Harvey's. He reaches up and places his hand around Harvey's throat. He squeezes, just hard enough to get a small choking sound out of him. 

"I've missed this," Luke says softly.

He takes his spare hand and brushes his fingers over Harvey's lips. Harvey involuntarily shudders underneath it. 

Luke notices it.

"Ah, I can see that you've missed it too," he laughs.

Luke closes what little space was left between them and tries to kiss Harvey. Harvey pulls his head back and launches it forward connecting with Luke's face. He stumbles a few steps backward, and then a fist connects hard with Harvey's face.

Harvey only remembers the first few punches that landed before everything is swallowed by black.

-

He wakes up to a cold cloth dabbing his face. 

"Here, take these. It'll help with the pain," Luke says. 

Harvey knows the drill. He opens his mouth and Luke drops the pills in, and unscrews a bottle of water, carefully dumping some in his mouth. Harvey swallows them, not without dribbling a little water onto his shirt. 

"I'm sorry. I hate that you made me hurt you."

Harvey feels like he's ready to drift back into unconsciousness, and the only thing keeping him awake is the cold cloth Luke continues trying to clean him up with. Every time it touches it to his skin it stings and makes him wince. 

"I think you'll be okay. How do you feel?"

"I want to go home."

"Where's home, Harvey?"

"With Mike," he replies, his voice cracking.

Luke holds his hand over his heart. "That's adorable. And that also means you should love what I got you. Stay right there. And stay awake. I'll be right back."

Harvey watches intently for Luke to return when he does he can see he's carrying something, but can't quite make out what it is.

When he gets close enough the realization sinks in and makes his blood run cold.

"I got you a present. A welcome home gift, if you will. Okay, maybe it's not just for you, but it's for _us_ ," he clarifies.

"No, no, no. Luke. You can't do this. You promised." 

Luke carelessly drops Mike to the ground and he lands with a sickening thud.

Harvey refuses to accept that this is happening and what he hates it, even more, is the reason he can't accept it is that Luke _promised_ him he would leave Mike alone. It doesn't make sense for him to be here.

Harvey squeezes his eyes shut as hard as he can. Unwilling to look anymore and determined to make this stop immediately.

" _This isn't real, this can't be real. Wake up, wake up. Wake the fuck up!_ ", Harvey screams.

-

Harvey shoots up in bed, still screaming. He's sweat-drenched, his heart is pounding and his breathing's erratic. His eyes dart around the room quickly taking in his surroundings. He's not there. 

Knowing it was a nightmare offers little to no comfort to him because his nightmares are always so excruciatingly vivid.

He waits until his breathing regulates and crawls out from underneath the sweat-dampened covers. 

He pads across the floor and out into the hallway, which is heavy with silence. Luke doesn't seem to be here anymore. It's just him now and all the things that haunt him. 

He wanders over to the couch and sees small stains of blood that dripped onto it last night. He looks down at his arm and gently runs his fingertips overtop the sutures. 

He's still reeling from last night, still reeling from the nightmare and something about seeing the blood on the couch, the wine glasses, and what's going to be another goddamn scar on his body from Luke makes him feel like he's unraveling.

He picks up one of the wine glasses and tosses it hard against the wall, pieces of glass shattering and spreading all over the floor. He grabs the second one and tosses it in the opposite direction. 

He proceeds to walk through the house, locating every one of Luke's cameras and ripping them from the spot they were hidden before gathering them into a pile in the middle of the floor. 

He opens the hallway closet and drags his baseball bat out from the back of it and goes back to where the cameras have been piled up.

He swiftly brings the bat down hard on them. Over and over, refusing to stop even when the pieces were so shattered that they couldn't be broken into anything smaller and he was mostly just hitting empty floor space where they had previously been.

He doesn't stop, _can't_ stop, at just the cameras, he swings at everything in his house he can connect with. The tv, coffee table, bottles of alcohol that were sitting around, anything.

"Fuck!" he screams. He swings the bat again and again. "You ruined my life! You ruined my fucking life!" he shouts variations of until his voice is hoarse.

He only stops once he completely exhausts himself and has no choice but to slide down against the closest available wall. He let's go of his white-knuckled grip on the bat and it rolls out of his hand and across the wood floor. 

He completely breaks down. 

The tears come pouring out. His shoulders begin to shake as heavy, painful sobs wrack through his body. There is a horrible ache in his chest. His face is hot and it's hard to breathe.

It takes him a long time to calm down. He doesn't know how long. Hours that feel like years. Eventually, his violent sobs fade into the occasional sniffle. 

In the distance, he hears the buzzing of his phone against the countertop. He'd heard it off and on for a while, and he's sure that it's Mike calling because he's worried about him.

Harvey waits a little while longer and then drags himself up off the floor to check the phone.

Missed calls, unanswered texts, voicemails, all from Mike. 

He sticks the phone in his pocket, opting to deal with him when he gets back.

He doesn't bother cleaning up any of the mess before going, he just leaves the wreckage undealt with the same way he does with every other aspect of his life.

\-----

"Where the hell were you?"

Not exactly what Harvey was hoping to be greeted with the second he walked through the door. 

"Look, Mike, I'm sorry."

"Where were you all this time? Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"I fell asleep and then my phone died."

"Give me your phone," Mike demands.

"What?"

"I want to see your phone."

Harvey sighs and pulls out his phone, holding it out for him to see.

Mike looks at it, sees a near-full charge and huffs. "Did you even look at any of my messages?"

"I was busy," Harvey says, brushing past Mike so he could be inside the place instead of trapped at the door. "It was a long night that spilled into the day. I didn't want to be distracted by my phone," he adds.

Mike trails closely behind him. "And what about your arm?"

Harvey looks down at his arm, realizing he had completely forgotten to roll his sleeve back down to keep it covered. Shit.

"I accidentally cut myself. It's not a big deal."

" _Accidentally_?" Mike asks, his tone accusatory. 

"What's that supposed to mean? You think I did it on _purpose_?"

"I don't know. Considering your comment about jumping out of a window the other day and all the trauma you've been through that you never want to talk about, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility." 

"It was an _accident_ ," Harvey reiterates.

There's a long drawn out silence between them after that. 

"You know, I worry about you so much," Mike finally says. "All the goddamn time. So, when you're gone for _hours_ longer than you said you'd be gone, and then don't pick up the phone when I call...do you know how that makes me feel?"

"I know, Mike."

"That's the thing, I don't think you do. Or maybe you do and you just don't give a shit. There is somebody out there roaming freely who _tortured_ you for _months_. That fucking terrifies me. So when I don't hear from you for hours on end, I start wondering if maybe you being gone is permanent this time. I don't think I get you back a second time," Mike says, his eyes starting to tear up at the thought.

"Mike..."

"Harvey, please listen to me. I can't lose you again. It would kill me," Mike says, his voice breaking on the last words. 

Harvey pulls Mike into a hug. "You're not going to lose me," he whispers against Mike's ear.

Harvey doesn't believe it himself, and he's not exactly sure that Mike believes it either, but Mike hugs him tighter when he says it, and these are some of the only times Harvey feels truly safe, so he's oddly content with neither of them believing it.


	21. Chapter 21

Mike knows he should press Harvey harder on things like this. And he always swears the next time he will, but he can never bring himself to do it when that time rolls around. Harvey always seems so sad and vulnerable and Mike hates the idea of being the one to make him feel even worse about anything.

Harvey has made it painfully clear that he doesn't like talking about things, but ignoring the things he doesn't want to talk about is starting to feel reckless.

"Do you care if I go crash for a bit?" Harvey asks.

"No, go for it. I still want to finish this conversation with you later though, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Harvey agrees before heading back to the bedroom.

Mike sits on the couch and mindlessly flips through channels. After a while, he gets up and peaks into the bedroom. Harvey appears to be sleeping, so he enters the room as quietly as possible. He very carefully reaches for Harvey's cellphone on the nightstand and leaves the room with it. 

Mike wants to know who Harvey was with last night so he can get the actual story of what happened. He starts scrolling through messages and recent calls but can't find anything useful. He concludes that Harvey has been deleted all his messages or perhaps he never met up with anybody in the first place.

He doesn't like the thought of either option. 

He sighs and walks the phone back into the bedroom, placing it back down where he had taken it from. 

Harvey moans and shifts in the bed, but instantly quiets back down and continues sleeping. 

Mike leaves the room quietly, leaving the door slightly open so he'd be able to hear Harvey if he needed him. 

\-----

"It smells good in here," Harvey says through a yawn. 

Mike dumps the noodles into the strainer and turns around to face Harvey.

"How'd you sleep?" he asks.

"Okay. What are you making?"

"Spaghetti with homemade meatballs. I'm not the best cook, but this is my Grammy's recipe. It's gonna blow your mind."

"I look forward to it," Harvey says with a half-smile. "Need me to help with anything?"

"If you want to grab two plates, I'd appreciate it. They're in the cabinet over there above the drainer," Mike explains.

Harvey walks over and grabs two plates out and hands them to Mike. "Anything else?"

"Nope. That's it. It'll be ready in about ten more minutes."

Harvey sits down at the kitchen table. He's slept for hours, but it has yet to make him feel any less tired. 

He watches as Mike finishes up in the kitchen, and feels painfully aware of how much he doesn't deserve to have him in his life.

Mike places a plate down in front of Harvey and then follows suit by placing his down across from him. He walks away and comes back with two glasses of water.

"Is this okay?" he asks. Harvey gives him a nod so he sets it down next to his plate. "Bon appetit," he adds when he sits down in his chair. 

"Thanks," Harvey says as he picks up his fork and twirls the noodles around his fork and takes a bite. 

"Well?" Mike says, anxiously awaiting his critique from Harvey.

"Consider my mind blown." 

Mike smiles and takes a bite of his own. It's been a long while since he made this, but he's impressed with himself for how well it turned out.

Mike tries to start a conversation with Harvey, multiple times, but he mostly gets one word answered or head nods in return. 

He also notices Harvey has only taken a few more bites after his initial one and is mostly just poking at his food now. 

"Is everything okay?" Mike questions.

"Yeah. I think I'm just not fully awake yet."

"How's your arm?"

"You're not going to let that go, are you?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"No, it's fine, I'll tell you. I completely lost my shit and took a baseball bat to my entire apartment this morning, and while doing that I accidentally cut myself. I called a friend over and had him stitch it up. Like I said before, it's not a big deal."

Mike doesn't say anything at first, unsure if this is one of those times he should be pressing Harvey for more information.

"What made you lose your shit?" he asks.

"Something between nothing and everything."

Mike looks at him with concern. It's a look that's become far too familiar.

"I'm okay now, Mike."

Harvey reaches across the table and squeezes Mike's hand. "I promise."

Harvey is more talkative after that, and he actually starts eating his food, and Mike should feel better about that, but he can't help but Harvey is only doing it to steer the conversation away from where it had been.  


It works to some degree, Mike temporarily backburns any questions or doubts that still linger in favor of just being able to have a conversation with the man he loves over dinner. 

-

When they finish dinner, Harvey insists on doing the dishes and Mike obliges him. After he finishes, they decide to go on a walk together, just to get some fresh air and halfway through Mike reaches for Harvey's hands and interlocks his fingers with his. 

Mike almost expects a negative reaction to it, for Harvey to quickly pull away, but to his surprise, Harvey embraces it, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

They walk until Harvey starts yawning and Mike asks if he wants to turn back. Harvey doesn't want it to end, so they continue awhile longer before finally deciding it was starting to get late and head back.

Once back, Harvey changes into a pair of sweatpants and a plain black t-shirt. He pulls the duvet off of the bed and haphazardly folds it up, and sets it on the floor at the bottom of the bed. He gets a towel out of the linen closet and lays it overtop the sheet on the bed. With how frequently he's been having nightmares, he figures this will make things easier. 

He crawls into bed and pulls the sheet up to cover him and sees Mike standing at the door.

"Do you have everything you need?"

"Yeah, I think I'm good."

"Good."

"Thanks for tonight, Mike. I needed that."

"I think we both did. Want me to shut your door on the way out?"

"Not all the way, leave it open a crack."

"Okay. Goodnight, Harvey."

"Goodnight."

Mike leaves the door open a crack and heads back towards the living room where he plops down on the couch with a heavy sigh. He lays there for a while in silence as his thoughts raced. 

When he can't stand those very thoughts, he pulls himself up on the couch, throws on his jacket and exits the house, making as little noise as humanly possible.

-  
Mike's not sure what he's expecting to see, but it isn't the level of destruction he's met with. 

The glass crunches louder under his feet with each step as he makes his way further into the room where he has a clear view of the entire room.

The coffee table is destroyed, the barstools and chairs are all knocked to the ground, the lights above his kitchen counter are all shattered.

There seem to be very few things that were left untouched. 

He spots the bat over by the wall and walks over to pick it up when he bends down to grab it something else catches his eye. He picks it up and examines it. Almost looks like it came from a small camera. He doesn't think anything of it and puts it back down.

He goes into the kitchen and grabs a couple of trash bags, as well as the dustpan and broom from the closet. 

He gets all the furniture back upright and starts to sweep up some of the glass and pick up whatever wasn't salvageable and throw it away. 

He finds another camera piece similar to the one he had found earlier. He wonders if maybe it was something from the security system they had installed that he just wasn't aware of. He sets it to the side to keep so he can ask Harvey or get in contact with the security company about them.

After cleaning for nearly two hours, he finishes. It's not perfect, but at least everything isn't covered in glass anymore. He sits down on the couch to rest for a moment and observe his work.

He takes a look at his watch. He should probably go home. Both because he's tired and he needs to make sure Harvey is okay. 

Once home he peaks into Harvey's room. He appears to be sleeping. Mike stands at the door for a few minutes and just listens. Harvey makes a couple of small noises and moves around a little bit, but it's nothing that particularly concerns him too much.

He leaves and changes into his pair of sweats and an old t-shirt of Harvey's that he'd gotten used to sleeping in. He grabs a blanket and pillow from the closet and makes himself comfortable on the couch.

He falls asleep before his mind has time to start wandering. 

\-----

The sound of the shower running wakes him up in the morning. He glances at his watch and groans but decides to get up anyway. 

He gets dressed and decides to run down and grab some donuts and coffee from a place within walking distance that Harvey frequently talked about.

When he comes back, Harvey's sitting at the kitchen counter, reading through the newspaper.

"Good morning," Mike says.

He sits down the donut box in front of Harvey and his cup of coffee next to it.

Harvey opens the box and looks inside. "Oh, wow. You got my favorite ones."

"Believe it or not, I do pay attention when you talk sometimes."

"Thanks, Mike."

"No problem," Mike says as he reaches into the box and plucks out a donut for himself.

Harvey grabs one out for himself and closes the box.

"How'd you sleep last night?" he asks.

"I didn't have any nightmares," Harvey answers, figuring that was the question Mike actually wanted to ask.

"That's good. Got anything on your agenda today?"

"I might go for a run. Especially after eating these. I just have to figure out whether I can muster up the energy for a second shower afterward. Why? What do you have going on?"

"I just have a few errands to run. You're welcome to come with if you want."

"I think I'll pass on that. But thanks."

They finish up with their coffee and donuts and Harvey eventually changes into his running clothes and heads out the door to get his run in. He tells Mike if he waits any longer to do it he was going to lose the motivation.

With Harvey gone Mike figures it's a good a time as any to get his own things done. He had to drop some papers off at the office and make a quick stop to the bank. He also made sure to remember to grab the bag he had put those camera parts in so he could swing by the place that installed the security system at Harvey's apartment and see about getting them fixed. He had been considering upping the security in his apartment as well, so it would be the perfect opportunity to ask about it.

-

When he finally makes it to the security place, he's told that they don't install cameras in their client's house and explains what they do install, which Mike is aware of, because he remembers all of the things he lists being done. 

"Where would these have come from then?" he asks, mostly thinking out loud. 

"Hard to tell since it's mostly in pieces, but it kind of looks like something that would be used to conduct a live feed of sorts."

"Live feed? That doesn't make any sense."

"Hey, I'm just offering you a suggestion here."

"No, I know. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit confused is all."

"You live with somebody? Maybe ask them."

"Yeah, I guess I'll have to. Thanks for your help."

"Do you want to schedule that appointment for your place?"

"Um, I'll give you a call if that's okay?"

"Sure. Look forward to it."

"Thanks again for your help," Mike says before leaving.

\-----  
When Mike gets back to his apartment, Harvey is sitting on the couch reading a book. 

"What are these?" he asks, tossing the bag he'd stored them in onto Harvey's lap.

Harvey only has to briefly look at them to know what it is. "How'd you get these?"

"I asked you a question, Harvey."

"It looks like cameras."

"I know that, but what are they for? There's like five of them."

"I think they were just part of the security system."

"No, they're not. I just talked to the people that installed it. What are they for?"

Harvey doesn't answer. He's having a hard time even making eye contact with Mike right now. He feels like he's trapped. 

"Tell me!" Mike shouts, loud enough to startle Harvey.

"They're Luke's," Harvey admits.

"So then why are they at your place?"

"They were to watch me," Harvey answers, his voice barely a whisper.

"Watch you?"

"He hid them in my apartment so he could watch what I was doing."

Mike is struggling to wrap his head around it. "Like a live feed? How long were they there for?"

"Since before he took me."

"How long have you known about them?"

"He told me about it when I was in the basement. I don't know when. Early on, I guess."

"Jesus," Mike says under his breath. He paces a few steps. "When you came back, and we were there together...was he still using them?"

Harvey hesitates to answer but does anyway. "Yes."

"You _let_ that motherfucker _watch_ us?" 

"You don't understand. It's not like that."

"You should have fucking told me!" Mike yells angrily.

"I couldn't. It wasn't part of his deal."

"Oh, now you have a _deal_ with him? What else is part of that deal? Not going to the police, I presume? Maybe having him over for coffee? You know what, why don't we just go ahead and take the goddamn locks off the doors so he can walk right in here? Or maybe--"

"Stop it, Mike." 

Harvey pushes out a breath and quickly wipes at the tears starting to form in his eyes with his sleeve before continuing. "I might not have told you about the cameras, but that's why we're here, I brought us here so we could be away from them."

"In other words, you ran away from the problem instead of dealing with it? That sounds about right for you these days."

Harvey doesn't respond. It's not exactly untrue.

"I need to get out of here and away from all of this for a bit," Mike says. "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

The door slams shut behind him, and he hears Mike use his key to lock it from the outside.


	22. Chapter 22

"I need a drink," Mike says, pushing past Sean as soon as the door is open.

"Uh, come in," Sean says to himself, as he closes the door behind him.

Sean grabs two glasses out of his cupboard and a bottle of whiskey. He holds it up for Mike to see, and Mike gives it an approving nod.

Sean pours some in each glass and slides Mike's over to him. Mike immediately downs it and grimaces at the burn as it goes down. He pours himself another, as the warmth of the first starts to spread through him.

"So, what brings you to my house, other than the need for a drink?"

"I just needed to be away from Harvey."

"Something happen between you two?" he asks before taking a small sip from his glass.

"The guy who took him, Luke, had hidden cameras in his place and had been watching everything that happened in that place for god knows how long."

"What? How's that even possible?"

"I don't know. I don't know if I even want to know. Harvey said it was part of some deal he made with him."

"I know I've said this before, but you need to get the police involved."

"And I've told you before, I can't. Harvey told me he would never go along with it. And if I call the police and he isn't a willing participant it's going to take that option completely away. I can't risk doing that."

Mike finishes off what's left in his glass, and reaches for the bottle again. Sean grabs his hand. "You should probably pace yourself," he suggests.

Mike glares at him before pulling his hand free and opts to take a swig directly from the bottle this time.

"Maybe you could try to convince him to go."

Sean laughs and then realizes that Mike is being completely serious. "Are you kidding? If he doesn't do it when you ask, what the hell makes you think he would do it because I asked?"

"He respects you."

"I don't think we're talking about the same Harvey here."

"What makes you think he doesn't?"

"Gee, I don't know, maybe every single interaction we've ever had?"

"You helped him get me out of prison. He owes you."

Sean downs the rest of his drink, momentarily considers it and then shakes his head. "I just don't think it's a good idea, Mike. What about Donna? Or Jessica? Or hell, what about Louis?"

"I don't think Harvey's said more than ten words combined to any of them since he's been back. Things are just so different between everybody."

Mike sighs and gives his idea a second thought. "Yeah, it's probably a stupid idea. I'm just...desperate to help him, I guess."

"I think you just have to give him time. You told me the other night at dinner that he's finally starting to share things with you. That has to be a good sign, right?"

Mike takes another drink. "He's only sharing things because he can't hide them any longer."

"It's still a start. And if he's pulling all-nighters for work like you said, that little bit of normalcy could help him."

Mike laughs dryly. "Only his all-nighter was complete bullshit. Honestly, I don't think he ever even met up with anybody. That's how I found out about the cameras. He told me he got drunk and destroyed his apartment. I went to clean up his apartment later and found them and then I had to force the truth out of him, and I don't even know how much of that really was the truth. I never do anymore."

"Shit."

"Yeah, that about sums it up. Anyway, I shouldn't have come here just to dump my problems on you again. Maybe I should go back."

"You came all this way, why don't you stay for a little bit. We could play a game of chess or something?"

" _Chess_? Really? You've got to get out more," Mike teases.

"I thought it might be a good distraction, is all."

A distraction sounds nice.

"Okay, let's do it. One game."

-

One game turns into the best of three, Mike refusing to let Sean's first win be the end-all. Mike wins the last two, but he thinks maybe Sean took mercy on him on the third game and let him have the win knowing he needed any sort of victory more than he did.

"Okay, you still need to get out more, but I'll admit, this was a good distraction," Mike says.

"You're only saying that because you won."

"Oh, that's absolutely the reason." He grins and looks at his watch. The numbers are slightly blurred but he can read them enough to know that he really should start heading home now.

"You getting ready to head back?"

"Yeah, it's getting late. I better get back home. Do you care if I take this with me? I'll buy you a replacement," Mike asks, pointing at the half-empty bottle on the counter.

"Knock yourself out," Sean replies. "Do you want me to walk you out or anything?"

"No, I think I should be good. As always, thanks for letting me vent."

"Sure. I just wish I could be of more help."

"That's certainly a sentiment I can relate to," Mike says.

Sean walks Mike to the door and they say their goodbyes.

He texts Harvey while he's outside waiting for his cab that he'll be home soon. Harvey doesn't respond, but he didn't necessarily expect him to.

The ride back makes him nauseous, and he's not sure if it's the whiskey he's consumed or the quietness and being left alone with his thoughts.

Once he's back, he stumbles his way to the front door and fumbles with his keys before finally managing to get it open.

He takes off his jacket and tosses it on the back of the sofa. There are a few beer bottles littered across the table, and Harvey figures Mike had the same idea that he did.

He makes his way to the bedroom and peaks in, the lights are off and Harvey is in the bed.

"Harvey?"

No response. Mike enters the room and carefully sits down on the side of the bed opposite him, before shifting and moving up on the bed. He just needs to lay down and rest his eyes for a few minutes and then he'll leave.

\-----

Mike rolls over in bed and slowly blinks his eyes open. The sun is sneaking through the curtains and he can hear the shower running in the bathroom.

'Shit', he says under his breath, mentally kicking himself for falling asleep in the bed last night.

He gets out of bed and hurries to get dressed before Harvey can finish up. For some reason, it feels like he's trying to sneak out of the room, which is ridiculous because Harvey obviously knows he was there.

He goes out to the kitchen and makes a pot of coffee.

Harvey eventually makes an appearance. He's dressed in dark jeans and a t-shirt that's still clinging to the parts of his body that he didn't dry completely. His hair is combed back in a way that vaguely reminds Mike of how Harvey had looked when they'd met. That feels like several lifetimes ago.

Mike offers him coffee, but he declines with a nod of his head.

"Sorry that I crashed in your bed last night."

"It's your house, you can sleep wherever you want."

Harvey leans against the countertop and mindlessly shuffles through the pile of neglected mail that's starting to pile upon it.

There's some leftover tension from yesterday that very quickly is starting to take over the room.

"Where did you go last night?" Harvey finally asks.

"To Sean's," Mike answers.

"Cahill?"

Mike nods from behind his coffee mug. He takes a sip and puts it back down.

"So, what, you two are best friends now? When did that happen?"

If Harvey's trying to hide the bitterness in his voice, he's not doing a good job.

"When you were missing, I went to him to see if he could help me out."

Harvey laughs. "How did that end up working out?"

Mike's not sure if that's a jab at him or Sean, but either way, it triggers that familiar pang of guilt. The fact that he had done everything he thought he could do, and it never yielded any real results and Harvey had to suffer more because of it, is something that will forever torment him.

"Are you mad at me or something?" Mike asks.

"When you called me the night this happened," Harvey says, motioning to the cut on his arm, "were you with Sean then, too?"

"He's just my friend, Harvey," Mike says assuredly.

"That's not what I asked."

"Yes, I was with him. We grabbed some dinner and had a few beers together. Am I not allowed to have friends now?"

"It was just a question," Harvey says.

There's a long, awkward pause.

"Anyway, I'm going to head to the gym for a while."

"In those clothes?" Mike questions.

"My gym bag is still there in a locker."

"When will you be back?"

Harvey is already halfway to the front door.

"Eventually," he replies.

Mike hears the door open and close shut. He rubs his hands over his face in frustration and wonders how the hell he keeps ending up the bad guy.

Maybe the gym will help Harvey blow off some steam and he'll come back in a better mood. Mike decides he needs to blow off some steam too, but instead of the gym, he opts to head to the office and bury himself in legal documents.

\-----

"Sorry to interrupt but there's someone here to see you. I told him he needs an appointment, but he insisted that it's urgent."

"Go ahead and send him in."

"Okay," she says, disappearing from the door frame.

Sean is expecting Mike to walk into the room, but instead, he gets Harvey.

"Harvey," he says, his voice unable to hide the surprise in it. "Good to see you. Have a seat."

"I don't need a seat, I'm not staying long."

"Okay. What can I do for you? You look good by the way."

"Cut the shit, Sean. I'm not here for small talk. I want you to stay away from Mike."

Sean's brows furrow in confusion. "Why do I need to stay away from Mike?"

"Because I'm telling you to. How long did you even wait once I was out of the picture until you started trying to make a move on him?"

"Okay, I'm a little confused. I don't know where this is coming from, but I never tried to make a move on him. I only ever tried to help, both him and you."

"You're so full of shit."

"I'm not, Harvey. He came to me when you went missing and I did whatever I could to help."

Harvey rolls his eyes. "How noble of you."

"I'm still willing to help. I have connections to people that can help you and keep you safe."

"If they're as good at keeping me safe as you are at finding me, I might as well just put a bullet between my eyes. You had seven months and you couldn't find shit. Seven fucking months."

"I know. And I am truly sorry about that. But at least I tried. Where was everybody else? Jessica? Donna? Louis? Seems like nobody even gave a shit that you were gone, so maybe you should appreciate the few who actually did."

The corners of Harvey's mouth turn downward. "Fuck you."

Sean knows he shouldn't have said that and he wants to take it back, but it already felt too late once the words came out of his mouth and Harvey doesn't look like he's in the mood to accept an apology.

"Stay away from Mike," Harvey warns again.

"He's the one that always comes to me. I've never once gone to him first. Not that any of this shit matters, because we're just friends and all he wants is for you to get help, Harvey."

"Just shut-up. You don't know anything."

Harvey takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down, but Sean won't stop talking.

"Seems he doesn't know too much either because you constantly shut him out. You need to talk to him. Or someone. Anyone."

"I said shut-up!"

"Go to the police. It's not too late. The longer you put it off, the harder it's going to be. And not to mention how irresponsible you're being. You might be okay with putting your own life in jeopardy, but what about Mike's? His blood is going to eventually be on your hands. Is that really what you want?"

Sean doesn't even have time to process anything or react at all before Harvey launches himself at him and connects to his left eye with a heavy right fist. The force knocks his chair backward and he almost spills onto the floor but manages to catch his balance at the last second and spring back up onto his feet. He shoves Harvey backward and away from him as hard as he can.

"You're fucking losing it, Harvey. You need serious help!" Sean yells at him.

"Stay the fuck away from Mike. I'm not telling you again," he shouts one last time, before storming out of the office.


	23. Chapter 23

The place looks dark when Mike first enters and he wonders if Harvey even came home yet. 

"Harvey?" he calls out.

"I'm in here," the voice calls back.

He notices a delicious aroma wafting through the air and the smell intensifies the closer he walks towards the kitchen. 

There's a bouquet of fresh, brightly-colored flowers on the table and a lit candle next to it. Harvey has the oven door open but Mike can't quite see what he's doing.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"I'm making you dinner," Harvey says as he pulls a tray from the oven and places it on the stovetop.

Mike shifts where he's standing so he can see what Harvey made. "Is that macaroni and cheese?"

"Sure is."

"Wow, it looks great. No wonder it smells so good in here."

"Those flowers are for you, by the way."

"What for?"

"Just thought you deserved something nice."

Mike walks over and smells them. They smell divine. 

"Why don't you sit down while I finish up here?"

Mike sits down and watches Harvey go back and forth in the kitchen, grabbing plates and adding the finishing touches to his meal before serving them both up a plate, and pouring a glass of wine to go with the food. 

Mike observes the plate in front of him. There's some kind of chicken, Harvey explains to him that it's glazed honey balsamic. Whatever that means.

"And what about this? Is that just for decoration or?" Mike asks jokingly, pointing to the roasted broccoli next to it.

Harvey rolls his eyes.

"Seriously, Harvey, this all looks incredible. You didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"It wasn't any trouble, and as I said, you deserve something nice."

Mike picks up his fork, and as Harvey figured he would, goes straight for the mac and cheese. He takes a big bite.

Harvey watches intently the way he always does when he's cooked something for Mike and is waiting for his critique. 

Mike finishes chewing and swallows it. 

"Well?" Harvey asks.

"Let me get this straight," Mike starts, "you've known how to make this all these years we've known each other and you have never once made this for me before? You realize that's grounds for a lawsuit, right?"

"A lawsuit, huh? Is that something you learned at Harvard?"

"You mean you didn't?"

"I must have missed that class."

They both enjoy their meal while chatting. Harvey seems like he's in a really good mood which is a complete 180 from how he had been when he left this morning. Mike wonders if it's a cause for concern, but realizes he's probably being paranoid, and that maybe him going to the gym to blow off steam might have been just what he had needed. 

By the time they finish dinner, they both are stuffed and have a slight buzz going on from the wine they'd been drinking throughout the meal.

Mike offers to clean up, and Harvey all but forbids him to do so, shooing him out of the kitchen so he could do it himself.

Mike reluctantly leaves, but not before scooping up their wine glasses and the bottle and exiting with them, Harvey giving him an approving nod on the way out. 

It's about a half-hour later when Harvey finally emerges back from the kitchen. He sits down next to Mike and Mike looks at him and smiles warmly, his cheeks slightly flush from the alcohol, which in turn made his eyes look brighter than usual. 

"Hey," Mike greets softly. "I was thinking maybe we could--"

Harvey kisses him mid-sentence, catching him off guard. It's soft at first, a mere brushing of their lips together. Mike pulls away just enough for his eyes to flicker up to meet Harvey's, making sure it wasn't some impulsive decision that he wanted to take back.

Harvey slides his hand up to Mike's neck and guides him back to his mouth, their lips crashing once more. This time, while still gentle, there's now a neediness to it now that makes Mike moan into it, his tongue darting out and touching Harvey's as he deepens the kiss.

Mike lets Harvey have complete control of his mouth and Harvey takes full advantage of it, kissing him until he almost feels breathless.

Harvey moves his mouth and kisses along the edge of his jawline and then down his neck, the heat of his mouth sending a shiver down Mike's spine. He works his way back up before reaching down and taking Mike's hand in his. 

"Follow me," he says as he gets up off the couch.

He leads Mike back into the bedroom and stops just before they reach the bed. He tugs the waistband of Mike's pants, pulling him in closer, before reaching up to carefully unbutton each button of his shirt.

"Harvey, are you--" Mike starts to say.

Harvey stops what he's doing and steals the question from Mike's mouth with a kiss, before going back to undo the last remaining buttons.

"Kiss me," Harvey whispers against Mike's ear.

Mike softly cradles the back of Harvey's head and brings his lips forward to meet his. Harvey opens his mouth invitingly and Mike curls Harvey's tongue around his own and drags it into his mouth.

Mike reaches down and grips the fabric at the bottom of Harvey's shirt. He starts to pull it up and is met with resistance. He doesn't realize it's Harvey stopping him until he tries it a second time.

"Do you not want me to do that?"

"No, it's okay."

"Are you sure?"

Harvey shoves Mike's hands out of the way and takes the shirt off himself, tossing it to the side. 

Mike immediately notices scars scattered up and down his torso. He tries not to think too much about how they got there, and just focus on being in the moment.

He places a hand on Harvey's chest and guides him back towards the bed. Harvey climbs onto it and lays down and Mike isn't far behind, climbing on him and straddling him.

Mike leans down and starts kissing Harvey's neck slowly, his lips roaming over his warm skin. Harvey gasps and Mike continues, working his way down stopping to place small love-bites on his collarbone.

"I want you to," Harvey starts to say and is cut off by Mike's mouth suddenly back on his. 

"What do you want, Harvey?" Mike asks, his voice low and raspy.

Harvey reaches for Mike's belt buckle and starts to undo it. Mike helps the rest of the way, by unbuttoning his pants and unzipping them.

The sound of the zipper feels like it's echoing in Harvey's ears. He flashes back to being tied to the bed and Luke standing over him.

He squeezes his eyes shut and focus on steadying his breathing and he's able to calm himself back down relatively quickly.

With his pants halfway undone, Mike reaches for Harvey's and undoes his next. He carefully strips them from his body and tosses them on the floor behind him.

He sees more scars on Harvey's legs. Near his thighs, it almost looks like it could have possibly been burns caused by cigarettes. Mike can't stand to look at them long enough to be sure though. He just knows it makes him nauseous and it's too hard to just pretend he doesn't see what he sees for a second time and he needs a breather to be able to collect himself.

"I'll be right back," Mike explains, before gently pressing a kiss on Harvey's forehead and climbing down off of him and the bed.

Mike goes into the bathroom, turns the faucet on and splashes cold water in his face.

He takes a few deep breaths, but none of them offer him the amount of air he needs to not make his chest feel so excruciatingly heavy. 

When he goes back into the bedroom, he sees Harvey sitting at the end of the bed, his chin resting in his hands, knee-bouncing looking rather anxious.

"Is everything okay?" Mike asks.

"The scars freaked you out, right? I should have told you before any of this. I messed up, but it's okay, I can make it up to you."

"You didn't mess up. It caught me off-guard and made a little...overwhelmed. But that's not your fault. That's on me, not you."

"Just let me. Please," Harvey says as he drops down on his knees, positioning himself in front of Mike and reaching up to tug at Mike's already unbuttoned pants.

Mike grabs Harvey's hands and gently pushes them away. "Harvey, stop. You don't need to do that."

"But I want to."

"Come on, get up. Here," Mike says, holding out his hand for Harvey to take.

Harvey swats his hand away and pulls himself off of the floor by himself. 

"Luke would have let me," he says almost bitterly as he starts walking away.

"He would have let you or he would have _made_ you?"

Harvey's footsteps catch when he hears the words, just enough for Mike to notice it, but he doesn't turn around or acknowledge the comment, but rather continues into the bathroom, slamming the door shut for good measure. 

-

It's nearly an hour before Harvey comes back out of the bathroom. 

He peaks his head into the bedroom to make sure Mike is still there, which he is, before taking a few more steps into the room to make his appearance known.

"Hey. Can we talk?" Harvey asks.

Mike _always_ wants to talk so Harvey doesn't wait for an answer before he climbs up in the bed and positions himself next to Mike. 

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"So am I."

"Any chance we just...pretend it never happened?"

"I don't think pretending things never happened has been doing us any good lately," Mike points out.

"I know. But how about just for tonight?"

"Okay, but if we pretend for tonight, does that mean you'll be willing to talk to me about some things tomorrow? And I mean _really_ talk this time, I don't want bullshit non-answers and I don't know's from you."

"Quid pro quo. Okay, deal."

"Good.

Harvey fluffs a pillow behind him and lays back on it. 

"You tired? Because I can leave so you can have the bed if you are."

"Can you just stay and sleep here with me tonight?"

Mike would never be able to say no to a request like that. He adjusts the pillows behind him and turns on the tv. It's mostly for the white noise because neither one of them pays much attention to it at all.  


Harvey at some point drapes an arm over Mike and cuddles up against his back, his head resting on Mike's shoulder. Mike takes the arm that's draped over him and pulls it up against his chest, making him feel both warm and comforted.

It doesn't take long for either one of them to drift asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

Harvey pretends to still be sleeping when Mike untangles their limbs so he can get out of bed. He hears his shower and gets dressed and he can smell the coffee starting to permeate throughout the house.  


He lays in bed as long as possible, already keen on delaying the conversation he had promised Mike last night.

Eventually, Mike comes back in the room to check on him, Harvey taking it as his cue to drag himself from beneath the covers. 

He decides to take a shower, not that he particularly feels like it, but because it's another way of delaying the inevitable. 

Mike wants answers, but he doesn't want to have to ask them. He doesn't want to make Harvey uncomfortable and he doesn't want it to turn into a fight, but he's expecting it will. Then again, a lot of things turn into a fight these days, but at least if he can get some information out of Harvey before the fight happens it will have a purpose to it. 

While Harvey's showering Mike decides to call Sean hoping he could maybe give him advice or even just offer moral advice. It goes straight to voicemail.

_Hey Sean, it's Mike. I was hoping I'd be able to talk to you about something, but uh, I guess you're not around. Can you give me a call back when you get this? Thanks._

Harvey appears not long after Mike hangs up the phone. 

"Good morning," Mike says before checking his watch. "Or I guess afternoon would be more appropriate. I'm glad you were able to get some sleep."

"Me too."

"Do you want me to make you something to eat?" Mike asks.

"I'm not hungry. Are you going to work?" Harvey asks, realizing Mike is in his suit.

"Louis needs my help with something, so I told him I'd swing by for a little bit. It should only be a couple of hours at most. Do you want to come?"

"No."

"You haven't been in a while," Mike points out.

"I'm not in the right headspace for all of that."

"You'll get there eventually," he assures.

Harvey huffs, clearly skeptical of it.

Mike checks his watch. "My ride should be here any minute, so I'm going to head down to wait. If you need anything, I'll have my phone on so text or call. Okay?"

"Yeah."

Mike says goodbye and heads out the door and Harvey is relieved that he has a few more hours. 

Though, the relief seems all for naught because that seems to be the only thing that he can think about. He wonders what kind of questions Mike has planned for him. He knows there's no way he can go into this being fully honest, it just can't happen. He also knows he has to give him enough truth to satisfy him so he'll quit asking things. 

Harvey pours himself a drink and continues mulling it over.

-

He had kept drinking in an attempt to calm his nerves but it ended up having the opposite effect. He found himself pacing back and forth, his thoughts frantic, and not knowing how to stop them. Every scenario in his head was a worst-case scenario. 

He takes his phone out of his pocket and immediately puts it back in. It was a dumb idea, and he feels guilty that the thought had even crossed his mind.

He downs what's left in his glass and pours another, his hands shaking as he fills the glass.

He leans back against the couch and takes a long sip before placing it back down on the table.

He pulls out his phone again and keys in the number, but lets his finger linger over dial until the numbers on the screen become a blur.

He presses dial. 

It rings and he almost hangs up. He should hang up. It rings a second time.

"Harvey?" the voice answers.

There's a long pause.

"Yeah," Harvey finally says.

"You're not supposed to call this number."

"I know...but I needed somebody to talk to."

"Tell me what's on your mind," Luke replies, his grin almost audible over the phone.

\-----

It's dark in the apartment when Mike gets home, the same way it was yesterday when he'd come back to discover Harvey busy in the kitchen cooking a meal. Except for this time, the kitchen is also dim and there's no meal being cooked and the smell of food has been replaced with the smell of alcohol. Harvey is sitting at the table, mindlessly circling the rim of his near-empty glass with his finger. 

"Everything okay?" Mike asks cautiously.

"Yeah," he says after a beat.

"What are you doing sitting in the dark?"

Harvey doesn't answer. Mike walks over and flips the light switch on. He stands by it for a second to see if Harvey would offer any objections. He doesn't. 

"Did you eat anything today or just drink?"

"I'm not hungry."

Harvey has yet to divert his attention away from the glass sitting in front of him.

"Oh, I have to share this with you. Guess who we were finally able to sign as a client today?"

Harvey looks up at him but doesn't say anything.

"Davis Enterprises," Mike answers excitedly.

"Good."

"Good? That's it?"

"What do you want, Mike? A fucking parade? You did your job and signed a client, congratulations."

"You're being an asshole."

"And you're just trying to butter me up with good news, so you can ease me into your interrogation." 

Mike's not sure why the realization didn't hit him as soon as he walked through the door. The drinking, the misplaced anger, all of it is because he wants to question him. Picking a fight is Harvey's way of trying to get out of it. 

"First of all, that is not why I was sharing that news. I was sharing it because I thought you might be happy about it, or at the very least, happy for me. Secondly, I do not want to interrogate you, I want to have a conversation with you."

Harvey doesn't necessarily see the difference between the two.

"Let's just get this over with. What do you want to know?"

Mike takes a deep breath, there's so much he wants to know, but he's fully aware that Harvey isn't going to answer just anything. He has to be sure that the questions he asks are ones that Harvey will feel safe enough to answer.

"I guess my first question is why? Why did he pick you? Surely that's something you asked, right?"

\-----

_Why are you doing this to me?_

It was one of the first questions out of his mouth, and it was the one that sat on the tip of his tongue and at the forefront of his mind, always ready to be asked.

 _Why me?_  
Luke ignored it for a while. And then other times he claimed there was no reason. 

_Why? Why? Why?_

Harvey had asked it after he'd had the shit kicked out of him, the question flowing out of his mouth along with blood from fresh wounds. He'd asked it between the gasps for air when Luke would wrap his hands around his neck and tighten his grip until Harvey saw black. He'd whimper the question inaudibly when Luke had his face buried in the mattress, his weight pinning him down.

Eventually, Harvey stops asking.

It's not long after that Luke drags a chair in front of, sitting down on it, and leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

He doesn't say anything for a long while and Harvey wonders what he has in store for him.

"I had a friend that came to your firm once in need of legal help. They told me they had a consult with Harvey Specter and they were so sure that was going to end up being the light at the end of the tunnel they needed. I didn't hear from them for weeks after that. Turns out, their case wasn't something that would be profitable enough for the firm. Of course, that's not how it was specifically phrased but the sentiment was all the same."

Luke scrubs a hand over his face and continues.

"He ended up losing everything, while I'm sure you never lost a fucking ounce of sleep over it. I tried to help them. Many times. They just...could not ever come back. It ended with them sticking a gun in their mouth. I happened to have a front-row seat to that."

It's the most vulnerable Luke has ever been around him and he suddenly is extremely conflicted about what he's supposed to be feeling right now.

"I'm sorry," he offers. "But I'm not the only lawyer around. You can't blame me for what happened to them."

"I don't blame you. I'm just telling you this because that's the thing that put you on my radar. I did my homework on you after that. Extensively. Found out all about your dead dad, your mommy issues, the long list of people you fucked over to be able to deem yourself the best closer in New York. I even went to a few of your court cases, just to see the great Harvey Specter in action. The way you commandeered a courtroom was truly a thing of beauty. All strength and confidence."

Luke leans forward and places his hand under Harvey's chin, and proceeds to tilt it up so that their eyes met. "There was just _something_ about you that made me want you. More specifically there was something about you that made me want to break you."

Harvey pulls his head away and Luke sits back in his chair.

"I thought about taking the kid first," he says.

Harvey's eyes widen and his head jerks up to look at him. "What?" 

"The kid. Mike Ross. It didn't take a whole lot of research to find out that you had a serious _thing_ for him. So, I thought about taking him as my way of breaking you. How far would you go to save him? What kind of person would that turn you into? You know, that kind of thing."

"What stopped you?" Harvey asks. The question makes him feel sick. He doesn't want Luke to imply he's asking it because he would have preferred he'd taken Mike. 

"I guess the short answer is that he didn't deserve it. You do."

"I'm here because I deserve it?" Harvey says. It's meant to be a question, but it ends up coming out sounding more like a realization of sorts. 

"You don't think you do?"

Harvey doesn't answer. 

\-----

"He never really gave a reason, just always said that he wanted to break me and that I was there because I deserved to be," Harvey explains, opting to leave out just about everything else. And especially leaving the part where Luke had considered abducting Mike as a means of getting to him. He would take that information to the grave with him.

"Really? That's all he said?"

"Pretty much. I mean he told me he had shown up to a few of my court cases just to watch but who knows if that's even true."

"Hmmm," Mike hums.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harvey asks defensively.

"Nothing. I'm just thinking, is all."

"This isn't some mystery for you to figure out, Mike. Just ask your questions."

"Sorry. I guess my next question is, how'd he get the cameras in your condo?"

"I don't know, he never told me. I don't know how long they were there for either. He would just tell me it was long enough to find out everything he needed to know, and then some when I asked. I know they had to have been there at least two weeks or so before we had that fight because I recall him knowing about some of the things that had happened around that time."

Mike's trying not to get frustrated with the direction this conversation seems to be taking considering the lack of answers this early on. He had the idea of coming into this and being careful not to push Harvey and keep him comfortable, but he's starting to want to push him a bit.

"You talked about having a deal with him, the cameras being part of it. You clearly broke part of the deal by moving us here, and if not then, you definitely broke the deal by smashing his cameras, so what happens?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are the consequences? Are you in danger? Are _we_ in danger?"

"I told you he wouldn't hurt you."

"What about you? Has he been in contact with you?"

Harvey swallows nervously and tries to avoid the question. "He's not going to hurt me."

"Has he been in contact with you?" Mike repeats, his voice is more forceful this time.

"Just on the phone."

Mike shakes his head in disbelief. "Jesus. You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"You don't understand."

"No, you're right, I don't. At all. Look at your scars, Harvey. Think about the goddamn nightmares you have nearly every night. All the panic attacks. The way you recoil when I accidentally touch you unexpectedly. _He_ did that to you and you seem perfectly okay with keeping in touch with him like he's your best friend."

"I know how it sounds. But it's just... he isn't _all_ bad. He was good to me too, Mike."

Mike has always tried his best to keep his own emotions in check when dealing with Harvey, but hearing those words come out of his mouth instantly puts a lump in his throat.

It's not even so much that he says it, as awful as that is, it's the fact that he says it like he believes it that really gets to him.

" _Good_ to you? How can you say that? He kept you _tied up_ in a _basement_! For _seven fucking months_!" Mike yells, pounding his fist on the table out of frustration. 

Harvey places his elbows on the table and covers his face with his hands. He takes a deep breath in and slowly pushes it out.

There's a long drawn out silence before he speaks again. Mike can see a few tears escape from beneath Harvey's hands.

"There's something wrong with me," Harvey finally says, his voice soft and laden with sadness.

"Harvey--" Mike starts.

"Mike, don't. Don't tell me there's nothing wrong with me," Harvey stops him. "The way I feel. The thoughts I have. The choices I've been making. Something's...not right. I'm...I don't know, I almost feel like I'm losing my mind."

"You've been through a lot," Mike says. 

He wants to bring up the idea of getting help, but he's hesitant to because of the visceral reaction Harvey always seems to have to it. He ultimately decides against it. At least for now.

Harvey sighs wearily and wipes his eyes with his sleeve.

"Oh well, it could be worse, I guess. Do you have anything else to ask me, because if not, I'd like to go lay down."

Mike hasn't even begun to scrape the surface of the things he wants to ask Harvey, in fact, he thinks he actually has _more_ questions now than he did when they started, but he's willing to let it go for now.

"I still have things I want to know, but its nothing that can't wait until after you've gotten some sleep."

"Okay," Harvey says before getting up from the table, sliding his chair back and heading towards the bedroom.

"Hey, Harvey?" Mike calls to him.

Harvey spins around and looks back at Mike. "Yeah?"

"You don't have to answer this, but I want you to think about it. If Luke had done the same things he did to you, to me instead, would those parts where you think he was good to you still exist?"

Harvey seems to contemplate the question momentarily, before abruptly turning back around and leaving without saying a word.


	25. Chapter 25

Mike doesn't see Harvey until the next morning, and only because he goes into the bedroom to check on him. 

Harvey is still laying in bed, on top of the covers, wearing the same clothes he had been wearing the day prior. 

"Hey. Everything okay?"

Harvey doesn't answer. 

"I'm getting ready to head to work. Do you need anything?"

He still doesn't answer.

"Okay. Good talk. I guess I'll see you when I get home."

Still no response.

Mike sighs in frustration and leaves the room. He grabs his messenger bag from the table, throws it over his shoulder, and heads out the door. 

-

Mike sends Sean a text while he's in the car on his way to the office, and sticks his phone back in his pocket. He has texted him a few times now with no response, but he figures he just got busy or is tired of having him dump everything on him. 

Once he gets to work he goes to Harvey's office. His own office had needed a vent fixed a few weeks ago, and they asked him if he could relocate for the day, so using Harvey's office had been a no-brainer. It had felt comforting to work there, so he had continued to keep working from it long after he could have gone back to his own office.

Today, however, that comfort is nowhere to be seen and it just feels suffocating being in this place without him. Mike understands Harvey's reasons for not wanting to be back, but it doesn't make him hate it any less. 

He tries hard to focus on work, but he just can't seem to manage today. There's too much on his mind, and he wants a drink. Or to get high. Something to help him escape. 

He checks his phone and doesn't see any new messages. He calls Sean's office and asks if he's in. They say he's out of the office for the day, and ask if he wants to leave a message. Mike declines. He figures he'll just drive to his place instead. 

-

Mike knocks on the door and waits.

He hears footsteps approaching.

"What do you want, Mike?" Sean asks through the door.

"For you to open the door for starters."

"You need to go home."

"Come on, Sean. I came out here to see you, open the door."

Mike hears the door unlock and crack open slightly. Mike shoves it open the rest of the way and sees Sean's back nearly down the hallway by the time he takes his first step inside. 

Mike hurries to catch up to him.

Sean is standing in the kitchen, reaching into the cabinet to put dishes away.

"Why haven't you been answering my texts?"

"I've been busy," he says as he neatly stacks plates into a pile.

"Busy, huh? Because it kind of feels like you've been ignoring me."

Sean turns around and looks at Mike. "I wasn't given much of a choice."

"Shit. What happened to you?" Mike asks, worriedly looking at Sean's black and blue eye.

"Harvey happened to me."

"What?"

"He came into my office, told me to stay away from you, and then attacked me," Sean explains.

"Why?"

"Because he's fucking unstable, for starters."

"He's not unstable, Sean," Mike says defensively, "he's traumatized."

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing he's getting the proper help he needs," Sean remarks sarcastically.

"You know what? I'm not doing this with you. It's bad enough that Harvey seems to blame me for everything, I don't need you doing it to me too."

Mike turns on his heel and starts heading back to the front door.

"Mike, wait!"

"Why?" Mike asks, hand firmly grasping the doorknob.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to blame you for anything. Don't leave."

Mike let's go of the doorknob and walks back inside to where Sean is. Sean gestures for him to sit, while he goes to the fridge and grabs out two beers. He twists the cap off the first one and holds it out to Mike. 

"Thanks," Mike says as he takes it from his hand.

"I worry about you," Sean says as he twists the cap off of his beer. "And Harvey."

"So do I. I felt like I was making progress last night, he answered a few of my questions, but then this morning he gave me the silent treatment."

"What kind of questions did you ask?"

"Ones I wish I could forget the answers to." Mike brings the bottle to his lips and takes a long sip. "He tried to tell me that Luke wasn't all bad. The guy _tortured_ him and yet he talks about him like he's some ex-boyfriend that I feel like I'm suddenly stuck living in the shadows of."

"I'm sorry, Mike. You're doing good by getting him to talk, even if the answers are hard for you to hear. Just keep pressing him, he'll eventually give us something we can use to hopefully track this guy down."

Mike fidgets with the beer bottle in front of him while spacing out on the tile that sits beneath it. "Actually..."

"Actually what?"

"He told me he's been in contact with him. They've talked on the phone. He told me it was only once, but I don't believe that."

"You don't believe that they've only talked once or that it's only been over the phone?"

Mike's eyes dart to Sean. "What?"

"Do you think they've seen each other since Harvey's been back?"

Mike is immediately offended by the implication. "No, of course not!"

Sean shoots Mike a look. 

"He wouldn't," Mike denies again.

It's something Mike's never considered. Not even once. There was no reason for him to consider it because Harvey wouldn't do something like that. But then again, Harvey hasn't been Harvey. And these days Harvey's lies roll off his tongue the same way the truth used to. 

"You know what? I should probably get going," Mike says as he gets up from the chair.

"I wasn't trying to upset you by suggesting that, Mike," Sean explains.

"I'm not upset. I promise. I just need to go. Thanks for the beer. And the talk."

"Let me walk you to the door."

Sean moves out from behind the counter and walks with Mike to the door. Mike opens it and steps out before turning around to face Sean again.

"Hey, Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for dragging you into all of this."

"You didn't drag me anywhere, I want to be able to help. It's okay."

It wasn't, but Mike forced a smile at him anyway before leaving.

\-----

He doesn't go straight home, instead, he stops at a bar on the way back and orders a drink, which then becomes two, which then becomes several hours later and he can't remember where he'd stop counting.

That was the whole point though. To forget. But it's only ever temporary. His goddamn memory can never fully let him forget anything. 

He checks his watch, which leads him to check his phone. It's late. He has missed calls from Harvey. He doesn't call him back, instead, he gets a cab to take him the rest of the way home.

Once back he notices the front door isn't locked, which strikes him as odd just because it's so ingrained in both him and Harvey to always lock it before they leave. He shrugs it off. 

"Where were you?" Harvey asks as soon as he walks in.

"Oh, you're actually talking to me now?"

"You were with him, weren't you?"

The room feels like it's spinning, so Mike finds the seat closest to him and sits down before he loses his balance. "What are you talking about now?"

"You were with Sean."

"For a little bit. I had to check on him since he wasn't answering my calls or texts anymore. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"I want you to stay away from him."

Mike laughs bitterly. "You've got a lot of fucking nerve asking me to stay away from anybody."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When's the last time you saw Luke?"

"When I went to my place."

Mike was expecting him to outright deny it and a small part of him was hoping that it wasn't true at all. He feels sucker-punched by the admission and how easily it had come. 

"So, he's the one that did _that_ to you?" Mike asks, pointing at Harvey's arm.

Harvey shakes his head 'yes'.

Mike stands up from his chair and starts to pace a little. "How many times have you seen him?"

"A couple," Harvey admits.

"Oh my god," Mike says under his breath. "Does he know where we live?"

"Of course. He's not stupid."

"And somehow it never crossed your mind to tell me any of this?" 

Mike can feel himself gradually getting angrier and angrier with each response Harvey gives, and maybe that's Harvey's plan all along; to piss him off. 

"No, I didn't. Because there's nothing you can do with the information. I told you, he's not going to hurt you. Or me."

"He just told me that he cut your fucking arm!" Mike shouts.

"That was...different."

"Why? Because you _deserved_ it? Like you seem to think you deserved everything else?"

"Just shut-up, Mike. You don't know anything."

"Because you won't ever tell me shit!"

Harvey takes a deep breath and pushes it out slowly. "Okay. Sit down. _Now_."

Mike instantly sits down on the couch next to where Harvey is. 

There's a long silence as Harvey tries to decide if he is even capable of telling Mike anything. He already starts to feel choked up and he hasn't even begun.

"Do you care if I get a drink first?" he asks. He wishes he would have started drinking hours ago, so this would be easier.

"No, go ahead."

Harvey gets up and walks into the kitchen. He grabs the first bottle he sees, twists the cap off and drinks straight from the bottle. He gets a glass out of the cupboard and pours some in. He hesitates a long while before going back in and rejoining Mike. 

He takes a sip from his glass before putting it down. Mike notices his hand is shaking. 

"I tried to escape," he starts. He lets those words linger in the air, knowing it's his last chance to turn back and not have this conversation with Mike. 

"At the beginning. Every time even the slightest window of opportunity was there, I took it. I really tried. But, he kept me pretty drugged up, so I was always slower and weaker. Every time he'd stop me it just seemed easier and easier for him and worse for me. He'd punch me, kick me, slam my head against the stairs until my vision went black and I'd wake up tied up again. But I tried, Mike. I did. I want you to know that."

Harvey pauses to take a sip from his drink before continuing.

"There would be days when he wouldn't come down at all. I would just be all alone, tied up in the dark and cold. Usually dealing with pain so bad it kept me awake, so I couldn't even sleep to make the time go by faster. It started to feel like a relief when I'd see him coming back down. It made want to do whatever I needed, or rather be as obedient as he needed just so he wouldn't leave me alone like that again. And it worked. He'd come down every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and we would do nothing but talk for hours. He told me his life story, I told him mine. In some weird way, it felt like we were bonding. And then there were the other times. Times when that person I talked to for hours was suddenly gone and had been replaced by someone whose sole mission was to make my life a living hell." 

Mike is completely quiet and Harvey wants to look at him to gauge his reaction, but he knows if he looks at him he's likely to start crying, so he continues to focus on a random spot in front of him until it blurs and keep going.

"He would dump ice cold water on me, then leave. He had a lighter he'd hold to my skin to see how long I could last before I had to beg him to stop. He'd choke me until it still hurt to speak days later and beat me for not being able to verbalize things the way he wanted. He was always drugging me. Open your mouth. Give me your arm. I'd drift in and out for what had to be days at a time. And most of the time I was thankful for that part. I even asked him for it sometimes."

Harvey swallows hard and picks up his glass, downing about half of what's left in one go. His hand is shaking hard enough now that when he sits the glass down, it clinks hard against the glass table, and the whiskey splashes out over the rim. 

"It was awhile in before he ever did anything sexual to me. Then one night, he came down completely plastered and forced his dick in my mouth." Harvey talks around the lump in his throat. "After that, I guess...I guess it didn't matter anymore.

"He had this mattress in a different room. I just woke up there one day. He told me he had given me something to help me relax. My hands were already tied. He pulled my pants off. I can still hear his zipper," Harvey says, his voice shaking. "I didn't even fight back. I don't even think I ever said no or told him to stop."

Harvey buries his head in his hands, as hot, wet tears begin to stream down his face. Mike reaches his hand over and attempts to lay it on top of his. Harvey jerks his hand away. He doesn't even want to look at Mike right now, let alone be comforted by him. He wants to finish telling him what happened. That was what he had wanted, after all. 

It takes Harvey awhile to start again, but he eventually manages to. 

"That became his new favorite thing to do with me. But I learned if I just went along with it or even if I suggested it first, he wouldn't be as rough with me. He wouldn't choke me, or hit me or burn me, and when he was doing it, I could just lay there and disappear. I would go somewhere else entirely in my head."

Harvey was practically sobbing through the words now, not even bothering to wipe away the tears anymore. 

"You know, you were always there. That place in my head I went. It didn't matter where we were, sometimes it was my office, other times an empty ballpark, it just didn't matter. All that mattered is that I, _we_ were _happy_. I think that alone pulled me through on some of my hardest days."

Harvey finally turns to look at Mike. He almost looks like he's more of a mess than he is, which is saying something. His eyes are red and both his face and shirt are stained with tears. He quickly tries to wipe away tears as if it makes any difference. 

"Harvey--"

"Not yet, Mike. Okay?"

Mike nods.

"I think Luke kind of became both the poison and the anecdote for me. He'd punch me, then hand me an ice pack and some Tylenol. He'd cut me, then stitch me up. Kick the shit out of me then run a hot bath. I know it's fucked up and I sound crazy. I _know_ that. And maybe I am, but I still feel like I owe him, because I don't know if I survive all the awful shit there, without that little bit of good."

Harvey picks up and finishes the rest of his drink. "And not to mention, he let me go," he adds.

"Did he though? Because to me, it seems like he just untied one set of ropes and attached another."

"Yeah, well, maybe. But I'm going to handle it. I just need you to trust me. The way you used to, back when we first met. Before I gave you every reason not to."

"Oh, Harvey," Mike says softly.

"It's okay if you can't. I understand."

"I trust you."

He is positive that he's only saying it to appease him, but he's desperate enough to hear it that just the sound of it feels like enough.

"If it's okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. I can't. I just want some sleep now."

"Okay. I understand."

Harvey nods appreciatively before getting up to walk towards the bedroom. "Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you sleep in the bedroom with me tonight?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"It's what I need."

They both get changed and crawl under the covers together. Harvey falls asleep fast, which is rare. Mike ends up with Harvey's arm stretched over his chest, and he's pretty sure it's Harvey's way of making sure he's still there. 

Mike, however, is wide awake, unable to shake everything that Harvey had told him and imagining all the things he couldn't. He eventually has to slide himself out from under Harvey's arm, so he can run into the bathroom. He turns both the fan and the sink on just so he's able to drown out the sound of his full-fledged sobbing.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i still making sense? i don't know, i write these things on zero sleep at 4 am because it's the only free time i have BUT really i just wanted to say thanks to anybody whose left kudos/comments and is still sticking with it! props!

Harvey wakes up with his arms wrapped tightly around Mike's chest, and his head nestled comfortably into the crook of his neck. Mike is still sleeping, and Harvey does his best to not move, wanting to prolong the moment just a little longer.

Mike shifts a few times but doesn't wake up. But that means Harvey probably doesn't have much time before he does wake up. He frees an arm and checks his watch.

He should probably get going. 

He carefully frees himself from Mike, slowly rolls out of bed, grabs his cellphone from the nightstand, and moves quietly out of the room. 

He grabs something from the pile of laundry he had folded but never got around to putting away and throws it on. He stops in the bathroom for a quick mirror check, and it's just that, quick. His hair is too long, his beard is too long, and he looks like he hasn't slept in a week despite actually getting a decent night of sleep last night. 

Running a comb through his hair a few times and brushing his teeth is about all the effort he cares to put into his appearance right now.

He scribbles a note for Mike saying that he'd just gone to the gym and that he'd be home soon. Harvey is no stranger to lying to Mike, he does it all the time, but the guilt of lying to him after having been so open and honest with him last night sits particularly heavy in his chest.

Once he's outside, and several blocks away from the apartment, he takes out his phone and dials.

There's no long exchange of words, just Harvey giving his location and telling him that he's ready. He hangs up and he waits.

There had been sunlight peeking through the curtains while he was in bed with Mike, but it's since been replaced by dark grey skies and the smell of rain in the air. Somehow it seems more fitting. 

After some time, a car pulls up alongside where Harvey has been standing. The windows are tinted so that nothing inside can be seen, but Harvey knows it's him. A moment later the passenger side door slowly swings open. Harvey climbs inside. 

"Didn't expect to get a call from you this early."

"Sorry. I needed to get away without having to answer any questions."

"Smart move. And put your seatbelt on," Luke says.

Harvey reaches over and stretches the seatbelt across him. "Where are we going?"

"It's a little bit of a drive, but it shouldn't take very long. If you're tired you can close your eyes and I'll let you know when we're there."

"No, it's all right. I slept some last night so I should be okay."

"No nightmares?"

"Not last night. But I drank before bed, I think that probably helped."

"Good."

Harvey rests his head against the back of the seat and takes in his surroundings. The ride is mostly quiet, outside of the sound of rain hitting the windshield and the low hum of the radio that's volume is turned just loud enough to notice it's on, but not loud enough to be able to make out any of the music that's playing.

Every once in awhile Luke will glance over at Harvey and Harvey will pretend he doesn't see him doing it.

-

They eventually make a blink-and-you'll-miss-it turn that takes them onto a dirt path leading to a wooded area. There's a small cabin ahead. 

Luke pulls up to it and shuts off the ignition. 

"Here we are," he announces. 

"What is this place?"

"You said you wanted a private place to talk, it doesn't get much more private than this. Get out."

Luke unbuckles and gets out of the car and starts walking towards the cabin. Harvey hesitates before slowly unbuckling himself and opening his door. He trails behind Luke until they meet at the front door.  


He jingles his keys to find the right one and unlocks the door, stepping back to let Harvey go in first. Harvey walks in and he hears the door pull shut behind him and the lock slide across, and he hasn't been particularly nervous until he hears that. The voice that should have been screaming in his head that this is a terrible idea from the start has been alarmingly quiet as of late and is doing him no favors.

Luke walks around, flipping some light switches on and opening curtains. He notices Harvey with his hands tucked deep in the pockets of his coat. "Are you cold?"

"A little."

Luke walks over to the thermostat and it beeps a few times as he adjusts it. "There. It should warm up in a little bit. Why don't you sit down? Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Suit yourself," Luke says as he walks over to the cabinet in the corner and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He grabs a glass out of the cabinet next to it, twists the cap off, and fills it halfway.

Harvey sits down on the edge of the sofa, unrelaxed and ready to run if need be.

Luke paces in front of him, too close for comfort, seemingly eyeing him up and down. He takes a sip from his glass and winces at the burn as it goes down.

"What's going on with you, Harvey?"

"What do you mean?"

"The phone call, wanting to see me, and have the meeting be someplace not in public. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that, but it's all a bit sudden and out of character for you. So tell me, what's going on?"

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"This. Whatever _this_ even is. I don't want to have to answer your calls or texts, I don't want to have to meet up with you anymore. I don't want to have to keep lying to Mike."

Luke immediately goes on the offensive.

"So, what? I just disappear and you and Mike live happily ever after, is that it? You think just because you're weak and had to spill your guts to him that things are suddenly going to be better for you?" Luke laughs bitterly. "News flash, Harvey. Things are only going to be _worse_ from here out. Mike is _never_ going to be able to look at you the same."

"You're wrong."

"Am I? Let me ask you this, has he been able to bring himself to fuck you yet? Because if he couldn't bring himself to do it before, what makes you think he's going to be able to do it now that he knows that we've fucked. How did you tell him that, by the way? Don't hold back any details. What kind of monster did you make me out to be? Did you only tell him about the times I _forced_ you, or did you also tell him about the times you _offered_ to spread your legs for me?"

"I did what I had to do," Harvey says softly, mostly a reminder to himself.

"I did what I had to do," Luke repeats mockingly. "Is that what you told the kid? If he believed that shit he is more naive than I thought."

"Mike loves me," Harvey says. It comes out sounding more like he's trying to convince himself of it, more so than anybody else. 

"He _loved_ you," Luke corrects. "Past tense. The Harvey Specter he loved died in that basement as far as Mike, or really anyone is concerned for that matter."

Harvey swallows against the lump in his throat, the one that is suddenly making him feel suffocated.

"That being said." Luke brings his glass to his mouth and tilts his head back, closes his eyes, and pours the rest of it down his throat. "I like you, Harvey. I've always told you that. And because I like you, I'm willing to consider cutting ties with you completely. If that's really what you want."

"It is."

"But," he starts. "It depends on what you have to offer me."

"I won't go to the police. Ever. About any of this."

"No, no, no. That was already part of our deal. I need something new."

"Like what?" Harvey reluctantly asks, already afraid of what the answer may be.

Luke ponders it for a long while or at least pretends to. "I think I know something that could benefit both of us."

Harvey's eyes dart to Luke, an eyebrow raised inquisitively. "What is it?"

"I want Cahill."

"What do you mean you _want_ him?"

"As your replacement."

"Luke, no. You told me what you do starts and ends with me. That you haven't and wouldn't hurt anybody else."

"That was before you wanted nothing to do with me anymore." He sounds pitiful and hurt. It makes Harvey feel bad for him, which in turn makes him feel bad for feeling bad for him. A vicious cycle he's all too familiar with.

"I'm sorry, Luke. No."

"Harvey, please," Luke says, his voice suddenly very soft. "I'm telling you, he's a threat to your relationship. I can fix that for you."

"You just tried to convince me that Mike doesn't love me five minutes ago, and now you suddenly care about supposed threats to my relationship? _You're_ the goddamn threat to my relationship!" 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I'm...jealous of what you and Mike have. I really am. I've told you that before. And if I'm being honest, you completely blindsided me by telling me you want nothing to do with me. I guess I thought that you were finally warming up to me, the way I've always wanted you to, what with the phone call the other day, and initiating a meeting between us. Alone, at that."

Luke pushes a breath out slowly and sits down next to Harvey. He's close enough that their legs are touching and Harvey shifts his weight to create space between them.

"Sean helped me get Mike out of prison. He didn't have to go to the lengths he did. He owed us nothing," Harvey offers. 

"How can you be so sure that he did that for _you_ and not for _himself_? Maybe he's always had a thing for the kid."

"I don't care. I don't want you to hurt him."

"But it's okay for you to attack him in his office?"

"That was...different. And how do you even know about that?"

"You told me."

"I don't remember doing that. But, it doesn't matter anyway, the answer is still no. Think of something else." Harvey truly doesn't remember telling him, but his mind has been all over the place lately that it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that he might have mentioned it during their phone call and simply forgotten about it.

"Do me a favor? Don't settle on 'no' just yet. Go home, invite Sean over to dinner with Mike and watch how they interact, and then get back to me. If you still say no, I'll accept that and not ask anymore and we'll figure out something different."

Harvey's never going to change his mind, but he doesn't exactly trust Sean, so the dinner idea doesn't sound that bad of an idea to gauge if he is any sort of threat. Luke's clearly not letting the idea, so Harvey will appease him for now, while buying himself some time. "Fine," Harvey agrees. 

"Thank you," Luke replies. "You ready for me to get you home before Mike starts to worry?"

"Yeah."

Luke drives him home and the ride back is so quiet that it's eery. Before Harvey gets out of the car, Luke presses a piece of paper into his hand that has a new phone number jotted down on it for Harvey to be able to contact him on. Harvey shoves it deep in his pocket, with zero intention of ever even looking at it, let alone dialing it. 

-

Harvey finds Mike standing at the stove, scraping a spatula across a pan, a dishtowel was thrown over his shoulder. He's still in sweatpants and a t-shirt that he is pretty sure is one of his because it's way too big on Mike. He has his earphones in and is bobbing his head and swaying to the music. Harvey catches himself smiling. _God, he loves him_.

Mike turns to grab the pepper and catches Harvey in his peripheral, and jumps. "Woah," he says, plucking the earphones out by the string. "You scared me."

"Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt your little dance party."

"Feel free to join next time, I'll even put on some of that old man music you like."

Harvey rolls his eyes. 

"You hungry?" Mike asks as he slides scrambled eggs out of the pan and onto a plate.

"No, I'm good. Thanks though."

Mike shrugs and sits down at the table. Wasting no time, he starts digging into the eggs. "What time did you leave this morning?"

"Early. You were out of it and I didn't want to wake you, figured you needed the sleep. I was feeling really on edge and needed to go work that out."

"Feel better now?" 

"Yeah. And uh, hey, I kind of want to throw something out and see if you think it's a good idea."

Mike swallows his bite and looks up at Harvey. "What's that?"

"I had some time to think and I feel bad about what I did to Sean. I was thinking maybe you could invite him over and we could all have dinner together. I'll even cook." 

"That sounds like a great idea. Let me shoot him a text real quick and see when he's free."

"Thanks."

"I'm going to go hop in the shower if you don't need me for anything."

"Take your time."

Harvey tries not to think about this morning. About everything Luke said to him about Mike. About the offer he made. The more he tries not to think about the more overwhelming the thoughts become. He's not taking Luke's deal. He'll figure something else out. He has to. He used to tell Mike there were 146 other options when somebody puts a gun to your head, and even though every single choice in the last year has felt like it's been reduced to a singular option, he couldn't allow this to be another one of them.

When he's finished with his shower, Mike informs him that Sean sent him a message agreeing to come over for dinner. 

Friday. 7 pm.


	27. Chapter 27

There was a part of him that hoped Sean wouldn't agree to come. But there was a much larger part of him that knew he'd come, solely because it was _Mike_ asking him to. 

"What are you going to do today?"

Mike always means well when he asks that question, but it always feels like it's his way of telling him to not lay around the house, drink, and be a fucking mess. Mike had a small taste of Harvey being productive when they worked a case after he was back, but that feels like a million years ago now and Harvey can barely bother to change out of sweatpants most days, let alone look anything like the corporate lawyer whose name is still on the wall of one of New York's top firms.

"I guess I'll go get what I need to make dinner on Friday. What do you think he'll want?"

"I don't know, I didn't ask him."

"But you've had dinners with him before. What did he order?"

"Harvey, don't do that."

"I'm not _doing_ anything. I'm just trying to figure dinner out."

"Just make whatever you want. You're a great cook, he'll enjoy it," Mike says before walking over to pick up and swing his messenger bag over his shoulder. He approaches Harvey and gives him a soft kiss on the forehead. "I'll be back around dinner time, okay?"

"Okay."

After Mike leaves, Harvey sits down and makes a list. He decides he'll make honey garlic sauce salmon. Not because he gives a shit if Sean wants or even likes it, but rather because Mike had ordered it once at dinner after they won a big case and raved about it for weeks. 

He jots down all the ingredients and heads out the door. 

Once he's at the store, he quickly grabs the items on the list and only strays from the list he'd made to grab popcorn and some of Mike's favorite treats. He could use a movie night, even though it's hard for him to focus on the movie anymore. But it was never about the movie anyway, it was always about the time spent with Mike. 

He's about halfway home when he decides to have the driver detour and make one last stop. 

\-----

Work was awful from start to finish. He can still hear texts coming through his phone and he's sure it's somebody else reminding him how badly he fucked up. He made a mistake, read the numbers wrong, something that seldom happens, and instead of anybody offering to help him fix the mistake, they decided to dogpile on him and remind him of how terrible the consequences of that screw up could be for the firm.

He knows. And he'll find a way to fix it. But right now, he just wants to go home and not think about it. He asks the driver to circle the block a few times before he exits the car. He needs a little more time to decompress. He doesn't want to bring the negative things that happened at work home to Harvey. He doesn't want him to feel obligated to have to help. 

"Harvey, you here?" Mike asks, dumping his messenger bag at the door and tossing his coat on the back of the couch.

He hears the sliding of the balcony door and sees Harvey walking towards him. 

"Hey," Harvey says to him. "What do you think?"

He is dressed impeccably. A pair of black slacks and a freshly-ironed button-down white shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. His hair has been cut short and is styled neatly and his beard is gone as well.

"Woah," Mike says, mouth slightly agape. "You look great!"

"Thanks," Harvey replies. 

Mike walks over and wraps his arms around his waist, Harvey steps into the embrace, and Mike goes in for a kiss. It's soft and gentle to the point of barely being there at all.

They pull apart and Harvey smiles at him. It's genuine in a way that makes his heart flutter in his chest. 

"I like this," he says.

"You're not going to miss the beard?"

"Maybe, just a little. But this...this is more, _you_."

"Agreed," Harvey replies before giving him a quick peck on the lips.

They order Chinese in and Mike picks out a movie for them to watch afterward. They're cuddled in next to each other, and neither of them wants to go to bed after the movie ends, so they pick a second one and start watching it.

Rather, Harvey watches it. Mike is too busy watching him. Harvey has an arm thrown around his shoulders and he smells like the cologne he used to always wear. The kind Mike could still smell on the shirts he stole from his closet months after he went missing just to be able to feel close to him.

Harvey looks like _Harvey_ again. It makes him think about all the times before that they sat just like this, shoulder to shoulder next to each other watching a movie, and he would spend the entire time wondering if they could ever be more than just two friends enjoying each other's company. He thinks about all the times he thought about leaning over and kissing Harvey, or hoping Harvey would take the initiative and just fucking kiss him, so they could find out where that road leads. He especially thinks about how fucked up it is that now that Harvey is his, he spends most of the time feeling farther away from him than ever before.

The more Mike stares at him and breathes him in, the more emotional he feels. Tears start to prick at his eyes and he quickly excuses himself before any of them can spill over.

"What's wrong?" Harvey asks when Mike jumps off the couch, leaving his arms empty.

"I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Hurry," Harvey says. "You're going to miss the best part."

Mike goes into the bathroom, locks the door behind him, and turns on the faucet. He splashes cold water on his face and takes deep breaths, trying to focus on not crying. Harvey is in a good mood, he's not going to ruin it because of some weird emotional reaction he's having to a fucking _haircut_. 

He calms himself down and looks in the mirror. His eyes are red, but the lights are dimmed so he should be okay. One last deep breath and he goes back out. 

Harvey lifts the covers when he sees Mike and Mike slides back under them and against Harvey.

"Everything okay?" Harvey asks.

"Yeah. Did I miss the best part?"

"No. You're just in time."

"Good."

By the time the credits roll, both of them are asleep.

-

Harvey feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and feels around pressing buttons until the call is ignored. It vibrates again. He knows who it is and he knows he doesn't want to talk to him.

He turns the phone off completely the next time it vibrates and tries to close his eyes and fall back asleep, which he knows is a losing battle. After laying there another hour, he decides to get up, which is a challenge because Mike is all over him.

He works on trying to wriggle himself free, as slow as humanly possible. Mike shifts a few times but remains asleep as Harvey frees himself. 

He goes out on the balcony and turns his phone back on. He sees the missed calls from a new number he doesn't recognize. He dials it back.

"Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"I was sleeping. Why are you calling me so early?"

"I couldn't sleep. I just needed to hear your voice."

Harvey rolls his eyes. "Okay, well you heard it. Is that it?"

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"Sorry, I'm just tired."

"Did you set up a dinner date?"

"Yeah."

"Good boy. When is it?"

"Friday night. It doesn't matter though, I'm not letting you take Sean."

"We'll see. I'll be in touch with you. Go back to sleep, Harvey."

The phone is already disconnected by the time Harvey can respond. He sighs inwardly and goes back inside to the bedroom and lays down on top of the bed. 

\-----

Mike works long hours to fix his mistake and make things right at the firm and Harvey stays home and continues to drown in despair and liquor. 

The closer to Friday they get, the quicker time seems to tick by. Hours feel like minutes and they only start to slow once Friday is here. 

It's just dinner, he tries to remind himself. It's an apology. It's not something he should be stressed about, but he is. Because Luke's in his head, convincing him that Sean is somehow trying to steal Mike away from him.

A year ago, he would have laughed at that thought and dismissed it entirely. 

But it's different now.

He's thankful when Mike comes home early from work. He offers his help, and Harvey declines, tells him to sit down and relax. Gets him a glass of wine, while he's just started his third.

He knows Mike's been stressed about something at work. It was easy to see even through the haze he's been existing in. He's thought about asking him if he wants help with whatever it is or if he wants to talk about it, but even just the thought of it exhausted him. Another thing to add to the ever-expanding list of things Harvey Specter feels guilty for. 

Harvey keeps looking at his watch. Time was suddenly at a screeching halt. The minutes had now become hours.

He continues bouncing around the kitchen, constantly checking things to make sure they would turn out perfect. He wasn't accepting anything less than that. 

Eventually, there's a knock at the door. 

"I'll get it," Mike shouts. 

Fuck. 

Harvey quickly disappears into the bedroom, not wanting to wear the clothes he had just cooked in. He throws on the other dress shirt he had picked up at the store the other day, and another pair of slacks. He stops in the bathroom and fixes his hair before heading back out.

The first thing he sees is Mike handing Sean a glass of wine, and patting him on the back. 

"Sean," Harvey is quick to interrupt. "Glad you came," he smiles, extending a hand.

Sean shakes his hand. "Of course." Sean takes a moment to fully examine Harvey. "You look good, Harvey. Got rid of the beard, huh?"

"Yeah. It was overdue. Enough about that, though. Are you hungry? I see Mike already got you started on the wine."

"I didn't have time to eat today so I'm starving. It smells fantastic in here."

"Follow me," he gestures, leading him to the table he'd set. "Take a seat."

Mike had followed behind Sean. "You need me to help get anything?"

"I've got it. You can sit."

Harvey goes into the kitchen to add the finishing touches and start plating everything. He's only gone a few minutes but when he comes back Sean and Mike are laughing about something. 

Harvey ignores it and sets a plate down in front of both Mike and Sean and then grabs his own and brings it in, before situating himself at the table. 

"Wait," Mike says excitedly when he gives the plate a once over. "This is like that salmon we got at that restaurant before, isn't it?"

"It is. I just hope I was able to do it justice."

"Oh, you are the best," Mike says, practically salivating. "If the looks are any indication, I'd say you nailed it."

Sean unfolds a napkin and sits it on his lap. "I didn't know you cooked, Harvey."

"There's a lot about me you don't know." Harvey doesn't mean for it to come out sounding so harsh, it just does. He forces a smile in an attempt to soften the edges.

"A man of many talents? Got it," Sean replies, seemingly not bothered the slightest by what Harvey had said.

Mike is the first to take a bite, and by the sound that came out of his mouth, Harvey figures he had done a good job. 

Harvey watches Sean take a bite next.

"This is incredible," he says. 

Harvey doesn't thank him for it but instead takes a bite of his own. It did turn out very good. At least he's still good at something. 

Harvey stays relatively quiet and just lets Mike and Sean talk for some time. He wants to observe their interactions. That's what Luke told him to do anyway. 

They seem to get along really well. It's not a big deal, it doesn't mean anything, Mike gets along with everybody, he tells himself. 

Sean takes another sip of his wine. "So, what are you guys working on at the firm these days?"

"I've just been working to try to save my job these past few days."

Harvey shoots Mike a confused look.

"Why's that?" Sean asks.

"I fucked some up numbers on something and everybody has been on my ass since. I hardly ever make mistakes, I was just...tired that day. So now I have to put in a disgusting amount of hours while people like Louis Litt constantly tell me what a fuck up I am."

"I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Mike."

"You never told me about that," Harvey says, feeling slightly insulted, but knowing he has no right to be.

Harvey had known something was up, but he didn't think it was that bad. He also didn't think everybody was dog piling on him either. He starts to wonder if Mike's had to struggle more at work without him being there to keep people in check. He knows Louis, in particular, could get pretty bad even when he _was_ there.

"I know. I didn't want to bother you. It's not a big deal." Mike shrugs it off and takes another bite of food. "Oh, I do have some good work news that I haven't told you yet."

"A little good news, bad news, lead by the bad news. I like that. What's the good news?"

"We signed Davis Enterprises."

 _We_ , he says. As if Harvey had anything to do with it.

"Oh wow, that is good news. Wait," Sean pauses to think for a moment. "was that the one you were talking about that time we went to that little Italian spot so you could stress eat pasta?"

"God, yes. That was the one. I was so full I could barely drag myself out to the car and couldn't eat pasta for a month after that. Ugh," he says, laughing again.

Harvey had always been under the impression that they had hung out a few times, mostly just so Sean could help Mike look for him and they could exchange information. But now they're going to little Italian spots and having dinner together while discussing work. All, while he was stuck suffering in a basement God knows where.

Harvey tries not to, but he feels really hurt by that.

"At least it turned out to be for the greater good. Congratulations, guys," Sean replies, lifting his glass up and mock toasting them.

"Thanks."

"Don't congratulate me, I had nothing to do with that. In fact, I don't even go to work anymore. I mostly just drink my days away because it's the only way I can manage to get through them at all. Do I get congratulations for that?"

" _Harvey_ ," Mike says his name like a warning.

"Sorry. I'm going to get another glass of wine. Anybody else need a refill? Just me? Okay."

Harvey gets up from the table, and he can hear Mike apologizing to Sean once he thinks he's out of earshot. 

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to calm himself down. He opens the cupboard and pulls out a bottle. Wine just isn't going to cut it. He twists off the cap and fills his wine glass with it before heading back in.

He pauses just behind the wall and listens in on their conversation. Unfortunately, it's hard to make anything out besides the laughter. What the fuck was so funny?

The laughter fades away quickly when they see Harvey re-enter the room and sit back down. 

"Don't stop talking on my account," Harvey says.

"I was just telling Mike that I got a couple of tickets to see the Yankees if you guys are interested. They're right behind home plate."

"Thanks but no thanks, I can buy my own goddamn tickets and certainly don't need charity from the likes of you."

"I just thought I'd offer," Sean says apologetically.

"Harvey, can I talk to you real quick? In private."

"Mike, it's okay. He doesn't want the tickets, that's fine."

"Sean, stop. Just eat, okay?"

Mike gets up from the table, and Harvey reluctantly follows him. 

"What?"

"You're embarrassing me."

Harvey rolls his eyes. 

"Don't roll your eyes. This meal is supposed to be your apology to him and you're treating him like shit and being a total asshole."

"I'm not being an asshole."

"You are! Can't you just sit down and have one civil conversation with somebody? If not for Sean, then do it for me? Please?"

Harvey nods. 

"Thank you."

Sean is finishing off the rest of the wine in his glass when they both return. The tension in the air is starting to make him uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Sean," Harvey apologizes. 

"It's okay. Not a big deal. Thank you for dinner, by the way. This is truly spectacular. I'd ask for the recipe, but I'm not much of a cook."

"Give yourself some credit, I've seen you work the microwave like you're a pro," Mike replies.

"It took years of practice to get that good."

Harvey keeps his mouth shut. Because Mike asked him to.

Mike turns his attention to Harvey. "This really is amazing. I think it might even be better than the restaurants."

"I'm glad you guys are enjoying it," he says flatly. 

There's an awkward silence that falls between them after that, as they all pick at the food remaining on their plates.

"Oh," Mike finally says, breaking the drawn-out silence. "I bought a chessboard. It's not here yet, but it should be delivered soon."

"Great. Because I need a rematch. This time I'm not going to _let_ you win."

"I beat you fair and square and you know it."

"Since when do you even play chess, Mike?"

"Mike didn't tell you about his chess hustling days?" 

"Okay. I didn't _hustle_ chess," Mike corrects. "I just happened to pretend not to know what I was doing to lull people into a false sense of security so I could beat them and take their money."

"Ah, my mistake. I don't know how I confused the two things," Sean laughs. "What about you, Harvey? Do you play?"

Harvey doesn't even hear the question. Sean and Mike have had dinners, they talk about work shit, they apparently play fucking chess together, something Mike literally never mentioned ever in the entire time they've known each other.

He's starting to feel like maybe Luke was onto something after all.

"Harvey!" Mike says, snapping his fingers to get his attention.

"What?"

"Sean asked you if you play chess?"

"I, uh. I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? It's a yes or no question."

"I need to go lay down for a bit, I don't feel good."

"Okay? Do you need medicine or anything?"

"No. No. I just need to lay down."

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything," 

Harvey leaves the room and they hear the bedroom door shut.

"What was that all about?" Sean asks.

Mike sighs. "I have no clue."

"Are you doing okay? With everything?"

"I don't know. This is all just...a lot. But you know what, I don't want to talk about that right now. Let's talk about something different. Let me refill our wine first though."

"Good idea."

Harvey's not sure if it's paranoia, insecurity, or everything Luke drilled inside his head coming into play and making him feel like he was watching Mike being stolen away. It could also be the copious amount of liquor he drank as well. Maybe it's a little bit of everything, he doesn't know, but he knows that he fucking hates it. 

He checks his phone to see if Luke messaged him. Nothing.

He dials the last number Luke called from. It's now disconnected.

Maybe it's a sign he shouldn't be calling him. Not now, or ever. He needs to talk to him though. He remembers Luke handing him the number the other day that he stuffed in his pocket. He digs through his dirty laundry but can't remember what pants he was wearing.

He goes through the pockets of every pair but comes up empty each time.

Fuck.

He goes back out to where Mike and Sean are still sitting. Again, their laughter falls to a hush.

"Everything okay?" Mike asks.

"There was a paper in one of my pockets, have you seen it?"

"A paper?"

"Yeah, a _paper_ ," Harvey repeats with emphasis. "I need it."

"I haven't seen anything like that. Did you check the dirty laundry?"

"Yes, of course, I checked the fucking dirty laundry!"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I'm not yelling at you," Harvey denies, even though he knows he was yelling.

"What's on the paper, Harvey?"

Harvey shoots him a look. "None of your goddamn business."

"Harvey, what the hell is wrong with you?" Mike asks.

"Nothing. I'll leave you two alone so you can continue laughing because everything is just so goddamn funny!" Harvey shouts before storming off.

He goes back into the room, slams the door, and throws himself on the bed. He gets his phone out and texts the last number Luke contacted him from. Multiple times over the next hour.

_I need to talk to you._

_text me back_

_lost the number you gave me, call when you see this_

_i think you were right about sean_

_where are you?_

_please?? i need you_

He frantically paces the room, waiting for a response back and when he doesn't get one after sending message after message, he launches his phone against the wall. Realizing immediately that it was a stupid idea, he desperately scrambles over to pick it up. The screen is now cracked, but luckily it still seems to be working. 

He feels crazy and on the verge of a panic attack and thinks maybe some fresh air can drag him away from one, so he opens the door and starts to head to the balcony, but his plan is derailed when he sees Mike and Sean embracing in the living room. 

There is a logical part of his brain that tells him, he's hugging him because Sean's leaving. That's what people do. But there's the part that also says, the hug is going on for way too long, that embrace is far too tight and Sean's hands are lingering on him much too long. That's the only part he can listen to right now because it's so loud that it's drowning out every bit of the logical part.

He turns right around, heads back in the room, shuts the door, and slides down against it, his breath already hitching at an irregular pace. Beads of sweat begin to gather on his forehead and his entire body feels like it's vibrating. He struggles to choke back sobs, as the entire room starts to close in on him at a dizzying pace. 

Harvey's not sure how long it all lasts, he never does. But he's exhausted. He manages to pull himself up off the floor and sit down on the edge of the bed. 

Mike is pounding on the outside of the door, variations of pleas to let him in coming from his mouth. Letting people in had become his whole problem, one way or another. He'd let Mike in his heart and he'd let Luke in his head and neither one could be shaken once they were there. 

He finally gets up and opens the door for him.


	28. Chapter 28

Mike walks over and sits down next to Harvey on the bed. "What is it that bothers you about Sean so much?"

After a long pause, Harvey finally answers. "Everything."

"So why even have me invite him over for dinner in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to see how you two interact."

Mike frustratedly rubs a hand over his face. "Oh Jesus, not this again. I told you, Harvey, we're just _friends_."  


Harvey gets up from the bed and paced over to the window, stares out of it for a second, before turning back to face Mike. "Maybe you _shouldn't_ be. Because maybe it bothers me that while I was wondering if anybody was coming to rescue me from the goddamn nightmare I was in, you were apparently out discussing cases with him over dinner!"

"You really think that's what I was doing while you were gone? Having nice little chats about work over dinner with Sean Cahill? I rarely ever talked about anything _but_ you. But work, and dinner here and there, I _needed_ that. Because if I didn't take a small break from wondering where and how you were, I don't think I would have even been here to greet you at the door when you did come home. Work was an okay distraction, most of the time, but some days I just needed someone to talk to. To tell me I'm not crazy, and he was the _only_ one offering to do that for me."

Harvey doesn't say anything, and Mike can't decide if it's because he believes him or because he doesn't.

"He's not your enemy, Harvey. Remember him helping you get me out of prison?"

"Yeah. Pretty interesting how he was able to help you, but not me."

"Stop. You can't blame him for that, because if you're blaming him, you're blaming me. Because I couldn't do it either." Mike swallows audibly. "Do you--" he stops himself, not sure if he wants to finish the question, but needing to hear the answer. "Do you blame me? You know, for not being able to find you."

"No," Harvey immediately says. It's the truth. He has never once blamed Mike for any of this. "I don't blame Sean either. This whole mess is nobody's fault but mine."

"Harvey. Look at me. Right now."

Harvey stops pacing and looks at Mike.

"This isn't your fault. None of it."

"Yeah, well, it feels like it, and I don't think it will ever feel any differently." Harvey can sense Mike getting ready to say something else. "I'm not interested in being able to be convinced otherwise," he adds.

He figures he guessed correctly because it silences Mike.

"I think I'm going to spend the night at my place."

"Why? I thought we were starting to do good here. You were opening up to me."

"We are. I think I just need to be alone tonight. To think about some things."

"I don't want you to go."

"It's just one night."

Mike looks on the verge of tears, and it's almost enough to make him stay. But he can't. He needs to get in contact with Luke and that's easier if Mike's not around. 

"Okay," he resides. He stands up and sticks his arms out "Can I at least get a hug before you go?"

Harvey answers by wrapping his arms around Mike and burying his face in his neck. "I'm sorry about tonight. I'll make it up to you. I'm going to fix things, I promise," he whispers. 

"It's okay, Harvey."

Harvey tries to pull off the hug, but Mike squeezes harder, keeping him there because he needs him for a few seconds longer. Harvey lets him hold him, as long as he needs to, and Mike eventually pulls away.  


Harvey doesn't take anything but his phone and coat with him, worrying that if he took much more Mike might not think he's coming back. 

Mike walks him to the door and pulls him in for a kiss. "I love you, Harvey," he says.

"I love you, too."

Harvey doesn't bother to point out how that is the first time Mike has told him he loved him since he's been back and he definitely doesn't want to ask why now of all times? Instead, he is content with just hearing it at all. He needed it. 

\-----

Harvey doesn't bother turning the lights on when he gets inside his apartment. He just goes straight to the liquor cabinet, grabs a bottle, and sits down on the couch. He sits his phone in his lap and waits. Drinks and waits.

Harvey tries to fall asleep a few times, but he can't. He's too on edge. The alcohol hasn't done much to dull his thoughts. All it's done is make him feel nauseous and tired. 

He watches the sun slowly rise and overtake the darkness of the apartment little by little until the room is filled with warm, bright light.

Harvey hasn't moved from the spot he's been in all night, except to take a piss and throw up. But other than that he's stayed positioned there, never once closing his eyes. 

A little after 9, a text finally comes through on his phone. Even though he's been waiting for it all night, it startles him. 

_Meet me where we met last time. I'll pick you up. Half-hour._

Harvey's nerves officially start to set in as soon as he reads it.

-

Sure enough, a half-hour, almost on the dot, Luke is pulling up. He's in a different vehicle now, but it has the same dark windows. 

Harvey gets in and puts his seatbelt on.

"You smell like a brewery," Luke points out.

"I had a rough night," his tone is accusatory and Luke raises an eyebrow at it and glares over at him. Harvey averts his eyes and slumps down in his seat. 

They don't talk the rest of the way there. And even when Luke gets out of the vehicle, he simply gestures at the house and whistles like Harvey is some fucking dog. 

"Sit down."

"I'd rather stand."

"Harvey. I said sit. Now."

Harvey sits, almost as a reflex rather than something he actively chose to do.

"You look like shit," he says. "What happened last night?"

"Your stupid idea to have dinner with Sean is what happened."

Luke laughs. "My stupid idea?" he repeats, mostly curious if Harvey is willing to take the insult back.

"Yeah, stupid," Harvey says again, doubling down instead of backing off.

"Okay, tell me what was stupid about it?" Luke asks, an amused smile on his face.

"Everything," Harvey huffs.

"How did Mike and Sean get along? Let me guess, lots of laughter between them, maybe even had some inside jokes of their own, did they reminisce about some good times they had?"

"Mike doesn't want to be with Sean, he wants to be with me."

"Yeah, I'm sure he prefers the broken, unstable alcoholic with a shit ton of baggage to the guy who has his life entirely together. I mean, who wouldn't?"

Luke sits down next to Harvey and puts a hand on his knee. Harvey tries to pull away but Luke tightens his grip. "You know I'm right about this. Mike might not feel that way about Sean, not right now, but the more he gets to experience the contrast between you two, the worse you're going to start looking in comparison." 

Luke let's go of him and stands back up.

"Why didn't you answer my messages last night?"

"Because you were clearly upset and I didn't want you to do something irrational."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Our whole relationship is based on me being irrational, you asshole!" Harvey stands up quickly from the couch and goes to walk past Luke. 

Luke grabs his arm and Harvey yanks it away. "Let me go, I'm getting a drink."

Luke lets him pour himself a drink, not that he needs it, but he's interested in watching things unfold.

Harvey sits back down, white-knuckled grip on the glass in his hand.

"I _needed_ you last night. I told you that. I even said please, multiple times, just the way you like and you couldn't even give me the time of day."

"You _needed_ me? You just told me you wanted out, and to be done with all of this. That's what this whole thing with Sean was about in the first place. So, which is it, Harvey? You want me out of your life or do you want me on stand-by to, what, _comfort_ you? Is that it?"

"I still want out."

"Then start acting like it. Give me Sean and go back to your little boyfriend and live happily ever after."

"I told you, I'm not giving you Sean. I'm not giving you anybody," Harvey finishes his drink and stands up. Luke steps out of his way, and Harvey walks over to sit the glass on the counter.

"Maybe instead of Sean, I take Mike. You wouldn't be able to stop me from doing it. And what the hell would you even tell the police?"

"Luke," Harvey says, as he moves closer to him. "You promised me."

"Yeah, I did," he shrugs. "But maybe I'm bored with keeping promises."

"I swear to god if you go near him, I'll-"

"You'll what?"

"I'll fucking kill you!"

Luke laughs. "You'll kill me? I could probably convince you to hand him over to me."

"Shut-up."

"Mike would probably thank me for getting him away from you. All you've done is ruin his life since you met him. He could be happy living in Seattle instead of stuck living with...well, you know what you're like."

"I didn't ruin his life," Harvey argues back.

"You sure as shit didn't improve it. You gave him a job and expected him to owe you for it for the rest of his life. You might not have him tied-up in a basement, but he's your prisoner. Admit it, Harvey, we are the same."

Harvey lowers his head and takes a deep breath. "Take that back. Now."

"Or what?" Luke challenges.

Harvey immediately reaches for his throat and drives him backward until he hits the wall behind him. 

"That's it," Luke says breathily. "Squeeze harder," he instructs.

Harvey does just that and Luke's face starts to turn red as he struggles for air. He holds him just like that for only a few seconds and then lets him go. Luke bends over, coughing, grasping at his neck where Harvey's hand had just been. 

"I'm...I'm sorry. Are you okay?" he asks.

Harvey bends over and offers Luke his hand to help him back up. Luke takes it and uses it to pull himself up, spin Harvey around and pin him up against the wall by his throat. "This is how you do it, Harvey."

"Luke..." Harvey manages to choke out. 

With one hand pinning Harvey, Luke lets his free hand wander down Harvey's body until it lands at the waist of his pants. He works hastily to unbutton them. He loosens his grip, not by much, but just enough to be able to hear Harvey's pleas.

"Don't. Luke. Please," Harvey frantically begs.

Luke yanks Harvey's pants down so that they're sitting mid-thigh. "You're hard," he leans in and breathes against Harvey's ear, low and raspy, all while simultaneously tightening the grip on his neck. "Tell me, is that from your hand around my throat or my hand around yours?"

"S-stop," Harvey says, his head feeling light, and black starting to overtake his vision.

Luke let's go entirely, and Harvey drops to the floor with a thud. Chest heaving, he grapples to catch his breath. He gulps in air and coughs a hacking unproductive cough while holding on to his throat. 

Luke walks over and pours himself a drink, and sips at it while standing above Harvey, whose breathing is finally starting to even out. 

"I won't go near Mike. I promised you that and it's one I intend to keep."

Harvey pulls his pants up and drags himself up off the floor and stumbles over to the couch to sit down. 

"Are you okay? Luke asks. 

"I'm tired and I want to go home."

"Let's go."

The ride is quiet up until they're about a block from Mike's. 

"Text or call me when you decide what exactly it is you want from me. I'll answer this time." Luke says it in a way that's strangely sweet, apologetic even. He doesn't add in any threats about what will happen if he doesn't get in contact with him, mostly because that's something he doesn't have to worry about at this point.

Harvey doesn't respond, nor does he acknowledge him in any way. He gets out of the car and heads straight inside. 

By chance, when he gets inside, Mike is busy mopping the floor. He has headphones in and Harvey uses him being fully distracted to his advantage and heads straight into the bedroom unnoticed.  
He immediately crawls under the covers and closes his eyes, hoping life would grant him the smallest mercy and let him fall asleep quickly.

-

Mike finishes up the floor, one of only a few things left on his list. He didn't have to work today so he decided to use his time to tidy up the place.

He hasn't heard from Harvey yet so he decides to give him a call. Weird. It sounds distant and muffled, but he swears he hears his ringtone. He pulls the phone away from his ear and follows the sound into the bedroom.

He opens the door and sees Harvey sleeping in the bed, cell phone ringing next to his outstretched arm. He quickly hangs up the phone so the ringing wouldn't wake him. He hadn't even heard him come in.  
While he's in the room, he slowly tiptoes around to grab the few items of laundry lying around so he can scratch that off of his list and be done for the day.

Once he has everything, he pulls the door shut quietly and exits. 

Mike takes the items he gathered from the room and tosses them into the laundry hamper, and carries them over to the dryer. Typically nothing of note happens during laundry, but while checking the pockets of all the clothes, he finds a crinkled up piece of paper.

Immediately he figures it's the paper that Harvey was up in arms about during dinner with Sean. He unfolds it and sees that it's just a phone number. He was expecting something a little more interesting.

He debates calling it to see who answers. No, he shouldn't. Or maybe he should, but do it using Harvey's phone so it's not suspicious. 

Mike sneaks back into the room and borrows Harvey's phone. 

Once back to a quiet place in the house he dials the number.

"Harvey," the voice greets. "I know I told you to call or text me, but I wasn't expecting it to be this soon."

Mike knows he can't respond so he panics and hangs up. A chill runs through him, and he thinks he may know who just answered the phone based off of it.


	29. Chapter 29

Mike quickly deletes any trace of him having placed the call on the phone and starts walking back towards the bedroom so he can put it right back where he had taken it from when the phone vibrates in his hand. 

It startles him so much that he almost drops it. 

He's thankful when he sees it's just a message. He opens it.

_Why'd you hang up? Can't talk?_

Mike knows he has to respond to it because otherwise he risks getting a phone call back and he definitely isn't answering that. What would he even say? If it's even Luke, maybe he's just panicking over nothing.

_pocket dial, sorry_

Mike regrets it as soon as he sends it. They're going to know it's not Harvey that sent it. He waits. And waits. And then the phone vibrates. 

_Go to sleep. You need it._

Mike breathes a sigh of relief that he seemingly bought the excuse. He deletes the messages and returns the phone to the nightstand. 

Harvey shifts around but doesn't wake up. Mike quietly exits the room. 

Once he's out he pulls out his phone and dials Sean's number.

"I'm busy, Mike, so make it quick."

"I have Luke's phone number. I, mean, I think I do."

"What do you mean you have his phone number? How?"

"Remember Harvey asking about a piece of paper at dinner? I found that and it had a number written on it, so I called and he picked up."

"Wait, you talked to him?"

"No, I panicked and hung up when he answered."

"Okay, then how do you even know it's him and not some other bullshit Harvey is involved in?"

"His voice sounded...familiar like I've talked to him before. And I just had this feeling, you know?"

"Okay, so let's say it's him. What good is it going to do it? I can get somebody to look up the number for you, but we've been down this road before, he knows enough that he's not going to give a number that leads anybody to his front door."

"I know. But can you do it, anyway?"

"Give me the number. No promises that I can even get this done today, I'm swamped."

"It's okay," Mike says before giving him the number. 

"All right, got it. I need to get back to work," Sean explains.

"I'll let you go then. Thanks, Sean."

"Yeah," he replies. "Hey, why do you think his voice sounds familiar? Do you think it's someone you know, maybe using an alias?"

"No," Mike says, sounding unsure of himself. "Nothing like that. It's not familiar enough that I think we've met multiple times, I would remember that. It's just, like I said, a feeling."

"Interesting. All right, well if you remember anything, let me know. I'll call you later."

"Okay, bye."

Mike spends the next few hours racking his brain trying to figure out why the voice was familiar to him but keeps coming up empty. He wishes he could call it back just one more time to hear it, but he knows he can't so he nixes the idea. 

-

Mike's checked in on Harvey throughout the day and has been surprised every time to find him still sleeping. He's torn between being glad and being concerned. Harvey can always use the sleep, but for the most part, he only gets hours of consecutive sleep after he's been drinking more than usual. 

Mike gets impatient and antsy and texts Sean a few times while he bounces between waiting for Harvey to wake up and continuing to clean up around the house as a means of busying himself. Sean doesn't respond to any of them, but he's sure he's the very least looked at them, and more than likely wished he'd never been dragged into this.

Small creaks coming from the bed in the room alert Mike that Harvey is finally awake. He peaks inside the bedroom, and Harvey is sitting on the edge with his legs dangling over the side. 

"Good morning," Mike greets him, despite morning being long gone. 

"Hey," Harvey says. 

Mike walks over and sits down next to Harvey. "You snuck in today."

"You looked like you were in the zone, didn't want to interrupt. And I was tired."

"You slept all day," Mike points out. "I take it you didn't sleep much at your place?"

Harvey's not sure if Mike is inferring anything by that or if it's his own guilty conscience just making it feel like he is, so he settles for a simple "no."

Mike seems to accept the answer and Harvey's sure it isn't because he believes him, but instead he leans in and rests his head on Harvey's shoulder. Harvey savors the sweetness of it before he thinks too much about everything and the sweetness starts to feel bitter.

"I need to get a shower."

Mike lifts his head off of Harvey's shoulder so he's free to get up. "I'll be out in the living room when you're done."

Mike sits on the bed until he hears the shower start. He checks Harvey's phone before leaving the room, and it thankfully doesn't have any new messages or missed calls. 

Now, he just needs Sean to get back to him. 

-

Harvey strips himself free of his clothes and turns the faucet as hot as he can stand it. He gets in the lets the water run down his entire body. He slicks his hands through his hair and down to his neck, rubbing small circles at the base, before dragging them around to the front. His neck feels tender where Luke's hand had been wrapped around it only hours earlier. He hopes it doesn't bruise too bad because there's not a lie in the world he could sell to Mike about where it came from that he would buy.

He starts to wonder if Luke had any bruises from _him_. He recalls the way his hand had felt around his throat. The way Luke had looked when he had unexpectedly grabbed him, the way he had demanded he tighten his grip, and the small, breathy sound he had made when he did just that. It had made him feel powerful and in control, even if was extremely short-lived. 

Images replaying in his head, his hand roams down and he wraps it around his already hard, aching cock. It feels good in a way that makes him feel sick. He tries to ignore how wrong it all is and instead tightens his grip, and it only takes but one, two, three strokes before he's spilling over, biting down so hard on his bottom lip to keep quiet that he draws blood.

Out of breath, he uses an outstretched arm to lean forward and prop himself up against the shower wall while his ragged breathing quickly turns into small sobs that he struggles to silence. 

\-----

Mike is in the middle of flipping a grilled cheese when he feels his phone vibrate. He sets the spatula down and pulls his phone from his pocket and answers.

"Hey. Tell me you have good news for me."

"I don't," Sean replies. "But I don't have any news right now."

"Why are you calling then?"

"I can't call just to see how you are?"

Mike realizes how he had sounded. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Harvey's in the shower and should be done soon so I don't have much time to talk."

"Can you call me back when you have some free time? I need to talk to you about something."

"Is everything okay?" 

"Yeah. Everything's fine. We can talk about it later."

"Later when?" 

His question is met with silence. "Are you still there?"

Mike lifts his phone away from his ear to look at the screen. The call has been disconnected. He tucks it back into his pocket. 

"Who was that? Sean?" Harvey asks, his voice cutting through the quiet and making him jump.

"Yeah." Mike doesn't bother denying it, especially since he's not sure how long Harvey was standing there listening. 

"Your food is burning," Harvey points out.

Mike turns back to his grilled cheese to see smoke rising from the pan. "Shit," he says, scrambling to pick up the spatula to scoop it up from the pan and slide it out onto a plate. It's burnt black to the point of barely being able to recognize what it was supposed to be.

Harvey brushes past him and grabs the bottle of scotch from the countertop. 

"You should eat something first," Mike says. He wants to tell him he shouldn't be drinking at all, but he knows that is a losing battle. 

Harvey picks the grilled cheese up and drops it back down on the plate, it lands with a heavy clink. "I think I'll pass."

"I'm going to make a new one."

"I'm okay, Mike. Thanks."

Harvey disappears from the kitchen and Mike works on making two new ones, this time avoiding distractions. They turn out golden brown with the cheese melted to perfection. He figures it should be enough to change Harvey's mind.

He finds him sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table in front, drinking straight from the bottle. 

Mike places two plates down on the table and sits down next to him. He takes the bottle out of Harvey's hand and grabs the cap in front of him and twists it back on. 

"Can you at least eat a little bit?" he asks. 

Harvey looks at him, his big blue eyes are tired and pleading. He picks up the grilled cheese and takes a bite, looking for Mike's approval. 

"Thank you," he says before starting to eat his own. 

At some point, Harvey reaches for the remote and turns on the tv. They both finish eating, and Mike takes notice when Harvey doesn't touch the bottle again. He gets up, gathers their plates, and takes them out to the sink, returning with two bottles of water in hand.

"Here," he says, holding one out for Harvey. 

Harvey takes it, and takes the cap off and takes a drink, figuring that's what Mike wanted to see. He puts the cap back on, sets it down, and allows himself to sink into the couch. 

Mike does the same before leaning into Harvey, resting his head on his chest and letting the gentle rising and falling of his chest relax him. 

\-----

"What time is it?" he groggily asks.

Harvey uses the arm Mike doesn't have wrapped around himself to check his watch. "A little after 9."

"In the morning? Shit. I didn't mean to fall asleep. Were you stuck here with me all night?"

"I wasn't stuck, believe me, if I wanted to move without you knowing it, I could have. You were so out of it that you probably could have slept through going skydiving."

Mike untangles himself from Harvey and Harvey shakes his arm out and opens and closes his hand several times to make the tingling stop. 

Mike yawns and runs his hand through his hair. "Let's go on a date tonight."

"What?"

"Let's go mini-golfing or something."

"Mini-golfing? What are you, 10?" 

Mike's face falls. "Okay, well where would you like to go?"

Back to before all this shit happened, he thinks. 

"Nowhere," he answers.

"How about dinner? I know a good place."

"Good places require reservations, and unless you're using my name, there's no way you're getting one on such short notice.

Mike rolls his eyes, but it also makes him smile because it's one of the more Harvey things he's said in some time. "Is that a yes?"

"Yes," Harvey resigns. "I will go to dinner with you."

"Good. We'll aim for 7-ish. Dress...normally. No suit."

"No suit? Where are we going? McDonald's?"

"I wish, the waitlist there is entirely too long, plus they took out the play area so it's not as fun."

Mike is able to draw the slightest smile out of Harvey and he considers it a victory. 

"You going to work today?" Harvey asks.

"Not officially. I am going to meet with a client just to go over a few details and have them sign some paperwork and then after that, I have to run a few errands. You're welcome to come with if you want."

"To the meeting with the client or to run errands with you?"

"Either. Or both."

"Tempting, but I'll pass this time. I might go to the gym or for a run or both if I'm feeling ambitious enough, and then come home and take a nap."

"Fair enough. I'm gonna go hop in the shower and get dressed."

While Mike showers, Harvey cooks him breakfast. Nothing special, just some blueberry pancakes, which Mike is thrilled about when he emerges from the bathroom.

He sits down and digs in, clearing the plate in record time. Harvey takes his plate and puts it in the sink, and Mike is there to meet him when he turns around, his mouth capturing Harvey's, all tongue and syrupy sweetness.

"Thanks for breakfast."

Harvey walks Mike to the door and Mike kisses him one more time before he heads out. Harvey locks the door behind him. 

\-----

Mike calls Sean on his way to meet the client to try to see when they could meet up. Sean sounds like he's in a hurry to get off the phone but still agrees to meet Mike. He tells him to swing by the office, but make sure he texts when he's ten minutes away so he can be sure he's there.

Mike meets with his client first. He goes over every detail, gets all his papers signed, and can wrap everything up from start to finish in less than an hour. He swings by the office and drops the papers off and gets in and out before anybody can find him and rope him into agreeing to do more work he doesn't want. 

He runs the few errands he needs to, and then takes the cab to Sean's office, remember to send a text when he's just about there. 

Sean isn't in his office when Mike gets there anyway, and he wonders if he got the text. He checks his phone to make sure it went through, and it did on his end. He sits down in the chair across the desk and waits.

Twenty minutes later, Sean finally shows up. Flustered and apologetic for being late. He shuts the door behind him and sits down behind his desk. 

"Everything okay?" Mike asks.

"Yeah. I just got stuck in this...thing," he says, not exactly wanting to go into any of the details. 

"So? Any news?"

"On the phone number? None you're going to like. He's using some sort of program to not only block it from being traced, but it also sends false pings out when he makes a call. So if he's calling a block from where you are, it's telling us that he's making the call from somewhere on the other side of the country."

"How long has he had the phone number? Do you think he'll keep it?

"I don't know." Sean gives him a look of concern. "You're not thinking about calling it back, are you?"

Mike doesn't deny it and that's enough of an answer for Sean.

"You can't call him, Mike!"

"I just need to hear his voice _one_ more time, so I can know."

"Okay, say you call him back, you figure out where you know him from, then what? You've made it evident to me that you're not calling the cops, so what? You'll just track him down and take the law into your own hands?"

"I don't know, Sean, maybe."

Sean throws his hands up, "You see, _this_? This is why I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what anymore? Be my friend?"

"Am I your friend, Mike? Or am I just the _only_ person that was _stupid_ enough to go along with any of this? You should have called the cops from the get-go! I told you that!" Sean fumes. 

"Well, maybe you _shouldn't_ have gone along with it. Why did you, anyway? Because you felt bad for me? Because you thought you could get into my pants? What is it?"

"I never tried to get in your pants," Sean denies.

"You kissed me though. What do you think Harvey would do if I told him that?"

"Mike...that was a mistake, one that I've apologized to you numerous times for."

Mike shakes his head. "You know what? I'm leaving, I have to get back home." 

Mike slides his chair back, gets up, and starts walking towards the door.

"Somebody followed me last night," Sean says, freezing Mike where he stands.

"What do you mean somebody _followed_ you? Where?"

"I had gone to this bar after work, parked my car in a parking garage about two blocks away from it. I was there a couple of hours and left the bar a little before 1 and I don't know, it just felt like somebody was watching me the whole time."

"It felt like it, but you didn't actually see anybody, right?"

"No," Sean replies, sensing Mike's skepticism.

"Are you sure you're not just being paranoid? Or maybe you drank too much. I mean, Luke doesn't even know who the hell you are, Sean. He's not going to randomly start following you."

"I know. I debated even telling you because the more I think about it, the more it feels like it was nothing. But that's not the point, even if it was nothing, this whole situation has me on edge."

"Okay? What do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't want to be involved in this anymore, Mike. And I'm telling you because I want you to understand _why_ I want out and why you should, too. We can still do this legally, but instead, It feels like we're drawing a line in the sand and we don't just cross it, we let the tide erase it completely and then draw a new one, this time closer to the water, and we're just going to keep doing that over and over until the water is over our heads and we're drowning."

"If you want out, you're out. You get a lifejacket and you're _saved_ , Sean. I won't bother you anymore with anything. I am truly sorry I ever dragged you into this mess in the first place."

"Mike, stop. I still want to be able to help you and Harvey."

Mike opens the door and leaves, not bothering to turn his head around and look no matter how many times Sean calls his name down the hallway.


	30. Chapter 30

Harvey starts to feel restless not long after Mike leaves. Normally he'd subdue that feeling with alcohol, but Mike wanted to go on a date later and him being sober for it is on a long list of things Mike deserves, and of all the things on that list, this one at least feels attainable. Maybe.

He tries to put something on tv, just to pass the time, but he can't focus. He picks up his phone and checks to see if Luke tried to contact him. It's not that he wants to be in constant contact with him, but he's started to feel uneasy when he isn't.

The air in the apartment seems to get thicker the longer he stays, so he changes his clothes and decides to go for that run he told Mike he was going to take. 

With headphones in, he runs with no determined route in mind, just runs, he goes as far and as fast as he can, and then tries to push himself beyond that. For a brief moment, he was thinking about everything, he was thinking about nothing, of course, as soon as he stops to catch his breath, everything he was running to forget is caught back up to him. 

He stops at a corner store on the way back to get a bottle of water and can't resist picking up Mike's favorite kind of ice cream. He jogs at a leisurely pace to make sure he gets home before it starts melting. 

Once he's home, he tosses the ice cream in the freezer, finishes off his bottle of water, and takes the world's quickest shower. He hasn't shaken the shame and guilt of last night's and isn't willing to give his mind time to conjure up any sort of repeat. 

-

By early afternoon he feels like it's not a matter of want anymore, and rather a matter of need. He needs a drink. He feels tense and jittery. 

He has a glass of water instead. 

While he's boring a hole in the floor with his pacing, he sees Mike's messenger bag sitting on the floor. He goes over, picks it up and carries it back to the sofa with him. 

He shuffles through the papers to see if there's anything he can do, not because he has any desire to do it, but because he doesn't know what else to do with himself.

He finds that Mike has a document review that he could probably manage. He takes time to familiarize himself with it and can dig to the bottom of Mike's chaotically unorganized bag to find the flash drive that correlates with it.

He gets his computer out and starts to comb through the massive file to find anything that could allow them to be able to claim privilege. It's just like riding a bicycle, only it's uphill during a blizzard. 

Harvey's barely an hour in and his eyes are blurring and he can't stop yawning. He decides to take a break and make a much-needed cup of coffee. 

He hears the rattle of his phone vibrating against the table while he's getting his coffee. The sound makes him cringe. 

He pours the coffee from the pot into a mug and carries it back over to where he's working. He sits and stares at the phone in front of him, debating whether he'll be worse off for responding to him. 

He doesn't answer it. Maybe it's a mistake, but at the moment it feels like the right move. He doesn't need Luke any more in his head than he already is. He wants to get the work done in front of him and have a nice night out with Mike in the evening. 

-

Harvey closes the laptop a little before 6. He rubs at the back of his neck and rolls his shoulders back to loosen them up. He cleans up in front of him and decides to get dressed. But not in anything fancy, per Mike's request. 

It's around 6:30 when he finishes and Mike still isn't home so he decides to give him a call and see if he's on his way back yet. 

It's a busy signal. Harvey hangs up and figures he'll call back in a few minutes if Mike doesn't walk through the front door by then. 

He does a quick look in the mirror, just long enough to be able to fix the few stray hairs that were sticking up. He slicks them down back into place and then dials Mike's number again. This time it goes straight to voicemail. 

_Hey, Mike...I thought you'd be home by now. Give me a call and let me know where you're at._

Deep breath. Don't panic. There's nothing wrong, he just got busy. Traffic is probably crazy. His phone battery could be getting low. There's plenty of logical reasons that Mike is not home yet. Don't. Panic. 

By 7:30 his resolve to not panic is gone. He's panicking. Mike's phone keeps going to voicemail and his heart and mind are battling to see who can outrace the other. 

He decides to call Sean, not exactly expecting him to answer his call. To his surprise, he does.

"Hello?"

"Sean, this is Harvey. I'm just wondering if Mike is there?"

"What is this about?" 

"Is he there or not, Sean?!" Harvey asks again, this time it sounds more threatening.

"No. He's not here."

"Have you heard from him today?"

There's a long pause. Sean's not sure if Harvey is trying to goad him into admitting something or if he's genuinely asking because something else is going on.

"Sean?"

"He came to my office earlier. We fought. That was hours ago though."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"No, like I said we fought, he stormed out. Is something wrong?"

"I don't know, yet. Call me if you hear anything from him," he says before hanging up. 

"What do you mean you don't know yet? Harvey? Harvey?" Sean asks before realizing the line is dead.

Harvey attempts to call Mike again. It goes to voicemail.

_Where are you, Mike? I'm starting to get a little worried, call me back. Please._

Harvey tries not to entertain the idea that Luke had anything to do with this. He wouldn't, he promised.

\-----

"I didn't think you'd show up."

"I wasn't going to, and I'm not entirely sure I should have. But you sounded like you were in a bad way."

Mike laughs and downs the rest of the drink in front of him. "Don't pretend to care, that's not what I asked you to meet me for. Where is it?"

He glances at him before reaching down into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a key and sliding it across the table to him. 

Mike picks it up and rubs his thumb over the surface of it. 

"Do you remember where it is? And the codes?"

Mike shoots him a look. "Seriously?"

"Ah, right. Goddamn memory."

Mike sticks the key in his pocket. "Can I--buy you a drink?"

There's a brief, fleeting moment where he seems to consider having a drink with him. "No. I'd better not."

There was a time when that would have stung a lot more than it does now, and Mike isn't sure if he's thankful it doesn't anymore, or wishes he still cared enough that it did.

"How's...everything? Good?" Mike asks, and they both know that the dragging out of small talk isn't happening.

"Yeah, it's good. But I really need to get going now, Mike. Whatever it is you're doing...just...be careful. Okay?"

  


For what it's worth, he actually sounds sincere when he says it.

Mike swallows hard. "Yeah, I will. Thanks, Trevor. For bringing this," Mike says, still running his fingers over the key.

Trevor gives Mike a nod and one more pity-filled look before leaving as quickly as he had appeared. 

Mike flags the waitress down so he can pay his tab and go home. While he waits for her to bring it, he figures he'll call Harvey and let him know he's on the way. He reaches into his pocket to grab his phone, only to realize it's missing. 

Shit. 

He checks the area around him, making sure it didn't fall out of his pocket. No luck. He tries to retrace his steps but his memory is pretty fuzzy. He decides to stumble his way to the bathroom to check there. Luckily, he finds there still laying on the sink. 

He sees that he has missed calls and voicemails from Harvey. He doesn't listen to them and just calls home. 

"Mike?" Harvey answers before the phone has barely rung a single time.

"Harvey."

"Where are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm--I'm okay. I just misplaced my phone. I'm on my way home."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'll see you soon."

\-----

Mike doesn't bother fussing with the key to get in once he's home, he instead pounds on the door until Harvey comes to answer it. 

Harvey wraps his arms around Mike, not trusting his eyes and needing to be able to physically feel him in his arms to know he's there. 

"You need to be more careful with your phone."

"I'm not in the mood for a lecture."

"I'm not lecturing you, I'm just saying. I was worried when I couldn't get a hold of you."

"Harvey, it's only," Mike pauses to check his watch. He struggles reading it because all the numbers blur into each other. "It's 9 o'clock'.

"And you were supposed to be home at 7."

"I didn't realize I had a curfew now."

"You don't. But you're the one that told me that you'd be home at 7 so we can go on a date," Harvey reminds.

The realization washes over Mike. "Holy shit. I forgot about that." He scrunches his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "How could I forget that?"

"It's...not a big deal. I was kind of tired tonight, anyway," Harvey lies in an attempt to make him feel better. 

Tears start to fill Mike's eyes and it's built-up frustration more than anything. 

"Please don't cry," Harvey says, quickly positioning himself in front of Mike, placing his hands on either side of his face, ready to wipe at any of the tears threatening to spill over. 

Through teary-eyes Mike moves his mouth forward and kisses Harvey. After not drinking all day, Mike's mouth tastes intoxicating. He wants to kiss him back just for the taste of it, but instead, he pries himself away from him. "Why don't I get you some water and help get you in bed?" he suggests.

"Will you come to bed with me?"

"Sure," Harvey says. "Go get ready, I'll be there in a little bit."

Mike goes into the bedroom. He digs the key out of his jacket pocket and hides it the very back of his top dresser drawer for safekeeping. Hopefully, he'll remember where it's at come tomorrow morning. 

Harvey locks the front door and double-checks it before making his rounds and turning off all the lights. Before he goes back in the room he types a message to Sean saying that Mike is home and okay, he debates with himself whether or not he really wants to send it to him or not, but ultimately sends it. 

Mike is already in bed under the covers and half-asleep by the time Harvey comes in. Harvey puts a bottle of water on the nightstand next to him before grabbing his own clothes to go get changed. 

Mike stirs slightly when Harvey lifts the covers to crawl under them. Harvey reaches over and turns the light off, and Mike adjusts himself so that he can rest his head on Harvey's chest and just listen to him breathing.  


They both lay in silence for a long while and Harvey wonders if Mike drifted to sleep yet.

"Mike?" he whispers.

He doesn't respond and Harvey sighs a heavy sigh.


	31. Chapter 31

Harvey can't sleep, not for lack of trying, but everything in his head is just too loud. He lays there for hours, not wanting to disturb Mike's sleep, but eventually, he starts thinking of _that_ bed and ropes tight around his wrists and weight on top of him and he has to get the fuck up.

Harvey pours a glass of whiskey and escapes to the balcony with it. It's too cold to be outside for long dressed the way he's dressed, but he doesn't plan to be there for long. He sips at his whiskey, happy to be reunited with the familiar burn. He gets out his phone and finally checks the messages that Luke sent yesterday. 

_Have a decision for me yet?_

_I'm starting to get a little impatient._

_Where are you, Harvey?_

He deletes them all and dials Luke's number. It rings long enough that Harvey figures he isn't going to answer and is ready to hang-up. 

"Harvey," Luke answers, and Harvey can tell he had been sleeping.

He checks the time on his phone. It's almost 4 in the morning. "Sorry, I didn't realize it was so late."

"You don't have to apologize. I'm always happy to answer your calls, even if you seem to have been ignoring my texts."

"I wasn't ignoring them," he lies. "There was a situation with Mike earlier, I didn't get a chance to look at them until now."

"Is everything okay?" Luke asks.

He hates that he actually sounds concerned. He fucking _hates_ it. 

"It's fine," he answers. "I want to see you today. So we can discuss things."

"When?"

"How soon can you be here?"

"Uh, about an hour or so. Go down two blocks from where I usually get you, though. Understand?"

"Yeah, sure."

Luke sounds like he's going to say something else, but Harvey hangs up before he can. Whatever he wanted to say can wait. He checks on Mike who is still out cold and hopefully still would be when he got back.

The moon does a well enough job at providing just enough hint of light in the room for Harvey to be able to grab an outfit from the dresser. He moves slowly and silently across the floor and gently pulls the door closed behind him.

Harvey pours a second drink, but nurses it slowly. He doesn't want to be drunk, but he doesn't want to be sober either. He sits and stares at the clock and tries not to think about how fucked up it is that he's willingly going to meet a man that ruined his entire life. 

He leaves a little early, walks slowly. The streets and sidewalks are about as empty as they ever get and the moon peaks in and out of the few clouds that have gathered in the sky.

Harvey checks his watch when he gets to his spot. He's a little early so he sits down on a bench nearby but only manages to sit a few minutes before he needs to get up and pace. He realizes whatever he is doing probably looks shady, but he doesn't think there's anybody around to notice or care. 

A few minutes later, a car pulls up. It's a different car than the last, but Harvey knows it's him. He pulls up alongside Harvey and opens the door for him. 

"Good morning, sunshine."

Harvey puts his seatbelt on and lets his head rest back against the seat. 

"Are you cold?" Luke asks, automatically adjusting the heat in the car. 

"Oh, what? You suddenly care if I'm cold now?" Harvey asks, unable to hide his bitterness. He sure as shit hadn't cared when he had been tied up in the basement shivering so hard that it felt like his bones were rattling inside his body.

"There. That should be better," Luke says, completely ignoring him while he finishes fidgeting with the temperature dial. 

The rest of the ride there is quiet. 

-

Harvey follows Luke inside once they arrive. Luke strips off his jacket and holds his arms out waiting for Harvey to do the same, which he does. Luke opens a small closet in the back of the room and hangs them both up inside. 

"What are you doing?" Luke asks when he comes back to where Harvey is still standing. "Sit down."

Harvey sits. 

"Can I get you anything? A drink? Coffee?" he offers.

"No."

Luke sits down next to Harvey, uncomfortably close. Harvey doesn't bother trying to move away from him.

"Tell me what's on your mind, Harvey."

"I want to know how long."

"How long for what?"

Luke knows what, he just wants to hear Harvey say it.

"How long would you keep Sean for?"

"I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in you right now. I thought you were going to come in with this brilliant counter-offer, you know, offer me something I wouldn't be able to resist. Maybe some self-sacrifice so you could save Sean, but no, you're ready to throw him to the wolves. What did he do to piss you off? Did you find out he's sleeping with your boy or what?"

"He didn't _do_ anything. And I don't want you to have him or anybody for that matter. I want you to just go the fuck away."

Luke smiles and reaches a hand over to grip Harvey's thigh. "I think if you really wanted me to go away you wouldn't be sitting here with me right now."

Harvey pushes Luke's hand off his leg. "You said self-sacrifice, what do you mean by that? You'd take me back instead?"

"I'm willing to consider it."

Harvey swallows around a throat filled with glass. It's the same two-word question he'd asked less than five minutes ago but now the words feel like they're stuck. 

Luke waits patiently for him to ask, eyes focused on him expectantly. 

"How long?" Harvey finally manages to spit out. 

"Two weeks," Luke answers without missing a beat. 

Harvey thinks maybe his plan was to get him to come back all along. 

"And so you can weigh your options properly; three months for Sean and a mere twenty-four hours if you wanted to hand over Mike Ross to me," Luke continues.

"You're _never_ touching Mike," Harvey replies, his voice low and angry.

"I know, I know, " Luke says, holding his hands up in surrender. "But it certainly is fun to think about all the ways I could ruin him in that short amount of time."

Harvey jumps up from where he's sitting to put distance between him and Luke because it's the only thing he can do to stop himself from hitting him. 

Invoking Mike's name is the easiest way to rile Harvey up, a chance to see that feral look in his eyes. Once Luke gets a glimpse of it, he wants to continue to prod, see how far he can push Harvey before the compliant part of him disappears and all he sees is red. 

"Tell me what it's like, Harvey? Seeing those big blue eyes staring up at you from down on his knees. Or don't you have the first-hand experience with that?"

"Shut the fuck up," Harvey warns. 

"There's my answer. By the way, you really need to get on that, the poor kid must be so sexually frustrated. That is if he isn't getting fucked senseless by Cahill."

Harvey lunges forward and grips a handful of Luke's shirt in his fist, pulling him slightly off the couch and towards him, his other hand swinging down and connecting with his mouth.

He's momentarily stunned, and it makes Harvey let go of his grip on the shirt, Luke sliding back down against the couch when he does. Luke dabs at his lip with the back of his hand and sees the blood from where Harvey had split his lip and suddenly breaks into laughter. "Is that it?" he asks. 

Luke gets up off the couch and closes in on him. He lifts his chin towards Harvey. "Go ahead, hit me again."

"I'm not--I don't want to hit you again."

"I shouldn't be the only one that gets to have fun. Come on, Harvey. I _want_ you to hurt me," Luke says, inching even closer yet. 

"Luke, stop."

Luke places a hand on the back of Harvey's neck, and Harvey wants to pull away but his feet are cemented where he stands. Luke pulls him forward and brushes against Harvey's lips with his own, before turning Harvey's head and whispering "Please," hot against his ear. It sends a shiver down his spine and he knows Luke noticed it.

Luke let's go of Harvey all at once, casually strolling over to the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing out two beers. He walks back over and holds one out to Harvey. Harvey shakes his head and Luke shrugs, popping the top off of his and sitting back down on the couch.

"You know, it won't be as bad this time. If you come back. I'll be more gentle with you."

"Why even let me go in the first place?"

Luke takes a sip of his beer. "To see what would happen, and to see if I could trust you. Which, barring a few hiccups, I learned I can."

"If I do it, how do I know you'll leave me alone?" Harvey hates that he's even entertaining the idea right now. 

"I guess you can't know for sure, but I give you my word that I will. I'll never contact you at all after the two weeks is up."

In the grand scheme of things, two weeks isn't long. He'd survived seven months, but even thinking about being back there for even another minute, tied up and helpless, makes him panic. 

"It's a good deal, Harvey. But, I'll gladly take Sean off your hands though if you can't do it."

"I don't--I don't know. I need time to think about it."

"I understand. Do you think you can give me a decision in a week?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Good," Luke says with a smile that is anything but nice. "You sure you don't want this beer?" he offers again.

"I want to go home."

"After I finish my beer I'll take you. Until then, sit down, you're making me uncomfortable just standing there."

Harvey sits, leg anxiously bouncing all the while Luke slowly sips at his beer and continues with small talk that Harvey is forced to participate in. 

-

Mike is still asleep when he gets back and he's never been more thankful. He changes back into his pajamas and crawls back into the bed with them. Mike doesn't even move, and as much as Harvey wants to wrap his arms around him and just hold him for a long while, he refrains from doing so out of fear of waking him up. He's okay with just watching him. The slow rise and fall of his chest. The way he sleeps with his mouth slightly open. 

Mike is the best thing to ever happen to him and something he knows he doesn't deserve in a million years. Two weeks and he could have his life back. They could have _their_ life back. 

-

Harvey's still awake when Mike yawns and stretches his arms above his head, before rolling over to face him. 

He smiles at Harvey and it's sleepy and sweet and makes Harvey's heart hurt in a good way. 

"Good morning," he says. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay," Harvey says, despite not getting a single second of sleep. He's too afraid to close his eyes, too afraid of the things he'll see when he does. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday."

Harvey reaches a hand up and traces Mike's jawline with his fingers until they rest beneath his chin. "It's not a big deal," he says, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "We'll re-schedule, okay?"

"It's just--"

Harvey kisses him again. 

"I really--"

And again.

"Okay," Mike finally agrees.

Harvey can't help but smile at the small victory. 

"I like that," Mike says.

"Like what?"

"When you smile."

It's not meant to, but the comment makes the smile fade from Harvey's face. Mike wishes he would have just savored it instead of pointing it out. 

"I need to get a shower."

"So do I. We could take one together...you know, water conservation and all that..." Mike suggests. 

"I, uh, I don't know if I can do that, Mike." 

"Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I was just trying to be flirty and--"

"It's okay," Harvey responds, forcing a smile. "You go ahead and get yours first. Just save me some hot water."

"I will."

Mike crawls out from beneath the comforter and stretches once his feet hit the floor. He yawns and runs his hand through messy hair before turning back to Harvey and smiling. He pads across the floor and into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him.

\-----

They both shower and have breakfast together. Harvey has coffee, and Mike has coffee and toast, he doesn't feel hungover but he doesn't want to risk eating anything more than that.

While Harvey was showering, Mike had noticed that his flash drive was missing from his bag and figured out that Harvey had to have been working on something. He thinks about bringing it up to him but decides to hold off and wait for Harvey to mention it. He leaves the flash drive where it is, so he can continue to work on it if he chooses. He misses working with Harvey terribly, but he understands why he doesn't feel like he can right now and he knows it would be selfish to push him on it. 

Once Mike is finished with his breakfast, he brushes his teeth and they share a kiss goodbye before Mike heads off to work. 

-

Mike settles in at Harvey's desk, still unwilling to go back to his own. He takes a few phone calls and goes over multiple documents and has back-to-back conference meetings that eat up most of the day.  
He's so busy that he doesn't have time to think beyond the things that aren't directly in front of him. And then lunch rolls around and he retreats to his desk, he takes a deep breath, leans back in the chair and allows himself a brief minute to breathe. 

He reaches inside his jacket pocket and pulls out the key Trevor had given him. He had planned to use his lunch break for this but decides to just take the rest of the day off, he's not going to want to come back after this anyway.

He calls for a driver to meet him downstairs, tucks the key back away, and leaves.

The drive takes a while, especially in mid-day traffic, but once they're beyond the city it doesn't take long to get there.

"Stop here," Mike informs. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure," Mike says. "Are you okay with waiting for me? I'll only be about 15 minutes tops."

"Sure thing."

Mike thanks him and gets out of the car and approaches the front gate surrounding the storage units. It's been years since he's been here. He enters the code on the dial pad and holds his breath hoping it still works. The light turns green and the gate slowly opens, screeching metal clanging all the way.

He walks in and heads towards the one in the back corner. The next step is getting the padlock undone. He flips it up and clicks in the four-digit code for that and gives it a yank. It doesn't work, so he resets and renters it, this time it works. 

He takes it off and bends down and slides the door open. 

This is where most of his parent's things had ended up. The things that Mike needed to physically keep because just the memory of it wouldn't suffice. He used to visit it all the time, but the visits became less frequent over the years and the last time he had visited was to add Grammy's stuff to it. 

As he walks through, he picks up a thing here or there, but it all starts to make him too sad and he just wants to get what he came for and leave. 

He searches around, moves things around, and eventually finds the black box tucked away in the back corner of the unit. 

He sits down on the floor with it in his lap and pulls out the key that Trevor had given to him. He inserts it and takes a deep breath before turning the key. It clicks and with shaky hands, he opens it up to reveal a gun. 

It's from an extremely shady situation Trevor had gotten them into many years ago. An untraceable firearm that Mike had begged Trevor to get rid of, even if it meant throwing it into the damn Hudson. But somehow Trevor had convinced him, just the way he had always been so good at doing, to just keep it locked up here instead. Mike never felt right about it, but as time went on it almost felt less risky to just let it remain where it was instead of moving it anywhere. 

Mike carefully takes it out of the box and holds it in his hand, just to feel the weight of it. It makes something inside his stomach twist, and he immediately puts it back in the box and relocks it. He carries it back to the car and slides it into his messenger bag.

He doesn't have a plan just yet, but he has a gun and he has a direct line of communication with Luke and that's as good of a start to a plan as any.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't believe i'm still writing this shit lol many thanks (and apologies) to anybody still reading, you guys are the mvps!

When Mike gets home he finds Harvey sprawled out on the couch, feet propped up. The tv is on but he isn't paying attention to it, and Mike has seen it often enough to know that it's just because Harvey doesn't like it when things get too quiet.

"Hey," he says, walking in and pressing a soft kiss to Harvey's forehead. 

He carries his bag back into the bedroom and takes the gun out and tucks it away in the far corner of the closet, a place Harvey never goes, where he has no chance of finding it. He brings the messenger bag back out and sits it in its usual spot. 

He walks back to where Harvey is and Harvey immediately lifts his legs to make room for him to sit down. 

"Everything okay?" Mike asks, slightly concerned that Harvey still hasn't said a word to him.

"I'm just tired."

"When's the last time you slept?"

"I don't know, a couple of days."

"I could get you some warm milk and see if that helps."

Harvey makes a disgusted face. "Warm milk? I'm not a cat, Mike."

Mike laughs. "It's supposed to help you sleep, my Grammy used to make it for me when I was having trouble sleeping because of nightmares."

"And that worked?"

"Sometimes."

"I'm going to pass for now, but if I get desperate enough I will give your cat milk a shot."

Mike rolls his eyes at him. "You realize cats aren't actually supposed to have milk, right?" 

"I think you've been spending too much time with Louis. Maybe I need to come back to work just to save you from him."

"Yeah, that'd be nice," Mike replies fondly.

"I am going to come back, you know that, right? I just need some time." Harvey's not sure if he believes it himself, but he wants Mike to be able to. 

"I know you will," he says and Harvey isn't exactly convinced.

They leave it at that and watch whatever is on tv for a while in silence. Eventually, they move enough to be able or order take-out, neither of them eating a lot, but enough so that their stomachs stop rumbling.

They both decide to go to bed early, though neither can fall asleep. They toss and turn and Mike throws a limb over Harvey and then takes it away to position himself a different way.

Harvey eventually slides out from under the covers. "I'll be right back," he whispers.

It feels like Harvey is gone forever and Mike is starting to wonder if he's actually coming back to bed, but not long after that thought, he returns. He walks to his side of the bed, sets something down, crawls back into bed, and flips on the light on his nightstand.

Mike rolls over to see what's going on, and Harvey reaches over and hands Mike a glass of warm milk, before picking up his own "Cheers?" he asks.

"Cheers," Mike repeats, as they clink their glasses together. 

Mike takes several big gulps of his while Harvey struggles to get a few small sips down. 

"This is terrible," Harvey complains.

"Just drink it, don't be a baby."

"If I were a baby, I'm sure I would be enjoying it more."

Harvey forces down as much as he can. If he could get past the concept, it wouldn't be so bad. He does kind of feel warm from the inside out. 

They finish up and Harvey turns the light back off, and Mike curls into him. "I love you," he says sleepily. 

He doesn't know why Mike held out on the 'I love you's' for so long, but he's glad they seem to roll freely off his tongue nowadays. It's something he _needs_ to hear. 

"I love you, too," Harvey says back before pulling him a little closer. He listens as Mike's breath slowly starts to even out as he drifts off to sleep. 

It takes much longer for Harvey to fall asleep, and it's likely nothing to do with warm milk but rather his body's inability to stay awake any longer than it's been. 

Like always, he dreams of being back _there_.

_It won't be as bad this time. If you come back. I'll be more gentle with you._

Harvey dreams of being tied up, arms numb and aching. He dreams of Luke's fingers curling around his throat and cutting off his breath, not letting go until his body stops moving completely. He feels the heat from the cigarettes being pressed to his thighs. The ones Luke would sit and smoke in front of him for the sole purpose of being able to use Harvey to put them out on.

And then he dreams of _that_ room, and _that_ mattress and nothing that has happened there has ever been fucking _gentle_ and there's no way it ever could be.

Everything replays in his head in excruciatingly vivid detail over and over until all the air feels like it's been sucked out of the room, and he's left alone and gasping for something that is no longer there.

He jolts awake, soaked with sweat, shaking and wide-eyed with fear. Mike is startled awake by it, and still disoriented by sleep, he makes the mistake of trying to touch him to calm him down. Harvey panics and screams a mixture of, _stop, don't touch me_ and _please_ , before retreating from the bed and backing himself into the closest corner next to it.

Mike turns on the light so Harvey can see and know where he is.

"Harvey, it's okay," Mike tries to reassure, his own heart lodged firmly in his throat.

Mike gets out of bed and walks over to where Harvey is, and crouches down in front of him, making sure to still keep enough distance between them.

"Harvey, can you look at me?"

Harvey has his hands covering his face and Mike's not even sure Harvey is even fully awake yet.

"It was just a nightmare," Mike says and realizes how fucking stupid it sounds the second it comes out of his mouth. It's not _just_ a nightmare. It never is. 

Harvey reaches shaky hands up to cover his face and Mike is pretty sure he's crying. "I-I don't know if I can do it again. I don't know. I don't know," he repeats.

Mike doesn't have any clue what he's talking about. "Don't know if you can do what again, Harvey?"

Harvey doesn't answer, just sobs harder, and Mike wants so badly to reach out and pull him into a hug and hold him until he's okay. 

Instead, he is reduced to just sitting on the floor with him, which works all the same because his breathing finally mellows and his hands mostly stop shaking and I'm sorry is the first thing out of his mouth. He just really breaks Mike's fucking heart sometimes. 

"You don't have to apologize, Harvey." 

Mike extends his hand, unsure if Harvey would take it or not, but he does and Mike helps pull him to his feet and guides him to the edge of the bed so he can sit.

"Wait right here, I'll go get you a change of clothes."

Harvey nods and Mike goes to the dresser and gets him a clean, dry outfit. He brings it back to him and Harvey takes it and goes into the bathroom to change while Mike changes the sheets on the bed so Harvey wouldn't have to sleep in a damp spot.

Harvey comes out of the bathroom with new, dry clothes on, but he still looks utterly defeated. He's holding a towel in his hand but sees that Mike is putting new sheets on the bed.

"I was, uh, just going to put a towel down. You didn't have to go to all that trouble," Harvey says, sounding a little embarrassed. 

"It's not any trouble. I have been meaning to change these things anyway."

Harvey helps Mike finish up with the sheets and they both get back in bed. They turn off the lights and Mike doesn't touch Harvey, instead of letting him decide if physical contact is something he wants or needs right now.

"I don't think I can fall back asleep. I don't think I want to," Harvey admits.

"It's okay. We'll just lay here then." 

Harvey sighs and rests his head against Mike's shoulder. Even though he seems okay now, Mike can't get the terrified look that had been on Harvey's face out of his head. 

Mike starts to stroke Harvey's hair at some point, and Harvey doesn't tell him to stop so he keeps doing it until the room is filled with the sound of Harvey's deep, shallow breathing. He's never known Harvey to have two nightmares in a row, most likely because his body is too drained after the first, but he makes sure to stay awake, just in case. 

\-----

Mike is able to slip out of bed when morning comes, satisfied enough that Harvey is okay and will probably be waking up soon. 

He makes coffee because without that he's not going to be able to function. He also decides to make breakfast, because why not. He's up and he needs the distraction, so he gathers the ingredients he needs to make french toast and starts cooking. 

He's finishing up the first batch when Harvey enters the kitchen. He still looks so very tired. He walks up behind where Mike is standing and offers a 'good morning', and a quick peck on the lips, followed by an 'I need coffee'. 

Mike directs him to the coffee and he uses one of the two mugs Mike had already put out on the counter. He fills it to the top, asks Mike if he needs any help, which, of course, Mike declines, so he sits down at the kitchen table. 

"Do you want syrup? Jam?" Mike asks.

"Syrup's fine," he replies.

Mike puts two pieces on a place and places it in front of Harvey, with the bottle of syrup to follow suit. 

"Bon appétit."

"Thank you."

Mike gets his plate and joins Harvey at the table. He grabs the syrup from Harvey after he's done and dumps it on and knows Harvey is judging him for the amount he puts on. Harvey surprisingly doesn't say anything, he just continues to poke around at his food. 

They eat mostly in silence. The sound of forks scraping plates and coffee cups being picked up and sat back down providing all the ambiance they need. 

"Can I ask you something?" Mike finally says.

"About?" Harvey replies, not wanting to outright agree to answer anything.

"Last night, during, you know...everything. You said you don't know if you can do it again. What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I don't remember even saying it." Harvey definitely knows and he definitely remembers saying it.

"Oh. Okay."

Mike seems content enough with the answer that he doesn't question it any further and instead picks his fork back up and continues eating and Harvey is relieved by it.

\-----

The next few days blend into the next. Mike goes to work, and Harvey stays home. At first, he fills his days with drinking but slowly cuts back on it, not wanting every minute he spends with Mike to be in a haze.

Luke doesn't contact him and he doesn't contact Luke. Sometimes, Harvey can forget about him. Forget about the huge dark cloud that hangs over his head, and pretends that he can just be normal, but that feeling never lasts long enough to make him get used to the idea. 

On the nights that Harvey can fall asleep, he has nightmares. They're not as bad as the one that night had been, but they take their toll all the same. Most of them go unnoticed by Mike. He's able to crawl out of bed and rush into the bathroom and stay there until he's calmed himself down. Mike only notices in the morning when Harvey's in different clothes and sleeping on a towel, but he never says anything to Harvey about it, and Harvey knows it's not because he doesn't care or doesn't want to, but rather because he prefers it that way. Harvey always changes the sheets after Mike leaves for work.

He thinks maybe there was never much of a choice. Mike was never an option and while he had entertained the idea of Sean, he never actually considered it. He couldn't. Three months would destroy him. Sean had gone to great lengths to help him get Mike out of prison, and maybe he had an ulterior motive for doing it, but it didn't matter, he had helped. That's what matters to him.

Harvey gets a phone call from an unknown number in the middle of the day, exactly one week from when they had last spoken. 

"Hello?"

"Harvey. I've missed you," he says, his tone fond in a way that makes Harvey's stomach twist into knots. "Tell me you've got some good news for me."

"I'll do it."

"What was that?"

Harvey knows he heard him perfectly the first time but just wants to hear him say it again. "I'll come back to you."

"You're making the right decision," Luke assures and Harvey can hear his wicked smile through the phone. "Can you meet me today so we can go over some details?"

"Yeah, I guess. Mike gets home at 6, so I have to be back before then."

"Don't worry, I'll have you home in time. Meet me in an hour, the same place as last time. Okay?"

"Okay."

-

Luke doesn't ask this time and instead starts by pouring them both a drink. He holds it out to Harvey and he doesn't refuse but sits it down on the small table that sits to the side of the couch. 

Luke sits down next to him, turns in so that he's able to face him with his knee pressed up against his. Harvey doesn't bother to move it. It doesn't matter anymore. 

"What's on your mind, Harvey?"

"What am I supposed to do about Mike?"

"Of all the things you could be worried about, you're worried about _Mike_?"

"I can't just abandon him."

"I'm sorry, Harvey, but that's _exactly_ what needs to happen for this to go smoothly. You can't tell him anything. Just disappearing will be easier. You'll be back in no time at all. You have to remember he managed _months_ without you, he will be able to handle a few days."

"I just don't want to hurt him."

"What you're doing is _for_ him, is it not? All I need is a little more time with you before I give you up forever. After that, it's just you and the kid. I'll _never_ bother you again. I promise."

Luke reaches over and uses two fingers to prop Harvey's chin up so he has nowhere to look but right at him. "Can you do this one last thing for me, Harvey? Please?" 

Luke's very hard to say no to. Not when there's something that resembles kindness behind his eyes and all the sharp edges are gone from his voice and everything about him suddenly seems very vulnerable.

"You said it won't be as bad. That you'd be gentle. Did you mean that?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I'd never hurt you. I care about you."

Harvey knows that's a lie because he's almost exclusively done nothing _but_ hurt him but Luke says in a way that sounds like it couldn't possibly be a lie and there's some part of Harvey that feels like he almost has to believe it if he wants to be able to actually go through with this.

"I'm going to give you three days. Go home, spend them with Mike, maybe go out for a nice dinner, and just enjoy your time with him. Try not to think about me and what you're doing. I'll give you a call after those three days are up and I'll come to get you. Does that sound okay?"

Harvey nods yes, afraid of his voice wavering if he speaks. 

"Good boy. Let's get you out of here and back home to Mike," he says, getting up and extending a hand to take. Harvey gets up on his own, brushing past Luke on his way out to the car. 

\-----

Mike goes to work but he doesn't do anything productive when he's there. He looks over a few files, but he's too in his head and distracted to be very useful.

He thinks about the gun a lot. Wonders if he could pull the trigger on it. Injure Luke. Kill him. If he thinks about all the shit that Luke has done to Harvey long enough he figures he probably could.

Since he's not getting anything accomplished at work, he decides to just call it a day and go home. He tucks everything away in his bag and leaves. Louis tries to stop him on the way out but Mike is quick enough in pushing the button for the elevator doors to close. 

Harvey isn't home when he gets there, but he also didn't think he'd be home early so Mike figures he probably went out on a run.

He thinks about Luke's number. Scrolls to it where he had entered it on his phone for safekeeping. For all he knows, it's not Luke's number anymore and he's more at square one than he even realizes. 

He debates just calling it on his phone. The debating quickly turns into agonizing. 

"Fuck it," he says to himself and dials. 

It rings. And rings. And Mike realizes that he probably should have blocked his number before calling. Fuck. Idiot. Too late now. 

"Hello?" the voice answers. It's the same voice as before. 

Shit. He can't do this. It's a mistake. He is just about ready to hit the button to hang up when--

"Mike?" 

If he wasn't panicking before, he certainly is now. 

"Yeah. Who is this?" Mike says, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Now come on, Mike. You're a clever boy, I think you know the answer to that. I have to say, it's good to have the chance to speak to you again."

"Again?" Mike asks. 

"I'm a little hurt you don't remember me, kid. You were pretty out of it that night, but I hear that memory of yours is something else, so I'm a little surprised. I guess I couldn't make an impression on you quite the way I did with Harvey. How has he been, by the way?"

"Don't you dare fucking talk about him," Mike threatens.

Luke laughs. "Or what? You'll come to find me? I think you've tried that before and didn't have the best of luck. Harvey was certainly thankful for the extra time with me, though, so in a way, I guess I owe you one."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Calm down, kid."

"Meet me somewhere. Let's talk face to face."

"Maybe later, I'm a little busy right now. Keep in touch though, I like talking to you. And tell Harvey I miss him."

The call disconnects before Mike can say anything else. 

"Fuck!" Mike shouts before punching the wall closest to him. Small, white flakes of plaster rain down and gather on the floor below.

-

Once Mike calms down some he runs his hand under cold water, rinsing the blood from his knuckles. They are pretty swollen, but Mike doesn't think he broke anything, which is good. After he finishes running water over them until the water runs clean, he dabs them dry before getting an ice pack out of the freezer and sitting at the table with it laying across.

Mike replays the conversation with him in his head until something clicks. He had said they met before, and that Mike was pretty out of it, and then the way he called him kid starts to re-jog his memory.

He remembers the stranger in the bar buying him a drink, and he remembers Sean taking him home. Everything between those things is still fuzzy. 

He gets out his phone and dials Sean's number. It rings a few times before going to voicemail.

"Sean, it's Mike. I know I shouldn't be calling you but there's something urgent I need to ask you about. Please call me back."

He hangs up the phone and hopes Sean calls him back but he would understand why and not fault him for it if he didn't. 

Not long after, he hears keys at the front door, and Harvey walks through the door. He hasn't even had time to come up with a lie he can tell him about why there's now a hole in their wall. 

Harvey doesn't notice the hole in the wall, but sees Mike with the ice pack on his hand and rushes over. "Woah, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just did a little re-decorating," Mike says, pointing towards the wall.

"You did that?" Harvey says, sounding surprised. "Why?"

"Just had a bad day at work. Let a client get in my head."

"Let me see," Harvey says before sliding his hand under Mike's and proceeding the lift the ice pack up to assess the damage. He grimaces at it. "Do you need to go to the doctor?"

"No, I think I'm okay. I don't think anything is broken."

"Good. Is the work thing something I can help with?"

"I think I have it figured out now. Apparently, punching walls is a good way to get some clarity. I appreciate the offer though."

"Yeah, of course. Let me know if anything changes."

"I will."

"Hey, uh, I guess kind of a weird question now, given your...situation, but I was wondering if you'd be up for going on that date we talked about?"

"Seriously?"

"It's fine if you're not feeling up to it, I just--"

"Harvey."

"Yeah?"

"I would love to go on a date with you."

"I know you said not to dress fancy, but what is their stance on bloody knuckles?"

"They're actually a requirement, so if you want to go choose a wall to punch and get to it, that'd be great," Mike jokes.

It makes Harvey laugh, just a little bit, but it's enough to make Mike forget about everything for just a moment.


	33. Chapter 33

Mike changes into a red t-shirt and his favorite pair of jeans, and Harvey opts for wearing a pair of dark slacks and layering a navy v-neck jumper over a white dress shirt. He knows he could have thrown on a pair of jeans and grabbed the first t-shirt he saw and it wouldn't have made a difference, but he wants to look good for Mike. 

"Wow. You look nice," Mike says, catching a glimpse of Harvey behind him in the mirror while he finishes trying to do something with his hair.

"Thanks. You too," Harvey says. "You just need-" he starts and stops, instead of moving forward and helping Mike slick down a cowlick. 

He then goes around Mike and opens the medicine cabinet and grabs out a tube of Neosporin. "Can I?"

"Uh, sure," Mike replies. 

Harvey twists off the cap and takes Mike's hand into his, proceeding to dab the ointment where his knuckles are red and split.

"There you go," he says when he finishes. He puts the cap back on, puts it away, and washes his hands. 

"Thanks, Harvey."

They hang out in the living room together until their ride comes and then they are out the door and on their way. 

\-----

"We're here," Mike says after the car pulls up close to the curb and slows to a stop. 

"Are you sure?" Harvey says, peering out the window and not seeing anything particularly noteworthy. 

"Yes, I'm sure. Come on," he says, opening his door and getting out. He comes around to Harvey's side to get his door for him but Harvey's already gotten out on his own and in the process of closing it behind him by the time he gets there. 

It's a small place wedged at the very end of the street. There's not much in the way of signage and Harvey thinks he could probably drive past this place every day of his life and never notice it's here.

Mike leads him inside, holding the door for him as he walks through and they're instantly greeted by an overly cheerful 20-something, with bright pink-rimmed glasses and a head full of blonde-curls who asks them if they prefer a table or booth. Mike chooses booth with a nod of approval from Harvey and she leads them back to one somewhere in the middle of the restaurant. 

The decor is 50's retro, completely with checkered floors and a vintage jukebox in the corner. There's not an overabundance of people, but there's enough chatter to give a nice ambiance to the place. 

"There will be a waitress with you shortly," she informs them, before turning to walk away. 

Before she gets more than ten feet away, a waitress is swooping in and placing a menu in front of each of them. 

"Mikey?" the waitress says. She's an older lady, probably nearing her 60's if not already in them.

Mike looks up at her, instantly recognizing her. "Oh, hey, Dee. Good to see you," he says, getting up to greet her with a hug.

"Oh you know, I'm hanging on like a hair on a biscuit. How are you? It's been forever since I've seen you come around here." Her accent is certainly not from around these parts.

"I'm doing pretty good. Uh, this is my boyfriend, Harvey," he introduces, pointing towards him.

"Boyfriend?" she says, eyebrow quirked. "Weren't you engaged to that girl?"

"Yeah," Mike says, laughing nervously. "That's a..., well, it's a long story."

"I think it's one that I might like to hear sometime," she says. "It's very nice to meet you, Harvey," she says with a hand extended.

Harvey smiles and shakes her hand. "Nice to meet you as well."

"Would you like a minute to look over the menu, hun?" she directs towards Harvey.

"Yes, please."

"Sure thing. Can I get you boys something to drink in the meantime? Mikey? The usual?"

"Absolutely."

"What's 'the usual'?" Harvey inquires.

"Peanut butter banana milkshake. You have to try it, Harvey. Have to."

"Okay, I guess you should make it two then," Harvey says.

"All right, sweetheart. I'll go grab those for you and be right back to get your order."

As soon as she's out of earshot Harvey shoots Mike an incredulous look. " _Mikey_?" he mouths with a smile plastered on his face. "Really?"

"Real mature," Mike says.

"More mature than being a grown man called Mikey."

"In my defense, she started calling me that way back when I was still coming here with Grammy. It just kind of stuck and unfortunately never un-stuck."

"It's kind of cute. Sort of. I mean it could be worse anyway" Harvey says. 

"Like having Reginald as a middle name?" Mike fires back.

"Ooh. That hurts. But fair enough. So besides a sugar-filled milkshake, what's good to actually eat here?" 

"Double bacon cheeseburger with loaded fries is my go-to. It's never steered me wrong."

"That sounds dangerous. But, you know what, I'll trust you and order the same."

Shortly after, she comes back with the milkshakes. "One for you. And one for you," she says as the glass they're on clinks against the table. She pulls out her notepad and pen. "Now what can I get you to eat?"

"Double bacon cheeseburger, no pickles, and the loaded fries. Burger done medium well, please."

"No surprise there," she says as she jots it down and then directs her attention towards Harvey. "How about you, darling?"

"I'll have the same, but keep the pickles on mine."

She makes a quick scribble and proceeds to gather up their menus. "All right, I'll be back shortly. If you need anything between then just give me a holler."

"Thank you," they both say at the same time. 

"Okay, try your milkshake," Mike says. 

It looks delicious. Rich peanut butter, with fresh bananas scattered throughout, topped off with a mountain of whipped cream. Harvey brings his straw to his mouth and takes a sip. It's so thick that it takes some real effort to get any up the straw and into his mouth.

"Incredible, right?" Mike says, not waiting for an answer and taking a sip of his own. 

"Goddamn it, that _is_ incredible," Harvey responds.

Mike would probably offer an I told you so if he wasn't so busy drinking his milkshake. Their food comes out not too long after that and it's equally delicious.

They eat and talk, and Harvey doesn't think about anything but what's right there happening in front of him. Harvey doesn't have a photographic memory but he's taking extra note of the way Mike laughs and the way his smile reaches his eyes and seems to make them shine brighter. He's memorizing every stupid joke he tells and the way he can hardly ever get them out because he's starting to laugh long before he gets to the punch line. Even the annoying way he sucks his straw to get the very last bit of milkshake out of his glass seems particularly endearing. He doesn't want to forget a single detail about any of it or the way it makes him feel. 

After they finish, they say goodbye to Dee, and she cups a hand over the side of her mouth to block Harvey's view and whispers that she thinks Harvey's a keeper.

"He certainly is," Mike replies, smiling at Harvey because he knows he heard every word because she meant for him to hear it.

They make sure they leave a very generous tip. 

-  
The ride home is mostly silent, but it's a comfortable silence. They're both full and tired and are okay with just existing next to each other. 

Mike's phone rings on the way home and startles both of them. He digs it out and looks at the caller ID. It's Sean and he should answer it, but he shoves it back into his pocket instead.

"Who was that?" Harvey asks.

"I didn't recognize the number. I'm sure they'll leave a message if it's anything important." 

-  
Once they're home they brush their teeth and change into comfy clothes, and meet back at the couch. Mike drags a blanket with him and tosses it over the both of them when he sits down and Harvey wraps an arm around Mike, and they both shift to get comfortable before Mike leans his head against Harvey's shoulder. 

Halfway through the movie and Harvey couldn't tell you a single thing about it. The only time he looked at the screen was when Mike turned his head to look up at him and he had to quickly avert his eyes and pretend like he hadn't been staring at him the whole time. 

Mike falls asleep sometime before the credits roll, his head getting heavier on Harvey's shoulder when he does. 

Harvey's eyes flutter shut a few times, but he fights to keep them open. He doesn't want to sleep and risk a nightmare, doesn't want to be back there with _him_ any sooner than he has to.

-

Harvey thinks about trying to convince Mike to stay home in the morning. Every second away from him is wasted time. He doesn't though because he doesn't want a change in routine to be the reason Mike figures anything out. He lets him go because he has to. He's so very tired of doing the things he has to.

Sean never left a voicemail last night, nor did he ever call back so Mike calls him almost as soon as he is out of the house and away from Harvey. 

It rings multiple times and Mike is mentally preparing himself to be stuck leaving another voicemail but the phone picks up.

"What's going on?" are the first words out of Sean's mouth. "You leave a message saying it's urgent that I get back to you but then don't answer your phone."

"I know, sorry. I just got busy."

"Maybe send me a message next time or something so I'm not worrying that something catastrophic has happened to you. It takes three seconds, Mike."

"Okay. I said I'm sorry."

"What was so urgent?"

"Do you remember the night I got really fucked up at that bar and you ended up coming and helping me get home?"

"I vaguely remember that. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you remember the guy I was with at all?"

"The random guy you were getting ready to willingly hop into a car with? Yeah, I remember. What about it?"

"I think that may have been Luke."

"What? Why would you think that?"

Mike goes silent on the other end. 

"Mike?"

"I called the number again and talked to him. He says we met before, and that's the only thing I can think of."

"Jesus Christ, Mike."

"Don't be mad at me, Sean."

"I _am_ mad though. You're being a fucking idiot by continuing to do shit like this."

"Can you just give me a description of him?"

"Why? What are you going to do? Call him again and ask him to meet you in some dark alleyway? Is that it?"

"No, I just--"

"Do you ever think there's a reason you don't remember what he looks like or anything much about that night? You have a photographic memory, Mike. Maybe he slipped you something. You were out of it that night, more than just being drunk." 

"I didn't get drugged," Mike denies, but realizes that it makes a lot of sense. He's never been one to forget faces, no matter how drunk he'd gotten in the past.

"Yeah, you just have it all figured out." Sean pushes a long, slow breath out. "I have to go, Mike, I have court in less than fifteen minutes. I can talk to you when I get out if you still want."

Sean hangs up before Mike has a chance to respond, not that he had anything to respond with anyway. 

Mike realizes he needs a different approach and since Sean isn't going to help him, he figures the next best option is to go straight to the source. He dials Luke's number.

He picks up before Mike has time to give any thought to what he's actually doing. 

"Mike," he answers. "If you keep contacting me, I'm afraid Harvey's going to start to get jealous."

"I want to see you," Mike says bluntly.

"Why is that?"

"I just need to. I have questions that I need answers to. Things that Harvey can't or won't tell me."

"I don't think it's a good idea for me to be sharing things about Harvey without having his consent first. Don't you agree?"

His tone is mocking and it makes Mike clench his fists and he has to do everything in his power to swallow his anger down enough to respond. "Okay. I still want to talk. We can meet someplace public, so you know I won't do anything."

That draws a hearty laugh from Luke. "Do anything like _what_? I would love to know what exactly it is you think you would do to me."

"If the answer is no, I'm hanging up now."

"Hold up, kid. I didn't say no. But I'm picking the location and the time."

"Fine. When?"

"I'll send you a text when I decide. I look forward to seeing you again," Luke says before disconnecting the call.

It's a bad, bad idea, but one that he figures common sense will prevail over and he'll be able to talk himself out of it by the time Luke ever gets back to him. 

\-----

Mike is home for a little while before he notices the patio door just slightly cracked open. He goes over and slides it the rest of the way open, finding Harvey sitting out on the chair. 

"I didn't think you were home," he says as he sits down in the empty chair next to him. "Getting some fresh air?"

"Something like that."

"Everything good?"

The question lingers in the air long enough for Mike to think Harvey isn't going to answer it. 

"Do you think I fucked everything up by not going to the police? I want the truth, too," he adds looking directly at Mike.

"I don't think you fucked everything up, for starters. But, do I wish you would have gone to the police from the get-go? Yes. But I also understand why you didn't."

"Do you though? Understand? Because I don't know if I do most days. I don't want him to go to jail and it's hard for me to make sense of why that is. I've wanted people in jail, hell, I've helped _put_ people in jail for far less than what he did to me." Harvey leans forward and props his elbows on his knees and rubs his hands over his face in frustration. "I just want this all to be over."

"Do you ever worry that he's going to come after you again?"

Harvey's hands drop fast and his head snaps towards Mike. "What? No. Why would you even ask something like that?"

"You told me once that Trevor was an anchor dragging me down, well maybe Luke is your anchor."

"That's not the same thing. Trevor was your _friend_."

There's something to be said about the way Harvey has protected and continues to protect Luke like he _is_ his friend, but Mike doesn't and wouldn't ever dare say anything, though he suspects Harvey may have had the same thought because he's suddenly getting up out of his chair to go back inside, the conversation seemingly over. 

"Harvey--" Mike says as he walks in front of him.

"Come on, let's get something to drink."

"Sure," Mike says, getting up to follow him back inside and to the kitchen.

-

They have a beer together and Harvey suggests they go for a walk and grab dinner somewhere, Mike is more than happy to oblige. 

They end up getting dinner from a random food truck and look for a nice quiet spot in the park to enjoy it together. Except for their conversation today, Harvey has seemed different, not necessarily in a bad way. Mike's noticed he's not drinking as much, that he knows of anyway, and he seems more present. It shouldn't be concerning, not at all, but for some inexplicable reason, it worries Mike. 

He chalks it up to his paranoia. Maybe Harvey isn't the one acting differently, maybe it's him, maybe he's acting differently as a means of overcompensating for the guilt he feels. After all, in a matter of a few days, he's met with Trevor, brought a gun into the home they are sharing and contacted Luke, and not only just contacted him but asked to meet with him. Those things all weigh heavily on him.

They stay at the park talking until sunlight is replaced with the soft glow of the street lamps that line the pathway of the park. There's a bit of a chill in the air and neither of them had thought to bring their jacket since they had no intention of staying out as long as they did.

Mike shivers and Harvey notices it and that's their official cue to leave. "Ready to get out of here?"

Mike nods and they both get up. Harvey throws an arm over Mike's shoulder and pulls him closer in an attempt to give him a little bit of warmth, and also selfishly does it just because it feels nice.

About halfway home Harvey asks if they want to get a cab, but Mike refuses, liking having Harvey's arm around him just as much as Harvey liked having it there. He feels warm and safe and he's in no rush to get home if it means having this come to an end. 

When they get home, Mike plops down on the couch and kicks his shoes off. Harvey disappears momentarily, and comes back with a blanket and tosses it at Mike before turning to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Mike asks.

"I'll just be a second."

More than a few seconds pass and Mike can hear things clinking and being shuffled around in the kitchen and the burner of the stove igniting. "What are you doing out there?" he asks.

A few minutes later Harvey returns holding two mugs, he places them down on the table, warning Mike to be very careful. 

"You made hot chocolate?" 

"Just wanted to make sure you're warm enough."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I know that. I wanted to. Now, it will probably be 3 days before it cools down enough for you to drink it, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

"Thank you."

Harvey relaxes into the couch, sliding as close to Mike as he possibly can be. Mike turns on the tv and channel surfs until they find Rocky, which they happily settle on. 

Their hot chocolate eventually cools enough for them to be able to sip at throughout the movie and it helps warms them from the inside out. Neither of them let their minds drift outside of anything but the moment, perfectly content with ignoring the fact that this could very well be the calm before the storm.

\-----

"Stay," Harvey says, sleepily reaching for Mike's arm as he starts to emerge from underneath the covers.

"I have to go to work."

"Stay," Harvey says again. 

Mike turns and positions himself back under the covers, turning on his side so he's face to face with Harvey. Harvey reaches a hand up and brushes a thumb over Mike's cheek. "Go into work late," he suggests.

"Why?" Mike asks as if he needs a reason to stay.

Harvey leans in and catches Mike's mouth with his own, it starts soft and slow but quickly becomes more demanding, Harvey's teeth catching Mike's bottom lip and letting it slip through. He reaches a hand up and places it on the back of Mike's head, his hand carding through slept-on messy blond hair as he pulls him in closer. 

Harvey continues to kiss Mike until they're both breathless and panting, pressed chest to chest. Mike feels Harvey's hand reach down to the waistband of his pajama pants before he pauses.

"Can we--?" Harvey breathes against Mike's mouth.

Mike kisses him back, slow and soft, trailing his mouth down the side of Harvey's neck before lifting his head to ask, "What do you want?" 

"You," Harvey replies before sitting up and freeing himself and Mike from the constraints of the covers. "Lay back."

Mike does and he can feel his erection straining against the fabric of his pants. Harvey places his hands on the top of Mike's pants, and Mike puts his hands on Harvey's, and together they strip off his pants and boxer briefs. 

Harvey kneels next to Mike and takes his cock in his hand and gives it a few quick strokes that draw a moan from Mike's lips and Harvey can feel his own cock getting hard. 

He bends over and teases circles around the tip of Mike's penis, before sliding it up and down his shaft. He feels Mike shudder underneath him. He proceeds to wrap his mouth around the tip and gently suck, which draws a breath from Mike before pushing his mouth down further along the shaft, his tongue swirling and tracing the veins on Mike's cock. 

"Fuck, Harvey," Mike moans.

Harvey starts to suck harder, and Mike instinctively reaches his hand up and tangles it in Harvey's hair, wanting to hold him in place or make him go faster, he's not sure which, but being careful not to do either because he wants to let Harvey set the pace. 

Harvey briefly pulls Mike's cock from his mouth. "It's okay," he pants, "if you want to be rough," he says before dragging his tongue along the underside of his cock.

Harvey works his way back up to the tip before wrapping his lips back around it and slowly sucking the whole thing into his mouth inch by inch until he can feel the tip hit the back of his throat.

"God, Harvey," Mike breathes, thrusting his hips up just enough to make Harvey gag and pull away. "Shit, shit. Fuck, I'm sorry." 

"It's okay," he says, taking a quick breath before wrapping his mouth back around and sucking hard.

Mike is teetering on the edge, and Harvey knows it, he takes his mouth away but replaces it with his hand and gives Mike a few quick strokes and he's coming so hard that he doesn't just see stars but rather an entire fucking galaxy. 

Harvey climbs out of bed while Mike is still laying trying to catch his breath. "Where are you going?"

It's a while before he returns, bringing Mike a warm washcloth out to clean himself up with. 

Mike uses the washcloth and gets clean before pulling his boxers and pants back on and climbing back into the bed with Harvey who hasn't said a single word since.

"I'm sorry I, uh, made you, uh--" Mike stammers over his words.

"It's okay, I said you could be rough."

"I wasn't trying to be _rough_ , I just got a little caught up. It's been a long time since--"

"I know. It's okay."

"You don't want me to, uh...reciprocate anything." 

While giving the pleasure had gone okay, the idea of receiving somehow seems harder and much worse. "No," he is quick to reply. "But I want you to stay home with me today. I want you to just lay in bed with me all day and do absolutely nothing."

Mike's face falls a little. "Is that why you wanted to...um, do this," he gestures to nothing at all. 

"I didn't suck your dick to make you stay home from work if that's what you're hinting at it," Harvey says, having no problem cutting right to the chase. Mike internally breathes the biggest sigh of relief.

"I just wanted to know if I could. You know, if I can still do this kind of thing. I know all our other attempts at doing anything like it have kind of been disastrous."

Mike's not exactly sure how to respond. "Was it, I mean did it...feel okay for you?"

Harvey seems to take a moment to think about it. "Yeah, it was okay. Was it okay for you?" 

"It was beyond okay for me," Mike says with a grin. "You know what? Let me go get a quick shower and then I'll make you breakfast in bed and we'll stay here all day. How's that sound?"

"There's nothing I'd like more than that."

Mike leans in to give Harvey a quick kiss and pat on the thigh before heading off to shower. Harvey lays back in the bed and tries not to think about the fact that this is all going to be taken away from him in less than 24 hours.

\-----

They spend the entire day wrapped up in the warmth of blankets and each other. Alternating between long conversations about nothing, and kisses pressed into each other's skin, and 'I love you's' whispered into the soft spot just below the ear where the pulse jumps. They stay there until the sun sinks from the sky and evening falls, making everything suddenly seem colder and darker and the day starts to feel like it was some sort of long goodbye to Harvey. 

"I'm starting to get hungry. You?" Mike says as he lightly trails his fingers up and down Harvey's arm as his head rests on his chest.

"We could order pizza," Harvey suggests.

"I like the way you think," Mike says, rolling away from Harvey and grabbing his phone off the nightstand. He turns it on for the first time all day and sees a missed call from Sean, and one from Donna, but he's not exactly in a hurry to get back to either of them. 

Mike calls and orders the pizza and then snuggles back up to Harvey. "They said about a half-hour. Do you think I should get dressed?"

"I'm sure they've seen stranger things than a man answering the door in pajama pants. You'll be okay."

"I just don't want it to turn into a porno or anything like that."

"Oh Jesus, give me a break," Harvey says with an eye roll. 

-

They end up both finally getting out of bed and opting to eat their dinner out on the balcony. It's a clear night and they can manage to make out a few stars, even with all the light pollution. 

Neither of them wants the day to come to end, but it's inevitable no matter how much they try to put it off and pretend that it isn't. 

Once they finish eating, Harvey goes back inside and decides to finally turn his phone back on. It almost feels physically painful to press the power button, but the last thing he wants is to end up missing a call or text from Luke and having him show up at the house. 

Even though Harvey's been trying to drink less, they decide to have a few glasses of wine tonight, just because they know neither of them is going to be able to sleep otherwise. 

Once they have their bottle of wine and glasses set up on the table, Mike disappears to go grab a movie and comes back with a smile on his face.

"What's that?"

"I think you'll appreciate this choice. It's a little throwback for us," he explains with the disc hidden behind his back.

"What is it?"

Mike pulls it out from behind him, revealing it to Harvey.

"Mississippi Burning? That's certainly a good throwback."

Mike opens the case and takes the DVD out and places it in the player before joining Harvey on the couch. 

"I have to say, I miss it," Harvey says forlornly. 

"Miss what?"

"Mississippi Burning, going up against Tanner, keeping Louis from finding out all the time."

"Not just Louis, everybody else," Mike reflects. "You know what else I miss?"

"What's that?"

"That sometimes the good guys gotta do bad things--"

"To make the bad guy's pay," they both finish saying in unison. It immediately puts a smile on both of their faces. 

"Okay, okay, are you done reminiscing, or do you want me to finish off half this bottle of wine before we start?"

"By all means, press play, I know how chatty you get when you get buzzed off wine."

"I do not," Mike protests. "I'm pressing play, but despite that comment, not because of it."

-

They finish the movie and stay up talking for a little bit longer, before deciding to call it a night. They had polished off an entire bottle of wine between the two of them and were both feeling the effects of it.

They talk for a while, and when there's a lull in the conversation, Harvey hears Mike's breathing deepen and knew he had fallen asleep. He sits up and looks over just to verify, and sure enough, Mike is out of it. He leans over and presses a kiss to his forehead before laying back down. 

He wishes he could fall asleep, but at the same, he's okay with being awake and able to soak in every second with Mike. Two weeks hadn't seemed so long when he agreed to it, but just the past couple of days with Mike has made him feel like he might as well have agreed to leave for eternity. 

-

Mike's alarm goes off, and he reaches over to turn it off as quickly as possible. He looks over at Harvey to see if he was able to get it in time and sees him buried beneath the covers. He lifts it gently and sees his eyes still closed and his breathing slow and even and is glad he was able to sleep through the alarm. 

He carefully slides out of bed and grabs a suit from the closet to get dressed in. 

Once he's dressed he takes a short walk to get bagels from one of Harvey's favorite places, and some coffee for them both. He didn't want to make his coffee himself, because the smell permeating through the place is usually enough to draw Harvey out of the deepest of sleep. 

He sits at the table alone, eating his bagel and drinking his coffee, mostly thinking about how he was going to get bitched out at work today considering he didn't even bother calling yesterday to tell anybody he wasn't going to be in. 

As he's tossing out the rest of the bagel he couldn't quite finish, and washing his hands, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He quickly finishes rinsing and grabs a dish towel to dry them off before grabbing his phone out. 

It's from Luke's number, and before he can even read the message he feels his heart lodge in his throat. He should just delete it and go on with the rest of his day and life. But he doesn't, sheer morbid curiosity makes him click. It's just an address and a time. He puts the phone away. 

He's not going to meet him. It'd be incredibly stupid and reckless. 

He checks his watch, he should be heading out. He decides to peak in the room and check on Harvey one last time. 

He's still sleeping. Mike stands at the door and observes him for a few minutes, before turning to leave. He takes a few steps away from the room and then turns back. He walks towards the closet and grabs the gun from where he hid it and sneaks out of the room as fast as he possibly can. 

He sticks it in his messenger bag and throws it over his shoulder. Before leaving he swings by the kitchen and gets a post-it note from the drawer. He scribbles an _I love you_ on it, and sticks it right in front of the coffee and bagel on the counter that he had bought for Harvey before heading out the door.

When he gets to work he asks his driver if he'll stay close because he has a meeting with a client in a little bit. He hands him whatever money is in his wallet for the trouble, and also asks if he's okay with him leaving his bag in the car since he doesn't exactly want to be carrying a gun into the office. The driver says it's fine and Mike thanks him and heads inside, which at this point he's just hoping normality will pull him out of the thoughts starting to seep into his brain. 

\-----

Without looking, Harvey reaches an arm over and isn't surprised, but still saddened to feel en empty spot in the bed where Mike had been. 

He unburies himself from the covers and looks over at the clock. He slept way later than he had planned. He blindly feels around until he can pick up his cell phone. He rubs at his eyes, trying to focus them before checking if he'd missed anything.

He considers just laying in bed and not moving until he has to, but fights the urge and gets up and dressed in the hopes that maybe Mike hasn't left or is lingering in the kitchen still. 

Unfortunately, the house is empty. He does notice coffee and a brown bag on the counter. He picks up the little yellow note that has _I love you_ scrawled in Mike's handwriting on it. It both makes him happy and makes his heart hurt. He tucks it in his pocket and takes a sip of his coffee, which is now lukewarm at best.

He gets out his phone and sends Mike a text.

_Thanks for breakfast. I love you._

It's only a few short moments later that his phone vibrates and he figures it's Mike responding to him. Instead, it's a message from Luke.

_Meet me where we met last time. 5:00. Not a second later._

Panic floods his veins as reality begins to sink in.


	34. Chapter 34

Mike tries to go through some of the files that had been stacked on his desk, ones that he assumes Louis put there as punishment for missing work yesterday. He starts to go through them, but the watch on his wrist and counting down how many seconds he has to make a decision is stealing his focus. 

He opens his laptop and decides to search the address Luke sent him. He opens the map and it appears to be in a wooded area with not much around it. The thought crosses his mind that maybe this is the same place he held Harvey captive. Maybe he planned to do the same to him. He wouldn't let it get that far though, he had a gun and he would use it if he had to.

"Mike!"

The voice startles him and pulls him from his thoughts. He quickly shuts the laptop closed. "What?" he answers, looking up to see Louis standing in the door frame. 

"Nice of you to decide to show up. Where were you yesterday?"

"I wasn't feeling well."

"Was it laryngitis?"

"Uh, no. Why?"

"Because that means you were able to call in and tell somebody that you weren't coming, you know, like what a goddamn adult is supposed to do."

"I'm sorry, I just--"

"Apologize to me by finishing the work on your desk before you leave the office today."

"Louis, these are all things you could get associates in the bullpen to do," Mike tries to reason.

"It is. But the difference is, I'm not asking _them_ , I'm asking _you_. I know you're used to coasting by when Harvey was around to save your ass, but if you haven't noticed he's not around anymore. So either finish the work I gave you or feel free to find another job. Maybe follow through on your plan to go to Seattle."

"Okay."

"What?" Louis says. He was expecting an argument or at the very least a smart ass comment, so Mike agreeing to do what he says right off the bat catches him by surprise.

"I'll get it done."

"All right...good," Louis replies, still sounding unsure. 

Louis turns and leaves. Mike checks his watch again. He gathers up the papers in front of them, stuffs them under his arm, and exits the building with them. 

Per his request, his ride was still waiting for him. He slides in and tosses the papers down next to him before opening his bag and making sure the gun was still there. He gives the driver the address to Harvey's place. 

-

Once inside Harvey's place, he pours himself a drink. He would say it's liquid courage, but he doesn't think there's anything courageous about what he's thinking of doing. It's mostly stupidity, and the burning desire to be able to drag Harvey completely from Luke's wreckage. 

He and Harvey have had some good days, and Mike wouldn't trade them for anything, but selfishly, he wants them all to be like that. Instead, there are the days where Harvey's jumping at shadows and drinking until he's sick and the nights where he's waking drenched in his sweat and fear and reliving every fucking thing that sick fuck put him through. 

It's not a quick fix, he holds no illusions about that, but he also knows that Harvey is never going to be able to move on in the way he needs to if the threat of Luke is still constantly looming. He needs to get rid of him. Problem is, he's not quite sure what 'getting rid of him' actually means or entails. 

He finishes his drink and then goes to grab what he came here for; Harvey's car keys. He doesn't want to drag anybody else into this mess so he knows if he's going he has to be the one to drive there.

-

There are several moments on the way there that Mike thinks about turning the car around. He could just get off at that exit, or the next one, turn back, go home to Harvey. But the exits vanish and buildings disappear and are replaced by trees and it eventually feels like there's no turning back. 

GPS proves to be useless, but Mike eventually finds a small dirt road mostly hidden by trees, after passing by it the first time and having to circle back. 

He follows the dirt path, driving slowly as his heart races faster with every inch closer he gets. He pulls up to a small cabin and sees that there's another car parked out to the side of it. 

He shuts the ignition off and is met with silence that is near deafening. He pulls the gun from his messenger bag, and sets it on his lap, before looking up to make sure that nobody is around. 

He pulls his phone out next and sends Harvey a message.

_i love you so much. be home soon._

He hits send and squeezes his eyes shut tight, before grabbing the handle and opening the door of the car. He tucks the gun in the waistband of the back of his pants and begins to approach the front door of the cabin. 

He knocks.

No answer.

So he knocks again. 

Again there's no answer, and it's probably a sign that he should just get the fuck out of here and leave, but instead, he turns the handle to check if it's locked. It turns, and he slowly pushes the door open. 

There are some lights on, and he sees that there is a half-full drink sitting on the counter. He reaches behind him to grab for his gun, feeling too uneasy to keep exploring without having protection. 

"You came," a voice says. "And you even let yourself in. That's bold."

Mike turns toward the sound and sees Luke walk out from the room farthest to the back of the cabin. He pulls the door behind him shut and moves towards Mike, only a few steps before stopping. 

Mike drops his hand away from the gun, but not so far that he wouldn't be able to grab it if he needed to. 

"Can I fix you a drink?" Luke asks.

Mike shakes his head. 

"Let me tell you how this works, kid. If I ask you a question, I expect you to answer. _Verbally_ , he emphasizes. "Do you understand that?" 

"I don't want a _fucking_ drink," Mike spits. "Is that better?"

"That's certainly a start," Luke laughs before heading towards the kitchen area. 

He reaches up into the cabinet and gets out a bottle and a glass, and fills it nearly to the top.

"I remember your face now," Mike says.

"I had been curious about that," Luke replies, pausing to take a sip from his glass. "if you'd remember. I know your memory is supposed to be next to none."

"What did you give me?"

"Just a little ketamine," he says casually like it's the most normal thing in the world. "You just happen to be a lightweight."

"Why did you give it to me?"

"To see if I could. I was never going to hurt you if that's what you're curious about."

"Right, because you'd never hurt anybody," Mike replies, unable to hide the disgust in his voice.

Luke takes a step closer to Mike, and Mike immediately takes a step backward to keep the distance between them.

"I never did anything to Harvey that he didn't want."

"You're a goddamn liar."

"Am I? Why do you think he can't let me go? He _still_ calls me. He _still_ comes to see me. In fact, this very place has been our little meeting place for a while now. It's the very place he came crying to me, upset because he _needed_ me to comfort him. His word choice, not mine, of course."

"Shut the fuck up. Harvey would _never_ do that," Mike denies vehemently.

"Your naivety is very sweet, but you have to understand that Harvey is a very damaged man and it, believe it or not, has seldom to do with me."

"It has _everything_ to do with you, you asshole!"

Luke smiles. "I like you, kid. I can see why Harvey does, too."

"I want you to leave him alone."

"But I just told you, he's the one initiating contact."

"I don't care! Stay the fuck away from him!"

"And if I don't?"

Mike pulls his gun out from his waistband and points it directly at him.

"I had been wondering when you were going to actually pull that thing out. I spotted it seconds after laying eyes on you. Your hand hovering over it didn't help either."

Mike clicks the safety off of the gun. Luke polishes off the rest of his drink.

"Are you going to shoot me, kid?" he asks. 

"If I have to."

"Your hands are shaking," Luke points out, taking a step closer.

"Stop moving," he orders sternly.

"You're not going to shoot me. That's not who you are."

"You don't know shit about who I am."

Luke takes another step forward. "So do it then."

"I said stop moving," Mike re-iterates, taking a half-step backward, realizing there's not much more space for him to continue moving back into. 

"And I said shoot me."

Mike cocks the hammer of the gun and tries his hardest to steady his aim. Instead of taking a step forward this time, Luke lunges at him. A shot goes off as the gun is then knocked out and away from Mike's hand before it hits the ground with a loud thud.

Luke tackles him to the ground, and wraps a hand around his throat, pinning him against the floor. As Mike struggles to get free of his hold, Luke stretches with his free hand, fingers just barely able to reach and drag the gun toward him. He picks it up, puts the safety back on, and swings it down hard against Mike's head.

Mike's disoriented with the first hit, his previously flailing body slowed to a near halt, the second hit lands and turns everything in his vision into a blur, and the third, and final hit causes everything to be completely swallowed by black.

\-----

_i love you. i'll be home soon._

Harvey hasn't been able to stop staring at the text from Mike since it came through. He thinks about how Mike will come home to find the house completely empty. He thinks about how he'll frantically call his phone over and over only to be continually sent to his voicemail. He thinks about him not knowing where he is for two weeks, left with nothing but his imagination that he knows will only be capable of imagining the worse. He thinks about how Mike will blame himself for not knowing, even though he couldn't have. The thoughts are all are so devastating.

But then he thinks about the long walks in the park with him, dinner ordered in while they watch a movie, and lazy days spent in bed together doing absolutely nothing. And it won't just be sometimes, but all the time. He thinks about being able to give Mike the world and that's what he is doing this for. Mike deserves everything. Harvey knows he can take whatever Luke dishes out for two weeks to help give him that. And Mike, Mike is strong, one of the strongest people he's ever known. He can get through two more weeks without him. 

He checks his watch, it's nearly time to go. He finishes the rest of his scotch and heads out the door before he has any more time to dwell on things. 

-

It's nearly twenty minutes after when Luke was supposed to be there, which is a bit unusual. He keeps waiting though, and eventually, he sees a car pull up along the sidewalk. 

The door swings open and Harvey gets in. He puts his seatbelt on, which feels particularly ridiculous right now. 

"Sorry I kept you waiting, had something I needed to take care of. Put your seatbelt on."

The request feels particularly ridiculous given the situation. Harvey obeys regardless. 

"I need you to open your mouth."

"Why?"

"I know it's been a while, but when I ask you to do something, I want you to just do it. So open your mouth. Now."

Harvey opens his mouth and Luke uses a dropper to place a few drops onto Harvey's tongue. The familiar bitter taste is enough of an answer to his question. "You don't want me to know where you're taking me?" he asks rhetorically.

"Yes, that's right. But this will also make the ride there much easier for you."

Harvey slinks down in his seat as he waits for the world to fade away. As he goes to turn away from Luke and towards the window, he notices something out of the corner of his eye. 

"Is that blood on you?" he asks.

Luke quickly glances at the sleeve of his shirt. "Yes. It's my own though. Nothing to worry about. Just lay your head back and close your eyes."

Harvey doesn't think much about it beyond that. His head is starting to feel fuzzy and even though he knows where he'll be when he wakes up, he just wants to sleep.


	35. Chapter 35

Several times Mike had been able to open his eyes, but just long enough to know that things were bad before having to let them flutter shut again and drift back to sleep.

Eventually, he's able to return to consciousness and access how bad things are. His skull is pounding, his vision hasn't yet returned to anywhere near normal, and worst of all he is tied to a chair. 

His legs are pulled tightly and tied to the back legs of the chair and his hands are bound behind him, rope wrapped all the way up to his elbows. They feel tingly and numb in a way that concerns him. 

He yells for help, screams until his voice his hoarse and his skulls feels like it's going to cave in on him before giving up. He knows he's in the middle of nowhere and there isn't a soul around to hear him and it's nothing more than an exercise in futility.

He tries to think of ways to free himself, considers shifting his weight back and forth to tip the chair over and hope that it breaks, but something tells him the only difference that would make would be putting him horizontal instead of vertical. Still, he isn't willing to completely rule it out as an option just yet.

He starts to wonder when Luke was going to walk back through that door and what was going to happen to him when he did. 

\-----

He had woken up into the nightmare he had had dozens of times before. The familiar chill of the basement that always seemed to go right through to his bones. Head groggy and arms twisted behind him, ropes constricting him so tightly that he's barely able to wiggle his fingers, let alone move. And of course, the man sitting in front of him, chair pulled up close for a front-row view of it all.

"I'd forgotten how gorgeous you look tied up like that," Luke says. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick," Harvey says around the lump in his throat. 

"That's probably my fault. I was a little heavy-handed with what I gave you, but I wanted to make sure you'd sleep the entire way here," Luke explains, getting up off of his chair and crouching down in front of Harvey as he did so many times before. He places his hand on the side of Harvey's face, and gently strokes his cheek. "You'll feel better soon. I promise."

Harvey starts to pull his head away and Luke grips his chin and pulls him back and holds him in place. "I have a few more things to get done before we can play. You stay right here and be a good boy for me, okay?"

Harvey doesn't answer and Luke's grip on his face tightens. " _Harvey_."

"Okay," he says. 

"Much better. You're a bit out of practice, but we'll get you there," he says before letting go of him and standing up. He walks out of Harvey's line of vision and comes back with a bucket in hand. He proceeds to dump water on Harvey. It's so cold that it momentarily steals his breath and makes his entire body shiver. 

"Just like old times," Luke laughs before tossing the bucket aside, turning and making his way up the steps.

Harvey swore he'd hold it together, but the sound of Luke's shoes going up the twelve steps and the creak of the door when it opens and closes is almost enough to unravel him right then and there. It doesn't though. He doesn't let it. He screws his eyes shut tight and takes several deep breaths. 

He thinks about a warm beach and Mike.

\-----

Mike has been sitting in the dark for what feels like hours when he sees headlights shining through the window. It immediately makes his heart start palpitating and his stomach sink. 

Even more so when he hears the door begin to open. A light switch flips on, and even though it's not the brightest, it makes Mike squint and intensifies the ache in his skull. 

Luke takes off his jacket and hangs it over the back of the couch before walking over to where Mike is sat in the middle of the floor. 

"How are you?" he asks like it's the beginning of some casual conversation.

"Stay away from me," Mike demands.

"That's not an answer," he replies.

Luke walks away and comes back with something in hand. Mike flinches when he reaches it up towards his face. 

"Relax," Luke says, flipping the switch to on. "Don't move. I won't tell you twice," he warns.

He proceeds to shine the light into each of Mike's eyes, before turning it off and tossing it behind him. "It's likely you have a concussion."

"No shit."

"Do you want me to help clean you up? Maybe get you some new clothes."

"I want you to untie me."

"I'm sure you do, but you need to be more realistic with your wants," Luke explains, walking around to the back of Mike. "Can you wiggle your fingers for me?"

"Why?"

"Just do it, kid. This is for your own good."

Mike wiggles his fingers. Or at least he thinks he does. 

"Good," Luke says. Mike wonders if that means they did or didn't move.

Luke walks to the fridge next, grabs a bottle of water out. He brings it over to Mike, twists the cap off, and presses it to Mike's lips. He would love to tell him to fuck off, but the truth is, he's so incredibly thirsty. So he opens his mouth.

Luke tilts it slowly, allowing Mike to drink as much as he wants. He ends up drinking nearly the entire bottle. 

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"What about something for your pain?" Luke doesn't wait for an answer and instead walks over and opens up a cabinet. Mike can't see him but he hears a bottle rattle as the cap is twisted off of it. "Open your mouth."

"I don't want it!"

"Don't be stupid for the sake of whatever it is you're trying to prove. Open. _Now_."

Mike reluctantly opens his mouth and Luke shoves the pills in and lifts the bottle to his mouth so he can wash them down with the remaining water in it. 

"See? That wasn't so hard now was it?" 

Luke tosses the empty bottle into the trash can and heads back over to grab his jacket off of the couch and starts to put it back on.

"You're leaving?" Mike asks. 

"Yes, as much as I would love to stay here with you, it's getting late and I need to get back home."

"You're just going to leave me here like this? For how long?" Mike tries to keep his voice calm, but panic is starting to seep through. 

"Just a little while."

"Luke, don't. Please don't just leave me here," Mike pleads. "Untie me and let me go home."

Luke walks back over to Mike, runs a hand through his hair and down until it's positioned cradling the back of his neck. "Look at me and say that again."

Mike meets Luke's eyes with his. "Please let me go. I swear I won't tell anybody what happened. I just want to go home."

"Oh, kid. You're beautiful. You make me want to do very bad things to you. But, unfortunately, I really do have to go now. You'll be okay here," Luke assures while he gently rubs Mike's neck. "Just close your eyes and I'll be back before you know it."

He removes his hand from Mike's neck and heads towards the door.

"Stop, don't go! Please don't go!"

Mike yells until the headlights disappear, the light instantly replaced by dark, his pleas replaced by sobs. 

\-----

Harvey's body aches from the cold and he is shivering so violently that he thinks he can feel his teeth rattle. He remembers the cold, he's never ever forgotten it, but he doesn't ever remember it being quite _this_ cold. 

He sees the light swarm the room when the door briefly opens and it all still feels like a nightmare he should be able to wake up from. 

Luke comes down the steps and goes directly behind him and Harvey feels the rope go slack, his arms dropping down, feeling like cement next to his sides. He brings them forward and moves them around, slowly trying to get the circulation back into them. 

Luke walks back in front of him and extends a hand out to him. "Come on, we're going to get you warmed up."

Harvey takes his hand and Luke helps pull him to his feet. "Follow me," he says.

He expects Luke to lead him down the hallway to the bathroom, maybe allow him to have a shower and give him a change of clothes, that's usually how it went. Instead, he leads him towards the stairs and starts to walk up them. 

Harvey pauses at the bottom of them. Luke turns when he realizes Harvey isn't following anymore. "Are you coming?"

"Where?" Harvey asks. He's never been allowed out of the basement before.

"I told you, we're going to get you warmed up."

Luke turns back and continues to walk up the remaining stairs, Harvey follows. 

Luke turns left and leads him down a short hallway, stopping just outside of a door. "There's a clean outfit laying on top of the sink in there. Go in and get changed."

Harvey goes in, and Luke closes the door behind him. He sees the clothes laying where Luke said they would be. He picks it up and gets changed, and goes back out.

"Warming up yet?"

Harvey nods his head but remembers the rule. "Yes, a little," he says.

"Good. Come with me," he says, turning and leading Harvey down a few more hallways and taking a few more turns that eventually lead them into a dining room. Harvey can't get over how fucking _normal_ the house looks. It's decorated with bright, vibrant pieces, a stark contrast to everything down there. 

There are two plates set out on the table, and it smells delicious. Luke orders Harvey to sit down, so he does. Luke joins him.

"You seem like a guy that enjoys a good steak dinner, so I hope this is okay. I'm not much of a cook myself, but I know how to work a grill."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what? Giving you food? Would you prefer I not?"

"Not that. This," Harvey points at the room they're in. "Bringing me upstairs, letting me sit at your table. Why?"

"I just want to spend time with you, Harvey. Now eat, before your food gets cold."

Even though everything looks good, and smells good, Harvey isn't very hungry. He picks up his fork and knife and starts to cut his steak. He wants to at least give the illusion that he's going to eat. 

"Are you warm yet? I could turn the heat up if you're not," Luke says, his voice sounding all too concerned.

"I'm okay," Harvey says. He still cold to his core, but it's starting to ease up.

Harvey takes a few bites of his food, and Luke a few of his. He notices Harvey starts to slow down relatively quickly into the meal. "You don't like it?" He says it like a question, but it sounds more like a statement.

"It's good, I'm just not very hungry."

"Could you at least try to take a few more bites? And then I'll put the rest away in case you feel hungry later."

Harvey picks his fork back up and takes enough bites to get Luke to deem it acceptable. 

"Are you really going to leave me alone after this?" Harvey asks, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

"Of course."

"And do what? Where are you going to go?"

"Away from here."

"Are you going to find someone else to do this to? I don't want you to just replace me with somebody else."

"Oh, Harvey, I could never replace you," he smirks, knowing full well that's not what Harvey meant. "I won't hurt anybody else," he adds.

Luke makes it sound like it's a switch that he can turn on and off, and based on what Harvey has experienced with him, it sometimes has felt that way, but still, he isn't exactly sure how capable Luke is of controlling that switch. 

"You haven't touched your wine," Luke points out. "Would you like me to get you something different?"

"Could I just get water?"

Luke raises an eyebrow. 

"Please."

"Of course. Give me a second," he says, pushing himself back from the table and momentarily disappearing. He returns with a glass of water a few seconds later and hands it to Harvey.

"Thank you," Harvey says.

"You're welcome," Luke replies, before going back to his chair.

Harvey takes a few short sips before placing it down in front of him. 

"You look tired."

"I am tired."

"Would you like to sleep in my bed?"

Harvey's entire body tenses at the question. "What?"

"I want you to sleep in my bed tonight." This time any hint of it being a question is long gone.

"Okay." It's not okay. 

"Let me take you there and you can get settled in, and I'll come back and clean up this mess. Get up," he orders. 

Luke leads Harvey to his bedroom, and Harvey couldn't tell you the way there if he tried. His heart is pounding so hard he is sure that Luke can hear it and it's so hard to breathe. 

"Go ahead," Luke says, stepping aside when they reach the door, and gesturing for Harvey to go in. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll be back in a little bit."

He steps into the room but doesn't go much farther than that. His body feels like cement. He doesn't know what Luke has planned, but anything involving a bed fills him with white-hot terror. 

-

By the time Luke comes back, Harvey had progressed from standing at the door to sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What are you doing? I told you to get comfortable. Here, get up a second," he says. Harvey stands up and Luke pulls the comforter down. "Crawl in."

"Luke, I don't want to--"

"I'm not going to touch you. Not right now. This is just sleep. Don't think about anything beyond that, okay?"

Harvey gets in the bed, and Luke gets in next to him and pulls the covers up to cover both of them. He reaches over and turns the light next to the bed off.

The way moonlight casts through the window almost reminds him of being back home in his bed with Mike, but this is anything but that. And this is anywhere but there.

He tells himself that there's no way he's going to be able to sleep, not like this, so he resides to the fact that he'll just be stuck staring at the ceiling fan as it spins the entire night. Eventually, though, his eyes get too heavy, and instead of fighting sleep, he gives in to it.

-

"Good morning."

There's a few short seconds of bliss before Harvey fully wakes up and the reality of where he is and who he's with sinks in. Luke is laying on his side, a tired smile on his face, and his hair mussed from sleep. If this is how everybody saw Luke, they would never imagine in a million years that he's capable of doing the things that he's done. 

Harvey wants to close his eyes and go back to sleep.

Luke reaches an arm up and gently strokes Harvey's face. "How did you sleep, beautiful? Better than being in the basement, I would hope."

"I slept fine," Harvey replies, pulling away from his touch, but trying to do it subtly so that Luke wouldn't think that it was on purpose.

It's all for naught because Luke reaches his hand up and touches his face again. He rubs a thumb over Harvey's lips, parting them with it and Harvey's scared about what comes next.

Luke shifts his body, moving closer and alternating between pressing kisses and nipping at his neck. 

"Luke," Harvey says.

"Shhh...just let me."

Luke moves his hand and places it around Harvey's throat, he doesn't squeeze hard enough to cut off any of his air but keeps enough pressure for him to not be able to forget it's there. 

"I don't want to--" Harvey starts to say.

"Why? It's not cheating if that's what you're worried about," Luke says, pausing to press a kiss to Harvey's lips. "It's just me taking what I want from you."

"Please don't."

"You're making me hard. What about you? Are you hard too?" Luke reaches down under the covers and grabs Harvey's dick through his pants. "Not quite yet. But I can get you there."

"Stop," Harvey says firmly this time.

"Fine," Luke says, relinquishing his grip on Harvey's throat and rolling out of the bed. "Come on, you're going back down. I have shit to do."

Luke leads Harvey back to the basement. He opens the door and tells Harvey to go first. Harvey takes two steps down the stairs before he's kicked hard in the back of the leg, causing him to tumble the rest of the way down, landing at the bottom with a thud. Luke grips his hand in Harvey's hair and drags him across the floor. He yanks him back in position, twists his arms behind him, and ties him back up, all before Harvey can even process anything that just happened.

\-----

"What the hell are you doing here, Cahill?" Louis asks when he spots the blond-haired man in Harvey's office.

"I was looking for Mike. I checked his office and it was empty, but someone told me he had been using Harvey's."

"He's not here. Turns out the only reason he could ever cut it here in the first place was that he had Harvey to hold his hand."

"What do you mean by that?"

"He skipped out on work the other day without calling so I gave him some work to do, told him to get it done or he's fired, and I guess he beat me to the punch."

"Nobody's seen him? What about Donna?"

"You'd have to ask her."

"Do you care if I take a look around his office?"

"Knock yourself out. Just don't' touch Harvey's stuff. He's particular about that. He doesn't even let me touch anything."

"That's surprising," Sean replies.

"What did you say?"

"I said thanks for your help."

"Oh. You're welcome," Louis says before disappearing back down the hallway.

Sean sits down in the chair behind the desk and opens up the laptop. He clicks through Mike's tabs one by one, most are things legal things. One of the tabs is Google Maps, he clicks that one open and examines it. It seems like a place in the middle of nowhere. Based off the fact that he hasn't been able to get a hold of Mike or Harvey, which Harvey he understands, they haven't been on the friendliest of terms, but even when Mike's mad at him, he'll usually call him back, it worries him a little. Then again, there's not much that doesn't worry him these days.

He knows there could be a ridiculously logical explanation to all of this. Harvey and Mike could have decided to go on a little staycation together. He wouldn't blame them for wanting to get away from it all for a little bit. Either way, he jots the address down and thinks he'll maybe drive by it if he doesn't hear back from either of them soon. 

\-----

Mike has watched daylight come and daylight go, and Luke has yet to return. It's hard to fall asleep anymore because his body hurts so bad, he's hungry and thirsty, and he's now sitting in pissed pants because he couldn't hold it anymore. He feels helpless and hopeless. 

He wonders if Harvey knows Luke has him. In a way, he hopes he doesn't. Not because Mike doesn't want to be rescued, he desperately wants that, but he's scared of the sort of things Harvey might be inclined to agree to in order to get Luke to agree to let him go.

His mind goes back to tipping the chair to try to get free. There's not much to lose at this point by doing it, so he starts to rock forward and then back. It doesn't even feel like the chair is moving at all, he can't get any leverage or momentum. He takes a quick break before throwing himself forward with all his might, and it's still only enough to lift the legs of the chair in the slightest before they thump back down to the floor.

He throws himself forward again, and again, gaining a little more height each time he does it. Eventually, he's able to tip the chair over, he tries to angle his body as it falls but there's no give in the ropes and he hits the ground hard, his left shoulder taking the brunt of the fall.

Of course, it goes how he had thought it would. He's still tied up and the chair is still perfectly intact, now he's just stuck on the ground and it feels like he's in a much worse position than he had started in. 

\- 

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you were looking at things, it's only about an hour (or two? ) later that he can see headlights lighting up the cabin.

Mike hears the footsteps and sees the door opening. Luke flips the light switch on.

"What the hell happened to you, kid?" Luke asks when he sees Mike on the floor. He bends over and hoists the chair and Mike up so that all four legs are firmly planted on the ground and he is back to sitting upright again. 

"Where were you?" Mike asks. 

"Why? Did you miss me?"

"No."

"Then I guess it doesn't matter where I went. Are you hungry yet?" Luke looks Mike up and down. "I can see you already went to the bathroom."

Mike can feel his face start to turn red. 

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Besides, I brought you some clothes to change into if you want to get cleaned up."

Luke walks behind Mike and starts to tug at the ropes to undo them. He pauses before walking back around. "Before I take these off I want you to understand that if you try to do anything stupid, you will absolutely regret it. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

Luke re-positions himself behind him and works on undoing the ropes. He does his legs first and then his arms. Even though he can clearly see that they're gone, as his arms are right in front of him, it still feels like he's tied up. 

"Stand up, but do it slowly so you don't lose your balance," Luke tells him.

Mike stands up, slowly as he was asked, not that he thinks he has any other speed right now. When he turns around, he sees Luke has a gun, his gun, pointed at him. 

"Your clothes are laying on the couch. Pick them up and head to the bathroom."

Mike's legs feel wobbly, but he does his best to stay balanced, taking only small steps. He picks up the clothes and Luke guides him with the gun towards the bathroom. 

"There's a clean towel on the towel rack. You've got ten minutes. Starting now."

Mike hurries into the bathroom, he closes the door behind him instinctively and he almost expects Luke to swing it back open, but he doesn't. 

Mike turns the shower on and surveys the room to see if there's a window he could crawl out of, but there's not, so he continues with just getting the shower. He strips off his clothes, and even though the door is shut he can't help but feel like he's being watched.

He tries not to look at the bruising and indents on his arms and legs from the rope, or the way the water swirling down the drain is consistently red until the very end of the shower when it finally fades to a dull pink. 

"Time's almost up, hurry," Luke alerts while simultaneously pounding against the door with what sounds like the butt of the gun. 

Mike turns the water off and gets out and dries off as quickly as possible. He catches a glimpse of his head in the mirror while he's drying off and it looks bad. Aside from where the gun had landed, his eye is even a little black and blue just from the impact of it.

He pushes the thought out and re-focuses on getting dressed. It's just sweatpants and a t-shirt so he's able to throw them on just before Luke swings the door open.

"Time's up," he says. "Are you hungry yet?"

"Yes," Mike replies, realizing that going without food wasn't going to prove a point about anything.

Luke has him sit down at the kitchen table and he makes him a peanut butter and jelly. His back is turned towards Mike nearly the entire time and the gun is sitting right on the counter. He wonders if he'd be able to grab it in time, but his current state of existence is a reminder of how well trying to use a gun worked out for him last time. So he doesn't try anything stupid, and instead just sits and waits for his food.

Luke places the sandwich in front of him and goes to the fridge. "Want a beer?"

"Okay."

Luke grabs two beers out of the fridge, twists the caps off the both of them, and hands one to Mike, while he drinks from the other. He makes sure he grabs the gun off the counter before sitting down on the opposite side of the table from Mike. 

Mike takes a few bites of his sandwich and a couple of sips of his beer. 

"You're not much of a talker, are you, kid?"

Mike doesn't say anything and instead works on finishing the last of his food and polishing off the rest of the beer in his bottle. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"That's fine, I'm sure I could find some better uses for that mouth of yours anyway." 

Luke lifts his gun back up and points it at Mike. "Get up, I need to tie you back up."

Mike pushes his chair out and stands up. Luke aims the gun towards the room in the back corner of the cabin "Go," he orders. 

When Mike walks into the room the first thing he sees is a bed, and attached to the bed are restraints. He doesn't even think about the fact that Luke is standing behind him with a gun in hand when his instincts make him turn and try to run at the sight of it, but he's reminded very quickly when the cold metal of the gun presses dead-center of his forehead. "Get in the goddamn bed, Mike."

He turns back around and walks slowly towards the bed. 

"Hurry up. Get on it and lay down."

"Luke. Don't make me do this," Mike pleas with him.

"I thought you had nothing to say to me? Get on the fucking bed. Now. I'm not telling you again."

Mike climbs onto the bed, turns around and lays flat on his back. Luke fastens the cuffs on him one by one until both his wrists and his ankles are restrained and he is left laying spread eagle on the bed, feeling more vulnerable and scared than he's ever felt in his entire life.

Luke takes a step back to seemingly admire his work. He pulls his phone out and snaps a picture. "Perfect," he says.

"Luke, please, please let me go," Mike stutters and chokes on his words.

"I told you, I will, eventually. For having such a great memory, you seem to forget a lot of shit. I need you to get your rest now though, you're going to need it. I'll be back soon."

He tucks the gun into his pants, turns and leaves the room, closing the bedroom door behind him. Mike waits until he hears the front door shut to start furiously yanking at the restraints.

\----- 

It's a long time before Luke comes back down to the basement, probably about a day from what he can tell. Harvey figures it's because he said no to them having sex. Harvey has never been able to bring himself to use the word rape.

He doesn't miss Luke the whole time he's gone, but he's hated how alone he feels, and sometimes that feels like the same thing as missing him. 

When he finally comes back down, Harvey apologizes and Luke accepts. He unties Harvey and allows him to go to the bathroom and heats him the leftovers of his dinner from the other night. 

Luke doesn't offer to let him eat it upstairs this time, instead, he eats on the cold concrete, but he's okay with that because there's no bed here. It feels safer.

When he's done with dinner, Luke ties him back up and disappears. He isn't gone very long this time, instead, he comes back with a pack of cigarettes and his lighter. They talk for a while and when they're done Luke outens it on Harvey's skin before wrapping a hand around his throat and squeezing until he's right on the brink of losing consciousness. He lets go and Harvey coughs and gasps for air while Luke vanishes from the room leaving Harvey alone again. 

He misses Mike so fucking bad it hurts.

\-----

Mike tried endlessly to get out of his cuffs. He pulled and twisted and turned his body until he had completely exhausted himself. Eventually, he gave up and just cried. Some of it out of frustration, but most of it out of sadness. It was starting to feel a lot like his fate had been sealed.

He lays there for hours, every so often trying to find the energy to fight against the restraints again. They have no give and there's no way to get leverage on them and it always ends with him out of breath, aching, and tears pouring from his eyes. 

He doesn't see headlights this time, but he hears the front door open and footsteps coming towards the room. 

He draws in a shaky breath and closes his eyes. 

The door opens.

"Mike?"

Mike's eyes shoot open. "Sean? Sean! Please help me get out of here."

Sean rushes over and starts to work on getting Mike free. "Are you okay? What the fuck is going on here?" 

"I-I just help me okay, we need to get out of here."

"I can't get these open, Mike. Is there a key somewhere or something?"

"I don't know, I wasn't paying attention to how he did it, please, Sean. Hurry."

"Let me run to my car real quick, I have something that can undo these."

"No, no, don't leave me here. Please," Mike begs.

"I promise I'll be right back. I promise," Sean reiterates. 

He gets up and leaves and Mike is sure that he's never going to come back because that's how it goes. He does though, and he's back fairly quickly too, which is a huge relief.

Sean snips the restraints holding his wrists first, and then the ones on his ankles. He reaches out his hand to help Mike up and Mike engulfs him in a hug as soon as he's upright. 

"Let's get out of here, okay?" Sean says. 

They both rush out of the cabin and as soon as they are both in the car and doors are shut, he starts the car and speeds out of there as fast as he can. 

Once Mike feels like he's far enough away from the place that they're in clear he completely breaks down. Full-on sobbing so hard his entire body shakes and he can't speak. 

Sean reaches a hand across the car to Mike and rubs and squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. He wants to say something about taking him to the hospital and calling the cops, but he knows he needs to let Mike get it all out. He has no clue what all happened to him, but just by looking at him, and where he found him it doesn't look like it was anything good. 

It takes him a while to calm down and when he does his first coherent sentence is "I need Harvey."

"That's where I'm taking you," Sean explains.

Mike looks up and out the windows, it's the first time he's done that since being in the car and he realizes that they're only about ten minutes from home at this point.

Sean figures now is a good a time as any to bring it up. "You need to go to the hospital. And we need to call the cops."

"Harvey first," Mike replies. 

Sean doesn't push the issue, not right this second, but he _will_ call the police himself if he has to. Even if it means Mike and Harvey hate him for the rest of their lives.

Sean walks Mike to the front door and knocks for him. There's not an answer and he doesn't have a key because he isn't even wearing his own fucking clothes. 

He turns to face Sean "Can you call him with your phone?"

"I can try. He doesn't typically answer his phone for me though." Sean pulls out his phone and dials the number. It rings multiple times before going to voicemail. 

Hey Harvey, it's Sean, I've got Mike here with me. We're locked out and wondering where you are? Call me back.

"Did you even try opening it?" Sean asks.

"No, we always lock--"

Sean turns the doorknob and it clicks open. He shrugs at Mike who has a look of confusion on his face. 

They both walk inside, Sean first, followed closely behind by Mike.

"Harvey? Are you here? I'm home," Mike calls out as he walks room to room.

He doesn't get an answer and all the rooms are empty.

"Mike, how long were you there, at that cabin?"

"I don't know, 4 days maybe? Why?"

"Hmmm," Sean hums. 

"What? Why?"

"Nothing."

Sean hates that the idea that Luke may have Harvey is crossing his mind. He doesn't know how he'd even begin to bring it up to Mike on the off chance he's right about it. He also doesn't want to bring it up if Harvey simply isn't home at the moment. The idea alone would devastate Mike who has already been through hell.

"Will you wait with me until he comes back home?" Mike asks.

"Sure, I can do that."

"Thank you."

Mike sits down on the couch and wraps himself in his and Harvey's favorite blanket. Sean pulls a chair from the kitchen over and sits down on it, and prays that Harvey walks through the door any second now.


	36. Chapter 36

Nearly an hour passes and there's still been no sign of Harvey. Mike has been completely silent, wrapped in his blanket, staring blankly ahead at nothing in particular. 

"Hey, Mike..."

"Yeah?" he says, slowly turning his head to look at Sean.

"When's the last time you were with Harvey?"

"The morning that I went to meet Luke, he was still sleeping when I left."

"What about calls or texts, did you get any from him after that?"

"No, but I haven't had my phone either so there's no way to know. Why?"

Sean hesitates and tries to think about how to word it so that it won't freak him out, but he doesn't think there's a way that it won't. "Mike...I don't want to worry you or scare you but I think we should maybe consider the possibility that Harvey is with Luke."

"He's not," Mike denies right away. "He can't be." 

"There's no sign of him here, he hasn't been answering his phone, he--"

"Shut up. He can't be with him," Mike says, tossing off his covers and standing up. "Call him again."

"Mike..."

"I said fucking call him!" Mike yells frantically. 

Sean takes out his phone and dials the number, he holds out for Mike so he can hear for himself. 

"Pick up, pick up, pick up," Mike repeats under his breath. It goes to voicemail after several rings. 

_Harvey where are you? I'm home, and I need you to come home now too. Please come home._

Mike hangs up the phone and his arm drops to his side, phone slipping from his grasp as he's suddenly overwhelmed with the crushing feeling that Sean is probably right.

"Sean...no...no, no, no no, no," he says, his breath quickening and his voice sounding more distraught with each and every word. "I'll...never...I'll never get...get him back this... time. If-if...he...what if..it's...m-my..fault..he's," Mike is gasping for air at this point and becoming incoherent. 

"Calm down, Mike. Come sit down," Sean says, taking Mike by the hand and helping him sit down in the chair he had just been sitting in moments earlier. 

"W-why, I need, Sean, I c-can't..breathe."

Sean scrambles to the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the fridge and races back to Mike. "You need to breathe in slowly and breathe out," Sean explains, taking a deep breath in of his own and then back out, hoping by continuing to do that Mike would eventually be able to match his breathing. 

Mike's chest is still heaving up and down and he still seems unable to catch his breath, no matter how many times Sean demonstrates with him. Sean takes his hand and guides him from the chair out onto the balcony in hopes that some fresh air might be able to help. He hopes it does because he's not sure what else to do beyond that. 

"Breathe in, and out. In and out," he continues to repeat. 

It takes far longer than he would have liked, but Mike's breath finally starts to even out. He's able to hand him the water, and Mike takes a couple of sips before handing it back to him to twist the cap back on.

"What...what are we going to do?" is the first thing Mike asks when he's finally calmed down enough to speak coherently again.

"Go to the cops," Sean suggests, as he had many times prior.

"And tell them what exactly?"

"Tell them about what he did to you, and then tell them he has Harvey."

"I can't."

"You can't what?"

"Tell them what happened to me."

"Why not? Look at your head, look at your arms, not to mention I found you chained to a bed in the middle of nowhere. All the evidence is right there."

"I went there and met with him willingly, Sean. I pulled a fucking _gun_ on him. I _fired_ it at him. How do you think that's going to go over?"

"You did _what_?"

"I just wanted to get him out of Harvey's life," Mike replies softly. "And I fucked everything up by doing it and now Harvey's...." Mike doesn't want to finish the thought. He blinks back the tears he can feel starting to form in his eyes.

"We'll find Harvey."

Mike huffs in disbelief. 

"We will. We have more information this time. Would you be willing to talk to a Detective? He's a friend of mine, and he's a little more...well, let's say _lenient_ when it comes to adhering to the rules if it means getting a piece of shit like Luke off the streets. I mean, I'd still maybe leave the part about the gun out and what your intentions were, but he might be able to help."

"Why couldn't he help the first time Harvey went missing?"

"He tried, but like I said this time we have more information. You even have his phone number for fuck's sake, that's got to be able to help, right?"

Mike is positive it's a waste of time, but he doesn't have many other options at this point. "Fine."

"Good. Let me give him a call right now so we can get the ball rolling on this," Sean says, pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing the number. He, of course, gets the voicemail, but leaves a message and hopes he's able to get back to him quickly. 

"While we wait for a call back from him, we should get you to a doctor. You probably need stitches," Sean says. "How did that happen...if you don't mind me asking, that is?"

"He knocked the gun out of my hand and then hit me with it a couple of times."

"Jesus. Did he do, uh, did he hurt you any other way?"

Mike knows what he's not so subtly hinting at. "No."

Relief washes over Sean. "Thank god. Will you let me take you to the doctors?"

"What if Harvey comes home while we're gone?"

"It won't take long, Mike. We can go to an urgent care and get it taken care of and be back here in no time."

He decides to go, mostly because he knows Sean is going to keep harassing him about it until he gives in. 

\-----

"I'm sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I told you I would treat you better this time, and I'm not off to a very good start. Do you think you can forgive me?" 

Harvey doesn't know what saying 'no' would lead to, but his voice is so soft and the look on his face so remorseful that it's hard to say anything but yes. 

"It's okay, I forgive you," Harvey soothes. 

Luke lifts his hand to Harvey's face and gently caresses his cheek. "You're so good to me." Harvey closes his eyes and leans into it before realizing what he's doing and pulling away.

"Let me untie you, you can come back upstairs with me. We can talk, I can make you something to eat, I won't hurt you. Okay?"

"Okay," Harvey mouths.

\-----

They're able to get in and out of the urgent care relatively quickly. It's all a blur to Mike. They use glue to patch him up and he hears the word concussion thrown around but it's nothing he didn't already figure. Sean does the majority of the talking, answers any questions they ask, and pays attention to aftercare instructions. Mike is too busy worrying himself sick over Harvey to give the slightest fuck about what is going on around him.

"Do you care if I go lay down for a little bit?" Mike asks Sean when they get back to his place.

"No, not at all."

"You're not going to leave though, right?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Sean reassures him. 

Mike disappears into the bedroom and he's only in there a few minutes before Sean can hear him start to cry. It's heart-wrenching to have to listen to and know that he can't do anything to make it better.

Sean gets a call back a few hours later from the detective agreeing to meet with them in the morning. He just hopes he can keep Mike on board with the idea until then. 

\-----

Luke leads Harvey up the stairs and to the living room. He tells him to sit down and asks if he needs anything, a blanket, a pillow, a drink. Harvey declines all of them.

"Will you be okay here until I come back?"

Harvey shoots Luke a confused look. "You're leaving?"

"I'm going to run to town to get some dinner for both of us."

"You're just going to let me up here by myself? You're not going to tie me up?"

Luke raises an eyebrow. "Do I need to tie you up? I trust that you're not going to make a grand escape and you'll stay right where you are until I come back. Am I wrong for having trust in you?"

"No...it's just, different."

"I told you it would be different this time. I'm trying to make it up to you, Harvey. Now, do you want me to pick you up anything specific while I'm there?"

"No, I'm okay. How long are you going to be?"

"Not long enough for you to miss me," Luke smiles before walking over and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I'll be back. Be good."

\-----

Luke immediately knows something is off when he gets to the cabin. He sees tire tracks that weren't there before, and a light in the cabin is on that he knows he never leaves on.

When he gets inside and heads back to the bedroom and sees Mike missing he's a little pissed, but mostly impressed. He knows he had help. There's no getting out of those cuffs without help, and when he examines them closer he sees they've been cut. It's definitely Cahill that helped him, he knows that much. He isn't quite sure how he knew where to find Mike, but it doesn't necessarily matter at this point. He'd already gotten what he needed from Mike, whether he was aware of it or not. 

It seems Mike was in a hurry to leave and left a lot of his things lying around. Luke gathers them up and stuffs them into a bag. He decides he'll be extra nice and swing by his place to drop them off. 

\-----

Sean moves from the chair to the couch, Mike's been quiet for a while and he hopes that's a sign that he's fallen asleep. 

He turns on the tv with the volume down so low that it might as well be muted and tries to relax if there even is such a thing anymore. 

It's a little after 8 when he hears a knock at the door. There's a very small part of him that thinks it could be Harvey, but reality snuffs that part out quickly. He gets up and walks towards the door and looks through the peephole. He doesn't see anybody so he slides the chain across and opens the door. Nobody's there, but there is a bag sitting on the welcome mat.

Sean picks it up and turns to bring it inside. 

"Jesus Mike, you scared me," Sean says when he nearly runs into Mike. 

"I thought maybe--" 

"I know."

"What is that?"

"I don't know, somebody knocked and left it," Sean says, already starting to open the bag and reach in. 

The first thing he pulls out is a set of car keys. "What the hell is this?" 

Mike takes them from his hand. "Fuck. Those are Harvey's," he says before grabbing the entire bag from Sean and rifling through it. "My clothes. And here's my phone. Luke was just here."

"What?"

"There's no gun though. He didn't bring the gun. Fuck, why didn't he bring everything but the gun? What if he--?"

"Mike!," Sean shouts loud enough to startle him into momentary silence. "I need you to calm down a little."

Mike nods. 

"The gun you had, who is it registered to? Where did you get it from?"

"It's not registered to anybody, it's a ghost gun."

"And you're absolutely sure of this? Because it's really fucking important that you're positive."

"I'm positive but what the fuck does traceable matter if he shoots Harvey with it."

"I don't think he's going to shoot anybody."

"Oh, really? You don't _think_ he will? That sure puts my fucking mind at ease."

"I'm just saying, he's had his opportunity to use a gun and he hasn't." 

Sean realizes his rationale isn't exactly the most comforting thing, but without being able to provide guarantees nothing is going to sound comforting to Mike. 

"Did that guy, the detective, or whatever, get back to you?"

"Yeah, he said he can meet us first thing tomorrow morning," Sean explains. He's expecting Mike to comment on how it's not soon enough or why not now, and he even opens his mouth to say something but closes it just as fast, his shoulders slump in defeat and he pushes past Sean and heads towards the kitchen. 

Sean follows him, stops at the entranceway, and leans against the wall. Mike is pouring himself a glass of something. 

"I should call him," he says after he empties the first glass he pours and winces at the burn. "I have my phone back, I have his phone number."

"You're not calling him," Sean firmly tells him. "You're going to wait until tomorrow morning, and you're going to talk to the detective and we'll go from there."

Mike finishes his second drink.

"And I don't think you should be showing up to see him hungover, either." Sean moves in closer to take the bottle away from Mike, but he slides it away and shields it with his body.

"Get the fuck away from me, Sean."

Sean puts his hands in the air and backs up. "Okay, sorry."

"No," Mike exhales, "I'm sorry. I won't drink. Or do anything stupid. I want to do whatever I need to do to help him."

"Good."

\-----

Harvey hears the jingling of keys at the front door, the door opening, and then the passcode being typed into the security system. Luke appears shortly after, a pizza in hand. 

"Sorry, it took so long. I had to run a last-minute errand before coming back. Are you hungry?"

"A little," Harvey admits.

Luke sits the pizza box on the black marble coffee table that sits in front of the couch and excuses himself. He comes back a few minutes later with plates, napkins, and two bottles of beer. He hands the plates and napkins to Harvey sitting down with the beers. He twists the caps off one by one and sits them down in front of them. 

He opens the lid of the box and tells Harvey to get a piece, which he does, then he gets his own and closes the box, sliding to the side to make room. 

Harvey feels uncomfortable. It seems so strangely intimate to be sitting on a couch next to him, sharing pizza and a beer the way he'd done so many times with Mike. 

"Did you do anything while I was gone?" 

"No. I just sat here."

"No TV? No exploring the house? I thought for sure you might give that a go."

"You told me to stay where I was."

"I didn't mean it quite that literally."

Harvey takes a bite of pizza. For what it's worth, it's not as good as the kind he and Mike ordered. The beer seems more appealing, but he wishes it were something stronger.

-

They're about twenty minutes into eating, or rather Luke eating, Harvey has barely managed to finish half a slice thus far. He is, however, on his second beer.

"You know, your boyfriend tried to kill me," Luke casually drops into the conversation out of nowhere.

"What?" Harvey's eyes widen and his head jerks to look at Luke. 

"The day you came here with me? Mike found my cabin and tried to shoot me."

Harvey hears what he's saying, but he's struggling to comprehend any of it. 

"I'll give him credit, that kid has some balls."

"Where is he now? Did you hurt him?" Havey asks, hoping he doesn't sound as panicked as he's starting to feel. 

"He's home, I presume. And I won't lie to you, I did have to hit him, but only to get the gun away so he couldn't hurt me, or himself with it."

"Is he okay? What happened after you hit him?"

"I took care of him, Harvey. I let him get cleaned up, gave him medicine, got him new clothes, I even fed him."

"And then what? You just...let him go?"

"Pretty much. I mean, if you want to be technical I guess you could say I released him into the care of Sean Cahill. Which, I'm sure Sean was all too happy to have the chance to play knight in shining armor to Mike. But that's another topic entirely."

"So, Mike's okay?" Harvey knows he already asked once, but he needs to hear it again.

"He's okay, I promise you. I could let you call him so you can hear his voice if that's what you need to ease your mind."

"You would let me do that?"

"Of course. But I would need something in exchange."

And there it is. There's _always_ a fucking catch with him. "What's that?" 

"I just need you to remind him not to go to the police. I have a feeling Cahill is going to get in his head and try to get him to call in the calvary, so to speak. I want to make sure we can carry out our deal. Is that something you can do for me?"

"Mike isn't going to go to the cops, I told him he can never go to them about any of this."

"Mike also fired a gun at me, so I don't think issuing him a friendly reminder to not go to the police is such a bad idea."

"I'll remind him."

"Let me go get the phone. Fair warning, you can't talk long to him either. When I say wrap it up, you need to wrap it up."

"Okay. I understand."

Luke gets up and disappears down the hallway, coming back a few moments later with a phone and a laptop in hand. "Here you go."

"What's the computer for?"

"It's to make sure he answers. We can't use your actual phone because that can be traced relatively easily, so instead, we're just going to make it look like the call is coming from your number. This one can't be traced."

"Oh."

"Go ahead and dial."

Harvey dials Mike's number and swallows hard when it rings the first time. Mike answers on the second ring.

"Harvey? Is that you?"

"Mike, it's me. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. Where are you? Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay, Mike. I'll be home soon. Just like last time, okay?"

"I'm going to find you."

"Don't. Listen to me carefully, Mike. Don't call the cops, okay? Just trust me that I will be home very soon. I'm not hurt."

"Harvey, he tied me to a bed and said he was going to bad things to me. Sean saved me from him."

Luke places a hand on top of Harvey's and whispers for him to wrap it up. 

"I have to go, Mike. Please don't call the cops. I love you and miss you."

"Harvey--"

Luke takes the phone from Harvey's hand and hangs it up. 

Harvey immediately stands up. "You tied him to a fucking bed? You were going to do bad things to him? How fucking convenient that you leave those parts out of the story you told me."

"Harvey, that's not what happened. Come here, sit back down," Luke says, grabbing for his arm.

Harvey shoves him in the chest, causing him to stumble back a few steps. "Don't touch me!"

"Look, I did tie him to the bed. Just because it was more comfortable. And I never said I was going to do bad things to him, I said I'd _like_ to. But I was _never_ going to hurt him."

Harvey laughs incredulously. "Do you ever even listen to yourself? The way you justify the bullshit you do?" 

"Listen, I didn't _have_ to tell you any of this, I didn't _have_ to let you call him. He had a _gun_ pointed at me, with the safety off, ready to fire. There's a hole in my fucking cabinet where the bullet went. Let him try that shit with somebody else and laying in bed for a few hours will seem like a welcomed alternative."

Luke takes several steps forward, closing any distance that was formerly between them and grabbing a fistful of hair from the back of Harvey's head. "Besides, I don't need to do bad things to him, that's what _you're_ here for." He yanks Harvey head back and spins him around, before pushing him forward until he's bent over the arm of the couch, with Luke's palm of his hand pressing down hard into the small of his back to hold him in place.

"Get off of me," Harvey shouts, as he pushes up with all the strength he can muster and sends Luke flying back a few steps before he regains his balance. 

Harvey is expecting him to be mad when he turns around, but the expression on his face is nowhere close to anything resembling anger. He's got a huge smile stretched from ear to ear. "Oh Harvey, two weeks with you just isn't going to be long enough."

"Put me back in the basement," Harvey demands. 

"Manners, Harvey."

"Please. I don't want to be up here anymore."

"Fine. Let's go."

Luke walks him back down the stairs and ties him up, per Harvey's request. He doesn't say a single word to him before walking back up the stairs, slamming the door on his way out. 

\-----

It's a long night, especially after the phone call. Mike tells Sean what Harvey had said and they spend the entire night fighting about it, Sean finally winning out in the end with Mike agreeing to still go forth with their plan to meet the detective, which was one of Sean's biggest selling points, that they weren't going to the police, they were seeing a singular detective. A technicality he's sure Harvey wouldn't appreciate.

One of Mike's biggest deciding factors is that Harvey told him he'd be home soon, and the last time he had said those exact words to him he didn't see him until _months_ later. He can barely get through days, let alone even imagine months. He doesn't think he or Harvey could survive it a second time. Some days it feels like they never survived it in the first place.

-

They meet with Detective Miller and Mike tells him everything he can think of that could possibly be of help. He gives him a detailed description of what he looks like, he gives him dates Luke's contacted him, phone numbers, the address of the cabin, the clothes he wore the day he went there, and as hard as it is, he relays the majority of things Harvey told him that Luke did to him. He has to take a break in the middle of it because it gets too hard, but he wants urgency to be placed on it and that's the best way he thinks he can attain it. 

Detective Miller asks a lot of questions and is extremely thorough. Mike answers them all to the best of his ability. The only detail he decides to leave out is the fact that he had a gun. No matter how lenient Sean seems to think this guy is, Mike can't see a situation in which disclosing that helps him or Harvey in any way. 

They're there nearly two full hours before he shakes their hands, sends them on their way and tells them he will be in contact. They both thank him and head back to Mike's.

Sean decides not to go to work, he doesn't feel safe leaving Mike home alone, especially considering Luke had been right outside his door at some point last night. 

Mike goes into his room when they get back and Sean figures he won't see him for the majority of the day. 

\-----

"I want to know what you told him. Right now," Luke insists.

"Told who?" Harvey asks, genuinely confused. 

Luke lands a hard punch to Harvey's jaw that sends jolts of pain all the way up through his skull. 

"You used some codeword or some bullshit like that, didn't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Harvey says again.

Luke punches him two more times, Harvey can taste the copper on his tongue. 

"Mike went to see a fucking detective. Gave him all kinds of information about me. Not that they'll ever be able to find this place, but it's the principle. You were supposed to convince him not to go for help."

"I did try. You heard the entire phone call, I didn't say anything to him."

"I'm sure you're happy he did though, right?" Luke brings his foot back and kicks him in the chest and stomach several times. "That's the same goddamn thing to me."

Harvey doubles over as far as the ropes will allow him and he cries out in pain. "I...no...I don't want..." Harvey pants, trying desperately to get the rest of the words out, "anything bad to happen to you."

Harvey prepares himself to be hit again, as much as he can in his current position, but Luke drops down to the ground. He pinches the bridge of his nose and starts to cry. "I'm so sorry. I should have known better than to accuse you of that. Fuck, I'm sorry. Here," he says, getting up and moving around the back to untie Harvey. "Stand up."

Harvey grimaces pulling himself up to his feet.

"Hit me," Luke says. "I'll put my hands behind my back, go ahead."

There should be some part that at least wants to, or at least thinks about taking a swing. He had punched people in the past for just saying the wrong thing to him on the wrong day. That part of him just isn't there anymore. At least when it comes to Luke.

"I can't."

Luke reaches a hand up and gently cups Harveys face with it. "You're too good to me. Come with me, I'll get you patched up."

Luke takes Harvey upstairs, has him sit down on the couch and cleans up the cut on his lip, and gets him an ice pack for his jaw. He covers him up with a blanket and sits down next to him, before grabbing Harvey and pulling him down until his head settles on his lap where he gently strokes his hair until his eyes go closed.

\-----

It's been 9 days that Harvey's been gone. Mike is a fucking wreck. He can't eat, can't sleep, he drinks himself sick every night and blames Sean for everything because he's the only one there to blame besides himself. Mike regularly gets in his face, screams at him, throws things, and tells him to get the fuck out of his house, but before Sean can ever actually leave Mike breaks down crying, apologizes and begs him to stay because the thought of being alone with his thoughts is terrifyingly unbearable. 

Anytime they get a call from the detective it's to tell them that he's hit another dead end. And then he presents some new lead as if following that one is finally going to be the one that pays off. It's all rinse and repeat bullshit. He knows should have never gone in the first place because all it did was provide him with a way to have a small flicker of hope pop up every day or two, just to have it snuffed out hours later. He's sick of the cycle of hopelessness. 

\-----

Harvey hasn't been back in the basement since he volunteered to go last time. Luke keeps him close by his side and has been extra sweet to him. They mostly just hang around the house and watch movies. Luke even let Harvey venture out to the backyard on a particularly nice day to read a book. 

It's all feels very domesticated in a way that Harvey tries not to allow himself to think about too long or he'll start to feel sick in both his stomach and his heart. 

He goes back to sleeping in Luke's bed. He would feel more guilty about it if Luke didn't keep his distance, but he does, save for a limb getting tangled with one of his every once in a while when they're asleep.

It's all fine until it isn't. 

"I want you," Luke whispers against Harvey's ear. Harvey hasn't even opened his eyes yet, and he thinks maybe he probably shouldn't. 

"Harvey."

"I'm tired Luke, let me sleep a little longer." Harvey still doesn't open his eyes.

"Open your eyes, I want to try something with you. And then you can go back to sleep."

Harvey reluctantly opens his eyes. "What do you want to try?"

"I want to fuck you."

"You already have."

"Not since you've been back."

"What if I say no?"

"Then we do things much more forcefully. Come on, Harvey, it's going to happen whether you want it or not, but I want to make it easier for you this time." Luke rolls over and grabs something out of the top drawer of his nightstand. "Open your mouth for me."

"You want to drug me first?" 

"You'll sleep through it. You won't even remember it."

Harvey can feel tears prickling the corners of his eyes. 

"Open your mouth," Luke repeats, the tone of his voice letting Harvey know that he wasn't going to ask a third time. 

Harvey opens his mouth and Luke spills some of the bitter liquid into it before clamping a hand over his mouth until he feels him swallow underneath it. "Good boy. Now just give it some time to kick in."

Harvey doesn't think it's working at first because when Luke starts to snake his hand under the covers and down to the waistband of his pants he is painfully aware of everything that's happening. His body goes rigid and Luke ghosts his mouth over Harvey's, encouraging him to just relax and enjoy it. He feels him pull both his pants and his boxers down until they're caught at his ankles. The covers are tossed aside and he feels the slight change of temperature.

Luke wraps his hand around Harvey's cock and strokes him, it draws a low moan from Harvey. He hates that it feels good, hates that he can feel himself getting hard. 

"I knew you wanted this as much as I did," Luke says before replacing his hand with his mouth, sucking Harvey slowly and methodically. 

"Stop. Please," he says. Or at least, he thinks he says it. His brain feels like it's in a heavy fog and his mouth feels like it's full of glue and all his words don't sound like words to him anymore. 

Luke can tell everything is kicking in, and it makes him pick up his pace. He takes Harvey's entire length in his mouth and sucks hard, hallowing out his cheeks and swirling his tongue around him until he comes. Luke looks up at Harvey and his eyes are squeezed tightly shut his cheeks are wet with tears. 

By the time Luke hooks his arm and rolls him onto his stomach, everything has become extremely fuzzy. The weight of Luke disappears momentarily, and he hears the drawer of the nightstand open before the weight is back on him. His limbs are heavy and he tries to push himself up and off of the mattress but he's not sure he's even moved at all. He continues to fight to keep his eyes open, but even they seem to get heavier by the second until he's eventually only able to flutter them open occasionally, just enough to briefly catch a glimpse of blurred red numbers on the alarm clock that sits on the nightstand closest to him.

"How are you feeling, baby? Is it working?"

"No. Stop. I feel...sick."

"I'll make you feel better, I promise. Just close your eyes."

Everything after that point feels like it happens in pieces. Disjointed puzzle pieces that he's sure his mind will find a way to piece together at some point to form the singular horrifying image of everything that happened in vivid detail. He knows it's something that will have him shooting up in bed drenched in his sweat.

-

When he wakes up his boxers and sweat pants are back on and he's tucked neatly beneath the covers. He can hear the rain coming down hard outside, there's rolling thunder somewhere off in the distance, and Luke is nowhere to be seen.

He sits up and immediately regrets it. Even with grey skies outside and the room lit to no more than a dull glow his head is throbbing and everything is much too bright. He pulls himself from out beneath the covers and winces at the familiar soreness when he attempts to push himself up out of the bed. He walks towards the bathroom and every step he takes hurts. 

All it takes is catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror for tears to start filling his eyes. Panic settles in his chest and his throat feels like it's constricting as a wave of nausea settles in on him.

He turns the water faucet on with shaking hands and splashes cold water on his face until he's able to calm himself down. He grabs a clean towel and pats his face dry with it, before tossing it aside, carefully avoiding the mirror on the way out.

He walks through the house until he finds Luke sitting on a recliner in the living room. He's focused on reading something on his laptop and doesn't notice him at first. Harvey takes a few more steps towards him until he does.

"You're finally awake. How are you feeling?"

"Sick."

"Let me get you some water," Luke says, hopping up and leaving to go grab a bottle of water from the fridge. He comes back, twists the cap off, and hands it to Harvey. "Here, drink it. All of it. It will help you feel better."

Harvey drinks nearly all of it, thirsty and desperate to wash the bitterness away that still lingers on his tongue. 

"What do you remember?" 

"Not much. Bits and pieces."

"Was doing it this way better than the other times?"

"Does it even matter?"

Luke shrugs. "Not to me."

\-----

The dark circles under Mike's eyes are becoming more prominent each passing day. He barely sleeps, and when he does he has nightmares about Harvey being dead. Ones that feel so goddamn real that they make him wake up screaming, face drained of color and eyes full of fear, chest heaving and sobbing so hard he always ends up throwing up, or rather, dry heaving over the toilet because he never eats enough to have anything _to_ throw up, the exception being when Sean makes him take a few bites of whatever he cooked for him. 

-

"Let me guess, a new shiny fucking lead?" MIke slurs drunkenly, walking around the corner and into the room after he hears Sean get finished with a phone call.

"It really sounds promising, Mike."

"All of them sound promising until they aren't. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. I wish he'd stop calling every goddamn time he thinks he's found something."

"He needed a little more information, that's why he called this time," Sean explains.

"From you? About what? We already gave him a novel of information and he hasn't managed to produce a single thing worthwhile. Fuck, I'm better off calling Luke myself and having him meet me somewhere."

"Jesus, Mike. Don't start this shit again. You're _not_ calling or meeting him."

"Are you going to stop me? Maybe tie me up in a basement how Harvey probably is right now?" Mike tips the bottle into his mouth, taking a large gulp that nearly chokes him. "That's if, you know, he's even alive at this point. He was probably killed with my gun."

"Knock it off, Mike."

"Fuck you, Sean," Mike hisses before turning and stumbling his way back to the bedroom, the bottle still firmly grasped in his hand. 

Sean _really_ hopes this lead pans out. He doesn't know how much more disappointment Mike can take.


	37. Chapter 37

Luke makes breakfast but Harvey doesn't touch it, and clearly isn't in the mood for casual conversation so Luke suggests he go back to the bedroom and take a nap. Harvey doesn't foresee himself being able to sleep at all, but he'll gladly take the chance to have some time away from Luke. 

His head still hurts and feels like it's been stuffed with cotton, and his thoughts still feel slow and trapped in a lingering haze. Not having access to clear concise thoughts doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world. 

He closes his eyes and hopes sleep pulls him under. He wants to chip away at the time he has left here, though admittedly, he's not even sure how long he's been here. He just knows that it has to be getting close to the end. 

-

Despite his best efforts, all he manages to do is toss and turn and think too much.

He sees the door slowly pushed open, and Luke walks in, and slowly approaches the bed. 

"Were you able to get some sleep?"

"No."

Luke climbs onto the bed and scoots himself backward until his back is resting against the headboard of the bed. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"How many days are left?" Harvey decides to ask.

"I would have thought you'd be counting the seconds down," Luke replies. "Four."

"Okay." Harvey's not sure if that's a good answer or a bad one. Four doesn't seem like much to have left, but at the same time, it's felt like he's been here far longer than ten days. 

"Has it been easier for you this time?"

Harvey scoffs at the word _easier_. 

"I know, it's not easy, but humor me. Overall, how has it been?"

"It's just making me more confused."

"Why's that?"

"Because I still don't understand why. Especially you having me come back here with you for two weeks just for what...to have casual conversations with me over dinner? Watch tv on the couch together? Sleep in the same bed as me? Use me for sex? I don't understand it."

"Sometimes there's not a why, sometimes people just do things because they can, and you of all people should understand that."

"What are you talking about?"

"You hired a kid without a law degree. Why'd you do that?" Luke asks, waiting for Harvey to answer but instead, he's met with silence. "Exactly, you did it because you could. And you wanted to see what happened if you did it. It gave you a certain kind of thrill, right?"

"That's not the same thing," Harvey argues.

"Isn't it though? What about the kid's wedding? You knew what you were doing when you charged in there telling the kid you were in love with him. You knew nothing good would come out of it for anybody but you...so you went ahead with it. Why? Simply because you knew you could."

"That's not--I didn't--" Harvey tries to explain but ends up tripping over his words. 

"I've told you before Harvey, we're not that different. We both hurt people, just in different ways, is all. I'm a little more...hands-on if you will."

Harvey utters a sigh before sitting up fully, uncovering himself and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He rubs a hand through his hair, a trace of sadness flitting across his face. 

Luke shifts forward enough that he can give Harvey's shoulder a quick squeeze, "Come on, let me get you a drink. I think we both could use one."

He doesn't wait for Harvey's response before getting out of the bed, but by the time he reaches the door, he can hear footsteps behind him. 

-

He pours two glasses and holds one out for Harvey before tipping his glass towards Harvey. Harvey ignores it and instead lifts his glass to his mouth. The whiskey burns his chest as it slides down, a familiar feeling that he didn't know quite how bad he had missed until now. 

Luke takes a small sip of his. "Let's go sit outside." 

Harvey follows him through the house and out the patio door. They each sit down on one of the patio chairs that are positioned next to each other, with a small wooden table sat between them that Luke uses to place his glass down on. Harvey holds onto his. 

It's relatively warm outside, a slight breeze adding the tiniest nip to the air. The sky is bright blue, and the sun is peeking in and out of the clouds that seem to be hurrying by. 

They sit in silence for a long time. It's not uncomfortable, but rather easy and warm in all the ways that it shouldn't be. 

"Do you think you'll ever miss me?" 

Harvey looks over at Luke and he's looking back at him expectantly like he already knows the answer and is just wanting to hear him say it. "No, I won't. Not even a little bit," Harvey responds, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

"I think you will," Luke replies without missing a beat, a fond smile crawling across his lips. He picks up his glass from the table and downs the rest of its contents. He huffs out a small laugh and shakes his head. "Do you want me to get you a refill?"

"Sure."

Harvey holds his glass out and Luke collects it from his hand before disappearing back inside. 

-

Drink two becomes drink three, and after three they move back inside where Luke insists that Harvey needs to eat something if they're going to drink any more as he has yet to eat anything all day. Harvey thinks back to the time he was here before when Luke used to let him go days without food, now he won't let him go even a few hours.

He settles on having toast because it's the easiest way to get Luke to stop bugging him about it. The first two pieces that pop up from the toaster are black as night, and a good indicator that Luke might be moving past slightly buzzed into drunk territory, which is a little scary to Harvey. Some of the worst things Luke has done to him have been when he was drunk. 

Harvey explains that he's capable of making his toast and suggests that Luke go sit down. To his surprise, Luke doesn't argue and goes and does just that. Harvey tosses the burnt bread into the trash and puts two fresh slices in, turning the knob down several notches before pressing them down into the toaster. 

When they pop up, he butters them, tosses them on a plate, and joins Luke. 

"Do you--?" Harvey begins to offer before quickly being cut off.

"No, you need it. Eat."

Harvey does just that, while Luke gets up and heads into the kitchen to replenish his drink. A bad feeling is starting to settle in and make itself at home in the pit of Harvey's stomach.

-

Luke comes back in, glass full as Harvey finishes his last bite of food. He gets up and takes his plate to the sink, washes it off, and returns to the couch. 

"I think they're finally figuring it out," Luke blurts out moments after Harvey has returned.

"Whose figuring what out?" he questions.

"They're figuring out where we are."

"Mike?"

"Mike. Cahill. That fucking hack of a detective they're working with."

"Okay, that's not good, but we only have four days left."

"I know how many fucking days we have left," Luke snaps at him.

Harvey shrinks into himself. "Sorry." He waits for a beat. "What are we going to do? I mean, if they find us before times up?"

"I'll...figure something out. There is, however, something I could use from you..." Luke reaches over and touches his thigh, giving it a slight squeeze.

"What's that?"

"Could you get me another drink first?"

"Yeah, sure," Harvey says with a short, sharp sigh before picking up his glass and walking into the kitchen. He pours it slowly, puts the bottle back, and leans forward placing his elbows on the counter while he tries to mentally prepare himself for whatever the hell it is that he'll be walking back into. 

"Harvey?" Luke yells from the other room. Harvey hurriedly collects the drink off the counter and heads back.

"Here," he says, holding it out for him. Luke takes it and motions for Harvey to sit down. 

Luke keeps his eyes locked on Harvey, observing every inch of him as he starts to work his way to the bottom of the glass. The burn of it now is still just as invigorating as the first glass had been, maybe even more so. 

"I want you to hurt me," he says.

"What?"

"You heard me, I want you to hurt me."

"Why would you want that?"

"Because I want to know if you're capable of it."

"Of course I'm capable of it, but I--"

"So show me. If you're so sure you're capable of it, then show me."

"You're drunk," Harvey says like its the explanation for any or even all of this.

"I am, but that has nothing to do with anything."

Harvey still refuses. "I'm not doing it."

"Right. You can't hurt the ones you love."

"It has nothing to do with _love_ ," Harvey refutes, standing up and putting distance between them. 

Luke stands up and moves towards him. "Then what is it? You had no problem putting your hands on Cahill."

"That's different!"

Luke erases the distance between them, moving close enough that they are nearly chest to chest, standing mere inches apart. Harvey's gaze flickers around the room, trying to look anywhere but at him.

"Just hit me. Once. I deserve it, and you deserve to be able to do it to me."

"Luke, please leave me alone."

"What do you think it says about you that you let me put my hands all over you, however, I want, whenever I want, but you won't take a swing at me even when I give you full permission?"

Harvey's stomach clenches at the words but he tries his best to appear unaffected by them. 

"Come on, Harvey. I know you've got some pent up anger somewhere in you," Luke says, lightly poking him in the chest, just enough to knock him the tiniest bit off-kilter.

"I think you're scared you'll like it, the same way you liked putting your hand around my throat. You got off on that shit, didn't you?" 

"I didn't get off on anything," Harvey denies. "I'm going to go get you a glass of water so you can start sobering up." 

He turns to walk away, but Luke's hands are wrapped around his arm, fingers digging in and pulling him back, holding him in place. 

"Let go of me," Harvey says. It comes out sounding weak, even to himself. 

"Make me."

Harvey yanks his arm out of his grasp. Luke decides a different approach is in order. "Can I show you something?" It's not really a question, so Harvey doesn't bother answer, but rather waiting for whatever it is he was going to show him. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and pokes at the screen a few times before turning it towards Harvey. 

It's a picture of Mike, and he's tied up to a bed, arms, and legs. There's a gash on his head and he looks terrified. Harvey averts his eyes, not being able to stomach looking at it any longer.

"Beautiful, right?"

"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work," Harvey warns. "I know Mike's okay, the picture doesn't matter."

"A picture of Mike might not matter to you, but do you think a video of you would matter to Mike?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Since my time with you is dwindling I decided to take a little video of us this morning, you know, as something to remember you by, I was thinking about sending Mike a copy too."

Harvey's chest tightens and his breath begins to hitch out of his control. "W-why would you fucking do that?" 

"I was doing you a favor, now you don't have to explain anything to him. He can just watch the video."

Harvey stands silent for a moment, mouth slightly agape and chest starting to rise and fall at an increasing rate. Luke opens his mouth to say something and before he can get anything out Harvey lurches forward, grips him by the collar of his shirt, and drives him backward until he slams against the nearest wall, shaking a picture loose and sending it crashing down to the ground beneath.

"You fucking asshole," he shouts.

Harvey swings hard at him, landing a blow neatly under his jaw, sending his head snapping back and bouncing off the wall behind him. Luke's body goes slightly slack and he starts to droop down against the wall. Harvey grips a hand around his throat and drags him back up to his feet with it. 

Luke's eyes are glossed over, but he still has a smile on his face that Harvey wants desperately to wipe off. He tightens the grip on his throat, and pulls him from the wall, shoving him out and away from it. He stumbles forward, loses his balance, and falls to his hands and knees. Harvey kicks him hard in the ribs, making him moan and cough and immediately place a hand over the area. 

"Is this what you wanted from me?!" Harvey yells, voice raspy and cracked. He swings his leg back and launches it forward, landing another kick to his ribs. 

Luke is leaning on shaky hands and knees, still using one arm to cradle his ribs protectively. Harvey uses his foot to push him over. He falls to the floor with ease and rolls himself over so that he's flat on his back.

Harvey stands over him, reaches down, grabs a fistful of his shirt to hold on to, and swings down hard on him, fist connecting with face over and over until Luke's body starts to feel like dead weight underneath the grasp on the shirt. Harvey untwists his hand from the fabric and let's go of it completely sending Luke dropping back down against the floor with a soft thud. 

There's no more smiling or laughing coming from Luke now, just the sound of his labored breathing and the occasional small moan escaping his bloodied mouth. 

Harvey stands up straight and takes several steps backward, his adrenaline fading quickly and sudden awareness of what he'd done replacing it.

He walks over and kneels next to him. "I'm so sorry," he starts to apologize. 

"Don't. You did...good," Luke says, his words spiraling into a cough that makes him wince and hold his ribs tighter each time. He tries to smile but with his swollen eye, the smile doesn't reach very far on his face. 

"Help me up," he says softly, reaching the hand not clutching his ribs up to Harvey. Harvey takes it, and very carefully and gently helps him up to his feet and leads him over to the couch. 

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get an ice pack," Harvey tells him before turning to leave the room.

"Harvey," Luke stops him. "Under the sink in the bathroom there's a first aid kit, grab that, too."

Harvey nods in acknowledgment before rushing off to gather the items he needs.

-

He comes back with his arms full and haphazardly dumps everything down onto the coffee table. 

"I'm going to clean the blood off first, okay?" he asks as he picks up the damp cloth he'd brought with him. He tries to move the cloth over his skin as lightly as possible, but he still sees the grimace on Luke's face whenever he goes over certain areas. 

Next, he picks up the antiseptic cream and squeezes some onto his finger. He slowly and gently applies it to the abrasion on Luke's cheek causing him to jerk a little at the touch. "Sorry," Harvey apologizes before applying it to the smaller one under his lip.

He picks up the ice pack next and hands it to Luke who presses it to his ribs and holds it firmly in place. 

Harvey twists the cap off of the Tylenol bottle and shakes three into his hand, before reaching over to grab the bottle of water and twist the cap off of that. He holds his palm out in front of Luke.

"Can you, uh, give me some help? Please." 

"Open your mouth," Harvey says, his own choice of words unintentionally transporting him back to earlier in the morning when Luke had said the very same thing to him. It's one of those moments he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

Luke notices, his face lighting up with a knowing grin. He opens his mouth and Harvey quickly tosses the pills in and lifts the bottle to his mouth, tilting it back so he can wash them down.  
"You should ice your eye, too." Harvey reaches behind him and grabs the second ice pack.

"Can you hold this one for me," he asks, pointing at the ice pack on his ribs, "while I do my eye?" 

"Sure," Harvey replies. He sits down next to him and Luke removes his hand from it so he can replace it with his own. Luke covers his eye and cheek with the ice pack, letting out a small whimper when he touches his skin. 

Everything gets quiet. The room is filled with something that resembles tension between the two of them and the ticking of the clock that hangs on the wall to the far left of them. 

"I didn't take a video of anything," Luke says, his confession cutting through the silence. "Just so you know."

"You didn't?" Harvey asks, already sounding relieved at just the notion of it.

Luke shakes his head.

"Then why would you even say that to me?"

"I needed to get you mad, and I was running out of ways to do it. I have to say, I am a little disappointed that you believed I would do that to you, you know, after everything."

"You kept cameras in my house for months, is it really that far of a stretch?"

"Fair enough," Luke resigns before sighing and leaning his head back against the couch and closing his eyes. 

"What was all of this about? I don't get it."

Luke opens his eyes, or at least the eye that's not covered with the ice pack, and sits up slightly. "How did hitting me feel? Not right now at this moment, but while you were doing it? Answer honestly."

There's hesitation on Harvey's face as he contemplates his answer. "It felt... _good_ ," he admits.

"Exactly. It's just another way we're alike, Harvey. You have to see that by now."

"I never _wanted_ you to hurt me. You _asked_ for this. You pushed me until I did it. There's a difference," Harvey argues.

"That sounds a lot like you're saying I _made_ you do it. When the reality is, at the end of the day, you did it because you _wanted_ to, the same way that everything I did to you is because I _wanted_ to. It's the same damn thing."

Harvey lifts his hand from the ice pack and it slips down onto Luke's lap before pushing himself up off of the sofa. 

"Where are you going?" Luke asks.

"To bed. I'm sick and tired of your mind games. You can nurse your own goddamn wounds since this is what you wanted so fucking bad," Harvey shouts before exiting the room and heading into the bedroom.

Once he's in the bedroom, he crawls directly into bed. He pulls the covers up and it's only then that he notices his own hands, his knuckles are bloody and starting to bruise, the colors standing out in stark contrast to the white sheets they're up against.

He reaches over and turns off the light and closes his eyes. He just wants to sleep to put an end to this day.

It's only been about ten minutes since he turned off the light when it comes back on. He doesn't bother opening his eyes, but he feels the weight of the bed shift as Luke climbs in, small hisses of pain coming from his mouth as he adjusts himself and tries to get comfortable.

Harvey is waiting for him to say something, maybe offer a bullshit apology or try to throw an arm around him, but it never comes. Instead, he turns off the light and Harvey can eventually hear his breathing shallow out as he falls to sleep.

Harvey's fortunate that he's excruciatingly tired because it means that his mind doesn't have the legs to be able to wander very far and think about much beyond just closing his eyes and drifting away. He self-soothes himself to sleep with the fact that there are only three more days left to get through.


	38. Chapter 38

Harvey opens his eyes and feels the weight of Luke's arm across his chest, it's comforting if he doesn't think too much about the implications of it. He doesn't move it off of him, just adjusts in bed so he can better observe him. 

He looked bad enough last night, but the light of day is holding up a magnifying glass to everything and showing exactly just how awful. Luke's still very swollen despite using ice, and there's an array of blue, purple, and yellow bruising melding together on various areas of his face, mostly along his jawline. There's still dried blood on his lip and under his chin where it had trailed down and had been absorbed by his shirt. Harvey's entire body suddenly feels full of guilt and regret and he wants nothing more than to take it all back.

But he understands now. All of the apologies, the ones Harvey thought were complete bullshit for the longest time, suddenly make sense. They had always sounded sincere, remorse dripping off of Luke's every word, but they didn't make sense, because Luke did terrible things to him. He _chose_ to do terrible things, he wanted to do them, so how could he really ever be sorry about it? But Harvey gets it now. He did a terrible thing to Luke, he _chose_ to do a terrible thing, and now he's so fucking sorry about it. He _gets_ it. 

Harvey watches him sleep for a long time, his chest rising and falling evenly. He looks particularly vulnerable and unguarded. It makes something in his chest twist.

"Hey," Luke says when he finally opens his eyes. 

"Hey."

Luke attempts to sit up in the bed, groaning and clutching at his ribs as every inch of movement sends a wave of pain through his body. 

"Let me help you," Harvey says, adjusting himself so he can help slide Luke into an upright position. 

"Thank you," Luke rasps. 

"I'm sorry, Luke. I should have never put my hands on you."

Luke grimaces as he reaches a hand up and lays it on the side of Harvey's face. "You don't have to apologize, you did what I asked you to," he says as he gently strokes his cheek.

"I know, but--"

"Harvey, look at me."

Harvey meets Luke's eyes with his own. 

"It's okay. I promise you. I'm not mad at you and you don't have to apologize for any of it. Do you understand that?"

Harvey swallows hard and nods his head. Luke smiles and removes his hand from Harvey's face.

"Good. Would you mind going out and grabbing me the Tylenol?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll be right back," he says, quickly rolling out of the bed to go grab the bottle, as well as a few other things that will hopefully be able to help him feel better.

When he comes back Luke is out of bed and standing in front of the full-length mirror that sits in the far corner of the room. He has his shirt pulled up and seems to be observing the bruising that lines his ribs. He gently touches them with his fingers and winces with each touch. 

He drops his shirt back down when he sees Harvey walk into the room and assures him that it's not as bad as it looks. Harvey lays his supplies at the end of the bed and walks over to Luke. 

"Let me get you a clean shirt, okay?" 

"Sure, that would be nice."

Harvey goes to his dresser and grabs the first t-shirt he sees. He helps Luke strip out of his blood-stained shirt and tosses it into the dirty laundry hamper before helping him into the clean shirt. 

Luke thanks him and Harvey helps him crawl back into bed before giving him the Tylenol he had asked for. Luke tosses the pills in his mouth and washes them down with the entire bottle of water.

"Do you need anything else? Are you hungry? Can I--?"

Luke cuts Harvey off. "Come back to bed with me."

Harvey does, and that's where they spend the majority of the day. Harvey only venturing away to get them food or grab Luke another blanket when he complains that the ice packs Harvey insists that he keep on him are making him cold.

\-----

Mike is told that they're very close to finding Harvey. He doesn't know what that means and when he asks, they never elaborate on anything. Just tell him to relax. _Relax_. What a stupid fucking thing to ask of someone in his position, he thinks. 

He thinks Sean knows more than he admits to. He's walked in on him on the phone numerous times talking to somebody in hushed tones and Sean always scrambles to get off the phone when he sees Mike. He doesn't have the best poker face and Mike knows he's hiding something or withholding information from him somehow. 

He figures one of two things are true; they're either not any closer than they ever were or they truly are close and don't want to give Mike any information on the account that he'll do something stupid and fuck up everything.

He doesn't want to mess up anything on the account that the latter is true so he's choosing to relax by drinking copious amounts of liquor. 

\-----

"What's wrong?" Harvey asks when Luke suddenly stops stroking his hair. 

"Nothing's wrong, I just need to go check something."

"Can I come? I mean...do you need help?"

"Just stay right here, okay?"

"Okay."

Luke slowly staggers his way out of the room, and Harvey doesn't see him for so long that he feels himself getting worried. He thinks about getting out of the bed and going to check on him, but decides against it, figuring it was better off if he just listened to what had been asked of him. 

Luke eventually returns, and Harvey assists him in getting back into the bed. 

"Everything okay?"

"Did anybody ever tell you that you worry too much?" Luke grins.

They both adjust themselves in bed until they're back in the positions they had been before Luke leaving. Luke instantly brings his hand back up and starts running it through Harvey's hair the same way he had been, with slow, calming strokes that made the hair on Harvey's neck stand up. 

"What happens when all of this is over? I just...go home and never hear from you again?"

"That's the idea. You don't have to worry about me contacting you, I won't. I'll stick to my word on this, I swear."

Harvey sits up causing Luke's hand to drop back down to his side. He bites his bottom lip nervously. "What if..." he pushes a breath out. "What if I wanted to contact you?"

"Why would you want to do that, Harvey?"

"I don't know. I don't. I never said I did," Harvey scrambles to deny. "I was just wondering, I guess."

"No contact after this. You move on with your life, I move on with mine. That's how it has to be."

Harvey suddenly feels on the verge of getting emotional, and he's not even sure why. Maybe it's just the idea of having to move on from this and having no idea where to even start, or maybe it's the idea that Luke leaving is starting to settle in and resemble something like abandonment. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither, but it feels overwhelming and tears are starting to form in his eyes and he has to choke back a sob.

"Oh, Harvey," Luke says softly. "Come here." He reaches up and pulls Harvey back down onto him, comforting hands cradling his head up against his chest. It only made Harvey want to cry more because it feels so right, but so completely wrong at the same time and he just wants it all to be over but at the same time he's not ready for it to end and it's all just so goddamn confusing to him. 

Luke shushes him, wiping away his tears and stroking his cheek until he eventually falls asleep wrapped up in his arms. 

\-----

Muffled shouted and pounding abruptly drag Harvey out of his sleep. The bedroom door swings open, and Luke slams it shut behind him. He looks frantic, but he smiles at Harvey and walks slowly towards him.

"Harvey, I need you to get up out of bed and come over to me," he explains calmly. 

"What's going on?" Harvey asks, already climbing out of the bed.

Luke disappears momentarily, the sound of a drawer sliding open and closing before he returns. Luke has a gun in his hand. 

"Where the hell did you get that and what are you going to do with it?"

Harvey can still hear shouting and pounding coming from somewhere beyond the bedroom door, but it's still not close enough for anything to be intelligible. 

"This thing was a parting gift from the kid. Surprisingly it might actually come in handy because as it turns out, we're going to fall a little short of getting our two weeks together," Luke explains as Harvey watches him click the safety off of the gun. 

Panic starts to build in Harvey's chest. "Okay, what the _fuck_ is happening? Are the cops are here?"

"Unfortunately, yes, they are. But it's all going to be okay. I just need you to stay calm."

"How am I supposed to stay calm? You have a fucking _gun_! You can't _shoot_ anybody, Luke."

"I would never shoot anybody, it's not my style. But I need an escape plan, and you just happen to be it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Luke places hands on both sides of Harvey's face, the steel of the gun in his hand brushes against his cheek momentarily and sends a chill coursing through Harvey's body. "Look at me, Harvey."

Harvey's eyes want to look anywhere but at Luke.

"Harvey," Luke repeats, this time firmer.

Harvey hesitantly looks at him. 

"I am going to put this gun to your head, but I am not going to hurt you. I just need them to _think_ I am so I can get out the door, okay?"

"What? You're going to...what? Use me as a fucking shield?"

"Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that, but essentially, yes. Please just trust me on this," Luke asks of him before dropping his hands away from Harvey's face and spinning Harvey around so that he's positioned in front of him, his back up against the front of Luke. He places his forearm around Harvey's throat but doesn't put even the slightest amount of pressure on it. "It's going to feel like this," he explains as he presses the gun against Harvey's temple. "But I'm not going to hurt you," he assures once again.

"Luke," Harvey pleads. "Just let me talk to them and you can--you can sneak out."

In the midst of everything, Luke laughs a little at Harvey's suggestion. "I don't think they're particularly in the mood for a chat, sweetheart. Just stick with me and it will be all right. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good boy. Now, we're going to go down to the basement, there's a door down there we can leave from. We have to move quickly though."

Luke opens the bedroom door and peeks around the corner, it's clear, but he knows they'll be busting down the front door soon so he hurries, keeping Harvey as close to him as possible while rushing him towards the door of the basement. 

They open it and go down the stairs, he lets Harvey go first and follows closely behind. There is a loud crash that comes from upstairs and Luke figures that they finally were able to get through the front door or at the very least they are extremely close to being able to do just that. 

"Hurry up, this way," Luke says, giving Harvey a slight nudge in the right direction. 

They're less than ten feet from the door when it comes crashing in towards them, the sound of wood splintering while hinges are left barely clinging to the wall.

Luke pulls Harvey in close to him and puts the barrel of the gun up against his head. 

"Drop the weapon!" the man shouts at them.

"I'm not dropping anything. Move out of the way or I'm blowing his goddamn head off."

"You know I can't do that."

"Can't do what? Get out of my way or let me blow his head off? Because I'm pretty sure you don't have any control over the second option. Now get the fuck out of my way!"

The detective doesn't move, nor does he lower the weapon he has pointed directly at Luke. 

Luke can hear the handle of the door at the top of the basement rattle and he knows he's only seconds from that door being the next one kicked down. All the walls are closing in.

"Harvey," he whispers to him. "I need you to do one more thing for me."

"Luke," is the only thing Harvey can manage to say around the lump that continues to grow in his throat. 

"I need you to close your eyes for me. Just for a second and this is all going to be over." The voice that had sounded so threatening and talked about blowing his head off just seconds earlier is long gone. His voice now sounds so soft and sad in a way that scares Harvey more than the threatening one had. 

"Luke, don't." Harvey's not sure what he's telling him to not do, but he just feels like something awful is about to happen and he needs it to stop.

"Close your eyes, Harvey."

Harvey doesn't close his eyes and everything after that happens in slow motion. Luke shoves him down to the ground and Harvey watches in horror as Luke lifts and aims the gun before pulling back the trigger. Harvey flinches when he hears three deafening shots being fired off consecutively. 

Luke falls to the ground next to him, a pool of blood quickly forming around and engulfing him.

"Luke?" Harvey cries out, rushing to be next to him. He feels someone's arm reaching for his and he shoves it away. Harvey can see where the bullet has pierced his chest and he tries to put pressure on it, but there's just so much blood, and even with pressure it's still gushing out between his fingers.

"Somebody please help! Call 911" Harvey screams, his voice is guttural and desperate.

"Luke, Luke, Luke, no, no, no," he repeats variations of over and over. Luke has remained entirely motionless and Harvey _knows_. He knows that Luke was likely dead before he even hit the ground, but it can't all end like this. It just can't. This wasn't the plan. 

He reaches his bloodied hand up to his neck to feel for a pulse, and gets the confirmation he doesn't want.

There are a lot of voices around him, they sound like distant echoes and they talk but never say anything and again he feels people put their hands on him and try to pull him away. He swings wildly, jerking his arms away from them and screams at them to go the fuck away and leave him, leave _them_ , alone. 

He collapses next to Luke's body and starts to stroke his hair. All the bruising on his face makes Harvey feel even more awful in ways he could have never even imagined it could. Hot tears start to fill his eyes and stream down his cheeks and it quickly spirals into horrible, loud, violent sobs that wrack his entire body.

-

He doesn't know how long he sits there with him or they allow him to. Too long, not long enough. But he eventually finds himself sitting in the back of an ambulance with a blanket draped over his shoulders and he doesn't have the slightest clue how he ended up there. 

Several people try to talk to him, but they all sound like they're underwater. And then there's a voice that comes in out of nowhere that sounds crystal clear. 

"Harvey."

Harvey looks up and sees Mike standing in front of him. He looks pale, tired, and worn out, but despite it all, his face lights up when their eyes connect. He rushes towards Harvey and completely envelopes him in a hug. Harvey can't bring himself to hug back but he lets Mike hold him as long as he needs.

Eventually, Mike pulls out of the hug. "Are you okay?"

"Luke's..." Harvey can't bring himself to say it out loud, but Mike is quick to fill in the blank.

"I know." 

"I want to go home."

"I know. Let me go talk to some people and I'll see if I can get you out of here."

Harvey nods and wraps the blanket tighter around himself.


	39. Chapter 39

Mike comes back a few minutes later with a faint smile on his face and tells Harvey they can go home. 

The ride home is quiet. Not because Mike doesn't want to talk, but because he's not sure how to navigate speaking to him. He doesn't know what's okay to say and what isn't, or what's okay to ask and what's not so he decides to just stick with silence for now. 

Once they arrive back home, they walk to the front door together. Mike unlocks it and steps aside so Harvey can enter first before following behind him and shutting the door behind them. He locks it and slides the chain across out of force of habit. Harvey snaps his head around immediately and looks when he hears the sound of it but turns back around without saying anything.

"I'm going to go lay down for a little bit," he announces, already making his way towards the bedroom. Mike's getting the vibe that he wants to be left alone, so he leaves him be, hoping he'll be more open to talking whenever he emerges from the room. 

-

It's several hours before he sees Harvey again. When he does he's carrying a bottle of Tylenol. He walks past Mike and into the kitchen, grabs a glass from the cabinet, and fills it with water from the fridge, before shaking three pills from the bottle and tossing them into the back of his throat and swallowing them down. 

"You okay?"

"Just a headache," Harvey replies.

"Are you hungry? I could make you something or go get you something if you are."

"I don't want anything," Harvey says as he brushes past Mike and goes straight back to the bedroom. 

Mike sits patiently in the living room. There are several times he thinks about going into the room but refrains. For now. He doesn't want Harvey to feel isolated, but he also doesn't want to suffocate him.

Mike's phone rings, he doesn't even look, just answers because he knows who is calling him.

"Hey Sean," he answers.

"Hey. I haven't heard from you since everything went down so I thought I would call to check-in with you. How's Harvey doing?"

"I don't know yet. He's not exactly been very talkative." 

"That's understandable, he's been through so much. You're going to have to give him time and a lot of it. What about you? How are you holding up?"

"I'm...fine, I guess. Thanks, by the way, for everything you did for us. I know I have probably come across as unappreciative, but that couldn't possibly be further from the truth."

"Just buy me a beer sometime and we'll call it even."

"I think I can probably manage that."

"Good. Look...I won't take up any more of your time, like I said, I just wanted to make sure you two were holding up okay. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything from me. I mean that."

"I know you do and I won't. Thank you, Sean."

"Don't mention it. Talk to you soon, bye Mike."

Mike waits about an hour after getting off the phone to decide to go in and check on Harvey.

The lights on the bedroom are on, and Harvey is laying down on his side, but he's not sleeping. When he sees Mike, he adjusts himself so that he's sitting up in the bed, back firmly pressed against the headboard. 

"Hey", Mike says softly, as he slowly enters the room. He walks to the bed and sits down on the edge of it. "Everything okay?"

"I think I'm going to go get a shower. Change out of these clothes."

"Oh, okay."

Mike wasn't entirely sure of it before, but now he's positive that Harvey is actively avoiding him. He tries not to take too much offense to it, but it still stings a bit. 

-

While Harvey showers, Mike makes him something to eat. He figures if the food is already made it would be harder for him to refuse it. Plus it gives him something to do other than pace, and overthink everything. 

Harvey eventually shows up. He's got a pair of sweats on and a t-shirt and his hair is all over the place as if he ran the towel through it to dry it but never bothered doing anything with it beyond that. He opens the fridge and gets a beer out, untwisting the cap and drinking from it as he remains positioned in front of the fridge with the door still hanging open.

"It smells good," he says, before shutting the fridge door. "What is it?"

"Stir-fry," Mike says, scraping the vegetables together with the spatula in his hand. He looks over his shoulder at Harvey "Do you want some?"

"I'm just not hungry. Sorry," he says before vanishing into the living room. 

Mike finishes cooking and turns off the burner, before grabbing a beer for himself and joining Harvey. 

"You're not eating?" Harvey asks when he sees Mike sit down without food. 

"I think you probably had a better idea with the beer," Mike says, holding out and tipping his towards Harvey before bringing the bottle to his lips. 

As silence once again stretches between them, Mike can't keep his eyes from drifting to Harvey's wrists. Any bruising that had been acquired this time has already mostly faded into faint yellows. His knuckles are littered with fresh bruises, swirling purples, and blues and he's not sure he even wants to imagine how that happened. There's a few, small superficial cuts on his face, and a little bit of bruising. It all pales in comparison to the way Harvey had looked when he returned home last time, and yet somehow he seems so much more wounded.

"Harvey," Mike says, leaning forward and setting his beer down on the coffee table. "They need you to go down so they can get a statement from you and you can answer some questions tomorrow. About, you know, everything that happened. It's standard procedure, nothing to be nervous or worry about. Do you think you'd be up for doing that?"

"Not really," Harvey says. "But I'll do it to get it over with."

"If you need more time with it, I can talk to someone and maybe--"

"I said I'll do it," Harvey repeats. He proceeds to empty the rest of his beer into his mouth and starts to get up. "I'm going to go back into the room. Are you okay with sleeping on the couch tonight? If not, you can have the room and I'll take the couch."

"No, that's fine, I'll take the couch."

"Thanks."

\-----

When morning comes they both congregate in the kitchen, desperate for coffee. Neither slept well (at all) and it shows. Mike waves Harvey off, directs him to sit down with a motion, wordlessly volunteering to be the one to make coffee for the both of them.

There are several stifled yawns before the squeaking of cabinet doors and clang of coffee mugs being sat down on the counter start to happen. He serves Harvey his black and adds the tiniest bit of sugar to his own before sitting down at the kitchen table with him.

"What time am I supposed to go?" Harvey asks. 

Mike sips at his coffee, knowing full well that it's still too hot to drink. He blows out when the heat touches his lip. "Ah. They, uh, didn't give me a specific time. So, whenever you're ready I can give the detective a call and let him know we're coming."

" _I'm_ coming," Harvey corrects. 

His brow furrows in confusion. "You don't want me to go with you?"

"No. I think that will just make it harder for me."

"Oh. Okay. Well, whatever you feel most comfortable with."

Harvey excuses himself from the table and leaves for a short while. When he comes back he's done his hair and changed his clothes. He's working on buttoning the final button on his cuff when he asks Mike if he'll go ahead and call to let them know he'll be coming in shortly. 

Mike makes the call for him and Harvey is out the door and on his way and it feels strange to be sending him alone. At the very least he had hoped he could drive him there, or gone with him to offer some form of support.

\-----

Once Harvey is gone, Mike decides he should probably get a shower and get dressed. He grabs clothes and fresh towels from the linen closest and heads to the bathroom.

He tosses the old towels into the laundry hamper and hangs up the clean ones. He sees Harvey's pile of clothes in the corner of the bathroom and gathers them up and tosses them into the hamper with the towels. He catches a glimpse of Luke's blood that had stained Harvey's shirt and picks up the shirt and examines it closer. He wonders if Harvey would even want to keep it, even after it's been washed. He figures he'll let him be the one to decide that and tosses it back in. 

He turns the shower on as hot as he can stand it, the stream from it engulfing the bathroom and fogging up the mirrors. He just stands there and lets the water run over him for a long time while he tries not to think about what is currently happening with Harvey.

-

As Mike is drying off he hears a knock at the door. He quickly scrambles to put clothes, his still wet body making the clothes cling awkwardly to him. He rushes from the bathroom to the front door. 

He opens the door to find nobody standing there. He didn't answer fast enough, he thinks to himself. He goes to shut the door and sees an envelope at his feet on the welcome mat below. He bends over and picks it up.

The only thing written on it is Harvey in cursive. 

The last time something was left outside their front door it had been from Luke. There's a fleeting moment where he wonders if this could be from him as well. Though, it seems kind of impossible given Luke is dead. 

Mike takes it inside and sits down on the couch with it. He holds it up to the light to see if he can see anything through the envelope, but nothing shows through. He thinks about just opening it, he can always find another envelope to reseal it in, depending on what's inside. He places it down on the table in front of him. The temptation to open it somehow feels even stronger without it being in his hands.

He doesn't resist for long, he snatches it back up from the table, flips it over and slides his finger along the back, opening it and removing the contents.

-

They thank him for coming in. They say they know how hard it is. The reality is, they don't know shit. _This_ isn't hard. This is him telling them what he knows they want to hear. They want to hear that Luke was a monster, so they can pat themselves on the back for killing that monster. 

They ask him question after question, and Harvey answers them. Some he answers truthfully, some he answers with half-truths and for others lying seems like the singular option. 

"Do you think or has he ever given you a reason to believe he's done this to anybody else?"

"No," Harvey answers. "He told me I was the only one." 

"And you believe that?"

Harvey feels something that resembles jealousy at the implication that Luke could have done this to somebody else. "Of course I believe that. I have no reason not to. Do _you_ have a reason not to? Is that why you're asking?"

"No. We don't. His record prior to this is spotless, the guy didn't even have a speeding ticket to his name."

There's some sense of satisfaction that comes with that knowledge. It makes Harvey almost feel... _special_.

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure."

"Can you tell me if the gun that he had was loaded?"

He seems hesitant to answer the question, immediately shifting in his chair and that's enough of an answer in itself, but he still waits for the verbal confirmation of it.

"It wasn't. But there was no way for anybody to know that when he aimed it and p--"

"Stop," Harvey cuts him off. "I don't need you to justify it to me." The air in the room suddenly feels thick and weighted. Harvey reaches up to loosen the collar of his shirt. "Are we, uh, almost done here?"

"Just a few more questions and you'll be on your way. We appreciate your patience, Mr. Specter."

-

They eventually are able to wrap things up and Harvey is allowed to go home. He's handed a little card with a number on it that he tosses directly into the closest trashcan on his way out. 

-

Mike opens the door for him when he arrives back. "How'd everything go?" he asks as Harvey walks past him.

"I told them what they wanted to hear until they ran out of questions, so it went good, I guess."

"What do you mean by 'what they wanted to hear'?"

"Well it's all just kind of pointless, don't you think? None of it actually matters it's just so they can fill out some paperwork and pretend they did something to help." Then, after a pause, he added "You know, you should have _never_ fucking called them, Mike."

"I didn't call the cops, I went to a detective."

Harvey rolls his eyes and huffs at Mike arguing semantics. "That's the same goddamn thing. And the point is that I asked you not to. I pleaded with you not to."

"I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not because they found you and you're safe from him now, for good, and that's all I care about."

The 'for good' part of Mike's sentence strikes Harvey particularly hard. "Two more fucking days, Mike. That's all you had to wait and I would have been home."

"What are you even talking about? Two more days for what?"

"I made a deal with him. I would go stay with him for two weeks and then--"

"And then what? He'd let you go? The same way he did last time? With all the strings still attached?"

"No. Not like last time. Last time I stayed in contact as part of the deal, this time there wouldn't be any contact at all after it between us. He was going to go away."

Mike aggressively ruffles his hair with both hands, unable to wrap his head around the things that are coming out of Harvey's mouth and the fact that Harvey fully believes any of the bullshit Luke spewed to him. He takes a deep breath to calm himself down before speaking, the last thing he wants is to raise his voice and have this turn into a shouting match. He opts for a different approach.

"You know, all I could think about when you were gone again was the way you were when you came back to me the first time. The constant nightmares, the terror on your face when you had one, all the scars he put on you, even the way you jumped when a door closed too loudly. You didn't even have a chance to heal from any of that, I couldn't imagine the things he'd do to you a second time with him. I was _scared_ for you, Harvey."

"It wasn't like that though...it was...he was" his voice drops to a whisper. "different. There are no scars this time."

"Maybe not ones you can see. But believe me, they're there all the same. And what about what he did to me? Does that not even matter to you at all?"

"You mean when you went to his place with a gun?"

Mike laughs humorlessly. "Yeah, when I did _that_. When I was so entirely desperate to have you back that I went to his place with a gun. But...I guess I got what I deserved, right? That's what you're saying? I deserved to have my head cracked open, to be left bleeding tied to a chair, and then tied to a bed where I thought he would...well, you know," Mike recounts, the calm in his voice a stark contrast to the distraught look on his face.

Picturing any of those things happening to Mike makes Harvey's stomach clench and his bottom lip starts to quiver involuntarily. He bites down on it to make it stop. "I didn't mean it like that. You didn't deserve what happened to you," he says, his words soft and apologetic.

"I wish you could say that exact thing to yourself and mean it, too."

Harvey gulps down a breath and looks like he might cry, before wiping a hand over his face, any emotion that was there before erased in an instant. "I'm going to stay at my place for a few days."

"Harvey, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't think you should be alone right now."

"You don't think _I_ should be alone right now or _you_ don't want to be alone?"

"Can't it be both?"

"So just have Cahill come back if you don't want to be alone," Harvey says. 

"What does Sean have to do with anything?"

"One of what I presume is his shirts were hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom. He must have missed it while in a rush to scurry out of here before I came home."

"He stayed here a few days after everything happened at the cabin to help me."

"To help you do _what_ exactly? Actually, you know what? It doesn't matter. I honestly don't care what you did or didn't do with him. I'm going to go gather a few things and head out."

"Harvey." He says his name like a plea, as if it will somehow be the thing to make him see reason and want to stay. 

Harvey turns and walks away. He's gone very briefly, coming back with only a small duffle bag, which is promising until Mike remembers that he's going back to _his_ place, filled with _his_ things and he really has no need to take anything with him if he doesn't want to.

Mike looks gutted and lost standing alone in the room when Harvey comes out of the room and the visual of it alone is almost enough to make Harvey want to drop his bag right there and stay, but his head feels so fucked up and his thoughts about everything seem so disoriented that he doesn't think to be around Mike right now would be good for either of them. 

He walks up to him and lifts Mike's chin gently with his fingers so that their eyes can meet. "This isn't permanent. I'll be back soon. Okay?"

Mike doesn't know how many more promises of coming back he can handle. Sure, every promise has been kept, but with each promise kept, Harvey comes back different, a little less himself. 

He nods and Harvey attempts to smile at him, but can only manage the slightest tug at the corners of his mouth. He takes his hand away from Mike's chin and the lack of touch is jarring.

Harvey starts walking towards the door. 

"Harvey," Mike calls to him. 

He turns around and looks at him, brows raised.

"Can I at least call you?"

"I would prefer it if you didn't. Unless you really need to."

Mike guesses what constitutes as a need for him, won't constitute as one for Harvey. There's no point in objecting to it though. It wouldn't change anything. "Okay," he says.

Harvey opens the door to walk out.

"I love you, Harvey."

It's met with the sound of the door latching shut.


	40. Chapter 40

It's approaching an entire week that Harvey's been gone. Mike hasn't contacted him at all, though he's certainly picked up the phone multiple times to do just that. He's pulled up his number on several occasions and let his finger linger over the call button for far too long before thinking better of it and tossing the phone to the side and drinking until the temptation had been extinguished. 

He invites Sean over one of the nights. It's late when he does, but he's particularly lonely and feeling on edge and in dire need of some company and he knows Sean will almost always answer the phone for him, drop everything and come over. It's a quality of Sean's that Mike knows he has taken advantage of countless times and he feels guilty about it, but never quite guilty enough to be able to stop himself from doing it. 

They talk until the morning sun filters in through the blinds and it makes Sean check his watch and apologize profusely for having to get going because he has to be at work in a few hours. The time Sean had spent with him had been a short, but nice reprieve from everything.

Once he's gone the place is back to being so very quiet and empty. 

Mike finds it hard to eat much or sleep or really do anything outside of worry about and or miss Harvey and wonder how he's coping with it all. He thinks he'll have to give in and call him soon. Harvey had told him he could call if he needed to and that need is becoming palpable. 

\-----

Mike jerks awake by the sound of his phone ringing. He rolls over and looks at the clock with bleary-eyes. It's nearly 2 in the morning, which automatically makes any ringing phone become worrisome. 

He picks it up and checks the number. It's Harvey. His heartbeat starts to accelerate. 

"Hello?" he answers. 

"Can you..." his words are muffled and mostly inaudible.

"Harvey, I can't hear you."

"Mike," he says. "Can you come here? Something's wrong and I don't...I don't know what's happening, and I need--."

There's a loud crash on the other side of the line, but the call remains connected.

"Harvey? Are you still there?" 

Mike hangs up the phone and rushes out of bed, blindly grabbing the clothes nearest to him and throwing them on as fast as humanly possible. He is standing on one-leg, still putting a shoe on while pulling the door shut behind him on his way out.

The drive from his place to Harvey's is a complete blur. He doesn't remember stopping the car a single time for anything. 

When he arrives he races up to Harvey's door. He checks the doorknob, to his surprise it's not locked. He takes a deep breath before opening it and walking inside, uncertain of what exactly it is that he's walking into. 

He slowly navigates his way through the place while calling out his name. "Harvey?"

There's no answer. Mike ventures in a little further, he catches a glimpse of something up against the wall beyond the living room. He runs over to find Harvey sitting on the floor up against the wall with his knees pulled tightly to his chest.

"What the hell is going on?"

Harvey looks up at him. "You came," he says, genuine surprise in his voice.

"Of course I came." Mike crouches down so that he's level with Harvey. 

Harvey doesn't look good at all. He can tell he hasn't been eating much and sleeping even less. His eyes are dark and sunken and his face looks drawn and pale. He smells like cheap whiskey, which likely means he ran out of the expensive stuff and has resorted to drinking whatever is available.

"Tell me what's wrong, Harvey?"

Harvey looks away and seems unsure if he wants to tell Mike anything. 

Mike extends his arm and slips his hand into Harvey's hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "Tell me what's going on. Please."

"I don't know. I can't sleep anymore. I just see blood when I close my eyes. And I see him alive and I see him dead. And I hear his voice all the time. Not just when I close my eyes either. He talks to me like he's still here." Harvey slips his hand away from Mike's and drags both shaking hands over his face. "I feel fucking crazy."

"You're not...crazy."

"Then what am I? What is happening to me?" Harvey's voice sounds frantic, scared even, things that sometimes still sound so foreign coming from him.

Mike doesn't have an answer, everything Harvey is saying is extremely concerning. But if he's not sleeping, maybe trying to get him a solid night of sleep wouldn't be the worst place to start.

"It's going to be okay. Here," Mike says, standing up from the floor and reaching his hand out to Harvey. "Let's get you up off of the floor."

Harvey takes his hand, and Mike pulls him up. He walks him over to the couch and Harvey sits. Mike tells him to sit right there and he'll be back. He walks back down the hall and into the guest bathroom and looks through the cabinet above the sink. He has to shuffle several things out of the way but eventually, he finds the bottle of melatonin. 

He had bought them while they were still living at Harvey's, and he couldn't even be sure they ever worked for him but he's desperate and even if they worked as some kind of placebo for Harvey he would consider it a success. He opens the cap and dumps two into the palm of his hand, shuts the cabinet door, and heads back to him.

He stops at the kitchen on his way to pour a glass of water for him to take them with. 

"Here," he says, holding out an open palm with the pills in them and the glass of water in the other. "I want you to take these."

Harvey just stares at them and the expression on his face is one that's hard to read. 

"Guess I'm not the only one who likes you when you're a little sleepy."

Harvey looks up to see Luke standing behind the couch, a twisted grin stretched across his face. Harvey tries to ignore him. 

"What are these?" he asks.

"Something to hopefully help you get some sleep," Mike answers.

"See? Told you. To be fair you are so much more compliant that way," Luke pauses. "Even if you don't remember." 

"Shut-up."

"What?" Mike says.

"Just take the pills, Harvey. He's waiting. Open your mouth, I _know_ you know that part. Be a good boy for him," Luke says in a sing-songy tone. 

"I told you to shut-up!" Harvey shouts as he squeezes his eyes shut and when he opens them and looks back up Luke is gone.

It's just Mike standing there staring at him, concern painted on his face, still holding the pills out for him. "Harvey, if you don't want to take them, you don't have to. I just thought it'd be worth a shot."

Harvey snatches them from Mike's hand and tosses them into his mouth, not bothering with the water and simply swallowing them straight down. 

Mike looks like he wants to say something, a few times Harvey can see words on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill out. Words that he must think better of or can't find it in him to bring himself to say. Harvey decides he won't give him the chance to change his mind on that.

"Would you..." Harvey hesitates for a moment.

"Would I what?"

"Would you be okay with laying in the bed with me?" 

"Of course. I can do that."

-

They both crawl into the bed, and there's no period of awkwardness like either of them might have initially thought there would be. Mike is dying to just wrap his arms around Harvey and hold onto him for dear life, but he knows that's infeasible at this moment.

About an hour after they lay down, Harvey turns and rests his head up against Mike's shoulder and that feels like it's own victory. An even bigger victory is when he hears Harvey's breathing shallow out. He cranes his neck to look over at him, and finds that his eyes are shut too.

"Harvey?" he whispers.

He's asleep. Mike hopes it stays that way for as long as possible. Harvey needs every bit of sleep he can get. Mike yawns and closes his own eyes, now that Harvey is asleep, tucked safely next to him, it finally feels like he is in the clear to allow himself to get some sleep of his own. 

\-----

Mike lifts his watch and glances at it, he looks to his left at the clock on the nightstand to confirm that the number he that he is seeing is correct. It is. It's nearly 3 in the afternoon. Harvey is still sleeping next to him. He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping, like a different person, untouched by all the dark things that pull on him when he's awake.

Mike is going to soak in every second of this while he can. Because for all he knows Harvey could be back to wanting nothing to do with him when he wakes up. He very carefully adjusts himself in bed, creating as little movement as possible as not to disturb him, so he can get a better view. Despite his efforts to not disturb him, Harvey starts moving and Mike thinks he fucked it all up for his own selfish reasons. Harvey doesn't wake however, he just stretches an arm above his head and hooks Mike's leg with his own. 

\-----

Harvey blinks his eyes open and carefully takes in his surroundings. 

"Hey," Mike greets him softly.

"Did you drug me last night?" is the first thing Harvey asks, his voice sleep-roughened.

"Did I do _what_? No, of course not!" Mike quickly denies, fully offended by the question. "What I gave you was melatonin. It's something that's been sitting in your medicine cabinet for months."

"Okay."

He says it so simply, and Mike can't help but wonder if his response would have been much different if he _had_ actually drugged him and admitted to it. The thought makes his stomach turn. 

Harvey emerges from the bathroom and walks over to the dresser, pulls open the second drawer, and pulls a shirt from it. He strips out of the one he's wearing, and Mike notices his whole right side is mottled with dark purple bruises. A new shirt quickly hides them from his view.

"I thought you said he didn't hurt you like that this time?" It's probably a thought Mike should have kept to himself because it comes out sounding like he's taunting him, like evidence of Harvey getting beaten makes him 'right' in all of this somehow, even though that would never be his intention.

"That's from when he found out _you_ called the cops after I asked you not to. He thought I knew you were going to do it. It's _your_ fault that it happened."

Mike looks hurt by the accusation and Harvey is satisfied that his words landed exactly how he had wanted them to. 

"You still have clothes here, right? You should get dressed. I'm sure you have more important places to be than here with me."

Mike cocks his head and looks at him with disbelief. "You're kicking me out? Because of what I said?"

Harvey doesn't want Mike to leave. "No, I'm not," he quickly amends. "I have a few things I need to do today, I just didn't think you'd want to sit around in an empty house."

"Harvey, _my_ house is just as empty without you there."

Mike braces himself for Harvey to say something about Sean, turn his friendship with him into something it's not, but he doesn't this time. He leaves the room without another word. 

Mike gets out of bed and finds a change of clothes and gets dressed, he doesn't want Harvey to disappear out the door to go do god knows what, god know's where. 

He's standing at the sink drinking a glass of water when Mike sees him. Or maybe it's vodka. He moves in closer so he can get a whiff of it and feels better that he can confirm it's just water.

"Do you want to get something to eat? We could grab lunch somewhere."

"I can't. I'm busy."

"What about dinner. Let me cook you something?"

Harvey sighs and turns to look at Mike.

"Please?" Mike adds, his blue eyes pleading.

"Okay. Fine," he resides. "We can have dinner together."

"Good. Any requests?"

"Surprise me."

It's something small, but it could potentially be a step in the right direction. Harvey slept last night and he knows he'll at least have to take a few bites of a meal tonight, even if it's just out of guilt knowing he had spent time preparing the meal for him. 

Harvey walks over and grabs his jacket that's slung over the back of a chair. "I'm going to head out."

"Can I ask where you're going or when you'll be back?"

"No. But I'll be back soon."

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Harvey asks as if it's the most ridiculous question in the world. As if he didn't call Mike in a full-blown panic less than 24 hours ago.

"Just...call me if you need anything?"

Mike is uneasy about the idea of Harvey roaming the streets when he knows how messed up he was last night. But he seems fine today, whatever _fine_ even means any more. At the very least it means he's not having a full-fledged meltdown or screaming at people who aren't there. It's a low bar and potentially reckless, but there's not much of an alternative. He can't exactly keep him locked up in his own house. 

\-----

Harvey stops at the liquor store. He buys a bottle of liquor, not a top shelf one, he doesn't drink for the taste anymore. Sometimes he drinks to forget, other times it's to remember. Sometimes he doesn't want to do either at all, he just wants to drown every experience he's ever had, both good and bad.

He sits the brown bag in the passenger seat and pulls away from the store. He turns the radio on, volume turned up just enough to keep total silence at bay. 

-

He pulls up to the place and shuts the ignition off. He unbuckles and grabs the bottle from the passenger side before getting out. He doesn't go through the front, but rather the side door. It's much easier to pick the lock on that one he's found. 

He lets himself inside and heads straight to the basement. There's still remnants of police tape strewn about. He had ripped it all down the first night he came back here, but never bothered to pick it up and throw it away. 

The cold of the basement feels welcoming now in a way he'd never guess possible. It's familiar. 

He walks until he reaches the blood-stained cement. He let's himself slide down against the wall. He removes his bottle from the brown bag and tosses the bag to the side. He opens it up and starts to drink directly from it.  


As he sits there he starts to replay everything in his head from that day. Every vivid detail of it. He thinks about what he could have changed. What he should have done differently. He thinks about all the blood and how Luke never stood a chance. He thinks about Luke's empty gun. Or rather _Mike's_ empty gun. He avoids thinking about what it means in terms of what Luke's plan _really_ was. 

_Just close your eyes._

_Just close your eyes._

Harvey hears it over and over again in his head.

"You should have listened, you know?"

Harvey turns his head to the left to see Luke sitting next to him. He was beginning to think that a full night of sleep had gotten rid of him. No such luck. 

He likes Luke better when he sees him here. It feels safer. It never gets too loud the way it does at home.

"And you should have left when you had the chance. You knew they were coming. You _knew_ ," Harvey emphasizes. 

"I know. It's probably for the best. I could have never stayed away from you. Not forever. Could you? Could you have stayed away from me?"

Harvey contemplates his answer while he takes a swig from the bottle. "I can't even stay away from you when you're dead."

Luke laughs. It sounds so crystal clear. So real. Like he's really right there beside him. But Harvey knows he's not. And he's not sure if being aware of the fact that's he's not actually talking to anybody makes him more or less sane.

"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be at home with Mike?"

"Mike doesn't understand this. Us. I think he wants to, but he can't."

"That means you have to _make_ him understand. Show him. I was able to make you understand it all, right?"

"How am I supposed to do that? Grab some rope and tie him up?" Harvey asks incredulously. A huff of laughter escaping that he promptly chases with the burn of liquor.

"Why not? That'd be a good start."

Harvey turns to look at Luke. "You can't be serious? I can't do that to him. He'd be terrified."

"Only for a little bit. Until you reassured him, calmed him down. If I could make you understand, you can make him."

"I'm not you, Luke."

"I mean, you kind of are. This is all in your head, Harvey. But I guess it's easier to blame me for all those dark thoughts swirling around up in there. What else would you like to do to Mike?"  


"Knock it off," Harvey warns, as he takes another long sip from the bottle. 

Everything eventually goes quiet, Harvey looks to his left and Luke is no longer there. Not that he ever was in the first place.

He stays where he is, continuing to drink. Nursing it, nice and slow. It doesn't feel like he's been here very long, but when he looks at his watch he realizes he's been gone hours. He pulls himself up and slowly makes his way back out to his car. 

He knows he drank way too much to be able to drive, so he calls for a ride. He offers the driver a nice sum of money if he's willing to come back to get his car and take it back to his place, which he, fortunately, agrees to. Harvey has him make a quick stop at a gas station so he can grab a bottle of water in an attempt to sober up even the slightest, though he doesn't foresee it making much of an impact. 

The motion from the car is making him feel slightly nauseous so he drinks as much water down as he can handle before propping himself up against the door, allowing his body to sink down and closing his eyes for the remainder of the ride back. 

\-----

Harvey's still fumbling with his key when the door swings open for him.

He looks up to see Mike staring at him. "Uh, thanks. I think I might need a new key," he says, as he walks in past Mike. Mike closes the door. 

"It smells good in here," Harvey says while stripping out of his coat and throwing it on the back of the couch. Harvey follows the smell out into the kitchen, he sees a steel pot with a lid on it. He strolls over and lifts the lid to see what Mike made. 

"It's homemade chicken soup," Mike explains. "I left it on to simmer all day so it would still be warm when you got home since I wasn't sure when that was going to be." 

There's no ill-intent to Mike's words, but Harvey still feels like he has to apologize for being gone longer than he had planned to. "Sorry. I lost track of time."

"Are you hungry?"

"I could try to eat. What about you? Did you eat yet?"

"No. I wanted to wait until you were back."

"Dinner and a movie?"

Mike half-thinks the movie part is an excuse for Harvey to not have to talk about anything, but he also can't bring himself to care if it's exactly that. He just misses being with him. 

"You pick the movie, I'll get the food ready," Mike says.

Harvey nods and disappears from the room as Mike fills two bowls with soup. He takes them in and sits them on the coffee table before heading back and filling two glasses full of ice and water and carrying them in. 

Harvey is still scrolling through movies with the remote when Mike joins him on the couch. 

Harvey pauses what he is doing momentarily to take a sip of his water. He picks his spoon up next and stirs the food in his bowl around before filling the spoon and bringing it to his mouth.

"It shouldn't be too hot, but still, be careful," Mike says.

Harvey gently blows on it, just in case, before taking a bite. Mike does the same with his. 

"Mmm, it's really good, Mike," Harvey says before taking another bite. He's not sure how much of it he'll actually be able to eat considering how much he drank today and the fact that he'd been surviving off of booze and bagels that he was barely able to bring himself to do more than pick at for the past week.

Mike takes a few more bites, before setting his spoon down, the metal clanging loudly against the glass bowl. He leans back against the cushion behind him and stretches out.

Harvey continues eating, small, slow bites, but it's encouraging to see nonetheless. Mike hijacks the remote from him and clicks the first thing that piques his interest. 

Harvey shoots him a look when he sees the choice. "Dumb & Dumber? _Really_?" 

"It's a comedy classic," Mike argues.

Harvey doesn't object, just shrugs and pushes himself backward against the couch to settle in to watch it. Mike throws an arm up to rest it on the back of the couch, he apologizes when it accidentally brushes against Harvey's neck. Harvey reaches his hand up and pulls Mike's arm down so that it's now draped comfortably over his own shoulders. 

-

"Good choice?" Mike asks when the credits start to roll. 

"It wasn't the worst decision you've ever made." He goes to say something else but has to stifle a yawn instead.

"You ready for bed?"

"Not yet. I want to stay here a little bit longer. Just like this."

"Okay," Mike breathes. 

They remain silent for some time, watching whatever movie comes on next, but neither truly paying attention to it. 

"I went to Luke's today." Harvey says out of nowhere.

"You did what?"

"I've gone a few times since I've left your place. I pick the lock on the side and go down to the basement."

"Why would you do that?" 

"I miss him," he answers honestly, not caring about what it says about him to admit such a thing. 

Mike pulls away from Harvey, creating space between them. He scoots to the edge of the couch, rests his elbows on his knees, and rests his head in his hand before looking back up at Harvey. "What is there to miss about him?" 

"You know what, just forget I said anything."

"No. You were practically hyperventilating when you called me yesterday _because_ of what he did to you. Now today you're visiting his house and saying you _miss_ him? What the fuck am I missing here? Explain it to me."

Harvey pushes a breath out, his glassy brown eyes are fixated to the floor. "I don't know what happened yesterday...I just got lost in my own head. And I hadn't slept in days which made it worse and--"

"You said you see him and he talks to you. I _heard_ you talk to him like he was there."

"I told you, I got lost. I broke down a little. Am I not allowed that much?"

"Of course you are, but--"

"I haven't seen or heard him since I slept, if that's what you're concerned about," Harvey lies. 

"That's good news." Mike isn't sure he believes it, but he also doesn't have any proof to the contrary.

"Would you be willing to come there with me tomorrow? I want to try to make you understand."

"What?" Mike asks, his face contorting with confusion. "I don't know if that's a good idea. Neither of us should be visiting that place."

"Please. Come with me. I won't go there anymore after this."

"Sure. I'll come with you if you think that will help you."

"I just want you to understand," Harvey explains. "Let's go to bed," he adds.

"Okay."

-

Once they're changed and in bed, Harvey is quick to nestle himself in the crook of Mike's arm.

"Thank you for dinner."

"Anytime," Mike says, as he starts to stroke Harvey's hair soothingly. "Thanks for watching the movie with me."

"I missed movies with you. It makes me feel normal. For a little bit, anyway."

"Me too."

They both fall silent, and their breathing seems to sync together. Chests rising and falling in unison. Mike continues to stroke Harvey's hair, unsure who is getting more comfort out of it.

He starts to think about tomorrow, and going to Luke's place and he doesn't know if he's ready to see the place Harvey was held captive for months, let alone be able to draw some sort of understanding from it all. Harvey's tried to explain it to him in the past, but he doesn't think he'll ever be able to 'get' it no matter how it's explained. He doesn't even think Harvey fully understands what Luke has truly done to him most days, so how can he be expected to?

But he feels like he owes it Harvey it to at least go there with him, and let him try to explain it, no matter what his own feelings on everything are. He wants to understand.


	41. Chapter 41

Harvey tosses and turns and cries out in his sleep and Mike stays awake because of it, alarmed that at any minute he'll wake up in a cold sweat screaming and wind up backing himself into a corner of the room terrified out of his mind.

Morning eventually comes, but light doesn't. The skies are dark and gray, and there's thunder rolling through in the far distance while the threat of rain looms. 

Harvey stills at some point, no longer tossing and turning, and his cries are replaced by soft breathing. Mike waits long enough that he feels confident that he's going to remain that way before cautiously crawling out from beneath the covers and going into the bathroom to take a shower. He leaves the door cracked open so he can still hear, just in case. 

-

Harvey's awake and sitting up in the bed when he comes back out. 

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Mike asks.

Harvey shakes his head 'no'. 

"Okay. I'm going to go make some coffee. Do you want some?"

"Sure. I'll be out then. Thanks

"Yeah, no problem," Mike replies with a half-smile before exiting the room.

\-----

"Just in time," Mike says when he catches a glimpse of Harvey out of his peripheral. He's already poured two cups and is busy stirring sugar into his own. "Do you want anything in yours?"

"Black is fine," Harvey says as he slides up onto the barstool. 

Mike places Harvey's cup in front of him but stays on the opposite side across from him. He leans up against the counter behind him with his coffee still sitting until it's cool enough to drink. 

"How did you sleep?" Mike asks as he watches Harvey hide a yawn behind his hand, and it's almost enough to pull a yawn from him.

"Okay."

"No nightmares?"

"I have nightmares. They're just...not the same as before."

"Better or worse?"

Harvey pauses to look up at Mike for a moment before answering. "I don't know yet."

His response makes the corners of Mike's mouth turn down, as he tilts his head and looks him over, a look of concern in his eyes. "At least you've been sleeping some, right? I mean, you look better now than you did the night you called me over."

"Yeah. I guess," Harvey replies. He picks up his cup of coffee and takes a small sip from it, before setting it back down. He hesitates momentarily before asking "Are you still going to come with me today?"

"Actually...I kind of wanted to talk to you about that."

"I knew it. I knew you were going to change your mind."

"I didn't change my mind. I will still go with you," Mike reassures. "But there's something I need you to do for me if I agree to it."

"What is it?"

"I want this to be the last time either of us goes there. It's not--" Mike almost says _normal_ , but manages to catch himself before he does "healthy for you to keep going back there."

Harvey had already told Mike he wouldn't go back there to get him to come in the first place, but it seems like an entirely different deal when Mike is the one presenting it to him. But he also knows that the only thing that can come from him disagreeing or pushing back on this is that Mike won't agree to come and he wants him to go, so he agrees. "Okay. Fine."

"No, Harvey. I want you to promise me that this is it."

"Okay. I promise."

"Thank you," he says appreciatively. "When did you, uh, want to do this?"

"Sometime tonight. I have a few things I need to get done first."

"Like what?"

"Can you meet me back here around 8?" Harvey asks, purposely glossing over Mike's question. 

"Yeah, I'll be here."

"Okay. Good." Harvey gets up from the barstool and walks around the counter, brushing past Mike to reach up into the cabinet and grab an insulated cup. He takes the lid off of it and proceeds to pour his coffee into it before replacing the lid. "Thanks for the coffee."

"Wait...you're leaving now?" 

"I'll be back tonight."

"What am I supposed to do all day?"

Harvey shrugs. "Whatever you want to do. Go to work. Take a nap. Go hang out with Sean." He picks his coffee up walks over to Mike, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "8 o'clock", he reminds him before walking towards the front door.

"All right, good talk, love you, bye," Mike says under his breath to himself after hearing the door open and close.

\-----

"Why are you still in your pajamas?" 

"Because it's my day off, what are you doing here, Mike?"

Mike pushes past Sean and walks into his place. "I just needed someplace to go."

"Why? What happened?" Sean shuts the door and turns to follow Mike.

"Are you watching cartoons?" Mike asks when he notices the television after sitting down on the couch. 

Sean quickly picks up the remote and turns it off. "I told you, it's my day off. Did you come here just to judge me or what?"

"No. I told you, I needed someplace to go."

"And I asked what happened? Where's Harvey?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

A look of confusion washes over Sean's face. "What?"

Mike realizes how what he said could be misconstrued. "No, no, not like that. He's not missing," he clarifies. "He just likes to go places and not tell me where it is he's going. Or he does tell me and then I kind of wish he hadn't."

Sean sits down next to Mike. "What does that mean? Where does he tell you he goes?"

Mike looks up at Sean whose blue eyes are staring back at him so intently. He's felt like he could tell him pretty much anything, and he has, but this is something that's probably better kept between him and Harvey. "It doesn't matter."

"I see," Sean says, fully aware that it's something Mike doesn't want to share with him. 

"Is it okay if I hang out here for a few hours?"

"You know you're always welcome here. It's not going to cause problems between you and Harvey if he knows you're doing it though, is it?"

"What is it I'm doing, Sean? It's not a crime to hang out with a friend. Besides, of all the problems that already exist between Harvey and me, I think this one would rank pretty low. Now would you please go put something else on, I can't take you seriously dressed like that."

"I thought you said you weren't here to judge me."

"I'm not, that just happens to be a bonus."

Sean rolls his eyes but still gets up to go get changed. 

\-----

Mike makes sure he leaves Sean's early enough that he'll have plenty of time to get home. He's glad he did because traffic ends up eating a large portion of the cushion he had given himself. 

The door is unlocked when he gets home. Harvey doesn't use the security system anymore, either. It's a strange adjustment. It makes him think about how hypervigilant Harvey had become about locking doors and double, triple-checking them before feeling safe enough to walk away from them. And even then, sometimes he'd still end up crawling out of bed in the middle of the night claiming he needed a drink, but then Mike would hear him at the front door.

He sees Harvey sitting in the living room when he walks in. He has the lights dimmed and a drink that's nearing empty sitting in front of him. 

"Hey, Harvey." 

"Hey," Harvey says back softly. 

"What time did you get back?"

"Not long ago." 

Mike moves closer. The smell of liquor that wafts towards him when he does gives him a pretty good idea of what Harvey has been up to. "Do you still want to go?"

"Yeah. Can you drive there?"

"Sure. Are you ready now?"

Harvey finishes what's left in his glass. "Let's go."

-

"I might need your help with directions. That night I came there is kind of a blur," Mike says as he starts the car up. 

"Okay," Harvey replies as he stares ahead unblinking. 

"Do you have your seatbelt on?" Mike asks.

Harvey doesn't answer. 

"Harvey," Mike says louder this time. "Put your seatbelt on."

Harvey hears him this time, his head whipping to the left to look at the driver's seat. He seems to shake off a thought and reaches up and pulls the seatbelt across, securing it with a click. "Sorry."

"It's okay. Are you feeling all right?"

"Just drive. I'm fine." 

Mike takes the car out of park and puts it in reverse before pulling out of the parking space. As he gets out on the road a horrible, sinking feeling of dread begins to grow in the depths of his stomach. 

-

The ride there is mostly silent. Harvey seems restless, shifting constantly in his seat. Mike looks over at him several times, and thinks of saying something to him, but never does, outside of making sure that he's going the right way. 

Mike feels unsettled when they pull up to the place. It's dark and quiet, a stark contrast to the last time he had pulled up here and there were dozens of people and flashing lights. 

He shuts the ignition off and turns to look at Harvey. 

"Come on, follow me," Harvey says, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the car door. Mike reluctantly takes his seatbelt off and opens his door to follow him. 

Harvey leads him to the side door. It's too dark for Mike to be able to see what exactly Harvey is doing, but he hears the doorknob rattle a few times, and Harvey moves his hand to put something in his pocket. He turns the knob and the door squeaks open as he pushes it in. 

"Go ahead, go in," Harvey says, moving out of the way to make room for him to get through. Mike walks through, only going as far as he absolutely needs to. Harvey comes in next and pulls the door shut and proceeds to lock it, which earns a look from Mike, though Harvey doesn't notice. 

Harvey starts walking, and Mike stays close behind him. He switches some lights on as he goes and leads them to a living room area. The colors and decor in the house are bright, cheery, painfully normal. Deceptive, Mike thinks. 

"This is where I spent most of my time this time. I would sit right there," Harvey explains as he points to the familiar spot. "And Luke, Luke would sit next to me, or on the recliner over there. We'd watch tv or a movie, talk, eat dinner together. I think he wanted to make up for how things were last time."

"How is Luke making you his prisoner a second time making up for anything?"

"I wasn't a prisoner, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I could do whatever I wanted."

"And what about when he wanted something from you? Did doing whatever you want to extend to being able to say no to him?" 

Harvey flinches a little at the question and chooses to ignore it.

"I'm just saying he wasn't torturing me. I didn't need to be rescued from him. I sat right here, in this very spot and begged you not to call anybody. I told you I was coming home. Why couldn't you just listen?"  
Harvey's voice sounds strained.

"I'm sorry."

"You're not though. You don't care. And that's the problem, I want you to care."

"I care about you."

Harvey stares blankly ahead, allowing himself to briefly get lost in his thoughts. He thinks about the calm, quiet moments between him and Luke that took place here. He also thinks about his fight with Luke. He had hurt him bad that night, and Luke had forgiven him for it the same way that he had forgiven him for the things he had done. 

"Harvey," Mike calls out his name, interrupting his thoughts. "Show me the basement."

Harvey's eyes dart up to meet Mike's. "What?"

"You can tell me he didn't do anything to you here, and make it sound like you were on some fucking vacation with him, so take me to the basement, and convince me how great he is there."

Harvey wordlessly gets up off the couch and starts to walk out of the room, Mike follows behind until he stops in front of a door. Harvey seems hesitant to open it at first, but eventually turns the knob to open it.  
Mike is immediately struck by how cold it is when he steps through the door. The room only grows colder with each step he descends down and by the time he's at the bottom, he finds himself wrapping his arms around himself to try to create some warmth. 

It's very dark. No windows. A few dim lightbulbs are casting minimal amounts of light. 

It's never felt like a good idea to come here, this seems like confirmation of that idea. Worse that he was the one who suggested it.

Harvey leads him to a large pole that has rope piled at the bottom of it. There's a metal folding chair a few short steps from it. 

"Harvey, is this--?"

"Not yet. Come with me." 

Mike sticks closely behind him. His heart feels heavy just thinking of Harvey being stuck in a place like this for months. Even if Luke had never laid a hand on him, it's horrible to think of anybody being stuck in this place for an extended amount of time. 

Harvey stops walking when they reach a certain point. Mike doesn't notice it at first, his eyes are too busy looking pretty much everywhere but down. Mike notices it when Harvey bends down to pick up a bottle from the ground, likely one he had left there himself. There's a large stain on the ground and it's pretty obvious what it is. He'd brought him to see the place where Luke was killed.

Harvey twists the cap off the bottle and drinks from it. He tips it towards Mike to offer him some. 

"No, I'm okay," Mike declines.

"Suit yourself," Harvey says as he brings the bottle to his mouth once more. He swallows a big mouthful, draws a breath in, and wheezes slightly from the burn of it. 

"Harvey," Mike starts.

Harvey doesn't let Mike finish, interrupting whatever he was going to say with a question of his own. "Where did you get the gun?" 

"What?"

"The gun that Luke had that night, the one that got him killed, it was yours. Where'd you get it?"

"I had it."

"Where did you get it though? Did you keep it at your place?"

"I had it in an old storage unit, it's from a long time ago. A different life at this point. Does it even matter?"

"To me it does."

"Why? So you can continue making me the bad guy in all of this? I promise you I'm not the bad guy. _Luke's_ the bad guy. It might have been my gun, but _he's_ the one that decided to point it at someone."

"Yeah, well, at least when he pointed it at someone it was already empty. Was it empty when _you_ pointed it at him?"

"So is this why you brought me here? To blame me for and make me feel guilty about everything that happened?"

"He's right, Harvey. As enjoyable as this is, he's not here for you to have someone to pin the blame on. It's not his fault. Not entirely, anyway."

Harvey looks just to the right of Mike and sees Luke standing there. An extremely inconvenient time for him to show up.

"Go away, I can do this on my own," Harvey tells him.

"Do what on your own?" Mike asks.

"Not y--...just nevermind."

"Your words don't seem to be working, Harvey. I think you might need to _show_ him. Just like I showed you."

Harvey rubs a hand over his face, hoping when he looks back up Luke will be gone. He's not. 

"I'm--I'm sorry," Harvey apologizes to Mike. "It's not your fault he's dead. And I didn't bring you here to blame you. That's not what this is about."

"Now you're on the right track. You catch more bees with honey or some shit like that. Tell him what you want to do to him," Luke encourages. 

Harvey doesn't address Luke, instead he closes the space between him and Mike. "I think I have a way to help you understand things." He takes Mike's hands, which are freezing into his own, and gives them a gentle squeeze. "All I need is for you to trust me on this."

"What is it?"

"I want you to let me tie you up."

Mike immediately takes a step back, pulling his hands away from Harvey's. "You want to _what_?"

"I want to tie you up."

"No. No," Mike repeats. "I don't want to be fucking tied up. What is wrong with you? Why would you even ask that?"

"Uh oh, it looks like you might have to do it the hard way with the kid," Luke chimed in.

Harvey rubs a hand over his face, desperate to quiet Luke. "Stop talking, you're making this worse. You said you'd stay out of it."

"Stay out of what? Who are you talking to? You're really starting to freak me out."

"I'm- I'm not talking to anybody," Harvey says as he shifts his focus entirely back to Mike. "Please. Just let me," Harvey's voice is now bordering on desperation. 

"Why?"

"To make you understand."

Mike swallows hard. And he considers saying yes, because Harvey thinks he needs it, and he trusts him. But Harvey's also talking to people that aren't there, and he starts thinking about how it felt when Luke had tied him to the chair and then to the bed, and the thought alone makes him feel like he's being drowned from the inside out. "I can't. I can't do this for you," he tells him. "It's too weird."

Harvey takes a deep breath and his eyes start to get blurry with tears. He wipes them away quickly. "I'm sorry. But you'll understand this way," Harvey says before wrapping his hand around Mike's arm tightly and forces him to walk alongside him.

"Woah, what the fuck are you doing? Let go," Mike demands.

"Mike. Please. Just come. Don't make it more difficult than it has to be."

Harvey can feel Mike pulling to get free. At first, the effort is minimal, like he's expecting Harvey to just release him, but when Mike sees where they're headed, he becomes more determined to break free of his grasp. Harvey is trying his hardest to just get Mike there without hurting him. He doesn't want to hurt him, he just wants to show him. 

"I need you to sit down," Harvey asks. "Right here," he points to the spot.

Mike stops fighting momentarily. "Okay, okay, I'll do it. Just let go of my arm."

"Keep an eye on him, Harvey. You can't trust that he's going to listen," he hears Luke say. 

The second Harvey let's go of Mike's arm, he spins around and starts to make a run towards the stairs. Harvey instinctively chases him and catches him by the back of the shirt as Mike's feet slip out from under him, and he falls against the stairs. Harvey tries carefully to get a hold of his arms so he can safely lift him and take him back, but Mike is flailing his arms wildly, and one of them ends up connecting with Harvey's mouth. 

The hit sends him reeling back for a short second before he realizes he has to be slightly more aggressive with his approach. He puts his hand in the middle of Mike's back and pushes him against the stairs, pinning him hard enough that he's able to get both of his arms and pull him up by them. 

Mike is out of breath and panting when Harvey starts to drag him back where he needs him.

"Please just listen and sit this time. _Please_ ," he stresses.

Mike listens this time, sitting down with his back up against it. Harvey takes the rope and recreates the way Luke had always tied them, pulling them tight enough on him that it elicits a small moan from Mike's mouth. 

Harvey walks back around and Mike looks at him with teary, pleading blue eyes. He looks scared. Harvey's heart plummets into his stomach. He doesn't know how he was expecting it to feel for him, but it definitely wasn't like this.

"What are you going to do to me?" Mike asks with a shaky voice.

Harvey's breath suddenly feels caught in his throat as panic begins to settle into his bones. His heart is beating furiously and his whole body is starting to sweat. He feels like he might pass out. 

"This...this isn't right," he stutters. "This is wrong. There's... something wrong," he says, rubbing his hands over his face in a frenzied manner. "I need. I need," he repeats, trying to catch his breath, "air."

"Harvey? What the hell is going on? Are you okay?" Mike asks. "Don't leave me down here!"

Harvey hastily stumbles his way up the steps and out the door, slamming it shut behind him. Not trusting his legs to be able to carry him any farther he presses his back against the door and allows himself to drop down to the floor. His shoulders heave up and down as he gasps for air that seems to no longer exist. Everything starts to fade to black. 

\-----

Mike fights to try to free himself from the ropes, which he knows even before beginning is a losing battle. They're tight, and the more effort he puts into it, the tighter they pull against him making him grit his teeth in pain. 

When he accepts that it's hopeless and there's no breaking himself free, he yells for Harvey. Screams his name until his voice is graveled and his words are reduced to sobs. There's no answer. He hopes Harvey is okay. He hopes he comes back soon. He wishes he had told Sean where he was going. He wishes it wasn't so dark and quiet down here. He wishes it wasn't so fucking cold. He wishes he had never agreed to come. He wants to go home.

\-----

When Harvey opens his eyes again, he finds himself propped up against a wall, sitting on the cold concrete. He swivels his head back and forth, eyes darting around the room in an attempt to take in his surroundings. He realizes he's back in the basement, but he doesn't remember coming back down here. 

"Harvey?" Mike asks, his voice sounding unsure. "Are you...okay?"

Harvey pulls himself up off the ground, using the wall behind him to steady himself. He walks over and stands in front of Mike. 

"Can you untie me? Please? I can't feel my arms."

"Will you stay right here with me if I do?"

Mike shakes his head compliantly.

"I need to hear you say it."

"I won't move from here. I promise."

Harvey nods in approval and moves around the back to start undoing the ropes. It feels like fire shooting through his arms when they're finally free. Mike brings them close to his body and tries to move them to get the circulation flowing, but they feel heavy and useless. 

Harvey comes back around and sits back down on the floor, positioning himself only a few feet away from Mike. 

"I was starting to think you weren't coming back for me."

"I just needed some air."

"You were gone for a long time. Had to have been at least two hours," Mike tells him.

Harvey's face scrunches up in confusion. "No, I wasn't. It couldn't have been that long. I sat right outside the door at the top of the steps, just long enough to be able to catch my breath. And then I was...back here."

"It wasn't a few minutes. And you didn't hear me screaming for you? Begging you to come back down?"

"The basement's soundproof, I couldn't have heard you."

"Right. Of course, it is." 

Harvey sees the deep, discolored indents in Mike's wrists and arms where the rope had been. He watches as he continues to rub over them in an attempt to restore feeling back into them. "I'm sorry, Mike. I only ever wanted to make you understand."

"Yeah, so you've said," Mike says dismissively.

"Can you tell me something...when that door opened up again, what was the first thing you felt? It wasn't fear right?"

Mike pushes a breath out. "No. It wasn't fear. It was...relief, I guess."

"That's how it all started with him. Feelings of relief and...gratitude. It didn't matter if he was the one causing all the pain, him saving me from it always seemed like the important part."

"Because he manipulated you into thinking that way. He wasn't ever nice to you because he cared about you."

"You don't understand."

"So maybe you should hit me to make me understand. Or burn me. Or choke me until I'm unconscious like he did to you. Go ahead. Those are the next logical steps here, right?"

"No, I would never--"

"Exactly, Harvey! You wouldn't do it to me because you actually fucking _care_ about me! Or...at least I think you do. Luke, on the other hand, didn't give a shit about you!"

Silence takes over the room, it's presence is both heavy and stifling. Harvey's almost waiting for Luke to show up and interject, convince him that Mike's wrong, and he did care, but it doesn't happen.

"You're wrong. He did care. He just cared...differently. Everything's not always black and white. With him, the good things he did, and the bad things he did to me, they all started to blur together and it all just feels like love after a while."

"Oh, Harvey..." Mike sighs. "We need to get you help."

Mike looks at Harvey and he looks utterly defeated. "Let's go home, Harvey. Let's get out of this place. Please?" Mike implores.

Mike is still expecting some kind of resistance from Harvey, but there's none to be found. "Okay," he agrees, his voice no louder than a whisper. 

They go up the stairs and make their way back outside and to the car. Mike opens the door and gets in and Harvey is still standing outside, staring at the house. He hopes it's him looking at it for the final time. He knows with certainty that he is never stepping a foot in it again, but despite the promise Harvey had made to him, he's not so sure Harvey won't somehow end up back here.

-

Harvey eventually gets in the car, and Mike hurries to start the car and drive away from there as fast as he can. He looks over at Harvey no more than ten minutes after they've pulled away, and he's asleep, or he's pretending to sleep to avoid any more conversation, either way, Mike's glad that the ride home is a silent one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took so long to update, life and work are both unrelenting nightmares. Also, I don't know what I'm doing so there's that. Thanks to everybody still sticking out reading this shit, it's seriously so appreciated!


	42. Chapter 42

Mike tosses his keys down on the counter when they get back to Harvey's. 

"Mike...can we talk?" 

"Not...tonight, okay? I just want to go to sleep," he replies, his voice still hoarse from all the yelling. 

"Okay. Mike, I'm--"

Mike cuts him off. "I said not tonight, Harvey. Please."

"I understand."

Mike doesn't think he does. He brushes past him and to the bedroom, he goes straight into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. 

All the adrenaline from the night has started to fade and there's an intense, burning ache in his shoulders. He opens the medicine cabinet to grab some Tylenol out. He twists the bottle cap open and dumps three into his hand. He pops them straight into his mouth and reaches to turn the faucet on, cupping a small amount of water in his hand to wash them down with. 

He puts the bottle back and closes the cabinet. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, and then down at his wrists and arms and the gravity of what had actually happened tonight hits him hard.

The more he thinks about it; about being back there, the more his vision starts to blur as tears fill his eyes. He tries to stop it, to control his breathing by inhaling and exhaling slowly but that goes out the window very quickly as he's overtaken by emotions. The fact that _Harvey_ of all people had been the one that did this to him is such a devastating feeling.

He can make excuses for it, and he will because it's easier to process it that way. Harvey wasn't in the right state of mind, he didn't mean to, he's sorry, and a thousand other reasons that he'll have to come up with to make it okay, but none of them can take the sting out of it or make it feel any less like a betrayal. 

It becomes obvious that there's no point in trying to hold anything in so he just allows himself to sink to the floor and cry. He tries to be as quiet as possible because he doesn't want Harvey to hear him.

He stays on the floor until time calms him and his quiet sobs more or less have stopped, only a shudder escaping his body now and then. 

He gets up off the floor and uses the sink to splash some cold water on his face. He reaches for a towel to dry it off and avoids the mirror altogether. He switches off the light switch, unlocks the door and leaves the bathroom.

Mike is relieved that Harvey isn't in the bedroom when he comes out. He quickly changes and crawls under the covers, reaching over to turn out the light, desperate to put an end to the day. He's hoping how drained he feels translates into being able to fall asleep fast. He doesn't want to think about anything anymore. 

\-----

Mike's not sure how long he's been sleeping when he feels the weight distribution of the bed shift as Harvey crawls into it and slides up next to him.

"Mike," he whispers.

Mike wraps the covers tighter around himself and rolls farther away from Harvey. "Not now," he says sleepily. 

He feels the comforter being tugged away from him, so he tightens his grip on it and pulls it tighter once more. "Go away, Harvey."

Harvey starts to stroke Mike's hair. "I just want to talk to you."

"I told you we can talk in the morning. I'm tired. Let me sleep."

The hand that was stroking his hair disappears and reappears on his arm, it's a gentle grip that turns anything but when it tightens enough to forcefully roll him from his side to his back.

"What the hell are you doing?" Mike says, suddenly feeling _very_ awake. 

"You did so well tonight. I knew you'd be a fast learner. You always were."

"What are you talking about?"

"I think we can go a little farther. I think you're ready."

Panic starts to rise in Mike's chest and he's starting to feel trapped. He attempts to sit up, but Harvey pins him down against the bed. He shifts in the bed and with one quick movement climbs on top of him, straddling him. 

"Harvey! Get off of me!"

"Shhh, just be quiet. Relax. I would never do anything to you that I didn't think you could handle."

Mike tries to push Harvey off of him, and when he does Harvey wraps his hands around his throat and squeezes. Mike's hands move to Harvey's, frantically trying to pry him off of him.

Harvey releases a little, enough that Mike's able to take in a quick gulp of air, before he squeezes again, just enough for it to be a warning of what's to come. 

"H-Harvey, please. You're h-hurting me," Mike gasps.

"Just be a good boy, Mike. Let me show you."

Despite Mike's pleas, Harvey's grip tightens once more. The colors of the room start to dim, and Harvey's face blurs into nothing as he begins to lose the fight to stay conscious. 

-

Mike's eyes shoot open as he snaps awake, gasping for air. Tears sting his eyes as he chokes out a few sobs. 

The room is bright and warm, filled with light that's filtering through the curtains. Even when he becomes aware that it was just a nightmare, his body struggles to catch up with the fact. His chest heaves and he feels on the verge of hyperventilating. 

He closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. Slow breaths in, slow breaths out. It takes far longer than he would have liked, but he eventually can calm himself down. 

He looks over at the clock and it's nearing 11. With the nightmare fresh in mind, he's having a hard time determining if he was able to get a decent night of sleep. 

And even if the nightmare wasn't real, yesterday was, and he's dreading dealing with the aftermath. 

\-----

Harvey's in the kitchen when Mike finally manages to drag himself from the bedroom. When Harvey sees him he turns around and grabs a coffee from the brown cardboard carrier and sits it down on the counter on the side closest to Mike. 

"I also got you one of those chocolate donuts you like," Harvey informs.

"Is it supposed to be some sort of bribe?"

"It's not a bribe. I just thought you'd like something to eat, that's all."

"Well, you can have it. I'm not hungry."

"What about the coffee?"

"You can keep that, too. I'm afraid of the clarity it might bring me if I drink it."

Harvey sighs. "Okay." He moves the coffee away from Mike, thinks about popping the lid off, and dumping it down the drain but instead puts it back in the carrier, on the off chance that Mike changes his mind.

"I had a nightmare about you," Mike says.

Harvey turns around and looks at him. "About what I did to you?"

"No. Something worse. Something that hasn't happened yet."

The word yet hangs heavy in the air between them. 

Harvey doesn't want to know, but he asks anyway. "What happened?"

"I dreamt you crawled into my bed and started choking me."

"Mike...I would never hurt you."

Mike huffs humorlessly and shifts in his seat. "Never? Or you would never hurt me _again_?"

Harvey swallows involuntarily. "Again. I don't want to make excuses for what I did yesterday, because there aren't any. I fucked up. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Tell me something, did you already know what you were going to do with me when you asked me to go?" 

"No. I mean...maybe. I don't know. I guess it was in the back of my mind and I ended up letting myself be talked into it."

"Talked into it? By who? Luke is _dead_ , Harvey!"

"You think I don't know he's dead, Mike? I was there. I tried to stop the bleeding. I held his goddamn body. I am fully aware that he's fucking dead!" 

"No, Harvey, you're not," Mike counters. "You might be aware at _this_ very moment, but what about after you've been drinking all day? What about when you're visiting his house and pretending like anything that happened in there was anything less than a goddamn horror show? What about last night? From where I was sitting, or rather tied up from, you didn't seem to be too fucking aware of anything!"

Harvey puts his head down, unsure of how to respond. "I'm sorry. I wish I could undo it all," he finally says. Even though it's genuine and he truly does wish he could take it all back, the words feel empty and meaningless. 

"Do you though? I mean, after all, you got exactly what you wanted from it. I understand now."

"What?"

"The way you forgave Luke for doing awful things to you; I get it. Because you did something awful to me and I know that I can forgive you for it. And I also know that you could do so much worse to me and I'd be able to forgive you for that too."

Harvey looks at Mike, his brown eyes full of concern. "Are you scared I'll do something else to you?"

Mike pauses to think before answering honestly. "I don't think you'd do anything on purpose."

Mike's admission rattles him a bit. "I'm _not_ like him, Mike."

"I never said you were. You've just been...unpredictable lately is all."

"I...know, " Harvey pauses to draw in a few shaky breaths before continuing. "I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday."

Mike is positive he didn't hear him right. "You what?"

"I called Dr. Lipschitz this morning and talked a little and he helped me get in touch with somebody. I want to get help. I need it. I don't want what happened last night to happen ever again."

"Harvey..." is all Mike manages to say, his entire demeanor changing right before Harvey's eyes as he rushes around to the other side of the counter and wraps his arms tightly around him. It takes Harvey a few moments to feel comfortable enough to accept the embrace. He certainly doesn't feel deserving of any love after what he'd done, but he's also not sure Mike was planning on letting go if he didn't hug back. 

"I'm proud of you," Mike whispers against his ear. 

"Don't be. I haven't done anything yet."

"Are you kidding? You're taking the first step. That's huge."

It hadn't felt anything at all like a first step when Harvey had called. It felt more like a desperate last measure. And the relief that's currently in Mike's voice is what Harvey had hoped to feel when he called, but he didn't get any sort of relief from it, however, in the interest of fairness, he didn't feel any _worse_ for making the call either. 

Maybe in some ways that in itself had been progress.


	43. Chapter 43

Harvey knows making an appointment with a therapist doesn't absolve him of anything. In fact, the reason he made it in the first place admittedly feels pretty manipulative in itself. He does know he needs help but that wasn't the sole reason for doing it. The sole reason for finally going ahead and pulling the trigger on it after being so reluctant prior is because he knows it's a surefire way to get back into Mike's good graces.

So he tells him and it plays out how he expects it to, and now Mike doesn't seem so angry with him. There's still an underlying level of tension between them, but he imagines that will mellow out with some time. Mike never has been able to stay angry at him for long, after all. It's a character trait of his that he would certainly be better off without, but one Harvey is eternally grateful for. 

Mike breaks away from the hug and gives Harvey some space. "Sorry for, uh, that. It's just, we haven't had good news in a while."

"I don't want you to get your hopes up, Mike."

"My hopes aren't up. They're just hopes. And they're firmly planted on the ground without expectation."

"Okay," Harvey says.

"Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure, anything. What is it?"

"Can you pretend I didn't tell you that I don't want that coffee?"

"I never heard a thing."

Mike smirks and walks over to grab the coffee off the counter. Harvey's eyes can't help but drift to his wrists that just peak out under the long sleeves of his shirt when he brings the cup up to his mouth.

Harvey hesitates to say anything, not wanting to keep dwelling on the subject or keep making Mike think about it, after all, he knows better than anybody else what it's like to do nothing but think and remember, though he's sure Mike's mind hasn't strayed too far from everything. He knows his mind never does.

"Do they hurt? Your uh," Harvey nods his head and directs his eyes to Mike's arms.

Mike self-consciously tugs at the sleeves of his shirt. "It probably looks worse than it feels."

"Can I see?"

Mike pauses, and Harvey thinks he's trying to decide if it's a good idea or not, but he slowly pushes the sleeve of his shirt up and gives him a full view of his arm.

"Jesus. I'm so sorry." Harvey didn't think he had the ropes that tight, but the bruising says otherwise.

Mike hastily rolls the sleeve back down, tugging at the bottom to make sure everything is covered, feeling embarrassed for whatever reason. "As I said, it looks worse than it feels. My shoulder bothers me more than anything."

"Shit. Really? Do you think it's anything serious?"

"Nah. Probably not. I think I did it to myself trying to pull against the ropes."

Harvey feels overwhelming guilt and knows there's no way to truly make it up to him. There's no taking anything back with something like that. 

"You should ice it," Harvey suggests. Luke had offered him ice packs and heating pads to alternate between when he'd given him breaks from being tied up the first time he was there. Some days, when he was so sore he could barely move, they felt like a godsend. 

"No, it's all right, it should be fine without anything."

Harvey goes to the freezer anyway and gets one out. "Which shoulder is it?" he asks.

"It's the right one," Mike answers.

Harvey walks over and presses the ice pack against his shoulder and Mike shudders underneath it. "Ahhh."

Harvey quickly removes it. "Too cold?" he asks, before walking over, grabbing a clean dishcloth and wrapping it around it before pressing it back against him.

"Actually," Mike says, rolling his shoulder back into the ice pack, "that feels pretty good." Mike reaches his hand up and around to hold it himself. Harvey takes the cue and moves his hand away from it.

"Do you want me to get you a Tylenol or anything like that?"

"No. I'm okay for now. I do think I might move to the couch though, I don't think I have the energy to do much of anything today. Do you...want to join me?"

"Not right now. I have a couple of things I want to do."

"Like what?" Mike asks a frown lightly pulling on his brows. 

"Just some things to clear my mind."

Mike sighs heavily.

"I'm not going to Luke's if that's what you're thinking."

"Okay, Harvey."

"I'm serious, Mike. I'm not going there."

"I heard you."

Mike pulls the ice pack down and carries it with him into the living room. He adjusts the pillow before tossing the ice pack onto the coffee table and grabbing the remote to turn the tv on as he carefully allows himself to fall backward onto the couch.

Harvey goes into the bedroom and changes into clothes to run in, grabs his earbuds from the top drawer of the dresser, and gets ready to leave. 

"I'll try not to be gone too long, and you can call or text me if you need anything," Harvey informs.

"Okay," Mike replies.

Harvey waits for him to say something else, but his attention has shifted to flipping through channels on the tv, so he sticks his earbuds in and heads out the door. 

\-----

A heavy-handed knock at the door wakes Mike from the sleep he had drifted into. He removes the now-warm ice pack from behind his shoulder and tosses it onto the coffee table as he sits up. 

There's another knock.

"Hold up, I'm coming," he says as he pulls himself up and heads towards the door. 

He looks out the peephole and sees Sean. He instantly regrets saying anything because now the option of pretending he isn't home is off the table and that's all he wants to do.

Reluctantly he unlocks the door and opens it. 

"Hey."

"Now's not a good time, Sean." 

"You left your phone at my place yesterday."

"Yesterday?" 

'Was that only yesterday?' Mike thought to himself. The last twenty-four hours have felt like an entire month. 

"Yes, yesterday. When you barged into my house on my day off? Does that help ring any bells for you?"

"Right. Yeah, of course. Thanks for bringing it back," Mike says as he takes it from Sean's hand. 

"I thought your memory was supposed to be really good?"

"It doesn't work like that," Mike explains. 

"Oh. What's going on with you? Are you starting to get sick?"

"No. What are you talking about?"

"No offense, but you look like shit and sound like shit too."

"Well, gee, thanks Sean, that makes me feel really great. Maybe if somebody hadn't woken me up by pounding at my door unexpectedly, I would be able to be more put together for you."

"I didn't mean it like that, sorry. Is Harvey here? Can I come in?"

"No, he's not, and no you can't. He'll be home soon though and I want to go sleep more so thank you for bringing my phone, but as I said, this isn't a good time. Sorry," Mike apologizes as he starts to push the door shut.

Sean stops the door with his hand. "Are you sure nothing is going on?"

"Everything is fine, okay?" Mike finally manages to make eye contact with Sean and it's not comforting in any sort of way. The complete 180 from yesterday when Mike was practically barging in his house to being strangely avoidant today is slightly concerning. "I can call you later or maybe we can grab lunch tomorrow," Mike adds as some sort of incentive to get Sean to leave without necessarily having any intentions of fulfilling either of the offers. 

"All right, I'll go."

"Thanks for bringing my phone again."

"Of course."

Mike pushes the door shut behind him and internally breathes a sigh of relief. He walks back to the living room and scoops up the ice pack from the table and takes back to the kitchen and places it back in the fridge while grabbing out a beer. 

He looks at the clock on the wall and wonders when Harvey is going to be back, and more importantly, he wonders what Harvey is going to be like when he gets back. 

He carries his beer with him back into the living room and sits back down. He's barely begun to settle in and start flipping through the channels again when there's another knock at the door again.

Annoyed, he tosses the remote off of him and gets up, fully expecting Sean to be knocking again, unable to just let shit go, he doesn't bother looking to see who it is and just swings the door open. "What now?" he asks, his tone harsh. 

It's not Sean though, it's Harvey and he's juggling bags in his arms. "Mind giving me a hand?"

Flustered, Mike scrambles to help grab a bag from Harvey. "Uh, yeah, of course. Sure."

They carry the bags in and set them down on the kitchen counter.

"Who did you think was at the door?" Harvey asks as he puts the last bag down.

"Uh, somebody was selling something, I thought they had circled back around."

"Ah, I see."

By his tone alone, Mike knows Harvey doesn't believe him, but he seems to be okay with letting it slide for now. 

"What is all this for?" Mike questions as he starts rifling through the bags.

"They're called groceries. I thought maybe doing something mundane like grocery shopping would help me somehow."

"Did it?"

"About as much as picking out avocados can help, I suppose."

Mike hums in agreement while moving around to start putting things away.

"How's your shoulder?"

Mike shrugs. "Better. I think the ice helped. Also probably helped that I did absolutely nothing today."

"You rested, that's exactly what you needed to do. Now, why don't you go sit back and I'll put all of this away."

"But I want to help you."

"Okay," Harvey says, unwilling to let it snowball into an argument. 

-

They work together to get everything put away and Mike slides up on one of the barstools. 

"Are you hungry?" Harvey asks. "I could make you something."

"You don't have to do that. I'll just have cereal."

"Really? Out of everything I bought you want the cereal?"

"Well, I don't _have_ to have it."

"I wasn't saying you couldn't have it."

Harvey doesn't catch it, but he's pretty sure Mike rolled his eyes at him before he gets up and gets a bowl from the cupboard. He pauses momentarily before shutting it. "Do you want some?"

"Sure."

Mike grabs a second bowl out and then makes his way over to grab two spoons from the drawer. Lastly, he opens the cupboard where the cereal is. "What kind do you want?"

"I'll have whatever you're having."

Mike grabs the Cheerios and pours two bowls, while Harvey grabs the half-gallon of milk from the fridge and brings it over. Mike steps out of the way so Harvey can pour it into the bowls. Once he's finished, he twists the cap back on the milk and takes it back to the fridge. When he turns around Mike is dumping a heaping scoop of sugar on top of his.

He looks up at Harvey and raises an eyebrow inquisitively while holding the scoop in his hand. 

"No thanks," Harvey says. Mike shrugs and drops the scoop back into the sugar bowl before putting it back on the counter. 

Harvey picks up both bowls, carries them over and places them down on the counter before sliding up onto a stool. Mike takes one away from him, leaving an empty chair between them. Harvey tries not to overthink why. 

The sound of chewing and spoons hitting against glass bowls is all that fills the air for a while. Mike eventually puts down his spoon and turns to Harvey. "Where did you go today?"

Harvey finishes chewing and swallows before answering. "For a run, to the gym, and then the grocery store, and then I came right back here."

"Nowhere else?"

"Nowhere else. That's it, I swear."

Mike turns back to his cereal, picking up his spoon and taking another bite. Harvey does the same. 

"Sean brought my phone back. I went to his place yesterday for a little bit and I forgot my phone there, so he came by to bring it back," Mike confesses before gluing his eyes to Harvey to wait for a reaction.

"Did you tell him what happened last night?"

Mike's eyes avert from Harvey. "No."

"Did you want to?"

"I'm not going to tell him," Mike assures.

"That's _not_ what I asked you."

"Why the _fuck_ would I want to tell anybody that my boyfriend tied me up in a basement?"

"Mike--"

"I'm done," Mike says as he slides off the chair, grabs his bowl and tosses it towards the sink. When it lands the noise makes Harvey flinch and he's impressed that it didn't shatter upon impact.

Mike disappears down the hallway and Harvey waits to hear the door slam but the sound never comes.

\-----

Mike reappears hours later. He approaches Harvey in the living room and Harvey shifts to offer Mike a place to sit if he wants it. He sits down and watches the screen without saying a word. 

Harvey can't stand the long, drawn-out silence and has to break it eventually. "Want a beer?"

Mike looks over at Harvey who has already slid halfway off the couch. "Sure," Mike finally says.

Harvey gets up and comes back a few seconds later with two beers in his hand and holds one out to Mike. 

"Thanks," Mike says as he takes it from his hand.

Harvey sits back down and takes a long sip from the bottle and it tastes particularly satisfying after not drinking any alcohol all day, which had felt like a monumental task on its own, and one that he's not too confident that he'll be able to repeat.

Mike doesn't drink from his but sits it down on the table. "You have therapy tomorrow."

"I know."

"Are you still going?"

"That's the plan."

"Are you nervous?"

"I haven't thought about it too much. Thought that if I did I'd find every reason in the book not to go."

Mike frowns. "I think it will be good for you. And for us."

Harvey takes another swig from his bottle. "I hope so."

Mike leans over and rests his head on Harvey's shoulder and lets out a soft sigh. Any sort of affection from Mike sends a pang of guilt coursing through his body because it seems so undeserved. 

Mike's sitting in an awkward position, so Harvey carefully moves him so that he's able to crawl out from under his weight and softly lay him down on the couch. He grabs a pillow and gently lifts his head so he can place it underneath before grabbing a blanket and covering him up with it. 

"Goodnight, Mike," he whispers to him.

He makes sure the front door is locked and makes his rounds turning off all the lights. There's a brief moment when he stops in the kitchen and thinks about pouring himself a glass of whiskey to help him sleep or take the edge off or any excuse he can think of that sounds better than the simple truth of it is that he just wants it and feels like he needs it, but he buries the thought and manages to resist the temptation for the time being. 

\-----

Seconds of lying awake in bed quickly turn into hours. He tosses and turns and adjusts and re-adjusts himself and only ends up more exhausted for his efforts. He gets tired of the restlessness and goes back out for the bottle of whiskey. He pours himself a glass, just one, and takes it back into the room with him. 

He sits on the bed and polishes it down in record time, the burn of it all too familiar, and a lot like adding fuel to the flames of his growing desire to want to drink himself to sleep. 

He props a pillow behind his head and tries once more to fall asleep. He would likely have fallen into some sort of sleep if he had waited long enough, but he feels less restless after the drink and his body feels like it's radiating heat from the inside out and his eyelids start to feel heavier each time he blinks, and everything around him slowly starts to fade away.

-

Fingers muss through his hair, he doesn't open his eyes, instead just pushes up into the warm hand that has begun to gently scratch his scalp. 

"I have to admit the therapy angle you're working with the kid is pretty impressive."

Harvey still doesn't open his eyes. "It's not an angle, Luke. I want to get better."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Harvey."

"I'm not sure that anybody believes that, yourself included."

Luke takes his hand away from Harvey's head and he instantly misses the contact. Harvey finally opens his eyes and sees Luke sitting beside him on the bed, as expected. There are no illusions to be had here, Harvey is fully aware that he's dreaming. What he doesn't know yet is if being aware is better or worse in this particular situation. 

"I'm curious, what exactly is it that you're planning on telling them I did to you? Will you be completely honest? After all, therapy only works if you're honest, you know that right?"

Harvey exhales loudly and rubs his eyes. "I just want to sleep."

"You _are_ sleeping," Luke points out.

"You know what I mean. Without you."

"Didn't seem like you wanted to be without me considering how desperate you were for my touch mere minutes ago." 

"That's before I knew it was a dream. I thought you were Mike."

That draws laughter from Luke. "Bullshit. Mike has never touched you the way I have and he never will."

Luke reaches over and grabs Harvey's chin and guides his head so that he's looking directly at him. He leans in and starts to reel Harvey closer to him using only his fingertips. Once he's close enough to feel the heat of his mouth, the way his breathing is starting to increase, he tilts his head back and rubs a thumb against the bottom of his chin. Harvey closes his eyes and braces himself for it...

_Harvey? Harvey! Wake up!_

Harvey's eyes snap open and he sees Mike standing by the side of the bed. 

"You need to start getting up, you have your appointment today."

"Okay. I'm...getting up," Harvey says. 

Harvey's frustrated with both Mike and himself. Mike for waking him up and himself for not wanting to be woken up. The dreams are better than the nightmares, but they make him feel terrible all the same.

"Good. I'm making coffee for you right now. Do you want anything to eat?"

"No. I'm good. Thanks."

Harvey waits until Mike leaves to crawl out from under the covers and drag himself to the bathroom for a shower. 

\-----

"There you are," Mike greets when Harvey finally shows up. He gestures towards the counter. "Your coffee is right there."

"Thanks," Harvey replies as he scoops up the mug and cautiously takes a sip from it. 

"How'd you sleep?" Mike asks from behind his own coffee mug.

"All right. You?"

"Surprisingly well considering I slept so much yesterday."

"Good. You needed it."

Harvey looks down at his watch. He still has a little bit of time left before he has to head out so he sits down on one of the barstools. Mike stays standing, leaning forward with his elbows on the counter propping him up. 

"After you're done with therapy, why don't you let me take you out for lunch? If you're feeling up to it, that is."

"Sounds a lot like you're offering me the equivalent of rewarding a child with a lollipop for behaving at the doctor's."

"Or I just want to spend time with you? But it's fine if you don't want to."

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. Lunch with you would be great."

"If you're feeling up to it," Mike reminds. 

Harvey takes a few more long sips of his coffee and checks his watch again. "I guess I should get ready to go," he says as he gets up from his seat.

Mike walks around the counter. "Come here," he says and he opens his arms, and Harvey steps into them and lets himself be engulfed by the hug. 

Mike pulls back a little and places a soft peck on Harvey's lips. "I am so happy you're doing this. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Harvey says before pulling away from Mike, afraid that if he doesn't get some separation he's not going to be able to choke down the emotions he feels rising to the surface. "I better get going."

"Okay. Be safe. I'll be here when you get home if you need anything don't hesitate to call me."

Harvey grabs his cell phone and wallet from the console table, tucks them into the pocket of his jeans, as Mike walks closely behind until they reach the door. He offers him one more goodbye and I love you before watching him turn and walk until away, eventually disappearing from his view.

\-----

Mike knows sitting at home alone would be maddening, so he decides to go to the office. He hasn't been in a while, but everybody is understanding as to the reasons why for the most part. He updates Donna on how Harvey is doing and he hopes that with a few sessions of therapy under his belt that maybe he'll be more open to, well, being more open. Maybe let some of the people he's pushed away come back in. Of course, Mike knows it's a little hypocritical of him, seeing as how his own track record with human interaction hasn't been the greatest lately, but it's been a bigger problem for Harvey than it has been for him.

He makes a few calls while there and gathers up some work that he'll be able to do from home. He doesn't want to stay too long and not be home for Harvey so he heads out shortly after that. 

He makes a quick stop on the way back to pick out some flowers for Harvey. 

-

Mike starts to get a little worried when it's starting to get a little late, but it's easier to calm himself down and ground himself in reality when he knows there's no more threat of Luke. Not in the physical sense anyway.

He decides to get out his phone and send Harvey a text.

_hey its been a little while, just wanted to make sure everything is ok with you?_

He's barely put his phone away when he gets a message back.

_I'm on my way back now._

Mike responds by sending the heart-eyes emoji, something he knows always makes Harvey roll his eyes. He waits for a little to see if Harvey replies and when he doesn't he sticks his phone back in his pocket and goes off to do a little tidying up before he gets back home. 

\-----

"Hey, you're back. And still in one piece," Mike greets Harvey when he walks in.

"Mostly."

Mike approaches Harvey and gives him a quick hug. Mike pulls away from him and frowns. "And you smell like alcohol."

"I stopped for a drink after my appointment."

"Just one?"

"Yes, I had a shot. Thought about a second, but came home instead."

"Okay. How did it go? Your appointment, I mean?"

Harvey draws in a long breath. "Do you want the honest answer?"

"I'd prefer it."

"I hated every second of it. I hate talking about any of this shit. And the icing on the cake is that I had a panic attack in the bathroom when it was over."

"I'm sorry," Mike says, a look of concern on his face. "I can't imagine how hard it is for you but I think maybe you'll feel differently after a few sessions."

"Yeah, maybe. Or maybe I'll just feel worse."

"Harvey--"

"Don't worry, Mike, I'm going to keep going if that's what you're worried about," he reassures. 

"Good," Mike says before clearing his throat. "How about we talk about something other than therapy unless you want to talk about it?"

"I'd appreciate that. Do you still want to get lunch?"

"Do you feel up for it? My feelings won't be hurt if you don't, I promise."

"No, let's go. It might be nice to get out of the house and do something normal."

"All right, let me go change first."

Harvey looks down at his clothes and decides that he should probably do the same.

-

Harvey comes back out and doesn't see Mike and figures he finished changing before him, Mike always did take much longer than him to get ready. 

Harvey walks into the kitchen as he buttons the final button on the cuff of his shirt. He's not sure how he missed them before but there is a large bouquet of brightly colored flowers sitting on the countertop. He walks over to them and sniffs, they smell divine. He sees the card on them and reaches to open it up and read them.

_Harvey, I love you for all that you are and all that you do! So proud of you!_

He's not sure there will ever be a point in time that he will ever be able to feel truly deserving of the love that Mike has given him through the years. 

"Do you like them?" Mike asks, his voice making Harvey jump slightly, not enough for Mike to have noticed.

"They're beautiful. Thank you. But you didn't have to."

"I know. But I figured I could guilt you into paying for dinner if I did," Mike says with a smile. 

He's dressed in dark slacks and a powder blue button-down shirt that makes his eyes shine like sapphires. 

"That just might work. You look good, Mike. Come here," Harvey says, closing the space between them and kissing him softly.

"You're not so bad yourself," Mike replies when they break apart from the kiss. "I never thought I'd say this but, I kind of miss your three-piece suits."

"Oh do you now?"

"Just a little."

"Maybe I'll throw one on for you one of these days."

"And boss me around in it for old time's sake?"

"If that's what you're into."

Mike leans back in towards Harvey and this time he initiates the kiss. His kiss is much more intense, not as held back and restricted by thinking the way Harvey's had been.

Harvey pulls back and meets Mike's gaze. "Okay, let's slow down on this. We'll never leave the house if we don't."

"All right, let's go," Mike replies, unable to hide the slight disappointment in his voice. 

\-----

They end up at the place Harvey had taken Mike the time Rachel ended up in the hospital. They had visited it several times after that, usually, they came under the guise of needing to wine and dine a client, but that had always turned into them staying long after the client had left and talked about anything and everything. 

Mike would be lying if he said he wasn't hoping to recapture some of the magic of those nights by choosing this place to bring Harvey to. 

They walk in and are seated almost immediately. This is the part where they'd typically order a bottle of wine or champagne, but Mike's hesitant to do so because he doesn't want to encourage Harvey's drinking.  
His hesitance over it ends up being all for naught because Harvey orders a bottle of wine before he can come to a decision. 

They both pick up their menu, though that's typically a formality since they almost always end up ordering the same meal. Something about the familiarity of it makes them never want to venture out beyond it.  
The waiter brings them their bottle of wine and pours a little into the glass and offers it to Harvey. Harvey tastes it, assuring it's free of any flaws. "That's perfect." The waiter gives a nod and then pours more into his glass, and then into Mike's. 

They both order their food and the waiter leaves the table. 

"To date night?" Harvey offers, holding his glass up.

"To date night," Mike repeats, clinking his glass together with Harvey's. They both take a sip of the wine before placing their glasses back on the table.

"It's weird being back here, especially without having to deal with a client first."

"It's better this way. We get to skip all the hurdles and go straight to the finish line," Harvey replies. 

"Do you miss work?"

"Sometimes. I definitely miss having the purpose it brought to my life. I miss working with you. I just don't know if I'd be able to do it. Not right now. I don't know if that version of me even exists anymore, to be honest." Harvey picks up his glass and takes a sip. 

"I think you'll get there."

They talk a little more and their food arrives shortly thereafter. Mike tries to steer the conversation away from heavier topics, and keep everything light, and for the most part, it works. 

He tries not to be bothered by the frequency that Harvey is downing the wine, nor does he want to say anything and risk ruining the mood, because Harvey's actually laughing and seemingly having a decent time and those are things don't come easy the way they used to.

"This steak is incredible," Mike shares after swallowing a bite. He hopes it will remind Harvey that he also has food on his plate. It works because Harvey picks up his knife and fork and cuts off two more small pieces, stabbing one with a fork and bringing it to his mouth and then the other.

"Very good," Harvey says before picking up the wine bottle and refilling his glass.

"You should probably slow down a little, Harvey."

Harvey laughs. "Calm down, Mike. It's just wine."

"It will get you drunk all the same."

"So what if it does?"

"You know what, forget I said anything."

-

They stay about an hour longer. There's a little bit of unresolved tension that lingers after Mike makes his comment, but they're able to talk around it.

Harvey is on unsteady legs as they exit the restaurant and wait for their ride to come, which thankfully only takes a few minutes. 

Harvey is really touchy on the way back, putting his hand on Mike's thigh and moving it up. Mike brushes him off. 

"We're in a cab," Mike says like Harvey isn't totally aware of it. And maybe he's not. 

"So?" Harvey says, leaning over and playfully nipping at Mike's ear, making the hair stand up on the back of his neck. 

"Not right now, okay?"

Harvey shifts back over to his side of the backseat. "All right."

-

They've barely taken a few steps into the apartment when Harvey is spinning Mike around and kissing him hard. "How about now?" he breathes against him. 

Mike's still trying to work out in his head what exactly is happening. "Is everything okay with you?" he asks. 

Tilting his chin up, he covers Mike's mouth with his, parting his lips a little forcefully. Stumbling slightly, he drives Mike backward until his back is pressed up against the wall. Both their breathing is ragged when they break apart. "You don't like this?" Harvey asks.

"I do, it's just--"

Harvey kisses Mike again to shut him up. 

"Let's go to the bedroom," Harvey breathes against his skin, mouth moving along his jaw. 

"Fuck," Mike exhales. "Okay."

Harvey takes Mike's hand in his and leads him to the bedroom. Harvey's only taken a few steps inside and he's already working to undo the buttons of his shirt. Once his are done he directs his attention to Mike who is slowly undoing his. Harvey pushes Mike's hands out of the way and makes quick work of them, stripping him of his shirt. 

Harvey's eyes go directly to the bruises that litter Mike's arms, and it's so jarring that it nearly pulls him out of the moment entirely. He refocuses and recovers quickly.

"Get on the bed," he says, it's meant as a request but it comes out sounding more like a demand, though Mike doesn't seem to notice or mind because he's already clambering back onto it, moving backward and making room between his legs for Harvey. 

He looks so vulnerable and trusting. It twists something inside Harvey's chest. "Take your clothes off."

Mike immediately reaches up and starts undoing his pants, stripping them off and tossing them to the floor. His boxers follow suit. Harvey unbuttons and unzips his pants, but stops there to climb onto the bed. 

He situates himself between Mike's legs, leans down and trails kisses up and down his neck and along his collarbone where he fixes his mouth and sucks hard while he revels in the moan it draws from him. Mike shoves him away when he starts to use teeth. "Ouch Harvey, be careful."

"Sorry," he apologizes, pressing several soft kisses to the same area. 

Harvey's mouth finds Mike's again, and Mike drags his tongue against Harvey's, opening his mouth and encouraging Harvey to slide deeper. The kiss turns sloppy and wet and Harvey can feel himself growing achingly hard against the fabric of his pants. 

Mike knows this is probably a bad idea, Harvey is at the very least tipsy right now. But he also just went to therapy today and his emotions are probably all over the place because of it, and that's probably a reason why he's doing it but everything Harvey is doing with him feels so fucking good and he's so touch-starved that he doesn't want it to stop.

"I want you to fuck me," Mike says, voice low and needy.

Harvey barely acknowledges it at first, continuing to trail kisses down his chest, stopping to trace patterns over his nipple. 

"Harvey," he moans. 

Harvey climbs off of Mike enough to be able to start undoing his own pants. Mike uses the opportunity to reach across to the nightstand and grab a condom and the bottle of lube.

Harvey has made quick work of his pants and is pulling his boxers from the bottom of his foot and tossing them behind him by the time Mike has re-positioned himself. 

"Is it okay that we're doing this, Harvey?"

"You think too much," Harvey says, grabbing the condom from Mike's hand and tearing it open.

"I just want to be sure."

"Stop talking. Now," Harvey orders as he rolls the condom down onto his cock.

Harvey grabs the lube from the bed next, opens the top, and generously coats his fingers. He brings his hand down to Mike and gently circles his hole with slick fingers before slowly pushing into him. He starts with just his middle finger, moving it in and out long enough for Mike to adjust before adding a second. 

The small moans and whimpers that are escaping Mike's lips feel intoxicating to Harvey. He moves his fingers quicker, desperate to be inside Mike, and Mike's body tenses a little at the change of pace making Harvey adjust his speed.

Harvey works him open enough to be able to add a third finger. He continues to rub and push and stretch him relentlessly while Mike is reduced to small gasps and moans, desperate for more.

"Harvey, I want you in me. Now."

Harvey doesn't need to be told twice, his cock is agonizingly hard at this point. He takes his cock in his hand and lines it up with Mike and slowly pushes inside him. 

Mike bites down on the bottom of his lip. "Fuck."

Harvey doesn't give Mike too much time to adjust, instead, he sets a quick pace that makes Mike gasp and thrust back against Harvey's hips. 

"Fuck. Harvey. Can you slow down a little?"

Harvey doesn't answer, but he does slow, quickly finding a different more comfortable rhythm for Mike. 

"God, Mike," Harvey says. 

Harvey's hands have slowly crept their way up, one resting on either side of Mike's shoulders, pinning him to the mattress as he thrusts all the way into Mike. Mike doesn't have a problem with it until Harvey moves his right hand over and places it around his neck. 

"Can I?" Harvey asks, applying just enough pressure to be sure Mike is clear what he's asking.

Harvey can see the no on Mike's face, it's lurking behind his eyes and right on the tip of his tongue, so Harvey leans down and kisses the no away. He kisses him senseless until he's dazed and gasping for air and the no turns into something different. 

Mike nods his head yes. 

"I need to hear you say it, Mike."

"Yes. Okay."

Harvey puts enough pressure on Mike's throat for him to start to panic and begin to squirm underneath him, he releases the pressure, let's Mike draw in a gulp of air before putting the pressure back on. He pulls almost entirely out of him before thrusting back hard into his body. 

Mike wraps his hand around Harvey's arm, trying to push him off some, Harvey takes the hint and loosens his grip slightly. "You're such a good boy, Mike." 

Harvey can feel orgasm nearing and he quickens his pace. It only takes a few more thrusts before he's spilling inside of Mike, hand wrapped tightly around his throat. 

He removes his hand from Mike's throat, and Mike desperately struggles to get air, trying to force as much of it as he can down his lungs. 

"You have to calm down. Just take a few breaths," Harvey says. "In and out. Nice and slow."

Mike follows Harvey's instructions and it helps him to catch his breath enough to be able to speak. "Can...can you please get off of me?"

Harvey rolls off of him and Mike slides off the side of the bed, and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it for good measure. 

He sits down on the cold tile floor and cries quietly. He draws in a few shaky breaths and tries to fixate on a random spot on the floor, something, anything to distract him and prevent the onslaught of a full-blown panic attack that is starting to seem inevitable.

There's a knock at the door a few minutes later.

"Everything okay in there?"

"Yeah," Mike says, trying to sound as normal as possible. "I'll be out."

Mike pulls himself off the floor and looks in the mirror, his eyes are swollen and red, which only aides in helping a few more tears escape from them. He wipes them away and turns on the faucet, splashing cold water on his face. 

He cleans himself up with a washcloth and stays in the bathroom for a while longer after that before finally unlocking the door and going back out. 

Harvey isn't in the room when he comes out and he's thankful for that. He's able to grab new clothes and get dressed without his eyes on him. 

Once Mike is dressed, he looks at himself one more time in the mirror. Despite his efforts, it still looks like he's been crying, but he doesn't care at this point.

He walks out of the bedroom and finds Harvey in the living room sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, beer in hand. 

"Hey," he says when he notices Mike. "Everything okay?"

Mike shrugs and walks over to join Harvey. 

"I got you a beer if you want it," he informs.

"I don't like it, Harvey."

"The beer?"

"No, the choking. I didn't like it."

"Goddamn it, Mike, I _asked_ you if it was okay. You said it was and now you want to go back and act like, what, like I _forced_ you to do something? Is that it?" Harvey snaps at him. His sudden anger catches Mike entirely off guard.

"That's not it at all. I know that it's my fault for not saying no. I'm sorry."

Harvey huffs and picks up his beer, emptying what's left in the bottle into his mouth. "Was I too rough with you? I can more gentle next time."

Hearing _next time_ at the end of the sentence instantly makes Mike's heart start to race.

"I don't want--"

Harvey interrupts him mid-sentence. "What if we do it with a safeword? Would that make you feel more comfortable?"

Mike doesn't have the energy to fight with Harvey about this, and he doesn't want Harvey to be angry with him or think he was comparing him to Luke so he opts to just drop the subject for now. "Maybe," he finally resigns. 

Harvey leans towards Mike and kisses him on the forehead. "I love you," he says before getting up. "I'm going to get another beer. Do you want me to get you anything?"

"No, I'm okay."


	44. Chapter 44

Mike gets up before Harvey comes back, goes into the bedroom, and gets his phone out of the pocket of his pants that are still laying on the floor. 

He sticks it directly into his pocket and leaves before going back out and picking up his messenger bag.

"I thought you left me," Harvey says when he returns to the living room.

"No, just have some work to do," he replies as he sits back down next to him, and opens his messenger bag, pulling out a few papers and his laptop. 

Harvey takes a sip of his beer and pauses before asking "What are you working on?"

Mike isn't sure if Harvey is genuinely curious or is just asking for the sake of conversation, but he picks up the papers and shows him. Harvey takes a moment to skim over them. "Cite checking? Is that really what they have you doing?"

Mike takes the papers back from him. "No, I offered to do it."

"Why? It's boring."

Mike feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He ignores it. "That's why I'm doing it. I don't need to chase the high of something exciting right now, I'm fine with just chasing a distraction."

"Just seems like a waste of your talent, is all."

Mike's phone vibrates again.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Harvey asks. 

Mike hadn't planned on answering but now he feels like he has to answer it with Harvey staring a hole through him. He pulls it out of his pocket and sees Sean's name on the screen. Just seeing it makes him feel guilty, like he's about to be caught, despite not committing a crime.

"You're allowed to talk to Sean," Harvey says. "You don't have to treat him like a dirty little secret," Harvey says before pausing to add "unless, of course, that's what he is."

"You know he's not. And I know that I can talk to him. I just want to focus on my work right now," Mike says as he declines the call. He types a quick text message instead just so Sean doesn't worry or randomly show up at the house.

_really busy tonight with work, we'll talk tomorrow. i promise!_

He sends the message and immediately powers his phone off entirely, and shifting his attention to his laptop. 

-

Mike works until his eyes start to hurt from staring at the screen and he decides to take a break. He closes the laptop and stretches his arms back above his head.

"Are you done?"

"For now, I need a little break."

"You want to get some fresh air with me out on the balcony?"

"Sure. Yeah, that sounds good."

They both get up, Mike stopping to stretch a little bit more before following Harvey out and through the sliding glass door of the balcony. 

Harvey stands, elbows propped against the railing as he surveys the city below. Mike positions himself to the left of Harvey and does the very same. 

"I'll never get tired of this view," Mike says. 

"It feels different now. The lights are never as bright. The air seems different. There's just this...I don't know, heaviness to it all."

"You want to move?" Mike asks, not being entirely serious.

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. There's certainly an appeal to being able to trade the city in for some sleepy little town where nobody has ever heard of me. Build a new life from the ground up."

"That doesn't sound so awful. When you think about it...am I there with you?"

"Always. Would you want to be?"

"That depends."

Harvey raises an eyebrow and turns his head to look at Mike. "Depends on what?"

"Can we get a dog?"

Harvey smiles. It's there and gone so fast that Mike would have missed if he hadn't been looking at him. He's glad he was looking. 

"We could get a dog," he says before adding a condition, "none of those tiny ones though. A real one."

"Deal. I'll start packing tonight."

"If only it were that easy," he laments. 

They stand there for quite some time, side by side until the wind starts to pick up and a chill starts to envelop them. 

"I think I'm going to call it a night," Mike finally says. 

"I'm going to stay out here a little bit longer."

"Okay," Mike replies, giving Harvey's shoulder a gentle squeeze as he walks past him to open the door and go back inside. 

-

Harvey hears the glass door slide open only a few short minutes later and then there's the warmth of a blanket being wrapped around his shoulders. "Not sure how long you were planning on being out here but thought I'd get you this just in case."

"Thanks, Mike."

"No problem," he says as he starts to head back inside. He pauses as he's standing right in the door frame. "Hey Harvey, you don't have to sleep in the guest room tonight if you don't want."

Harvey doesn't say anything in response, so Mike walks back inside and slides the door closed behind him. 

-

Mike takes a long shower and changes into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that is at least a size too big and he only realizes after he's put it on that he had accidentally grabbed one of Harvey's shirts. He's sure Harvey won't mind. 

He climbs into bed and waits for a little, curious if Harvey is going to accept his invite. When it doesn't look like it's happening he rolls over and stretches to reach the light and turn it off before pulling the comforter up to his neck and closing his eyes. 

-

Harvey doesn't go to bed, instead, he pours himself a drink. And then another. He wants to erase the bad parts of the day and this is the fastest way he knows how to do it. And he knows it's temporary because he'll remember everything when he wakes up, but he's okay with temporary. 

He drinks until he feels a wave of nausea hit and finds himself standing in the doorway of the bedroom. He watches Mike sleep for a while before he slowly inches closer until he's able to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Mike," Harvey says into the dark. 

Mike doesn't react in the slightest. He's completely out of it. 

Harvey can't help but think about the way his hand had felt around Mike's neck earlier. It felt wrong but it also felt good. It made him feel in control, a feeling that's almost become non-existent for him. There was an overwhelming desire to see how it feels from the other side, and an equally overwhelming feeling of curiosity, wanting to see how Mike would react if he did it. He would never hurt Mike though. He loves him. Mike knows that.

Harvey gently caresses the side of Mike's face, moving up and getting lost in his hair. It's dark enough that Mike's features are barely highlighted by the small cracks of moonlight that slip through the curtain.

He's softly stroking Mike's hair, looks away for a quick moment and when he looks back he sees Luke. But he's not talking to him this time. He's dead. Bloody, bruised, swollen, and laying where Mike had just been. Harvey pulls his hand away and scrambles to get off of the bed and ends up tripping and falling down on the floor. He closes his eyes shut and keeps them closed until he can convince himself that he's just seeing things and it wasn't real. 

He slowly opens them again. It's just Mike now. He gets up and hurries to leave the room. Hands shaking and breathing irregular, he pours another drink. He knows by drinking more he's trying to use a problem as the solution, but he can't exactly bring himself to care at the moment.

Harvey gathers his glass and the rest of the bottle and goes back out on the balcony with it. He sits down on the chair and covers himself up with the blanket Mike had left for him. The air has grown much colder in just the short time that he had been back inside, but he's glad for it, there's always a strange comfort that he finds in the cold nowadays. 

\-----

Waking up in an empty bed is something Mike never got used to. It takes him back to days, weeks, and months of not knowing if it would always be that way. And even though Harvey is back now, he still can't help but feel a sense of profound sadness in the mornings he wakes up without him there.

He yawns a few times and looks at the clock, reluctantly unburies himself from beneath the covers and rolls out of bed, feet meeting cold hardwood as he ventures out of the room to find Harvey. 

He peeks into the guest room and Harvey isn't there, so he tries the living room next, no Harvey there either. He almost thinks he left the house already but he catches a glimpse of the patio door cracked slightly open out of his peripheral. 

He sees Harvey sitting on the chair, blanket halfway on the floor, empty glass still clutched in his hand. 

"Hey Harvey," he says. 

Harvey doesn't respond so Mike touches his arm, giving him a little nudge. "Harvey."

It startles him awake. "What?"

"Why don't you let me help you inside?"

He says something but Mike doesn't catch it. Instead, Mike slips the glass out of his hand and sets it on the ground and moves the blanket out of the way before he grabs him by the arm and helps get him up to his feet. He slings Harvey's arm around his neck and starts leading him back inside. It's more difficult than he expected it to be, especially considering Harvey isn't providing much assistance. 

He manages to make it to the couch with him, slowly lowering him down onto it. Mike grabs a pillow and props it under his head and then covers him with a blanket. 

"I'm sorry," Harvey says.

"For what?" Mike asks.

Harvey rolls over towards the back of the couch without an answer. 

Since Harvey will likely be sleeping for a while, Mike decides it's a good time to go meet up with Sean before he's bombarding him with texts again. He gets out his phone and finds his number.

_can we meet this morning?_

He almost thinks Sean was waiting by his phone because he gets a response back almost immediately.

_Can't, I have a court thing. This afternoon? 2-ish?_

_ok. where at?_

_Your place? Your office? I don't care, you decide._

_my place works, i guess. not harvey's._

_I know._

_all right i'll see you then._

Mike hits send on the final message and places his phone down on the counter so he can go get dressed. He figures he'll go into work to kill time before he has to go meet Sean. 

\-----

Mike has been at his desk with his head down trying to get through as much work as possible until he has to leave when he hears somebody open the door, he looks up to see Louis. 

"Can I come in?" Louis asks as he's already halfway across the office and sitting down in the chair in front of the desk. 

"I guess so," Mike responds. "What do you want, Louis?"

"I heard a rumor floating around that you were at the office again today, so I had to come to see for myself."

"Well, now that you've seen me you can feel free to leave."

"When's Harvey coming back?"

"I don't know. Not anytime soon."

"So why are you still here? You were ready to zip off to Seattle not so long ago, and Harvey not being here gives you even less reason to stay, so what is it?"

"I like working here."

"Do you? Because you only show up a handful of days, you do the bare minimum while here, things I could get any first year to do, mind you, and then you disappear again."

Mike tries to push back down the frustration he can feel building inside him. "There are extenuating circumstances."

"Uh-huh."

"Look, Louis, I'm not really in the mood for whatever this shit you're trying to pull right now is, so if you could please leave my office I'd appreciate it."

"I need you to draft a brief for Evans Enterprises."

"I don't even know what that is."

"You see that stack of folders on your desk that you've been neglecting, go through it, find it, and then draft me a brief for it."

Ideally, Mike would love to tell him to go fuck himself, but he _does_ feel like he's been slacking, albeit not intentionally. The amount of work he used to do compared to now seems like an astronomical difference. So he decides he'll suck it up this time, and just find a way to get it done.

"Fine. I'll do it," he says through clenched teeth.

"Guess you can teach an old pony new tricks."

"It's dog," Mike corrects.

"What's dogs?"

Mike rolls his eyes. "Nevermind."

Louis looks at him with a confused look plastered to his face, before adjusting his suit jacket and getting up and leaving his office. 

Once he's out of sight, Mike starts to dig through the pile of folders that as Louis had put it, he'd been "neglecting."

He finds what's he's looking for relatively quickly and gives his watch a glance to figure out how much time he has to be able to work on it before he starts going over the information.

-

Mike starts to clean up his desk and file things into his messenger bag. He flips the top of his bag down and pulls out his phone to send Sean a text letting him know he's on his way. 

-

When Mike arrives Sean is already waiting outside the building for him.

"Have you been waiting long?" Mike asks.

"No, only about ten minutes."

Mike nods and starts to walk to the front door and Sean follows behind him. Mike digs his key out of his pocket and unlocks the door, swinging it open and gesturing for Sean to go in first.

"Do you want anything to drink?" 

"I'll take water."

Mike disappears into the kitchen and comes back with two bottles of water. He hands one to Sean before twisting the cap off of his own and taking a drink from it.

"So why did you want to see me so bad?" 

"Because that's what friends do, Mike, they hang out with each other." Sean takes a sip of his water before twisting the cap back on and adding "And not just when one of them needs something either."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. It's just that I only ever seem to exist to you when you need something."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? I was good enough to stay with you while Harvey was gone, but as soon as he's back it's like pulling teeth to even get you to send me a text message back."

"That's because it's complicated, Sean."

"Why? Because Harvey hates me? Even though I've never done anything but try to help him."

Reaching a hand up, Mike rubs at his temples trying to find relief for the headache that's starting to settle in. 

"What is that?" Sean asks, catching Mike off-guard.

Mike drops his hand back down his side. "What's what?" 

"Your arm."

"It's nothing," Mike says, aggressively tugging his sleeve back down past his wrist. He's kicking himself for being so goddamn stupid and totally forgetting about it. 

"That sure as shit didn't look like nothing. Show me," Sean says, taking a step towards him. 

"Sean..."

"Mike."

Sean moves close enough that he's able to reach out and grab Mike's arm. Mike attempts to pull it away, but Sean has a pretty solid grip on him. He holds his arm in place with one hand and uses the other to push Mike's sleeve up. "What the hell happened to you?"

The bruises have faded a lot, but not enough that he can blame it on some clumsy accident. 

"It's not a big deal. They don't even hurt."

"Is this why you were so jumpy and in such a rush to get rid of me when I came to your house the other day ago? Did _Harvey_ do this to you?" Sean questions. He's trying to keep his voice even, stay calm, but a fair amount of anger slips through the cracks despite his efforts.

"Harvey did it, but he didn't mean to."

"And let me guess? He promises he'll never do it again. Yeah, I'm familiar with the bullshit lines abusers use."

"Harvey is _not_ an abuser, you asshole," Mike shouts at him.

Sean huffs incredulously. "How did it happen?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"That bad, huh?"

"No. It's just that you won't understand."

"You're right, I probably won't, but try me."

Mike shifts nervously back and forth. He knows no matter how he explains it, it's going to sound bad. 

"Well?" Sean says. 

"He tied me up...in Luke's basement."

Sean doesn't say anything, but there's a mixture of horror and confusion all over his face that says more than any words could. 

"It probably wouldn't have bruised so much if I didn't pull against the ropes," Mike says as if that makes anything better. 

"You need to get away from him."

"Sean..."

"I'm being serious. Harvey is broken and I know you think you can, but you can't fix him. It's just going to get worse, Mike."

"You know what, stop talking about Harvey like you know a goddamn thing about him. He is _not_ fucking broken. He's just a little lost, but he's trying to get better. He's even seeing a therapist now."

"Of course he is," Sean scoffs. "He knew agreeing to go to therapy was a way to get back in your good graces. He's manipulating you, Mike."

"Fuck off, Sean. I'm done with this conversation," Mike says as he pushes past him.

"Have you been taking him to his appointments?" Sean asks.

Mike pauses and turns back around. "He's only been to one, but no, I didn't take him there."

"How can you be sure he's even going then?"

"Because he wouldn't lie about going to therapy."

"Because _that's_ where he draws the line. Making you a prisoner in a basement is okay, but lying about going to therapy is off-limits?"

"I wasn't a goddamn prisoner. Stop making it out to be something worse than what it was!"

"Mike," Seans' voice softens. "I'm not trying to fight with you or say things to hurt you, but you have me worried. Harvey is sick, and _if_ he's getting therapy, that's a great start, but you really need to be careful around him."

"Careful? Give me a break. He wouldn't hurt me."

"He already has, and you're already making excuses for it. You've gone halfway down a slippery slope without ever even realizing it."

"So what the fuck do you want me to do about it, Sean?" Mike yells, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. "You want me to break up with him? Abandon him when he needs me the most?"

"I didn't say that."

"You might as well have."

"Mike, listen--"

"No, _you_ listen. You don't know what it's like to have been in my position. To be terrified to do simple things like answer the phone or answer the door when somebody knocks because you think the person on the other side of it is going to tell you that they found the body of somebody you love. That's what my reality was, Sean. For _months_. No matter how much I convinced myself during the day that he could still be alive, that heavy, sinking feeling that he was already gone crept in every night without fail. I had horrifying vivid nightmares about him being dead nearly every goddamn night," he pauses. "And then...and then he shows up at my door one day out of the blue. Alive," Mike's voice cracks, his emotions getting the better of him.

He takes a deep breath and continues. "I know I've made terrible choices and I know I've also enabled Harvey in his, but I only ever wanted to help him. That's all I want. If he thought tying me up would help him work through something, is it really that much of a sacrifice to make? I don't want to lose him again. I can't. It would completely destroy me."

"I understand that, and I'm sympathetic towards the situation, but encouraging his behavior _isn't_ helping him. If you decide it's okay for him to tie you up in a basement, then what's next? He's allowed to hit you? Torture you? Where exactly does it stop, Mike?"

Mike sighs and bites his lower lip, trying to hold back tears. "So what exactly is it that you want me to do?"

"I don't have all the answers. But you should make sure that he's actually going to therapy, for starters. Offer to go with him. And then I think you need to start seeing a therapist as well."

"What?" 

"Harvey isn't the only one who's been through a lot. You have too, Mike. It'd be good for you to have somebody to talk to. Maybe find some healthy coping mechanisms. As an added bonus, perhaps Harvey would be more receptive to therapy if he knows you're dealing with the same thing."

"I'm not so sure he'd see it that way," Mike says before rubbing his hands over his face. "I can't believe this is my fucking life. What a goddamn mess."

"I'm sorry," Sean says, unsure of what else to respond with.

Mike looks down at his watch. "I better start heading home before Harvey starts to wonder where I am."

"Okay but one more thing before you go..." 

"What's that?"

"If Harvey puts his hands on you or hurts you again, I want you to call me and let me know."

"Why? Are you going to come to beat him up if he does?" Mike questions, his tone derisively mocking.

"No. I just--I want you to be safe."

"Okay, Sean. I'll be sure to call you next time Harvey ties me up in a basement," Mike replies sarcastically.

"Knock it off, that's not funny."

"Harvey isn't going to hit me. He's not the monster you're desperate to make him out to be."

"That's not what I'm---"

"I have to go, Sean."

"I'll walk out with you if that's okay."

Mike doesn't decline.

-

As they walk out of the building, Sean can't help but wonder if any of what he said had gotten through to Mike at all. He thought was on the right track, but by the end of the conversation, it felt like Mike seemed dismissive.. 

They get outside and Mike's ride is the first to arrive.

"I'd love to have you and Harvey over for dinner sometime. Would that be something you're interested in?"

"Uh, yeah, that sounds great. I'd have to talk to him first about it but if he says yes, then sure."

"Will you ask him and then give me a call? Or even if you don't want to ask him, just give me a call here and there. Or send me a message. Just let me know that everything's okay. I worry about you a lot."

"You don't have to worry." Mike pauses. "And I'll try to be better about keeping in contact with you. And not just when I need something either," he adds.

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

Mike gives a nod and turns to get in the cab to head back home to Harvey. Sean gives a slight wave of his hand as the car pulls out of sight.


	45. Chapter 45

Mike finds Harvey in the kitchen when he gets home, he's standing at the stove, dish towel draped over his shoulder, with his hand busy stirring something in a pot.

Mike walks up behind him, wraps his arms around Harvey's waist, and props his head on his shoulder in an attempt to see what he's making.

"Hey, I thought I heard you come in," Harvey says, leaning into the embrace.

"What are you making?"

"If you must know, it's a very rare delicacy."

Mike sees the sauce in the pot and glances over at the counter and sees the box from the pasta. "Spaghetti?" he guesses.

"That would be it."

"Mmm, one of my favorite rare delicacies. It smells fantastic," Mike states.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving," Mike says. He gives Harvey a little squeeze before pulling away from him and giving him room to continue cooking. 

Harvey seems to be in a pretty good mood and though Mike isn't sure why, he isn't about to question it either, especially considering he had been passed out drunk on the couch when he'd left to go to work this morning. 

"Need any help with anything?"

"No, I think I got it covered, for now, thanks."

"Okay, I'm going to go change out of this suit."

"All right," Harvey says, as he continues to stir the sauce.

-

Mike decides to sneak in a quick shower before changing, and when he comes back out Harvey is pulling a tray of garlic bread out of the oven and setting it on the counter.

"Good timing. Want to grab some plates?"

"Sure thing."

Mike brushes past Harvey and grabs two plates from the cabinet, and places them on the counter, before opening the drawer to get out utensils. He reaches up and gets out two glasses, before pausing and asking Harvey if he wants something to drink.

"Water's fine," Harvey replies. Mike puts some ice in their glasses and fills them with water before placing them on the counter where they'll be eating.

"Anything else?" he asks when he finishes. 

"No, that's it, thanks. Go grab a seat a while, I'll be right over."

Harvey is over shortly with their food. He puts a plate in front of Mike and then turns to grab his plate and place it down at the seat next to his. He grabs two napkins before coming back and joining Mike. 

"This looks delicious, Harvey. Thank you."

"Don't get too excited, I kind of cheated the system and just used pre-made noodles and jarred sauce. Not exactly homemade."

"Still counts. And I'm sure it's great." Mike picks up his fork and stabs it into the pile of noodles. He twirls it around his fork and takes a bite, slurping the last bit that came unwound into his mouth. Something that makes Harvey smile because it's just a very Mike thing to do.

"Okay?" Harvey asks, not waiting for an answer before trying his own.

"Very good."

Harvey swallows his bite and dabs his mouth with a napkin. "How was work today?"

"All right. There's just always so much that needs to be done, and even when I feel like I'm being productive Louis seems to show up and remind me that I'm not."

"Who cares what Louis thinks? He should be lucky you still even show up there."

"I care. I mean, not necessarily about what Louis thinks, but I want to be able to contribute to my ability and it's been a while since I've been able to do that. Probably haven't since you were still around," Mike says. He looks over at Harvey and his face falls a little and he worries that he might have taken it the wrong way. 

"Makes sense. I made the people around me better, just by association, yourself included. Actually, mostly yourself."

"Oh is that what it was?" 

"Without question." Harvey pauses to take another bite of his food. "On an unrelated note, thanks for helping move me inside this morning. And for leaving the Tylenol. We should probably invest in chairs for the balcony that are a lot more comfortable."

"Or maybe you should have just listened to me when I asked you to come to bed."

Harvey's life sometimes feels like it can be reduced to nothing but should have's and what if's.

"I came in, but you were already asleep and I didn't want to disturb you." _And I was seeing things. I was seeing him. I was scared. I couldn't stay in that room._

"Maybe tonight?" Mike throws out the suggestion.

"Maybe." 

-

They both finish eating, and Mike gets up and starts collecting the dishes and heading to the sink with them, Harvey tries to stop him but Mike insists, as many times as needed until Harvey just lets him do it. 

Mike stands at the sink doing dishes, and Harvey keeps him company. He picks up a dishtowel along the way and Mike doesn't argue when he steps in and starts drying them. 

They make quick work of them as a team and wind up next to each other on the couch. 

"I ran into Sean today," Mike says. He wasn't going to bring it up at all, he was just going to tell Sean that Harvey had said no, but Harvey's in a good enough mood so Mike figures he'll take advantage of it, even though he's still expecting him to say no.

"Ran into him how? Like in the street?"

"No, he was at the office."

"For what?"

"I don't know, I didn't ask, but that's not the point. He asked if we would be interested in having dinner at his place."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I told him that I would have to check with you and see. It's fine if you don't want to."

Harvey shrugs. "I'm okay with it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Maybe we can make up for the disaster that was the last time the three of us had dinner together."

"Are you sure?" Mike asks again, feeling a little caught off-guard by the fact that he had agreed to it.

"I said it's fine, Mike. Unless, of course, _you're_ the one that doesn't want to go and you want to use me as an excuse to say no. If that's the case, then tell him no."

"No, it's not that. I am just a bit surprised, is all."

Harvey's not sure why he agrees to it other than a general curiosity. He wants to see what happens when they're in a room together again. He wants to observe the interactions between Sean and Mike. He fully trusts Mike, but he can't say the same about Sean. Maybe a small part of him wants to flaunt Mike in front of him as well, remind Sean that Mike is his. 

"Why don't you go ahead and call him and let him know?" Harvey suggests.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Mike replies. He feels like he's being put on the spot as Harvey watches him get out his cellphone and dial Sean's number.

"Hello?" Sean answers.

"Hey...I just wanted to let you know that I talked to Harvey and he is okay with doing dinner."

"Really?" Sean says, sounding even more surprised than Mike had.

"Yeah."

"I'm swamped with work these next few days, are you able to do a Tuesday night by chance?"

Mike looks over at Harvey. "Is Tuesday okay?"

Harvey nods in approval. 

"Yeah, Tuesday will work," he tells Sean.

"All right. 8 o'clock okay or is that too late?"

"No, it's not too late, that sounds good."

"Great. I look forward to seeing both of you then."

"Yeah. Should be nice. Thanks, Sean."

"All right, I'll let you go now. Keep in touch, Mike. Remember what we talked about, okay?"

Mike can't get off the phone fast enough, he doesn't want Harvey to know that Sean knows what he had done. "Yeah, I will. Bye, Sean."

"Goodbye, Mike."

Mike disconnects the call and slides his phone back into his pocket. "Tuesday at 8."

Harvey doesn't say anything, and Mike is relieved that he doesn't have to scramble for an excuse or a lie. Harvey rests his head against Mike's shoulder. "Do you want to watch a movie?" he asks.

"I'd love to but I have to draft a brief for Louis."

"Do it after, it's still early enough."

Mike looks at his watch. Technically, he isn't wrong, though he'd prefer to just get it knocked out of the way, and he was usually able to work pretty efficiently when it came to briefs. When his eyes land back on Harvey's, soft and brown, and blinking up at him, he can't resist. "Fine. One movie, and then I have to work. No trying to talk me into anything else, okay?"

"Deal. But I pick the movie."

"Sure. But I have to approve of your choice."

"What are you, some kind of lawyer?"

"Some days."

Harvey smirks and peels himself from the couch. He grabs the remote and tosses it towards Mike and then disappears momentarily only to return with a blanket in hand. He sits back down on the couch and drapes it over the both of them. 

Harvey scrolls through movie options for a while, eventually landing on Goodfellas. "Do you approve?"

"Fully," Mike replies. 

Harvey clicks play and proceeds to stretch his arm along the back of the couch which Mike takes as an invitation to move closer to Harvey and snuggle his own body up against his. That wasn't Harvey's motive in doing it, but he's glad that Mike thought that it was. 

\-----

Mike opens his eyes and looks around to take in his surroundings, trying to remember where he is. He sits up and wipes his eyes with his palms before looking at his watch. The last thing he remembers is watching a movie with Harvey and now it's...fuck, it's 3 in the morning.

He uses his elbows to prop himself up into a sitting position. 

"You didn't even make it halfway through."

The voice makes Mike jump. He twists his body to see Harvey standing on the opposite side of the couch, a glass of something or other in his hand, a far too familiar sight.

"You shouldn't have let me sleep," Mike scolds, tossing the blanket off of him and swinging his legs off the side of the couch.

"I figured you wouldn't be passing out if you didn't need the sleep."

"I told you I had work I need to get done."

"I did it for you."

"What?"

"The Evans thing? I figured I'd do it for you. It's out on the counter if you want to check my work and make sure it's up to your standards," he says, adding "and just to be clear, I didn't start drinking until after I had finished it if you're worried about that."

"I trust your work, Harvey. I'm just...thank you."

"Why don't you go lay in the bed? You'll sleep better in there."

"Will you come with me?"

"No, that's not a good idea right now," Harvey says as he finishes off the remaining liquid in his glass and disappears from Mike's view. 

-

Mike does eventually manage to make the move from couch to bed, but he struggles to fall back asleep, officially throwing in the towel when the first ray of sunlight shines through the window. He drags himself from the bed and into the shower, and because he has the time he takes a long one. Let's hot water melt away everything for a little bit. 

Once he's finished, he gets dressed and then goes to check on Harvey. He's happy to at least see that he made it to a bed this time, but his heart sinks a little seeing all the blankets torn from the bed and lying in a heap on the floor at the foot of the bed. Harvey is stripped down to a t-shirt and his boxers and is sleeping on a towel. He's folded one of the corners of it in towards him as an attempt to use it as covers.

Mike goes back out into the living room and gets him an actual blanket to use. He can see the sweat stains around the neck of his shirt that still hasn't dried completely. He must have had a _really_ bad nightmare. Mike feels a pang of guilt knowing that he was most likely awake but didn't hear anything to alert him of it. Not that _knowing_ Harvey is having a nightmare is any way conducive to being able to _stop_ Harvey from having a nightmare. Still, he could have at least been there for him.

Mike sees the empty glass and near-empty bottle of liquor on the nightstand. He sighs and gathers it up in one hand, fingers stretched into the glass as he carries it out and drops the glass off into the sink, and then places the bottle on the kitchen counter.

He starts a pot of coffee and walks over to collect the brief Harvey had left for him there while it brews. 

Mike looks it over for several minutes and then several minutes more, just to be sure, and everything looks perfect. He couldn't have done it better himself. The same, but not better. He wonders if this was something akin to Harvey testing the waters, wanting to dip his toe back into work without actually having to show up or really push himself too hard. Or maybe he's still trying to make up for tying him up in the basement. Or maybe it means nothing at all and Mike is trying to find deeper meaning where there isn't any to be found. That's probably it.

He takes the papers and tucks them back into his messenger bag, before returning to wait for his coffee to finish brewing. 

-

Mike buries himself in work when he gets to the office, and only comes up for air around mid-afternoon. It's uninterrupted. No phone calls. No Louis barging in. Just the stack of files in front of him and determination to get shit done.

He decides to break for lunch. Take a walk, stretch, re-focus. He decides to give Harvey a call and see how he's doing. When Mike asks, Harvey says he's fine (always fine). And he thanks him for saving him some coffee, but otherwise, he doesn't seem in the mood to talk. But he tells Mike he misses him and loves him and if those were the only things Harvey had wanted to say to him he'd be okay with it. 

Keeping his promise to Sean, he sends him a text. One in which he doesn't ask for anything.

_hey, just wanted to see how you're doing? still can't believe harvey agreed to dinner..._

A few minutes later he gets one back.

_I'm doing good. You? And yeah...I was surprised too. Did you ask him about therapy?_

Mike groans out loud when he reads the text. 

_no, he was in a good mood didn't want to ruin it by accusing him of shit i'm not 100% on_

_What about your therapy? Got an appointment yet?_ Sean texts back. 

_no, not yet. i gotta get back to work. ttyl._

_Ok._

Mike puts his phone away and heads back into the office. He's more in a rush to have Sean stop talking to him about therapy, both his and Harvey's, then he is to actually get back to work.

However, once he's situated back behind his desk, he does consider it. He even pulls up the number on his phone and allows his finger to hover over it for several seconds before shaking the thought off, tossing his phone aside, and turning his attention back to the work stacked on his desk. He's just not ready to commit to something like that. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. 

\-----

Mike only goes so far as to ask Harvey when his next therapy appointment is. Harvey tells him and Mike now knows how many days he can go without bringing it up again. 

-

They find some sort of routine over the next few days. Mike has nearly been able to integrate himself back to working full days, which is hard because he worries about Harvey being home alone left to his own devices while he's there, but Harvey assures him that it's okay, and it's good for Mike to be back at work and have the normalcy that it brings. Mike can't argue with that. 

They still haven't shared the same bed since the night they had sex, despite Mike's best efforts to get him to. He misses sleeping with him, misses the way they would always end up twined together, limb over limb. 

Harvey sleeps in the guest room, which he also locks the door to when he's in there. Mike hates it. He's asked him not to, but Harvey still does it, and won't say why either. So Mike now keeps an old credit card in the top drawer of his nightstand just in case he ever needs to pop it open in a hurry. Harvey doesn't know about it. 

-

It's the day of Harvey's second therapy session, and Mike gets up early and cooks breakfast. He makes Harvey scrambled eggs and a piece of toast. Harvey apologizes for not being hungry as he pushes eggs around the plate with his fork. 

"It's fine. More coffee?" he asks, lifting the pot.

"Yeah, sure. Top me off," he says, sliding his mug across the counter to Mike. 

Mike fills it back up and carefully slides it back towards him. 

"Thank you."

"No problem," Mike says. He hesitates and wonders if it's even worth bringing it up at this point, but Sean kind of got in his head that day and he has thought about it from time to time so he decides to ask, just to see how Harvey responds. "Hey, do you want me to give you a ride to therapy today?"

"Nah. I'm good. You have to get to work. It'd be out of your way."

"It'd be no trouble, I could just go in late."

"I said it's fine. I don't need a babysitter."

"Okay. Sorry. I was just trying to be helpful."

"I know. I appreciate it, it's just better if I do this by myself."

Sean would say his reaction is suspicious, turn it into something that it's not, but Mike doesn't think there's anything suspicious about it. Harvey wants to do something on his own, that's not exactly a cause for concern, nor does it mean Harvey is lying about going to therapy.

"Will you text me when you're done and back home so I know you got back safely?"

"Of course."

-

It's getting late in the afternoon and Mike still hasn't heard from Harvey. He hopes therapy went better for him this time. As he's sitting there thinking about just calling him, his phone vibrates against the desk it's laying on. Mike snatches it up quickly and opens the message.

_Arrived home safely. Wasn't abducted...again._

Mike's glad Harvey can, but it's hard for him to ever find any humor when it comes to that.

_that's good news. did everything go ok?_

It's a while before Harvey responds again. But he does.

_Still hate it, but no panic attack. I miss you._

No panic attack is good news, Mike thinks. 

_just gotta stick with it, harvey. i'm so proud of you <3 _Mike backspaces on the heart a few times, before ultimately deciding to include it.

Mike puts his phone back down on the desk and dives back into work, feeling relieved that Harvey's home and okay. 

-

Harvey is at the door to greet Mike when he gets back home. He's barely three steps inside when Harvey is kissing him. It's urgent and messy and Harvey's mouth tastes like vodka.

"Woah, what's this all about?" Mike asks confused, putting a hand on Harvey's chest and creating space between them. 

"I just missed you is all," Harvey says, pushing Mike's hand down and eliminating the space he had just created. He leans in and nips at Mike's neck, draws a moan from him, and feels accomplished.

"Harvey," Mike says, the name floating out of his mouth with nothing to follow it.

Harvey responds by spinning Mike and pushing his back up against the wall and placing his arms on either side of him, trapping him there between them. He quickly reunites his mouth and Mike's and kisses him again. It's desperate. Ruinous. 

They eventually break apart for air, both breathing heavily, chests rising and falling nearly in sync. 

"No more," Mike says despite himself. 

"Why not?" Harvey asks.

"I think," Mike says, pausing to draw in another breath. "I think you might have had too much to drink."

"You think I only want to kiss you because I've had a few drinks? Because I can promise you, that's not it," Harvey says, before pressing another hasty kiss to Mike's mouth.

"Then explain it to me. Inside." Mike says, his breath ragged.

Harvey sighs before resigning and dropping his arms back down to his side, allowing Mike the freedom to move away from the wall. "Fine."

Mike walks down the hallway and into the kitchen and Harvey follows closely behind. 

"I see you went shopping," Mike points out immediately noticing the new liquor bottles lined up against the back wall of the counter. 

"You drink too, Mike. You might care more about hiding it than I do, but I know you do."

"I never said I didn't..."

There's a _but_ that hangs somewhere in the air, but Mike chooses to leave it unsaid.

"So what has you so handsy all of a sudden?" Mike asks.

"You don't like it?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I do like it. I want it. But--"

Turns out Mike didn't leave the but unsaid, he just attached it to something different.

"But what?"

"I'm a little concerned because you haven't so much as wanted to sleep in the same bed as me since the last time we had sex, which incidentally was after you went to therapy and now you go to therapy again and I come home and you're all over me. I'm concerned those things are connected."

"You think going to _therapy_ makes me want to _fuck_ you? Jesus, Mike. Good thing you decided to be a fake lawyer and not a fake therapist. They have _nothing_ to do with each other."

"So why don't you want to sleep in the same bed as me anymore?"

Harvey's demeanor instantly shifts. There's an air of defeat, his shoulders slouch as if there's some invisible weight pushing down on them. "You know how I told you I see Luke sometimes? Well, I saw him there. In the room, laying in the bed. He was dead. And...ever since that night my nightmares have gotten worse. Maybe worse than they've ever been. I just don't want you to have to deal with me while I'm dealing with any of that."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Something tells me you will."

"How many bad nightmares have you had while in bed with me?"

He sees where Mike is going with this and its a fair point, his nightmares are never as bad when he's with him, as when he's without, but in the end, it doesn't hold much weight. "You don't understand, these are different."

"How are they different?"

"I--I don't know, they just are. Can we please just stop talking about this? I'm tired of thinking about this shit and I'm even more tired of talking about it," he says, his voice laden with exasperation.

"Sure, we can stop. But promise me something, Harvey? Just promise you won't shut me out. Not entirely. If sleeping in the other room with a locked door somehow makes you truly feel better, then fine, knock yourself out. But don't avoid sleeping with me or make things worse for yourself just because you're afraid I might witness you have a nightmare. I have always felt safer when you're in the room with me, and I'd like to think that feeling of safety works both ways."

"Yeah," Harvey nods his head in agreement. "It does."

"Okay. Good. Now," Mike pauses momentarily, "do you want to hug it out? I feel like we should probably hug."

"Please don't say things like that."

"Come on, you know you want it," Mike says walking over with arms wide open to where Harvey is sitting and proceeding to wrap his arms around him. He gives him a tight squeeze and a few pats on the back before releasing.

"Are you hungry? Do want to order pizza? Chinese?" Mike asks.

"Pizza sounds good. Also, I have a surprise for you."

"Ooh, a surprise? What would that be?"

"Order the pizza first, and then I'll show you."

"Aye aye, Captain."

Mike pulls out his phone and finds the number for one of their favorite pizza places. He goes to ask Harvey what he wants, only to find that he's already left the room. Instead of bothering to ask him, he decides to use his discretion. It typically doesn't steer him wrong when it comes to deciding things that Harvey will like. 

-

Harvey reappears shortly after Mike gets off the phone, he has his arms folded behind his back and a coy smile on his face. 

"Where'd you disappear to? You made me sole decision-maker on what toppings we should get, you know I'm not good under that kind of pressure."

"As long as you didn't order pineapple, you're in the clear."

"Come on, pineapple isn't _that_ bad on pizza."

"I would be back at the office tomorrow morning if I thought there was a way to prosecute people who put pineapple on pizza."

"You hate it that much?"

"And then some. Now, do you want your surprise or not?"

"Of course I want my surprise!"

"So close your eyes."

Mike closes his eyes before quickly opening them again. "Wait...if it's a puppy you can't surprise me with it. I need to be emotionally prepared for something like that."

"It's not a puppy, now close your damn eyes."

Mike closes his eyes again, this time keeping them closed. Harvey moves towards him and Mike feels Harvey grab his hand and lift it. Harvey puts something in it, but Mike doesn't have the slightest clue what it could be. 

"All right, now you can open them."

Mike opens his eyes and looks down at his hand, slightly confused. "You got me...weed?"

"I got _us_ weed," Harvey corrects. "I visited the coffee cart guy for old time's sake. Thought maybe we could smoke a little together. Might help us both take the edge off."

Mike makes a face, but Harvey isn't sure what to make of it.

"If you don't want to, that's fine. Not trying to peer pressure you into participating in criminal activity or anything like that."

Mike rolls his eyes. "Oh, shut up."

"So are you game?"

"Yeah, I'm in."

-

Mike lights the joint for him, giving Harvey dibs on the first hit. He inhales expertly, before slowly pushing the smoke out. He holds it out for Mike, who wastes no time taking it from him and taking a drag of his own.

The strength of it catches him by surprise, and he starts to cough, much to the amusement of Harvey. "Rookie," he teases.

"Hey now, it's been a while," Mike says in his own defense as the coughing dies down. 

Harvey holds out his hand and Mike takes the cue to pass it back to him. "Let me help. Come closer," Harvey says before putting the joint between his lips and taking a long, steady pull on the end. Harvey reaches up and places a gentle hand on the back of Mike's neck and guides his mouth to his own. Mike opens his mouth and the smooth flood of smoke pours from Harvey's mouth into his. Mike's tongue flickers into it exploratorily and he catches Harvey's lip just before Harvey withdraws with a smile. 

Mike holds it in his mouth as long as he can, savoring it, before slowly letting it all out. "Wow," is all he can manage to say after. 

"Again?" Harvey asks.

"Please. But let's switch it up."

"You're versatile. I like that."

Mike pulls himself up from the semi-awkward position he's currently sitting and re-positions himself, putting one knee on either side of Harvey's legs so that he's now straddling him and they're face to face. He places a hand on both sides of Harvey's face, fingers softly cupping the curve of his jawline as he presses his lips against Harvey's, kissing him harder, deeper, and more desperately. Harvey closes his eyes and moans in contentment, throws his head back, and revels in it. 

Mike pries the joint from Harvey's fingers and brings it back up to his lips, taking another long drag and holding it in his mouth until he can practically feel Harvey vibrate with impatience under him. Mike leans down towards Harvey and cradles his neck with his free hand as their mouths collide together again. Harvey pulls deep, his fist scrambling for whatever fabric of Mike's dress shirt he could get a grip on in order to hold them both steady. 

They pull apart, a soft sound escaping Mike's lips while Harvey seals his mouth shut and forces the smoke steady in his lungs. 

"We should really consider doing drugs together more often," Mike comments, which in turn makes Harvey laugh, unexpectedly, the smoke pouring out of him around the sound.

Harvey's laugh makes Mike smile and he presses a kiss to his forehead. "I love you," he says while gazing directly into warm brown eyes. 

They repeat the process a few more times, inhale, hold, kiss, breathe, and somewhere along the line they get stuck on the step of kissing and the joint outens itself and Mike climbs off of Harvey and settles in right next to him. 

"Either this shit is super strong, or I really _am_ a rookie, because I don't know about you, but it's hitting me hard right now."

"Hmmm," Harvey hums. "I think it's both."

-

There's a knock at the door shortly after that Harvey decides he's the better candidate to go answer it as Mike has started to get a case of the giggles. 

He brings the pizza in and puts it down on the coffee table. 

"I'll go grab some plates. Do you want anything to drink?" Harvey calls from the kitchen.

"A slushie. A blue slushie," Mike yells back.

Harvey rolls his eyes and just fills two glasses with water, grabs a handful of napkins, and rejoins Mike who has opened the pizza box and is staring at it wide-eyed. 

"Sorry, the slushie machine was broken," Harvey says as he places the glass of water down in front of him.

"The pizza machine, however, was _not_ broken. God, I'm hungry," he says.

Harvey hands him a plate and Mike slaps a piece of pizza on it, and then he assists Harvey in getting his.

-

They sit and they eat pizza, and then smoke a little more and go back to the pizza, and as the night progresses everything starts to become hilarious and they both find themselves laughing at absolutely nothing until there are tears in their eyes and their jaws grow sore from it. It's been so long since it's been just like this and it doesn't even matter if it's only because they're both stoned out of their minds because god it all just feels so fucking _good_.

They eventually pick a movie, after Mike forgets and then remembers how to work a remote with a little guidance from Harvey. The movie they pick isn't a comedy, but they still find themselves laughing most of the way through it.

The laughs eventually start to dwindle and are replaced by yawns. No matter how many of them they stifle, neither dare suggests going to bed. They're content right where they are.

Mike passes out first, his head buried in Harvey's shoulder that started to go numb nearly an hour ago. Harvey fights hard to stay awake, wanting to drink every last drop of the night, he wants to allow himself to be intoxicated by something different, something good for a change. He knows it won't be like this tomorrow. It won't even be like this as soon as he closes his eyes. Tonight was an anomaly.


	46. Chapter 46

"How long have you been out here?" Mike asks, glass door sliding shut behind him. 

"A while."

Mike walks over and sits down in the chair next to him, looks out at the orange and yellows the sunrise is painting across the sky. "It's pretty," Mike says, not particularly to anybody.

"It is," Harvey responds anyway. He brings a cigarette up to his mouth and takes a puff from it.

Mike does a double-take when he sees it. "Since when do you smoke?" 

"I don't. I bought a pack at the store the other day. I think I was just looking for a different vice."

"Will this vice be sticking around?"

"No. This is my first and last," he says, taking one more drag from it before tossing it on the ground and putting it out with his foot. "Did you sleep okay? I saw you moved to the bedroom."

"You were gone when I woke up, and I waited a while and you didn't come back so I took the hint and just went to the room."

"I wasn't giving you any hints. My arm just went numb sitting there all that time."

"Because you're old?"

"No, because some little shit likes to use me as his pillow."

"Ah, I see. You should introduce me to him sometime."

"I'll add it to my to-do list. Right behind all my other exciting plans like therapy and dinner with Sean Cahill." 

"I thought maybe that's why you were up early, because you were excited about dinner with Sean tonight."

Harvey turns and looks at Mike, and rolls his eyes before looking away again.

"Harvey, if you don't want to go, you really don't have to."

"No, it's fine. You already told him we'd come. I will say however, I do feel like he has an agenda in asking this."

"He doesn't have an agenda. He's just trying to do something nice."

Harvey doesn't say anything, decides to keep his thoughts to himself on this one. 

There's a brief silence between them, as they just listen to the sounds of the city below slowing starting to come to life. 

"Hey, Harvey?" Mike asks, his voice soft, almost cautious. 

Harvey looks over at him. "Yeah?"

"Could you maybe try not to drink so much today? I don't want to go to Sean's with you drunk."

It shouldn't because it's an entirely reasonable request but the implication of the question still stings more than Harvey would like to admit. It sounds to him a lot like _Could you maybe try not to drink so much today because I don't want you to embarrass me in front of him_?

He instantly feels the overwhelming urge to flip the question around, make it into something it isn't, make Mike feel bad for asking it in the first place, something like _Why are you so goddamn worried about impressing Sean Cahill anyway_ crosses his mind, but he suppresses it, knowing it's both unwarranted and unfair. 

"Yeah, sure, I'll try," he replies with.

"Thank you."

\-----

Mike spends most of the day in court, it's been a while, and it's not for anything monumental, but it feels good to dip his toes back into it instead of being stuck behind a desk or in conference rooms all day long.

Once he gets a small break he goes back into his office and gives Sean a call.

It rings a few times, and Mike is readying himself to leave a voicemail when Sean finally picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No, I'm actually at the grocery store right now. You're not calling to cancel, are you?"

"No. We're still coming. It's not that."

"So what it is? Is everything all right?"

"Everything is fine. I just wanted to tell you that you can't let Harvey know that you know about the whole thing with me in the basement. So if your whole reason for this dinner is to call him out about that, just tell me now--"

"Mike."

"because I don't want this to turn into some huge fight or anything like that I just-"

"Mike," Sean says again, this time louder.

It's enough to stop his rambling. "What?"

"I'm not going to say anything about that. I didn't invite you over to fight with Harvey. I just thought we could all talk and have a nice dinner together. Nothing more," Sean explains.

"Okay. Do you promise?"

"Scout's honor."

Sean hears Mike audibly sigh over the phone and he doesn't feel like he's entirely convinced him that he doesn't have some ulterior motive for this dinner. He doesn't, not exactly. He just wants to see how Harvey is, observe his interactions with him, and with Mike and try to get a gauge on exactly how Harvey is based on what he can witness for himself versus the things that Mike tells him. 

"All right," Mike says, sounding convinced enough to leave it at that. "Do you need us to bring anything?"

"No, I've got it all covered."

"Okay. I guess we'll see you at 8."

"Looking forward to it."

\-----

Harvey's not waiting at the door when he comes home. He doesn't see him in the kitchen or the living room either. There are not any empty glasses sitting around either. 

Mike takes his bag off his shoulder and tosses it down with a thud before wandering the house to find Harvey. He sees the guest room door shut. He walks up and twists the knob, but it's locked. 

"Hey Harvey?" he calls, face nearly pressed up against the door.

He knocks this time. "Harvey? Are you in there?"

"I'll be out in a little," he says back from inside. 

Mike walks back out into the kitchen and putters around a bit, getting himself a glass of water and grabbing an apple from the fridge before sitting down at the kitchen counter to browse through the newspaper while he waits for Harvey. 

-

Harvey walks up behind him and wraps his arms around him, places his chin on Mike's shoulder, and kisses his cheek. Mike takes immediate note that he doesn't smell like alcohol, instead, he smells like an aftershave he hasn't worn in ages but Mike always loved. It's woodsy and clean. 

"Mmm, you shaved," Mike says as Harvey pulls away and walks around the counter so that they are directly across from each other.

"Your observation skills are second to none."

"You look good."

"Thanks. So do you."

Mike huffs a laugh and runs a hand through his hair sheepishly. Suddenly he feels very self-conscious. "I'm sure. I think I'm going to jump in the shower, get the smell of work off of me."

"Is _that_ what that smell was?"

"Yeah...," Mike trails off, "do you, uh, wanna join me?"

Harvey considers it for a moment. "Tempting. I'll have to take a rain check on that."

"Okay. I'll be out in a few." 

Yesterday he had thought there was something to be said about how when Harvey goes to therapy and comes home afterward he wants to do nothing but put his hands all over him, but now he's reconsidering and thinking maybe it has nothing to do with therapy after all and everything to do with how much alcohol Harvey consumes. 

Now that he thinks about it, it seems that more often than not, Harvey only wants him in _that_ way when he's plied himself with several drinks. He tries not to let his mind draw connections like that because there's nothing to substantiate them, they're typically all conjured up courtesy of his active imagination and insecurities. 

-

Mike finishes with his shower and gets dressed. He first has on jeans and a t-shirt, what Sean is typically used to seeing him in, but he quickly turns and ducks back into the bedroom when he catches a glimpse of Harvey sitting on the sofa in his dress shirt and black slacks, sleeves pushed up to the elbows.

He digs through the closet to find something nicer and changes into that before going back out.

"Look at you," Harvey says, corners of his mouth turning upwards. "I was going to ask if you thought I was too dressed up, but it seems you had the same idea. You look handsome."

"What'd you think I'd wear? Jeans and a t-shirt? That would be a rookie move," Mike says, starting to push up his sleeves to match Harvey's since it's a little warm in the house.

"What are you doing?" Harvey asks.

"What do you mean?"

"You have to leave your sleeves down. You can still see the bruises."

"Oh. Right," Mike replies. Somehow it had completely slipped his mind.

"You didn't tell him what happened, right?"

"No, of course not."

"You know you can't, Mike. He won't understand."

"He doesn't know, Harvey." 

"Good. Keep it that way."

Mike pushes his sleeves back down and Harvey reaches out and grabs his shirt, making quick work of the buttons. "There you go," he says.

"Thanks."

There's a slight awkwardness after that but it dissipates quickly and Mike figures maybe it wasn't awkwardness at all, but rather him simply feeling guilty about lying to Harvey. He rationalizes it by saying that the lie doesn't have the potential to be as dangerous as the truth in this scenario. And as long as Sean keeps his mouth shut, it won't matter that he lied. 

They make their way to the couch and sit down together. Harvey throws on Sportscenter as a way to kill time before they have to be on their way.

\-----

Mike gets out of the car first, and Harvey slides over and gets out of the same side and joins him on the sidewalk. 

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Mike asks.

"It would be kind of dumb to be standing outside of his place if I wasn't."

"I know. It's just that you were really quiet on the ride over, I want to make sure."

"Let's just go."

They head up to his apartment and Mike knocks on the door. A few short moments later the door is swinging open. 

"Hey," Sean greets. "Wow, you guys dressed up. You didn't have to do that. I clearly didn't," Sean says, pointing to his plain black t-shirt and pair of jeans. "Come in. Make yourself at home."

Mike goes in first and Harvey follows closely behind, silently judging Sean's decor along the way. It's not the worst. 

"Can I get you anything? Water? Seltzer? Juice?"

"I'll take water. Harvey?" Mike says looking over at him.

"Do you have beer?"

Sean looks at Mike first, as if he's looking for permission, which he doesn't exactly get a yes or a no on, so then he directs his attention to Harvey. "Yeah, I can get you a beer."

"Harvey," Mike says under his breath when Sean disappears from their view to get their drinks.

"It's one beer, Mike. I'll switch to water after, okay?"

"Okay."

Sean walks back into the frame, a drink in each hand, and hands them to both Mike and Harvey. "There you are."

"Thanks," they both say in unison. 

"Yeah, no problem. You guys can grab a seat at the table if you'd like. I should be in with food shortly."

They both sit down. Harvey had planned on nursing his beer slowly, but it goes down so smoothly that he's nearly done by the time Sean comes back in the room juggling plates in his hands.

Mike hops up out of his chair right away to offer an assist to him. "I got it," he says, lessening Sean's load by grabbing a plate from him and setting it down on the table.

"Thanks, Mike."

"Yeah, no problem. This looks great, edible even," Mike jokes.

"I've been watching a lot of cooking shows lately," Sean confesses.

"Looks like they might be paying off," Mike comments as he places a plate in front of Harvey, and Sean places Mike's in front of him and then his own. 

"Does anybody need steak sauce or anything like that?" Sean asks. "Harvey?"

"No. I'm good."

"Mike?"

"No thank you. Harvey and I are kind of purists when it comes to steak."

"I can respect that."

They all pick up their forks and start to eat. The conversation flows naturally and with ease between Sean and Mike and Harvey tries hard to swallow down the jealousy he can feel rising to the surface.

Both Sean and Mike continue multiple times to try to involve Harvey in their conversations but his responses continually consist of very few words. 

Harvey sits and listens to them talk for about as long as he can stand before he has to interrupt just to make it stop.

"Would I be able to get another beer?" he asks.

"Sure. I'll go grab one for you," Sean says, as he puts his fork down and starts to slide his chair back from the table.

"Actually, I can get it myself, if you just go ahead and point me in the right direction."

"Uh, sure, just head that way and hang a left."

"Thanks," Harvey responds, as he gets up from his seat and follows Sean's directions into the kitchen. 

Harvey finds the fridge and opens it, grabbing out a beer and twisting the cap off while still standing in the light of the fridge. He surveys what else Sean has in his fridge. Mostly vegetables and fruits. Annoying.

He also opens a few of his cupboards and peaks inside them, just out of sheer curiosity before rejoining them at the table. 

"Did you find it all right?" Sean asks as Harvey heads back to his seat at the table.

"Yes, Sean. I followed the very complex directions you gave me to find my way to your fridge."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"These mashed potatoes are really good, Sean," Mike interrupts in an attempt to steer the conversation away from whatever it was starting to turn into.

"Thanks, glad you like them. I was just happy to have had a reason to use the mixer somebody bought me several Christmases ago."

"How long have you lived here, Sean?" Harvey asks. 

"Um, probably a little over 5 years at this point."

"Do you like it?"

"Well enough. It's close to work and the view isn't bad. I can't complain."

"Mike and I are thinking about moving."

Sean raises an eyebrow. "Is that so? Where to?"

"Don't know yet, but someplace far away from here. There's really not anything or anybody, for that matter worth sticking around here for."

"Ah, I see. Did you decide this recently? Mike never mentioned anything to me about it."

"Last I checked he wasn't required to run every detail of his life by you."

"Come on, Harvey. That's not what I was saying at all and you know it."

"Nothing is decided, it's just an idea we had really," Mike chimes in, another obvious attempt to deescalate the situation. 

Knowing what he knows, all Sean can see it as is Harvey trying to isolate Mike and it doesn't sit right with him at all.

"It's probably better if you stick around until things have settled a bit more anyway."

"What things need to settle, Sean?"

Sean sighs. "You know what, just forget it. You're starting to twist everything I say into something that it's not."

"No, I want to know what you meant by that. What things need to settle?"

"I just meant that Mike is getting back into being at work and you're going to therapy and--"

Harvey turns to Mike. "Jesus Christ, Mike. You told him I'm in therapy?"

"Harvey, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it's admirable that you're going."

Harvey laughs sardonically. "Great. Just what I fucking wanted, admiration from Sean Cahill."

"Harvey. Sean. Please stop fighting."

"You know what? I'll stop because I'm done with this. I thought I could do this for you, Mike, but I can't pretend to stand this asshole for a second longer."

"How am _I_ an asshole?" Sean snaps, "I've never done anything but help you, you ungrateful fuck. I'm the one that rescued Mike, _I'm_ the one that convinced him to talk to a detective in order to save _your_ ass from that psychopath."

Harvey takes a second to process the information. Mike never told him that it was _Sean_ that convinced him to go to the police. That makes so much more sense. 

"Mike didn't need rescuing, Luke wasn't going to hurt him."

"Really? Because when I showed up he was bleeding with his head cracked open, and he was tied to a fucking bed, Harvey."

"Sean, just stop." Mike stands up the second Sean does, feeling like he needs to physically put himself between them because he doesn't know what is going to happen.

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"No, the problem is I _do_ know what I'm talking about. I'm the only one of us that seems to have ever had any common sense when it comes to any of this shit."

"I don't have to listen to this, I'm leaving. Let's go, Mike."

Mike looks at Sean apologetically before starting to turn to walk towards Harvey. 

" _Now_ , Mike," Harvey demands, reaching out and grabbing Mike's arm and yanking him closer and a little too rough for Sean's liking.

"Don't put your hands on him like that," Sean shouts.

"I'll put my hands on him however I like. He's _mine_ , Sean. Not yours."

"Do you even hear yourself? He's a person, not a possession."

"He's whatever the fuck I want him to be," Harvey says before pausing momentarily and adding "and that's what this is really about, isn't it? You're pissed that you can go to the ends of the Earth for Mike and he still won't give you the time of day."

"Harvey, let's just go home. Coming here was a mistake. _Please_ ," Mike pleads, fearing things are spiraling too quickly.

"Not yet, Mike," Harvey says, never taking his attention away from Sean. "I want you to admit it. I want you to admit that you have feelings for Mike. Or you know what, go ahead and deny it if it's not true. Tell him you don't care about him."

Sean swallows hard, the lump in his throat growing rapidly. He wants to deny that he has feelings for Mike in _that_ way, but no matter how many times he tries to conjure them, the words refuse to come out of his mouth. 

"That's what I thought. Don't you _ever_ pretend that you did shit for me when you only helped because you had feelings for him and thought if you were nice enough you'd get a chance to fuck him."

"That's not at all why I helped." Sean denies, immediately locking eyes with Mike "I promise you, Mike, I never had an ulterior motive to helping you or Harvey."

"You're so full of shit. But you know what? It doesn't even matter. Why don't you go ahead and say goodbye to Mike because this is the last time you'll ever fucking see him."

"What's that supposed to mean? You can't keep him away from me. He's an adult, he can make his own decisions."

"Watch me."

"Why? What are you planning on doing, Harvey? Tying him up in a basement again?"

" _Sean_ ," Mike says his name like it's the embodiment of betrayal itself.

Harvey turns and looks at Mike with the same amount of betrayal on his face that had just been in Mike's voice. "You told him? How could you do that to me?"

"I didn't mean to. I swear. I messed up and he happened to see the bruises and I--"

"Stop. Just shut-up. I don't want your goddamn excuses, Mike."

Sean cuts in before Harvey has a chance to berate Mike any farther. "You really are a piece of work, you know that, Harvey? You traumatize the fucking kid and then blame him for it. Unbelievable."

"Don't call him kid," Harvey warns.

"Or what? What are you going to do about it? You need to go get help, Harvey. Are you even really going to a therapist or is that another lie you tell Mike to make him believe you actually want to get better?"

"You really don't know anything."

"I think I do. I think Luke ruined you completely and you won't be happy until you've ruined Mike too."

It all happens so fast after that. Mike is pushed off to the side, trips and falls to the ground and watches as Harvey tackles Sean to the floor and starts punching him repeatedly. Sean puts his arms up, attempting to block as much of it as he can, but Harvey is still landing far too many of them.

Mike gets up off of the ground and rushes over to attempt to pull Harvey off of Sean and catches an elbow to the face for his efforts. Harvey instinctively turns to check on Mike and it allows Sean enough time to be able to push himself up off the ground and knock Harvey off balance.

Sean throws and lands a few punches of his own before Harvey somehow catches his fist mid-swing and uses it to twist his arm back until something pops. Sean immediately hops to his feet, hunched over he grasps at his arm, allowing Harvey to scramble back to his feet just as quickly where he proceeds to lift a knee that connects with Sean's jaw hard enough to send him reeling backward and back down to the floor once again.

All the while Harvey can hear Mike yelling for him to stop, but his pleas are drowned out by the rushing sound of his own blood pumping through his body.

Harvey climbs back on top of him and punches until Sean mostly stops moving beneath him. There's a lot of blood and Harvey isn't sure which is his and which is Sean's. Nor does he care.

"I never should have saved you. I should have let him have you," Harvey hisses between clenched teeth. He climbs up off of Sean and gets back up onto his feet, staggering backward until he finds his balance.

"Harvey, are you--" Mike starts to ask, but Harvey shoves past him not allowing him to finish his sentence. Mike goes over and kneels next to Sean. "Are you okay?" he asks. It's a stupid question, Sean is very clearly _not_ okay.

"Leave him, Mike. Let's get out of here," Harvey says from across the room.

"Sean. I'm so sorry."

"Mike...don't," is all Sean can manage to say, and Mike's not sure what the _don't_ is in reference to. Don't apologize. Don't go with Harvey. Don't ever talk to me again. All of the above.

" _Now_ , Mike."

Mike looks at Sean with tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he repeats. "I have to go."


	47. Chapter 47

The guilt of leaving Sean the way he had is overwhelming, but even standing within close proximity of Harvey as they wait for the cab Mike can still feel the anger radiating off of him and he can't help but think that it's probably the right choice given the circumstances and despite however wrong it feels.

Harvey doesn't say anything to him other than a quick "get in" when the cab arrives. Mike keeps quiet and hopes the ride home will give Harvey the time he needs to be able to calm himself down. 

-

Once they're back inside Harvey's apartment, the tension between them becomes more apparent than ever. It's thick and heavy. Nearly suffocating. 

"I don't want you talking to him anymore. I don't want you texting him, or calling him and if he shows up at the office, I want you to ignore him. Do you understand me?"

"Harvey--"

"I'm serious, Mike. As of tonight, you and Sean are done."

"You can't ask me to just cut him out of my life."

Harvey takes a step towards Mike. "Let me make one thing clear, I'm not asking you, I'm _telling_ you," he says, voice low and threatening.

Mike instinctively takes a step backward, recreating the space that had just been stolen from him. "And I'm telling you that I'm _not_ doing it. In fact, you're lucky he's not calling the cops on you for what you did to him tonight."

Harvey laughs, but there's no trace of humor in it. "There's still time. Maybe he'll call you up and convince you to do it for him. The same way he did with Luke, after I begged you not to, which, by the way, is another detail you failed to mention to me."

"I didn't think it mattered."

"It does. _All_ of it fucking matters!"

"I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I didn't know what I know now."

"Is that why you told him about the basement? And then lied to my face about it? Was that all part of 'doing the right thing' too?"

Mike sighs, already feeling defeated, like everything he says is going to be the wrong thing. "I didn't mean to tell him about it. It was the way I moved my arm and he saw the marks and--"

"And what? You couldn't just lie to him? You apparently lie all the goddamn to me without so much as batting an eye, so what makes it so hard to do the same thing to him?"

Mike undoes the step he had taken back from Harvey. "And _you_ never lie to _me_? Why is it only wrong when I do it?"

"I only lie when I need to. When it's to protect you."

"You're so full of shit. How does lying about things like going to therapy protect me?"

Mike immediately regrets using that as an example when he sees the hurt that flashes across Harvey's face upon hearing the accusation. 

"I didn't lie about going to therapy!" Harvey denies, his voice strained and shaky. "I'm sorry that they haven't been able to fix me to your liking in just two fucking sessions." 

"Sorry," Mike says, but it sounds weak at best, even though he means it. "The point I'm trying to make is, you've lied to me plenty of times. You lie about where you're going when you disappear for hours at a time. You lie about how you feel. You lie about things all the time. And it isn't just to protect me. That's a bullshit excuse and you know it. You're a hypocrite."

"What did you just call me?"

"You heard me. And you know what? I'm _not_ staying away from Sean. He's my friend, and I'm not giving up one of the only friends I have any more just because my friendship with him makes you feel insecure."

Mike moves to walk past Harvey, but Harvey sidesteps and blocks him from going any farther. "Get out of my way, Harvey. I'm done with this conversation," he says.

"You're done when I say you're done."

"Harvey, get the hell out of my way. I'm not doing this with you."

"He admitted he has feelings for you. Do you have feelings for him? Is it, I mean what is it, is it because I fucked Luke so now you want to fuck him so that we'll finally be even?" Harvey's voice isn't accusatory the way it normally is when he talks about Sean. Not at all, in fact, it's the opposite, it seems like he is genuinely searching for answers.

"Rape," is the only thing Mike replies with.

Harvey recoils at the word. "What?"

"You _never_ had sex with Luke, he fucking _raped_ you."

"Go to hell, Mike. I told you before about using that goddamn word with me."

"And why is that? Because if you admit it was rape and not something you ever wanted or even had a say in that little fantasy you built up in your head will all come crashing down? And then you might actually have to face shit and admit that he was a monster and not somebody that ever gave a shit about you the way you seem to have deluded yourself into thinking he did?"

Mike barely gets the last word out when there's a forearm pressing into his chest, sliding up underneath his throat and driving him backward until he hits the wall hard enough to knock the wind from him. 

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Ouch. Harvey," Mike responds once he catches his breath enough to speak, "you're hurting me."

"I'm _not_ hurting you," he adamantly denies, forearm pressing harder under Mike's throat. "I would _never_ hurt you. _Sean_ is the one that will hurt you. He took Luke away from me, and now he wants to take you away from me too. I know that's what he wants. How can you not see that?"

"S-stop it. Please." 

Harvey's eyes widen, there's almost a feral look in them. "You don't understand, I _can't_ lose you, Mike. I won't. You're the only good thing that I have left anymore," he says, unaware that he's started to put even more pressure onto Mike. 

"Harvey. Your arm. Move," Mike can barely choke the words out.

Harvey instantly lifts his arm so that the pressure is gone, but yet still not enough so that he's free to just move away, not without having to fight to do it.

The next thing Mike feels is Harvey's free hand sliding down his body and tugging at the waistband of his jeans. There's a brief second of confusion, where things don't click immediately and it allows Mike's mind to jump places it shouldn't ever be going, especially not with Harvey of all people, but slight clarity follows shortly when that hand finds it's way into his front pocket and pulls his phone from out of it.

Before Mike has a chance to ask what the hell he's doing with it, the phone goes flying from Harvey's hand and across the room and into the wall before crashing down to the floor below.

"There. You're done with Sean. End of discussion," Harvey says before pushing off of Mike and walking into the kitchen, promptly grabbing a glass from the cupboard and pouring himself a drink.

For a few moments after Mike feels rooted to the floor, unable to convince his feet to move, while he waits for his breathing to regulate. 

When he's finally able to move, he rushes over to find where his phone had landed and hopes it was able to survive somehow.

That hope is dashed immediately upon seeing it up close. It's in several pieces, the screen is shattered and it won't even power on. Mike gathers the pieces up and walks them into the kitchen where Harvey is standing and angrily tosses them down directly onto the counter in front of where he's standing.

Harvey doesn't say anything, just brings his glass to his mouth and pours the liquid into it, leaving only a small amber glow at the bottom. It's as if Mike isn't even standing there in the room with him.

"Asshole," Mike says to him before turning and heading for the bedroom. Once inside, he pulls the door shut behind him and locks it for good measure. 

\-----

Harvey continues to drink. He wants to drown himself in booze until he can't remember who he is or maybe until he can remember a time when he was somebody different, somebody better. He determines there's probably not enough alcohol for the latter.

He ditches the glass at some point, opting to cut out the middle man and just drink directly from the bottle. He picks it up and stumbles his way to the bedroom. He turns the knob, but it doesn't open. 

"Mike!" he yells, head resting against the door.

There's no answer.

"Mike! Open the goddamn door," he slurs. "I need to talk to you."

"Go away, Harvey," Mike shouts back. 

"Please, Mike. I'm-I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new phone."

Harvey stands at the door, waits, and waits, but Mike never says anything else. Harvey takes another swig from the bottle before knocking his fist against the door in defeat and dragging himself to the other room.

He sits down at the end of the bed with the bottle placed between his legs, his thighs holding it in place. He slowly lays himself down and closes his eyes as the room spins in the darkness.

"You're way too easy on him, you know that, right?"

The voice makes Harvey's eyes shoot back open. He quickly pushes himself back up and into a sitting position to see Luke standing, arms crossed leaning against the dresser. 

"Fuck, not now," Harvey mutters. "Go away."

Luke uncrosses his arms and paces across the floor. "Come on, don't be like that, Harvey. You know half the reason you drink so much is the off chance that you'll get to see me again."

"You just have it all figured out, don't you?"

"That doesn't sound like you're denying it. But, it seems I'm not the only one figuring things out. What you did to Sean tonight? I'm so proud of you. He deserved it. Every last bit of it."

"I'm not so sure that's true," Harvey responds, before taking another swig from the bottle.

"Are you kidding me? It's absolutely true. He got me killed all because he was desperate to white knight for the damn kid. Believe me, that asshole deserved it," Luke assures. "And speaking of the kid..."

"Just stop. I don't want you talking about Mike."

"You let him get away with too much shit. Look at how he talks about what we had together."

"I don't _let_ him get away with anything. He's his own person, he can do and say what he wants."

"Except contact Sean? I'm curious, Harvey. What's your plan for when he breaks that rule? Because he will. What do you have planned for him?"

"I don't have anything planned. I don't even know what you're talking about."

"You seem to like the choking, right? You get to punish him, be in control, and as an added bonus, you can get yourself off at the same time? Two birds with one stone. You really can't go wrong."

Harvey aggressively rubs over his eyes, hoping when he opens them back up the room will be empty again. 

It doesn't work. He's still there.

"You know, you could always drug him. Start with low doses, and slowly build up. If he's anything like you, he'll get compliant real fast. He might even like it."

"Luke, _stop_ ," Harvey says, his voice authoritative in a way it rarely ever is with him. "I'm not doing anything like that to Mike."

Luke holds his hands up, a gesture indicating that he'll back off of the topic. "Understood. I get that you're not ready to go quite that far with him yet."

"Ever," Harvey corrects, attempting to stand-up but moving too quickly that he makes himself dizzy and throws himself off-balance in the process.

Luke reaches out and grabs Harvey's arm to help steady him. Harvey's eyes go directly to Luke's arm and the touch that's lingering on him. It looks so real. It feels so fucking real. God, why does it feel so fucking real?

Harvey looks up at Luke, and Luke's face softens when their eyes meet. "What is it?" he asks.

"I know I told you that I wouldn't, but I miss you," he admits. 

"And how does that make you feel? To miss someone like me?"

"It makes me feel like I'm the worst person in the world." He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "Maybe I am. Maybe I am just like you after all. Or maybe...I don't know, maybe I'm something even worse."

"Shhh...you're perfect, Harvey," Luke soothes. He removes his hand from Harvey's arm and brings it up to cradle his face instead. Harvey closes his eyes and nestles into the warmth of his touch. He puts his hand on top of Luke's to keep it there for as long as he can.

The sound of the bottle rolling off of the bed and thumping against the hardwood floor forces Harvey's eyes back open and drags him back to the reality of being alone in an empty room, which is something he had wanted moments earlier, but now that he has it just seems like another reminder of all the things that he's lost.

He picks the bottle up off the floor and sidearms it across the room out of frustration, because it dared to bring him back to reality. When it collides with the wall, shattering glass pierces the silence. The remaining liquid spills all across the floor, and the shards of glass from it glint in the low light.

Harvey turns around and uses the last bit of energy he has to crawl back into the bed. He pulls his knees up to his chest and closes his eyes. He's too drunk, too tired, too sad, too everything but okay to do anything else.

Besides, it's not like all the messes he made tonight won't still be waiting for him in the morning.

-

Mike hadn't been sleeping, but he thinks he'd maybe been close with how bad the sound of glass shattering out of nowhere startles him. His heart immediately races and he listens to see if any other sounds follow it. It's completely silent. He waits for a little longer, has to psych himself up to get out of the bed because he never knows what the hell he could be walking into anymore when it comes to dealing with Harvey.

He rolls out of bed and unlocks the bedroom door, peaks his head out before fully opening it and walking out. It had sounded like it came from the other room, but he checks the living room and kitchen first just to be sure. When there's no sign of Harvey there he goes to the bedroom, and carefully and slowly pushes the door open. 

It's hard to see much of anything, but once he walks in he sees the bottle shattered on the floor, and then he sees Harvey laying in the bed. He's laying on his side, which saves Mike the trouble of having to roll him to it just in case Harvey's tolerance for alcohol decides to take the night off. 

He grabs a blanket off of the chair in the corner of the room and uses it to cover him.

Harvey stirs slightly and mumbles when the blanket touches him. Mike shushes him so he'll go back to sleep.

"Luke," Harvey says.

Harvey doesn't sound scared, or angry, instead, Luke's name is said in the same fond sleep-drenched tone Mike's heard him say his name in dozens of times before. It makes his chest ache.

He immediately heads back to his room and shuts the door behind him. He leaves it unlocked this time, on the off chance that Harvey might wake up and need him for something. 

\-----

It takes several minutes for Harvey to make out any details of his surroundings when he comes to. It feels like somebody has taken a jackhammer to the inside of his skull and he figures it's likely the steady, throbbing pain that had woken him up in the first place.

He sits up and rolls out of the bed. His body aches and he assumes that's from his fight with Sean. Although Harvey definitely got the better of him, Sean landed quite a few solid punches on him which up until now were masked by adrenaline, anger, and alcohol and now that the mask has been removed he's feeling every last bit of it.

He drags himself into the bathroom, opens the medicine cabinet, and grabs the bottle of Tylenol, opening it up and shaking three white tablets into the palm of his hand. He puts the bottle back and tosses the pills into the back of his mouth and swallows them down. 

He looks into the mirror to assess the new damage. His left eye is a little swollen and there is slight bruising along his jaw and a split lip that probably isn't as bad as it looks considering it's still caked with dried blood. He turns the faucet on and gently scrubs his face, before turning the water off and pulling a towel from the rack to dab it dry.

He stares into the mirror. He's looked better. But he's also certainly looked worse. 

He heads out of the bathroom and goes to leave the room, noticing all the glass and spilled liquid all over the floor. He carefully steps around it and goes to check if Mike's awake yet.

He's surprised to find the bedroom door isn't locked anymore. He gently pushes it open, just enough for him to be able to see if he's awake. He's still in bed, buried beneath the covers. Harvey pulls the door shut, it's still early so he'll let him sleep for as long as he needs. 

-

Harvey cleans the mess up in the bedroom before showering and getting dressed. He sneaks out of the house so he can go to Mike's favorite breakfast spot and pick him up something. He knows it's bribery and it's not going to fix anything, but he doesn't think that it will hurt either.

-

When Harvey gets back Mike still isn't around. He sets his bags down on the kitchen counter and looks at the time. Mike normally would have already left for work by this time so Harvey can only assume that he isn't going so he takes the liberty of calling the office for him and explaining that he won't be in today. 

He waits around for Mike to get up, but there's still no sign of him nearly two hours later so Harvey decides to go in and see what's going on.

"Hey, Mike," he announces himself as he approaches the bed. 

"Leave me alone," Mike says.

"I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be but--"

Mike cuts him off. "It's fine, Harvey. You don't have to apologize just for the sake of apologizing. I don't care about what happened last night. Just leave."

Harvey doesn't leave, instead, he waits, tries to think of what he can offer Mike that will make him forgive him for last night. "Why don't you get up and go over to Sean's and check on him?"

Mike immediately springs up and rolls over to face Harvey. "You have got to be fucking kidding me?!"

"I'm not. I just know you're probably worried about him."

"Yes, Harvey, I am worried about the person that you beat the shit out of and forced me to leave laying on the ground."

"I know what happened, and I really do regret it."

"Do you? Because you also pinned me against a wall, smashed my fucking phone, and told me that I'm not allowed to ever talk to him again. And now, a few hours later, you're here telling me I should go see him? Are you purposely trying to confuse me or what?" he yells hoarsely. 

"I'm not trying to confuse you. I'm just--"

"Harvey, just stop. Can you please just leave me alone for a little bit? We can talk about this shit later. I honestly can't do this right now with you."

"Yeah. Sure. If that's what you want."

"It is," Mike emphasizes. 

Harvey doesn't say anything more, choosing to honor Mike's request and leave the room. 

Mike lays back down and pulls the covers back over him. Despite Harvey's denial of it, Mike can't help but feel completely confused. Harvey was adamant, and scarily so, about him never even speaking to Sean and now he's encouraging him to go see him a handful of hours later.

He can't help but feel there's some sort of catch. Or maybe its' Harvey's twisted way of testing his loyalty. Maybe it's both. Mike feels like he has no fucking clue about anything anymore.

What he does know is that he does want to check on Sean. He's been worried about him. And albeit, selfishly, he needs to know he's all right to be able to alleviate some of the guilt he feels about what happened.

He gets out of bed and grabs whatever clothes are sitting on the top of the laundry hamper and throws them on. 

-

When Mike comes out of the room he doesn't see Harvey anywhere, he doesn't bother looking for him either, instead, he gathers his shoes up in his hands, and grabs his wallet from atop the entryway dresser and opens the front door as quietly as possible and pulls it shut behind him even more carefully. Even though Harvey had been the one to tell him to go, it still feels like he's doing something he shouldn't be. 

He goes to reach for his phone out of force of habit before remembering he doesn't have a phone, so instead, he hails a cab and gives them Sean's address.

-

Mike knocks on Sean's door and there's no answer for long enough that Mike thinks he might not even be home. He knocks again and waits. 

Eventually, he hears the sound of footsteps approaching the door. He hears the chain drag across and the door swings open.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Mike's breath catches in his throat when he sees Sean's completely battered appearance. There's dark bruising and swelling on both sides of his face, across his cheekbones and over his nose. His one eye is so swollen shut that his eyelashes are just barely visible.

"Oh my god," is all Mike can manage to say.

"That doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?" he repeats.

"Can I come in?"

Sean doesn't say anything, but he steps aside and Mike takes it as his invite and walks inside.

Sean shuts the door behind them. 

"Sean, I'm so sorry about what happened."

"You don't have to apologize, none of it was your fault," Sean says as he walks past Mike who is standing beside the couch. Sean sits down and gestures for Mike to do the same. "I take it by your reluctancy to answer that Harvey doesn't know you're here."

"No. He does know."

Sean's eyebrows furrow in confusion. "And he's okay with it? Because yesterday he was telling me that I was never seeing you again."

"I know. And I don't have an explanation for it either. He's just always kind of back and forth these days, I guess," Mike pauses for a moment, stares at Sean. "Do you, uh, need to go to the doctor or anything. I could go with you. I'll even pay for it. It's the least I could do."

"I've been icing off and on and nothing is broken, so there's nothing a doctor can do for me that I can't take care of myself."

"It just looks _so_ bad."

"Yeah, and it feels as bad as it looks, too. But I'll be fine. How was Harvey when you got home last night? I was really worried about you after you left. I tried texting you a few times, but I could barely see anything so I don't know if they even went through."

"He was pissed. He ended up breaking my phone so I guess whether or not your messages went through is irrelevant."

"How'd he break your phone? Was it on purpose?"

"Yeah, he took it from my pocket and launched it across the room."

Sean tilts his head and looks at Mike with concern. "What about you? He didn't hurt you did he?"

"No. Not really."

"What the hell does 'not really' mean? He either did or he didn't."

"He didn't. He just pushed me against a wall, it's not a big deal."

Sean just shakes his head. "When did you get so comfortable with being treated like shit?"

Mike balks at the question. "Harvey doesn't treat me like shit. He's just going through a lot. His temper is shorter. And I probably said some things I shouldn't have to him."

"Right. It's your fault. Got it."

"You know what, Sean?" Mike says as he stands up. "I didn't come here to be judged so if that's where this conversation is heading I'm going back home."

"I'm sorry," Sean says. "Sit back down. I'm not trying to judge you."

Mike considers it a moment, before returning to his seat. Silence falls between them, but it's short-lived. "You know, he is going to therapy."

"And you know that for sure?" 

"Yeah. I might have accused him of lying about it last night, and he just looked so hurt by it that I know that he's telling me the truth."

"Well, that's good news," Sean replies, unable to completely remove the skepticism from his tone. Mike picks up on it.

"Just trust me on it, okay?" 

"I do. What about you? You haven't gone yet."

"I know. I almost called the one day, but just couldn't do it. I don't know why."

"Why don't you let me set it up for you? I know a guy, he's really good, and as luck would have it, he also owes me a favor, I could get you in without being stuck on any sort of waitlist. All you would have to do is go," Sean explains, as expectant blue eyes lock on Mike's. "What do you say?"

Mike can't help but give in. He had called Harvey a hypocrite last night and he'd be one now if he were to keep avoiding it when Harvey is making an effort to go. "Sure."

"Great. I'll get in touch with him and then in touch with you when I have the information. I assume you're going to get a new phone, right?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Good. Let me know as soon as you have it, okay?"

"I will." 

Mike looks like he wants to say something else, but is hesitant about it.

"You will...but?" Sean inquires. 

"No, no but. I just kind of wanted to talk to you about something else, maybe clear the air a little, but I'm not sure how exactly to word things."

"Is it about my feelings for you?"

"Yeah, that would be the thing. I mean I'm flattered and all and I guess I always kind of knew and maybe even took advantage of that, which I feel entirely guilty about but I--"

"You weren't kidding when you said you didn't know how to word things."

"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea. I care about you as a friend, but I don't have any feelings for you like that. At all."

Sean clutches his hand over his heart dramatically. "Wow. You sure know how to kick a man when he's down."

Mike immediately feels guilty. "I'm sorry, Sean."

"I'm kidding. I know you don't feel that way about me, Mike. I'm not an idiot. I also don't want you to think I only ever helped because I thought I had a chance with you. I helped you because you're a good person and seemed like you needed someone in your corner."

"Thanks, Sean." A few seconds later Mike lets out a little laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It's just you turned out to be this really good guy and I definitely thought you were a dickhead when I first met you."

"Dickhead? You would still be sitting at Danbury if it weren't for me," Sean says, clearly joking.

"Well, obviously I knew you were a good guy once you helped me get out. I meant before that. Like right up until the very moment you did that. Total dickhead."

"Wow. See if I ever invite you to any more of my dinner parties."

"Oh, so it will just be you and Harvey then? Let me know how that goes for you."

They both laugh but the gravity of last night quickly sneaks up and extinguishes the laughter.

Sean clears his throat. "Can I get you a drink or anything? Are you hungry?" Sean asks, clearly an attempt to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"No. You need to rest. Why don't I go get us both a drink? And some ice for your face?" Mike offers. 

Sean has a feeling Mike wasn't taking no for an answer. "Okay. Sure. Thanks, Mike."

-

Mike ends up being there for hours, much longer than he had anticipated. It's just so easy to get caught up in conversation with Sean, especially when they're not talking about all the heavy things that his life seems to revolve around now. 

He looks down at his watch and sees how late in the date it's getting. "I should probably head back. Harvey is probably getting-"

"Mad" Sean finishes his sentence.

Mike bluntly side-eyes him. "Worried," he says.

"Right. Of course. Can I walk you out?"

"That would directly violate the you should be resting policy."

"I won't tell if you won't."

"All right, deal."

-

Mike calls for a ride and Sean walks down and waits outside the building with him. 

"You'll let me know as soon as you have a new phone?"

"Same answer as the last five times you asked, yes."

"Just want to make sure you remember."

"You know, I do have a pretty good memory."

"So I've heard."

They talk a little more and then Mike's ride pulls up. "All right, I guess I'm out of here. Keep icing that face, okay?"

"I will."

Mike takes a step towards Sean and wraps his arms around him. It's unexpected but Sean adjusts quickly, moving his arms up and wrapping them around Mike. 

"I'm sorry about all of this," Mike says again.

"Don't be. And you're always welcome here, you know that, right?"

"I know."

Sean feels Mike starting to pull away but Sean holds him in the hug, for just a little bit longer, before reluctantly having to let him go, not wanting it to turn into something weird. 

Mike turns and walks to the car, swings the door open, and climbs into the back of it, the door slamming shut. 

As Sean watches the car fade into the distance he can't help but think it feels a little bit like sending a lamb off to slaughter.


	48. Chapter 48

Mike unlocks the door, walks inside, and flips on the light switch before walking down the hallway.

He continues into the living room where he expects to see Harvey but doesn't. He checks the guest room first, the door is shut, so he knocks first. "Harvey? Are you in there? I'm home." He waits for a beat before checking to see if it's locked. It's not, so he pushes the door open slowly just in case he's sleeping, but there's no sign of him in there.

He goes to the other room next. "Hey, Harvey?" he says as he walks in. He's not in there either. Mike checks the bathroom, which is empty too. 

"Hmm," he says aloud. He leaves the room and checks the bathroom, and then out on the balcony, but he's neither of those places either. 

He walks back out into the kitchen because sometimes Harvey will leave him a note, sometimes it's to let him know where he's going or at the very least letting him know where he's lying about going, and sometimes it's just a quick I love you scribbled onto a piece of paper. He doesn't expect there to be any 'I love you's' scribbled this time.

There aren't any notes of any kind to be found, but there is a new cellphone sitting on the counter. Mike picks it up and unplugs it from the charger. He scrolls and clicks around and discovers that Harvey had everything transferred over from his broken one.

He decides to break it in by giving Harvey a call. 

And he gets his voicemail. 

_Hey Harvey, it's me. Found the new phone you got me. Thanks. I just wanted to let you know that I'm back home now and was wondering where you are. Give me a call whenever you get this, all right? Okay, love you. Bye._

After he disconnects that call with Harvey, he decides to call Sean next to let him know that he has his phone again.

Sean picks up on the second ring. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, I have a phone again."

"That was quick."

"Yeah, Harvey got it for me." 

"As he should. How is he? Everything okay there?" Sean asks, trying to sound casual, not concerned.

"I've only been home a little bit and Harvey's not even home right now. I think he might have gone to get something for dinner. What about you? Still icing that face?"

"Yeah, I am. Think it still might be a while until I can get back to my modeling career."

"Don't worry, Sean, you'll be back on the cover of Prosecutor's Illustrated in no time."

Sean laughs. "Here's hoping."

"All right, I'll quit bugging you and let you get back to your own shit now."

"Okay. Keep me in the loop. And I'll get in touch with you when I have information about therapy for you."

Mike suddenly gets very quiet.

"Mike?" Sean says. "You still are going to go, right?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Great. I think it will help you a lot."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later. Goodnight, Sean."

"Goodnight."

After getting off the phone with Sean, Mike decides to go hop in the shower and change into clothes that he didn't pick out of the dirty laundry hamper. 

-

He's slightly surprised that Harvey still isn't back by the time he gets out, mostly because he felt like he was in there forever. The hot water helping to melt away some of the extra stress he's been carrying around lately. 

He decides to go into the kitchen and find something to eat. The fridge is mostly empty, more full of things that need to be thrown away than things that are currently edible. He decides to just grab the milk out and pour himself a bowl of cereal. 

-

He's finished the majority of what's in the bowl when he hears the sound of keys jingling at the front door. He listens, waits, and prepares himself to get up if he doesn't hear the door open within the next few seconds. 

The slight squeak of the door opening allows him to settle back into his seat slightly. 

"Mike? Are you home?" Harvey calls out.

"Yeah, I'm in here."

"Woah," Harvey says. It's followed by a loud crash. Mike starts to get up to see what the hell it was, but before he can, Harvey rounds the corner. "I accidentally knocked that uh, table-thingy over."

Harvey looks terrible. There are prominent dark circles under his eyes, and his hair is a disheveled mess. Mike watches him take a few off-kilter steps before getting up. He cautiously shortens the distance between him and Harvey and reaches out and places a hand on Harvey's arm. "You should come sit down," Mike suggests.

Harvey looks at Mike's hand on his arm and then glances up to meet his gaze. Harvey's eyes are glassy and red and he reeks of alcohol so strongly that Mike's not even sure how he's standing at this point.

Harvey shortens the already barely-there distance between them and wraps his arms around Mike's waist. "I missed you," he says. "You were gone so long."

"I didn't mean to stay that long, we just got talking and time flew."

"It's okay."

"Harvey, let's sit down," Mike suggests again. This time Harvey doesn't protest, he pulls his arms away from Mike's body and manages to take the few steps needed to make it to the couch. Once Harvey situates himself, Mike sits down next to him. 

"You've been drinking all day?" Mike phrases it as a question, but his tone suggests that it's something he already knows the answer to. He just wants to see how Harvey decides to answer.

"Mmmhm."

"Where?"

"Luke's," Harvey answers honestly.

"Goddamn it, Harvey. You told me you wouldn't go there anymore. You promised me you wouldn't."

Harvey shifts his body so that he can be face-to-face with Mike. "I know. Please don't be mad at me."

Mike just shakes his head in disbelief. It's hard not to be angry because he had truly believed that Harvey would not break his promise about this of all things. But it's also hard to be angry with him because he just looks so fucking pathetic and broken, staring at him as if his entire fate hangs on Mike not being mad at him. 

"Please," he says again, and somehow he looks even more pitiful while doing so. 

Being mad at him while he's in this state would be like pouring salt in one of his many wounds and Mike can't bring himself to do it. "I'm not mad at you." 

"Thank---" Harvey starts and stops immediately. "I need to--"

"What's wrong?"

Harvey tries to hop to his feet but nearly falls backward in the process. Things suddenly click with Mike. He grabs Harvey's arm and helps lead him to the bathroom, and he barely makes it in time, dropping to his knees and clinging to the cold porcelain as he empties the contents of his stomach into it. 

Mike stands right next to him the entire time, rubbing his back and assuring him that it's going to be okay. 

When the worst of it's over, Harvey pushes away from the toilet and allows himself to fall back into a sitting position, before bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. "I think that's it," Harvey says.

Mike extends a hand towards him. "Let me help you up."

Harvey reaches out and takes it and Mike pulls him up to his feet. 

"Let's brush your teeth, okay?" Mike turns around and reaches into the drawer and grabs Harvey's toothbrush out. He grabs the tube of toothpaste and squeezes it onto the brush and hands it to Harvey. "Can you handle doing this?"

Harvey takes the toothbrush from his hand and starts brushing his teeth. While he does that Mike goes and fills a glass of water and gets him some Tylenol for the headache Harvey is bound to have. He sits them on the nightstand in the bedroom and goes back to check on Harvey who is working on rinsing his toothbrush off. 

"Let's get you in bed," Mike suggests before reaching for Harvey's hand and guiding him to the bedroom. He walks him over to the bed, pulls the comforter down so that it's ready before helping him sit down on it. He bends down and slides both of his shoes off and tosses them to the side. 

He goes to the dresser next and grabs a clean shirt for him to sleep in. Mike lays the shirt down on the bed before using both hands to grab onto Harvey's shirt. "Put your hands up," he says. Harvey does just that and Mike can slide the shirt off over his head with ease. He picks up the clean one and learns that it's a little more difficult to put a shirt on a person than it is to take one-off, but he's able to get it on with some help from Harvey.

"Can you climb up on the bed for me?"

"Why?" Harvey asks.

"So you can sleep. You might call yourself Batman, but you still sleep laying down last I checked." 

Harvey slides off the bed and turns around and crawls up to where the pillows are, but remains in a sitting position. 

Mike grabs the comforter and pulls it up over the lower half of Harvey's body. 

"Are you going to sleep in the bed too?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Please."

"Okay then, sure. Let me go get changed and I'll be right in. Do you need anything else?"

Harvey starts to shake his head but realizes even the smallest movements make him dizzy. "No," he answers instead. 

-

Mike leaves and turns the lights off in the house, locks the door, and gets changed. By the time he's done with doing everything, Harvey's laying down in the bed. 

"I brought you this. You know, just in case," Mike explains before sitting the empty container down on the nightstand next to Harvey. 

"Thanks."

Mike walks around to the opposite side of the bed and crawls into it, and pulls the covers up onto himself. He reaches over and turns out the light. 

"Was Sean okay?" Harvey asks after they have been laying in silence for quite some time.

"He will be. Nothing was broken."

"Okay."

Another long stretch of silence follows before Harvey speaks again. "Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"If I move over can you put your arm around me? Just until I fall asleep?"

"Sure."

Harvey rolls to his side and Mike inches closer to him and throws his arm overtop him, Harvey takes his hand and intertwines his fingers with Mike's.

They stay just that way for the longest time until ultimately Harvey's grip loosens and Mike thinks he might have fallen asleep. He just holds Harvey and listens to him breathe, in and out, soft and slow until his eyelids start to flutter shut.

But then Harvey draws in a big, shaky breath, and releases it in stuttered sobs and Mike's eyes are right back open. Harvey is crying. 

"Harvey? Are you okay?" 

Harvey doesn't answer back and Mike knows it's because he didn't want him to know he was crying or doesn't want to have to talk about anything. Mike doesn't press the issue, just lets him know he's there by squeezing him a little tighter. He's not sure it was the right move when it makes Harvey start to cry even harder, his entire body convulsing in Mike's arms.

It's agonizing having to lay there and listen to him and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but that's really how anything involving Harvey makes him feel these days, entirely helpless. 

Eventually, to Mike's relief, Harvey stops crying, and he thinks it's only because he quite literally cried himself to sleep. Now and again a small hitched sob manages to escape and break Mike's heart all over again. 

Mike stays awake until it's breathing and nothing else coming from Harvey, it's only then that he feels comfortable enough with allowing himself to close his own eyes and attempt to drift off.

\-----

Mike wakes up to an empty bed and the smell of coffee brewing. He yawns and stretches and repeats this process several times before managing to sit up in the bed. He looks over at the clock it's not particularly early, but it seems too early for Harvey to already be out of bed considering how drunk he was last night. 

Mike reluctantly throws the covers off and crawls out of bed, padding across the hardwood floor and trailing the scent of coffee into the kitchen where he sees Harvey sitting at one of the barstools. He's hunched over fingers laced in the handle of his coffee mug.

Mike slides up onto the barstool next to him. Harvey stays fixed in the same position. 

"How are you feeling, Harvey?"

His question is met with a long bought of silence, but then he finally huffs exhaustively and answers. "Sad." Harvey takes a deep breath, frustrated that he can already feel tears pooling in his eyes. "I hate being this way. I'm broken, Mike. I am."

"You're not broken, Harvey."

"I am. And I'm scared I'm going to break you, too. I think Sean was right about one thing, and that is that I'm going to ruin you if you stay."

"If I stay? What are you even talking about? Are you trying to break up with me? Because that's what it sounds like to me."

"I want to be with you. But we both need to face the fact that you'd be better off without me. There's still time for you to get out. You can still have a life. A good one at that, the kind of life that you deserve. Not one where you have to babysit me after I drink too much again and again or listen to me cry because I don't know how to fucking cope with any of what has happened to me."

"Just stop, Harvey. I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I don't want to be anywhere but here with you. You're going to get better, everything is, you just have to give it time. You can't expect to heal from everything overnight. It's going to be a long road. But we--"

"Goddamnit, Mike!," Harvey shouts, interrupting him and slamming his fist down on the counter, causing Mike to jump at the unexpectedness. "You're not listening to me! Look what I've already done to you, look what I just did to Sean. Doesn't that scare you? Because it scares the shit out of me."

"I'm not scared of you. I know who you are."

"No, you know who I _was_. I'm _not_ that person anymore," Harvey says, as he wipes away the single tear that managed to escape, despite his best efforts to hold it back.

Mike wipes at his own eyes, clearing the blurriness that tears starting to fill them have created. "You're wrong."

"I'm not. And I wish you'd stop being so fucking delusional about everything. You seem to think that if I go to therapy and you love me like I'm worth something things are going to get better and they aren't," Harvey says bluntly.

"What happened yesterday? Why are you acting like this?"

"I'm not acting like anything," Harvey denies as he stands up, "but I'm done talking about this."

"Where are you going?"

Harvey doesn't bother to lie this time. "To Luke's. Why? Do you have a problem with that?"

"You know I do."

"Do you want to try and stop me from going?"

Mike doesn't say anything, just slumps down low in his chair feeling defeated. 

"Didn't think so," Harvey responds, turning on his heel and heading for the door. He slams it on the way out for good measure. 

-

Mike thinks about following him there but nixes the idea because it's a terrible one. And he's too scared to go there alone if he's being honest with himself.

And then he thinks about calling Sean because he's desperate for comfort and a distraction and Sean has been so good at being both of those for him, but it's an equally terrible idea because he knows he can't keep running to him with every single problem he has.

Work is the next idea he has, it's a distraction without the risk of potentially blurring lines the way a visit with Sean would. He cleans up the kitchen and throws a suit on, moving at a leisurely pace, hoping that maybe Harvey would change his mind and come back home in the time it took to get ready and leave the house. No such luck.

-

When he's finally in a cab and only about ten minutes away from being at the office, he abruptly changes his mind and decides that burying himself in paperwork isn't the solution he needs and that he'd rather drown himself and his problems in booze. It's been a while since he's done that. Since before Harvey's been back. For the second time. He gets the driver's attention and tells him that there's been a change of plans and he's going to need to be dropped off at the closest bar instead.

-

The bar is pretty empty, but then again, it's barely afternoon and he should have expected as much. He grabs a seat at one of the many empty barstools and starts by ordering a whiskey neat. 

He tells himself that he'll stop after the second drink, but by the time he finishes that second drink, a third now seems like the logical next step. It doesn't help that they're all going down so smoothly.

He feels like the bartender is judging him by the time he's on drink five (or is it six?) At the same time, he realizes that it's much more likely that he's just projecting that feeling of judgment. He doesn't have time to dwell on that particular thought for long because his phone starts ringing in his pocket and he has to struggle to get it out. "Hello?" he answers once he's finally managed to pry it free.

"Hey. Is this a bad time?"

"That's the only kind of time there is anymore."

"What?"

"Nevermind, forget it. What do you want, Sean?" 

"I was just calling to let you know that I have all the information about therapy for you."

"Yeah, about that. I changed my mind, I don't think I'm going to go."

"What? Why not?"

"I don't think it's right for me," Mike says as he picks up his glass and finishing it in one gulp. He points at the empty glass, covers the speaker with his hand. "Another," he calls over to the bartender.

"Did something happen?"

"No, Sean. Why do you always assume something happened? Maybe I just decided that I don't want to go to fucking therapy. I mean, why don't you go if it's so great and can fix everything? Maybe they can even teach you about one-sided love and how to get the fuck over someone while you're there." Mike wants to take the words back as soon as they come out of his mouth, and even more so when the other side of the line goes completely silent. 

"Shit. Sean, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of that."

Sean had picked up on the fact that Mike was drinking by his slurred speech nearly right away, but drinking or not, it didn't erase any of the hurt that came from hearing those words.

"Don't worry about it. But, I can't really talk now. I have to get back to work. I'll talk to you sometime later," Sean says, very clearly in a rush to put an end to the call.

"Sean, please let me--"

"I have to go. Goodbye, Mike."

Mike decides to use that conversation as a reason to keep drinking, not that he had needed another one.

About ten minutes after that call, Mike gets a text, he opens it up and it's from Sean and it contains all the information he needs in regards to going to therapy. Mike sighs and orders yet another drink. 

-

Mike saves the bartender the trouble of having to officially cut him off by closing the tab. He's completely wasted, but it's an improvement on how he felt when he'd come in here hours ago. 

He stumbles his way out to the sidewalk and leans against the closest wall to help him balance as he pokes around on his phone in an attempt to get himself a ride home. 

It takes him longer than he'd like to admit, mostly because everything is a blurred mess, but he manages to figure it out. Or so he thinks anyway. In ten minutes, give or take, he'll find out whether or not he did for sure. 

He slides down against the wall to the ground and loosens his tie. There's a bit of a chill in the air, but drinking has always tended to make him run a bit hot. 

He remains seated on the ground until his ride shows up and he has to find a way to pull himself up off the ground, something he hadn't considered would be so difficult to do when deciding to sit there in the first place, but he manages to find a way to get up and walk over and climb into the car.

-

Harvey has every intention of going to Luke's but ends up at his therapist's office instead. He can only blame residual guilt from his conversation with Mike for it happening that way. He's able to talk to her and schedule an extra session a week. 

She asks him if he's managed to follow up on her referral to get an evaluation from a psychiatrist in addition to therapy, as she feels it could be highly beneficial. He lies and says he's been too busy, but will be sure to get around to it. The reality is he just doesn't want to do it, and even the mere suggestion of it had felt a bit insulting like she was somehow implying that he was crazy. Harvey logically knows that isn't the case, but his feelings don't give a shit about logic. 

-

Mike's not home when Harvey gets back, but he sees that his briefcase is gone so he figures he went into work.

Harvey gets a beer from the fridge, twists the cap off, and wanders over to the record player. He digs through the records on the bottom shelf below it, before finally settling on one, pulling it out from its sleeve and placing it on the turntable. He pulls the arm over and gently places the stylus down. As the music starts to play, he takes a long sip from his beer and goes back to settle in on the couch. 

He nurses the beer, not wanting to drink too fast because his goal isn't to get drunk, but rather to simply not be entirely sober. He closes his eyes and lets himself get lost in the music. It's been too long since he's done just this. 

"You have good taste."

"No, no, no, no, no," Harvey says to himself when he hears the voice. "I'm not drunk."

"So then, maybe you're crazy," Luke suggests. 

Harvey covers his face with his hands and attempts to will Luke back into non-existence. 

Luke sighs. "That isn't going to work, besides its kind of hurting my feelings. I thought we had a good talk yesterday."

"We...did. But that's there. We're alone when we're there."

Luke surveys the empty room. "And we're _not_ alone here?"

"You know what I mean. What do you think happens if Mike walks in and sees that I'm talking to nobody? He'll have me committed."

"Give me a break, Harvey. The kid is wrapped around your finger, you heard him this morning, he's not leaving you. Which, by the way, brilliant move with the whole warning him to leave thing."

"Move? It wasn't a move. What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Harvey. You gave him a chance to leave, he didn't take it, therefore anything that happens to him from here on out becomes his own fault."

"Just...stop. That's not what that was."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Harvey hears the jingling of keys at the front door. He gets up and starts walking towards the door, pivoting when he's about halfway there to look back and warn Luke to go away, but nobody's there. As much as he likes to convince himself that he's not crazy, he's starting to think that the fact that he's convinced himself that he's not is maybe a sure sign that he is. 

He shakes the thought and continues to the door, opening it to find Mike standing on the other side, still struggling with his keys. 

"Oh. You're home," Mike says.

"Come in here," Harvey invites, stepping aside as Mike brushes against him to get past. Harvey immediately gets a whiff of alcohol, and it's strong. 

Mike drops his briefcase down in the hallway and continues to the couch. He practically throws himself down on it with a heavy sigh. 

Harvey takes a moment to look Mike up and down. "I hope you weren't at work like that."

"I wasn't. I skipped and went to the bar. And I drank a lot." Mike hiccups. "A lot."

Harvey walks over and sits down next to him. "Yeah, I can tell. Did it make you feel better?"

"I don't know. Do you still want to break up with me?"

"I never wanted to break up with you. Losing you would destroy me. But at the same time, I am scared that I'll do something to you that I can't take back."

"Like what?"

Harvey thinks about the nightmares that he doesn't talk about. The ones where he hurts Mike. The ones that make him sleep in a different room than him because he's so scared of them becoming a reality. The ones where he puts his hands on Mike in all the wrongs ways that can feel right if he allows them to. 

"It doesn't matter," he says.

"I think it does, but whatever," Mike shrugs, "I'm going to get another drink."

"Mike," Harvey starts.

"I swear to god if you even try to lecture me about drinking I will jump off the goddamn balcony."

Harvey remains quiet.

There's the sound of glass knocking against glass as Mike roots through the cabinet. He comes back a minute or so later carrying two glasses filled halfway with dark brown liquid. 

He holds out one for Harvey, who takes it from his hand, before sitting back down on the couch with his own. He doesn't waste any time before he starts drinking his. He leans forward and sets it down in front of him.

"What did you do at Luke's?"

"I didn't go. I changed my mind halfway there and instead went to see if I could get an extra therapy session every week."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Harvey takes a sip from his glass. 

Mike picks his glass back up and just before bringing it to his mouth he pauses and lowers it. "You know, Sean thinks I should go to therapy."

Harvey looks over at him, there's something that resembles hurt on his face. "Because of me?"

"No, not you. Just the whole situation."

"Are you going to go?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

Mike waits for Harvey to give him the okay to go or maybe say something encouraging, or offer any sort of advice or guidance at all but instead all he does is lift his drink to his lips and take a large sip, sighing softly at the slow burn of it. "I'm going to get another. Want one?"

"I probably shouldn't. I've been drinking all day."

"One more won't hurt then, right?"

"Okay, fine."

Harvey comes back with two more full glasses that he places down before walking over and changing the record to something different and rejoining Mike on the couch. Mike instinctively scoots close to him and rests his head on Harvey's shoulder and sighs contently. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Mike speaks again. "I like this song."

"Do you?"

"I think. Or maybe I'm just so drunk that everything sounds good to me."

"I think that might be the case," Harvey replies, tilting his head down to look at Mike who is staring back up at him with hazy blue eyes and a half-smile.

Mike adjusts himself, pulls himself back up so that he's more level with Harvey before leaning in and kissing him. It's long, achingly slow, and it makes Harvey's breath catch in his throat. He doesn't kiss back, perfectly content with allowing Mike to have total control of his mouth for however long he wants it and Mike takes full advantage. 

When he finally pulls away, they're both breathless. "What was that about?"

Mike shrugs. "Why does it have to be about something?"

"It doesn't. I just--"

Mike cuts him off with another kiss. It's quick, rough, and with the sole purpose of shutting him up. And it works. And Harvey is okay with it until his hand starts wandering and reaching to undo his belt buckle.

"Okay," he manages to say before Mike's tongue is back in his mouth. "Hold up." He softly puts the palm of his hand on Mike's chest and pushes him back, holding him far enough that he's able to get a sentence out. "We can't do this."

"Why?"

"You're really drunk, it's not a good idea."

"So we can make out when we're high as fuck, but can't do things just because I had a couple of drinks." Mike reaches back down to Harvey's pants and manages to pull the belt free from the loops. "Come on, Harvey. Let me make you feel good."

It's hard not to be caught up in it all. The way Mike is kissing him, the way his hands are clumsily moving, the slight slur in his voice that makes him sound so vulnerable, the way he's looking at him, so eager to please. 

Mike reaches for the zipper of Harvey's pants next, and Harvey catches his hand, threads their fingers together, creating a non-threatening yet effective restraint. "Not tonight, Mike," he says sternly before releasing Mike's hand and getting up from the couch. He grabs his glass and carries it out to the kitchen and dumps the remaining liquid from it down the drain. 

Mike dumps the remaining liquid of his glass into his mouth, wincing at the burn as it travels down his throat. After he slams his empty glass back down on the table, he decides to go lay down for a little.

He passes Harvey on the way to the bedroom.

"I'm going to go sit on the balcony for a little bit. You're welcome to join me," Harvey says.

"Not tonight," Mike says, pettily throwing Harvey's own words back at him. 

-

Harvey stays out on the balcony for a long time. When he had gone out it had been so quiet and peaceful that he was almost bracing himself for it to all be interrupted by the sound of Luke's voice, but it never happens and he savors every minute of it. 

He decides he should go check on Mike, and when he does he's sleeping. He's snoring the way he only does when he's had too much to drink. Harvey carefully walks to the bed and sits down on the edge and watches him sleep. 

He can't help but think of how unfair this has all been for Mike. He could be married and working at a job he loves and is passionate about, probably even have a house with a cliche white picket fence and he'd definitely have a dog if it hadn't been for Harvey dragging him away from it all for selfish reasons. He had made Mike trade-in normalcy for this nightmare of an existence. The guilt from that is insurmountable.  
Harvey feels a single tear roll down his cheek. He wipes it away, and carefully gets up from the bed, making sure not to disturb Mike, though, he's sleeping so heavily that he thinks a wrecking ball could crash through the house and Mike would sleep through it. 

Harvey leans over and softly kisses Mike's forehead before exiting the room.

-

Every half hour or so, Harvey goes back into the room just to check on him and make sure everything is okay. 

-

When Mike emerges from the room, he comes with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, dragging on the ground behind him. He sits down next to Harvey and leans into him. 

Harvey closes the laptop in front of him. "How are you feeling?"

Mike answers with a groan.

"That good? Why don't you let me go get you some water? How's your head feeling?"

Mike pulls the blanket around himself tighter. "Can I please have some Tylenol?"

"Sure. I'll be right back."

-

"Give me your hand," Harvey says when he comes back. Mike sticks his hand out and Harvey presses white pills into the palm of it. Once Mike takes them from him, he holds out the glass of water for him. Mike tosses the pills onto his tongue and chugs over half the glass. 

"Thank you," he says meekly. 

"Are you hungry?"

Mike shrugs.

"You should probably eat something."

"Would you make me toast?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

Harvey goes back into the kitchen and gets the bread out, sticking two slices into the toaster and pressing them down.

Harvey waits by the toaster and gets flooded with memories out of nowhere of that night with Luke and the burnt toast and Luke asking Harvey to hurt him and the god awful way Luke had looked after he did and just images of his face when he was dead and now Harvey's throat suddenly feels tight, his chest constricted and he feels suffocated by the unrelenting memories. Tears sting the edges of his eyes and he tries to calm himself down. 

He runs over to the sink and splashes cold water on his face. He then focuses on his breathing. Slow breaths. In and out. Over and over. 

Mike yells out to the kitchen. "Harvey? Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine," he replies. "I'll be right in." 

The toast pops out and Harvey goes to gather it and throw it on a plate and lightly spreads butter on it. He feels absolutely ridiculous and embarrassed that fucking _toast_ of all things almost caused him to have into a full-blown panic attack. 

He stays in the kitchen a little longer, enough time to gather himself up the rest of the way before going back in.

He sits the plate down in front of him.

"Thanks," Mike says.

"No problem."

Mike looks over at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just had kind of a weird moment. It's nothing. Eat your toast."

Mike picks up a piece and takes a bite out of it before setting it back down. "Harvey," he says after a pause. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Forget it. You don't need to apologize. It's been a weird, rough day for both of us. We've both said or done shit we shouldn't have, so let's just call a mulligan on the entire day and start with a clean slate. How does that sound?"

"Good," Mike says with a nod of the head.

Harvey sighs. "Okay, then it's settled. Now, the next order of business. I want to run something by you and see what you think."

Mike looks apprehensive about what it is that could possibly come out of his mouth next. "Yeah?"

"I've been thinking about going back to work. Not full-time, not even enough to register as part-time. I just want to do a few hours a week, maybe just to assist you with some of the smaller, more tedious things. Test the waters and all that."

Mike's face lights up in a way it seldom does any more. "We're going to get to work together again?"

"A little bit. On a trial basis, yes."

"I'm so happy. I could literally cry right now."

"Please don't. You, uh, don't think it's a bad idea?"

"No, I think it's a great idea, it'll give you something to do. And we get to work together."

"If only you had always shown this much enthusiasm when it came to working for me."

"Not for, with," Mike corrects.

"Same difference. But, I'm glad you're happy about it all the same. I just want to get my shit together so badly."

Mike turns and slowly leans in and gently wraps his arms around Harvey in a soft hug. "You will. I know you will."

It feels like there's an instant tonal shift. There's a little bit of something that remotely resembles hope in the air. Harvey's very cautious about it, not wanting to get too comfortable with the idea of anything good actually happening because he knows everything thing good has a tendency of ending abruptly and horrifically.

However, going back to work, even if just for a handful of hours, combined with an extra therapy session a week seems like it could be a good place to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies to anybody still reading this garbage for taking so long to update.


	49. Chapter 49

Harvey's leg is bouncing nervously in the back of the car on the way to work. Mike doesn't think Harvey even realizes he's doing it, too fixated on staring out the window. 

"Harvey," Mike says. 

He doesn't get a response, so Mike places his hand lightly on this thigh and says his name more firmly this time. "Harvey."

Harvey comes back from wherever his mind had him. "What?" 

"There's nothing to be nervous about."

"I'm not nervous," he denies.

"Really? Because you've burnt about 10,000 calories bouncing your leg."

Harvey exhales. "Are you sure this isn't a bad idea?"

"It's not," Mike says assuredly. "You'll be able to move at your own pace, and if anything feels like too much, you're free to leave. Or you can always stay and simply watch me be brilliant."

Harvey rolls his eyes. "This is definitely a bad idea."

"It's going to be fine."

Harvey nods and puts his hand on top of Mike's that's still currently resting on his leg. 

-

"We should use my office, it's bigger," Harvey suggests as they navigate the long hallways of the building.

"And it has a better view," Mike adds. "Way ahead of you. I've been using your office for months now."

"You better not have touched anything."

"I touched _everything_. Fingerprints everywhere," Mike jokes as he pushes the elevator button.

They make it to Harvey's office unscathed, only encountering a few people that neither of them knows. 

"Do you want the desk?" Mike asks.

"No. It's fine. You take it. I'm playing sidekick today."

"You mean I finally get to be Batman?"

"Just for today."

"I'll take it!"

Harvey walks around the office, refamiliarizing himself with everything. It's been too long and he's never thought his own office would feel so foreign to him. Despite Mike's claims, he's kept everything as is, minus a selfie of the two of them that he framed and placed on the desk. Harvey picks it up and examines it. They are dressed to the nines, Mike has his arm comfortably draped around Harvey's neck and they both have huge smiles on their faces in the picture. 

"This is from that New Year's Eve party, with uh, what was that asshole's name?"

"Harrison," Mike fills in the blank.

"Right. Harrison. That's it. You drank so much that night," Harvey recalls.

"Yeah, but I got all the information you needed, didn't I?"

"You did," Harvey replies, smiling fondly at the memory. 

"I recall you being pretty shitfaced too," Mike adds.

"I had to have been, I agreed to take a selfie with you, after all."

Mike laughs. "Good point."

Harvey puts the picture down, and picks up one of the many folders sprawled across the desk and starts to rifle through it. "So...I guess we should get down to business?"

"Let's."

Mike sits down at the desk and Harvey makes himself comfortable in the chair and they get to work. Any qualms Harvey had about working back with Mike are eradicated instantly. It's like he never missed a single day. They just click and it makes things easy in a way Harvey needs it to be. 

-

They're nearly two hours into things when there's a knock. They simultaneously look up and see Donna standing at the door.

"Am I interrupting?"

"No, not at all," Mike says, "come in."

"I heard rumors that a certain someone was back in the office, I had to come to see for myself."

"And by rumors do you mean the fact that I text you last night and told you I was coming?" Harvey asks.

"Exactly that," she responds. Her face softens as she walks over to where he is with outstretched arms. Harvey stands up and wraps his arms around her. They stay engulfed in a tight embrace for a long time. There's an underlying need to make up for all the time they hadn't been able to do just this. 

"Okay," she says, as she pulls her arms away from him. "I'll stop suffocating you now." She has tears in her eyes that she dabs at with the back of her hand to dry.

Harvey feels his own eyes starting to get watery, the guilt he has for cutting her out of his life the way he did is hitting him hard and all at once. "I'm sorry, Donna. For not--"

"Stop. None of that. You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm just so happy that you're here."

Harvey's not sure if she means at the office or just in general, but she says it so sincerely that it doesn't really matter because it feels good to hear. Harvey has only recently started responding to her texts, a small step, especially after shutting her, along with everybody who wasn't Mike out of his life entirely. He's happy and relieved that she hasn't seemed to have taken any offense to it or hold any sort of grudge. 

"I'd love to catch up with you sometime, maybe over coffee?" she suggests. "When you're feeling up to it, that is. No rush, no pressure."

"Sure. I'd like that. We might need more than one coffee to get through everything though."

"Lucky for you, I happen to _really_ love coffee."

Harvey smiles and nods and Donna hugs him one more time before turning her attention to Mike. "Don't worry, Mike. I'm not going to leave you out," she says before walking over and wrapping him up in a hug.

"Are you doing okay?" she asks softly. 

"Yeah. I'm good," Mike replies. 

"Good," she says, giving him a tight squeeze before letting go. "I won't take up any more of your time, I just wanted to drop-in and say hello and witness the dynamic duo back together with my own eyes. Do you guys need anything?"

"Uh, no, I think we're good for now," Mike answers before looking over at Harvey. 

"Yeah, I think we've got everything we need," he agrees.

"Okay, I'm just a call away if that changes."

"We appreciate it. Thank you."

"Thank you, Donna," Harvey adds. 

Donna smiles and nods before turning to leave the office. 

"Are you okay?" Mike asks once she's disappeared around the corner of the hallway.

"Yeah. Let's get back to work."

-

The day goes much more smoothly than they could have possibly imagined. Outside of Donna, they don't have any more unexpected company so they're able to just focus on working side by side to get things done. 

They head home and order take-out, eat and relax on the couch together while watching re-runs of Seinfeld and it's all so painfully normal and mundane that they both want to bask in it forever. 

Mike has his head resting on Harvey's lap, while Harvey mindlessly stroking fingers through his hair, nearly putting him to sleep while doing so. Mike checks his watch and it's nearly 3 in the morning.

"We should probably go to bed. You have therapy tomorrow."

"One more episode."

"Okay."

-

Harvey is apprehensive about sleeping in the same bed as Mike. It had been a good day, and those are so rare that he's not sure he wants to risk undoing it all because of a damn nightmare.

He allows Mike to talk him into it, and he admits he had made it less difficult of a task than he should have, but when they crawl into bed and snuggle underneath the covers it doesn't feel like there could have ever been another option but this. 

Mike falls asleep fast and Harvey fights the heaviness of his eyelids, trying to wring out every last second of the day if everything goes wrong. 

Sleep wins out and he closes his eyes.

-

"Good morning," Mike greets him the second he starts to blink his eyes open. 

Harvey yawns and gives his eyes a second to focus before responding. "Good morning," he returns with a sleepy gaze, leaning forward to kiss him on the lips. 

"I'm going to go make coffee," Mike says before pushing the covers down and starts to crawl out of bed, Harvey grabs his arm. "Hold up," he says, pulling him back towards him and kissing him once more before allowing him to continue on his way. 

Harvey lays in bed a little while longer, until he can smell the coffee starting to waft into the room, it's only then that he decides to get up and go grab a shower and get ready for the day.

-

Mike is leaning over the counter eating cereal when Harvey finishes with his shower. With a mouthful of cereal, he says something incoherent to him and points to the cup of coffee he had made for Harvey.

"You know, you could have just pointed," Harvey complains. "But thanks."

Mike finishes chewing and swallows. "Sorry. Do you want some? I could pour you a bowl."

"Or I could just eat sugar straight from the bowl and save you the time."

"So you _don't_ want some then?"

"I'll stick with coffee."

"Your loss," Mike says with a shrug as he digs into the bowl and takes another heaping bite. He finishes chewing this time before he talks. "What's the gameplan for today?"

"I was thinking that I'll go get therapy over with and then come out and meet up with you at the office for a little bit. Does that sound okay?"

"That's perfectly fine with me. You don't think it'll be too much?"

"Too much? What? Talking about my feelings and doing glorified paperwork all in one day?" Harvey snaps back. "I think I can fucking handle it."

"You know that's not what I meant."

Harvey realizes his response was completely unwarranted. He knows Mike never has anything but his best interests at heart. He knows it's mostly his own frustration about being able to handle so little these days and the sting of knowing that Mike could be right, it could be too much. "I'm sorry," he apologies.

"It's okay."

It's always okay. He wonders if Mike would ever tell him if it's not okay. Probably not. 

There's a slight awkwardness that remains for a while after the exchange, but Mike finds a way to talk his way through it and they have a nice conversation after that. He pours a second bowl of cereal and Harvey sips at his coffee and things feel good again in the way that makes Harvey weary. 

-

Their conversation goes on a little too long, and Mike's running a little late from when he had wanted to leave. He rushes through the house with a toothbrush in his mouth while hopping to put on his shoe.

When he finishes he goes into the bathroom and rinses his mouth and quickly places his toothbrush back in its holder.

He goes back out in the living room. "Have you seen my--?"

"It's on the nightstand."

Mike goes into the bedroom and grabs his wallet and puts it in his pocket. He goes back out to say goodbye to Harvey.

"All right, I'm going to get going," he tells Harvey.

"You know your tie has toothpaste on it."

Mike looks down. "Shit." He tries to rub it off and only makes it worse. "Fuck."

"Let me get you another one. And stop worrying about being late, nobody cares if you're late, or at least, nobody is going to say anything to you about it. Stay here," Harvey orders as he goes to grab a tie from the bedroom.

"I'm not worried about being late," Mike yells after him.

Harvey comes back out with a tie in hand. "Then what _are_ you worried about?"

"Louis has a deposition that I was planning to sit in on."

"Why? It's Louis' shit, let him handle his own for once. Or is this one of those things where you talked to the client for five minutes, had a moment, and fell in love with them?"

"I didn't fall in love. I just want things to go right."

"They will. Come here," Harvey says as he places the tie around Mike's neck, adjusting and straightening his collar over it and tieing it for him. "There you go."

"Thanks."

"What time is this deposition anyway?"

Mike looks at his watch. "In an hour."

"An hour? Unless you're getting your bike out of storage and riding it there, you have plenty of time."

Mike takes a deep breath and exhales. "Yeah, you're right. I just like giving myself somewhat of a cushion."

Harvey grabs Mike's tie and uses it to pull him into a kiss. "You've got time," he reiterates, before kissing him once more. 

"Not if you keep kissing me like that."

Harvey takes a step back and away from him. "All right, I'll let you go."

"Okay. I love you and look forward to seeing you at work later."

"I love you, too."

"And Harvey? I am so proud of you for going to therapy."

"Okay, okay, let's not get mushy. Get your ass to work."

"I'm going, I'm going," Mike says, stepping forward and giving Harvey a peck on the lips before turning and heading for the door. Harvey follows him there and says goodbye one more time before closing the door behind him. 

With Mike gone, the silence in the house is deafening. He looks at the clock on the stove. He's still got plenty of time to kill before he has to leave for therapy. Not that he's in a rush to go, but he does want to get it over with. He knows that's not the attitude to have about therapy, but there's never been a point in his life where he hasn't found it agonizing to talk about how he feels. It doesn't mean he's not going to take it seriously, because he is. He wants it to work. More than anything. 

\-----

The first thing Mike does when he gets to work is to seek out Louis and make sure they're still good for the deposition. He had worried that him not showing up at work the other day ago was something that Louis was going to use against him or use an excuse to punish him by not allowing him to do the deposition now, but to his surprise, he doesn't bring it up, just reminds Mike of the time.  
Since Mike has a little bit of time to spare, he goes back to his own office and decides to give Sean a call. 

It rings, over and over again until voicemail picks up. 

_"Hey Sean, it's Mike. Just was calling to check up on you. I know you're pissed at me and you have every right to be, I was a total asshole and I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry, which I know probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but I do mean it. I feel awful. Anyway, I'll stop talking now. Please give me a call back whenever you get a chance. I miss talking to you. Okay. Bye."_

Sighing, Mike leans back in his chair and rubs a hand over his face in frustration, still kicking himself for being such a fucking idiot. After mentally berating himself for a minute or two, he sits back up, knowing he has to push all of this to the side so he can focus on getting prepared for the deposition. 

\-----

The deposition goes well. He doesn't know if it would have gone worse if he wasn't there, but he's glad he had gone nonetheless. Louis brought his A-game and they worked well together. He even thanks Mike afterward for accompanying him. Mike almost feels like he's in an alternate universe. 

He heads back to his office afterward and checks the time, Harvey should be at therapy now. He really hopes it goes well for him. Mike decides he'll wait a little bit and then give him a call or send him a text to see how things went and make sure he's okay. 

He has plenty of work to do, so he decides to dive into it to help pass the time until Harvey can come in. 

\-----

Mike is down in the copy room. He decides to call Harvey before he starts working through the stack of papers he needs copies of. 

Harvey doesn't answer. He tries not to overthink it. Maybe his session ran over, maybe he just didn't hear his phone. Mike leaves a quick voicemail telling him to call back as soon as he gets a chance before hanging up and grabbing the first paper and sticking it in the machine. 

-

There's still no sign of Harvey nearly an hour later and Mike is starting to worry. He decides to give him another call. 

Still no answer. 

He grabs his suit jacket from the back of the chair and puts it back on, before heading out the door to go back home to check on him. He's halfway down the hallway when he sees Harvey walking towards him.

"Jesus, Harvey. Have you ever heard of answering a phone?" he says as he approaches him.

"I brought you lunch," he says as he holds up a brown bag for Mike to see. "I was going to surprise you with it."

"You could at least text me. I was worried."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

They walk side by side back to the office. Once they're inside, Mike shuts the door behind them. 

"I take it therapy went okay?"

Harvey is working on pulling things out of the bag and setting them on the table. "They didn't lock me up, so I guess it went well enough."

Mike walks over to where Harvey is standing. "Have you been drinking?" He had smelled it on him when they were walking down the hallway.

"One drink. I had _one_ drink after. That's all," Harvey explains. He senses an impending lecture coming from Mike. 

"I don't think it's good that therapy seems to drive you to drink every week."

"Okay, fine, I'll stop going to therapy then. I mean what the hell do you want me to do? I'm trying."

"Was it really just one drink?"

"Yes. Just one."

"Well, are you high then?"

"What? No."

"Then what's with all the greasy food?" Mike asks, noting the burgers and fries Harvey had brought.

"I can take it back and get you a salad if you prefer."

"No, no, no. I mean it's already here, so we might as well eat it."

"That's what I thought. How'd your deposition go, by the way? Did you save the damsel in distress? And to clarify, I mean the client, not Louis."

"Not yet, but we're in a good position to be able to do just that. And Louis actually crushed it in there. He probably could have even done it without my assist if I'm being honest."

"All right, I take it back. I think I might actually be drunk, after all."

"C'mon, be nice. And hand me those fries," Mike says, reaching over and plucking a fry from the bag and shoving it in his mouth.

They eat lunch and get some work done in the process. This is the best mood Harvey has been in after therapy, and Mike hates that there's a small part of him that wonders if he even went. He pushes the part that thinks that way down and buries it because it's unfair. He decides that he trusts that he did go, and maybe it's just that it's starting to get easier for him to go.

Maybe things were finally starting to go their way.

\-----

They find routine over the next two weeks. Harvey comes into the office about 3 times a week to help Mike out, and each time he seems willing to do a little more than he had the time before. He continues going to therapy and seems to be dealing with things better overall. 

He is still drinking, but not every day. Usually, it's after he's had a nightmare. He'll tell Mike to go back to sleep, tell him he just needs some air and time alone and he'll grab a whiskey bottle and a glass and go sit out on the balcony and drink until he can sleep again. 

It's a problem that needs a solution, but neither of them is sure what exactly that solution entails. Mike is more inclined to let it slide because Harvey's been trying so hard with every other aspect. 

-

Sean still hasn't returned any of Mike's calls, and he's left several. Probably more than he should have, mostly because he's worried. It's not like Sean to not respond to him. Of course, it's highly likely that he's just finally gotten sick of Mike's shit and is giving him the silent treatment, but regardless, it will eat at him until he knows for sure.

He decides to just show up at Sean's place on a morning that he knows he will be home. 

Mike knocks. And nobody comes. He repeats the process with the same result. 

He gets his phone out and decides to text him.

_i'm sitting outside your place. not leaving until i talk to you._

He hits send and sits down in front of the door and waits. After thirty minutes Sean shows up with a bag of groceries in his hand.

"What the hell are you doing here, Mike?"

Mike scrambles to get to his feet. He brushes off his pants with his hand. "Waiting for you. You haven't been answering my calls."

Sean takes out his keys and unlocks the door. "Did it ever occur to you that there's a reason I haven't been responding to you?"

"I know there's a reason."

"Go home, Mike," Sean says as he pushes the door open and steps inside. He goes to close it and Mike stops it with his hand. "Sean. Please?"

He doesn't even bother making a compelling argument. Just _Sean. Please._ and a pair of sad blue eyes. It works all the same. Sean opens the door and allows him to come inside.

Sean walks to the kitchen and drops his bag down on the counter, immediately working on emptying things out of it and moving around the kitchen to be put away.

"Your face is looking better."

"The healing power of time."

"I'm so sorry about what I said to you. I didn't mean it, and you certainly didn't deserve it."

Sean doesn't say anything, just continues opening and closing cabinet doors and putting things in their rightful place. 

"What can I do to make you forgive me?"

"I already forgave you. You were drunk. It doesn't matter."

"Well, you sound like it still matters. And it sure as shit doesn't sound like you have forgiven me."

Sean stops what he's doing and rests his hands on the counter in front of where Mike's standing. "I forgive you," he says in a softer tone. "There. Better?"

"I don't know. Are you going to start talking to me again?"

"I'm talking to you right now, am I not?"

"You know what I mean."

Sean sighs. "Yes, I'll talk to you."

"Thank you. I know I don't deserve the things you've done for me, but I am appreciative of them."

"I know," he says, as he picks up a half-gallon of almond milk and sticks it in the fridge. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"No, I'm good. I can't stay very long."

Sean grabs out water, twists the cap off, and takes a drink from it before going back over to where Mike is standing. "So. How are things going with you?"

"Good. Like genuinely good. It almost doesn't feel real."

"Really?" Sean responds, clearly skeptical. 

"Really. Harvey's even back at work, I mean it's just for a couple of hours a week, but still. And he's going to therapy twice a week and I don't know, I think it might be starting to help him."

"Good. What about you? How's your therapy going?"

"I haven't called," Mike sheepishly admits. " I mean, things are going good right now. I don't feel like it's something I need."

Sean sighs, he doesn't say anything, but it's laden with enough disappointment that he doesn't have to. 

"How are things with you?"

"Fine."

"That's it? Fine? Is something wrong?"

"How do you get something being wrong from me telling you things are fine?"

"I didn't. But you just seem a little different. Like something is bothering you."

"Nothing is bothering me. I'm just tired. It's been a long couple of days with work."

"Okay. You do know you can talk to me about anything, right? God knows I've dumped enough of my problems on you. I'd be more than happy to return the favor."

"Nothing's wrong, Mike."

"All right. The offer stands. Ah, but anyway, I should probably get going. I have some errands I need to run. You should go take a hot bath and a long nap if you can."

"Yeah, maybe. Here, let me walk you to the door."

They both walk to the door. Sean leads the way and opens the door for him. 

"So, I guess I'll talk to you later?"

"Sure."

"Can I give you a hug?"

"It's probably better if you don't."

"Oh. Okay. Um, you take care, Sean."

"I will. Goodbye, Mike."

"Bye."

Sean closes the door shut behind him. Even though they seem to have cleared the air, the visit isn't as comforting as Mike had hoped it would be. Something seems off with Sean. Of course, it could just be residual anger still trickling through despite his forgiveness, or Sean could really just be tired, Mike imagines he had to play catch-up at work because of the days he missed because of what Harvey had done, so it's not exactly far-fetched.

Either way, it's something Mike plans on keeping an eye on. 

\-----

They have their first bad day in a long time the day after Mike's visit with Sean. He knows it's a mere a coincidence, but he can't help but think he jinxed himself by telling Sean how great everything was going.

Mike wakes up to find Harvey already in a bad mood. And he's already at least three drinks in, which isn't a good sign. 

Mike tries to talk to him, find out what's going on, but realizes quickly that Harvey isn't in the mood for talking and that everything that he says or does is going to be wrong and it's only going to end up in a huge fight. 

He decides that the best thing he can do is give him space. He gets ready and heads into work and hopes that while he's gone Harvey can work through whatever it is that's currently aggravating him so much. 

-

Mike has sent Harvey multiple texts and tried calling him several times while he was at work, but he didn't get any sort of response which makes him leary as to what he will be going home to.

The door isn't locked when he gets home and the entire apartment is dark, so he flips lights on as he goes, and proceeds with caution. He hears Harvey talking to somebody and follows the sound of his voice. It leads him to the guest room. The door isn't shut completely so Mike gets close enough to be able to peak through the crack. 

Harvey is sitting on the edge of the bed. He's still talking, but Mike can't make out anything that he's saying. He looks for a cell phone in his hand, or anywhere close by, but there's nothing. His heart sinks deep in his chest when he realizes what is happening.

Harvey is talking to Luke. Or thinks he's talking to him anyway. Mike knows it's something that had happened before, but always thought it was more of a one-off thing. He's never seen Harvey do it after the whole basement thing, and Harvey's never brought it up or mentioned it happening again, so Mike assumed it had stopped.

He leans closer to the door in an attempt to be able to hear what he's saying and accidentally bumps the door so that it squeaks as it inches farther open.

Harvey's head instantly turns towards the direction of the door. "Mike?"

Mike scurries away from the door as fast as humanly possible, not wanting Harvey to know that he had witnessed any of it.

Mike starts picking up a few of the things that have been knocked to the floor and attempting to straighten things back up as a guise to look busy when Harvey comes out from the room. 

"Hey. I thought I heard you. Did you just get home?"

"Yeah. I literally just walked through the door and was coming to find you and then I thought I heard you talking to someone, so I didn't want to interrupt." Mike figures he'll see if Harvey's willing to offer up the truth. 

"That was just Donna on the phone. She called me to see if when we could have that coffee we'd talked about."

"Oh. Okay." 

"How was work?" Harvey asks, and Mike figures he wants to get off that subject as quickly as possible. He closes the distance between them, and wraps his arms around Mike's waist, pulling him close so he's firmly pressed up against him. 

"It was fine. Would have been better with you there."

"Tomorrow I will be," Harvey says, leaning forward to kiss Mike. Mike turns his head to avoid it. He pushes Harvey's hands down and away from his waist. "I need to start dinner."

"Wow."

"Wow, what?"

"Nothing, it just seems like every time I try to touch you or be intimate with you, you want nothing to do with me."

"That's not true. As I said, I just want to get dinner started. Besides, you're drunk. I recall you turning me down when I was drunk the other night."

"That was different."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"Whatever, Harvey," Mike says before going over to the freezer and opening it to find something to make. He really needs to go grocery shopping. He opens the fridge next, and there's not much of a choice there either.

He walks over and reaches up into the cabinet, and while he's looking he feels Harvey's presence near him. Before he can turn around Harvey starts slowly kissing his neck, lips roaming over his smooth skin. It sends a chill through his entire body, which only encourages him to continue doing it. "Harvey," Mike breathes. "Stop."

"No," Harvey replies, continuing to suck on his neck hard enough that it was sure to leave a mark. 

"Okay, okay," Mike says, managing to free himself from Harvey's grasp. "I don't want to do this with you right now."

"Your moans say otherwise."

"Well, I'm saying no now, okay?"

"What if I don't care?"

"What?" 

"What if you don't get a say in it?"

"Knock it off. You're being weird. I'm going to get you some water so you can start sobering up."

Mike turns so he can go grab a glass out of the cabinet for the water and when he does Harvey grabs his arm, pins it behind him, and drives him forward until he has him bent over the kitchen counter, his other hand pushing his head down so that he's pinned there, unable to move. 

Mike's breath leaves him in a shaking expel. "H-Harvey. St-stop." 

Harvey quickly lets go of his arm and then the rest of the pressure that is weighing on him is suddenly gone too. Mike doesn't move.

"Oh my god," Harvey mouths, "what am I doing? I-I need to go. I need--I need to be away from you."

Mike stands up from the counter and quickly straightens himself out. Harvey is halfway down the hallway by the time he does so. Mike wants to call out and tell him to stop but the words are all stuck in his throat. 

The door opens and then slams shut in his face.

-

It's late afternoon the next day when Harvey comes back. He walks in to find Mike slumped over, fast asleep at the kitchen counter with his cell phone gripped firmly in his hand, most likely waiting for any kind of message from Harvey. 

Harvey sits the carrier with two coffees in it down and approaches him. He rubs his back softly. "Hey, Mike."

Mike jerks awake at the sound, cell phone sliding out of his hand. He takes in his surroundings and realizes where he is and who is with him. "Harvey?"

"Why don't you let me help get you to a bed?"

"I'm not tired," Mike denies as a yawn escapes his mouth and betrays his words.

"Okay. How about the couch then?"

"Okay."

Harvey helps him off the barstool and walks him over the couch, where he practically falls into it. Harvey adjusts the pillow for him and gives him a blanket. 

"Sit down with me," Mike says.

Harvey doesn't protest and sits down. There is a long stretch of silence after that. Harvey finally decides to break it.

"I don't know what to say or where to start. I want to apologize to you, but I can't help to think my apologies probably don't mean all that much to you anymore and I know that I only have myself to blame for that being the case. But I am sorry. So sorry."

"Do you still mean it when you say you're sorry?"

"Of course I do."

"Then they still mean something to me. If I'm being honest, I'm still not even entirely sure what happened. It happened so fast. Why did you do it? Why did you say those things to me?"

Harvey let's out a deep breath before speaking. "I don't know, Mike. It's just that sometimes, I get these urges. I guess that's what you'd call them, anyway. They're...dark. They scare the shit out of me," Harvey explains, as he nervously bites at his bottom lip. "But at the same time, I think I might like the way they make me feel. I feel--"

"In control?"

Harvey nods. "Amongst...other things."

"Do you ever talk about these..." Mike swallows hard, "urges in therapy?"

"Yeah, sometimes. I mean as much as I can."

"Are they just about me? Is it something I'm doing wrong?"

"God no. Don't ever blame yourself for the things I do."

"And you shouldn't blame yourself for the things Luke did to you.

Harvey realizes that Mike just inadvertently compared him to Luke, which would normally be something that hurts, but the only part that hurts now is knowing it's something he can't exactly refute.

"Did I hurt you? When I, you know..." he trails off.

"No, I'm okay. You let go pretty quickly. I know you didn't want to hurt me," Mike justifies on his behalf.

"I'm sorry," Harvey says, "we were doing so good, at least it seemed like it, but I fucked it all up."

"We can get back on track. Forget any of it happened."

"You can't just _forget_ something like that, Mike."

"Well, we can move past it then. Who cares? We shouldn't let one bad day negate all the progress we've been making."

Harvey looks at Mike, who is looking back at him so sincerely, with such fucking _hope_ in his eyes that it feels like a knife in the gut because he feels so goddamn undeserving of any of it.

Mike slips his hand into Harvey's and rests his head on his shoulder. Harvey had expected this to be a harder conversation, with a lot more questions coming from Mike, but deep down he knows the lack of questions is because Mike's scared of what the answers could be, and that is certainly something a feeling that he can relate to. 

"I love you. You know that, right?"

Mike sighs heavily. "I know you do. I love you, too."

The way Mike forgives him; always too fast and too easily is the flaw that is likely to destroy them both.

\-----

Harvey had told Mike that you just can't forget things like that, but maybe he can forget as easily as he can remember because they're only four days out from that night and things are back to normal. Or the version of normal they had recently found and started to grow accustomed to, anyway.

They're back at work. Harvey isn't drinking excessively. He is still going to therapy. 

Things are okay again.

-

On a random Tuesday Harvey gets a phone call from a number he only recognizes enough to know that it's familiar to him. He answers.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Sean."

"You've got the wrong number, Cahill."

"No, I don't. I need to talk to you, Harvey."

"Okay? So talk. Make it quick."

"It needs to be in person."

"Do you really think that's a good idea considering how our last in-person talk ended?"

"It's important. I wouldn't risk putting myself in that same position again if it wasn't. Can you come by my place tomorrow afternoon?"

There is a long pause.

"Are you still there?" Sean asks.

"I'm still here," Harvey responds, pausing again before finally agreeing. "I guess I can come."

"Good. And Harvey?"

"What?"

"You can't let Mike know about this either."

"Why? What the hell are you planning on doing to me, Sean?"

"Just don't tell him. Okay?"

"Fine. Whatever. I won't tell him."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay," Harvey says before hanging up.


	50. Chapter 50

Harvey is no stranger to lying to Mike, but lying to Mike at the behest of Sean Cahill is certainly something new. 

He does it nonetheless. He tells Mike that after therapy he has an errand to run and that he will probably be a little later than usual in getting to work. Mike doesn't question it at all, either because he believes him or because he knows that it wouldn't matter if he didn't.

-

After Mike goes to work, Harvey sits at home and thinks about skipping therapy. The whole uncertainty of whatever it is that Sean has in store for him has started to mess with his head a little and he's not sure he has the energy to deal with both therapy and Sean.

In the end, he forces himself to go, knowing that if he can talk himself into skipping one session, it could easily lead to skipping two, and then it's easier to just stop going altogether. He doesn't want to allow himself to fall into that trap.

After he's finished, he gets in a cab and heads directly to Sean's place. 

-

Standing outside his apartment door, Harvey hesitates to knock. He wants to prepare himself, but it's hard to prepare yourself for something you're walking into blindly.

He knocks. 

A few moments later, he hears the door being unlocked before slowly opening with Sean standing behind it. He looks tired, and generally more worse for wear than Harvey is used to seeing him. There is still slight evidence of bruising on his face. Harvey tries to ignore the pang of guilt that travels through him.

"Hey. Come in." Sean moves out of the way so Harvey can step through. He walks in, cautiously, almost like he's expecting something terrible to happen at any second.

"Why don't you sit down, make yourself comfortable," Sean suggests. 

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather just stand. I don't plan on being here long."

"Harvey, please sit down."

Harvey begrudgingly walks over and sits down on the couch. He makes sure to stay seated as close to the edge as possible. Always ready to run.

"Thank you," Sean says, "can I get you something to drink?"

"Cut the bullshit, Sean. Why did you ask me to come here?"

Sean sits down in the chair adjacent to Harvey. "We need to talk."

"Because our talks have gone so well in the past."

"They have. We used to, or at least I _thought_ we used to be friends. And then this whole ordeal happened with you and--"

Harvey scoffs at his word choice. " _Ordeal_?"

"Sorry. I don't know what else to call it. But am I wrong? Were we not friends?"

"I don't know if I would call you a friend so much as a means to an end. I needed Mike out, and I needed you to do it."

The words land how Harvey expected them to, and Sean looks dejected and even a little thrown off, it takes him a moment to gather himself before responding.

"Okay, fine, perhaps I misread things and I wasn't ever your friend, but I wasn't your enemy either. I know that much. How did we end up like this?"

"I don't know, Sean. Maybe it's the fact that while I was tied up in a basement you were busy trying to wine and dine the man I love. Or maybe it's the fact that your pathetic need to white knight for Mike resulted in somebody dying right in front of my eyes. I held his goddamn dead body. Do you know what that feels like? The fucking images that stay in your head? There's no forgetting or moving on from that shit," Harvey shouts, his voice betraying him and making anger sound like sadness.

"Harvey," Sean says, his tone soft and apologetic. "I was only ever trying to help. I didn't try to wine and dine, Mike, I just occasionally offered him a distraction and admittedly it was also a way for me to make sure he was still at least eating something. Most days he just drank all his meals. He was in bad shape."

"And what were you getting out of it? The hope that he would feel indebted to you for doing it? That you could use it to get him in bed with you?"

"No, I did it because he didn't have anybody else!" Sean yells and the suddenness and unexpectedness of it make Harvey flinch. "He was all alone and I felt bad for him. And I don't really give a shit what you believe because that is _all_ there was to it."

Sean sees a flicker of something on Harvey's face. Empathy, maybe. It's gone in a second, but it had been there.

"Just listen to me, okay? As bad as Mike was that first time, when you disappeared again he was much, much worse. I don't think you need to look further than the fact that he ended up with a fucking _gun_ to get an idea of just _how_ bad it was. Even after he was tied up at that cabin by Luke, left with his head bleeding for days, he came home and talked about contacting him again. I was desperate to help him and to keep him safe, so yes, I talked him into speaking to a detective. I certainly didn't do it thinking anybody would die because of it. How could I have possibly known that?"

They both go quiet after that. Tension hangs in the air, thick and overbearing. The atmosphere feels suffocating.

"I'm going home," Harvey finally says, moving to get up.

"Tell me about the deal you made with him," Sean says. It's enough to stop Harvey. He eases himself back down onto the couch.

"What deal?" 

"The night we fought, you said you should have given him to me. That was about the deal, wasn't it?"

"That whole night is a blur, I don't remember saying anything like that."

"Three months. That's how long he wanted me for, right?"

Harvey's eyes widen and his brows scrunched together in confusion. "How the hell could you possibly know about that? I never even told Mike about it."

"So, it's true then?"

Harvey nods, there's no sense in denying it now. "Yes, it's true. But it's also irrelevant."

"Why didn't you just let him take me? You don't give a shit about me, so why sacrifice yourself for me?"

"Because you're _weak_. He would have _destroyed_ you."

Sean's eyes narrow. He leans forward in his chair in a way that makes Harvey want to shrink back in his. "I don't think that's what it is. I think it's because you're a good person who couldn't let what was done to you happen to anybody else."

Harvey's mouth feels dry and sticky. "Is that what you think? Tell me, was I a good person when I beat the shit out of you? What about when I was tying Mike up in a basement?"

"Those things weren't good, but we were both willing to forgive you for them because we know that you in those moments, is not who you are as a person."

"You don't know shit about who I am. And I don't recall asking for or wanting your forgiveness either. As for Mike, I don't know if there's anything he _wouldn't_ forgive me for at this point, so it's not really the best example there, now is it, Sean?"

There is a long pause in which neither of them says anything after that. 

"Tell me how you know about the deal."

Sean looks hesitant about telling him. "Please," Harvey adds.

"I received a letter from Luke."

"What?"

"It was left in an envelope outside my door shortly after he died. But, I never opened it until recently."

"Why not?"

"I wanted to move on from all of this and didn't think anything good could come from it."

"So why now?"

"I don't know. I was off a few days after our fight and was in my head about everything and curiosity got the best of me."

"This doesn't make any sense. How could he send a letter _after_ he died? It's not like he knew he was going to die."

"Maybe he did," Sean offers. "Or maybe he had planned ahead and had designated somebody to deliver it in the event of his death."

"Like who?"

"How should I know? It's not exactly like it had a return address on it."

Harvey goes silent as he struggles to wrap his head around things. None of it makes sense to him. Luke didn't expect to die, they had long conversations where Luke talked to him about getting away, traveling somewhere new, how he would miss Harvey after he'd left him for that final time. His plan wasn't to die in front of him. He knows that much. Or maybe he doesn't know anything at all. He roughly drags a hand through his hair. He can feel a headache closing in on him. "Do you still have it. The letter?"

"Yeah, I have it, but--"

"Can I read it?"

"I don't know if there's a point. It's just him putting a lot of blame on me for you being there in my place. And accusing me of trying to get with Mike."

"I want to see it, Sean. Please. I don't have anything left from him."

It sounds like an even worse idea when Harvey phrases it like that. But he looks vulnerable in a way that Sean hasn't seen him look since he'd gone and come back, so he relents. "Okay. Give me a second and I'll go get it."

He gets up from his chair and disappears down the hallway, coming back shortly after with an envelope in his hand. He holds it out and Harvey takes it from him.

Harvey slowly opens up the envelope and pulls out the piece of paper inside it, unfolds it, and starts to read.

Sean observes him closely, watches the slight shake of his hands, and the way his chin starts to quiver as he progresses through it.

Harvey has tears pricking at the corner of his eyes by the time he finishes. He wipes them away before they can escape and folds the letter back up and lays it on his lap.

"You know, I will say that he comes across as very protective of you in that letter. And even knowing what I know about him and some of the things that he's done, it was easy to find myself being manipulated by his words into believing that he really did care about you. I can only imagine how strong his influence was when it wasn't just words on paper."

"Why does everybody find it so hard to believe that he cared about me?"

"Because of what he did to you."

"You don't even know what he did to me, stop acting like you do."

"I know enough. I know how much he hurt you. I know you have scars. I know he kept you away from Mike for seven long months. He robbed you of that time with him, and in a way, he's still robbing you of time with him."

"Just stop. What are you even doing? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Is that why you asked me to come here? Because if that was your goal, congratulations, it's working."

"No. That's not my intention at all. I was just hoping I could get through to you. That I could maybe help you in some way."

"You're not my therapist. I don't want or need your help."

"Okay. I'm sorry. I'm overstepping."

Sean considers it a victory in itself that Harvey has stayed and listened to him for as long as he has without it spiraling into an argument or something worse.

"Can I use your restroom real quick?"

"It's right down the hall, the last door on the right."

Harvey carefully places the letter next to him before getting up and heading the direction Sean pointed him in.

-

He closes the bathroom door and locks it behind him. He walks over to the sink and places his palms down on the cold porcelain and takes a few deep breaths. He feels overwhelmed and close to tears. The letter had certainly thrown him off, but Sean being kind to him is throwing him off just as much. After what he'd done to Sean, he wouldn't blame him if he'd want only the worst for him. But here Sean is, talking to him in soft tones and sounding so fucking _sincere_ about everything he says. He can now see why he gets along so well with Mike. 

He turns on the faucet and splashes some water on his face. He takes a few more deep breaths and waits until he feels calm enough to go back out. 

"I got you a glass of water," Sean says when he sees Harvey return. 

Harvey returns to his seat, picking up the letter and putting it back on his lap to keep it close by. "Thanks." Harvey picks up the glass of water next and takes a small sip from it.

"Can I ask you something?"

"I feel like you're going to anyway."

"Luke didn't know me. I only ever encountered him once, and I had no clue who he was at the time. Yet, in that letter, he says a lot of things that are similar to the things you say about me, like only helping with the prison thing because I wanted Mike for myself, or that I took advantage of Mike while he was in a vulnerable state. Which, none of that is true, but why did he seem to target me so much. And why believe anything he said?"

There's a part of him that wants to avoid the question altogether or respond with a passive-aggressive answer like he normally would but that part is drowned out by the even bigger part that realizes that Sean is owed an honest answer, despite not wanting to open up as much as it will take to be able to give him one. 

"For so long he was the only voice I heard. He was in my ear and in my head constantly telling me horrible things for months. He'd say Mike isn't looking for me, that he's moved on. Or that even if he is and by some miracle he found me, he wouldn't want me anymore because I was broken. Different variations of that over and over." Harvey starts to get a little choked up. "Normally I wouldn't believe any of those things, because I _know_ who Mike is and I _know_ he loves me but he had me so mentally broken down that I started to question all of it. The things he was saying started to make sense. Why _wouldn't_ Mike move on? Why _would_ Mike want me? Why would _anyone_? I _am_ broken." Harvey swallows down the growing lump in his throat and wipes at his eyes. Sean reaches across the coffee table and pushes a box of Kleenex towards him.

Harvey doesn't take one, instead, continuing. "When he finally let me go home, he would make me meet him places, as one of the terms of letting me go, but that's not the point. The point is that he figured out who you are. He knew Mike had spent time with you. So you became someone he could use to get under my skin. And it worked. Especially after I saw how you interacted with Mike. I know that he'd never admit it, but I make Mike so sad sometimes, I know I do, I can just see it in his face. So, seeing him laugh and look happy around you felt particularly devastating to me."

"I'm sorry."

Harvey frantically wipes at the tears that have started to spill from his eyes. "You didn't do anything to be sorry for," he assures.

"I know, but I'm sorry you had to go through any of it."

"Yeah, well, what's done is done." Harvey feels open and vulnerable and is desperate to escape that feeling. He looks down at his watch, but only so he can use it as an excuse to go. "I should probably get going soon. Mike's waiting for me at the office."

"Of course. I appreciate you coming here and being willing to just talk. And listen."

"Why didn't you want me to tell Mike?"

"I just know he would have thought it's a bad idea, considering how our last meeting ended up."

"Am I still supposed to keep it a secret?"

"Unless you have plans to punch me on the way out, I think you're okay telling him if that's something you want to do. I think he might appreciate knowing we were able to hash things out a little while remaining civil."

"I think he'd like that, too. What about the letter?"

"It's yours now. It's up to you," Sean pauses for a second, a thought suddenly occurring to him, "do you think he ever got a letter from him?"

"Pretty sure if he did, that would have come up in conversation by now. By the way, I wanted to ask this earlier, before we ended up sidetracked, in the letter he mentions a flash drive. Do you have that? What's on it?"

"Uh, yeah, that. It didn't ever work, so I have no clue what's on it. I think it's probably corrupted."

"If you want to go get it for me, I can take it home and take a look."

"I honestly am not sure where it is right now. I misplaced it somewhere when I was moving things around."

Harvey's skills as a lawyer might be a little rusty, but his people reading skills have remained untouched by that rust and he knows that Sean isn't being truthful.

"Why are you lying to me?"

"What? I'm not lying."

"You can barely even look at me, Sean. You tensed up the second I brought it up. What exactly are you trying to hide from me and why?"

"I'm not hiding anything from you."

"How can you lie to me? I just sat there on your couch and was completely honest with you. Why can't you do the same for me now?"

"Because I don't want to do something that's going to potentially hurt you."

"You realize I was tortured in a basement for months? I think I can handle anything that's on there. In fact, it's pretty goddamn insulting that you think I can't."

"Harvey, please just let it go."

"I can't. And you're actually starting to scare me by _not_ telling me. What's on there that could be more terrible than anything I've already been through?"

Sean just stands there staring back at Harvey, and he looks so nervous that it's making Harvey's stomach start to knot up. 

Harvey looks at Sean with desperate, pleading eyes. "Tell me."

"I need you to sit down."

Harvey is convinced Sean has to be being overdramatic about this whole thing and him asking to sit down doesn't do that notion any favors. Harvey follows Sean back over to the couch and sits down. 

Sean can barely bring himself to make eye contact. He knows this is a mistake. He doesn't want to do it, but here he is about to do it anyway. He wishes he would have never given him the letter. He wishes he could have been a more convincing liar. He wishes he could lie now, but he suspects Harvey would suss him out just as quickly. 

"Sean? I promise it's okay," Harvey says soothingly, "just tell me."

"I don't know how to say it."

"So then go get the flash drive and just let me look myself."

Sean shakes his head. "It's a video of you and Luke."

"What? What do you mean a video of me and Luke?"

You can sugar coat poison but it's still poison, so Sean comes right out and says it. "It's a video of him raping you. You're in a bedroom with him and he's on top of you and I don't know, I think you might be drunk or even unconscious, I-I don't know, I couldn't watch for long."

Something invisible hits Harvey's chest with enough force to take his breath away and the ground practically falls out from underneath him. 

"You're lying," Harvey says, his voice unsteady.

"I'm not. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for because you're a goddamn liar," Harvey shouts. His anger is fueled by denial, but underneath the anger, Harvey is teetering on the edge of despair because he knows that Sean wouldn't lie about something like this. "I need to see it."

"Harvey..."

"Go get me the goddamn flash drive, Sean. I am not going to ask you a second time." Harvey tries to sound threatening, but his voice is shaking, and his breathing is starting to become erratic.

Nevertheless, it works, and Sean gets up and goes, blatant hesitation in his every step.

It feels like he's gone forever. Harvey thinks maybe this is all a nightmare. That maybe he'll soon find himself shooting up in bed, drenched in sweat, and he would welcome that alternative. 

He doesn't wake up, and a few seconds later Sean reappears carrying a laptop. He brings it over and sits down right next to him this time. Harvey tries to hide his trembling hands from him. 

Sean opens up the laptop, moves the mouse around, and then angles it so Harvey can view the screen. "I don't think you should do this."

"I don't care. Play it."

Sean reluctantly does.

Watching it playback somehow seems more devastating than experiencing it first hand had been. He was so in and out of it from being drugged that the worst parts of it had become a blur. But now, here it all was, all the blurring is gone and everything now put in perfect focus. 

Luke is so rough with him, and Harvey looks all but lifeless beneath the weight of him, the ability to fight back stolen from him before it had even all begun. As Luke thrusts into him mercilessly, there's an occasional whimper that can be heard and a barely-there 'stop' that slips through and it makes his stomach clench.

Harvey squeezes his eyes shut tight and tears leak out from under his eyelids. His breathing starts to become increasingly labored with each passing second. Sean quickly slams the lid of the computer shut, but Harvey is already choking and gasping for air. His chest is rising and falling at an accelerated pace. Harvey stands up and takes a few steps. 

He tries to say something but it only comes out in hitched sobs. He tries over and over, but can't even manage to get past the first word. 

Sean is starting to feel panicked just watching Harvey because he doesn't know how to help him. He's helped or at least thought he helped Mike through a few panic attacks, but this seems like something else. It doesn't help that the second he gets close to him, Harvey moves away. 

"You have to breathe, Harvey," he says in as calm as a voice as he can muster at the moment. 

"Oh...oh my...oh my god," he gasps. 

He eventually backs himself up against a wall, which allows him to be able to immediately collapse down against it. He lets out a shuddering breath. "Oh my...god."

He says it over and over again between the shaky breaths he's still struggling with. Sean notices he doesn't cry. There are tears in his eyes, and occasionally they streak down his face, but he's not sobbing. He doesn't know if that's a good thing or if he should be more concerned. It almost seems like he's in shock.

"Oh my god."

He repeats it like a mantra, and it sounds more devastating every time he says it. Like the reality of what he just witnessed is becoming more apparent each time.

After about 15 minutes, Harvey's breathing slowly starts to regulate itself. He lifts his head to look up at Sean who is standing close by on the off chance that Harvey had needed anything at all from him. 

"I'm okay," Harvey says to him. He sits there a moment longer before getting himself up off of the floor. He seems a little shaky. Sean extends a hand, in case he wants it, but he manages fine on his own. 

"I'm going to take it with me," he states before walking across the floor to the computer and removing the flash drive and stuffing it into his pocket. "Do you--," Harvey pauses, sounding afraid to ask the rest of the question. "Do you think there are other copies of this?"

"I don't know," Sean answers honestly.

The look on Harvey's face makes him wish he had tried for something, _anything_ other than honesty.

"I need to go. I need to see Mike."

"Are you sure you're okay, Harvey? You don't want to... talk about it or anything like that?"

"I'm okay. I told you I'd be okay. And I am." 

It's not a convincing argument. "Why don't you let me give you a ride to work? It's the least I can do."

"No, it's okay, Sean. I'm okay. You've done enough."

"It wouldn't be any trouble at all."

"I said I'm okay," he says firmly. He immediately softens his voice right after to add, "but thank you. For our talk today. And for telling me even if you didn't want to." He pauses. "And most of all thank you for taking care of Mike when I wasn't able to. You've been a really good friend to him," his voice cracks, emotions seeping into his words.

"Of course."

Harvey scrubs a hand over his face. "I have to get out of here."

Harvey walks to the door and opens it and is on his way out when Sean calls to him. "Hey, Harvey?"

Harvey turns around and looks at him.

"Can you text me to let me know you get to work safely?"

"Sure. See you, Sean," Harvey says not waiting for a response before stepping out and pulling the door closed behind him. 

\----

Mike has his head down, a pen dangling from his mouth, and is pouring over a case file when his phone starts to ring and pulls him away from his work. 

_Harvey calling..._

"Hey, Harvey."

"Hey."

"What's up? Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Do you mind if I bail on you today? I'm just feeling drained."

"From therapy?"

"I guess. It's been kind of a hard day."

"You want me to come home? We could chill on the couch together."

"No, you don't have to do that. I think I'm going to take a nap."

"Are you sure? I would be down for a nap, too."

"It's fine, stay at work. Be productive for both of us."

"All right, I can do that. Want me to bring anything home for dinner?"

"Sure. If you want."

"What do you want?"

"Surprise me."

"You might regret saying that."

"What's one more regret? Anyway, I should let you get back to work."

"Harvey, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm just tired."

"Okay. Go get some sleep then. I'll be home in a few hours."

"I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, Harvey."

"Goodbye, Mike."

"Bye."

Mike leans back in his chair. Something had felt a little off with Harvey, but he didn't sound like he had been drinking, which was a good sign. Mike decides to not overthink things. He probably had a rough day with therapy and he said he was tired. It's a logical explanation and not everything has to be the end of the world.. Harvey had been doing good, so there's no reason to let his mind run wild with worst-case scenarios. 

Mike picks his pen back up and gets back to work.

A little while later he gets a call from Sean.

"Hello?" he answers.

"Hey. Are you busy right now?"

"Just going over a file. Why? What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to call and see how you are and apologize if I came off a little standoff-ish the other day."

"I just figured you were having a bad day, it's not a big deal. Not anything to apologize for."

"Is Harvey there with you?"

"You know you don't have to ask if he's in the room with me, right? I'm allowed to talk to you. But to answer your question, no, he's not. He's at home taking a nap."

"You talked to him?"

"Yeah, he called about twenty minutes ago."

"And how did he sound?"

"Okay, Sean, what the hell is up with all these sudden questions about Harvey? What am I missing here?"

Sean goes silent on the other end of the line. There's the fleeting thought that he should just tell Mike everything. But it's just that, fleeting. "Nothing. I was just curious."

Mike sees Louis quickly approaching his office. "Shit."

"What?"

"I have to go, Louis is coming."

"Can you call me back later?"

"Yeah, I will. Gotta go," he says before quickly disconnecting the call.

\-----

He'd come home to an empty house. He didn't jump to the worst-case scenario and had hoped that maybe Harvey had gone for a walk, but the later it got with no sign of him returning the more evident it had become that Harvey had lied to him once again and was either at a bar somewhere, or he had once again strayed back to Luke's. The reality is he is probably drinking himself into unconsciousness while sitting in the basement where so many horrible things had happened to him and finding some sort of comfort in it.

Mike considers going there and bringing him home. That place scares him though. The Harvey he dealt with the one time he was there, was not the Harvey he knows and loves. He's scared if he goes again, he'll find that Harvey once more.

He thinks he could probably call Sean, and Sean would accompany him without questioning it. But he also just told Sean how good Harvey was doing, and he doesn't want that to have to change. He doesn't want to have to admit that it was something he was wrong about.

He sits on the couch and prepares himself for a long night of waiting.

At nearly 4 in the morning, he gets a phone call.

"Harvey, thank god," he answers it.

Mike hears the sound of the phone moving around, but not much else.

"Harvey, are you there?"

"Mike?" The voice is tiny and trembling and hardly sounds like Harvey.

"Yeah, it's Mike. Where are you?"

Harvey lets out an anguished sob. The sobbing quickly becomes more violent, hysterical even. Mike had seen and heard Harvey cry plenty of times before, but it was never anything like this. 

Mike tries to say the things that he's said to him before to calm him down, but it's all falling on deaf ears because Harvey is beyond inconsolable and sounds like he can't even catch a single breath let alone be able to listen to anything that Mike is saying or take any cues from him.

It's a long while before he can talk. Mike is forced to sit and helplessly listen to it all. The only thing he's grateful for is the fact that Harvey has stayed on the line. 

His breath hitches and the sobs finally began to die down.

"Harvey? Tell me where you are and I can come to get you, okay? Are you at Luke's?"

"I was wrong," Harvey says despondently. "I was so wrong."

"What were you wrong about?"

"Luke," he responds, barely able to get his name out before bursting into heavy sobs again. 

"Harvey, just tell me where you are. Let me come get you. Please."

Harvey draws in a shaky breath and lets it out with a sound that is something between a whimper and a sob. "I can't."

"Please, Harvey."

"I know he didn't care about me. I know that now."

"Are you there right now? Are you at Luke's?"

All Mike needs is a yes and he'll be in a car pushing the pedal to the floor, running every stoplight, and stop sign to get to him.

"All those things he did to me. Being tied up all the time. Putting all these disgusting scars on my body." He draws in another shaky breath, struggling to hold it together. " _Raping_ me." The words unravel him and heartwrenching uncontrollable sobbing ensues. 

All Mike can do is sit there and helplessly listen to him and says things like 'it's okay' when it's not. It's not fucking okay. None of this has ever been okay. 

His crying dies down after what feels like an eternity. "It's-it's not any of that. I could have forgiven him for any of it. I could have still convinced myself that he cared about me somehow." Harvey sucks in a gasp, stills himself long enough to continue. "You know what the worse thing is he did to me?"

"What?"

"He let me live."

Mike's heart sinks low in his chest until it felt like it may have landed somewhere in the pit of his stomach. "Stop. Don't say that."

"If he cared he would have just killed me. He wouldn't have made me have to live with all of this."

Mike has been trying to hold it together, stay calm, and be there for Harvey, but he is coming undone at a rapid pace. He is starting to panic. "Please tell me where you are. Pleasepleaseplease."

"I can't," Harvey reiterates. "I'm so sorry, Mike. I'm so sorry for all of it. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. And you--you changed my life in all the ways I never deserved. _God_ , I love you so fucking much." 

Harvey must have pulled the phone away from his mouth because everything sounds distant now. But Mike can make out muffled crying again. Sobs were wracking his body, robbing him of the ability to say anything else. 

"Harvey? Are you still there? Harvey?!"

Harvey doesn't say anything, but Mike hears the shuffling of the phone. 

"I don't know what happened that has you talking or thinking like this. But I promise you that we can work through it. I'll come and get you, bring you back home. We can get past whatever it is. Look at all that we've gone through already. Situations that seemed impossibly hopeless, that we ended up on the other side of. How you feel now is not how you'll feel forever. Just, please. I am _begging_ you to not do anything right now that cannot be undone. Please."

There's a long pause before Harvey speaks again.

"Tell me you love me."

The tears Mike had tried to hold back are now flowing freely down his cheeks. "Harvey, stop it. I know what you're trying to do. Knock it off," he says, desperation clear throughout his voice.

"Please, Mike. Tell me. I _need_ to hear it."

It's the only time Mike has ever hesitated to tell him. He has the sinking feeling that Harvey is only asking because he wants those to be the last words he hears. 

"Mike. Please," he says again.

In the end, he can't deny him it. "I love you, Harvey."

The call immediately disconnects and Mike is hit with the overwhelming feeling that he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life. Hands trembling, he attempts to re-dial the number and it goes straight to voice mail. He lets out a gut-wrenching scream. 

He scrambles to call Sean next, he's shaking so bad that he can barely hold on to the phone. It's late, he's probably asleep, what if he doesn't answer.

"Mike?"

Mike immediately starts to ramble. "Oh Sean, thank god. It-It's H-Harvey and he just called me and I don't know where he is and he's saying all this weird shit, and I-I think he might be trying to hurt himself but he won't tell me where the fuck he is and I don't know, I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm fucking freaking out. Please help me. You have to."

"Okay, calm down. Where do you think he's at? Did you notice if there were any other noises in the background?"

"No. I don't think so. It was quiet. I think he's at Luke's though. That's where he always goes."

"Are you okay to drive?"

"I-I think so. Yeah."

"Then get in your car and drive there. I will meet you there. Okay?"

"And what if he's not there? What if I'm wrong? And I fucked up any chance we had of getting to him in time?"

"You can't think like that, Mike. Just go get your keys and go. Focus on that."

"Okay. I'm going."

"Drive safely," Sean emphasizes.

\-----

Sean pulls up to Luke's and parks next to Mike's car. He must already be inside. He quickly gets out and goes up to the house. He checks the front door but it's locked so he walks around and sees that there is a side door hanging slightly open. He walks in that way and looks for Mike. 

He hopes what he's walking into is Mike having found Harvey, them both safe and sound in each other's arms. He doesn't want to consider any other scenario. 

He peaks into different rooms and opens doors as he walks through the house. He calls out Mike's name so that he knows he's here. 

A few minutes later Mike comes flying around the corner. Sweating and frantic. "He's not here," he screams hoarsely. "He's not fucking here."

"Are you--"

"Yes, I'm fucking sure, I've looked everywhere. Oh my god, oh my god, Sean. What the fuck am I going to do?" 

"Do you think he could be at that cabin? Does he ever go there?"

He was so sure that he was going to find Harvey here, that the thought never occurred to him that he might be there. "We need to go," Mike says, rushing towards the door. Sean runs after him. 

"Let's just take my car. We'll go together. I'll drive," Sean offers, knowing Mike isn't in any state to be doing so. 

Mike spends the majority of the ride there alternating between dialing Harvey's phone number and crying. His fear is intense; palpable. The guilt Sean feels about being the direct cause of this is crushing.

-

Sean hasn't even put the car in park before Mike is swinging open the door, getting out, and rushing towards the door. Sean parks the car and follows after him.

-

Whiskey. Multiple bottles of pills. And Harvey. 

Those are the first three things Mike sees after he breaks the glass of the door, reaches in to unlock it, and pushes it open.

Harvey is slumped over on the couch.

Mike thinks this is it. This is how he finally loses Harvey. 

He runs over and cradles Harvey's face. He's warm. He's alive. Mike gives him a little shake and he draws in a breath and moans and it's the confirmation Mike wasn't aware he still needed. "Oh, thank god." Mike cries out, unadulterated relief washing over him. 

"Harvey, open your eyes. I need you to tell me if you took anything?"

Harvey blinks his eyes open and looks at Mike. 

"These pills. Did you take any of them? I need you to tell me if you did. It's really important."

Harvey processes Mike's words slowly and then shakes his head no. "I-I couldn't do it to you. I couldn't leave you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Mike gently kisses Harvey's cheek and pulls him into a hug, fists gripping tightly into the fabric of his shirt, never wanting to let go of him again. 

After a long while of Mike just hugging him, and Harvey occasionally offering a 'sorry', Mike pulls away from him a little. He turns to face Sean who had just been standing there watching. "He's okay," Mike says, his voice cracking. "He's okay," he says a second time as if needs to hear it again to convince himself of it.

Harvey might not have taken any of the pills but he definitely drank a lot of the whiskey. He hopes the bottle wasn't full because that would be an alarming amount to consume. 

Sean gets a glass of water and brings it over to Mike. "Might want to try to get him to drink some of this."

"Thanks," Mike says. He offers it to Harvey, helps bring it to his mouth, and helps him drink. "He's cold. Can you see if there's a blanket anywhere?" he asks Sean.

"Sure."

Mike continues to offer Harvey water. Sean comes back with a blanket and Mike takes it, opens it up, and wraps it around Harvey's shoulders, Harvey reaches for it and wraps himself tighter in it. "Can we go home?" Harvey asks quietly, his voice strained from crying.

"We can," Mike says before turning to Sean. "You okay with driving us?"

"Yeah, no problem."

Mike helps Harvey up off the couch. He's very off-balance and unsteady on his legs. Sean sees Mike struggling a little and assists him which makes it much easier to get him out of the cabin and into the back of the car. 

Mike gets in with him and lets Harvey lay his head down on his lap where he can run fingers through his hair. Harvey closes his eyes. Mike quietly cries. 

The entire car ride home is completely silent.


	51. Chapter 51

They get Harvey up into the apartment and take him directly to the bedroom. Mike tells Sean that he's got it from here, so he exits the room. Mike proceeds to remove Harvey's shoes and pull the covers up over him. 

Mike climbs up on the bed with him, presses a kiss to his forehead. "Get some sleep." 

Harvey mumbles something unintelligible back to him before closing his eyes. Mike sits there with him until his breathing evens out. 

Normally he loves watching Harvey sleep, the way he looks so serene without all the things that he can't let go of while he's awake dragging him down. But tonight, all he can think about is the way Harvey had sounded on the phone. He thinks that's something that will likely haunt him for the rest of his life. 

And then he starts to think about what if Harvey _hadn't_ changed his mind? What if he _had_ swallowed all the pills on the table and...no, he can't do this. He can't think about any of that. It's a dead-end road. He needs some air. He kisses Harvey one more time before carefully shifting his weight on the bed to not disturb him on the way out. Though, Harvey's so far gone that he doesn't think much of anything would be able to wake him.

When he goes out in the living room, he notices Sean sitting on the couch. He stands up when he sees Mike.

"I thought you might have left," Mike says.

"I wanted to make sure everything was okay first."

"Well, I don't know about _okay_ , but he's sleeping. I think that's about as okay as it can get for now."

Sean nods sympathetically.

"I was going to go get some air. You want to come?"

"Sure," he replies before following Mike outside and sliding the glass door shut behind them.

Mike props his elbows on the balcony railing and puts his head in his hands. Sean walks over and stands to the left of him. 

The night sky is already vanishing, the soft orange glow of the sun on the horizon threatening to soon swallow the parts of it that remain. They stand in silence for a long while, content with watching it happen. 

Sean finally breaks the silence. "Mike? I need to talk to you about something."

"Not tonight, Sean. Just...not tonight," he replies while staring blankly ahead.

"Okay," Sean replies. 

They stand there a little while longer before Mike sighs heavily and stands upright. "I need to go check on Harvey," he says before turning around and sliding the door open. He waits for Sean to follow him back through it before shutting it. 

"You should get some sleep," Mike tells him. "You're more than welcome to crash on the couch or in the guest room if you'd like. I can get you clean sheets."

Sean looks at his watch. "Thanks, but I should probably go home so I can shower. I have a meeting in a few hours."

"Shit, seriously?" Mike asks. "Are you able to re-schedule it?"

"It's fine. Trust me, I've operated on a lot less sleep for a lot less important reasons."

"I- I don't know how to thank you for tonight, Sean. For picking up your phone. For helping me find him. For everything. I don't know what I would have done if---"

Sean has to cut Mike off, the last thing he wants to do is listen to Mike thank him for something he feels like he was directly responsible for. "Stop, Mike. You don't need to thank me for any of it."

Mike has tears welling up in his eyes. "Is it--I know what you said the other day ago, but--is it okay if I hug you now?"

Sean can't deny him it. Not now. And selfishly he can't deny himself it either. He thinks that once Mike knows the truth, there's likely to not be any more hugs between them, so he'll take this. He'll savor it. He opens his arms and Mike practically falls into them. Mike squeezes him tight and buries his head in his shoulder. 

It's a long hug, but Sean wouldn't dare be the one who brings an end to it, he lets Mike take as long as he needs. When he does finally pull away, his face is stained with tears. He wipes at them and lets out a small huff of laughter. "Sorry. I'm a fucking mess."

"You're fine," Sean tries to comfort.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay the night? You could shower here in the morning."

"No. I better head home. Thanks, though. I want you to keep me updated. And if you need anything, anything at all, for any reason, don't hesitate. I mean that."

"I know you do. And I will."

"Okay. I'm going to head out. Get some sleep, Mike."

"Easier said than done, but I'll try."

Mike walks him to the door and opens it. Sean steps out and they say their goodbyes before MIke turns out the lights and heads back to the bedroom to be with Harvey.

-

He's still passed out, gently snoring the way he typically does when he's had too much to drink. Mike takes his shoes and socks off and crawls into the bed. He shifts until he's directly next to him.

Laying down in the quiet of the room, everything weighs so heavily on him, it settles in his chest and feels crushing and all-consuming. He has trouble shutting his brain off on a good day, but on a day like today, it's near impossible. The what if's and what now's run rampant through his head.

He adjusts himself so that he can gently rest his head on Harvey's chest and listen to his heartbeat. It's slow and rhythmic. Mike closes his eyes and focuses on the way it softly flutters and resonates in his ears. He allows himself to be calmed by it, by the fact that every beat means that Harvey is still here with him.

Eventually, the sound is enough to able to lull him to sleep.

\-----

Mike is laying on Harvey's chest when he opens his eyes and has an arm thrown across his midsection, a second layer of protection to make sure he didn't go anywhere perhaps. As much as Harvey would like to stay just like this, he has a blinding headache and feels like he's very close to throwing up, so he quickly, but carefully lifts Mike's arm off of him. Mike starts to stir a bit.

"Shhhh," Harvey says. Mike stills. 

The next part is more tricky. He grabs a pillow from behind his head and brings it down. Centimeter by centimeter he lifts his head and replaces it with a pillow. When he thinks he has him situated enough he slides himself away from Mike. He doesn't move and Harvey practically sprints out and to the bathroom. He uses the one farther away so there's less of a chance for Mike to hear anything.

-

He spends the next two hours throwing up intermittently. When he thinks it's finally over, he's proven wrong time after time.

There's an hour that passes after that where he doesn't throw up at all and he figures he's made it to the other side, of that part anyway. The next thing on his agenda is trying to get rid of the throbbing headache. He opens the medicine cabinet and grabs out the bottle of pills.

The visual takes him back to last night, sitting with several orange pill bottles lined-up that he'd gotten from somebody who owed him a favor. Somebody that wasn't a good person, and him owing Harvey a favor was supposed to be hyperbole, because anything he had, Harvey didn't want or need. Until last night. 

Harvey shakes the thought and does what he couldn't do last night, tosses the pills into his mouth and washes them down. 

As much as he wants to crawl back in bed with Mike, he doesn't want to disturb him and he wants to stay close to the bathroom, just in case. He goes in the room and pulls the curtains so that the room is engulfed in darkness and throws himself down on the bed before closing his eyes and hoping the medicine can kick in and at the very least take the edge off enough that it doesn't feel like his skull is going to cave in on itself at any moment.

-

Mike wakes up in an empty bed. There's a certain kind of panic that overtakes logic and makes him jump to worst-case scenarios. He kicks the blankets off and leaps out of bed and starts rushing around the house with his heart caught in his throat. 

For every place that he doesn't find Harvey, his heart races faster and thumps harder against his chest. He opens the door to the other bedroom and sees him lying on the bed, which offers no relief because the next thought that crosses his mind is that Harvey is _dead_. It's a ridiculous thought, hindsight will show him that, but it doesn't feel ridiculous in the moment. He quickly makes his way over to him and puts a hand on him. 

"What?" Harvey says, jerking awake..

Mike lets out the breath that he had been holding in. "Oh, Harvey. Thank god. I-I woke up and I...I didn't know where you were and I just--"

Harvey sits up. "Are you okay? Calm down."

"I am calm. I just--" Mike takes a deep breath, "why are you sleeping in here?"

"I was sick all morning, so I wanted to stay within close proximity of the bathroom."

"You should have woken me up."

"So you can watch me throw up? I think you deserve to be spared that much."

Mike walks over and sits down on the bed next to him. "How do you feel now?"

"Headache is still hanging on a bit, but otherwise I'm okay."

"I didn't mean like that. I mean..." Mike's voice quickly fades away. But Harvey gets what he's getting at.

"I don't want to kill myself right now if that's what you're getting at." The words leave a bitter taste on his tongue. 

Mike looks at Harvey, searches his face for confirmation that it's the truth. He realizes that he doesn't think he knows what that would look like. "Okay."

"Look, Mike, I know we need to talk about this, about all of it. I know that. But can we maybe get some coffee in our systems first and maybe not do it in a pitch-black room?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"I'll go put on some coffee for us, okay?" Harvey slides himself off the end of the bed. "Come on."

\-----

They have their morning coffee together, and it's hard to find normal conversation. Mike tries for Harvey's sake, but it's hard to think about anything _but_ what happened. It's a dark cloud looming over their heads.

Mike decides he can't take it anymore. He can't sit here and talk about the fucking weather, or a crossword puzzle, or a case file, or any of this stupid meaningless bullshit when he knows that Harvey changing his mind is the only reason he's sitting there drinking coffee next to him and not in some goddamn morgue drawer. 

"Did I miss something?" Mike blurts out in the middle of Harvey saying something.

"In the briefs?" Harvey questions, slightly confused. 

"No. Did I miss something with you? Have you been thinking about doing something like this all along and I was just too busy convincing myself that things were getting better when they weren't?" 

Harvey had hoped to hold this conversation off for as long as possible, but the distraught look on Mike's face is telling him that he needs the answers now. 

"It's nothing you missed. Things _were_ getting better, at least a little, you didn't imagine that," Harvey assures.

"So what happened? The things you were saying on the phone and the way you were saying them...you sounded so unlike yourself."

"If I'm being completely honest, I don't exactly remember what I said. I promise that's not a cop-out either, I just barely remember the phone call outside of you telling me that you love me. _That_ stuck with me. It always seems to."

"You said you were wrong about Luke and that he didn't care about you."

"Because he didn't," Harvey replies immediately. He sounds hurt by his admittance but continues. "I found out something that Luke did that made me see things differently, probably see them the way I always should have."

"What did you find out?"

Harvey takes a moment to look at Mike who's looking back at him with guileless blue eyes. His mouth feels so dry all of a sudden. He licks his lips and tries to swallow down whatever tiny bit of saliva that's sitting in his mouth in an attempt to be able to form words. "There was a video on a flash drive--" he says before having to take a moment to collect himself enough to get through the last four words, "of him raping me."

Horror blankets Mike's face. "Oh my god, what?" 

"When I was there with him last time, he had baited me one night into hitting him by telling me that he had recorded what he did to me. He told me that he was going to send it to you. I lost it on him. I mean, what I did to Luke made what I did to Sean look like a walk in the park. I felt so betrayed that he would do that to me. Especially since I had been so fucking compliant. I had tried to be _good_ for him. I opened my mouth when he asked me to, let him drug me and then use me however the fuck he wanted to, all for him to turn around and do that?" Harvey stops to wipe away a few stray tears that had escaped. "After I had attacked him he told me that he had lied about recording it and that he would _never_ do something like that to me. And I _believed_ him. How could I be so goddamn stupid?" 

"Believing him doesn't make you stupid."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't make me smart either." Harvey wipes away more tears. He had told himself he wouldn't break down having this conversation but the odds are currently not in his favor. "I know I experienced it first hand, but I always went to someplace different in my head when it was happening. I could squeeze my eyes shut and be somewhere else, somewhere with you, and wait for it all to be over. Watching it was-- _different_. The way he was with me. So rough and careless. The filthy things he would say while he had me helpless and pinned down against the mattress. Seeing it happen like that, " Harvey's voice catches in his throat, "it almost felt like--it felt like it _broke_ something in me."

Mike reaches over to put his hand on Harvey's back but Harvey pulls away, knowing the comfort in his touch will only prove to unravel him faster. "Sorry," Mike says softly. 

"Having to think about everything that happened to me and accept that it just happened for no reason at all and not because he loved me or even cared the least bit for me...it was just too much. So, I came home and got a bottle of whiskey and started drinking. But that didn't feel like enough." 

Harvey pauses for a second before continuing."Because then I started thinking about all the things that he had taken from me. All the things he had taken from _us_. We never got to have anything normal because of him. We started off on a terrible note with the whole wedding thing and then you were dragged right into this mess. We didn't get to go on normal dates. Our first fucking kiss is _ruined_ because I couldn't stop thinking about his hands all over me. And we can't get those moments back. All that shit is just _gone_ forever," Harvey explains, his voice shuddery and wrecked from the constant strain of crying the past day.

Mike has tears in his eyes and Harvey can tell he's struggling to hold it together. 

"So, I went and got pills and I went to his cabin. In some ways, it didn't even feel like I'd be killing myself. It felt like that part had already been done for me. The person I used to be is gone, and there isn't anything that can bring him back." Harvey rubs a trembling hand over his face. "You know, I wasn't even going to call you...but I couldn't go without hearing your voice one more time." He pauses and laughs, but it's so sad that it barely registers as one. "Huh. I guess as it turns out, I couldn't go _after_ hearing your voice one more time."

"Harvey," Mike chokes out and that's all the further he gets before he starts to cry. Harvey reaches over and pulls Mike in close to him and just holds him there. After a short while, Mike pulls his head away from Harvey. "Do you still feel that way? Like you want to..." 

"Kill myself?" Harvey says what Mike couldn't, and the harshness of the words sit heavy in the air between them. 

"Yeah," Mike says softly.

"No. I don't."

"You _can't_ , Harvey. You can't ever do anything like that to me again. I know that's maybe selfish or unfair of me to ask, but I have _never_ been so scared as I was last night. I thought I was going to find you...find you.." Mike chokes as his breath catches. He can't say the word out loud.

Harvey pulls him in even closer. "I won't. I never meant to put you in that position."

"Just promise me, Harvey. _Please_. If you only ever keep one promise to me, make this be the one."

"I promise."

Mike exhales sharply and holds his pinky out to Harvey who smiles slightly at the ridiculousness of it. He slowly raises his pinky finger up and wraps it around Mike's. Pinky or not, he's not going to break this promise to him.

They let go, and Mike leans his head against Harvey's shoulder and sighs heavily. "Where the hell do we go from here?"

"I don't know," Harvey answers honestly. "I was thinking about maybe seeing a psychiatrist. Therapy is fine and all, but I think I need something beyond just talking."

"Like medication?"

"Maybe. You know, I still see him sometimes. Even when I've had nothing to drink. I know it's not real, that he's not real and he's dead, but being aware of that doesn't do anything to take away from how it feels."

"The other day ago when you told me you were talking to Donna? Was that--?"

"It was Luke," he admits. "It used to be I would just see him when I was plastered. Knowing that I would sometimes drink with the sole purpose of being able to talk to him again. But it's also happened sober. I don't want that anymore. I want to be done with all of this. Shit, I don't even know if that's possible anymore."

"It is," Mike says it like there's no other alternative. Harvey appreciates his optimism, no matter how far-fetched it seems after everything. "I think seeing a psychiatrist would be a good idea. It can't hurt."

Harvey shrugs. "Not any more than anything else has, anyway."

"It's going to be okay," Mike says, and Harvey isn't sure if it's meant for him or if Mike is trying to convince himself of it. 

"I think I'm going to go lay back down for a little bit, if you're okay with that," Harvey says.

There's a long pause before Mike asks, "Can I come?"

-

They both end up in bed wrapped up in each other and tangled in limbs. The conversation is non-existent and they're both content with that, they might even prefer it. 

Mike's hand travels up to Harvey's hair and he softly cards his fingers through it. It's something they both find comfort in. Harvey sighs and drifts to sleep shortly after, still exhausted from everything he'd been through. Mike continues gently stroking his hair long after he's out. 

He would like to close his own eyes and do the same, but he can't get his brain to release its grip on the last 24 hours. The what-if's still weighed too heavily on his mind and if he's being honest, he's still reeling and trying to process everything Harvey had told him. He wants desperately to be able to make sense of things, but there isn't any sense in any of it to be made. 

-

Shortly thereafter, there's a knock at the door. Mike untangles himself from Harvey and rolls out of bed, careful not to disturb him. 

He slides the chain across, unlocks it, and opens the door. 

"Sean. What are you doing here?"

"I was in the area so I figured I'd swing by."

"Come in," Mike says. Sean walks inside and continues down the hallway. "Where's Harvey?" he asks.

"He's sleeping."

"Still?"

"No. He was up for a while. A little hungover, but we were able to talk about things."

"You were? How'd that go?"

"I think it went good, all things considered. Listening to him, it almost sounded like he had a breakthrough of sorts, at least when it comes to how he feels about Luke and about the things Luke did to him."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I want to be optimistic about it, but for all I know he could just be telling me what I want to hear and the next time I leave him alone for five minutes he could try to off himself again."

"Mike, come on."

"Well, it's true, Sean."

"Did he tell you about why he was going to do it?"

"Apparently, he found this flash drive. It had a really fucked up video on it of Luke...hurting him. I don't really want to get into specifics."

"He found a flash drive," Sean repeats.

"Yes, _found_. Why are you being so weird, Sean?"

"Because he didn't find it, Mike. I gave him the damn thing."

"What do you mean you gave it to him? What the hell are you talking about?"

Sean takes a deep breath and readies himself to explain. "After Luke died, a random envelope showed up outside my door. I never opened it until recently, but in it was a letter and a flash drive."

"Okay, I am so confused right now. You got a letter and a flash drive from him, but how did Harvey end up with them?"

"I showed them to him. Well, only the letter I showed willingly."

Mike is struggling to process anything Sean is saying. It seems every time he answers something it just ends up creating more questions.

"When did you show it to him?"

"Yesterday, after his therapy and before he was supposed to go into work, he told you he was running an errand. I was that errand. I had asked him if he'd come over to talk."

"Why? And why wasn't I made aware of this? You guys just love lying to me or something?"

"Because I knew you would think it was a bad idea."

"I wonder why I would think that? Did you happen to fucking notice how it turned out?" Mike is getting angrier by the second. He's still trying to keep his voice down because Harvey is sleeping, but it's nearing lost cause territory. 

"I just had some questions, and I wanted to talk to him. I thought I could maybe get through to him if we could just have a one on one conversation."

Mike scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief. 

"We had a good talk, Mike. He opened up to me and was honest. I was able to understand where he was coming and why he had issues with me, and he was able to understand where I was coming from. We found common ground."

"So what? Then you decide to top it off by making him watch his own rape?"

"I didn't--he made me play it for him."

"Oh, he _made_ you? He put a fucking gun to your head and forced you?"

"No, but--"

"But nothing Sean!" Mike shouts. "Tell me this, did you know what was on that flash drive when you showed it to him? Did you know what he'd be watching?"

"I did. But _he_ knew what it was too because I told him. I tried to stop him from watching it. I didn't even want to tell him anything about it. I _begged_ him to just let it go but he wouldn't. You know how he is. You have to believe that, Mike."

"You're so full of shit," Mike shouts. Suddenly, the realization hits him. "Jesus, that's why you were asking all those questions on the phone about him yesterday. You fucking knew."

Sean swallows hard. "I didn't know what he was going to do. I couldn't have known he was going to take it that far."

"You should have told me what happened. You should have warned me! Instead, I got blindsided with all of it. He could have _died_ , you fucking asshole!" Mike angrily yells before shoving Sean, who stumbles back a few steps before regaining his balance.

"Mike. Stop it." Harvey's voice cuts in. Mike and Sean both look over to see Harvey standing in the room. "Sean isn't to blame for any of this. He truly did try to protect me from knowing about it."

"Oh, what? So the two of you are suddenly best friend's now?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mike."

"I'm not. Why is it that everybody fucking lies to me all the time about everything and I'm not even allowed to ever be mad about it. I'm-I'm not be-being ridiculous," Mike struggles to say, his breath quickening and becoming ragged.

"Mike, take it easy. You're getting yourself worked up. You need to calm down."

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down! You were going to _kill yourself_. You could be _dead_ right now because of what Sean let happen. And because nobody can tell ever me the goddamn truth. I could have done something. I-I could have stopped it before...before it ever got that far. Before you were one stupid decision away from---" Mike lets out a strangled sob. " _Oh god_." He buries his face in his hand and starts to cry. 

A wave of guilt hits Harvey hard, knowing it's his, not Sean's, actions that directly caused this. He didn't realize how bad it had affected Mike. Both Sean and Harvey take a step towards Mike in an attempt to calm him. Sean stops where he's at, and Harvey gives him a look that lets him know that he's going to handle it. Sean takes a step backward to give them plenty of room.

Harvey positions himself in front of Mike and puts a hand on each one of his shoulders. "I need you to look at me," he tells him. Mike slowly lifts his eyes to meet Harvey's, his blue eyes are drowned with tears. "You have to breathe, Mike. Okay? I didn't die. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere. We pinky promised on it, remember?" Harvey smiles at him, hoping to illicit one from in return. "Those are legally binding. That means you're stuck with me now."

"I don't...I'm...I'm sorry..."

Harvey massages Mike's shoulders gently, thumbs working in small circles near his collarbone. "It's okay, Mike. Just breathe. In and out."

Mike takes a few minutes to be able to compose himself. Harvey notices his hands are shaking, but his breathing has slowed down enough and he's not crying anymore. Harvey helps guide him over to the couch so he can sit down. He sits down directly next to him.

Sean appears with a bottle of water a few moments later that he hands to Harvey. Harvey takes the cap off and offers it to Mike, who takes it from his hand and takes a large gulp before handing it back.

"Are you good now?" Harvey asks.

Mike shakes his head 'yes'.

Harvey gives him a little bit more time before speaking again. "Mike, you really can't blame Sean for this. If you want to blame anybody, it's going to have to be me. He warned me and I didn't care. I did make him show me. And subsequently, when he did, I clearly did a terrible job of handling what was on it."

Mike takes a few more deep breaths before responding to him. "I don't want to blame you. Or Sean. It's nobody's fault but Luke's, _all_ of this is his fault."

That's something they can finally all agree on. There is a long stretch of silence between the three of them that follows. None of them really know where to take the conversation next.

Mike decides to be the one to break it, though not in the smoothest fashion. "Well--this is really awkward," he says.

Harvey smirks. "Yeah, a little bit. You know what, why don't I order some food and we can all talk some more. I think everybody is overdue for some sustenance. How's pizza sound?"

"Make it Gionno's and I'm on board," Mike says.

"Deal," Harvey says, before turning to Sean, "what about you, Sean? Is pizza okay?"

"Oh, no, I'm good. I should probably head back home soon. I wouldn't want to impose on anything."

"It's just _pizza_ , Sea, not a threesome."

The comment catches Sean completely off guard. "Jesus, Harvey," he mutters.

Mike laughs out loud at it. _That's _what Harvey had been looking for from him.__

__Mike looks up at Sean with a smile still plastered on his face. "Come on, Sean. Stay for some pizza."_ _

__How can Sean say no. "Okay. Fine. I'm in."_ _


	52. Chapter 52

Having Harvey and Sean in the same room being civil to each other was something that Mike figured had become unattainable, especially with how things had gone last time, so to see them sitting right in front of him having an actual conversation seems a little surreal. 

Harvey is surprisingly talkative and he finds a safe spot with Sean in talking about cases that they had teamed up together on and the foes they share in common. There are a few smiles, and even a little bit of laughter and Mike thinks that should make him feel better because if Harvey's laughing that means he's not feeling like he was feeling last night, but he knows that isn't how things work. There's no correlation between laughing and being happy, they're two entirely separate entities. 

But Mike can't get the phone call out of his head. He tries to just focus on Harvey now, right in this very moment, tries to remind himself of Harvey's promise, but it does nothing to stop things from replaying over and over in his head, taunting him. The desolate and desperate tone of his voice. The heartbreaking sobs. The heavy click of the phone when Harvey had hung up on him. The panic and hopelessness that took over his entire body when he had arrived at Luke's place to not find him that feels like it has since taken up residence in his body and has no plans to leave any time soon. It's suffocating.

"Mike? Earth to Mike," Harvey says, snapping his fingers when he doesn't get an initial response.

Mike is abruptly pulled from his thoughts. "What?"

"I asked you a question."

"Uh, well, uh, I was--what was the question again?"

"Forget that. Is everything okay with you? You've been really quiet."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you guys going to be okay if I go use the restroom real quick?"

Harvey gives Sean a glance. "I think we'll be okay without our mediator for a few minutes."

Mike smiles weakly. "Okay, I'll be right back," he says before placing his plate with half-eaten pizza down on the table and disappearing down the hallway.

Harvey waits until Mike is out of earshot. "Fuck," he says, leaning back against the couch and running his hands through his hair, frustrated.

"What is it?" Sean asks.

"I was really hoping that having you stay over and prove that the two of us can get along would be a good way to get his mind off of everything and distract him, and I think he was probably hoping that too, but, it's clearly not helping at all." 

"You think he's so quiet because he's still thinking about yesterday?"

"I _know_ that's why he is. I traumatized him, Sean," Harvey exhales sharply, "that's all I seem to do to him anymore."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened last night."

"And why the hell not?"

"Because you had just been traumatized and weren't thinking straight."

"Yeah, I guess," Harvey says. He looks over at Sean who is staring back at him attentively, with concern burned in his eyes. "It just scares me," Harvey admits to him.

"What scares you?"

"I'm scared that I'm going to do everything I can to get better, and it's still not going to be enough. I'm worried that I'm too fucked up by everything that I'm never going to be able to come back from it." Harvey's vision starts to blur with tears, but he forces the lump in his throat down. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm dumping this shit on you. It's not your problem."

"You don't need to apologize. And if you want my opinion on things? I think your odds are pretty good. You have to remember you have two major advantages going into it."

"Oh yeah? What would those be?"

"For starters, you are singlehandedly _the_ most stubborn asshole I've ever met. I think you could probably get through anything out of spite alone."

Harvey smiles, it's barely there and gone quicker than it appeared, but it was there. "And what's the second?"

"You have Mike, and I can't think of a better support system than him. And it also doesn't hurt that he's the second most stubborn person I know."

Harvey huffs a laugh. "At least he learned something from me." 

"I think you'll be okay. I think you both will."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Harvey says softly.

"You know what, I think I'm going to head out. You should go spend some time with him. I think he needs that more than anything right now."

"That's not a bad idea. You know, you're not as stupid as you look."

"Gee...thanks, Harv."

"Do you want to at least take some pizza to go? I could get you a container."

"Nah, I'm all right, I'll leave it for you guys. I've seen Mike eat cold pizza straight from the fridge, I wouldn't want to deprive him of that," Sean says as he stands up from where he was sitting.

Harvey's familiar with that particular quirk of Mike's. "It's like he's never heard of a napkin or plate," he adds with a little laugh. "Thanks again for staying even if it didn't go how I had hoped. And you know, I'm glad that we're back on the same page. Or at least somewhere in the same book again."

"I'm glad, too. Will you tell Mike I said goodbye?"

"Of course."

Sean nods his head and smiles. He turns to walk towards the door, but stops and turns back after barely taking two steps. "Hey, one more thing?"

"What's that?"

"I had talked to Mike about him going to therapy, I even had it practically set up for him and everything, but he's put it off for whatever reason if you could maybe bring that back up to him. I think he'll be more receptive of it if you're the one asking of it from him."

"I think him not going might have been partially my fault, so yeah, I'll be sure to bring it up to him."

"Good. I'll see you around," Sean replies before turning back around and heading out the front door. 

Now that Sean is gone, Harvey's next step is finding out what's going on with Mike. 

-

The bathroom door is locked when he checks it. He knocks on it. "Mike?"

"What?"

"You okay in there?"

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute," he replies faintly.

Harvey leans his back against the wall next to the door and waits. He hears the faucet turn on and run for a while before shutting off. A few moments later, he can hear the door being unlocked before opening. 

"Hey," Mike greets him. "Sorry I took so long."

"What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean? I just had to use the bathroom," Mike says before lowering his head and brushing past Harvey. 

"You can't stop thinking about last night, can you?"

The words freeze Mike at the door, he slowly turns back around. "No. I can't," he confesses.

"Come here," Harvey says before walking over and patting the bed with the palm of his hand. Mike obliges. Harvey goes to the corner of the room and drags the chair from it and positions it so that he can sit right in front of Mike. 

"I think maybe with our conversation earlier and then inviting Sean to stay I might have made it seem like we're just supposed to sweep what happened yesterday under the rug, move on and act like it never happened. That wasn't my intention. You know, Mike, you're allowed to be hurt by what I did." 

"I am hurt, but not because of what you did, but by the fact that you were put in a position where something like that ever became an option for you. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you were feeling," Mike says, he blinks and the corners of his mouth turn downward. "And you're right, I can't stop thinking about it; the things you said and the way you said them and even the way you looked when I got to you, it's all just fucking stuck replaying in my head on an infinite loop."

"I'm sorr--"

Mike interrupts immediately. "No. Stop. I don't want you to apologize and I don't want you to feel guilty about any of it. You didn't do anything wrong."

"You don't think I was being selfish?" Harvey's voice breaks on the last word despite himself. 

Mike reaches out and takes Harvey's hand into his own and gently squeezes it. Harvey had meant for this to be a conversation where he comforts Mike, but here Mike was comforting him and saying things to him that he wasn't even aware he needed to hear until this very moment. "There's nothing selfish about wanting to stop the pain," Mike says.

Harvey drags his eyes up to Mike's and he expects to see something on his face that resembles pity, or some sign that Mike is just saying things like that to make him feel better, but there isn't anything that resembles either of those things there to be found. Instead, there's sincerity and understanding. 

"I just wish I could take it back," Harvey says regretfully. "I never wanted to subject you to something like that."

"I know you didn't. And I know you wish you could take it back. I do, too. But we can't, we can only try to work to fix things and make sure it's something that doesn't ever happen again." Mike takes a deep breath and pushes it out. "Besides, it's not the worst thing I've ever been subjected to."

Harvey gives Mike a confused look.

"I've seen Louis completely naked covered in nothing but mud before."

Harvey cracks a smile and rolls his eyes. Mike's either trying to lighten the mood or move away from the subject, possibly both. "You're an idiot."

Mike leans forward so that their foreheads touch and they rest there for a moment, just breathing each other's air. "But I'm your idiot," Mike says back.

Harvey uses his free hand to cup the back of Mike's head before bringing their mouths together in a kiss that is as sweet as it is chaste. Mike moves to pull away, but Harvey holds him in place for just a second longer, Mike melts into the touch and allows Harvey's hand to linger on the back of his neck to savor it for a few seconds longer before he allows it to slide away and fall back down to his side. 

"We should probably go back out there. Poor Sean is sitting out there all alone."

"Actually, he's not. He went home right before I came in here. He said he thinks we could use some time alone."

Mike nods. "Yeah, that sounds like something he would say. Sucks I ruined tonight by getting in my head, would have been nice to be able to enjoy the two of you getting along."

"You can always invite him back over some time."

"Really?"

"Yes, of course. As awful as it was, everything that happened yesterday allowed me to walk away with the kind of clarity that I haven't had in a long time, and while some of the things that clarity has given me are going to be hard to deal with, one of the things that aren't is realizing that Sean _isn't_ the bad guy here. I know that things could have ended up a lot differently for both of us without him in our lives."

"I know," Mike agrees. "He's a great guy and I've been such a dick to him at times."

"Nowhere close to what I've been."

Mike sighs. "I guess we'll have to have that threesome to make it up to him, huh?"

"I think he'd settle for a nice dinner where he doesn't get the shit beat out of him. Maybe save the threesome as a back-up plan."

Mike smiles and a yawn chases it from his face. 

"Are you tired?"

"I feel exhausted."

"Why don't you get ready for bed? I'll go clean up and join you in here when I'm done. Sound good?"

"Sounds perfect."

Harvey stands up from the chair and gives Mike a quick kiss before dragging the chair back to its original spot and disappearing from the room.

Mike slides out of bed and brushes his teeth before changing into a pair of pajama pants and throwing on one of Harvey's old shirts from the closet and climbing back into bed.

-

Not long after he's in bed, Harvey re-enters the room. He pads across the floor and to the dresser and grabs a pair of pants out and a t-shirt and disappears into the bathroom to change. Harvey doesn't like to change in front of him, that's something Mike picked up on a while back. He's always figured he's too ashamed of the things that he shouldn't be ashamed of. Yesterday was confirmation of that.

Mike hears his voice in his head. _Putting all these disgusting scars on my body..._ He quickly buries the thought. He doesn't want to start down that road again, he knows it's a dead end.

Harvey emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later and walks over to the bed. Mike pulls back the covers for him, inviting him in and he climbs up and under them and positions himself sitting upright next to Mike.

"Hey, that's my shirt," he points out when he looks at Mike.

"You don't mind?" 

"No. I like it. It looks good on you."

Mike rests his head on Harvey's shoulder. There's a long bought of silence before Mike interrupts it. "You know, when you were missing I would wear your shirts. They made me feel closer to you. I would close my eyes and breathe in the smell of the fabric and it would be like you were still here. But then you were gone so long that I had to stop wearing them because I felt like...I don't know... like I needed to ration the scent. Irrational, I know. The scent would eventually fade whether I was smelling them or not, but irrational was all I had."

Sometimes Mike does this, randomly offers insight or anecdotes about what it was like without him and Harvey is never really sure what to do with it. Luckily, Mike never really makes him have to do with anything with it at all.

"I'm glad I can wear your shirts again," he says before burying his face into Harvey's neck.

Harvey presses a kiss into his hair. "I'm glad, too." A moment later. "You ready to turn these lights and get some sleep?"

"Yeah."

Harvey reaches over to the nightstand and turns his light out, while Mike rolls the opposite direction and gets his, together they drown the room in darkness. He quickly finds his way back to Harvey who has rolled onto his side and throws an arm over him. Harvey grabs it and brings it to rest on his own chest where Mike can feel the steady thump of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest.

They fall asleep just like that. 

\-----

There are hands roughly pinning him to the mattress, digging into his skin and bruising him. Harvey fights against the weight holding him down, it's heavy and inexorable. He screams until his throat feels raw. _Stopstopstop nonono._ None of it matters. It never does.

Harvey shoots awake, heart pounding and gasping for air. 

"Harvey," a voice calls him back to himself, it's loud and incessant. 

Harvey rubs at his eyes, unsure of himself and his surroundings for the several dragging, awful moments it takes for his brain to catch back up to his body, a body that's currently soaked in adrenaline and revving for a fight. His eyes struggle to adjust to the dark. "Mike?" he says wearily. 

Mike can relax the grip he has on Harvey's arm once he's sure that Harvey is fully aware of who he is. He takes a step back and turns on the light so Harvey can better adjust to his surroundings, something he would have done sooner if he hadn't been so freaked out.

Harvey can see the nervousness on Mike's face and sees that he is still working to catch his breath. He wonders what all Mike was forced to witness before he woke up.

"Sorry," Harvey breathes. He knows Mike will tell him that he doesn't have to apologize because it's something he can't help, but his need to do it will never not override everything else. "Was it--how bad was it before I woke up?"

Mike answers with a non-answer. "It was all over pretty fast." 

"I didn't hurt you or anything, did I?"

"No. I'm okay."

Harvey takes a moment to wait for his breathing to even out. "Fuck," he yells in frustration, and Mike jumps at it, which makes Harvey feel even worse. "I was hoping we could at least have _one_ goddamn night away from this shit, given everything else we've had to deal with. Guess that was too much to ask."

"It's okay, Harvey. Why don't you go get changed, I'll change the sheets or I don't even have to change the sheets we can go sleep in the other room and change the sheets in the morning."

"I don't know if I'm going to be able to get back to sleep."

"We can watch movies on the couch until we can no longer outrun sleep."

"How many movies do you think it would it take to outrun the nightmares?"

"We can find out."

"All right. Let me go change."

Harvey feels slightly better and more like himself once he's cleaned up and changed out of his sweat-dampened clothes. He finds Mike curled up on the couch, barely visible under the pillows and blanket he's dragged onto it. He looks so tired and Harvey figures he'll be out before they even get through the first movie. 

-

Mike proves him right and only lasts about twenty minutes into the movie, and even that was a struggle for him. Harvey grabs the remote and turns the tv off, and slips out from under the blanket. Mike moves only slightly, moaning something in his sleep before nuzzling his face into a pillow. 

Harvey doesn't know what to do being left alone sober with his thoughts. He tries to read for a little bit, but can't focus. So he goes for a walk and that doesn't help. He gets out his computer and tries to look over some work-related things.

But then his mind drifts and starts to drag him to dark places. He starts to think about the video until _all_ think about is the video. He'd only seen a small amount before Sean had stopped it and now he can't help but wonder how much longer it was. What else happened? Or maybe there's something else on there. To want to know is morbid curiosity at its very core, or the very least, its Harvey's need to constantly want to punish himself pushing himself to want to know the answers to these kinds of questions.

Harvey gets up and goes back into the bedroom and finds the pants he was wearing the night he was at Sean's. He digs the letter and the flash drive from the pocket and takes it back into the bedroom with him where he had been with his laptop, he pulls the door shut and locks it behind him, eliminating any chance of Mike walking in on it. He inserts it into the USB port.

He finds the only file on there and drags the pointer over the top of it. He takes a deep breath.

He slams the laptop shut before he can click play, coming to his senses just in time. He tosses the computer behind him and gets up to find his running shoes. He puts them on and grabs a jacket from the closet, before leaving the room and tiptoeing his way to the front door. He opens it as slow as humanly possible and shuts it even slower as not to alert Mike.

And then he runs. And he keeps running until he starts to see signs of daylight. The light of the day makes him feel safer. Even when the city has fully come to life it's still always quieter than the night. Less full of knives and the things that hurt him. 

\-----

Mike opens his eyes and closes them immediately, the light shining through the windows is so bright. He yawns and stretches and realizes that Harvey's not there. He sits up and surveys the room, looks out into the kitchen but doesn't see him there. 

He stretches one more time. He really needs to talk Harvey into getting a more comfortable couch. Mike unburies himself from beneath the blanket and gets up. The floor is cold on his feet and he scurries across it to see where Harvey has ended up. He checks the guest bedroom first, and he's not there, and while he's on his way to check the other bedroom, he hears the door being unlocked. 

When Harvey shuts the door behind him, Mike is standing in front of him. "Shit. Where'd you come from?"

"I was coming to get the door for you but you beat me to it."

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No. Where'd you go?"

"Just to go grab a few things so I could make breakfast and surprise you with it, but I guess that surprise is now ruined."

"What are you making?"

"Vanilla crepes with a raspberry sauce."

"Wow, fancy. Have you been watching Food Network without me again?"

"Can't keep anything from you, can I?" 

"Definitely not. You need me to help with that bag?"

"Nah, I got it," Harvey says as he carries it over and sits it down on the counter and starts digging through it. 

Mike walks over and slides up on one of the barstools. He runs his hand through sleep-roughened hair. "Were you able to go back to sleep last night?"

"No. But it's okay, I was able to get a jumpstart on the day. I made a call about getting in to see the psychiatrist I was referred to, so now I have an appointment set for that."

"That's great, Harvey."

"We'll see. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, but desperate times and all that. Which, by the way," Harvey says, pausing to pull a dozen eggs out of the grocery bag and place them on the counter. "what's going on with you and therapy? I know you talked about it before, and I know Sean has tried to help you get something set up. You should take advantage of that."

"Yeah, I know. I've been meaning to, it's just that--"

"Come on, Mike. You can't _stop_ talking about your feelings most days, I would think this would be something right up your alley."

"Yeah, I guess. I'll call and get something set up today."

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get started on breakfast," Harvey says as he rolls up his sleeves.

"Can I help?"

Normally Harvey likes everybody out of his way when he cooks and being able to have the kitchen to himself to maneuver around in, but he decides he'll indulge Mike today. "Sure."

"Really?" 

"Yeah, let's get washed up and get started."

-

Harvey being in a good mood sometimes feels like the calm before the storm. And Mike wonders if this time is any different.

They work side-by-side in the kitchen together and Harvey is very good at directing Mike at what to do and remains patient with him throughout, which makes for a great overall experience. 

"This looks amazing. I can't believe _we_ made this."

"Well, looks are one thing. They can be deceiving, taste is the part that counts. Why don't you go ahead and do the honors by trying it first."

"No, we have to try it at the same time."

"Okay," Harvey says as he picks up his fork, and cuts a piece from it. Mike does the same. 

"Touch tips?" Mike says as he holds his fork out to Harvey.

"What are you? Ten?" Harvey asks, but reluctantly gives in and taps Mike's fork with his own, before they shovel the food into their mouths.

It's quiet as they both chew and take in all the flavors. "Goddamn, this is amazing," Mike says the second he finishes swallowing.

"Very good," Harvey agrees, fork already moving in for a second bite.

-  
They sit and talk and spend time enjoying breakfast and it all feels very comforting in a way that makes them try to stretch the minutes as far as they'll go. 

When they're finally finished, they clean up the dishes together. Harvey does the washing, and Mike does the drying and putting things away part. 

After they finish, Mike decides that he better make that call to the therapist before he gives himself enough time to find reasons to talk himself out of it. He searches back on his phone to find Sean's message with the information. 

"I'll be right back," he says to Harvey before stepping out onto the balcony to make the call. Harvey does briefly wonder why he couldn't just make the call in front of him. He would ask, but he knows Mike will just claim there's better reception out there. Which, to his credit, is sometimes true. 

After Mike finishes with his call and is still on the balcony, he decides to send Sean a text apologizing for bailing last night, but then telling him that he set up a therapy appointment, which he knows we'll make the first point moot. 

He hits send and doesn't wait for a message back before going back inside. 

"All set-up?" Harvey asks, not bothering to look up from where he's working to dry the sink. 

"Yep. I let Sean know, too." 

"I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that."

Mike likes that he can tell Harvey things about Sean now and that everything doesn't have to feel so secretive when it comes to him. He really hopes that's something that Harvey doesn't regress on but he also tries to not allow himself to get too comfortable with the idea on the off-chance he does. 

\-----

The days wear on and then on some more and they struggle to find a routine and some semblance of normal, even though they can't even be sure what that looks like anymore.

There's work and therapy and psych appointments. Harvey gets prescribed medication and after he gets them filled he leaves the bottles to sit on the kitchen counter untouched for days. Mike only brings it up the first day and Harvey makes it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it, so they don't.

It takes a particularly bad day for him to finally start taking them. He spends the day before holed up in the guest room. Mike checks in on him a few times, in an attempt to figure out what's wrong, but Harvey doesn't want to talk, so Mike gives him his space. Sometimes that's the only thing he can do.

The following morning as Mike is busy making coffee and toast, Harvey gets a glass from the cabinet and fills it with water and opens one of the bottles. Mike doesn't say anything. Harvey appreciates that.

-

Harvey has a hard time adjusting to the medication. The pills make him feel nauseous and dizzy. He's extremely irritable, which Mike gets the brunt of, because really, who else is there? He also bounces between sleeping too much and not sleeping at all. When he does sleep, more often than not he's torn from his sleep by a nightmare.

Mike reminds him that he has to give it time, and Harvey _knows_ he does, but there's something particularly disheartening about waking up from a nightmare, drenched in sweat, shaking, and gasping for air, knowing that in a few hours he'll have to shove pills down his throat that are meant to help with those very same nightmares and instead they only end up making him feel like he's been poisoned. 

He hasn't seen Luke though. He guesses that's the _one_ thing that is supposed to give him hope or he should find some value in it that maybe the meds are working in some way. But, he also hasn't been drinking, with the exception of the few times he's had just a finger of whiskey after Mike had gone to sleep and he knew he wouldn't be able to do the same. Either way, be it the pills or lack of drinking, most days he thinks he'd rather talk to ghosts for the rest of his life than feel the way he feels currently.

-

As the weeks pass Harvey does start to slowly feel better. His nausea weans, and he starts to regain his appetite little by little. His sleep schedule starts to improve, though it's easy to fall off track on that. The nightmares are still there, but they don't always send him frantically shooting up in bed. Sometimes, they're just there. Dark and strange and an ever-present reminder of all the things he's been through. 

"Why don't we go out for dinner tonight?" Harvey asks randomly in the middle of a workday.

Mike's head shoots up from the stack of papers he's been mulling over all morning. "Really?" 

"Yeah, it's been a while since we did it. Besides, it'd be nice to see you actually sitting down for a decent meal instead of hovering over the counter eating Lucky Charms."

"What's wrong with Lucky Charms?"

"You're a grown man, for starters."

Mike pretends to be confused. "I'm not following."

"Are you ever?"

"Fair point. Where are we going to go?"

"I have something in mind."

"Well, am I going to have to dress up?"

"Yes."

"More than I am now?"

"You're really asking me that while wearing that tie?"

"Hey. I like this tie. What's wrong with it?"

"I don't have time to explain it to you if you want to go on that date sometime this century. Now, why don't you toss me another one of those files so we actually have a shot of getting something finished today?"

Mike grabs one of the top folders from the stack and tosses it over towards him before picking up his pen and focusing his attention back on the work in front of him. He can't help a smile from spreading across his face. It's been too long since they went on a date and Mike can't help but feel a little giddy about it. 

\-----

They leave work a little earlier than usual. Mike hops in the shower first and then sorts through his closet to find something nice to wear. He still has no clue where they're going and hopes that he can find the middle ground between being underdressed and overdressed. 

He decides to pair a black dress shirt with a black vest and a deep red tie, a tie that so happens to be one that Harvey had bought for him at some point, which eliminates the opportunity for Harvey to talk shit about it. 

Once he's dressed he goes into the bathroom and fixes his hair. It's starting to be just on the side of being a little too long for his taste, which is a nice reminder that he should probably go get it cut soon. Simple tasks like that tend to end up on the back burner considering the never-ending list of more pressing issues they're constantly cycling between.

Once Mike's done he goes out and sits on the couch and waits for Harvey.

-

Harvey showers and avoids mirrors the way he always does until he's completely dried off and he only needs it to make sure his hair doesn't look like he just rolled out of bed. His hair is getting too long and he thinks maybe he'll ask Mike to cut it for him. There was a time when Harvey would have thought he was losing his mind if the thought to trust Mike with scissors anywhere near his hair, but now it seems no crazier than anything else that crosses his mind in a typical day. 

He runs a comb through his hair and then sets the comb back down and when he goes to check the mirror one last time he sees Luke. It makes his heart jump into his throat and lodge itself there. He quickly turns around and finds nothing there. There's not much relief in that. 

He quickly leaves the bathroom and goes out and sits on the bed and gives himself a few minutes to be able to compose himself. He doesn't want to dwell on it or think about what it does or doesn't mean in terms of him getting better. It only has to mean something if he allows it to have meaning and he isn't going to do that. Not tonight.

He takes a few deep breaths, just for good measure before standing up, and adjusting his suit jacket before leaving the room. 

When he steps out into the living room, Mike is laying down on the couch with his feet propped up over the edge, holding his phone in front of him. Harvey can hear the faint sound of music and it sounds like Mike is playing some sort of game. 

Harvey clears his throat. 

"Uh, hey, Harvey," Mike says, scrambling to make his way from his feet from the awkward position he was laying in. Once he stands up, he gives Harvey a once over. "You look hot as fuck."

Harvey shakes his head at Mike's choice of words. "Thanks. I think. You look--"

"Wait. Let me give you a spin so you can the full picture," Mike says before doing his best over the top runway walk towards Harvey, topping off with a spin at the very end. 

"Despite all that, you still look very handsome. The tie really brings the outfit together," he points out.

"Damn it, you remembered you gave this to me, didn't you?"

"Of course, I did. There's no way you would buy something like that for yourself."

"Good point."

Harvey smiles. "You look great, Mike. You always do."

Mike closes the rest of the way in on Harvey, softly grips the lapels of his jacket, and pulls him towards him for a kiss. It's gentle and saccharine and over much too quickly.

Harvey feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. "Our ride is here," he tells Mike.

"So," Mike rasps before capturing Harvey's mouth with his once more.

"If you keep doing that we're not going to make it to dinner."

"Fine. Let's go," Mike replies, his voice feigning petulance.

-

The ride there is quiet and comfortable. Mike sits about as close to Harvey as he can possibly get, just resting his head on his shoulder, he interlocks the fingers on their hands early on and they remain that way until they arrive.

-

Once there, they walk inside together and are quickly seated at a table next to the large ceiling to floor windows that offer a stunning view of Manhattan. The sun is minutes from vanishing, and the oranges and pinks currently drenching the sky will go with it. 

Harvey orders a half bottle of wine. He has an argument ready in case Mike is willing to contest him on it, but he doesn't say anything, doesn't even give him the look he normally does when he thinks something is a bad idea. 

When it comes time to order, Mike gives Harvey free reign to choose whatever he thinks he'll like. Mike can tell you where to get a good pizza or a burger or a milkshake that will blow your fucking mind, but places like this? This is Harvey's area of expertise. Mike makes sure he utilizes it and he's yet to regret that decision. 

"Have you ever been here before?" Harvey asks.

"Not a chance. I'm more of a takeout guy if you haven't noticed."

"Oh, I've noticed."

"I think every nice place I have ever been to in this city has been with you. Except for a few times back in the day that I dined and dashed with Trevor."

"Dine and dash? Really?"

"Hey, I'm not proud of it. Not now, anyway. But an expensive steak dinner for free after weeks of eating nothing but cereal and ramen? I was kind of proud of it then."

"You've come a long way."

"Yeah, now I have a hot lawyer boyfriend to pay for my shit. I've really moved up in this world," Mike jokes. 

Their conversation is halted by the waiter bringing their appetizers to the table. Mike quickly dives in, Harvey moves at a much slower pace. While his appetite has come back slightly, it's still not close to what it was, and even when he does it he's never sure how eating is going to make him feel. 

They talk and eat and then talk some more. 

Harvey only drinks one glass of wine before cutting himself off. Mike drinks a few more than that, and Harvey can tell he's getting a little tipsy by the flush in his cheeks and the way his words have started to slur just enough to be noticeable.

Harvey listens contently, to all the words he says and the way he says them. Soaks it all in, and anchors himself to every single part of it.

"I cannot get over this view. It's so beautiful," Mike says as he takes in the city that's all lit up now. 

Harvey keeps his eyes fixed on Mike. "It really is beautiful."

"You didn't even look."

"I know," Harvey says. 

It takes a second for Mike to get it but when he does he turns his attention back to Harvey and smiles. "I'm glad you suggested coming here. It's been nice to get out of the house."

"It is. We'll have to start doing it more often. Maybe go see a movie or go mini-golfing."

"Wait, Harvey Specter mini-golfs?"

"No, Harvey Specter _golfs_ , but I was merely trying to suggest something more on your level."

"Ah, I see. Well, jokes on you because as it turns out I am the Phil Nickelson of mini-golf."

"You mean Mickelson."

"Yeah, Mickelson, of course, that's what I said. What else would I have said?"

"I think you've had too much wine."

"And I think...actually, no. You're right, I definitely have. How expensive is this stuff anyway? It tastes very expensive," Mike states as he picks up his glass, swirls it around before finishing what's left in it.

"Just slow down a bit. You only have to drink for yourself, not both of us."

"Yes, sir."

They hang around a little longer and they both get dessert though Mike ultimately ends up with both of them because Harvey's teetering the edge of being nauseous and doesn't want to push it. He gets more pleasure out of watching Mike enjoy it more than he ever would have from eating it, anyway. 

-

The ride back starts off as quiet and comfortable as it had been there, but Mike starts to get a little frisky about halfway there, unable to keep his hands or mouth off Harvey. He crawls into Harvey's lap and straddles him. He's able to strip him out of his jacket and has managed to work the top three buttons of his shirt undone when Harvey stops him. 

"Mike," he breathes against him. "Not here."

"Why not?" Mike asks before needily kissing him again with a mouth that tastes like sugar and alcohol.

"Because we're in a car," Harvey says like Mike is somehow oblivious to the fact. 

"I just-I just don't feel that comfortable it," Harvey adds. There's a time he wouldn't have thought twice about fucking Mike in the back of a town car if given the opportunity no matter who was watching, but these days, knowing there's a stranger that close, even if they are hidden behind a partition makes him feel uneasy. 

"Oh," Mike says. He immediately crawls off of Harvey's lap and situates himself back beside him. "Sorry," he adds breathily, "I got a little carried away." 

\-----

Harvey tries to remedy it when they're alone in the apartment. Mike's barely closed the door behind him when he's being spun around and driven backward until he's up against the wall. It catches him off guard, but he adjusts, he moves a hand up and cups Harvey's jaw before kissing him. Harvey kisses back, licks into his mouth, needy and possessive. 

Mike moans and tilts his head back and exposes his throat. Harvey takes advantage and trails kisses all along it letting his teeth drag ever so slightly over his skin in a way that makes Mike shudder underneath it. 

"Harvey," Mike pants. "Can...we..."

Harvey recaptures his lips before Mike can get the sentence out, another long kiss that ends with Harvey drawing Mike's bottom lip slowly between his teeth. Mike whimpers and Harvey's not sure if it's pain or pleasure or both, but he let's go just in case it's the first.

Mike grinds up against Harvey, becoming desperate for any sort of friction. Harvey shifts his body away, leaving him chasing something that's no longer there. 

"Come on," Harvey says as he grabs Mike's hand and leads him to the bedroom. 

Mike already has his tie off and throws it off to the side. He starts fumbling with the buttons of his shirt next, removing it in record time. Before he works on his pants he shifts his focus to Harvey, reaching for the buttons, he gives Harvey a look as if he's asking permission before doing it. Harvey nods, and Mike moves forward, undoing every last button and stripping him out of his shirt. 

"Take the rest of your clothes off," Harvey orders. The way he says it is like a jolt of lightning traveling through Mike's body. He quickly works the buckle of his pants and yanks both them and his boxers off at the same. 

Once he's been stripped of all clothes, Harvey pushes him back onto the bed. He watches as Harvey removes his own clothes. Mike catches something that looks like hesitation on Harvey's face before he starts removing them, and Mike knows it's because he's self-conscious about his scars. He thinks to say something reassuring but before he can even form words, Harvey is crawling onto the bed and over top with his mouth enveloping his once more. 

Harvey's hand travels down his chest and stomach before landing on Mike's cock. A heavy sigh escapes Mike's lips as Harvey starts to stroke him, slowly moving up and down his shaft. Mike wants to return the favor and reaches for Harvey's cock, but Harvey uses his free hand to catch Mike's in mid-air before pinning it down against the bed, making it abundantly clear that his touch isn't welcomed. 

As Harvey's hand starts to move with more force, the grip on the wrist he's pinning down tightens. Mike starts to find it difficult to breathe as Harvey's mouth moves hungrily against his own. 

"Harvey," Mike says breathlessly, pulling his mouth away and turning his head so he can get enough air to be able to speak. "Can I--can I have a safeword?"

Harvey immediately loosens the grip on the wrist he had pinned down and his hand disappears from Mike's cock which leaves him aching and bereft. 

"Shit. Am I hurting you?"

"No, no, no, no, nothing like that. It's just in case."

"In case I hurt you? I'm not going to hurt you, Mike."

"I know, but..." Mike trails off. 

After a long awkward pause. "What word do you want?"

"Umm...briefcase?"

"Okay. Fine. Briefcase," Harvey repeats. 

Harvey tries to get back into it. He shifts down and slides Mike's cock into his mouth and sucks. Mike thrusts his hips up and it makes his eyes water and he almost gags but he tries to just push through it and keep going so that maybe Mike could at least get an orgasm out of it, but the more he does it, the more it feels like he's forcing himself. And then he starts thinking about Luke forcing him. And then he's just _thinking, thinking, thinking_ and it becomes too much and he needs it to stop immediately.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I can't do this," Harvey says as he removes his mouth from Mike's cock. 

Mike props himself up on his elbows. "Whoa, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just need to stop. I'm sorry," he says again before rolling off the bed. He grabs his clothes off the floor and disappears into the bathroom. 

Mike thought it would be okay asking him about the safeword considering Harvey had been the one they suggested it the last time they had sex, but he thinks he probably screwed things up by doing it now. Harvey wouldn't hurt him, of course, it's fucking stupid to ask for it. Mike gets up and grabs his own clothes, before going to the other bathroom to clean up and change. 

-

Mike finishes and Harvey still isn't out of the bathroom. Mike checks the door and it's unlocked. He still knocks. "Can I come in?"

Harvey doesn't say anything, so Mike announces that he's coming in and slowly opens the door. 

Harvey is sitting on the floor in his boxers. Mike walks over to where he is. "Is this seat taken?" he asks before sitting down next to him. 

"I'm sorry I asked for a safe word, I know that you would never hurt me."

 _On purpose_ hangs in the air unspoken.

"No. It's not that. I understand why you asked for it. It just threw me off and then I started thinking and ended up getting in my head and couldn't find my way back out. I know, big surprise there."

"Anything you need to talk about?"

"No. It's nothing new. Just bad timing for it. I really hope this didn't taint the rest of the night for you."

"It didn't. I had a wonderful night. This whole thing is a work in progress, Harvey. Shit like this is going to happen. But look at us, we're talking it through like functioning adults. I'd say that's progress.

"I guess you're right. I wish the progress felt more satisfying."

" It will eventually. But hey, you know what? I think it's still early enough that we can still salvage the rest of the night with a good movie. Maybe just cuddle. If that's okay with you."

"It is. Thanks, Mike," Harvey starts to get a little choked up. "For always being so understanding of all this stuff, even when it's not easy to understand."

"Don't mention it," Mike says as he pulls himself up off the floor and extends a hand to Harvey. Harvey takes it and Mike pulls him to his feet. 

"Thanks," he says. "By the way... _briefcase_? What kind of safeword is that?"

"I don't know, I panicked and It's the first thing that came to mind!"

-

They both change into their pajamas and crawl under the covers of the bed. The tv never even gets turned on as they make themselves too comfortable, too quickly in each other's arms that neither wants to bother moving to turn it on. 

They're silent for a long time, happy to just linger in the closeness of each other. Mike will occasionally lean forward and press a soft kiss to Harvey's lips and then smile as if he'd somehow just gotten away with something. He eventually closes his eyes and Harvey just watches him. 

He thinks he's done a pretty good job of trapping the thought somewhere in the back of his mind, but as the days have dwindled it's started to force it's way to the forefront. After giving it some thought he thinks that it's maybe the reason that he had seen Luke earlier after it not being an issue for a decent stretch of time. Looking at Mike now, he's hit with a series of what if's and why's. Those usually burn in the back of his mind as is, but lately, it seems like gasoline has been thrown on that fire. 

"One week," Harvey whispers.

"What did you say?" Mike opens his eyes and asks sleepily.

Harvey sighs. "It's nothing. Nevermind. Ready to turn out the lights and get some sleep?"

"Mmmhmm."

In one week it will be what would have been Mike and Rachel's one-year wedding anniversary, and subsequently, that means that it's also closing in on it being an entire year since the day he was taken by Luke.


	53. Chapter 53

Mike is already awake when the alarm goes off, so he's able to reach over and turn it off before it's able to cause too much of a disturbance. Mike looks over at Harvey and he's still sleeping soundly and the last thing he wants to do is drag him away from that, so he decides to let him sleep while he showers and gets ready for work.

-

Harvey's still not awake when he's done, so Mike walks over to his side of the bed and gently places a hand on his arm. "Hey, Harvey," he says softly as he gives him a little shake. "You gotta start waking up."

Harvey groans and rolls away from him, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "Why?" Harvey asks.

"Um, because we have work. And we have that meeting at 11."

Harvey groans again. "Give me ten more minutes."

Mike looks at his watch. That's going to be pushing it, but he thinks they can still make it work. "Okay, ten minutes. I'll go make coffee and come back to check on you when I'm done."

There's no response from Harvey so Mike leaves to go put a pot of coffee on. 

-

Mike is in the middle of making the coffee when he spots Harvey out of his peripheral. "I knew the smell of coffee would do the trick."

"I'm not going in to work today."

"Why not? What's wrong?"

"I don't feel good."

"Don't feel good how? Are you nauseous? Do you have a headache?"

"Does it matter? I mean are you going to drag me to work depending on the answer I give you?" Harvey snaps, his tone coming out a bit harsher than he had meant for it to. 

"I was just asking so I could get you medicine if you need it," Mike says, a hint of hurt in his voice.

"I'm sorry. I just...am not feeling well. I don't know how to explain it."

Mike sighs. "Oh."

"Don't do that."

"I'm not doing anything."

"Yes, you are. You think I'm lying to you."

"I don't think that."

"Then what it is? And don't say it isn't anything, because I can see that it's _something_ by the look on your face."

Mike hesitates for a brief moment before asking "Can I be honest without you getting mad at me?"

"Of course you can."

"The idea of leaving you home by yourself all day worries me."

Harvey doesn't bother asking why, he knows why and he's not going to make Mike say it. "Mike...I'm not going to do anything."

"I trust you, it's just---"

"I know. So what do you want me to do? Go into work?"

"No, I'm not going to force you to go to work just to make myself feel better. Stay home. Get some rest."

"I'm sorry," Harvey says for lack of having anything more comforting to say.

"It's not your fault that you don't feel well. But you need to make sure you still take your meds though. And eat something with it, too. And if anything and I mean fucking anything comes up, you call me, okay?"

"Okay." Harvey walks over and kisses his cheek.

"I love you," Mike says.

"Love you, too. I'm going to go lay back down now if you don't need me for anything else."

"Okay, of course. I'm heading out of here soon anyway."

"Have a good day at work."

"I'll try."

Harvey heads back down the hallway and into the bedroom and Mike sits down and finishes his coffee. He wants to believe that Harvey is telling him the truth, but he figures that even if he knew for sure that he was, the feeling that something bad is going to happen would still be there gnawing at the bottom of his stomach.  
-  
Mike works on clearing off the stack of papers on the desk that always seems to accumulate overnight and returning phone calls and goes straight from that into the meeting with a potential client named Xavier Green, owner of Green Technologies, a relatively new tech company that's put up unheard of first-quarter numbers and is in search of a new firm to represent them. Both Mike and Harvey have been working hard on this together off and on to make it happen. They had carried the proverbial football 99 yards down the field and now all that was left to do was punch it in at the goal-line and have the client officially sign. 

But now, Harvey isn't here and it doesn't feel like Mike had been wanting it to. Mike realizes that him sulking over signing a client that is going to likely bring their firm millions of dollars in revenue is extremely short-sighted and borderline pathetic considering the real problems they've been dealt, but he is okay with being both of those two things, at least for a little bit, before having to suck it up and reel his feelings about it back in. 

-

When he finishes the meeting he goes back to his office and sits down in the chair and lets out a heavy sigh. He takes his phone from his pocket and gives Harvey a call.

Harvey, of course, doesn't answer. He has to suppress the urge to get in the first cab he sees and rush home to check on him. Harvey is okay, Harvey is just sleeping, that is what he stayed home for, Mike reminds himself. This is, however, the longest that they've been away from each other since before the night at the cabin. 

Mike tends to follow him around these days like a lost puppy, only giving him alone time when he goes to an appointment, and that's only because Harvey is always very adamant about going to them alone. He knows it bothers Harvey that he isn't giving him much space, but he also knows that because of the circumstances that lead them here, Harvey isn't going to say anything about it to him.

Mike decides not to leave a voicemail. Harvey never returns them anyway, so he just hangs up and decides that he'll try calling back in a little bit. 

"You busy?" Donna asks, popping her head in the frame of the door.

"No, uh, I was just calling Harvey. Come in. What's up?"

"Is everything okay with him?"

"Yeah. He's just feeling a little under the weather today." 

"You sure that's all it is? You look a little down."

"Yeah. It's not a big deal, I'm just a little bummed that he couldn't be here today."

"I heard who you signed. That's a big-league move, Mike. Congrats."

Mike shrugs. 

"Oh come on, Harvey can't have you _that_ jaded about things like this already. Besides, cheer up, I brought you something for a job well done."

"What is it?"

Donna pulls the arm she's had hidden behind her back forward to reveal a silver box. She places it down on the desk in front of him and he can see through the clear plastic window on top that it's full of gorgeously decorated cupcakes. "Made them myself," Donna tells him.

"Oh really, because they look exactly like the ones I love from the bakery down the street."

"Okay, so I didn't make them, but I thought about making some before deciding to buy them was easier, and it's the thought that counts, right?"

"Thanks, Donna. You didn't have to get me anything for doing my job. I mean, I'm just glad to even still have this job with how flaky I've been with showing up."

"Stop that. You've been a great asset to this firm through everything."

"Louis doesn't seem to think so."

"When has it ever mattered what Louis thinks? Don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your win and a cupcake, and make sure you save at least one for Harvey."

"I think I can manage that."

"Do you think he'll be back tomorrow by chance?"

"Yeah, he should be."

"Good. I'll swing by at some point and say hello. If you recall, he owes me lunch. Maybe you'll let me borrow him so I can cash in on that?"

"I think that would be good for him."

"And me. I miss him. But, I'll quit distracting you now and let you get back to work."

"If by work you mean eating this box of cupcakes, then yes, let me get to it."

"If you're bouncing off the walls at home tonight, just don't tell Harvey where the cupcakes came from."

"I won't incriminate you. Promise."

Donna winks at Mike and then leaves the office and disappears down the hallway. Mike opens the box and takes out one cupcake. He removes the wrapper and sinks his teeth into it. "Mmmm" he moans to nobody but himself. This is just the pick-me-up he needed. 

-

Mike finishes cleaning up his desk and decides to give Harvey a call before he heads home.

It rings a few times and Mike is expecting to hear it click over to voicemail, so he's pleasantly surprised to hear Harvey pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, uh, wow, you answered."

"Try not to sound so surprised."

"But I kind of am. I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting ready to leave the office and see if you wanted me to grab anything for dinner on the way back?"

"I'm not very hungry, but if you want to get something for yourself, you should."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm-I'm fine. I just woke up a little bit ago so I'm--still a little bit out of it."

"Oh. Okay. Are you feeling any better?"

"Somewhat."

"Hmm. Well, okay. We can talk more about it when I get home. I love you."

"Love you, too."

The call disconnects. Mike isn't quite sure what to make of that phone call and he doesn't want to read into anything the way he tends to do. He figures he'll deal with whatever it is when he's home. He grabs his bag and scoops up the box of cupcakes and heads out of the office. 

\-----

Harvey is still laying in bed when he gets home, the lights are off and Mike isn't entirely convinced that he hasn't fallen back to sleep. He has his back to the door so there's no way of telling by looking alone. He stands there for a little while, waiting to see if Harvey senses his presence. 

Harvey doesn't move in the time he stands there. "Hey, I'm home," Mike finally says as he walks towards the bed.

Harvey immediately turns and sits up in the bed. As Mike gets closer he notices Harvey's eyes are red and puffy and it looks like he had maybe been crying at some point.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" 

Harvey had hoped Mike wouldn't notice, he'd been crying off and on all day but had resolved to get his shit together after Mike had called. The cold water he had splashed on his face hadn't done much to erase the evidence. "Nothing happened," Harvey says. 

Mike crawls up in bed and positions himself at an angle so he can be face to face with Harvey. "It doesn't look like nothing. Talk to me. Please?"

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm just sad."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No." Harvey watches the way Mike's face falls in defeat. "You helped enough by letting me stay home today. I needed that," he adds in an effort to make Mike feel better. 

"I have some good news if you want it."

Harvey ventures a guess. "Do we officially have a new client?"

"Yep, that's it. He signed right on the dotted line."

"Good job, Mike."

"Well, it wasn't really a _me_ thing. This was an _us_ thing. _We_ did this, Harvey."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it."

"It's okay. I mean it was just him signing a bunch of papers, right? It's not that big of a deal," Mike replies.

Harvey isn't sure who he's trying to convince but he is sure that he's not doing a very good job at it. Indeed, signing the papers wasn't necessarily a big deal, it was almost a guarantee at that point, but Mike had very clearly given some kind of significance to it and it meant something to him, and Harvey feels bad for taking that away because he couldn't handle dealing with the real world and felt the need to spend the day in bed crying. Fucking pathetic, he thinks to himself. 

"Oh, I didn't even tell you the best part."

"What could possibly be better than signing somebody that huge?"

"Donna got us cupcakes."

"I think your priorities might be a little mixed up."

"They're red velvet cupcakes."

"I stand corrected. Did you save me any?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Can I have a kiss?"

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Ross," Harvey says before placing a finger under Mike's chin and lifting his gaze to his before leaning in closer and pressing his lips against Mike's. The kiss is long and lingers even after they've parted. 

"Okay, after that? You can definitely have a cupcake," Mike says.

"Why don't you lead the way," Harvey suggests. He doesn't actually want a cupcake right now, but he does want to get out of bed. He's been laying here way too long and his back is starting to hurt from it.

-

They make their way to the kitchen and it's only then that Mike notices the bottle of whiskey on the counter. 

"Did you drink today?" 

"No. Just thought about it. A lot."

"You know you're not supposed to drink with your meds."

"I just told you that I didn't drink."

"You did take your meds though, right?"

"Yes."

"Did you have something to eat with them? I don't see any dishes in the sink."

"Jesus Christ, what are you, my dad?"

"I'm trying to be helpful."

"I know you are, but I'm also capable of doing shit without the constant reminders."

"Shit. I'm helicoptering you, aren't I?"

"Just a little bit."

"Sorry."

"No, you're fine. You do it because you care, I need to learn not to take it so personally."

"You know, you've been pent up inside all day and I've been pent up inside the office all day, why don't we go for a walk? Get some fresh air?"

"I think I would love that. I should probably go change first."

"Why? You look fine."

"I'm wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that I laid in bed all day in."

"And you still look like you belong on the cover of GQ."

"I'm changing."

Mike throws his hands up. "Fine."

\-----

Even though they claim they're walking without direction and not to any place specifically, they always seem to end up at the same little bench on the same sidewalk every time.

It's been a while since they've been here. They sit there for a while and mostly people watch, taking turns making up scenarios for strangers that pass by. What their names are, where they're from, why they're in New York, how their life is going, the whole nine yards. Mike always ends his on a hopeful note, and Harvey rolls his eyes and tells him that not everybody can have a happy ending. It's just not feasible. 

Mike never accepts that it isn't. "Everybody can have a happy ending", Mike argues, "They just sometimes end up looking a little different than what people imagine when they think of happy endings." 

Harvey wants to ask what Mike imagines their happy ending would look like but he decides not to because he's too scared of what the answer may be, too afraid that Mike has some unattainable idea of happiness that would crush him to know he'll never be able to fulfill.

They sit in silence for a while, watching as the sky grows dark. There are too many clouds and light pollution to see any stars, but it doesn't stop Mike from looking up and imagining a sky full of them. He holds onto Harvey's hand and rests his head against his shoulder and sighs in contentment. 

-

They eventually head back home, quietly strolling hand-in-hand all the way back to the front door. 

"That was nice," Mike says as he frees his arms from his jacket and tosses it over the back of the couch. Harvey immediately scoops it up and hangs it in the closet along with his own.

"It was."

Mike is standing with the door of the fridge hanging open, taking a bite out of a leftover slice of pizza when he returns from hanging the jackets. 

"What are you doing?"

"Eating pizza?" He takes another bite. "Do you want a piece?" he asks, at least that's what Harvey thinks he asked. The mouthful of pizza made the words a bit muffled.

"No, I'm good."

Mike kicks the fridge door shut with the back of his heel. "Suit yourself." He walks over and leans against the counter. "You should eat something, Harvey."

"I am. I'm going to have one of these cupcakes."

"Very healthy."

"You're one to talk."

"Pizza has protein, thank you very much."

Harvey opens the box of cupcakes and takes one from it. "How many of these did you eat?"

"Three."

"Jesus, Mike."

"It was my lunch! Which, by the way, Donna wants to have lunch with you tomorrow."

"I know. She sent me a text earlier about it."

"Oh. Are you going to go with her?"

"Yeah. I owe her lunch. You can come too if you want."

"No, I don't want to impose. You guys should spend a little one on one time together. It's been a long time."

"It has." Harvey peels the wrapper from his cupcake and takes a bite. He chews and swallows and then sets the cupcake back down. "Okay, three of them suddenly doesn't seem that bad."

"Exactly."

Mike finishes his pizza and Harvey only manages about half the cupcake before he wraps the rest up in the wrapper and tosses it in the trash. Mike doesn't say anything. Harvey had eaten well the day before so he's not too worried about it, but it's something to keep an eye on. 

-

They watch a little bit of tv on the couch and talk some more. Harvey knows his sleep schedule is probably fucked from dozing off and on all day, so he tells Mike he's welcome to go to bed if he gets tired and that he'd just join him when he was ready, but Mike refuses, not that he had expected anything different. Harvey eventually decides to lie and tell Mike that he's starting to feel tired just so he can get him in bed at a decent hour. 

They brush their teeth and get changed, Harvey goes out and takes care of turning off all the lights and locking the front door. Sometimes the most normal, mundane things can feel like a punch in the gut, locking, and unlocking doors for him is one of those things. 

He hurries away from the door and back into the bedroom and gets in bed with Mike. He reaches over and immediately turns off his light since Mike already has his off. 

They talk a little bit but Mike's responses slowly get farther and farther apart until they are gone altogether. Harvey lays there for a long while after, just staring at the ceiling and thinking until he starts to feel like he's being drowned by his thoughts. He quickly gets out of bed and leaves the room.

He goes into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of whiskey. He sits down with it in the living room and for a long time, he just stares at it. He contemplates drinking it and all the reasons he shouldn't and can talk himself out of it, though it's short-lived because he ends up circling back to contemplating drinking it again. 

Temptation wins out in the end and he downs the entire glass. The way it burns on the way down has never felt more soothing than it does at this very moment.

He stands up and hooks his glass between two fingers and carries it out into the kitchen and places it in the sink before going back and grabbing his jacket from the closet. He puts it on and checks on Mike one more time before turning and leaving. He grabs his keys and wallet and stuffs them into his pocket before heading for the front door and making sure to open and close it while making as little noise as possible.  
He digs his key back out and uses it to lock it from the outside before continuing down the hallway.

-

It's a little after 5 in the morning when Harvey returns. He kicks his shoes off and leaves them scattered haphazardly on the floor on the way to the room. He strips out of his jacket and throws it on the bedroom floor before pulling back the duvet back before crawling into the bed. 

Mike immediately rolls towards him and uses him as a pillow. "Where'd you go?" he asks, and Harvey's not even sure he should bother saying anything because he doesn't think Mike is even awake enough to be aware that he's asking a question.

He decides to anyway. "Bathroom."

Mike doesn't say anything more, just mumbles something, and buries his head farther into the crook of Harvey's arm. 

\-----

Mike turns the alarm off and then turns to look at Harvey who is lying there, eyes already opened. "Good morning," Mike says with a smile.

"Morning. Come here," Harvey says.

Mike moves back over towards him and Harvey kisses him on the forehead.

"How'd you sleep?" Mike asks.

"Good."

"No nightmares?"

"Not that I remember."

"Good," Mike says. 

Sunlight is filtering through the curtains and highlighting Harvey's features in a way that makes him look particularly soft and vulnerable this morning.

"What?" Harvey says and Mike realizes that he must have been staring a little too long. 

"Mmm, nothing," he says before grabbing a fistful of Harvey's shirt and pulling him towards him for a kiss. It's slow and gentle and it leaves Harvey wanting more when he pulls away. Mike knows it, too. "I, unfortunately, have to go shower," he says as he slides out from underneath the covers.

He stops right outside the bathroom door and turns back towards Harvey. A playful smile spreads across his face. "You can join me if you want," he offers. "You know, to save time."

"Save time? We'll _never_ get to work on time if I join you," Harvey replies. 

"I'd be okay with going into work late."

"Go get your shower."

"All right, if you change your mind, you know where I'll be."

Harvey throws himself backward onto the pillows behind him as soon as Mike closes the door. He would love to have joined Mike, but even the idea of standing naked and exposed for that long makes him uncomfortable. It's strange how a few months have completely decimated the confidence he had for all the years prior. Sometimes it feels like his body doesn't even belong to him anymore. He hates that.

He sighs and rolls out of bed, and goes to the kitchen to make some coffee. On the way there, he picks up his shoes and socks and moves them so they're not a tripping hazard and more importantly, so Mike doesn't ask questions he's not in the mood to answer.

He puts on a pot of coffee and grabs the carton of eggs out of the fridge. Mike is never quick in the shower so he figures if he times things perfectly, he should be able to have breakfast ready right as he's finishing up.

-

Harvey has already plated the eggs, and toast is popping up. He grabs it out and spreads butter on it. He tracks back to the fridge and grabs the jar of strawberry jam from the shelf, opening it up on the way and using another knife to spread it on the bread. He doesn't see the appeal, but he knows Mike loves it. He grabs the plate and places it down on the counter at the seat Mike has claimed as his own.

He brings his own plate over and takes a couple of bites of the eggs from it, before setting his fork down and reaching for his meds. Once he has the pills held in the palm of his hand, he uses his free hand to get a glass of water. There's a fleeting moment where he thinks about just throwing them down the garbage disposal. He's not sure where the thought even came from, but he doesn't listen to it. He tosses them into his mouth and washes them down with the water. 

"You made me breakfast?" Mike says as he rounds the corner into Harvey's view. He's still barefoot with his tie draped around the back of his neck and his hair looks like he ran a towel through it and stopped at that. He almost looks like a kid playing dress-up and it's so endearing that Harvey can't help but smile. 

"Just try not to get it all over your suit, okay? I'm going to go hop in the shower."

"Wait--aren't you going to eat?"

"I did eat some already. I'll finish the rest when I'm done."

"But it'll be cold."

"I ate off a basement floor for months, I can handle some cold eggs. I'll be back. Eat your breakfast." 

It's an offhand comment and Harvey says it so casually. Mike knows that isn't meant to be read into, but it hits Mike particularly hard. He knows Harvey went through awful things, but sometimes he doesn't even think about things like this. He wonders if Harvey had to eat all his meals on the floor of that cold, dark, damp basement. That's depending on when and if Luke even decided to give him food or what Harvey had to do to get it. With how thin Harvey was when he came back and the way he can skip meals all the time, he certainly doesn't think he was eating every day. He wouldn't know though because it's another thing Harvey never talks about.

-

"Welcome back. And you're in a three-piece," Mike points out. "I still can't believe I ever questioned your vests."

"Don't feel bad, you were still buying all your clothes at Baby Gap back then, you had a lot to learn."

"And now look at me, I'm just as fashionable as you. Some would say even more."

"I assure you that nobody is saying that," Harvey says. He looks down at Mike's plate and sees that it's all but cleared. "Enjoy your breakfast?"

"I did, it was delicious. Thank you. Do you want me to heat yours up for you?"

"Nah, it's okay. I'll probably just eat the toast. We don't have a lot of time." Harvey grabs a piece of toast from the plate and bites into it. He puts it back down and starts to shuffle through the stack of mail that's been sitting on the counter. 

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something?"

"What's that?"

"Where did you go when you disappeared from the bed last night?"

"I had to use the bathroom."

"It felt like you were gone a while."

It feels like an accusation, but Harvey is careful not to respond to it like it's one. "Uh, yeah, I got a glass of water first and sat out on the balcony for a little bit before coming back. Staying home and sleeping yesterday kind of fucked me up as far as sleeping."

"Oh. Okay."

"Why? Were you disappointed that you had to settle for a regular pillow instead of using me as one for a few minutes?"

"Of course. That's the whole reason I asked," Mike jokes.

"I figured as much." Harvey checks his watch. "You ready to head out soon?"

"Don't you want to finish your toast?"

"I'll take it with me."

"What about your meds?"

" _Mike_."

Mike lifts his hands indicating that he'll back off. "I just wanted to make sure. I assure you the helicopter is still on the helipad."

\-----

Morning flies by at work, Mike can tell Harvey is trying to make up for not coming in yesterday. He doesn't need to, but he seems very much in his element so Mike doesn't bother trying to slow him down.  
He asks over and over if it's okay that he goes to lunch with Donna, and Mike all but has to push him out the door when the time comes. 

Mike knows he's in good hands and it makes him happy to have Harvey being more willing to be more social again. He's not sure if that's time or therapy that's allowing for it to happen, but he's certainly thankful for whatever it is.

Mike ventures down for a cup of coffee from the breakroom and some of those white powdery donuts from the vending machine that Harvey always bitches about when he gets them because the powder ends up all over his desk. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

"Where's your master?"

Mike jumps. "Jesus Christ, Louis. Don't sneak up on people like that."

"I can't help I'm light on my feet. I also can't help but notice you didn't answer my question. Where's Harvey at?"

"He's having lunch with Donna. Why? What do you need?"

"I was hoping to be able to talk to him. He's a hard guy to get a hold of. I mean one day he's here, the next he's not. Sometimes he's gone for weeks. You realize if that was anybody else, he'd be fired by now."

"Well, he's not anybody else, so I think that renders whatever point it is that you're trying to make moot."

"What about you? You're a nobody, yet you're just as bad when it comes to showing up to work, or is it because you're fucking Harvey that it somehow makes you exempt from the rules and standards the rest of us are held to?"

Mike picks up his coffee and grabs his pack of donuts from the bottom of the vending machine. "You're being an asshole and I'm not doing this with you."

Louis steps in front of Mike and blocks his way.

"Please get out of my way, Louis."

Louis moves closer to Mike, purposely bumping him and nearly making his coffee spill. "I said get out of my way," Mike says again, this time more firm. 

Louis finally moves, but only enough that Mike still has to brush up against him to get through.

"Tell Harvey I want to talk to him. You can send him over to my office. That isn't a request either, Mike."

Mike doesn't respond and instead hurries back to the safety of his office. He definitely doesn't have any plans on ruining Harvey's day by making him interact with Louis. 

Mike throws himself back into work. The next time he checks the time he realizes two hours have passed and Harvey and Donna still aren't back. He figures they probably lost track of time, which is fine, but he wants to make sure everything is all right. He decides to text Donna because he knows if he sends one to Harvey he'll feel guilty that he's been gone so long and try to rush back no matter what Mike tells him. 

_M: everything good?_  
_D: Great, actually! We will be back shortly, kind of lost track of time, sorry.  
M: that makes me happy to hear. no rush on getting back, take your time :) _

Mike smiles and lays his phone back down and picks his pen back up and gets back to work. 

-

Harvey comes back in through the door about 15 minutes later. 

"Sorry that we took so long."

"No worries. Did you have a nice time?"

"Yeah. It was--it felt good. Thank you for holding the fort down while I was gone."

"Anytime."

"So, tell me what's going on? What's our best course of action?"

"I called and threatened to file a complaint with disciplinary authorities about the unethical conduct, and I'm waiting to hear back but I don't think we're going to gain any leverage by doing that but what it is going to do is allow us more time to dig a little deeper into things. I've already pulled a bunch of files and that's what I'm looking through now."

"Great, so toss me one of those and we'll see what we can back them into a corner with."

Mike picks up a folder from the desk and holds it out for Harvey, who takes it before settling down on the black chair adjacent to the desk. 

He starts to look it over before looking back up at Mike. "Is this donut powder on here?"

"No clue what you're talking about."

-

Once they finish with work they pack up and head home. They order takeout and relax on the couch and bask in the aftermath of a good day. Good days are still too few and far between for either of their liking, but when they get a good one they're always sure to be extra appreciative of it. 

They waste the rest of their night on the couch tangled up in each other with a terrible movie that Mike picked out on the tv before deciding to wrap things up and head to bed.

Harvey doesn't think he'll be able to sleep again, but Mike starts stroking his hair and it's so comforting to him that his eyelids start to flutter shut and sleep is able to stake its claim on him without him having to put up much of a fight at all.

\-----

He still feels the fingers combing through the locks of his hair and he could lay like this forever. 

"I miss this."

Harvey's eyes immediately shoot open at the sound of the voice and he scurries backward and away from him when he sees Luke laying in the bed next to him where Mike had just been. 

"What--What are you--?" 

Luke fills in the rest of his question. "Doing here? I missed you. It's not like you come to see me anymore at the house."

"Why would I want to see you after what you did to me?"

"What did I do to you?" Luke asks and then laughs. "Oh right, you mean the whole recording us having sex thing?"

"It _wasn't_ sex."

"Right," Luke rolls his eyes, "I forgot they have you calling it rape now. Remind me, at what point did you tell me 'no'? Because I sure as shit don't remember that."

"I didn't have to say no, you know I didn't want it. I didn't ever--"

"Look, Harvey. I'm sorry I recorded it and lied to you about it, but I also let you beat the shit out of me because I knew I deserved it for lying to you. I think that makes us even, don't you?"

"That's not--that's not why you did that." Harvey starts to pace across the bedroom floor, "I don't want to be here with you." Harvey takes a deep faltering breath and tries to calm himself down. 

Luke walks over to him and Harvey takes a step back for every one Luke takes toward him until he runs out of space and is backed up against the wall. Luke puts a hand on either side of him to pin Harvey between them. "I thought we had something, Harvey. I thought we connected. All those long talks we had. Just you and me. You told me things you probably never told anybody else. I know I told you things I've never told anybody else. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Harvey screws his eyes shut and hopes that when he opens them again and Luke is gone. 

"I'm still here. It's fine, you don't have to answer the question. I wouldn't want to force you to do anything you don't want to."

Luke removes his arms from the wall and turns around. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an orange pill bottle and shakes it. "What are these?"

Harvey tries to swallow around the lump in his throat. 

"I asked you a question," Luke repeats.

"It's my medicine."

"So you _are_ into being drugged then?"

"Those help me."

"And mine didn't? I remember days when you _begged_ me to give you something. _Please, Luke. Please. I'll do anything_. Sound familiar?"

"It's not the same thing."

"You're right, it isn't. My stuff actually did what it was supposed to do. How's yours doing for you? How are the nightmares, Harvey?"

"What do you want from me?" he asks, his voice desolate.

"I told you, I miss you," Luke says before closing the space between them in a hurry. He brushes his hand through Harvey's hair and softly cups his face with his hand. He extends his thumb and allows it to brush ever so slightly over Harvey's lips. Harvey shudders and Luke grins ear to ear.

"I want you to do something for me, Harvey."

Harvey tries to say something but his words feel lodged in his throat. 

"I need you to close your eyes for me. Just for a second and this is all going to be over." 

The familiar phrase sends a chill through Harvey's entire body. "Luke. No," is all he can manage to say.

"Close your eyes, Harvey."

Before Harvey can do anything he hears the three deafening gunshots and Luke is dropping to the floor and there's the pool of blood and Harvey wakes up with a start, shivering in cold-sweat, eyes wide with terror, not knowing where the fuck he is or what just happened, what's real and what's not real.

His eyes adjust quickly and dart around the room and the familiarity of it all starts to sink and slow down his frantic breathing. There is no Luke here. There's just Mike. Mike who is somehow still sleeping soundly next to him. Harvey watches Mike's chest slowly rising and falling and works to match his breathing to it. In and out. In and out.

Once every single breath no longer feels like its own battle, he rolls out of bed and goes into the kitchen, and pours himself a glass of whiskey. His hand is still shaking when he brings the glass to his mouth.

\-----

Harvey is in a bad mood when morning rolls around. Mike realizes it right off the bat with how short and snippy he is with his answers and the way he pulls away from him every time he tries to initiate any sort of physical contact. Mike backs off and gives him space because he's learned trying to press on him and figure out why he's in a bad mood typically ends with Harvey lashing out and him getting his feelings hurt, and it ends up all being for nothing in the end because there's never an answer that comes from it.

Harvey has therapy in the morning, so Mike hopes by the time he shows up at work after he will have been able to work through whatever it is that is bothering him. 

\-----

There's no exchange of hello's nor is there any I missed you's when Harvey gets to work. 

The first words out of Harvey's mouth are "I need you to file that disciplinary complaint. I got a phone call on the way here and your threat of filing apparently didn't do shit."

"Sounds like it worked how I thought it was going to, it bought us time which is what the real goal was. Them wanting us to file is just confirmation that they took the bait. Let me finish this up real quick and then I'll go get that done next."

"No. I want this done now. Put whatever bullshit you're working on down, and go do what I asked you to."

Mike is taken aback by Harvey's sudden harsh tone. "Are you serious right now?"

"When I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it. You think just because you're in a relationship with me you get special privileges around here? Is that it?"

"What? No, of course not. I've never thought that. It's just that--"

"Mike, enough!" Harvey yells. "Go file the goddamn paper."

Mike stares at Harvey with a look of disbelief and hurt. Harvey doesn't flinch. Mike pushes the chair back, gets up, and exits the room with his head hung low without saying another word.

Harvey circles around the desk and sits down in the chair Mike had just been in and puts head in his hands and exhales sharply. He was already in a bad mood when he went to therapy and being there only seemed to make him more exasperated. He had only made it halfway through the session before storming out.

And now he's here and he's doing what he does best, taking everything out on Mike because it's easy to do and Mike just takes it all and will accept his apology without question and tell him how much he loves him when all the dust has settled.

It's a trap he keeps falling back into, but he doesn't want it to be that way. Mike doesn't deserve it. Harvey decides that he'll go track him down and apologize immediately.

-

He's barely ten steps from his office door when Louis walks up alongside him. Harvey doesn't slow and Louis continues to keep pace with him. 

"Harvey, can I talk to you?"

"Is that not what you're doing right now?"

"Not like this. Maybe we could--"

Harvey cuts him off. "Not now, Louis, I'm busy."

"Come on, I haven't spoken to you in months, you can't spare even five minutes for me?"

Harvey plants his heel and stops in the middle of the hall and turns his attention to Louis. "What is it?"

"I was kind of hoping we could maybe talk someplace more private. Seems a little impersonal to do it right here in the middle of the hallway. Why don't you follow me to my office?"

Harvey considers it for a brief moment before deciding he doesn't have the patience or energy for it today. If he was yelling at Mike for no reason then Louis wouldn't stand a chance. "Some other time, Louis. I need to find Mike right now."

"Of course you do. Good to know that your little vacation didn't make you any less of an asshole."

Harvey furrows his brow. "My little what?"

"Oh come on, Harvey. You expect people to believe that you were abducted and it wasn't all over the news? Give me a break."

Harvey grits his teeth and he can feel the anger starting to course through his veins. He knows he needs to not dignify him with a response and just walk away from the conversation altogether. He puts his head down and sidesteps Louis, continuing on his path to the elevators. 

Louis continues to follow him. "You want to know what I think really happened?"

Harvey ignores him and picks up his pace. 

"I think you were embarrassed about wrecking Mike and Rachel's wedding with your drunken love confession and you went into hiding after because you couldn't handle what people were going to say about you and how damaging it was going to be for your reputation."

Harvey keeps walking. Louis keeps following.

"And then you decided to make up some bullshit story about being abducted by some random stranger so you could get everybody's sympathy and slide back into their good graces. I mean, it was all pretty easy to figure out. What I can't figure out though is if Mike was in on this too?"

"Don't talk about Mike."

"I would guess he wasn't in on it because of the way he moped around here for months, but he's also made an entire career out of being a liar so it's hard to say."

"I said don't talk about him," Harvey says. This time it comes out sounding more like a warning. He makes it to the elevator and rapidly presses the button multiple times in what is starting to feel like a last-ditch effort to get away from him. 

"On second thought, the kid still mopes around here and you're back from your little stunt so--"

Louis doesn't get a chance to finish the sentence. Harvey lunges at him, grabs a fistful of his suit jacket, and uses it to spin him and drive him backward until he slams hard against the wall between the elevators. Harvey let's go of his shirt and places a forearm right on Louis' throat, pressing hard enough that he has to struggle to get any air. Harvey rears his arm back and is ready to punch when he suddenly feels himself being pulled off and away from him.

"Harvey, stop! What are you doing?!" Mike shouts, his voice is a mixture of confusion and panic.

"He...attacked...me," Louis chokes out as he holds his throat and struggles to catch his breath now that he's free from Harvey.

Mike pushes Harvey back a little farther to create enough distance that he feels comfortable that he'd at least have a slight chance at being able to stop Harvey, or at the very least slow him if he tries to make another move towards Louis.

"Harvey. Harvey! Look at me," Mike says. Harvey eventually takes his eyes away from Louis and brings them to meet Mike's. "Tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened," Harvey dismisses. He jerks out of the grip that Mike has on him and storms off down the hallway in the opposite direction.

"What the hell did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything, I told him I just wanted to talk and he freaked out and slammed me against the wall."

Mike doesn't believe it for a second, but he also doesn't feel like sticking around and interrogating Louis for what may or may not be the truth. "Just stay away from him," Mike warns before turning and taking off in the same direction Harvey had went. 

"What are you looking at? Get the hell back to work!" Louis shouts and sends the people who had started to gather to see what the commotion was about scurrying. 

-

Mike can see Harvey sitting behind the desk and he approaches the room with caution. Harvey doesn't acknowledge him in any way when he walks through the door and shuts it behind him. 

Mike approaches his first sentence with more caution than he had just walked through the room with. "Harvey, what's going on with you today?"

"You shouldn't have stopped me from hitting him. You shouldn't have fucking stopped me."

"What did he do?"

Harvey scrubs a hand over his face and pushes out a long, slow breath. "It doesn't matter now."

"It does matter. Everything seems to be setting you off today and I can't understand why or help you unless you're willing to talk to me." Mike looks at him with pleading eyes. "Please, Harvey."

"He thinks I lied about everything."

"What?"

"He thinks that I just willingly went off the grid and was on some fucking vacation because I was embarrassed about what I did at your wedding and wanted to save my reputation." Harvey is yelling but his tone is closer to hurt than it is anger. 

"That's insane. He can't possibly believe that. He's just being an asshole."

"I need to go home. I can't do any of this today."

"Okay. But can I come with you?" Mike asks and immediately readies himself for the answer to be no.

"Let's get out of here."

"Mind if I take some of this home with me to work on it?"

"Yeah. Knock yourself out."

Mike races to gather things, stuffing papers into folders and not bothering to use any sort of organization at all or even putting them into his bag and rather just tucking them underneath his arm, worried that if he takes too long it will allow Harvey to change his mind. 

"All right, I'm ready," Mike announces. Harvey leads the way out. 

\-----

The car ride home is quiet. Harvey just stares out the window and looks lost in thought while Mike stares at Harvey and wonders what's going on in that mind of his. 

They get home and both have the same idea of changing into something more comfortable. Harvey searches through his dresser while Mike blindly grabs the first t-shirt he sees and his favorite pair of jeans. He strips out of his suit and changes right where he stands. 

Harvey glances over at Mike before taking his clothes and disappearing into the bathroom with them, returning a few minutes later in a black t-shirt and a pair of jeans of his own. Unlike Mike's pair of jeans, they look fairly new and are missing the random tears in them. 

"I was thinking we could order some lunch. Maybe eat way too much and then take a nap?"

"Yeah, sure, that sounds good."

"What are you hungry for?"

"I don't know, surprise me."

"That's not helpful. Like, at all."

Mike picks a place that he knows Harvey loves and hasn't had in a while and decides to hope for the best on it when he calls and orders.

"It's going to be about 45 minutes," Mike informs when he gets off the phone. 

"Want to sit on the balcony for a little bit?"

"Of course."

They both go outside and sit in their respective chairs.

"It's so nice out," Mike says right away.

Harvey doesn't say anything in return and there's a long bout of silence before he speaks again and when he does it has nothing to do with the weather.

"It's almost been a year. Do you know that? An entire fucking year since this nightmare started."

"I know," Mike replies softly. He's been thinking about it a lot. Too much. Constantly. 

"I used to tell myself when Luke was doing his worst to me that if I could just get through it, get away from there and away from him somehow, that everything else after would seem like a piece of cake. And now--" Harvey pauses and swallows hard, "and now I'm here, and Luke's gone, and somehow everything seems like it's even more difficult to deal with. It's not fucking fair."

"It's not. Nobody should have to ever go through what you did. And I wish I could make things better for you."

"You already do," Harvey says after a short pause, "you _do_ make things better for me. But--I feel like one day something is finally going to click for you and you're going to realize that you deserve better than this and leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," Mike assures.

Harvey looks over at Mike before diverting his eyes to staring back ahead at nothing in particular. He wishes he could believe the words in the same way that Mike does when he says them to him. 

Another beat of silence stretches out between them, it's not uncomfortable, but there is a certain weight to it that neither would be able to explain if asked. It's just something that is. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Anything," Mike replies.

"Did anybody even care that I was gone? I mean, did people talk about me at all? Wonder where I was? Ask questions?"

"Harvey, if this is about what Louis said to you--"

"It's not. I mean, not entirely. I'm just curious."

"Of course people cared, Harvey. And they talked about you. A lot. I couldn't walk through the hallways without hearing somebody whispering your name. But, if I'm being honest I couldn't tell you what anybody was saying because I could never stand to listen to any of it. It was too hard for me." Mike pauses, let's out a breath, and looks over at Harvey before continuing. "I wasn't a good person to be around while you were gone. I drank too much, anything anybody said to me was never the right thing and I blamed people for shit they had no control over."

"Like Louis?"

"Like Louis. Jessica. Donna. And everyone else. I pushed them all away, kept them in the dark, and then blamed them for not being able to see things."

"Huh," Harvey says, "that sounds familiar."

"Harvey, whatever Louis said to you today, I'm sure he didn't mean any of it. In some weird Louis-esque way he was probably trying to hurt _me_ with it. Ever since you got back and he knew you were safe, he's been riding me extra hard about everything. Probably his way of getting back at me for the way I treated him while you were gone. But that also doesn't make what he said any less fucked up and I don't want you to think you have to excuse any of it either."

"I don't think I have to excuse it. At the same time, I don't think I helped the situation either. I mean, I haven't spoken a single word to him since I've been back and when he did come to talk to me, I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I haven't exactly been very sociable. You know that." Harvey sighs. "I don't know, maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow. Try to hash things out." 

Mike lets out a small laugh. 

"What?" 

"Just the fact that you're willing to talk things out with Louis after what happened today seems like a big deal. I think the work you're putting in with therapy is really starting to show and I'm just really proud of you." 

"Yeah, well, might want to hold off on that pride." 

"Why would I want to do that?" 

Harvey gets ready to tell him about what had happened at therapy and how he had stormed out in the middle of a session but before he gets the chance, there's a knock a the door. 

"Hold that thought," Mike says. 

\- 

Mike is walking in carrying the food and Harvey is just sliding the door of the balcony shut as he does so. 

Need a hand?" Harvey asks. 

"I think I got it," he responds, walking past Harvey and carrying the food over and placing it down on the coffee table. Once he does that he adds "I'll go get us drinks. What do you want?" 

"Water is okay," Harvey replies, as he starts to peek inside the bags to see what Mike had ordered. 

Mike comes back shortly after carrying two glasses of water. He hands one to Harvey, who proceeds to place it down on the coaster. He takes Mike's for him and does the same with it. 

"What do you think? Did I do good picking the place?" 

"You ordered from my favorite wing place, so I'd say yes." 

"I got the fries you like, too." Mike reaches into the bag and pulls each item out and makes a spread of it across the coffee table. Once all the food is laid out, he finally lowers himself in his seat. "What were you going to say before our conversation was interrupted?" 

"It's not important right now. Let's eat." 

\- 

They both eat way too much food and talk, and then end up in bed for a late afternoon nap that they both know is probably going to wreck their sleep schedules but they're too sated to care. 

-

The day had felt like it was destined to head towards being a total disaster but instead ended up being one of their better days. Harvey listened and talked openly about things without Mike having to pry or drag things out of him and it allowed for him to be able to gain more insight. 

However, Mike still can't shake the feeling that there's a dark cloud that is hovering dangerously close over both of their heads, threatening to unleash a downpour at any given moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to aplogize to the poor, unfortunate souls still reading this garbage and sorry for whatever the hell this chapter is. I wrote/deleted/ re-wrote it over and over and I'm just tired of looking at the shit at this point so I posted. The end is drawing near (believe it or not!) and as of right now I'm planning on two separate endings, a happy one (as promised) and then a darker one for those who are so inclined!


	54. Chapter 54

It's exactly one year since what was supposed to have been Mike and Rachel's wedding. Mike had some anxiety leading up to the day, thinking maybe it would trigger something in Harvey or maybe he himself had some unresolved feelings about it that he buried and they were going to suddenly resurface the day of, but once the day was there it didn't seem like the case.

Harvey doesn't know that and makes Mike breakfast in bed and when they arrive at work there's a pro bono that seems to have mysteriously made its way onto their desk. 

"You know none of this is necessary, right?" Mike says after skimming through the folder.

"None of what? I didn't put that folder there."

"Yeah, but you had Donna do it, which is the same thing. And not to mention the breakfast in bed? What's your excuse for doing that?"

"I can't just do something nice for the man I love?"

"Harvey, I'm being serious. I know you know what today is, and I know you're trying to distract me or whatever, but there's nothing that I need to be distracted from. It's just another day."

"You don't have any regrets about what happened? At all?"

"I mean, I regret that people initially were hurt, but I think everyone's been able to move past it. Donna told me Rachel found somebody new and she's happy in Seattle, and considering I'm currently talking to you right now, I think Robert gave up on any plans he had to kill me," Mike explains. 

Harvey studies the expression on Mike's face and looks for any sign that what he's saying is something other than the truth. He doesn't find anything remotely like that. Harvey reaches over and grabs the file from Mike's hand. "So, what you're saying is that you don't want this pro bono?" 

Mike quickly snatches it back from him. "Oh no, we're _absolutely_ doing this."

-

It had ended up being a much longer day at work than either of them had anticipated. The sun was already gone from the sky before they even had a chance to leave the building. Once they were back home, Harvey popped some Tylenol for a headache that had been lingering all day and Mike told him or rather demanded he go rest while he cooked them something for dinner.

They usually eat dinner in the kitchen, but Mike decides to switch it up and set the dining room table tonight. He even lights a few candles for some added ambiance. 

Once he's finished setting everything up and he goes to grab Harvey from the room to let him know that everything is ready.

Harvey is sitting on the bed, scrolling through his phone when he enters the room. "Dinner is done."

"All right, I'll be right out."

Mike turns to leave and go back out and get himself situated at the table. He's just sat down when Harvey follows close behind. "Wow, we haven't sat here since we had that dinner with Sean."

"Yeah, I thought we'd do something a little different tonight."

"And you even lit candles? Are you trying to seduce me, Mike?"

"If all it took was lighting a few candles to seduce you, I would have done this a long time ago."

"Now you know for future reference," Harvey says before taking a moment to observe the food on his plate. "Is that pesto chicken I see?"

"Yep. A little pesto chicken, some roasted vegetables, no biggie."

"It all looks amazing. Never would have pegged you for a cook when we first met."

"I'm no cook, I just happen to be pretty good at following recipes."

"Always so humble. You must have picked that up from me."

"I'm sure that's it. By the way, how's your head feeling?"

"I'm on the mend." Harvey picks up his knife and fork and cuts into the chicken. He stabs the fork into the piece he'd cut and brings it to his mouth. 

"Good?"

Harvey nods his approval. "Tastes as good as it looks. Maybe even better."

Dinner conversation is nothing out of the ordinary. By the end of it, Mike feels accomplished in the fact that Harvey has nearly cleared his entire plate, something he seldom manages to do anymore. 

After dinner, they work on the dishes, and Mike throws in some laundry, which they both later end up on the couch folding together while watching a movie. It's a nice, quiet, mundane night and neither of them could ask for anything better than that.

Mike fights another yawn before looking at his watch. "We should probably call it a night."

"That would require moving."

"We could sleep right here, but we'll regret it in the morning since your couch is like sleeping on a stack of bricks."

"Hey now, I won't stand for that kind of slander against my couch."

"If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you think it's comfortable, then I won't slander it."

"Okay, fine, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world," Harvey admits, "but it fit my aesthetic."

"Your aesthetic? When did you become a teenager with a Tumblr?"

"What the hell is a Tumblr?"

Mike smiles and shakes his head. "Let's go to bed. I'll explain it to you in the morning. Maybe I'll even throw in TikTok as a bonus lesson."

"TikTok? I'm pretty sure you're just making up things now," Harvey replies. 

"Okay old man, why don't you stick to something more your speed, like putting those towels we folded away? I'll get the lights and lock things up out here while you do that."

"Now that I can handle."

They both get up, Mike going right and Harvey going left as he stops to grab the basket of fresh towels on his way, carrying them to the linen closet and neatly stacking them in it.

When he finishes he gets changed and climbs onto the bed. He doesn't crawl under the covers just yet, instead of working on plugging his phone into the charger and waiting until Mike joins him. 

"What took you so long?" Harvey asks when Mike finally walks into the room.

"I couldn't find my phone."

"Maybe you should see about upgrading that memory of yours to include the phone."

"Ha...ha...or maybe you should just remember where my phone is for me since I'm busy remembering every single other thing ever?"

"I will take it into consideration."

Mike digs through his dresser and pulls out a pair of pants and a clean t-shirt. He quickly strips out of his pants and pulls on the new pair before lifting his shirt off over his head and throwing it off to the side. He grabs the new one, shakes it out of it's folded position, and pulls it on. "Are you already finished in the bathroom?"

"Yeah, it's all yours. I had plenty of time while you were on your quest for your phone."

Mike walks into the bathroom and grabs his toothbrush, runs it underwater before squeezing some toothpaste onto it, and inserts it into his mouth, and starts brushing. He steps out of the bathroom and says something to Harvey, but Harvey pretends to not understand him, so he rolls his eyes and goes into to rinse before coming back out.

"I said I need to talk to you about something."

"I know. I heard you."

"Then why did you--you know what, nevermind." Mike runs over and jumps up onto the bed. 

"How prepared do I need to be for whatever it is you want to talk about?"

"It's nothing bad. Just something I've been curious about."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"I know I said today doesn't bother me, and it doesn't, but I've always wondered why you waited until that very day. Why not sooner?"

Harvey rubs the back of his neck as he allows himself to really digest the question before answering. "I think you being with Rachel had a lot to do with it. It almost felt like a lose-lose situation. If I told you and you felt the same way, where does that leave your relationship with her? If I told you and you didn't feel the same way, I felt like it was something with the potential to fuck up our friendship and make things awkward between us."

"So why the wedding?"

"Desperation, mostly. I wasn't going to attend the wedding, or even show up at all. I knew it would be too hard for me to watch you marry somebody else. And then I changed my mind and decided I would at least drop in and see you before it happened. Once I was there, I was hit hard by the reality that you were going to Seattle and I was about to lose you..." Harvey pauses a second and sighs, "well, that kind of made the words fall right out of my mouth. I panicked. Hard. I never in a million years thought you'd actually _cancel_ your entire wedding."

"Honestly that was one of the hardest things I had to do and it felt awful, but for what it's worth, it never exactly felt wrong, if that makes sense?"

"It does."

Mike grins. "You want to know something funny?"

"What's that?"

"There were certain times when we were hanging out that I could have sworn it looked like you were going to kiss me. I would almost brace myself for it. And then the moment would pass and I'd have to chalk it up to wishful thinking on my part. _was_ it wishful thinking?"

"Definitely not. I'd thought about going for it so many times. But I would always remind myself that you were in a relationship, so I couldn't. You want to know when I knew for sure that I was in love with you?"

Mike folds his hands and places them under his chin. "I'm listening."

"Ohio."

"Our road trip," Mike recalls.

"You talked non-stop those first few hours. You told me stories about your parents, about your grandmother and I loved just listening to you because it wasn't like our conversations at work or like the ones we'd have over celebratory drinks, it felt more intimate than those. And then at one point you got real quiet, and I looked over and you were asleep, your head leaning up against the window. And I don't know, it was just something at that moment that felt, unlike anything I ever felt before. It was like you were always meant to be right there in that front seat next to me. Not just in the car, but in life, too."

Mike's smile stretches from ear-to-ear. "That's so sweet," he sighs, "imagine if you had told me then."

"Shit, I almost did. In the hotel that night. It was definitely the closest I ever came to doing it. We were sitting next to each other on the bed, you had just turned off the tv, we were getting ready to call it a night since we had to drive back early the next morning."

"You were seriously going to tell me you loved me then?"

"You were looking at me with those goddamn cloudless sky blue eyes and I almost said it. I wanted to so badly. But instead--I asked you if you needed another blanket. Jesus." 

"Wow, I remember that," Mike laughs fondly, "Ever the romantic."

"Anyway, did I answer your question with any of this shit I'm rambling about?"

"You did. Now come here," Mike says as he leans in to kiss Harvey. Just as they are about to lock lips, Mike pulls back. "Wait--but first...do you need another blanket?"

"Shut-up," Harvey says before grabbing Mike by the shirt and pulling him closer. He leans in and allows their lips to collide together. Harvey can feel Mike smile into it before pulling away. "I love you, Harvey," he says.

"I love you, too."

Mike kisses Harvey one more time, soft and sweet, before scooting over enough to reach the light and throwing himself back onto the pillow behind him. Harvey reaches for his light, turning it off and then immediately back on and turning to Mike.

"What's wrong?" Mike asks.

"I told you mine, but you didn't tell me yours. When did you know?"

"That I was in love with you?"

"Yeah."

Mike moves back up into a sitting position.

"Let me guess, love at first sight?" Harvey says jokingly.

"I don't think you'd be wrong if you were to claim it was just that. I definitely felt _something_ for you by the time I left the hotel the first time we ever met. I convinced myself it was because you took a chance on me the way nobody ever has before. But the feeling never went away." He lets out a little chuckle. "You know in cartoons when a character throws a snowball down a mountain and it eventually turns into an avalanche? That's what falling in love with you felt like for me."

"If you felt like that, why get with Rachel?"

"Rachel felt...safe. You and I were already taking such a huge risk together. Can you imagine if we added being in a relationship to that? It would have just been painting a bigger target on our backs."

"You aren't wrong there. Did you ever think about telling me how you felt? I mean, usually, you can't keep a single thought from spilling from your mouth."

"A few times. Mostly, after Rachel and I fought. Closest I ever came was when you had let me stay here after she kissed Logan. It felt like I finally had an out, and then you told me you were jealous of what Rachel and I had and that made me instantly nix any idea I had of telling you."

"Shit. Donna convinced me to tell you that. I know she was only trying to help Rachel, but that's something I've always regretted giving in and doing. It never felt right. Even more so now."

"Believe me, I knew Donna had a hand in it. But, look at it this way, if I had told you then, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to add wedding crasher to your list of many talents."

"Good to know I have a back-up plan if I ever get tired of this being a lawyer thing."

"Speaking of being a lawyer, we should probably sleep so we can do that tomorrow without having to mainline coffee."

"I'm on it," Harvey says, quickly reaching over and turning out the light. 

There are a few moments of the bed shifting and blankets moving around while Harvey works to find a comfortable position. Once he's settled in, and the room is silent, he feels Mike's leg go over the top of his.

Harvey stares at the ceiling while he waits for Mike to fall asleep, it's only then that he allows himself to close his own eyes and attempt to do the same.

It's a struggle. He tries to adjust in bed, and would probably be straight out tossing and turning if he wasn't so constrained by Mike having half his limbs hanging over him. He adjusts himself, shuffles pillows around, kicks blankets off, but there's not a position comfortable enough to dull the noise of his thoughts. 

Eventually, he drags himself out of the bed and into the kitchen. His first instinct is to reach for the alcohol, but he decides to try something different tonight. He opens the cupboard and digs towards the back of it until he finds a box of chamomile tea. Mike had bought it a while back for him and swore it's something that would help him sleep while Harvey had listened to him and rolled his eyes before shoving it to the back of the cupboard where it had remained until just now. 

He proceeds to fill the kettle with water before setting it on the stove and turning the burner on and setting the heat to high. While it heats up, he grabs a mug out of the cabinet and gets a spoon ready. He uses his teeth to tear open the packet of tea, before emptying it into the bottom of the mug. 

He sits down on one of the barstools and just watches the way the flame licks at the bottom of the kettle, water droplets starting to run down the sides as it heats up. 

He removes it from the heat seconds before it starts to whistle and fills his mug, leaving enough room to stir before carefully placing it back on the stove. 

He stirs until all the tea is dissolved and decides to mix in a teaspoon of honey just for good measure. 

Once he's finished he cautiously carries the mug into the living room and sets it down on the coffee table. He turns the tv and changes it to one of the music channels, keeping the volume down low enough that there's no chance of Mike hearing it, but loud enough that he's not stuck sitting alone in total silence. 

-

Two hours and an empty cup of tea later, he feels like he might be able to sleep if he tried. He doesn't want to give full credit to tea, but rather just his body's natural response to lack of sleep. 

He doesn't even bother carrying the cup to sink, and just heads back into the room again. When he approaches the bed, Mike has somehow managed to sprawl himself out directly in the middle of the bed, not leaving Harvey much, if any, room to be comfortable enough to sleep.

Harvey adjusts the duvet, covering Mike's leg that had somehow managed to escape and is completely uncovered now. He watches him sleep for a few minutes before deciding to go sleep in the guest room.

He heads straight for the bed, wasting no time in burying himself beneath the covers. He hasn't been in this room for a while, purposely avoiding it because of the way he had seen Luke and how real it had all felt in that moment the last time he'd been here.

Harvey pumps the brakes on those thoughts and instead shifts gears and thinks about Mike instead. He thinks about his blue eyes and the eternal optimism behind them and the way they burn even brighter when he smiles. He thinks about the way Mike had stumbled into his life and the way he had known before they had even finished a single conversation with him that there was no way that he could ever let him just walk back out of it. 

Those thoughts are what allow Harvey's eyes to finally droop shut as he is able to succumb to sleep.

\-----

The morning is a blur, they're both running late. Mike forgot to set his alarm and slept through Harvey's phone alarm and Harvey didn't have an alarm on the account of his phone being in the room with Mike.

They both head into work, though Mike is only there for the first hour or so before he has to rush off to therapy. 

\-----

"Good morning, Mike."

"Morning, Dr. Wilson."

"I told you before, you're free to call me James."

"Sorry."

"No apologies necessary. Why don't you take a seat?"

Mike sits down in the black leather chair straight across from Dr. Wilson's.

"So, how have things been for you since the last time we spoke, Mike?"

Mike takes a moment to take into account everything that's happened since the last time he was here. He straightens in his chair before answering. "Things have been---good," he settles on.

"You sound a little uncertain."

"I wouldn't say I'm uncertain."

"Then what would you call it?"

"I'd say I'm...skeptical."

"That things are actually good or skeptical that they will continue to be that way?"

"That they'll continue. It just seems like every time it feels like we're finally on the right track, that track happens to have a train on it that's barreling towards us."

"By us you mean, you and Harvey?"

"Yeah." Mike scrubs a hand over his face and sighs. "It's almost been a year since he was taken by that psychopath. I'm worried that because of that he's going to get in his head about it and undo all the progress that's been made.."

"Has he done anything to indicate to you that he's going to handle this poorly?"

"Well, no. Not exactly."

"Is it possible that you're projecting your own feelings onto him? How do you feel about it being one year?"

"First of all, I'm not projecting anything. I know Harvey. Better than anyone. Secondly, how do you _think_ I feel?"

"I don't know how you feel, that's why I'm asking you."

Mike goes quiet as he chews his bottom lip nervously and shifts a little in his chair.

"Mike?" James asks.

"I have a lot of guilt about that day. About all of it really."

"There's nothing you could have done to prevent what happened to him."

"You can't possibly know that. Besides, even if there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, I had a chance to find him. I had _months_ to find him and I couldn't do it. I missed all the clues right in front of me. For fuck's sake, I talked to the guy and I just---" Mike trails off before finishing his thought. He can feel the tears forming in his eyes so he blinks quickly to clear them.

"Could you remind me again what it is you do for a living?"

Mike furrows his brow not quite understanding what his profession has to do with any of this. "I'm a lawyer. Why?"

"Do lawyers solve missing persons cases?"

Ah, he gets it. Mike shakes his head. "No. And I know that, but...it doesn't make me feel any less guilty. I was supposed to have his back the way that he's always had mine."

"Does Harvey ever blame you for missing things or not being able to come to his rescue?"

"No. Of course not," Mike is quick to dismiss. Something Mike often clings to is the fact that Harvey has never once blamed him or made him feel like he was responsible for not being able to find him. Not even in the heat of the moment as a means of being able to hurt him with the words, the way Harvey sometimes tends to do. Mike's extremely grateful for that. He can't imagine the weight hearing something like that would put on the guilt he already lives with daily. 

"Why blame yourself then?"

Mike scoffs. "You wouldn't understand."

"You're more than welcome to explain it to me."

"I don't know if I can."

James leans forward in his seat. "Why don't you try for me?"

"Okay, let me rephrase, I don't _want_ to explain it to you."

"That's fine. We can talk about something else if you'd like."

Mike shrugs. 

"Let's talk about what kind of support system you have in place."

"Support system?"

"Who do you go to when you're having a bad day or need somebody to talk to?"

Mike hesitates. "Well...Harvey, I guess."

"Okay, and who else?"

"Umm, I have my friend Sean. I think I've mentioned him to you before."

"Anybody else?"

"Uh, Donna."

"And Donna is?"

"A friend from work."

"What about your family, Mike? I've noticed every time I've brought them up in a prior session, you were very quick to change the subject or ignore my question altogether."

"Maybe you should take a goddamn hint then," Mike snaps before realizing how harsh he had just sounded. "Sorry. I didn't mean that." He sort of did.

"It's okay. Would I be correct in assuming that you don't get much support from your family?"

Mike huffs a laugh and shakes his head. "You would be correct because I don't have a family."

"Don't have a family as in--?"

Mike is starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable. He takes a deep breath. "My parents died when I was 11, and the only other family member I had left was my grandmother and she passed away a few years ago as well. And before you get any ideas, I _don't_ want to talk about any of it." 

"I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that's been for you to deal with."

"As I said, I'm not interested in talking about it. It was a long time ago. I've already moved past it."

James doesn't say anything but instead jots something down in the small notebook that he always keeps neatly folded on his lap. He's only used it a few times since Mike's started therapy, but every time he does write something down, Mike can't help but feel bothered by it. Probably more than he should be. 

"You mentioned before that Harvey also sees a therapist, is that correct?"

"Yeah. He does."

"Have you ever joined him for a session?"

Mike laughs. "No. No, I have not."

"Why do you find that funny?"

"I don't, it's just that Harvey won't even let me drive him to any of his appointments, let alone actually go inside the building with him or participate in anything."

"So you have attempted to join him before?"

"Of course I have. Many times."

"Why do you think he doesn't want you to go with him?"

"He always tells me that it's something that he needs to do on his own."

"That's not what I asked. I asked why you think he doesn't want you there."

"Maybe he doesn't want me to be upset by anything he says. Or maybe he thinks if I'm there he won't be able to talk as freely. I don't know really, I have to drag answers out of Harvey most of the time and then decide whether the answer he gave is the truth or not, so your guess is as good as mine."

"You don't trust him?"

Mike takes instant offense to the insinuation. "Woah, I didn't say I didn't trust him. I trust Harvey with my goddamn life." 

"My apologies." He picks up his pen and writes something else down in his tablet.

Every little thing is starting to bother Mike. "What are you even writing?"

"I'm just taking notes. Does it bother you that I take notes?"

"No, it doesn't bother me. It's just---nevermind." 

"Mike, do you ever feel like you have to keep certain things from Harvey?"

"No. I mean...yes. Sometimes?" He pauses and collects himself. He's starting to feel trapped. "That's not really a fair question. If I do keep things from him it's only because I need to protect him."

"What is that you think that he needs protecting from?"

There's a long pause. 

James continues. "What would happen if you were to stop trying to protect him from things?"

Mike shoots up out of his chair. "You know what? I don't want to talk about any of this," he declares.

"They're just questions."

"No, they're not _just_ questions. They're loaded, and I feel like you're implying something about Harvey or you're making it sound like I'm doing something wrong by trying to look out for him and I don't like it."

"I promise that is not what I'm doing. Why don't you sit back down, and we can continue, if the direction I'm taking right now is making you uncomfortable we can try something else."

"No. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I need to go see Harvey."

"You still have 30 minutes left," James points out.

"What does it matter? You get paid all the same for it, don't you?"

"What I get paid has nothing to do with why I'd like you to stay."

He stands there for a moment in silence. Head bent. He takes a deep breath and grips the doorknob before looking back, "I...need to go."

-

Traffic gives Mike time to compose himself. There had been several times before that leaving in the middle of the therapy had felt like an option, but he always pushed through, because he knows it's no help if he runs every time he starts to feel uncomfortable about things. 

But this time had been different because it felt like Harvey was being used to make him feel uncomfortable. It makes Mike mad when the outside world can't seem to be forgiving to Harvey as he is. They don't get it. They don't understand the hell that he's been through. 

That said, Mike decides to call and apologize to his therapist for the way he ended the session. James asks if he'd like to return to finish the session but Mike declines, saying he needs time to think about things and they agree to just pick up where they left off next time.

With that taken care of, Mike decides to stop before getting to the office and pick up lunch. They didn't have time for breakfast and Mike knows Harvey didn't get any food on his own and he also knows how nauseous Harvey gets when he takes his meds on an empty stomach so bringing him food is the logical conclusion. He also gets coffee, because he is in dire need of it, and the stuff in the breakroom tastes more like a used coffee filter than anything else. 

-

"I've come bearing gifts," Mike says. He walks over and places the cardboard carrier down on the desk and follows it up by sitting a brown bag down next to it.

Harvey looks up from his computer screen and immediately twists the coffee with his name on it free from the carrier. "You're a national treasure," he says, as he cautiously takes a sip from the cup. "What's in the bag?"

"Your lunch. Turkey club. Avocado. Extra bacon. You didn't eat yet, did you?"

"No. I haven't even had coffee yet either, so this is perfect. Thanks."

"My pleasure." There's a brief moment where Mike wants to ask him if he took his meds, but he lets it go. He doesn't want to be accused of helicoptering again. Instead, he walks around the desk and sits on the corner of it. "What are you working on?"

"Just drafting this bullshit."

"Ah, the fun never ends. Got time for a lunch break with me?"

"Sure. Just let me save this real quick."

Mike slides a chair over so he can sit closer to Harvey, while Harvey saves his document and closes the lid of his laptop, and pushes it out of the way. Mike pulls Harvey's sandwich from the bag and hands it to him before digging his out of the bag next. 

"Why were you in the other room today?" Mike asks as he unwraps the foil from his food.

"I couldn't sleep last night. I ended up making some of that tea you bought for me. The chamomile."

"Really? Did it work?"

"Well, I slept. I think it was more total exhaustion than magic tea, however."

"Nah, it was totally the magic tea. Why didn't you come back to bed with me?"

"Because somebody was sprawled out like a goddamn starfish staking its claim to the entire bed."

"You could have woken me up."

"Nah. You needed sleep. Besides, it makes me feel less guilty about the fact that I'm going to make you finish that brief for me."

"Figures." Mike picks up his sandwich and takes a bite from it. He uses the napkins to dab at the mayo that ended up on the corner of his mouth. 

There's a brief silence in the conversation as they both work at eating their lunch. Mike sits his sandwich down. "Hey, Harvey?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you'll ever let me come to therapy with you?"

"I thought we've been over this, Mike."

"I know. We have. But my therapist seems to think it might be helpful. Maybe if I can't go to yours, you can come to mine?"

"How is that not the exact same thing?"

"I don't know. You know what? Nevermind. Forget I asked," Mike smiles weakly, before letting it fade away.

After a beat. "I'll think about it."

Mike perks back up. "Really?"

"No promises though, okay?"

"Okay."

Mike thinks about telling Harvey about how he walked out on his session today but decides to keep it to himself. This feels a little strange given the entire reason he walked out of therapy, but in the end, he's able to convince himself that not telling Harvey this has nothing to do with keeping things from him or protecting him, but rather there's no real purpose in telling him. The issue has been resolved and put to bed. 

-

After they finish lunch they fully throw themselves back into work. Mike has to make a few copies of documents and he just so happens to run into Donna there.

"What are you doing here?" Mike asks.

"It's a copy room, Mike. Take a wild guess."

"I just meant I rarely ever run into you here. And it's perfect timing because I was going to come to find you so this saves me the trip."

"I knew you were looking for me."

"Really?"

"I'm kidding. What's going on?"

"Well, it's almost been an entire year since...you know, Harvey was taken. Four days away from it, in fact. Anyway, I'm a little worried about how he's going to handle it, so I was thinking that maybe I should do something to take his mind off of it--as much as I can, anyway."

"What can I do to help?"

"I was wondering if you could maybe get us a reservation at one of his favorite restaurants. I know this is totally late notice and--"

"Consider it done."

"Really?"

"Of course. Do have a specific place in mind?"

"Maybe that seafood place he really likes. La? La something?"

"Le Bernardin?"

"Yes! That's it. Can you make it happen?"

"Who do you think you're talking to?"

Mike smiles. "Thanks, Donna."

"Is there anything else I can help with?"

"No, I think that's it. I'm also going to book a nice hotel room for the night. I feel like it'll be easier for him if he's not sitting around in the place it happened. I don't know. Do you think that's a stupid idea? It's just that I don't want him to take what I'm doing the wrong way or think that I'm trying to treat him with kid gloves. He already always accuses me of helicoptering and--" 

"Mike," Donna stops him. "I don't think he will think any of that. I think it's a very sweet and thoughtful thing for you to do for him."

Mike sighs. "I hope so."

"I'm going to finish up here, and then I'll work on getting your reservations and get back to you once I have confirmation. Sound good?"

"Perfect. Thanks again. I really do appreciate it."

"Don't mention it."

With Donna taking care of the dinner reservations for him, Mike's next order of business is finding a hotel. He leans against the closest wall and browses through his phone until he lands on something that looks like a place Harvey would choose himself if he had to. Once he officially books it and receives confirmation of it, he finally gets around to making the copies he needs before heading back to the office.

-

The workday winds down and they get home and change out of their suits. Both too tired to cook, Mike suggests throwing a frozen pizza in the oven and calling it a day, Harvey signs off on the idea.

While it cooks, they decide to sit out on the balcony and soak up the last remaining bit of daylight. 

There's not a word said between them the entire time they're out there, and sometimes there's as much comfort to be found in that as there would be if they had been having some deep meaningful conversation.

Mike had left the door cracked ever so slightly so that he would be able to hear the oven beep. When it does, he simply stands up and Harvey follows right behind him. 

Once he's back inside he grabs a potholder and uses it to remove the pizza from the oven. He lets it sit for a little while before digging around for the pizza cutter and cutting it into even slices and serving it onto two separate plates. 

"Where do you want to sit?" Mike asks.

Harvey nods towards the kitchen counter. "Right here is fine."

Mike places their plates down. "What do you want to drink?"

"Water, I guess."

"Coming right up," Mike says as he shuffles around to fill two glasses with water and carry them over. He goes back to the fridge and grabs the bottle of ranch and brings it back with him. He catches the look that Harvey gives him. "What? It's delicious."

"It's disrespectful to pizza, is what it is."

Mike slides up next to Harvey. "No way, they were practically made for each other."

"The lies we tell ourselves."

Mike picks up his slice, molten cheese dripping from the edges, and goes to take a bite. 

"You're going to burn yourself, that is still way too hot to eat," Harvey attempts to warn him. 

It doesn't do anything to deter Mike as he chomps down. His mouth suddenly opens wide as he attempts to chew while sucking in as much cool air as possible. When he's finally able to swallow it, he quickly picks up his water and attempts to extinguish the burning the roof of his mouth is currently experiencing. "You should have warned me."

Harvey rolls his eyes at him. 

Mike gives it a few minutes to cool before even thinking about taking another bite. 

"Frozen pizza is what we ate when I came home that night," Harvey says seemingly out of nowhere. 

"Shit, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking about that or I wouldn't have suggested it."

Harvey huffs a laugh. "It's fine. Believe me, eating that pizza was a good memory. I was just remembering, is all."

"Harvey?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to be okay? I don't want the fact that it's coming up on one year to be something that messes up the progress you've been making and set you back."

"I'll be fine, Mike. I'm not going to fall apart because of some stupid date."

If Mike had just heard the words, he might have been able to be convinced by them. But it's the sad eyes and feigned smile that fuel Mike's worries. "Well, if you feel like you need to talk about anything, anything at all, I'm here, and always willing to listen."

"You don't think I'm aware of that by now?"

"Doesn't hurt to have a reminder."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I think our pizza is finally cool enough that you won't melt the remaining parts of your mouth now."

Harvey is clearly over the conversation and wanting to move on, and Mike doesn't want to push so he goes along with it.

-

Once they finish their pizza, they clean up and work their way over to the couch. Mike sits down and fixes the pillow to the side of him so he can prop his arm up on it. 

"Can you lay your head here," Mike asks as he pats his legs. Harvey is never going to say no to that, so he sits down and situates himself so that his body is sprawled across the rest of the couch as his head rests comfortably on Mike's lap. 

"Is that okay? You're not uncomfortable?"

"No, this is perfect," Mike replies as he automatically starts to gently work his fingers through Harvey's hair with soft strokes. 

Harvey closes his eyes and Mike uses it as an opportunity to stare at him without judgment. He observes every line and crease on his face. His favorite is the barely-there eye crinkles that go on full display the second he smiles or laughs. Mike doesn't get to see them nearly enough these days, but then again, no amount of times would truly ever be enough anyway. 

Mike's thumb strays and he caresses it over top of the scar above Harvey's left eyebrow. It's something that isn't that noticeable just by looking at him on a daily basis, but laid down like this, up close, with his hair pushed back and away from it, it really stands out.

"That's the only scar that doesn't bother me," Harvey says, his eyes still closed.

"Sorry. I wasn't trying to--"

"It's okay, Mike. You can touch it. I'm okay with that."

Mike continues to smooth his thumb over it. "It doesn't still hurt, does it?"

"Only when I think about things too much," Harvey says. It's meant as a joke, but it comes out sounding more truthful than anything.

"You know you don't have to hide them from me? I've...well, I've noticed that you never seem to change in front of me, and always kind of seem hesitant whenever you know they'll be visible to me."

"And here I thought I wasn't being obvious," Harvey says, before pulling himself up into a sitting position. Harvey hesitates before speaking again. "I want to tell you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."

"You know you can tell me anything," Mike says, though the way Harvey has prefaced that has already put him on edge a bit. 

"I think it felt easier when I thought Luke cared. In some weird way that gave it all a reason. Without it, I feel like I have nothing now." Harvey draws in a shaky breath and continues. "I'll never understand why he did this to me. Why go to the extreme lengths he went to? Especially to have things all end the way they did? I hate that none of it makes any kind of goddamn sense whatsoever," Harvey explains, frustration and sadness dripping from his words.

"Sometimes bad things just happen, Harvey. I know that's not a fair answer or the one you're looking for, and it's certainly not satisfying in any way, but it's the only conclusion I've ever been able to come to. In my experiences, anyway."

Harvey leans forward and places his elbows on his knees, closes his eyes, and drops his head in his hands. He stays like that just for a moment, before pulling his hands away. "I think I need to go get some air."

"Sure. We can go for a walk."

"I just need a moment to myself, if that's okay."

"Oh," Mike says, "okay."

Harvey stands up, Mike does the same. "I won't be gone long," he informs before leaning in to kiss Mike before heading for the door.

"You have your phone, right?"

Harvey pulls it from his pocket and waves it for Mike to see before putting it back away. 

"Be safe," Mike says just before the door goes closed. 

There are so many thoughts that go through Mike's head any time Harvey leaves. Harvey is so unpredictable and he doesn't ever know how long he'll be gone, where he's going, what he's doing , when he's coming back, or what he's going to be like when he comes back. 

Mike decides to trust that Harvey is doing just what he said he is, and just getting some air and clearing his head. He still wishes that Harvey had just let him come along. 

He returns to the couch and throws himself onto it, before pulling the blanket that's draped over the back down onto himself. He has no plans of moving until Harvey walks right back through the front door.

-

Much to Mike's surprise, Harvey returns just shy of an hour later. He greets him with a smile and a kiss and lifts the covers enough that he can get under them and position himself right next to Mike.

"How'd the fresh air work out for you?"

"Exactly as intended," Harvey says, leaning his head against Mike's shoulder. "What are you watching? The Notebook?"

"Now, why would I be watching your favorite movie without you here?"

"Ha, funny."

"For the record, I have no clue what I was watching. It was some movie with Mark Hamill but I only caught the end of it."

"Star Wars?"

"No, not Star Wars. Do you think I wouldn't recognize a Star Wars movie? Give me a break."

"Wow, take it down a notch. You nerds are so touchy about your Star Wars."

"Says the Trekkie."

"Touché. Here, give me that remote, I'll find us something," Harvey says as he stretches his arm out and grabs the remote from the coffee table.

He browses through things, screen after screen until finally stopping. "All right, here we go."

"Evil Dead?"

"What? You're not a fan?"

"I am. It's just, I think I prefer the remake."

Harvey gasps overdramatically. "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah, and now I'm going to have to find a way to permanently scrub it from my brain."

"Well, while you're busy scrubbing your brain, I'm going to go make some popcorn." Mike gently pushes Harvey off of him and heads for the kitchen. "Do you need anything?" he yells in.

"No, I'm good."

Harvey listens as Mike shuffles around the kitchen and he can hear the sound of popcorn popping in the microwave as the smell permeates throughout the entire house. When Mike returns a few minutes later he's carrying a bowl and juggling two cans of soda in his arms.

Harvey grabs the bowl from him, freeing up his hands so he can set down the sodas. "I brought you a drink. I know you said you were good, but I also know if I didn't bring this you'd be getting up in twenty minutes and I kind of have plans to use you as a pillow."

"I certainly wouldn't want to interrupt your plans."

They cozy up together and watch the movie. They talk a lot throughout the movie while munching on handfuls of popcorn, that they will surely be finding pieces of on the floor and in the cracks of the cushions tomorrow. Mike follows through on his plan to use Harvey as a pillow about halfway through the movie and Harvey's only complaint is that he wished he had done it sooner. 

-

"You really think the remake is better than that? I mean, come on, that's a masterpiece," Harvey says when the credits start to roll.

"That was pretty good. Maybe I need a refresher. Want to watch the remake tomorrow so we can compare?"

"Consider it a date. But for now, we should probably get to bed."

"I'm telling you, Harvey, if you get a more comfortable couch we can just sleep here."

"Yeah, yeah. Until that happens, why don't you move your ass so I can start to feel my arm again."

"I'm moving," Mike says. He sits up and slides over and stretches his arms above his head while letting a yawn out. "Should we just leave this and take care of it tomorrow?" Mike asks, head nodding towards the near-empty popcorn bowl and empty soda cans. 

"I'm okay with it."

"You realize I've made you so much less uptight, right?"

"I was never uptight."

"There's no way you would have been okay going to bed with anything less than a pristine living room before you met me."

"So what you're really saying is that you've gotten me to lower my standards?"

"Po-tay-to, po-tah-to."

Harvey tosses a stray piece of popcorn at Mike. "Go to bed."

"I'm working on it."

They lock the door and turn out the lights and head into the bedroom to change. Harvey actually changes his shirt while Mike is in the same room as him. Mike tries to pretend that he didn't even notice that he did it because he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. Small signs of progress like that can seem so big sometimes. 

They crawl into bed and turn off the lights. Mike rests his head on Harvey's chest and sighs softly. "I love you," he mutters against Harvey's shirt.

Harvey presses a kiss to the top of his head. "Love you, too."

\-----

The next few days greatly reduce the anxiety that Mike had been having about the one year mark messing with Harvey's head. If anything, it's almost like it's had an opposite effect and Harvey has been being _more_ open with him about things, especially late at night when he's wrapped in the safety of Mike's arms. 

With things going so well, Mike starts to question if doing the whole dinner and hotel thing tomorrow is a bad idea. He thinks about all the ways that Harvey could misconstrue the gesture and the potential it could have to come across wrong. He might be doing it as a distraction but he doesn't want Harvey to think that he thinks he's not capable of handling the day without one. He knows any of the reasons that bounce through his head probably sound totally irrational, but that does nothing to stop them from constantly filtering through. 

He decides to talk to Donna and share some of his fears with her when he seeks her out to ask about the dinner reservation for the umpteenth time because he wants everything to go perfectly. She assures him that it's a great idea and that Harvey would never be mad about getting to go on a date with him, especially one taking place at one of his favorite restaurants.

Mike leaves the conversation feeling back on board with the idea and excited to be able to treat Harvey to a night that he is so deserving of after all he's been through and the strides that he's made in such a short amount of time. 

\-----

Mike reaches over in the bed and it's empty. He looks at the clock and it's barely 6. He sits up just enough to see that there's no light on in the bathroom, so he rolls out of bed and shuffles through the house to find him.

He catches a glimpse of Harvey on the balcony and approaches it. He's leaning up against the railing with his elbows just staring ahead.

Mike slides the door open enough to be able to squeeze through and walks up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on his left shoulder. "Good morning," Mike says, his voice still heavy with sleep.

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No. Is everything okay with you?"

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I think maybe I underestimated how today would make me feel. And it's not necessarily all bad, it's just...weird, I guess."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now. But don't take that offer off the table. Okay?"

"I won't."

Harvey places his hands on top of Mike's that are still wrapped comfortably around his waist. "You missed the sunrise, by the way."

"They'll be more. You know, if we went back to bed we could still get a solid 2 hours of sleep."

"Mmm, tempting. But I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep. I might just see how many cups of coffee I can consume in those same two hours instead."

"I'll go put on a pot." Mike gives Harvey a squeeze before slipping his arms away from the comfort of Harvey's waist. Harvey lets out a small sound of protest before turning towards Mike.

"You coming?" Mike asks.

"Give me a few more minutes." Harvey kisses him lightly on the lips, before pushing him towards the direction of the door. "You go ahead."

Mike goes.

-

They're two coffees deep by the time they get to work. Harvey works on drafting a pleading for a client, while Mike makes a few phone calls before having to head off to meet with a client. 

"You sure you don't want to tag along?"

Harvey looks up from behind his screen. "No. I wouldn't want to interrupt your process."

"I didn't realize I had a process. Care to tell me what it is?"

"You know, it's the one where they tell you their story and it makes you get all Bambi-eyed and then you come back and tell me all the reasons we need to take the client so we can help them."

"That's good. But you left out the part where I give you sad puppy eyes and you can't say no to my request and we end up working the case together. _Your_ process, if you will."

"Why are you still in my office talking?"

"Fine. I'm going. You sure you're all good here?"

"Weird, I _still_ hear you talking."

"Going."

-

Mike's meeting with the client takes a lot less time than he had anticipated, which works out well because it gives him time to run back home and pack a small overnight bag so that they'd both have something to change into. He also grabs his tux from the closest and brings that along with him.

Once he's gathered everything he needs, he double-checks his mental list and heads back to work. He takes the long route through the halls to avoid any chance of Harvey seeing him so he can stop by his own office and hide the bag and his tux in there before returning to Harvey.

Harvey's so focused when he walks back in that he doesn't even notice he's come back right away.

"Hey," Mike greets.

Harvey finishes typing on his computer before looking up. "That was quick. How'd it go?"

"Good."

"Did you fall in love with them?"

"I want to take them on as a client if that's what you're asking."

"So that's a yes then to falling in love?"

"The guy is 75 years old."

"Age is clearly just a number to you."

"Shut-up," Mike says jokingly. "Are you still working on that pleading?"

"You know, you're--" Harvey stops to fight a yawn. "You're more than welcome to take over for me."

"Okay."

Harvey raises an eyebrow. "Wait, are you serious? You want to do this?"

"Sure. But under one condition."

"I knew it was too good to be true. What's the condition?"

"You go home and take a nap."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you're obviously tired and didn't sleep well, and I want you to be well-rested when I take you out on a date tonight."

"A date?"

"You know, one of those things where you go with another person to a place and spend time together, maybe eat some food."

"I know what a date is, but why?"

"Because I want to do something nice for you."

"What about work?"

"I'll take care of everything."

Harvey looks like he's considering but there's a definite reluctance coming from him. "Please?" Mike adds.

"Where are you taking me to?"

Mike smiles. "It's a surprise. But wear something nice."

"What time?"

"I'll text you when I'm on my way home, I should be able to get back sometime around 7. That will give us plenty of time to get there. Sound good?"

"Are you sure you want me to go home? There's a lot of work to do."

"I can handle it. Go home. Get some sleep. And if you can't sleep, treat yourself to a hot bath. Enjoy the rest of the day off."

"All right, if you insist," Harvey stands up from his desk chair and points his hands at the now empty chair. "It's all yours."

Harvey still doesn't seem entirely on board with the idea, and Mike's not sure if his reluctance is directed towards going on a date in general or perhaps he just doesn't want to spend time alone today, of all days, which is something Mike didn't exactly take into account and now feels incredibly stupid for not doing. It's only a few hours though, so it shouldn't be a big deal, especially if he can sleep through them. 

Mike walks over to Harvey and sticks out his closed fist for a fist bump. "I'd kiss you, but I'm not entirely sure what the fraternization policy is here."

Harvey takes his fist and pushes it out of the way, before taking a step towards him and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "When have we ever abided by any rules?"

"Mmm, good point."

"All right, I'm going to get out of here before you come to your sense and change your mind." Harvey uses his fingers to check off his list. "Nap. Dress nice. 7 o'clock. Does that sound right?"

"Perfect. Make sure you text or call me just to let me know that you got home safe."

Harvey mocks a salute. "Sir, yes, sir."

\-----

Once Harvey is gone, Mike dives head-first into work. He finishes what Harvey was working on and then goes back to work on a draft. He only looks up from the computer when he hears his phone buzz on the desk. He stretches back in the chair before checking. It's a message from Harvey saying that he just arrived back home and that he's going to attempt to lay down for a little. 

Mike replies, sets his phone back, and refocuses on the work in front of him. 

-

Mike doesn't get nearly as much work done as he initially thought he'd be able to, but still enough to feel pretty accomplished. He shuts down the computer and cleans up the desk area.

After he's finished there, he heads back over to his office and grabs the garment bag containing his suit. He unzips it and pulls the suit out. He carries it down the hallway and into the bathroom, so he can change. 

He fixes his tie in the mirror and does the best he can to smooth his hair down just using his hands. A comb somehow eluded him when he was making his mental checklist of things to bring. 

He adds a little bit of water to slick down the last stubborn hair before staring himself down in the mirror. 

"Not bad," he says to himself. "Or at least, not the worst," he shrugs.

He heads back to his office to grab the overnight bag to bring with him. He definitely doesn't want to forget that. Once he has that in tow, he heads outside to see if his ride is here yet. 

-

Mike had thought about getting a limo for tonight. He'd even called to just inquire but ended up just getting in touch with Ray instead and asking if he'd be their driver for the night. He knows Harvey hasn't seen him in a long time and thought it would add a little bit more personal touch to the night.

Ray is leaning against his car when Mike comes out of the office. 

"Hey," Mike greets him with arms wide open.

Ray steps into his arms for a quick embrace. "Long time, no see."

"Yeah, I know. Too long of a time. It's good to see you."

"Good to see you, too."

"Thanks for doing this. I know I was very last minute with getting in touch with you."

"I was happy to get your call. You know, I called Harvey a few times after hearing what happened to him. Always went to voicemail," Ray explains.

"I hope you didn't take it personally. He wasn't really sociable with anybody for a long time."

"And now?"

"He's doing better. He'll be happy to see you."

"In that case, you ready to get out of here?"

"Absolutely."

Ray opens the door for Mike and Mike climbs inside and Ray shuts the door behind him. As Ray walks around the driver's side, Mike works on digging out his phone so that he can text Harvey.

_M: getting ready to leave now, see you soon! :)_

Mike hangs on to his phone, in case Harvey decides to message him back. He rests his head back against the cushion behind him and lets the soft music Ray has playing through the speakers quell his nerves before they have a chance to get the better of him.

-

The car eventually slows to a halt outside of Harvey's place. Ray starts to get out so he can open Mike's door, but Mike stops him before he has a chance.

"No, no, no, you don't have to do that. I got it. I'm going to run up and grab him, hopefully, he's ready to go and we'll be right back down."

Ray nods his head and Mike opens the door and gets out. 

-

Mike enters the building and makes his way to Harvey's, he checks the door and it's locked so he quickly digs through his pocket for the key and uses it to unlock the door. "Harvey? I'm home," he announces as he pushes the door shut behind him. 

Mike walks down the hallway and past the kitchen, when he rounds the corner he sees Harvey sitting on the couch. His suit jacket is thrown over the arm of the couch. He has the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up and a few of the buttons undone. He looks rather disheveled. 

"What's going on, Harvey?" Mike asks. 

Harvey wordlessly picks up the near-empty glass in front of him and throws it back. There's a bottle of scotch sat next to where he places it back down. 

"Why are you drinking? We're supposed to be going on a date."

"About that," Harvey starts before picking up the bottle and re-filling his glass, "I'm going to need a raincheck."

The way Harvey's words slur force Mike to put to bed the possibility that he could have just had one drink. This is much more concerning. Mike takes a few steps closer. "What happened?"

He takes a sip from his drink and winces at the burn. "I was looking for those cufflinks you got me for my first birthday after we'd met. A birthday I specifically told you not to get me anything for, but you being you, couldn't _not_ get me something. Anyway, I just thought they'd be a nice touch to my suit tonight, but I searched everywhere and couldn't find them. But--" Harvey pauses again to take another sip from the glass. "I did find something else."

"What?"

Harvey reaches over to his right and lifts a piece of paper into view. He tosses it down onto the coffee table where it slides a few inches before coming to a stop. "You recognize that?"

The color instantly drains from Mike's face and his heart feels like it's lept up from his chest and lodged itself in his throat. "Can I explain?"

"No, you can't," Harvey answers firmly. "You know when you could have explained? When I asked you right to your face if you had ever gotten a letter from Luke."

"Technically, I didn't. It was addressed to you."

Harvey pounds his fist against the table. "Now's not the time to be a goddamn lawyer!" 

Mike tenses and swallows hard. 

"You were always pushing the narrative that Luke got himself killed on purpose, and I never believed that, but turns out you were so confident about it because you knew all along."

"Harvey--"

"Don't Harvey me. It was just a few nights ago that I opened up to you and shared that it bothered me that I didn't have answers to things and you had those answers, Mike. How could you keep that from me?" 

Mike can't tell what's worse, the look of devastation and betrayal on Harvey's face or the way it's clinging to his each and every word. "I thought I was protecting you."

"Bullshit."

"No, it's not bullshit. That _letter_ is bullshit, Harvey. It's his last attempt to manipulate you. He didn't get himself killed because he felt bad about what he did to you or because he knew he wouldn't be able to stay away or whatever bullshit lies he wrote, he did it because he knew he was caught and it was the easy way out for him, don't you get that?" 

Harvey exhales a shuddered breath as he stares blankly ahead, a single tear finally spills from his watery eyes and he wipes it away before saying "I want to show you something." He stands up just enough to be able to reach the laptop at the far end of the coffee table and drags it back so that it's positioned in front of him. 

"What is it?"

"Sit down," Harvey says. It doesn't exactly sound like a request. 

Mike sits and Harvey opens the laptop and as soon as Mike sees the screen he stands up. Harvey catches his arm and pulls him back down hard. "I _said_ sit."

"Harvey, I don't--"

Harvey cuts him off immediately. "It's not--it's not what you think. Okay? Just watch."

Mike reluctantly looks at the computer screen and even though Harvey says it's not, it looks exactly like what he thinks it is. It's the video Luke had sent Sean, the one that Harvey had watched and it had ended up sending him spiraling so bad that he ended up alone in a cabin thinking a handful of pills was the only way to make all the hurt stop.

The video shows Harvey and Luke in a bedroom. Even just seeing Luke again makes Mike's stomach twist into a knot and the bile rise in his throat. 

Harvey is lying flat on a bed. He almost looks like he's asleep. Luke is positioned next to him on his knees. He carefully pulls Harvey's limp body up into a sitting position, allowing Harvey's head to slump against his shoulder. He holds him steady with one arm placed on his upper back. Using his other hand he grabs the shirt next to him and works it open enough that he's able to slip Harvey's head through the neck hole. Once it's through, he straightens it and slowly lays him back down, before adjusting the pillow behind his head. Harvey stirs a little and lets out a small, barely-audible moan. Luke shushes him and strokes his cheek. "Relax, sweetheart. You're okay. It's all going to be okay." 

Mike puts together that this must have been _after_ it had happened. It's not any kind of relief.

Luke's words work to still Harvey and he works next on getting his arms into their respective sleeves of the shirt.

Mike turns to look at Harvey, wanting to gauge his reaction, to figure out what he could possibly be gaining from watching this. He looks wrecked. His deep brown eyes are filled to the brim with tears and it's amazing he can see anything at all through them. Mike looks down and Harvey's leg is bouncing. A nervous tick that was something he never did before Luke. He looks back at the screen, which Harvey is still staring at, as intent as ever.

"Look how gentle he was with me," Harvey says. 

Mike's head jerks over to look back at Harvey as if he needs confirmation that those words had actually just come out of Harvey's mouth. Looking at Harvey, Mike's not even entirely sure that it was directed towards him, or rather if it's just Harvey making an observation. It sends pain blooming through Mike's entire chest all the same.

"He didn't want to hurt me," Harvey adds. His voice is even softer than before. A few of the tears finally spill over and roll down his cheeks. Harvey doesn't bother wiping them away. He keeps his eyes fixated on the computer.

"Harvey...let's turn this off. _Please_ ," Mike pleads.

"Just...watch," is all Harvey replies with.

Mike turns his attention back to the screen and Luke is pulling a blanket up and covering Harvey with it. "Luke," Harvey suddenly cries out his name. The tone of his voice is so weak, so unlike Harvey. Luke continues to work on tucking the blanket around him. Harvey tries to move, it looks like he's struggling to sit up. "What's....what...I can't...Luke...I feel...help..me...please," his words trail off and a broken sob escapes Harvey's throat.

Luke places his palm on Harvey's chest and pushes him back down against the mattress. "Shhh...it's okay, Harvey. I'm right here with you," Luke soothes. "Everything is going to be okay. Just close your eyes. You were such a good boy for me." He crawls up next to him in the bed and starts to softly card his fingers through Harvey's locks. Harvey seems to calm down and stops struggling to move.

"There you go. Get some sleep. You know I'll always take care of you," Luke tells him before leaning down and kissing him softly on the lips.

Mike feels like he's going to be sick. He reaches out and slams the laptop shut hard enough that he thinks he might have broken it. "That's enough of this shit!"

Harvey barely reacts. Instead, he reaches for his glass and downs a large gulp from it. He keeps the glass clutched in his hand as leans back against the couch. "The Luke in that video is the same one that wrote the letters. I only wanted to show you that he did exist, that there was a part of him that cared about me. Even if he cared in a way that won't ever make sense to anybody but me."

Mike reaches over to the laptop and yanks the flash drive out of it. "I'm getting rid of this."

Harvey grabs his wrist and looks up at him. "Mike, give it back." Harvey is trying to sound threatening but the sadness in his eyes makes it come out sounding more like a desperate plea than anything else.

Mike yanks his wrist back, freeing it from Harvey's grip. "This isn't healthy, Harvey." 

Mike turns and heads towards the kitchen. He quickly looks through the drawers to find something to smash it with. He can see Harvey approaching in his peripheral and it makes his heartbeat quicken.

He finds a meat tenderizer and it's going to have to make do. He places it down on the counter and gets ready to swing down on it.

"Mike, please. Don't do it, please just give it back to me," Harvey begs. 

Mike can't look at him. Not now. He knows if he looks at him, he'll give in and won't be able to bring himself to do it. He slams the tenderizer down onto it. Again. And again. And again. He doesn't stop until he is positive that there's no chance that anything on it is recoverable.

Mike finally looks over at Harvey and Harvey is looking at him like he's drowning. As if he thought Mike was the rescue boat and instead he had turned out to be the ocean. "How could you do that to me?"

"I did it _for_ you, Harvey."

Harvey walks over, pushes himself past Mike, and extends his arm out to grab his pill bottles off the counter. He doesn't say anything, just turns and starts to walk away.

"What are you doing with those, Harvey?"

"Getting rid of them," he says flatly.

"You can't get rid of them. You _need_ them."

Harvey stops where he's standing. "No. I don't. I'm done with all of this. The pills. The therapist. The psychiatrist. I'm done with everything."

"Just give me the pills, Harvey. You're having a bad day, things will get better."

"They won't!" Harvey yells. "They will never be better. Get it through your goddamn head!"

Harvey starts to move again and Mike follows after him. He refuses to believe that Harvey actually believes that. Once Harvey feels Mike's presence behind him he stops, turns around, and shoves him backward. It's not a hard shove, more of a warning than anything else. "Get away from me."

Harvey walks towards the bathroom, Mike still follows. There's no moment where he thinks he should just back off, he refuses to let Harvey quite literally flush his recovery progress down the drain. 

Right as Harvey is ready to cross the threshold of the bathroom, Mike makes a move and extends his arm to grab the pill bottles from Harvey's hand. He manages to get only one, the other drops to the floor and rolls away. Mike scrambles to go pick it up, but before he can, he's being pulled away and slammed up against the wall just outside the bathroom. Harvey pins him there with a forearm under his throat.

"Drop the bottle, Mike."

"I can't--I can't let you do this."

"I'm not going to keep asking." 

"Harvey, they help you. I've seen it with my own eyes." 

"I still have nightmares. I still see him. I think I still see him. God, I don't even know," Harvey says, his voice is borderline frantic.

Mike's more scared by that bit of information than he is by the fact that Harvey has him pinned against a wall and has been slowly pressing down harder and harder on him. He'd never let Harvey know that. 

"It's okay, Harvey." Mike gasps for a breath of air. "You-you can try a different medicine, but you have to stay on this one until your doctor says it's okay."

Harvey tilts his head. "You _want_ me to keep being poisoned?"

"N--nobody is poisoning you, Harvey. Just please get off of me, you're--you're really starting to hurt me."

"Give me the pills."

"No."

Harvey uses the arm not pinning Mike down to reach down and grab the wrist that Mike has a white-knuckled grip on the bottle with. He clutches even tighter to it.

"Give it to me. This is the last time I'm asking you. I don't want to have to hurt you, Mike. Please don't make me hurt you."

With tears in his eyes, Mike shakes his head. "I can't. I can't let you undo your progress. I've-I've seen parts of you come back, parts I thought Luke stole forever. But they're there. And I just...can't. Hurt me if you have to...but. I won't."

Mike had hoped maybe his words could get through to him and maybe they did because the grip on him loosens. Harvey still has a fist full of fabric in his hands and he lets his head down low and before Mike even has time to catch his breath from the pressure finally being off of him, Harvey's yelling "goddamn it" and his fist is swinging right at him. Mike braces himself for the impact, and the fist connects with the wall instead, leaving a dent in the plaster directly next to his head.

Mike sinks down to the floor, mouth agape, completely in shock. Harvey grabs the pill bottle from his hand before Mike can even reconcile what the hell just happened. 

"Go home, Mike," he tells him. 

Mike doesn't move. He just sits on the floor shaking as he's forced to listen to the sound of Harvey flushing his pills down the toilet. 

When Harvey comes back out, Mike still hasn't moved. "What are you doing? I told you to go home."

"I-I," Mike stutters. He drags himself up off the floor and tries to pull himself together enough to form a coherent sentence. "I thought this was my home."

"Get out. Now."

Mike doesn't dare argue with him, not tonight, not after Harvey just punched a hole in the wall mere inches from his head. "Okay," Mike says. He looks at Harvey for any sign that he might come to his senses, or snap out of it or do anything but look at him like he can't stand the sight of him. He doesn't find it. 

Mike leaves.

Harvey walks back over to the couch once he's gone. He picks up the bottle of whisky with trembling hands and refills his glass one more time. He breaks down before he can even bring it to his mouth.


	55. [happy ending 1/4]

Mike stops right before the exit of the building. He stands there for several minutes, taking slow breaths in and then exhaling them out. He needs to keep himself together, if not for just a few moments longer.

He takes one last breath and pushes open the door. He walks out and approaches Ray. He smiles. He thinks he's smiling anyway, it doesn't feel right. 

"Where's the man of the hour?" Ray asks.

"He's not feeling too well, and we're canceling our plans. I feel terrible for asking you to do this and then having this happen." Mike starts to dig out his wallet from his pocket, his hands are still shaky which is increasing the difficulty. 

"No, you don't have to give me money."

"Please, just take something. I feel awful," Mike says, trying to shove money towards him.

"Put your money away, Mike. Buy me a coffee sometime and we'll call it even."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Tell Harvey that I hope he feels better and to not be such a stranger."

"I will."

"You take care, Mike."

"Thanks. You too." Mike doesn't bother trying to force another smile. He doesn't have it in him. He watches as Ray walks around to the driver's side, opens the door, and gets in. The ignition starts and he pulls away from the curb and slowly disappears down the street.

Mike just wants to collapse on the sidewalk. Lay down on the ground and stay there in hopes that it takes mercy on him and swallows him up.

 _Go home_ , Harvey had said. What Harvey didn't realize is that home isn't a place for Mike, it's a person. It's him. It's always been him. Mike can't stand the thought of going back to his place and sitting alone with his thoughts, so he calls a cab and has them take him to someone who he knows won't ever turn him away.

-

Mike knocks on the door with a heavy hand. He kept it together while talking to Ray and on the ride here, but as soon as Sean opens the door he comes apart at the seams.

"Mike? What are you doing here?" Sean asks, a confused look on his face.

"I messed up, Sean. I messed up bad."

"Come inside," Sean says. Mike steps in and Sean guides him gently with a hand on his back before shutting the door behind him. "What the hell happened?" 

"I-I..think...I ruined...r-ruined everything. Harvey h-he kicked me out and," Mike's breathing is harsh and tears are pooling in his eyes threatening to spill over. "I-I.."

"Mike, you need to calm down. Come, on. Sit down. Take a few breaths. I'll get you some water."

Mike nods his head and sits. His heart is racing and his throat feels constricted and it doesn't feel like there's any air left in the room. He loosens his tie but it does nothing to help. Instead, it makes him think of date nights that never happened and the heaviness of Harvey's forearm under his throat, holes in walls, and the way he had ruined everything. "I-I can't breathe," he says. 

Sean comes rushing back into the room. "Mike, you can breathe. You just have to focus." Sean kneels in front of him so that they're at the same level. "Look at me? In and out, all right?" Sean tries to set a slow and even breathing pattern for Mike to follow. 

Mike draws in a shuddered breath and Sean continues guiding him and after a few minutes, his breathing begins to even out, and Sean can move from the floor up next to him on the couch. He twists the cap off of the water bottle and holds it out for Mike, who takes it with shaky hands and takes a small sip from it. Sean gives Mike a few reassuring pats on the back. "You good now?" he asks.

"Yeah. I think so. Thanks."

"I didn't know you were still having panic attacks."

"I'm not. I mean, I wasn't. I haven't had one for a while. And then...well, and then tonight happened." Mike's chin quivers as he fights to rein in the tears.

"Tell me what happened."

Mike runs his hand over his face and closes his eyes for just a moment, trying to decide where the hell he should even start. "You know the letter you got from Luke?"

"What about it?"

"Harvey got one, too. Only I kind of intercepted it, opened it and read it and then decided to keep it from him."

"And he found out," Sean quickly concludes.

"Yeah. He was looking for cufflinks, of all fucking things. I should have gotten rid of it. I should have burned it."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because Luke confessed in it to purposely getting himself killed. Harvey blamed me for that happening, he blamed you, he blamed himself. It felt like proof. And if that's all the letter had said, I would have given it to him, but--it's everything else that stopped me."

"What else did it say?"

"It was a love letter to him. He talked about how he was so sorry, that he never meant to hurt him, how special Harvey was to him, all the ways he loved him. And Harvey--Harvey just...he just fucking believes it all. Every lie of it." He blows out a breath and hangs his head, before looking back up at Sean. "Do you know how bad it hurts to feel like I'm playing second fiddle to somebody like Luke?" 

"Mike," Sean says his name softly. 

Mike waits for something to follow that. Some sort of words that can fix things or make him feel better about any of this, but they never come.

"He said look how gentle he was with me."

"What?"

"Harvey made me watch the video on the flash drive."

"Why the fuck would he do that? Why is he watching it?"

"It wasn't--it wasn't that part. I think it was...after everything. Luke was putting clothes back on him." Mike squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his jaw. "Harvey was so out of it and he didn't know where he was and he--he just sounded so...scared. God, Sean," Mike chokes out. He wipes at the tears that he had been fighting to hold back. "Why would you let him keep that?" 

"I didn't _let_ him do anything. He took it and I didn't fight him for it because I wasn't exactly interested in going a second round with him and ending up on the ground bleeding like the last time."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to blame you. I'm just--. It doesn't matter now. I took it from him and I smashed it."

"How'd Harvey take that?"

"Not well. He begged me not to. You should have seen the way he looked at me after I did it. Like I had done something so unforgivable to him." 

"You did the best thing you could for him by getting rid of it. Whether he thinks so or not."

"He told me he was done with everything because of it. No more therapy, no more psychiatrists, no more pills. Does _that_ sound like the best thing to you?"

"He doesn't mean that. He's just angry."

"He flushed his pills down the toilet. I tried to stop him and he--" Mike stops himself, wondering if it's a good idea to even be telling Sean any of this.

"He what?"

"Nevermind." 

"No. Tell me what he did, Mike. Did he hurt you?" Sean asks. His eyes move up and down surveying Mike for any sign that Harvey had put his hands on him in any way.

"No," Mike lies, "of course not." Mike decides it's best to not say anything. Harvey didn't hurt him. Not really. Not anything he couldn't handle, anyway. Sure, he scared him. And maybe he's still not entirely sure that Harvey had intended for the wall to be his target when he put his fist through it, but telling Sean that isn't going to do any good. Sean will only blame Harvey and make him out to be someone he's not even though Mike lying is the thing that started this whole mess.

Sean frowns. He doesn't look like he believes a word of what Mike's saying, but he doesn't press the issue any farther either. "Is Harvey still drinking?" he asks instead.

"Yeah," Mike admits softly. "But he'd been doing really good up until tonight. He would only drink if he needed a little help sleeping, and he'd always stop at just one. He wasn't getting drunk anymore. It felt like he was getting better. He was opening up to me. He was doing so good. And now--" Mike swallows and cuts himself off, looking away from Sean. "I fucked it all up."

"Look, Mike. Just give him some space, let him sober up, and then talk to him when he's in a better state of mind. So you lied about the letter? He's lied to you about much worse and you've forgiven him."

"That's different."

"Why? Because only Harvey is deserving of forgiveness?"

The question is met with total silence. 

"Why don't you stay here tonight?" Sean offers. "I can get you set up in the guest bedroom."

"Okay," Mike responds. He'd normally ask if Sean was sure, or worry that he was imposing, but his desire of not wanting to be alone tonight outweighs all of that. 

Sean stands up and gives Mike's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Make yourself at home. I'll be right back."

-

Sean comes back a short while later. "It's all set up for you in there then."

"Thanks, Sean."

"Is there anything else I can get you? Did you eat? Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm okay." Mike opens his mouth to tell Sean about how he and Harvey were supposed to be on a date right now but refrains. He knows there's going to be a time when Sean finally gets sick of hearing about all of his problems and he's already pushed the envelope far enough tonight. 

"If you change your mind, let me know. I've got a little bit of work to do, so you can have full control of the tv tonight."

Mike kind of just wants to lay down, but he also isn't quite ready to be alone with his thoughts just yet. He picks up the remote and starts to browse through movies on Netflix. Sean comes over with his laptop in hand and joins him on the couch. 

It takes too long, but Mike eventually settles on something and clicks play. 

"Is that too loud?" he asks, making sure it's not going to distract Sean from being able to focus on his work.

"No, not at all. You're good."

"Okay."

-

Several hours pass and Sean finally shut down his computer. He yawns and stretches his arms over his head. "Think I'm going to call it a night soon. I have a meeting early tomorrow. You staying up much longer?"

Mike powers off the tv. "No, I think I'm going to call it a night, too." 

"Why don't you head off a while, make sure you have everything you need and I'll come to check on you when I'm done out here."

"Okay. Any chance you could bring me something for a headache?"

"Sure thing."

"Thanks."

Mike pulls himself up off the couch and heads off to the guestroom. He sees that Sean laid out a change of clothes for him on the bed. He strips out of his suit and changes into the sweatpants and t-shirt that Sean had left for him. 

He pulls the corner of the comforter back and crawls underneath it. He doesn't lay down just yet, instead propping the pillows up behind him so that he can sit more comfortably upright. 

He grabs his phone from the nightstand and decides to send Harvey a message that will likely go unread.

_M: i'm sorry. i hope you're okay. i love you._

He tosses the phone down beside him and leans back against the stack of pillows behind him.

Sean knocks on the door a few minutes later. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

"I got you some Tylenol," he says, walking over and holding a flat palm out for Mike to take them. 

Mike opens the bottle of water he had carried in with him and tosses them into his mouth, a quick swig of water washing them down. 

"I see you found the clothes I left you. Do they fit all right?"

"They do. Thanks."

"No problem. Try to get some sleep, Mike. I know that's easier said than done, but try. I have to be out the door early tomorrow, but you're welcome to stay here as long as you want. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Goodnight, Mike."

"Night, Sean."

Sean leaves the room and Mike picks up his phone and checks it one last time before placing it back down on the nightstand. He turns off the light and slides down in the bed. There's just enough light coming through the curtains to allow him to see enough of the ceiling fan to know that's what he's going to be spending the night staring at it while he worries himself sick over Harvey.

\-----

There's a short-lived moment of panic when he opens his eyes and doesn't immediately recognize his surroundings. He relaxes the second he remembers he's at Sean's. He blindly reaches over and grabs his phone and checks the time. He's surprised to find that it's a little after 10. He's not surprised by the fact that Harvey hasn't messaged him back. It doesn't deter Mike from sending a message of his own.

_M: can we talk today? please?_

He stretches in bed and pulls himself up from the mattress and rubs at sleepy eyes. He doesn't remember when he fell asleep, but he certainly doesn't feel well-rested enough for it to have been very long ago.He kicks blankets off of him and swings his legs off the side of the bed, taking another moment to stretch before putting his feet on the floor and leaving the room.

He walks out into the living room. He doesn't expect to find Sean, but he's still disappointed when he doesn't. He goes out into the kitchen and finds a note placed on the counter next to a white cardboard box. 

_Mike, you were still sleeping when I left and I didn't want to wake you. I left the coffee out and a muffin in the fridge if you're hungry. Have a good day! -Sean_

Mike places the note back down and walks over to the fridge and pulls the door open. Sitting on the top shelf is a muffin. Mike picks it up and inspects it. Blueberry, his favorite. He's surprised Sean remembered that since he'd only ever mentioned it offhand once in a conversation. Or maybe it's a coincidence and Sean didn't remember at all. Mike chooses to believe the former because everything else is so shitty and something as stupid as Sean remembering a small detail about him kind of feels nice.

He takes his muffin and sits down at the table with it. Slowly peeling the wrapper off and then sitting it on top of it so he can pick at it while he reads through the newspaper. He decides that if Harvey doesn't text him back before he's done reading this, he'll call him, and if he doesn't answer the phone call then he's going to the house. He needs to know that he's okay.

-

Mike finishes the last bite of muffin and folds the wrapper up and carries it over to the trash before pulling out his phone and dialing Harvey's number. 

His heart feels like it's about to pound through his chest as he listens to the ringing on the other end. Harvey doesn't answer though. Mike doesn't leave a voicemail. Instead, he decides to go get dressed in the suit he had been wearing yesterday and head over to check on Harvey. 

-  
The last thing Mike does before he leaves is flip the note over that Sean had left for him and scribble a note. 

_Thank you. For everything. - Mike_

He turns off the lights and locks the door behind him when he leaves.

-

Mike takes a few deep breaths before knocking on the door. He has his key with him, but figures he'll only use it if Harvey doesn't answer the door. 

He knocks a few times and waits. 

No answer.

He knocks again.

Still, no answer.

He knocks one more time.

There's still no answer, so he digs his key from his pocket. As he's doing that he can hear the chain sliding across on the other side, so he takes a step back. 

"What do you want, Mike?" Harvey asks bluntly. 

Terrible isn't even close to how bad Harvey looks. He's still dressed in his suit from last night, though now it's stained with what looks like vomit. Puffy and bloodshot eyes lead way to dark circles carved deeply under his eyes. 

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Better than ever."

"Yeah, you really look like it. Can we talk about last night?"

"No. Not right now. If you need to grab something from the house, you can, but I'm not interested in a conversation right now."

"Grab some things? How long are you planning on making me stay away for?"

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Look, do you need anything or not?"

"Move," Mike says, annoyed by how callous Harvey is being. He brushes past him to make his way inside. "What the hell is all of this?" he asks when he reaches the living room. It's in total disarray and there is shattered glass all over the floor.

"Don't worry about it. I'm going to clean it up. Just get what you need."

"Jesus, you can't get me out of here fast enough, can you?" Mike asks as he steps through the mess and searches for his messenger bag and briefcase, both have work in them that he can't go without and who knows how long Harvey is planning on punishing him for. He tosses the messenger bag over his shoulder and carries the briefcase by the handle back out to where Harvey is standing in the kitchen watching him.

"That it?" Harvey asks.

"I guess so."

"Okay."

"You should go get your hand looked at," Mike points out upon noticing how bruised and swollen the knuckles on the hand Harvey punched the wall with appear.

Harvey shrugs. "It's fine."

"Right. Guess I'll get going."

Harvey doesn't say anything, so Mike walks towards the door. Harvey follows him and he thinks maybe for a second it's because he's going to stop him, but it never comes to fruition. Mike starts to open the door and stops himself, turning around to face Harvey. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I thought I was doing the right thing. But maybe I don't know what the right thing even looks like anymore. Maybe neither of us do."

Harvey remains silent, and Mike can take a hint. He turns back and opens the door and leaves. 

Harvey lets him.

\-----

It's near radio silence from Harvey in the next two weeks. Mike doesn't see him at all. He doesn't show up for work and the only reason Mike even knows he's alive is that Harvey will occasionally indulge him by responding to one of the many lengthy text messages he sends with a one-word text of his own. Sometimes, if Mike's lucky, Harvey will give him a full sentence in return. 

Mike knows he is clinging to scraps and that it's pathetic of him, but he can't stop. He misses him so much.

-

After those two weeks pass, Harvey shows up at work the next Monday out of the blue.

Mike is sitting behind the desk focused on the computer in front of him and he looks up to see Harvey standing across the desk from him. "Woah. What are you doing here?"

"I work here, in case you somehow missed my name right there," Harvey says pointing to the white lettering on the glass door. 

"I know that, I just didn't know you'd be back today. Or ever. It's not like you ever tell me anything."

"Last I checked, I wasn't required to run any of my life decisions by you."

"Why are you being such a dick to me?"

"I'm not. You're just taking everything the wrong way." Harvey decides to change the subject. " What are you working on?"

"Just drafting a brief. Do you--" Mike hesitates, "do you want to see what I have so far?"

"No. I trust that you know how to write a brief by now. I do want to talk to you about something else though."

Mike already doesn't like the sound of this. "Okay, sure. What is it?"

"I was thinking that you should probably go back to your own office to work."

Mike huffs and looks at Harvey with an incredulous stare. "Are you fucking serious right now?"

"I gave you that office for a reason, Mike. I think you'll be able to focus on your work better if you're someplace you can't be distracted."

Mike stands up from where he's sitting. "You just strolled into this office after being MIA for two fucking weeks and you're going to lecture _me_ about needing to focus on my work?!" Mike shouts. 

"You need to lower your voice right now," Harvey warns.

"Or what? What are you going to do, Harvey? Pin me against a wall? Choke me? Who knows maybe this time you won't miss when you take a swing at me!" 

"Knock it off, Mike. _Right now_."

Mike goes quiet and his eyes find Harvey's. He doesn't say anything. Just stares at him while the sounds of his erratic breathing fill the air. "Fine. I'll go," Mike resigns. He slams his laptop closed and gathers up the papers he has sitting on the desk in a hurry. He places them on top of the computer and proceeds to tuck the computer under his arm and storm out of the office without another word said. 

Harvey walks around the desk and sits down, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes shut in frustration. He had expected it to go bad, but maybe not quite like that. 

\-----

**SEPTEMBER**

Mike doesn't see Harvey again until he's shutting things down for the day and getting ready to go home for the day. 

There's a light knock on the door followed by "Can I come in?" 

Mike nods his head because he can never say no to Harvey. 

"You left this in my office," Harvey says, holding up Mike's briefcase. "Thought I would bring it over to you."

Mike walks around the desk to collect it from Harvey. He knew he forgot it there, but didn't want another confrontation with Harvey so he had just been planning on waiting until he left for the day to go get it. 

"Thanks," Mike says. 

"You know, Mike, just because I want you to spend some time in your own office, doesn't mean I want to stop working with you altogether."

"Really? Because that's exactly what it seemed like you were saying."

"I apologize if that's how I came across. You know I like working with you. And we're a damn good team."

"But? I mean there has to be a but to this, right?"

"There isn't."

"What about our living situation? You like being with me but don't want to actually be around me?"

"That's a whole different conversation."

"Yeah, one that you keep avoiding."

"Because I'm not ready for it yet."

"You mean you're not done punishing me yet."

"This isn't about punishing you."

"Whatever you say, Harvey. Anyway, I need to go, my ride's already here and I don't want to make them wait."

"I have a deposition on Thursday if you want to sit in. You could come to my office tomorrow and familiarize yourself with it. It's something right up your alley, you know, the legal equivalent of saving puppies and kittens."

"I'll think about it."

"Okay."

"I have to go now," Mike gathers his things and heads for the door, brushing past Harvey on the way to it. 

"Goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight, Harvey."

\-----

Harvey eases up on Mike and things at work and sometimes feel normal again. That's the only place they ever do. Mike isn't with Harvey all the time, but there are at least 2 or 3 days of the week where they have an opportunity to work together and Mike always takes full advantage of those days.

Everything is very surface level. It's conversations about this case file, or that case file, and not much beyond that. Sometimes Mike will get him to quote a movie or make him smile or laugh at one of his jokes and it feels like some huge fucking victory and not like something they used to do all the time. It always ends with Mike being stuck watching that part of Harvey fade and the walls he's built go right back up.

**OCTOBER**

Mike's been at Sean's for two months now. It was only ever supposed to be for a few days while he and Harvey worked things out, but that never happened and Mike allowed himself to get comfortable there. Sean loves having him around, he's made that evident in every apparent way, and on the same note, being able to stay with Sean has made things easier for Mike. Being alone seems like a terrifying prospect, but he feels like if he stays much longer here, it will just be sending the wrong message to Sean. 

He tells him he's leaving, and Sean tries his hardest to convince him to stay, and it is tempting. Very tempting, but Mike knows it's for the best. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's something he will immediately regret. His list of regrets is so long these days that it shouldn't make much of a difference if he adds another one to it. 

Sean cooks him a big dinner for his last night there, though he's sure to remind Mike that he's welcome back any time. Mike knows he means it.

They play chess late into the night. 

Mike leaves the next morning. 

**NOVEMBER**

Harvey misses Mike. If he were to tell Mike that, he doesn't think he'd believe him, and with good reason. Harvey's done everything he can to keep Mike at arm's length, sometimes even farther. It's for his own good. Harvey knows that. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything to make any of it hurt less for either of them.  
-  
The night they fought had changed things. And it had nothing to do with Mike lying to him, and everything to do with the fact that Harvey almost hit him. There was a part of him that _wanted_ to hurt him. A voice screaming in the back of his mind telling him to do it because he wanted to see what would happen if he did. 

That scared the shit out of him. He'd put his hands on Mike in awful ways before, he admits that, but he'd never done that with the sole purpose of wanting to hurt him. It doesn't make the other times any better, but it certainly makes this time different.

Even more terrifying than the idea of having done it, is the fact that he knows that if he had, Mike would have forgiven him for it. He would have probably even apologized for it. He definitely would have blamed himself for it. Harvey knows an apology like that would have felt like permission to do it again. 

Knowing Mike would never walk away from him, no matter what he did to him, makes Harvey realize that it has allowed him to become complacent with his recovery. After all, why bother trying to fix things if Mike is okay with them being broken?

Harvey drinks after their fight. He drinks until he is sick and throwing up. He throws and breaks things and he cries until he exhausts himself and passes out on the couch surrounded by the wreckage of the night.  


And then Mike shows up the next morning, sad blue eyes full of concern, and a mouth full of apologies. It would be the easiest trap in the world to fall back into. 

Harvey won't do it this time. He tells Mike to get the things he needs and go.

Once Mike is gone he cleans up the mess from the night before and he gets rid of every single last drop of alcohol in the house. That's the first step. 

As the weeks progress, he'll work on the other steps.

-

Time moves too slow and too fast all at once and somehow it's the middle of November. Harvey still hasn't touched alcohol, though he thinks about it all the time. Sometimes it's the only thing he thinks about. That and Mike. He's doing this for him, he reminds himself, for them, but it's been really hard not having him around. 

He hates having to keep him in the dark and at a distance, but he knows there's no letting Mike in just a little because a little is all it ever took when it came to him. He'd let Mike in a little at that hotel interview years ago and ended up with his world becoming something that revolved around him.

Mike keeps things strictly about work most of the time because that's what Harvey has asked him to and he always was so eager to please. Sometimes, late at night, Harvey will get an I miss you text or an I love you text from him. Sometimes, he'll respond to them. He's not sure if that is making it easier or harder for either of them. 

Mike also hasn't been to Harvey's place since the day after their fight. 

And then there's a knock at the door on a random Wednesday night.

-

Harvey is laying on the couch watching a movie, drifting in and out of sleep when there's a knock at the door. That knock quickly escalates into pounding. Harvey tosses the blanket covering him off and drags himself to go answer it. He looks through the peephole first and sees Mike standing there.

He slides the chain across, turns the lock, and opens the door.

"Harvey," Mike greets. Despite it being his intention, he sounds surprised that Harvey had even opened the door for him. 

"Do you have any idea what time it is, Mike?"

Mike looks at the blurry numbers on his watch and strains to read them. "It's 2:07," he answers matter-of-factly. 

"Have you been drinking?"

"A little bit," Mike answers, "okay a lot. A little bit a lot."

Harvey steps out of the way. "Come on, get out of the hallway, come inside."

Mike steps through and Harvey shuts the door behind him. By the time he's turned around Mike is already halfway down the hall and standing near the kitchen. 

"What are you doing here?" Harvey asks. 

"I just--I miss you. I miss us."

"I know. I do, too."

Mike takes a step towards Harvey closing the gap between them. "Why don't you love me anymore?"

"Mike--"

Mike's eyes flicker to Harvey's lips and then back up to his eyes and before Harvey had time to think Mike's mouth is on his. The kiss is sloppy and frantic, but _fuck_ , the heat of Mike's mouth and the taste of liquor on his tongue are about to undo him all at once. 

Harvey just wants to keep his eyes closed and let Mike do whatever he wants, but he knows he can't. He can't take an inch without wanting the mile. He reluctantly puts a hand out and gently pushes Mike away from him. He can feel the pressure as Mike pushes to get back to him before relenting and watching his shoulders slump in defeat as he backs away.

"Mike, we can't do this."

"You don't want me."

"I do. I want you so bad. But I need to work out my own shit first."

"And you can't do that with me? Do I hold you back? Is that it?"

"No. Look, Mike. It's...it's complicated." 

Mike stares at him, glossy eyes filled to the brim with sadness. "I shouldn't have come here."

"Why don't you stay? It's late and you've been drinking. It'll be easier if you just stay the night."

"Easier for who?"

"Just please stay."

"Yeah, okay, fine."

Harvey gets things ready in the guestroom and Mike goes right in. He gets a change of clothes from the top dresser drawer and is thankful everything is still how it was when he left it and not packed up in boxes. That's a good sign, he thinks. 

Harvey leaves the room and Mike gets changed and crawls under the covers and lays there for a while, staring up at the ceiling. He waits before turning out the light, thinking Harvey might come back in to check on him one last time, but he never shows up, so Mike rolls over and turns out the light.

He's only laying there a few minutes after the light has been turned off when he's hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness. The familiarity of being where he is makes him completely crumble into pieces and his body is suddenly being wracked by heartwrenching sobs.

Harvey listens just outside the door. He had been coming to see if he needed anything else when he heard Mike crying. He wants nothing more than to go in and comfort him. Hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be okay. He doesn't. Instead, he stands there and listens until Mike has either managed to calm himself down or simply tire himself out completely.

-

When Mike wakes up he expects Harvey to be long gone. He doesn't expect the smell of pancakes to be wafting into the bedroom. There's a moment where he considers that it isn't happening and that he's still asleep dreaming.

He gets out of bed and wanders into the kitchen to see Harvey standing at the stove, spatula in hand, flipping a pancake, and then scooping another onto a plate.

"You're awake," he says. Mike's not sure how he even noticed him. "Are you hungry?"

"Uh, a little, I guess."

Harvey stacks pancakes onto a plate and slides it across the counter. He takes a stick of butter and sets it down next to his plate and then follows up with the syrup. "Sit. Eat."

Mike listens and slides up onto the stool. Harvey turns off the burner with a click and brings his plate over before sitting down in his usual spot. 

He looks over at Mike who is staring blankly at the plate in front of him. 

"What's wrong?" Harvey asks.

"Nothing. I'm a little confused."

"You're confused by pancakes?"

"No, not pancakes, Harvey. By all of this. By the fact that you let me stay overnight and now you're cooking me breakfast and then what happens afterward? We go back to being co-workers the second I leave here?"

"Mike..."

"I'm serious, Harvey. I don't understand why I can't be in your life. Is it because I lied? Is it because of the flash drive? Because I said I'm sorry for those things, over and over and I-I've" Mike can feel himself beginning to get worked up over it. "I've forgiven you for much worse things."

"That. That right there. _That_ is the goddamn problem."

"What?"

"The way you forgive me. For everything. No matter what I do to you or how bad I hurt you."

"I forgive you because I love you. What's wrong with that?"

"It's not healthy, Mike."

That remark is the tipping point. "Give me a fucking break! Now? _Now_ is where we're suddenly drawing the line on what's healthy and what's not?!" 

"Just calm down, and let me--."

"I don't want to calm down," Mike shouts, cutting him off mid-sentence. He pushes his untouched plate back and attempts to stand up. Harvey instinctively grabs his arm to sit him back down "don't touch me!" 

Harvey quickly withdraws his hands and holds them away to indicate he won't touch him again. Mike starts to storm towards the exit. Harvey gets up to chase after him. "Mike, would you stop? Please just let me explain."

It's not the please that makes Mike stop and turn around, so much as the desperate way he says it. He looks at Harvey expectantly waiting for whatever explanation it is that he thinks he has that is going to make what they've turned into something that he can ever be okay with.

"Can we sit down on the couch and talk about this? Like adults?" 

Mike doesn't say anything but he starts walking back so Harvey takes that as a yes and leads the way. Harvey sits down first and Mike sits next to him making Harvey shift and angle his body so he can be facing towards him.

They sit in silence for quite some time, mostly because Harvey doesn't know how to even begin to have this conversation with Mike or knowing if he has the strength to actually get through it. With a deep breath, he begins.

"You know, the whole time I was there with Luke, do you want to know what the single most important thing to me was?" 

After a long pause, Mike answers. "Getting out?" 

"No. Something even more important than that. It was keeping you safe. I always wanted to protect you. I agreed to awful things, things I'm--I'm so ashamed of, " Harvey's voice wavers on the words, but he pushes out a breath and continues, "because it's what I thought needed to be done to keep you safe." Harvey hesitates and looks down at his hands to buy himself some time to force the lump in his throat down far enough that he can speak again. He can feel Mike's gaze on him, intense and heavy. "I never thought I'd become somebody that you need to be protected from." 

"Harvey, you're not--"

"I am. The night we fought, I wanted to hurt you. I was going to."

"But, you didn't."

"That's not the point, Mike. We're playing with fire and everything is going to be burned to the ground if something doesn't change."

"Are you--are you breaking up with me? Is that what this is?" Mike's voice is barely above a whisper, eyes filled with emotion.

"No, but I do need you to give me time."

"Time for what?"

"Time for me to get my shit together."

"And how exactly are you doing that?"

"I'm not drinking anymore, for starters. I'm being consistent with therapy. I'm taking my meds."

"So you're doing the same things you already were doing with the only difference now being that I don't get to be a part of your life? Jesus, Harvey, how is that fair to me?"

"It's not. But when you're around I feel like I have everything I need. Recovering and healing from the shit I experienced seems--well, it doesn't seem important because you just accept me as I am, without question, no matter how damaged or broken I am. You always have. But--I need you to be something I can lose. I need losing you to feel like a real possibility if I don't get real help. I need--"

"Stop talking," Mike interrupts. "Just please stop.." Tears are spilling down his cheeks now. He covers his face with his hands in an attempt to hide them. 

"Mike," Harvey says softly. 

Mike straightens and wipes his face with the sleeve of the jacket. "You said you weren't breaking up with me, but you are. That's exactly what this is. You're just too afraid to call it that."

Harvey's not sure what he can say to change Mike's mind, in fact, he's not even entirely sure that Mike isn't right. Maybe this is a break-up.

Mike huffs a humorless laugh. "Yeah, that's what I thought." After a moment of silence, he sighs and stands up. "I think I should go now."

Harvey stands up next to him. 

Before Harvey has a chance to protest, Mike wraps his arms around him and engulfs him in a tight hug. "I don't want this," he whispers into Harvey's neck. He can feel the dampness of Mike's tears on his skin. "But I know that you can get better. Even if it's without me." Mike squeezes him tighter before letting go. 

The unexpectedness of Mike's words has Harvey on the verge of tears and he doesn't know if his arms have ever felt more empty than they do the moment Mike unwraps his from around him. 

Without another word he turns and heads for the door.

\-----

**DECEMBER**

There had been a little bit of awkwardness after their conversation at Harvey's place. Mike avoided Harvey for a good while. He was suddenly too busy to work on anything with him, which Harvey is pretty sure he took on extra work from Louis so that it wouldn't exactly be a lie. But he avoided him in the hallways of the firm, too. Harvey would catch a glimpse of him and before he had a chance to approach him, Mike would turn and change direction. 

He had been beginning to think that he wouldn't be able to have it both ways. After all, it wasn't fair to tell Mike to stay away but also expect him to come work in close quarters a few days a week just so Harvey could have some kind of connection with him and revel in something that feels normal for a handful of hours a week.

Mike does come back though and he's in a particularly good mood too when he does. He's grinning ear to ear with a file in his hand standing in the doorway of his office and Harvey is too ready to pretend that he needs to be talked into whatever it is that Mike wants to do.

They do that case. And then another. And it's like nothing ever changed between them. Harvey isn't as distant with Mike at work anymore. He allows himself to laugh at jokes and banter back and forth with him. Mike needs that. He needs it, too. 

\-----

Mike spends most of his life outside of work trying to stay as numb to everything as humanly possible. He can't light a joint or down a beer fast enough the second he's home from work.

He prefers getting high to drinking because when he drinks too much it usually results in him sending a sad, late-night, self-loathing text to Harvey. Harvey usually leaves him on read for those. Most of the time Mike is thankful for that because when he re-reads them back in the morning he realizes what a fucking pathetic mess he sounds like. But then there are the other days where it makes it hurt worse because as pathetic as the texts are, he's never saying anything in them that isn't true and Harvey not responding feels the same as him not giving a shit. 

And then there's Sean. Sean who never leaves him on read. He always responds. No matter what hour of the day it is. He's been trying hard to convince Mike to come back and stay with him while Harvey figures things out, but Mike always politely declines. Make no mistake, he would love to have the company, he's so goddamn lonely here, but he worries that if he stays around Sean too long, that he, too, will eventually get sick of him and then he'll be left with nobody.

 _What kind of support system do you have in place?_ That question his therapist asked way back when comes to mind every so often. The answer to that question would be easier if asked now. 

He's never returned to therapy after that.

\-----

"I need a wingman," Harvey announces as he casually strolls into Mike's office.

Mike finishes tapping away at the keys on his keyboard before looking up. "For what?"

"I have a potential client I'm meeting with for dinner and I need to charm them."

"And because you're not at all charming, you need someone who is. Hence you coming to me. That's understandable."

Harvey shakes his head. "Nice try. It's a father/son duo, the son happens to be a huge tech nerd so that's where you come in."

"You want me to win him over while you win daddy dearest over."

"Exactly. Are you in?"

"When?"

"Tonight. 7. I've got all the info you'll need right here," Harvey says, tossing a file across his desk. 

Mike picks it up and rifles through, skimming through the papers.

"It's at your favorite steakhouse. And I'm picking up the tab, you can order whatever you want," Harvey adds as if Mike needs any convincing at all when it comes to taking an opportunity to spend time with Harvey outside of work, even though technically, it's still for work.

"Okay. I'm in."

"I'll have a car outside of your place at 6:30. Be ready," Harvey tells him before turning on his heel and walking out of his office. 

-

Mike sees Harvey standing on the sidewalk right outside of the restaurant when the car pulls up. He gets out and approaches him. 

"You didn't get my message?" is the first thing out of Harvey's mouth.

"Uh, no. What message?" Mike had stuck his phone on vibrate so he wouldn't forget to do it once he got to the restaurant. "What's wrong?"

"Something came up and this meeting is going to be rescheduled for another time. I tried to let you know as soon as I found out, but that didn't give me much time."

"Oh. Shit. Everything okay with them?"

"Yeah. Just some schedule conflict they didn't realize until it was too late. They were going to cancel that for this, but I told them we'll just push this instead. After all, it'll make signing them easier because we'll be going into it with them already feeling like they owe us one."

"Smart. Slightly manipulative, but smart. Do--uh, do you still want to go have dinner since we're already here?"

"Just us two?"

"Unless you have a third person hidden around here, yeah, just us."

"I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Come on, it's just food. It's not like I'm asking you if I can move back in or for your hand in marriage. I'm hungry, Harvey. Please?"

Harvey decides not to give himself time to overthink it and just say yes. "Okay, sure. Let's go."

-

They get inside and get seated, and it would normally be the part where Harvey orders an expensive bottle of wine, instead, he passes and just asks for water. Mike follows Harvey's lead and gets the same. 

The waiter asks if they'd like some time to look over the menu. Harvey says yes, even though they've been here multiple times and he knows that both he and Mike will end up ordering the same thing they always do. 

"You're still not drinking," Mike says after the waiter walks away.

"No. Somehow managing to stay on track."

"That's impressive. I'm proud of you."

Harvey rubs bashfully at the back of his neck. "Thanks." He picks up his menu and attempts to change the focus. "So, do you know what you're getting?"

"Same thing as always."

When the waiter comes back Harvey orders for both of them and their menus are collected and the waiter walks away after telling them he would be back with their food shortly. 

"Not drinking is working out for you, but how are other things? How's therapy?"

"I'm still going if that's what you're asking. It's been...good. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with sharing certain things. It's always a work in progress but I'm trying my best." Harvey picks up his glass of water and takes a small sip. "What about you, are you still going?"

"No," Mike admits. "I stormed out of a session months ago, when we were still...living together and I haven't been back since."

"Why did you storm out of a session?"

"Because he brought up my parents, and then I didn't like the questions he was asking and the way he was asking them. I felt attacked. And honestly, looking back on it, I was probably overreacting to everything but--I guess it really doesn't matter anymore."

"You should think about going back."

"Yeah," Mike laughs, and then he sees the expression on Harvey's face and there's not any inclination that he was being anything but serious. "Is us getting back together contingent on whether or not I go to therapy?"

"I just think it'd be good for you to have somebody to talk to."

"I already do have somebody to talk to. I have Sean." Throwing Sean in Harvey's face is always an easy way to hurt him. While that's not his full intention behind saying it, something is gratifying about seeing that quick flash of hurt on his face when he hears it.

Harvey recovers quickly. "That's great. But talking to Sean is not the same thing as talking to a therapist."

Before the conversation can escalate the waiter arrives at the table with their food. Perfect timing if there ever was such a thing. 

"This looks good," Harvey says as he works to unwrap his fork and knife from the napkin.

"It does," Mike agrees. He works on freeing his utensils as well. 

There's tension sitting in the air between them but it's eased when Mike starts talking about the last Giants game, which Harvey just so happened to have some very strong opinions on.

They talk about sports for a while and then the conversation shifts and they talk about an array of different things, pretty much anything and everything besides their personal lives. Mike tries, but Harvey is always quick to change the subject. 

They've both almost finished their meal by the time Harvey finally gives in and asks "How are things with you, Mike? Are you doing okay?"

"I guess that depends. Are you asking me because you actually want to know or are you asking me because you want me to tell you that everything is fine? Because I'll lie if that's what you need from me."

"I don't want you to lie."

"In that case, I'm miserable. And I'm still struggling to understand why we can't just be together. I wonder all the time about things I could have said or done differently for there to be a different outcome."

"It's nothing you did, Mike. I just need--"

"To give you time, yes, I know. But how much time, Harvey? It's already been _months_."

"This isn't something I can just put a timeframe on."

"What if you took me back right now? Would I ruin all your progress? Would I make you start drinking again? Because if that's the kind of person I turn you into, why would you ever want to be with me at all?"

Harvey exhales sharply and rubs his temples. "You're taking this all the wrong way."

"And what is the right way? For me to never question anything and go sit alone in my place until whenever the fuck you decide I'm worthy enough of being with you again? That's bullshit!" Mike doesn't realize how loud he had gotten until the restaurant goes dead silent. He doesn't have to look around to know that everybody's attention is now focused on them. "I'm done here. Thanks for dinner," he says before pushing his chair back and away from the table and making a beeline towards the exit.

"Mike, hold up!" Harvey yells. He quickly flags down the waiter so he can get the check to pay before running out the door in an attempt to catch up to Mike. 

He doesn't see him at first and figures that he's too late and Mike's already gone, but when he turns, he sees him at the far end of the building, leaning up against the wall 

"Go away, Harvey," Mike says when he sees him approaching.

"Can we talk?"

"We already did. It didn't go well, in case you haven't noticed."

"This is why I didn't want to do this with you. I realize that it's hard for you to understand, but even if you can't understand it, I wish you would just trust me enough to know that I am truly doing what I think is best for both of us. I am not trying to punish you the way you seem to think I am."

Mike scoffs. "You told me that you wanted me to be something you can lose. Do you realize that I've never felt like I _wasn't_ losing you? You told me you loved me and then took it right back and then you were gone, and I didn't know if you'd ever be coming back to me, somehow you did. Only to be gone again. Just like that. And then you come back and I think this, _this_ is it. You're finally mine. I get to just have you. But now there's...this. And I'm just--I'm tired. I am." Mike wipes his eyes to clear the blur from the tears gathering in them. "I'm going to give you your space. I'm going to stop trying to fix things."

"Mike," Harvey says softly.

"Whatever you're going to say, just don't." Mike pushes himself away from the wall. He tugs at the sleeves of his suit jacket and tells Harvey, "I need to go home." 

"Do you need a ride?" Those aren't the words Harvey wants to say, but those are the ones that come out of his mouth.

"No, I already took care of it. As a matter of fact, I think they just pulled up, so I'm gonna get going. Thanks again for dinner."

"Will I see you at work tomorrow?" Harvey asks.

"Sure."

\-----

Harvey does see Mike the next day at work, but it's only long enough for Mike to tell him that he's going to be too busy to help him out for the day. Harvey kind of expected it. He tells Mike it's fine and to go take care of what he needs to and that he'll be able to handle things just fine on his own. 

Harvey figures he just needs a day or two and then he'll be back and things will be like they were before. 

It doesn't happen that way.

-

It's felt like an eternity since they last worked together. In fact, they've barely even seen each other outside of a brief run-in in the hallway and an awkward elevator ride. Harvey had spent the entire time in the elevator just waiting for Mike to say something, but it never happened and before Harvey had a chance to say something to him, Mike was already getting off and disappearing down the hallway. 

\-----

It had been an awful day at work. One where absolutely _nothing_ goes right. The icing on the cake had been a client canceling on him last minute. Though, in some ways, it's probably for the best considering the way the day had gone. Maybe it was a small mercy. 

Either way, Harvey can't wait to go home and crawl into bed and just forget about it entirely. 

When he gets home and goes to use his key on the front door he realizes that it's already unlocked. A wave of panic courses through his entire body. He always locks the door. 

He slowly pushes it open and he can see that there are lights on, which makes things much stranger. 

"Hello?" Harvey calls out as he cautiously walks farther inside. 

"Harvey," a familiar voice says. Even though the voice isn't loud at all, it still startles him.

"Mike?"

Mike rounds the corner to where Harvey can see him now. 

"Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry. I thought you were supposed to have a meeting at 6."

"It got pushed back. What are you doing here?"

"I, uh, just wanted to drop off your Christmas present. And also... I might have put up a tree."

"You did what?" Harvey asks, clearly confused. He walks a little farther in and he can see a tree, fully decorated and lighting up his living room. "What did you do that for?"

"You didn't get Christmas last year. I thought you deserved to have at least something this year. And I knew you wouldn't do it yourself."

Harvey has to use every last bit of his willpower to not completely fall apart. He can't even speak to thank him because he feels so choked up. There was no concept of time with Luke. No night and day, no days of the week, and certainly not any holidays. In some ways, he'd been thankful for that, because if he had known specific dates, he'd be able to correlate specific things that had happened to him on those days. 

Maybe Luke was awful to him on Christmas. Maybe it's one of the days where he decided to take it easier on him. Maybe he never came down at all on that day. The point is, that Harvey doesn't know. And it's better that way. But it's still been hard knowing that no matter what, he was most certainly tied up in a basement that day, away from Mike, thinking he'd never see him again. And now this year, he was free and away but would still be spending the day alone. 

"Anyway, I should get going. Sorry that I kind of ruined the surprise by being here." Mike picks up his jacket that had been hanging over one of the barstools and puts it on. 

"Mike--"

"Yeah?"

"Stay right here," he says. 

"Okay?"

Mike stays where he's at and Harvey vanishes momentarily. When he returns he has a neatly wrapped present in his hand. "This is for you," he says as he holds it out to Mike, "I was going to bring it by your place tomorrow but since you're here..."

"You got me something?" 

"Of course I did. Go ahead, open it up," he encourages.

Mike carefully tears open the present, scraps of shiny paper falling noisily to the floor. "Harvey," is all he can manage to say when he sees what it is. 

Harvey had talked about the road trip being when he knew he was in love with Mike, and how Mike had opened up about all sorts of things on it. One of the things he talked about was how when he was a kid his grandmother had been short on money so he had gone and sold his Super Nintendo to be able to help her pay the bills for the month. Mike had humorously told the story, but Harvey could only think about the weight that was on his shoulders at such a young age. He can't fix any of that, but he can replace what he'd sold.

"Do you like it?" Harvey asks. 

Mike automatically wraps his arms around Harvey. It's been too long since he'd done that. 

"Sorry," Mike says, quickly pulling away from Harvey. "I just--thank you. This is so thoughtful of you. You really were listening to me that day in the car."

Harvey smiles. "I'm glad you like it."

"I, um, I got you a present, too. It's under the tree."

"Do you mind if I wait until Christmas to open it?"

"Not at all, it's your present."

"Thanks." Harvey combs a hand through his hair. "Uh, hey, do you maybe want to stay a little while? I could make us some hot chocolate, we could watch a movie," Harvey knows it's breaking the very rules he set for himself, but he's so caught up in emotion and everything just feels _so good_ in this very moment that he wants to hold onto it as long as possible. 

Mike smiles. "I would love to," he says and the smile fades, "but I need to get back home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I have some work I need to get done. It's important."

"Oh, okay. Well, thank you so much. For all of this."

"Don't mention it. Merry Christmas, Harvey."

"Merry Christmas, Mike."


	56. [happy ending 2/4]

**JANUARY**

As the new year is ushered in it becomes clear that their exchange around Christmas had been some kind of fluke. Harvey had thought maybe that moment between them had changed things, and they could go back to working together, but Mike still avoids him. 

Every so often, Harvey will go knock on his office door and do his best to bribe him with a pro bono but Mike keeps himself buried in so much work of his own that it makes him wonder if he even has time to sleep anymore. It certainly doesn't look like he ever does. 

\-----

**FEBRUARY**

Harvey sometimes still reads the letters Luke wrote. He knows that he should have thrown them out by now, he knows it's not healthy, but there's still some strange comfort to be found in reading them. What he wants is to be able to pick them up, read them, and feel nothing. He wants to _want_ to be able to destroy them. But he's not quite there yet. 

And that's why Mike still isn't there either.

\-----

**MARCH**

Mike gets a new place. Something smaller, quieter, less full of memories he doesn't want. He'd like to say it's an attempt at a fresh start, but it isn't, he knows it's just him moving his misery to someplace different.  


He does all of the packing himself, and then Sean comes over and helps him load all the boxes into a moving truck. 

Once everything is out, he stands in the empty place and completely breaks down. He's not even really sure why either. 

He's just sad. 

-

Harvey almost breaks down and has a drink. He comes as close to it as he has since he gave it up. He goes to the liquor store after work, buys a bottle, and brings it home with him. He feels guilty the whole way back like he's walking into a trap and is about to be caught. 

Once he's home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and fills it halfway before carrying it into the living room with him. He sits down and sets it in front of him and just stares at it. 

It's been a bad day. Nothing particularly bad even happened but it's just a day where the memories are overwhelming and suffocating, and there's never enough air, and any progress he's made suddenly feels pointless because the way he had to go about achieving any of it has made him so unhappy. 

He stares and stares at the glass. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket. He ignores it at first, and then it vibrates again a few minutes later. He pulls it from his pocket and looks at the screen. _New message(s) from Mike Ross_. He taps the screen.

_M: i miss you harvey. and i still love you.  
M: i don't know if that means anything to you anymore  
M: i just needed you to know. _

Harvey gets up and empties the glass into the kitchen sink, followed shortly by the rest of the bottle.

\-----

**APRIL**

Mike doesn't hear his alarm and he's already fifteen minutes late by the time he's out the door. When he gets there he gets reamed by Louis for being late with the papers he was supposed to have on his desk by 9 AM. He had worried so much about remembering those specific papers that he realizes that he had neglected to bring the documents he needed for his own case in court this morning and now there's not enough time to run back and get them.

This leaves him stuck showing up in court, looking completely unprepared. He argues that he needs more time in order to be able to subpoena a witness, which isn't technically a lie though it is stretching the truth until it's dangerously thin. He's able to get a motion of continuance. He knows it's likely not anything that he did, but rather than judge taking mercy on him because he happens to be friends of Harvey's. He leaves the courtroom feeling thoroughly embarrassed and frustrated. 

Once he's back at his desk, he knocks over his coffee reaching for a pen. It goes all over everything. 

It's one thing after another and he's ready to go home before the day has even really had a chance to begin.

He decides to swing by Harvey's office in hopes that just seeing him will offer some kind of boost to his mood. Of course, he's not there. He checks Harvey's calendar on his desk and sees that he has a meeting. Mike leaves a note on a post-it to let him know he swung by and to come to see him when he gets back. 

He returns to his office and attempts to work his way through the now damp, coffee-stained pile of folders on his desk. 

As he works he keeps waiting for Harvey to show up, but he never does. When the day ends, Mike can't stuff the things he needs into his briefcase fast enough so he can get the hell out of there.  


Instead of going home, he decides to go straight to a bar.

-

He drinks with the sole purpose of wanting to erase the day. If he can achieve that, then he'll work on erasing the last few months. Maybe the last year. Maybe everything. 

He knows realistically that it's not possible but it doesn't do much to deter him from trying. He knocks back drink after drink after drink. He drinks until the room spins, his vision blurs and nothing feels like it matters anymore. 

He gets out his phone and messages Harvey. Several times over the next half hour. 

_M: can we talk_

_M: i miss you_

_M: where were you today_

_M: answer me???_

_M: this is so hard without yuo_

_M: please_

_M: havrey_

_M: nvrmind_

_M: :(_

_M: whatever_

Mike orders one more drink. He decides to nurse this one while he stares at his phone waiting for it to do something. Anything. He gets nothing. He wants to go home.

He swipes his thumb across and finds Sean's number, his vision is blurred both from alcohol and the tears that are forming so he just decides to call him instead of struggling with trying to be coherent through text. 

"Mike?" Sean answers.

"I knew you'd answer."

"It's late. What's going on?"

"I need you to come get me."

"Come get you? Where are you?"

"I'm um, at the bar, and I'm uh I drank a lot. Too much. Yeah. Waaaay too much. Shit. I just--I-I want to go home. Please. Can you come?"

"What bar are you at? The one I've picked you up at before?"

"That's it."

"Is everything okay? You don't sound good."

"Not really. Please just come."

"Look, I'll come to get you, but it's going to take me at least twenty minutes to get there. Is that okay?"

"It's okay. I think I'll--I'll go wait outside."

"Just be careful, Mike. I'm going to get dressed and I'll be on my way."

Mike hiccups. "Okay, buh-bye."

The call disconnects and Mike takes his phone and stuffs it back into his pocket. He attempts to stand up but has to rely heavily on the bar in front of him to balance himself. 

"You okay, buddy? You need me to call somebody to come to get you?" the bartender asks.

"No, it's okay. I got someone," Mike says. He steadies himself and stands up straight. The room is spinning fast and his legs are nothing more than dead weight at this point. He puts one foot in front of the other and somehow manages to stumble his way to the front door. 

He walks out of the building and finds the nearest wall he can lean up against. Even leaning against something seems like it's taking too much effort out of him so he slides down against the wall and sits on the sidewalk. It's cold against his legs, but drinking always made him run hot so it feels kind of soothing. He closes his eyes and waits for Sean.

-

It's a half-hour later when Sean pulls up outside the bar. He gets out of the car and looks around until he sees Mike on the ground out of the corner of his eye.

"Sean," Mike says when he sees him approaching. "I thought maybe that you--that you forgot about me."

"I came as fast as I could. Are you okay?" 

"I drank so much," Mike says.

"Come on, let's get you up and get you out of here," Sean reaches down and takes Mike's hand and uses it to pull him up off of the ground. He throws Mike's arm around his neck and helps steady him enough so that he's able to walk over to the car. With his free hand, he leans down and opens the car door, before gently lowering Mike into the passenger seat, being extra careful not to hit his head on the frame of the car.

"Put your seatbelt on."

Mike looks at him confused. And then reaches up to where the seatbelt is but misses and comes back empty-handed.

"I'll help you. Just sit back." Sean grabs the seat belt and stretches it across Mike and securing it with a click. "There you go."

Sean closes his door and walks around to the driver's side and gets in and buckles his belt. "Is it okay if I take you back to my place for the night? I'd like to be able to keep an eye on you." 

Mike nods his head and mumbles something that Sean interprets as permission.

-

Once they're back, Sean helps Mike out of the car and he automatically throws an arm around Sean's neck so he can help him get up to the apartment. 

He guides Mike back to the guest bedroom, throwing the blankets back with his hand and helping Mike sit down on the edge of it once they're out of the way. He bends down and pulls Mike's shoes off of his feet and tosses them aside. 

He crouches down so he can meet Mike at eye level. "Do you need anything from me right now? Some water, maybe?"

Mike locks eyes with Sean and just stares at him. He reaches his right hand up and lays it gently on Sean's cheek. And then he immediately moves forward and tries to kiss him. Sean quickly pulls away. "Woah, what are you doing, Mike?"

"I'm---trying to kiss you," Mike answers as if it shouldn't already be obvious.

Sean closes his eyes and sighs. "Goddamn it, Mike."

"What's wrong? I thought you liked me." Mike is so drunk that it makes the words coming out of his mouth sound even more pitiful. 

"I _do_ like you, that's why I can't let you do this."

"What do you mean?"

"You love Harvey, Mike. Not me. If you kiss me it's going to be something you regret when you sober up in the morning. I don't want to be something you regret."

Mike frowns and still looks disappointed but he doesn't argue with him.

"Why don't you crawl up in the bed and get some sleep?"

Mike scoots back on the bed and Sean helps get his legs up and fix the pillow behind him when he sees Mike struggling with it. He then pulls the blanket up so that Mike can be tucked in cozily underneath it. 

"Thanks," Mike says.

Sean reaches over to turn the lamp on the nightstand off. 

"Hey...Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay with me? Just until I fall asleep."

"Uhhh--"

"Please?"

"Okay, I'll stay with you." Sean sits down on the edge of the bed next to Mike. 

"Thank you," Mike says.

Sean only has to sit there for a few minutes because Mike passes out almost immediately, the sound of soft snoring filling the room. He stays a little while longer, just to be sure, before heading out of the room.  


He goes into the bathroom and shakes two Tylenol from a bottle and fills a glass of water and sits it on the nightstand for him to take in the morning. He's pretty sure he's going to need it.

He leaves the room, leaving the door open a crack to make it easier for him to periodically check on him throughout the night. 

-

Harvey wakes up in the morning to a bunch of messages from Mike on his phone. He sends a text back to ask what is going on and to explain that he didn't see the messages until now because he had been sleeping. He waits for a little to see if he gets a response back and then he tries calling. He doesn't get an answer there either. 

He has his coffee and waits a little longer and then tries calling again. He can hear the phone pick up on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" Mike answers groggily.

"About time you answer. Is everything okay with you?"

Mike groans. His head is killing him. Harvey isn't yelling, but he might as well be with the way it makes his head throb. He sits up in bed and the room is far too bright. He squints his eyes but that only makes things hurt worse.

"Mike?"

"Yeah, can you--hold up a second." Mike spots the glass of water on the nightstand and some Tylenol. He throws the phone down and rolls over, scraping the pills off the nightstand and into his palm before throwing them in his mouth and reaching for the glass of water to wash them down.

"Mike? What the hell is going on?" he hears Harvey asking through the phone that's still laying on the bed. He's pretty sure he might actually be yelling now.

Mike rolls back over to pick it up, moving way too fast in a way that nearly makes him throw back up the pills he had just swallowed down. 

"Okay, I'm here."

"Are you all right? I was sleeping when you messaged me last night."

"Yeah, I'm sure you were."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Mike sighs. "Nothing." He's not even sure what he was trying to imply with it. He's just feeling bitter about everything. "I went to a bar last night and I-I just drank too much and now I feel like shit."

"Is there anything I can do to help? Can I bring you something?"

"No, I'm good. I'm at Sean's right now. He came and picked me up last night when you didn't message me back."

"Of course he did. He just can't miss an opportunity to white knight, can he?" Harvey retorts.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." Harvey didn't mean it to come out the way it had. He's glad Mike has somebody to look out for him and he knows now that Sean isn't a threat. Old habits die hard though.

"Can we maybe talk a little later? My skull is caving in right now."

"Sure. Why don't you call me when you're feeling up to it. And make sure you're drinking lots of fluids, Mike. It'll help."

"This isn't my first hangover, Harvey."

"I'm just trying to be helpful."

"I know you are. All right, talk to you later."

"Bye, Mike."

Mike's glad to have ended the conversation when he did because seconds later he finds himself lunging for the nearest trash can. He coughs and sputters over top of it until all that comes up is bile. He sits down on the floor next to it in case this isn't a one and done kind of thing. 

After sitting there for over twenty minutes and no longer feeling as nauseous as he had before throwing up, he pulls himself up off the floor and goes into the bathroom. He borrows some of Sean's mouthwash to rinse the taste of last night from his mouth.

He leaves the bathroom and crawls back into bed and pulls the covers over his head.

-

The next time he wakes up his headache isn't nearly as intense as it was before, and he doesn't feel so much like he was run over by an eighteen-wheeler anymore, but perhaps just a regular-sized pick-up truck.  


He looks at the clock on the wall and it's almost noon. He wouldn't mind laying in this bed for the rest of the day and wallowing in his sorrows, but he decides against it and instead drags himself back out from beneath the covers. 

He is pleasantly surprised when he walks out into the living room to see Sean sitting on the couch. He has his legs stretched out resting on the coffee table in front of him and he's focused on the laptop in front of him. He's wearing glasses. Mike's never seen him wear glasses before. They suit him. 

"I didn't think you'd still be here when I got up," Mike says, "Figured you'd be out leaping buildings in a single bound."

"What?" Sean says at first confused and then he catches on, "Oh, right. The glasses."

"You look good in them, Clark Kent."

"Thanks. How are you feeling today? You certainly look a little better now than you did last night."

Mike walks the rest of the way in and sits down in the chair adjacent to Sean. "Well, I can keep my eyes open without my head killing me and I don't think any of your other trashcans are at risk of being thrown up in, so I might be on the mend."

"You threw up in my trashcan?"

"It was the closest thing I could get to. I'm sorry. I'll replace it for you."

"Don't worry about it. How much do you remember about last night?"

"I remember trying to kiss you if that's what you're asking. And I am so sorry, that was so inappropriate of me and I don't know why I did it."

"You were drunk. And lonely. It's not the best combination, typically does lead to doing things that you'll regret. But nothing happened between us."

"Only because you didn't let it. If you didn't stop me--"

"Nothing happened, Mike," Sean interrupts to reiterate. "There's no point in harping on it."

Sean seems a little uncomfortable so Mike takes that as his cue to move on from the subject. "Do you mind if I go grab a glass of water?"

"Of course not. There are also bagels out there on the counter if you're hungry."

"Ugh, I don't know if I'm quite ready for food yet, but I appreciate the offer."

Mike gets up and gets his glass of water and returns to where he had been sitting. They sit there and end up having a nice long conversation. One they had been overdue for. Unlike with Harvey, where he's only allowed to talk about work, with Sean, there are no limits. On anything. They can talk about life outside of work. Mike can vent his frustrations. He can admit how lonely and sad he is. 

At some point in the conversation, Mike tells Sean that talking to him is therapeutic. That leads to a conversation about Mike and his actual therapy. Mike can see the disappointment mixed with something else (concern, maybe?) on Sean's face when Mike tells him that he hasn't been going to therapy. 

Sean tries to talk him into going back and giving it another shot. He cites last night's behavior as a glaring sign that there's a lot of unresolved issues going on. Mike can't disagree with that. And he knows it's not fair to use Sean as a dumping ground for all the shit going on in his life, but he's been doing it now for so long that it feels comfortable to him. Talking to a therapist isn't the same as this.

Still, he tells Sean that he'll consider it, and not just as a means of getting Sean to back off about it. He's going to give it some real thought. 

\-----

**MAY**

Harvey reads the letters one last time. He doesn't exactly feel _nothing_ when he reads them like he had wanted to, but he does feel _ready_.

He tosses them into his fireplace and watches as they are quickly swallowed up by the flames and burned down into nothing but a pile of ashes. He wishes he could do this with the rest of his memories.

He feels good after it's said and done and wants to share the good news with Mike. They haven't spoken much lately but he feels like this is something that's worth sharing and that Mike would be happy to hear about it. He gets out his phone and dials his number.

The phone rings and voicemail picks up almost instantly. He must have his phone off, Harvey concludes. He leaves a message.

_Uh, hey, Mike. It's me. I was hoping to be able to talk to you about something that happened today but I guess you must be busy. If you would call me back whenever you have a chance I would appreciate it. Thanks. Hope you're doing okay. All right, bye._

-

Sean and Mike are in the middle of a game of checkers when Mike's phone rings. He denies the call.

"Who was that?" Sean asks, looking up from the checkerboard where he had been planning his next move. 

"It was Harvey." 

"You're not answering his calls now?" Sean asks, unable to mask the surprise in his voice.

"I am. Just not right now. He probably just wants to talk me into doing a pro bono or some work bullshit anyway. I have so much work of my own, his thing will have to wait. I'll check the voicemail and call him back a little bit later. Right now, I need to finish mopping the floor with you."

"Have you ever mopped a floor, Mike? Because rest assured, this is not what mopping the floor looks like."

"Well come on then, it's your turn, show me what you got."

-

Harvey finishes leaving the voicemail and hangs up the phone. He walks over and sits down on the couch. His shoulders sag as he exhales sharply. He starts to wonder if this is all taking too long and Mike is starting to slip through his fingers. Those thoughts start to spiral and he knows he can't just sit alone in this place and simply let them. 

He goes into the bedroom and changes into joggers and a t-shirt and grabs his earbuds so he can go for a long run to try to clear his head. If it's not effective at doing that, then perhaps it will be enough to tire himself and he can call it a day and sleep the feelings away.

-

He runs several miles, and by the time he comes back he is feeling a little better. He strips out of his clothes and hops in the shower and lets hot water run over him for a long time before any soap or shampoo even comes into play.

When he's finished he changes into a comfy pair of pajama pants and an old dark gray t-shirt. He almost feels tired enough to just go to bed, but it's still early so he curls up on the couch and puts on a movie that he doesn't end up paying much attention to. He misses watching movies with Mike. He misses resting his head in his lap and Mike's fingers diligently working their way through his hair. He just misses Mike.

He wonders if maybe it's time they give this thing another shot. He was never trying to rush things, and he's still not but he doesn't like the idea that the longer it takes the farther Mike seems to be drifting away. They could start slow, maybe just go on a few dates and test the waters. If Mike is even interested anymore.

Harvey sighs and turns his attention back to the movie. At some point, he doses off.

He's startled awake by the sound of his phone ringing. He reaches over and grabs it and answers the call. It's from Mike. 

"Hey, Mike."

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Mike asks, noting Harvey's sleep-strained voice.

"Uh, no. I was just watching a movie."

"Oh, good. I just got around to listening to your voicemail, you said you wanted to talk about something. What's up?" 

Harvey perks up a little. "I have some good news I wanted to share with you."

"What do you want to drink?" Sean yells to Mike from his kitchen. 

"Hold up," Mike tells Harvey. He then pulls his head away from the phone. "Can you just grab me another beer?" Mike answers Sean.

"What?" Harvey says. 

"Sorry about that. Now, what were you saying? You have good news?"

"You know what? Nevermind. I'll tell you some other time. I don't want to keep you away from your company."

"It's just Sean, Harvey."

"Yeah, I realize that. It's fine. It isn't that important anyway. We can talk about it later."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Have a good night, Mike."

"All right. Goodnight, Harvey."

That phone call definitely stung. Harvey decides to officially call it a night. 

-

He struggles to fall asleep. He tosses and turns, adjusts pillows over and over. Kicks off the blankets and pulls them back up. Nothing helps. 

He eventually gets out of bed and wanders into the kitchen and puts on the kettle so he can make a cup of tea. This usually does the trick on the nights he can't sleep. He had been prescribed something by his psychiatrist to help him sleep months ago but he usually only takes that as a last resort. He doesn't like how groggy he ends up feeling in the mornings after taking it, even if the sleep had been good.

When his water boils he turns the burner off and makes his tea and carries it over, dropping it off at the coffee table and continuing over to the record player, picking up the arm and placing the needle down on the record before returning to the couch. 

He closes his eyes and just listens and lets the sounds soothe him. His tea cools down enough to finally be able to drink it and by the time he's reached the bottom of the mug he thinks sleep shouldn't be so much of a fight this time. 

He stops the record player and heads back into his bedroom, crawling underneath the covers. He sighs, feeling a lot more content now. He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. 

-

Harvey has a nightmare. It doesn't make him shoot up in bed with a sweat-soaked t-shirt clinging to his skin and it only takes a quick second to realize where he is, and to know he's safe and to be able to regulate his breathing but none of those things make it feel any less _devastating_. 

It's his first nightmare in _months_ and it's so out of the blue. He hadn't been drinking. He'd been doing everything right. He'd been trying so fucking hard. He's sacrificed not having Mike to try to fix this shit and now he can't stop himself from thinking that _this_ is it. _This_ is the tiny thread being pulled that will eventually unravel everything again.

-

He pulls himself out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He gets his morning meds ready and throws them into his mouth, washing them down with the coffee. The taste they leave on his tongue is particularly bitter today.

-

He thought maybe once he was at work, he'd be able to shake things, but the nightmare is still weighing heavily on his mind. It's the only thing he can think about while he sits in the conference room surrounded by faces he doesn't recognize at a meeting he can't bring himself to give a single shit about.

He's happy when it ends so he can retreat to his office where there's nobody to answer to but himself. He manages to lose himself in a stack of paperwork for hours.

Around lunchtime he heads to the breakroom for a cup of coffee, he's hoping that having more caffeine kicking through his system will do something to boost his mood, or at least give him more energy to be able to distract himself better.

By mid-afternoon, he thinks he might have finally shaken it. It was just a nightmare. One nightmare. It's not a big deal. It doesn't have to mean anything.

-

Harvey is still at his desk when most of the building has already cleared out for the day, and the lights in the hallways have dimmed. The last person he'd seen walk by his office had been almost an hour ago at this point.

As he sits in his office, alone, with work surrounding him and nothing else, and he's hit by a wave of overwhelming loneliness. It had been easier to keep that feeling at bay when he had the idea of there being a light at the end of the tunnel, that light being Mike. But now Mike seems to not want much to do with him if anything at all and he had another nightmare and everything feels like too much.

Harvey breaks down. He sits at his desk with his hands cradling his face and sobs. He doesn't hold anything back and cries so hard that his entire body shakes and he can barely breathe. 

\-----

**JUNE**

Mike finds himself at a bar a few nights out of the month. Usually, it's when his thoughts are too loud for the quiet of his apartment and Sean isn't available. The constant hum of chatter and clinking glasses of a bar on a Friday night is usually able to reign his thoughts back in.

He still drinks too much on nights like these, but not so much that he can't find his own way home or end up doing stupid shit like trying to kiss Sean. 

He's a few beers in and a nice buzz is starting to settle in. A few people have tried to talk to him but that's not what he's here for. He doesn't have any desire to be sociable despite putting himself in a social setting. 

Mike switches out the beers for something stronger. He takes a sip and winces as it burns all the way down. He stares at the remaining amber liquid in the glass and swirls it around mindlessly. 

"Is this seat taken?" a young brunette woman asks.

Mike barely turns to acknowledge her and instead shrugs his shoulders. She takes that as permission to slide onto it

"What are you drinking about tonight?" she asks him. 

"Look, no offense, but I'm not really interested in having a conversation."

"Oh, no worries, I'm not either," she says, "but do you see that guy over there in the corner?" she nods her head towards the right urging Mike to look. 

Mike cranes his neck just enough so that he can see who she's talking about without being completely obvious about it. "What about him?"

"Guy just can't take no for an answer. I figured if I came over here and pretended to talk to you then maybe he will finally leave me alone."

"Ah, I know the type. Why don't you let me buy you a drink to really sell this thing?"

"I can't ask you to do that."

"I'm asking you to let me do it. What's your drink of choice?"

"Jack and Coke?"

"Sure. Coming right up," Mike replies, raising his hand to flag the bartender down and ordering a drink for her, and another drink for himself. He hadn't quite finished the one in front of him but figured he'd get the next one ready to go.

The bartender comes over with their drinks and sets them down in front of Mike. He slides hers over to her. "Enjoy."

"Thanks. I'm Emma by the way," she holds out her hand to him.

Mike extends his arm across his body and shakes her hand. "Mike."

They small talk for a little while, where are you from, what do you do for a living, that kind of thing. Mike finishes off the two drinks in front of him and orders one for himself and another for her and they continue chatting. Despite Mike not initially wanting it, he's kind of happy to have the company right now. It's a harmless comfort. 

"Hey, uh, you don't mind if I run to the bathroom real quick?" Mike asks, all his drinks seemingly catching up to him at once. 

"Not at all."

"Thanks," he says before rushing off to the bathroom.

-

When he comes back from the bathroom he sees that somebody is now sitting in his seat. He walks over, trying to assess the situation as he draws near. He recognizes that it's the man that...(shit, he can't remember her name. Elizabeth? Emily?) had told him was bothering her. He must have been waiting for the second Mike stepped away to make his move.

"Just leave me alone. Please," Emma pleads with him.

"Let me buy you a drink and I will. Just one drink is all I'm asking for, baby."

"I already have a drink," she says.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Mike is quick to interrupt.

She visibly breathes a sigh of relief when she sees him. "Mike, you're back!"

"Who the fuck are you? Her little boyfriend?" the man asks.

"It doesn't matter who I am. She's asked you to leave her alone multiple times and is clearly not interested, so why don't you take a hint and get out of here."

The man stands up from the barstool. "Who's going to make me?" he asks, stepping closer to Mike. 

"Make you? What are you, seven? Or is that just when your brain stopped developing?"

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

He's got a couple of inches on Mike and probably about 40 pounds. But Mike is drunk and therefore he is not taking any of those things into account. "Here, let me say it in a way that even somebody like you can understand; fuck off." 

He immediately steps forward and grabs Mike by the suit jacket, fists tightly curled into the fabric using it to pull Mike towards him.

Mike instinctively reaches out and shoves him back as hard as he can to get him off and the man ends up stumbling a little before catching himself and lunging forward, right hand swinging and connecting with Mike's face. Mike instantly drops to the ground. If Mike was smart, he would just stay there and take his loss. But he's not interested in being smart so he gets back up and takes a swing himself, which surprisingly connects. The guy does not fall to the ground the way he had, but rather it seems to have just intensified his anger and he swings again at Mike, his fist landing hard against his mouth. 

Luckily for him, security shows up and puts a stop to things. He wishes they had shown up two hits ago when he could still see out of his right eye and he didn't have a mouthful of blood.

It's chalked up as being a simple bar fight and there are no cops involved, but Mike is asked to leave the bar, which he was going to do anyway. He goes outside and sits out on the curb while he waits for his ride to come to take him home. 

-

Once he's home he crawls straight into bed, not bothering to change or take his shoes off. He closes his eyes and passes out not long after his body hits the mattress.

-

He doesn't wake up until the afternoon and when he does he wishes he hadn't. He has the taste of copper in his mouth and he can't see out of his right eye and everything just aches.

He lays in bed for another hour before deciding to crawl out of bed and assess the damage from last night. 

He goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirror. His right eye is swollen shut with a large purple bruise surrounding it. He has dried blood on his lip where it had been split open on the bottom. He turns on the faucet and works on washing the dried blood off of his face.

After he does that, he brushes his teeth so he can get rid of the taste of stale blood. He turns the faucet back off and just stares at himself in the mirror. He doesn't know if he's ever looked worse.

He stumbles into the kitchen and grabs the ice pack from the freezer and carries it over to the couch with him. He lays down and gently presses it up to his eyes, wincing as soon as it makes contact. He hopes that this will help take away some of the swelling so he can see out of it again. Despite sleeping until noon, he is able to close his eyes and fall back asleep fairly fast. 

-

The ice pack is now lukewarm and Mike is surprised that it stayed on the entire time he slept. He reaches up and removes it and he can see a little out of his eye now. It's blurred, but he can see. About as much improvement as he could have hoped for.

He gets out his phone to check what time it is. While doing that he sees missed messages from both Sean and Harvey. He decides to check Harvey's message first. 

_H: Hey, I think we need to talk. Let me know when you're free._

He doesn't like the way that sounds at all. He clicks Sean's message next.

_S: How are you doing? Want to come over this weekend?_

Less ominous sounding than Harvey's text, but hanging out with anybody right now sounds too exhausting. Mike doesn't respond to either text opting to shut his phone off and ignore everything for a little while. 

\-----

He spends the rest of the weekend alternating between laying on the couch and laying in bed, feeling too depressed to do anything but. 

On Sunday afternoon he orders pizza and thinks about getting high, he even goes so far as to dig his old bong out from one of the many boxes he has still yet to unpack, but in the end, it feels like too much effort, for potentially little or no payoff. He doesn't completely nix the idea but he does backburn it. 

Roughly twenty minutes later there's a knock on the door. His rumbling stomach is relieved by the sound. 

Unfortunately, it's not somebody holding a hot pizza on the other side of the door, but rather Sean Cahill. He looks absolutely horrified when he sees Mike.

"Sean--what are you--?"

"Holy shit, what the hell happened to your face? Did Harvey do this to you?" 

"What? No. Of course not. Jesus, Sean. I barely ever even see Harvey. Why would you ask me that?"

"Well, then who did it?"

"Just some dickhead. I was at this bar and--"

"Oh," Sean interrupts, "you're getting into barfights now? Is that it?"

"No, that's not it. Would you let me explain?" Mike says, getting a little frustrated at the conclusions Sean is jumping to. "Here, come in first," Mike invites, feeling too awkward having this conversation with him still just standing in the hallway. 

Sean steps inside and Mike closes the door behind them. 

"So, as I was saying, I was at the bar and there was this girl and this asshole was harassing her--wouldn't leave her alone, so I talked with her for a while but when I got up he--anyway long story short, I tried to help her and well," Mike gestures to his face, "I guess I'm not as good at helping people as I once thought I was."

"Jesus, Mike. You need to stop this shit."

"Stop what? What are you talking about?"

"The self-destructive behavior."

"You act like I went out and purposely picked a fight with someone."

"I didn't say that, but you're a lawyer Mike, you couldn't use your words to resolve things?"

"You think I didn't try doing that? He wasn't exactly in the mood for a friendly conversation."

"So then you walk away."

"You don't get it. I couldn't just walk away. What if the guy turned out to be some psycho like Luke? She told me he wouldn't take no for an answer. What if he had done something awful to her because I chose to just fucking walk away? What then, Sean?" Mike is raising his voice and looks close to tears and Sean quickly gets that this is an issue that goes beyond what had happened last night.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I wasn't trying to blame you."

There's a knock at the door and Mike wipes his eyes and pushes past Sean to get to the door. This time it's his food. He exchanges cash for the food and comes back inside with a pizza in hand, walking over and setting it down on his small kitchen table. 

"Look, I'm sorry. I can leave if you want so you can eat your dinner and we can continue this conversation later. I only came because your phone was going straight to voicemail when I called. I got a little worried," Sean waits for a response from Mike, but he doesn't say anything. "Have a good night, Mike," he says as he starts to make his way towards the door.

"Sean, wait."

Sean turns back around.

"Are you hungry? You could stay and eat with me if you are," Mike offers.

"You sure?"

"It's not like I'm going to eat this whole pizza myself."

"Okay."

Sean walks back and Mike grabs some plates from the cabinet and two beers from the fridge and carries them over to the table. "Sorry, it's the only thing I have to drink."

"Thanks," Sean says, taking the bottle from his hand and twisting the cap off. 

Mike hands him a plate and they each grab a piece of pizza from the box. 

"Can I ask why your phone was off?"

"I just wanted to be left alone for a while."

"You know, you could have told me that and I would have respected it instead of just going ghost mode and making me worry."

"I wasn't thinking. And I figured it was only going to be until I had to turn my phone back on for work on Monday. But you're right. I'm sorry for making you worry."

"It's okay. I get it. Just, future reference, you know?"

"Got it."

The conversation shifts to something lighter and Mike's glad for it. They manage to finish over half the pizza before closing the lid and moving to the couch. Mike gets out his deck of cards and they play a few rounds of gin rummy. 

Sean looks like he wants to say something the whole time they're playing, but can't find the right moment for it. When he sets down his cards after they finish another round, Mike figures he's finally decided to stop biting his tongue on whatever it is.

 _So what's going on with you and therapy?_ That's what Sean wants to ask, but instead, he says "do you think I could get another beer?"

"Sure," Mike says, already halfway off the couch, "Another round coming up."

Sean watches Mike go out into the kitchen and swing the fridge open. He walks back over and twists the cap off of the beer and holds it out to Sean. "You know, for a second there I thought you were going to lecture me about therapy again," Mike says.

Sean nervously clears his throat and takes the beer from his hand. "No lectures from me tonight." 

"Good," Mike says, throwing himself down on the couch. "I don't think I could handle one right now." He twists the cap off of his beer and tosses it onto the coffee table, where it slides across and down onto the floor. 

Sean takes a sip from his beer. "That hurt?" he says gesturing towards his face.

"Like hell. But I can see out of my eye again for the most part and I think fuller lips are very in right now so I guess there's a silver lining to it all."

Sean smiles and it fades quickly. For whatever reason it makes Mike feel like he needs to justify himself again.

"I promise I didn't pick a fight with somebody just for the sake of it. The guy was an asshole. But-- I think what happened with Harvey might have made me react differently than I normally would have if none of this would have ever happened." Mike takes a long sip from his bottle. "Even just walking down the street sometimes I'll find myself looking over my shoulder in a way that I would have never done before all of this." 

"I'm not a professional, but I'd say you probably have some PTSD after the things you've been through."

"Probably," he agrees, leaning forward and placing his beer down. "You know, my grandmother tried to send me to therapy after my parents died?"

"She did?"

"Yeah. Only it wasn't really therapy at all because we couldn't afford that, so instead, I got church therapy. I had told my best friend Trevor that I felt like a burden to my grandmother and that I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to be with my parents again. I guess the way I said it scared him. He told his mom, who then told my grandmother, who then sent me to the church."

"I take it that it didn't help?"

Mike laughs humorlessly. "Not at all. It made me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I felt about things. He asked me how I could even think about doing something like that to my grandmother after all that she's done for me. I ended up apologizing and having to play along and say all the things that I know they wanted to hear just so I could be done with it." Mike leans back and sighs heavily. "From that moment on I kind of learned to just bury the way I feel about things. Nobody cares to begin with and sharing things only ends up hurting other people."

"But you were a _kid_ , Mike. You should have never been put in a position where you felt like you couldn't talk to people, especially the adults that should have been protecting you and helping you deal with the things you were going through."

"Yeah, well...it doesn't matter now," Mike says, "in fact, I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this. I guess I just wanted you to understand that I didn't stop going to therapy just because I don't care or think I need it. I know that I need some help. I mean, I still have nightmares sometimes about the things that happened in that cabin with Luke. But they're not like Harvey's nightmares. They're not as bad. His nightmares were... terrifying to witness. Mine--they just...happen and I spend the rest of the day walking around with an unshakeable heaviness in my chest. And then I move on."

"You realize that just because yours aren't as 'bad' as his, it doesn't make them matter less. Did you ever bring up these nightmares any of the times you did go to therapy?"

"No. I never got that far. I could never even bring myself to tell Harvey about them. I know he would have either blamed me for going to Luke in the first place or blamed himself and I wasn't too fond of either of those outcomes."

Sean is reluctant to ask the next question because he knows there's a good chance that it makes Mike shutdown. He decides to ask it anyway. "What about what Harvey did to you? In the basement that night? Do you ever have nightmares about that?" 

"No," Mike responds immediately.

"No?" Sean says, That's it?"

"What do you mean? Do you _want_ me to have nightmares about it?"

"No, but I do find it a little hard to believe. I mean he tied you up in the very basement he was _tortured_ in. You're telling me that it didn't affect you at all?"

"I didn't say it didn't affect me. I said I don't have nightmares."

"Mike--"

"You know what? I'm feeling a little tired and starting to get a headache so I think I want to call it a night," Mike says, clearly desperate to get away from the conversation before Sean has a chance to say anything more or make another implication that Mike doesn't like.

"Right," Sean says, not at all surprised by his response. "I guess it is getting kind of late." 

Mike knows that Sean knows exactly what he's doing by forcing him out the door the second he feels uncomfortable but Sean plays along with it the way he always does to appease him.

"Thanks for letting me stay for dinner," Sean adds before standing up and reaching to pick up his empty beer bottles so he can clear them from the table. 

Mike reaches out and stops him. "Don't worry about that. I'll clean it up then."

Sean meets Mike's eyes and pulls his hand away from the bottle. "Okay," he says before walking over and grabbing his coat from the back of the chair and putting it on before making his way towards the door.  
"Sean?"

He turns around. "Yeah, Mike?"

"If I don't go, are you going to stop being my friend?"

The question catches Sean off-guard. He wonders if there's a wrong way to answer it. It feels like there is. Saying no could be construed as permitting him to not go, and saying yes seems a little like forcing him to go. If he's forced to go it's unlikely to yield any real results and there's a chance he could end up resenting him as well. "No," he settles on, "I won't ever put stipulations on our friendship."

Relief washes over Mike like a tidal wave. "I am going to try to go back. But--I needed to know, in case things don't work out. I don't want to lose you as a friend. "

"I won't let you get rid of me that easily."

"Thanks, Sean." Mike smiles. 

"Get some sleep, Mike. Try to put some more ice on that eye, too."

"I will. Goodnight, Sean."

Sean smiles at him before turning back and opening the door and leaving. 

Even though it had started to get a little uncomfortable towards the end once Sean started bringing up Harvey and the things that had happened between them, he still feels much better after having talked to him than he did prior to him stopping by unexpectedly.

He decides to save cleaning up things for tomorrow morning, despite it being used as a way to get Sean to stop pushing, he is actually tired and does have a headache. He takes a couple of painkillers and gets the ice pack back out of the freezer and crawls into bed with it. 

He lays there and watches the ceiling fan spin while pressing the ice pack against his eye. He thinks about things. Wonders how it all ended up like this. All the wrong moves he made, all the things he could have done differently. This is basically a bedtime routine at this point.

He gets a message from Sean at one point letting him know that he'd gotten home safely. Mike exchanges goodnight texts with him. He thinks about sending Harvey something while he's still holding his phone in his hand. He doesn't know what to say anymore that hasn't been said a thousand times before. He rolls over and places the phone on the nightstand before reaching up and turning the light off, settling beneath the covers and closing his eyes.

\-----

He doesn't sleep very well and is stifling yawn after yawn sitting behind his desk the next day at work. The coffee he's drinking might as well be water because it doesn't seem to be giving him even the slightest bit of energy. 

He decides to keep working through lunch because otherwise, he doesn't think he'll be able to meet the 5 PM deadline he's working with. He admits that this is his own fault, he's been taking on so many things all at once as a distraction and because he thought he could handle them, but with the lack of sleeping he's been getting, it's all been catching up to him very fast.

There's a knock at his door. "What is it?" he says, still typing away at the keyboard in front of him, not bothering to so much as look up to see who it is.

"Do you have a minute?"

It's Harvey.

Mike still doesn't peel his eyes away from the screen. "Is it a matter of life or death?" he asks.

"No."

"Then I don't have time."

Harvey walks in and begins to approach Mike's desk. "I just need you to look over something for me. Make sure--Woah, what the hell happened to you?"

"I got in a fight," Mike replies nonchalantly. 

"With who? Evander Holyfield?"

Mike finally looks up from his computer. "What do you need me to look at?"

"Forget what I needed. Are you okay?"

Mike laughs. "So what, today you're acting like you give a shit?"

"I do give a shit."

"Give me a fucking break. If you didn't need something from me, would you have even come in here today?"

"Yes," Harvey answers. It's not a lie. He really did just want to come to see Mike, the work had just been his excuse to be able to do it. He's not sure when he started feeling like he needed an excuse, but he is sure that it hurts like hell for things to be this way. 

"Bullshit."

"It's not bullshit, Mike."

"Fine, whatever, it's not bullshit. You're right, I'm wrong. You win. Congratulations. Now if you don't mind, I have work to do."

"Mike--"

"Go away, Harvey."

Harvey opens his mouth to say something else, but Mike is already back to focusing on the computer in front of him, so he turns and makes his exit instead. 

Once Harvey is out of sight, Mike sags back against his chair and draws a deep breath in, and shakily pushes it back out. 

\-----

**JULY**

Mike has just finished taking a hit from his bong when there's a knock at the door. He almost thinks he's imagined it until he hears it a second time. He gets up from the couch and walks over to the door. He rubs his eyes and runs a hand through his hair, leaving it worse off than it had started. He pulls the chain across and opens the door. 

"Harvey? What are you doing here?"

"I was hoping I could talk to you. Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure," Mike says, stepping out of the way so Harvey can enter.

Harvey walks farther in and observes his surroundings and Mike can feel himself being judged. He's scrambling to pick up random things that have been strewn about as he follows Harvey in as if it's going to make any sort of difference. "Sorry it's so messy, I wasn't expecting company."

"This place reminds me a little of your old one," Harvey says.

"If you just came here to insult me, you can leave now."

"I wasn't trying to insult you. This place is just very...you is all I'm trying to say."

"That doesn't sound any less like an insult."

"Is that a bong?" Harvey asks when he sees it on the coffee table. He then looks at Mike. "Are you high right now?"

"I'm not interested in being judged either," Mike replies before asking, "how did you even know where I lived?"

"I went by your place one evening to bring you soup and Gatorade after you told me you were hungover and not feeling well and a stranger answered the door. Great way to find out, by the way. I looked through your employee file for the updated address. Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I would have if I ever thought you were interested in knowing. . It's not exactly like you had been dropping by to visit me on a reoccurring basis."

"Fair enough. But, uh, that's kind of what I came here to talk to you about. Can we maybe sit down somewhere?"

"Okay," Mike says. He leads Harvey over to the kitchen table. He pulls out a chair and sits down and Harvey does the same in the seat directly across from him. 

"Look, Mike. I'm not even really sure how to start any of this, so I guess I'll just dive into it." Harvey pauses and runs his tongue across his bottom lip. Suddenly his mouth feels very dry. "When I kicked you out, I never thought it would be for this long. I definitely didn't think it would put this much space between us either. I think overall I was just really naive about everything."

Mike studies Harvey's expression, trying to figure out where he's going with any of this.

"That said, I have been sober since that night. I had a few close calls, where the temptation felt so strong, and I started to convince myself that I needed a drink more than I needed to have my shit together, but I didn't give in. Not once." Harvey puts his elbows on the table and leans in a little. "I've been consistent with my therapy and I've--I've talked about things there in the last few months that I truly thought I was going to have to take to my grave. I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell anybody some of those things. 

But I did, because I knew I needed help understanding some of the things that happened to me and why they made me feel the way they did." Somewhere along the line tears have started to spill from Harvey's eyes, silent and unremarkable. He wipes them away with his forearm and continues. "I'm on different meds now. I don't see Luke anymore, and probably more important is the fact that I don't want to see him. I burned his letters months ago. I tried to tell you that at one point. And my nightmares...they are--well, they're not completely gone. But they are few and far between and they're...not the same as before. They're less intense. I know where I am when I wake up from one. I know what's real and what isn't. Everything is just so different now."

The words should be easy to say. Because he means them. He really does. It's all he ever wanted for Harvey, but they feel stuck in his throat, they feel like they're going to choke him. He has to fight to drag them to the surface and force them out of his mouth. "I'm happy for you."

"You're the only reason I was able to do it. I wouldn't have stuck with anything if getting back to you wasn't constantly on my mind." Harvey reaches across the table and places his hands overtop Mike's. "This is I guess all to say that I want to give this thing with you another shot."

Mike pulls his hands away from Harvey. "You can't be fucking serious."

Harvey's a little taken back by it. "I wouldn't be coming to you if I weren't."

"Are you kidding me? I've poured my fucking heart out to you for months in texts and the most you ever gave me was a one-word response. We barely even speak anymore."

"You're the one that wanted to stop working with me. I tried--"

Mike doesn't let him finish. "You didn't try shit, Harvey. You tried to offer me _work_ , but did you ever stop to think that maybe I was just sick of our whole relationship being us talking about _this_ case or _that_ case or about mergers and drafts and fucking depositions. I wanted to be in a _relationship_ with you, not be reduced to being your fucking _associate_ again. And that's all I've felt like to you for too goddamn long!" Mike shouts at him. The frustration he's bottled up is now coming out full force and it's taking everything in him to fight back the tears that are quickly filling his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I really am and I don't know what to say besides that. I admit I haven't handled things perfectly--" Harvey starts.

Mike scoffs and shakes his head.

"But if I didn't do something drastic or make some kind of change, I don't think things would have ended well for either of us, in fact, I know they wouldn't have. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I didn't even feel stable most of the time. I put my hands on you and I hurt you. Multiple times. You can't look me in the eye and tell me that you were completely happy with how we were. You can't tell me there weren't times where you weren't fucking _scared_ of me. I know you were and that _kills_ me, don't you get that?"

"And what do you think you shutting me out did? Do you think that didn't _scare_ me? You think it didn't scare me that I never knew what the fuck was going on with you? I didn't know if things were okay, I didn't know if they were bad, I didn't know anything at all because you kept me completely in the dark. Do you even care about how that affected me? Do you even care that I was stuck worrying myself sick over you every goddamn day while you couldn't even bother to do something as simple as return a fucking call or a text so that I would know that you were still alive and breathing?"

"Alive and breathing?" Harvey repeats and he sounds wounded. "I promised you I would never do anything again like I did that night."

"I know you did. But your promises don't exactly mean what they used to."

He's not wrong, but the words still feel like a slap in the face to Harvey, one he feels like he's well-deserving of. 

"I'm sorry that the things I did hurt you. I am. I'm so fucking sorry about all of it," he says and his voice breaks. He quickly collects himself and continues. "I'm sure there was a better way of handling it but I didn't feel like I had time to come up with some perfect plan. I was desperate. All I knew is that I was drowning and you were swimming next to me, and you can't swim next to someone who's drowning, Mike, they will pull you under with them." Harvey looks at him, eyes helpless and pleading.

This is all so out of the blue and Mike is overwhelmed by everything that Harvey is saying and the way he's saying it and the implications of it all. He stares down at the table in front of him for a long while before looking back up to meet Harvey's eyes. "What if _I'm_ the problem, Harvey? What if I come back and you end up drinking again, or you decide to stop taking your meds, and therapy suddenly doesn't seem all that important? What if things get bad again?"

"They won't."

"How can you possibly know that? If you're finally on the right path, I don't want to be the one that knocks you off of it. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for something like that."

"I am just asking you for a chance. And believe me, I know I don't deserve to be asking anything of you, but--I miss having you in my life. We can take things slow. We can start over," Harvey says, unable to stop the hope from seeping into his voice.

Mike sighs heavily. "I don't know. This is...this is a lot to take in. And it's all so sudden and I--can you maybe just give me some time to think about it?"

"Of course you can, I'm not trying to rush you into making a decision," Harvey assures.

Mike nods appreciatively, eyes wandering from Harvey's eyes to his mouth and back again.

There's an awkward silence that lingers after that, neither of them knowing quite where to take the conversation next. Thankfully, Harvey decides to do them both a favor and just put an end to it. "I should probably start heading back now. I don't want to take up any more of your time."

Mike pushes his chair back and stands up from the table. "Let me get the door for you."

Mike starts walking and Harvey gets up from where he's sitting and follows him to the door. Mike turns the doorknob and swings it open, stepping out of the way. Harvey steps across the threshold and turns back around. "Hey, um, if you want to talk or text or if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to get in touch."

Mike almost finds that statement to be insulting considering the sheer amount of times that he's called or text Harvey because he's fucking _needed_ him, only to be completely ignored. He pushes down those feelings and somehow manages to force an "I will," out of his mouth instead because he gets that Harvey is trying. Or at least he claims he is.

"All right. I guess I'll talk to you later," Harvey says to him, sounding a little unsure of himself.

"Goodnight, Harvey."

Harvey turns and walks down the hallway and Mike closes the door once he's out of sight. He walks back over and throws himself down on the couch where he knows he is going to spend the next several hours mulling over whether or not he did the right thing. He doesn't want to sweep everything that happened between him and Harvey under the rug, though he thinks that would have been the easiest thing to do because it's always been so easy to forgive him for anything, and god he misses him so damn much.

He also considers that maybe this whole thing was some strange fluke and Harvey will have changed his mind by tomorrow and be back to wanting nothing to do with him and that perhaps by not jumping at the opportunity he's now resided himself to a lifetime of misery.

His high from earlier is long gone, both time and his conversation with Harvey sobering him up. He decides that he needs to recapture that high and that maybe if he's lucky it can assist in providing him with a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

There's no doubt that he needs it. He is so tired. Tired of being mad. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being away from Harvey. He's just tired.

\-----

As soon as Harvey wakes up he reaches over for his phone. He had hoped to find a message from Mike and is disappointed to find that there's no such thing. He doesn't feel like he can be the one to message him first either because he doesn't want to come across as being pushy when he had told him that he would give him time to think things through. Less than 24 hours certainly isn't sufficient enough to have thought anything through.

Harvey puts his phone back down and rolls out of bed and decides to get started with his morning routine, which on a weekend consists of throwing on his sweats, eating breakfast, and slowly sipping his coffee while he works his way through the crossword puzzle in the paper. He hasn't been able to complete one since Mike's been gone. He was always so good at them. Annoyingly good.

Once he finishes his coffee, he takes his meds, grabs his gym bag, and heads out the door. He's gotten back into boxing these last few months, it's proven to be a good way to get out all the aggression instead of letting it build-up inside of him until it explodes in the most unhealthy of ways.

After he's done with the gym, he'll usually walk three blocks to their spot. That little park bench on the sidewalk that somehow felt like it belonged to them after a few long conversations spent there. It's always a good spot to think and reflect on everything. 

Today is no different, he finishes up at the gym and makes the three-block walk over to the bench, only this time as he closes in on it he sees that it's already occupied. That happens from time to time. Usually, he'll wait until it clears, or sit down and strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to him. 

As he gets a little closer, he sees that it's occupied by a familiar face. 

"Are you stalking me now?" Mike asks him.

"I swear I didn't know you would be here. I like to come here after I workout sometimes. My gym is literally three blocks away."

"It's fine, Harvey. I wasn't being serious."

"I'll leave you alone and come back some other time."

"Don't be ridiculous. Come sit," Mike encourages.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Harvey walks over and sits down next to him. "Do you come here often?"

"Just when I need to clear my head."

"So... _often_ , then?"

Mike laughs a little. "Yeah...I guess."

"I can't blame you, it's a good spot. We had some good talks here."

"We did," Mike agrees.

"I miss it," Harvey says wistfully.

"Me too." Mike stares ahead for a while, content with watching the world go by in front of him before he finally turns back to Harvey. "I'm happy for you. I know I said that yesterday but I don't want that to be buried by anything else I said. The strength that you've had to have to get through the things you have is nothing short of incredible and I'm so fucking proud of you. I need you to know that."

"Thanks," Harvey says eventually, his voice thick with emotion. "You know, doing things the way I did felt a lot like starting a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle but knowing that when you start it there would be a good chance that the very last piece you need to complete it would be missing. You wonder a lot if it's even worth putting in the effort."

"Am I your missing puzzle piece?"

"You are. You're the most important piece. You're the one that completes things."

"But why now, Harvey? Why not last week or a month ago, or why not even a week from now? Why come to me now?"

Harvey looks down and smiles wryly at the question. "It's kind of stupid, I guess, but I had a dream. Not a nightmare, but an honest to god _dream_. I haven't had one of those since I was in that basement and dreams were the only reprieve my mind got. Anyway--it was you and me, and we were _happy_. I don't even remember many details about anything else, but the happiness? That was so vivid. I woke up and it didn't feel like something that just had to be a dream. It felt like it was something I could actually have. That _we_ could have. It felt tangible. It felt like a sign."

"A sign of what?"

"That I'm ready."

Mike stares at him, the expression on his face is unreadable.

"You think it's ridiculous," Harvey concludes.

"I didn't say that. I just didn't really take you for the type to believe in signs."

Harvey barks out a quick laugh. "Yeah, I think I kind of surprised myself with that one, too."

"Fuck it. I'm in," Mike says bluntly after a long pause. 

"What?"

"I'm all in. I want to give this thing another shot."

"What happened to needing more time to think about it?"

"All I do is think. I'm tired of it. I trust what I feel and this? _Us_? It just feels right. I know that we can make it work."

Harvey smiles and there's finally some light behind his eyes again. "We'll still need to take things slow. I don't want to rush anything."

"I agree. Why don't we start with a date?"

They sit there and plan their date together, with Mike picking the day and time and leaving it to Harvey to pick the place. 

After they get the details of that worked out, they talk a little bit longer until Mike looks at his watch.

"Shit," he says when he sees the time. He had made plans with Sean and it was getting dangerously close to him running late for them.

"What?" 

"Nothing. I have something at noon I have to do, so I should probably get going."

"By all means, don't let me keep you from your plans."

"I'm really glad we ran into each other here of all places and had a chance to talk."

"I knew stalking you would eventually pay off," Harvey jokes.

"Whatever," Mike replies with a smile as he stands up from the bench. He stretches his neck and shoulders, rolling his head from left to right before looking down at Harvey. "Can I--can we hug?"

Harvey answers by standing up and opening his arms for Mike. Mike immediately steps into them and wraps his arms around him, holds him close, and breathes him in. Few things have ever felt as good as this. 

"I'll see you, Monday," Mike says as they break apart. 

"Looking forward to it," Harvey responds. 

"All right, the bench is all yours. I'm out of here."

"You don't need me to get you a ride or anything?"

"No, I'm going to walk. It's nice out."

"Okay. Be careful."

"I will. Bye, Harvey."

"See ya, Mike."

Mike smiles at him and turns and starts to walk down the street. 

"Make sure you look both ways before you cross!" Harvey yells at him.

Mike turns around and Harvey's pretty sure he saw him roll his eyes. 

They both leave the conversation feeling optimistic about things in a way they haven't in a long time. Cautiously optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless.


	57. [happy ending 3/4]

"Sorry, I'm late," Mike says as he slides into the empty chair across from Sean at a table outside of the small cafe where they had agreed to meet.

Sean notices Mike is slightly out of breath and his cheeks are flushed. "Did you walk all the way here?"

"No. I mean, not from my apartment. I was in the area-ish."

"Work thing?" 

"Not quite," Mike smirks. 

"What's that about?"

"What's what about?"

"The little smile."

"I didn't smile."

"You're smiling right now," Sean points out.

Mike didn't realize he was doing it until Sean said something. "Okay, fine. I happen to have a date."

"With who?" 

Mike shoots Sean a look as if it's the most ridiculous question in the world. It kind of is. "Harvey. _Obviously_."

"Okay, I'm confused, you two have barely been talking from what you've told me, and now you're back together? How the hell does that happen?"

"We're not...back together. But we've decided we're going to give it another shot."

Sounds like the same thing to him, Sean. He doesn't bother trying to hide the concern on his face. 

"Don't do that," Mike says.

"I'm not doing anything."

"Yes, you are. You're looking at me like I'm an idiot." 

"I don't think you're an idiot, but I _do_ think that you need to be careful."

"I am being careful. We're going to take things slow. Harvey is doing better. He's not drinking, he's going to therapy, and he's even on new meds that he says are helping him a lot."

"Yeah, well, just because he tells you all those things are happening, doesn't mean that they actually are."

"Oh, god, Sean, not this again. Last time you convinced me that he wasn't going to therapy when he was. I accused him of lying to me about it and it made me look and feel like a total asshole. I'm not letting you get in my head about things this time." 

"I'm not trying to get in your head about anything. I just don't want to see you get hurt by him."

 _Again_ hangs unsaid in the air between them.

"I don't need you to protect me, especially not from Harvey of all people."

 _Bullshit_ , Sean thinks. "I know," he says. He doesn't want to fight with Mike about this, because it's a fight that he knows can't be won. Mike has tunnel vision when it comes to all things Harvey. Sean thinks it's probably always been that way.

"Well if you know, then maybe pump the brakes on the skepticism and hold off on throwing Harvey under the bus just yet, okay?"

"Okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad it's just--"

"You worry. You think I don't know that by now? And I appreciate that you want to look out for me. But I promise you that I am proceeding with caution."

"That's all I ask."

"Then it's settled," Mike says as he leans back in his chair, "Now, can we maybe order some food? I'm starving."

"Yeah, we can do that. You're still paying, right?"

"Ah, I would but love to," Mike pats at his empty pants pockets, "but it seems I forgot my wallet at home."

"How convenient."

-

Despite the rocky start, everything after is smooth sailing. The food is good, the conversation is better and Mike walks away from lunch feeling re-energized. He feels good and it's been too long since he felt anything but miserable. He's trying not to get his hopes up by today's turn of events, but having any hope at all after months of hopelessness is almost intoxicating in a way. 

When he gets back home, instead of knocking back a few beers or getting high and plopping himself in front of the tv for the rest of the day the way he typically would, he decides to tidy up his apartment and get everything back in order. 

-

It takes him nearly two hours, but when he sits down on the couch after everything is done, it was well worth the effort. The place looks good. It doesn't feel like home, and it never will, but it at least looks habitable now. No more empty pizza boxes sitting around, no more chairs being used as a place to hang things, and the clean laundry that's been sitting in a hamper for over a month has finally found a home in a dresser. 

Mike reaches for the remote, wanting to unwind a bit and watch some tv. As he's scrolling through Netflix, he gets a message on his phone. He reaches in his pocket to check and sees that it's from Harvey. That's certainly a strange feeling. 

_  
H: Looking forward to Monday  
_

Mike smiles to himself as he reads it before replying.

_M: me too. speaking of, what should i wear? do i need to dress up?  
H: Dress casual. But not too casual.  
M: so you're saying i shouldn't wear my crocs then?  
H: It's scary that I don't know if you're joking or not. But DO NOT wear those. In fact, burn them now.  
M: message received  
H: Good._

They exchange a few more messages and then Harvey says he's got some work to do and says goodnight in advance to him. Mike tosses his phone aside and goes to his closet to find something casual but not _too_ casual to wear on their date. He wonders if Harvey considers jeans too casual. Mike chooses them anyway and decides to pair them with a nice dark gray dress shirt. No tie. He lays the outfit out on the bed and nods his head in approval of his own choice. 

After that, he returns to the couch to finish winding down for the night. 

\-----

Harvey pops his head in Mike's office Monday afternoon. "Hey," he greets in a hushed tone "are you busy?"

Mike looks up from the papers in front of him and leans back in his chair. "These days? Always. Why? What's up?"

Harvey enters and takes a few steps towards Mike's desk before stopping. "I wanted to make sure that we were still on for tonight."

"Of course. What time were you thinking?"

"Is eight o'clock okay? Or is that too close to your bedtime?"

"Eight's fine for me, but are you sure the old folk's home is going to allow you out that late?"

"I think I'll find a way to get them to make an exception."

Mike smiles. "I'm really looking forward to tonight."

"So am I," Harvey returns the smile, "I'll let you get back to work now." 

Harvey turns to leave the office and as he's at the door Mike calls him back "Harvey?"

He turns around "Yeah?"

"Is it still a firm 'no' on the crocs or is there room for negotiation?"

Harvey makes a face of disgust and rolls his eyes at Mike. "Get back to work."

"I guess that's a yes to the firm no," Mike says to himself as Harvey is already halfway down the hall. 

\-----

After work, Mike goes home and showers, and gets changed. He checks himself out in the full-length mirror and decides the jeans need to go. Instead, he changes into a pair of black dress pants and places himself in front of the mirror again. He turns to the side. And then to the other side. He's not sure if he likes this look any better, but he's sticking with it regardless. He goes into the bathroom and works on his hair next. He combs it and then works a little pomade through it, being meticulous and neatly smoothing down the pieces that are sticking up. 

He stares at himself in the mirror. He tests out a smile. "Ugh," he groans as the smile disappears and his shoulders slump. He turns out the bathroom light and leaves the room. 

He sits on the couch and looks at his watch. He still has a little bit of time to kill, so he turns on the tv. 

-

There's eventually a knock on the door. Mike grabs the remote and turns off the tv, before getting up off the couch and walking over to the door. He smooths his hair down with his hands one last time before taking a deep breath in and pushing it out. He opens the door. 

Harvey is standing on the other side of the door. He's dressed in dark grey slacks and a white dress shirt, with the top button undone. He looks sharp. No surprise there.

"Hey," he greets.

"Hey," Mike responds. 

Harvey looks him up and down. "You look handsome."

"Oh. Thanks. You too."

"You ready to go?" 

"Yeah, just let me get the lights real quick." Mike ducks back inside and rushes around turning off all the lights except for the one above the kitchen sink. "All right, now I'm ready," he informs when he returns to Harvey.

Harvey walks him outside and opens the door of the car, and Mike slides in. Harvey shuts the door and walks to the other side and gets in and they're off. 

-

The ride there had been relatively quiet. Harvey had asked Mike a few things and he answered, but for the most part he seemed content to just look out the window and Harvey was content just letting him. 

The car eventually slows and pulls alongside the curb. 

"This it?" Mike asks.

"Yep," Harvey replies. He opens his door and walks around to get Mike's door for him, but he's already opened it and gotten out himself. 

"I was going to get that for you."

"I guess I saved you the trouble then. What is this place?" 

It's a small building, nothing particularly remarkable about it from the outside. They go inside and the vibe isn't much different in there than it had been out. They are seated at a table in the corner away from most every else and given menus to look over. 

"I thought this place would be right up your alley," Harvey says, "You know, burgers and fries and nothing on the menu that you can't pronounce."

"That _does_ sound right up my alley."

They look over the menu a little while longer before reaching a decision. When the waiter comes back they order their drinks and food and turn in their menus. 

"So..." Harvey starts, "what's been going on with you? Catch me up on your life."

Mike laughs a little. "I don't think there's much to be caught up on. There's only work. And no offense, but I'm not all that interested in talking about that tonight."

"What about Sean?"

"What about him?"

"Are you two--uh, still pretty close?" 

"I mean...yeah. He's my friend, did you want him to abandon me too? " Mike snaps defensively.

As much as Harvey hates to think of what he did to Mike as abandoning, it kind of was, no matter what his justifications of it are. That said, he doesn't want to say anything that could start an argument so he decides not to focus on that particular word and instead says "I'm glad you have someone like him. I think he's been really good for you."

Mike looks a little stunned. "Hold up a second. I could have sworn I just heard you say that Sean Cahill has been good for me and you actually sounded sincere about it. Did I hear that right?"

"You did."

"Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?"

"I'm just saying, I know he's gone out of his way for the both of us, multiple times, and maybe his motives weren't always altruistic, I don't have any way of knowing that, and I never will, but it doesn't matter because the fact is he didn't have to do any of it, and he still did and for that I'm grateful. But if you tell him I said any of this, I'm going to deny every single word of it, you understand?"

"Your secret is safe with me. Besides, I don't think he'd believe a word of it anyway."

Just then the waiter arrives at the table with their milkshakes. Harvey was going to order a water, but Mike was insistent that he get a milkshake instead. The waiter sets his down in front of him and then Mike's. He asks them if they need anything else to which they say no, and he informs them that their food would be out shortly before leaving the table. 

Mike is already attempting to suck from the straw, and not having much luck because the milkshake is so thick.

"You're going to make yourself light-headed doing that," Harvey warns.

Mike manages to finally get the tiniest bit through the straw. Well worth the effort. "Oh, god. That is so good. You need to try yours," Mike urges.

"I think I'll wait until it melts enough that I don't have a burst a blood vessel in my eye to enjoy it."

"Where's the fun in that?" Mike asks before going in for another taste. 

Their food arrives shortly after. They had both ordered a burger and fries. Mike's without pickles and Harvey's with. Mike wastes no time in picking up a fry and shoveling it into his mouth. He reaches for the bottle of ketchup next, twisting the cap off and pouring a puddle onto his plate so he can dip his fries. "You need some?" he points the bottle towards Harvey.

"No thanks," Harvey waves him off. 

There's a brief silence as they start to dive into their food. Harvey takes a bite of his burger and then dabs his face with his napkin. "So, I've kind of been dying to know the story of how you ended up with your face all busted up awhile back."

"Yeah, well, I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Hello? The first rule of Fight Club ring any bells?"

Harvey rolls his eyes. "I'm being serious. You're not like--in some kind of trouble are you?"

"No. It was just a little bar fight. Some drunk dickhead was bothering this girl, and I tried to help."

"Ah, a damsel in distress, your weakness, I should have known as much."

"For the record, they're my second weakness, my first weakness is corporate lawyers with bad haircuts." 

Harvey feigns offense. "You think my haircut is bad?"

"It's certainly not good," Mike replies. 

"I guess you would be the expert on that." Harvey picks up a fry and reaches across to dip it in Mike's ketchup before taking a bite.

"I thought you didn't want any?"

"I don't," Harvey finishes the rest of the fry before continuing, "So, tell me, this drunken dickhead...did you at least land a punch on him?"

"Oh, I landed one. But unfortunately, he didn't seem to be bothered much by it. I think that right there was my cue to officially retire from bar fights."

"One of your better ideas. How often are you frequenting bars?"

Mike shrugs his shoulders. "A couple of times a month. The quiet of my apartment gets too loud sometimes. I like the constant hum of noise there. It relaxes me."

"Are you sure it's not the alcohol doing that?"

"You judging me right now? Because I'm feeling a little judged." 

"No, not at all. I'm trying to figure out where your heads at." 

"Look, I can stop drinking whenever I want. I'm not like, an alcoholic or anything. In fact, I've already started to cut back recently."

"And what about therapy? Did you ever end up going back after walking out that one day?"

"Why? Is it a dealbreaker if I didn't?" Mike doesn't bother to hide the annoyance in his voice. 

"I'm just curious, is all. You don't have to get defensive."

"I'm _not_ being defensive," Mike tries to argue, though he knows he is, "But, no, I didn't go back. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just--"

"Hard."

"Yeah. That."

"I know we talked about you joining me at mine, and then...well, shit went sideways, to say the least. But--is that something you'd maybe still be interested in?"

"You'd be okay with that?" Mike tries to hide the surprise in his voice but doesn't manage it well. He definitely didn't think taking things slow would involve being asked to attend therapy with him. 

"I know we have things to work out between us and I know there's plenty of questions that you still have that I can give you the answers to, but I think it'd probably be a good idea to have a third party that can kind of help us navigate all of that."

Mike lets out a little laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just strange hearing you talk like this. I mean, something like that would have never come out of your mouth not so long ago."

"I'd like to think I'm not quite the same person I was not so long ago. And listen, you don't have to give me an answer right away, I can give you time to think about it. I know I'm kind of springing this one you."

"Yes," Mike answers right away. "I'll go."

"Are you sure? I know it's kind of a big ask."

"I said I'd go with you before and I haven't wavered from that. Though, I'm not sure what the etiquette is on asking somebody to attend therapy together while out on a date is?"

"I think given our unique circumstances it's something that's completely acceptable at this point."

"No arguments on that," Mike says with a smile.

The conversation continues from there and even after both their plates are mostly cleared, they continue talking, neither one of them wanting to be the one to bring up the reality of the night drawing to a close.

Eventually, the check is brought to their table. Harvey pays and they walk side by side towards the exit, at some point Mike casually slips his hand into Harvey's. The small show of affection makes warmth bloom in his chest.

They walk out and away from the building, and are standing on the sidewalk when Harvey asks "Do you want to go back to my place for a bit?"

"I don't know. Does it still count as us taking things slow if I say yes to something like that?"

Harvey shrugs the question off. "It's just to talk more. Maybe have some tea and wind down for the night. Doesn't get much slower than that, right?"

Mike knows this is probably the part where he should say no. Make Harvey stick to his guns on taking things slow, make himself stick to it, but at the moment he doesn't particularly care about fast or slow, he just wants more time with him. He wants to take every single second Harvey offers him and savor it on the off chance that this is some fluke and Harvey changes his mind about everything the next morning. "Let's go," he decides.

-

They arrive back at Harvey's place and they're barely through the door and Harvey is already offering to make Mike some tea. Mike accepts the offer and Harvey moves through the kitchen, filling the kettle with water.

Mike leans forward against the counter, propping himself up on his elbows. "It's been so long since I've been here," he notes.

Harvey turns the burner on and turns to face Mike. "Too long. If it's any consolation, I've kept everything the same. I didn't move any of your things around or anything like that."

Mike turns around and surveys the room to confirm that what he's saying is true and after a few seconds he concludes that it's the truth. "You could have at least upgraded the couch while I was gone."

"But then you'd have to find something else to complain about all the time."

"I think I could probably manage that."

"Now that's something we can agree on."

Mike scrunches his face. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks playfully.

"I think you know what it means." Harvey walks over to the cabinet and pulls out a medium-sized container. "What kind of tea do you want?" 

"Are you trying to change the subject?"

"I didn't think I was being that obvious."

"Gimme a break," Mike says, walking over to where Harvey is standing. He takes the box from Harvey's hand and starts to rifle through it. "Geez. I didn't even know there were this many flavors of tea in existence." He continues searching through them and finally pulls one out of the box. "How about this one?" he asks, holding it up for Harvey to see.

"Blackcurrant. Good choice. Lots of vitamin C."

"So what are you, like some kind of tea connoisseur now? Because if so, I think I should get some credit for that since technically I am the one that got you started on it."

"Don't worry, I'll be sure you're the very first person I thank when I accept my Tea Connoisseur of the Year award."

"That's all I ask." 

Harvey finishes making the tea while Mike watches on. He carefully carries it into the living room, places it down on the coffee table while they both sit down next to each other. Mike goes to pick up the tea to try it and Harvey pushes his hand away and tells him to let it cool down first. Mike leans back against the cushions behind him. 

It hasn't been weird being with Harvey, but being back in this particular place that he hasn't been in months, sitting next to him with silence stretching between them does have him feeling something he can't quite find the words for. 

"Mike," Harvey starts. "I need to talk to you about something important."

Mike doesn't like the sound of that. He looks over at Harvey who sees the worry already plastered on his face and rushes to erase it. "It's nothing bad, per se. Or at least, I don't think it is."

"What do you mean you don't think it's bad? It's either bad or it isn't. What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just--I kind of feel like I've been misleading you about the way things are with me."

"Harvey, I swear to God if you call what we're doing right now a mistake--"

"No, no, "Harvey stops him. "It's not a mistake. But, I do think I may have made things sound better than they are."

"You lied to me?"

"Okay, can you please stop jumping to conclusions for a second and let me try to explain?"

"I'm sorry. Go ahead."

"Everything I told you is true, about not drinking and taking my meds and sticking to my appointments. But I don't want you to think that everything is somehow magically fixed with me just because I do all those things. I have bad days. Some days I just wake up and I'm so fucking sad about everything that happened and I can't shake it. Or I feel angry at the world for allowing it to happen. Or sometimes it's even something stupid that sets me off, like seeing the same type of rope he used, or seeing an old stained-up mattress sitting on the curb...or a dozen other fucking minuscule things that I never would have thought twice about before, and they all just--they force me back to the places I am so desperate to get away from."

Harvey pushes a breath out and leans forward with his elbows on his knees, eyes fixed on the floor. Mike reaches over and lays a hand on his shoulder to offer comfort, let him know that he's there for him. Harvey welcomes it. He's missed the comfort that Mike brings by just being there. 

"I'm trying to learn to get better at getting through those days, but...," he trails off. 

Mike continues rubbing his shoulder. "But what?" he asks softly.

"I don't think they'll ever go away."

"They won't," Mike states matter-of-factly.

Harvey turns his head to look over at Mike, a little surprised that he had agreed with him and instead of offering some kind of assurance.

Mike continues. "Not entirely. But little by little those days _will_ get farther apart and you'll get better at learning how to drag yourself through and make it to the other side of them."

Harvey considers it for a moment. "I guess you do know a thing or two about bad days, huh?"

"I've had a few here and there."

"And how many of those were a direct result of me?" 

Mike slowly slides his hand away from Harvey's shoulder, feeling a little disheartened that that's what Harvey took away from it. "Harvey," Mike says exasperated "that's not what I was trying to say."

"I know it's not. But it's something I think about a lot. You know I would go back and fix things if I could. I messed up so much along the way. I did so many terrible things. I chose him over you at times and it makes me so fucking sick to my stomach to think that I could ever do that." Harvey's breath catches sharply as he fights back a sob.

"It's okay, Harvey."

"It's not okay, and you don't have to say it is," Harvey says. He will _never_ be okay with the things that Mike had to endure because of him and the choices he made along the way. "I guess all this is just me trying to give you a warning that it's not going to be all puppies and rainbows, and I will completely understand if you want to go a different direction."

"First of all, it doesn't _all_ need to be puppies and rainbows, just one puppy will suffice. And secondly, go a different direction? Is this about us being together or me becoming your client?"

"I'm being serious."

"I know you are. And so am I. About the puppy. Seriously, Harvey, you think I don't know that not everything is going to be perfect? You think I don't know we still have a lot to work through and that we're going to hit more bumps in the road along the way? Jesus, our relationship started with you crashing my wedding, I was never expecting perfection or an easy road from there. I mean, did I think it would end up being this hard? Of course not. But nobody could have predicted the things that happened. Let me ask you this though, do you think our hardest day is behind us?"

"I do," he wastes no time in responding. It's something he doesn't have to think long or hard about because he's positive that no day going forward gets any harder than the plethora of ones they've already been through.

"Than I think we can probably make it through just about anything that comes our way from here on out, don't you think?"

"I hope so," Harvey exhales. There's a brief silence before Harvey says "By the way, when are you going to stop bringing up that whole wedding crashing thing? I think it's time to let that one go. It's getting a little old."

" _You're_ getting a little old." 

"Your comebacks have really gone to shit, you know that, right?"

"Damn. I think you actually might be right. I must be out of practice from not being around you all the time."

"That and there's the fact that you were never really all that great at them, to begin with."

"Yeah, well...shut-up."

"Good one. Keep it up and you'll soon be able to go toe-to-toe with the kindergarteners on the playground."

"You insult all your dates like this?"

"You're my only date, so technically, yes."

Mike rolls his eyes and leans forward to pick up his cup of tea. "You think this is cool enough to drink, yet?" he asks.

"Probably, but proceed with caution."

Mike slowly brings the cup up to his mouth and takes the tiniest sip from it before placing the cup back down. 

"What's the verdict?"

"Still too hot."

"I mean about the taste."

"Oh. It's good. I mean it's not even on the level of the milkshake from earlier, but it's--good."

Harvey takes a sip from his cup. "Ahh," he mouths before putting it back down. "Hey, uh, would you by chance want to watch a movie or something?"

"What does the 'or something' entail?"

"I don't know. I didn't think that far ahead. I figured you'd just say yes to the movie."

"Fair enough. Let's watch a movie."

"What do you want to watch?"

"You pick. Just nothing too sad or--"

Harvey interrupts and finishes his sentence."Nothing where the dog dies. I know."

Harvey gets up from the couch and disappears down the hallway. When he returns he's carrying a blanket tucked under his arm. "I know you always get cold," he says as he tosses it towards Mike. Mike unfolds it and covers himself with it while Harvey walks around and dims some of the lights in the house. 

When Mike sees him approaching the couch, he lifts the blanket so that Harvey can get under it with him. There's a brief moment of hesitation for Harvey when he wonders if maybe he shouldn't. Or that maybe he shouldn't have dimmed the lights, or got the blanket in the first place, or invited Mike here at all because in some ways it feels like they're jumping right back into the way things used to be versus taking them slow. But the counter-argument to that is that he feels happy right now and Mike doesn't seem to be having any issues with how the night is going so why fight against that?

Harvey gets under the blanket and they both shift until they find comfortable positions. Harvey finds a movie and hits play. 

It doesn't take long for Mike's head to locate Harvey's shoulder. Mike lifts it off immediately after doing it, turning his head to look at Harvey, as if he's looking for permission. Harvey doesn't say anything so Mike lays his head back down on him where it remains for the rest of the movie. 

-

The credits of the movie start to roll and Mike removes his head from Harvey's shoulder and adjusts himself until he's in a sitting position. He lets out a big yawn while stretching his arms over his head. Harvey reaches for the remote and turns the tv off. 

"I guess I better start heading home, it's getting late," Mike says after glancing at his watch.

"Stay the night."

"Is that a request or a demand?"

"It's an offer. As you said, it's getting late, and it's not like you don't have clothes here to change into in the morning. It makes sense to just stay."

"Can we sleep in the same bed?" Mike knows he's pushing it, but can't help himself.

"Sure," Harvey says before he has time to let himself think of all the ways that it's a bad idea and things could go wrong.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. It's not like the bed isn't big enough for the two of us. Why don't you go get changed while I clean up and take care of things out here and then I'll join you."

"All right."

Mike gets out from under the blanket and rubs his eyes before getting up and shuffling socked feet towards the bedroom, he had kicked his shoes about ten minutes into the movie. 

Harvey gathers up their empty mugs and carries them out to the kitchen sink. He grabs a new glass from the cabinet and fills it at the fridge. He takes it over and sets it down on the counter while he grabs his little nighttime pill container, flips the plastic top, and empties them into his hand. As he tosses them onto his tongue and washes them down, he tries not to think about how the fate of his relationship with Mike suddenly feels like it rests on a few tiny pills being able to do their job. He wonders if it will ever _not_ feel that way.

He dumps the rest of the water down the sink and sets the glass down next to the mugs before turning off the remaining lights and heading to join Mike in the bedroom.

He doesn't see Mike initially but notices the bathroom light is on. He walks over and knocks on it. "Everything okay in there?"

"Yeah. Just changing and brushing my teeth. I'll be out in a second."

"No rush," Harvey replies. While Mike is busy doing that, he decides to get changed himself. He opens his dresser draw and pulls out a pair of clean pajama pants, followed by a t-shirt before stripping out of his clothes. 

He's just pulled his head through the hole of his shirt when he sees Mike standing at the frame of the bathroom door watching him. "Sorry," Mike apologizes when Harvey catches him staring, "I wasn't trying to."

Harvey shrugs it off. "It's fine. Are you done in there?" 

"It's all yours," Mike says as he steps out of the way. 

Harvey goes in but leaves the door open. He grabs his toothbrush and squeezes some toothpaste on it before running it under water and starting to brush. He watches Mike crawl into the bed out of the corner of his eye while he brushes his teeth. 

He rinses the toothbrush under the running water and puts it away, before rinsing his mouth out. Spitting into the sink, and rinsing it down before finishing up and drying his hands on the towel hung on the wall next to the sink. He turns out the light and leaves the bathroom. Mike is still sitting propped up against the pillows. 

Harvey walks over and pulls the covers back far enough that he can crawl beneath them. 

"Are you sure you're okay with this? It's not too weird or anything is it?"

"I mean, I don't feel weird about it. Why? Do you feel weird about it?"

"No."

"Okay. So why don't you turn out your light and get some sleep? I'm going to set an alarm for the both of us."

"Okay," Mike says before rolling over and reaching to turn out the light on his side. 

Harvey clicks through his phone and sets the alarm before placing it down on the nightstand next to him and turning out the light on his side of the bed.

"Goodnight, Harvey," Mike says after a few minutes of them laying in silence. Those aren't the words he wants to say, but they're safer than the ones he does. They're completely harmless. They'll do for now.

"Goodnight, Mike," he replies. 

The room is back to being drowned in silence. There are a few times where Mike thinks about saying something else but stops himself. He instead revels in the comfort that just laying next to Harvey is providing. The whole night has given him back that feeling of belonging that he's never felt with anybody else. He closes his eyes and drifts off with ease, something he hasn't done with the help of alcohol or weed in what seems like ages.

Harvey remains awake. He eventually rolls over on his side towards Mike. There's just enough light coming through the curtain that he can make out his facial features. Harvey reaches out and softly strokes his cheek with his thumb. It's soft and warm and Mike doesn't move at all when he does it and it starts to feel like he's getting away with something so he stops and tucks his arm back under the blanket and rolls back over onto his back. He closes his eyes and instead listens to the sound of Mike's breathing, the reassuring sound of it eventually lulling him to sleep.

\-----

When he opens his eyes, Mike is staring directly at him. "Good morning," he says, voice rough with sleep.

Harvey balls his fist up and rubs his eyes before responding. "Morning." 

"How did you sleep?"

"Better than I have in a long time," he answers honestly, "You?"

"Same."

Harvey keeps his eyes locked on Mike. The beams of sunlight are lighting up delicate features and his hair is a complete mess and Harvey doesn't think he's ever looked more beautiful than he does right now. He's missed having him to wake up to. It makes the corners of his mouth turn upward into a smile involuntarily. 

Harvey's smile makes Mike immediately smile back at him. "What is it?" he asks curiously.

Harvey leans forward and kisses him. It's soft and gentle and over in the blink of an eye. 

Mike runs his tongue along his bottom lip, tasting Harvey, trying to convince himself that it actually happened. Harvey remains mere inches from his face. "We're supposed to be taking things slow," Mike reminds.

"I can go slower than that," Harvey replies before closing what little distance remains and kissing him again. Mike leans into it this time and kisses back. Tongues flicking, exploring, brushing each other slowly and deliberately. Mouths and lips both hungry as they absorb one another. 

They're both breathing heavily when they break apart.

"Was that slow enough for you?" Harvey manages to ask.

Mike stares at him for a moment, eyes moving from lips back up to eyes, before rolling away from him and sitting up in the bed.

Concerned, Harvey follows suit, using his elbow to push his body up into an upright position. Mike looks sad all of a sudden. "Shit," Harvey says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. It's too much, too soon. I should have known better."

"It's not that."

Harvey's face scrunches in confusion. "Then what is it?"

"It's... _everything_. It was dinner and watching a movie with you and the way you look at me, and waking up next to you here in this bed again and now you're kissing me and it's just--I feel... _happy_. And I don't want you to take this all away from me again. I don't think I can do it again."

"I'm not taking anything away from you, Mike. Trust me."

Mike looks over at Harvey before looking back away and hanging his head.

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Harvey wishes he would have chosen something different. _Trust me_. Why the hell should Mike trust him? He'd lied over and over again, he withheld information, he did nothing but betray his trust most days and now he's asking him to trust him. And that's not even including all the ways he'd gotten physical with him or put him in situations that made him uncomfortable. The phrase seems so empty. 

And that hurts because there was a time he could have told Mike the sky was purple and he knows he would have gone along with it without so much as even looking up to see it for himself just because the words had come from his mouth. And now, it seems he can't even tell him that he won't do something that's going to hurt him again and have it come across as convincing.

"I know," Harvey shakes his head and lets out a small huff of humorless laughter, "I haven't exactly given you a real reason to trust me in a long time, and my word probably doesn't mean shit to you anymore. I definitely know I don't deserve to be asking anything of you, but--I am." Harvey reaches out and gently lays fingers under Mike's chin. He lifts it and guides it until Mike's teary eyes are locked with his. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not taking anything away from you. I want you in my life. I want this to be permanent. So, even though I don't deserve it, I want you--I _need_ you to take one more leap of faith and trust me on this."

It all sounds so good. It always does. Mike bites the inside of his cheek, a tactic to keep the tears threatening to spill at bay. He sucks in a breath and pushes it out slowly. "I trust you," he says. He's not sure if he's saying it for Harvey's benefit or his own, but it doesn't exactly feel like he's lying to either of them when he says it. He does trust Harvey. He always has. But there's been times when Harvey hasn't been Harvey, and _that's_ what he doesn't trust. 

Harvey uses his thumb to wipe away the lone tear that had spilled over and is running down his cheek. "It's going to be okay."

Mike sighs softly and Harvey removes his hand from his face before leaning forward and placing a kiss on his forehead. As Harvey starts to pull away, Mike stops him and reels him back, and kisses him. Soft. Slow. With purpose.

Harvey opens his eyes slowly and looks at him when they break apart. "So, to be clear, you are okay with the kissing?"

"Mmm, I am."

Mike moves back and lays back down flat against the pillows. 

"You want breakfast? Are you hungry at all? I could go make you something and bring it to you in bed."

"No," Mike hums, "I want you to lay here with me a little while longer."

"What about work?"

"We'll go in late. Or maybe not at all. Just lay down with me. Please?"

Harvey doesn't need much convincing beyond that. Mike rolls over on his side, and Harvey does the same, scooting forward until his body is pressed firmly against Mike's. He throws an arm around Mike and Mike grabs onto his hand and interlaces his fingers with Harvey's. 

A comfortable silence falls between them as they lay there wrapped up in each other. They bask in it through the rest of the morning, and its well into the afternoon before they finally untangle well-rested limbs and dare to crawl out from beneath the covers and face the rest of the day. 

\-----

The next few weeks are a bit strange to navigate. Work proves to be a bit tricky because they're both unsure of how to find that balance that they used to have between working on their own things and teaming up for certain cases. 

Mike doesn't want to seem like he's being clingy or pushy so he decides he'll let Harvey come to him and they can take it from there. 

Only Harvey doesn't come. Not the first day, not the first week and it starts to get a little disheartening because it feels like nothing has changed in that regard. Mike's doubts and insecurities set in and he thinks that maybe Harvey has found that he prefers working alone, or maybe he doesn't want to mix the relationship with work. Or maybe he does, but he's just not ready. 

He leaves all those feelings behind when he leaves the office for the day because when he's not at the office, Harvey doesn't ignore him at all. In fact, most evenings he finds himself at Harvey's place curled up on the couch with him and Harvey always suggests he just stay the night.

It's not too long before Mike is skipping the part where he goes back to his place and just goes straight back to Harvey's instead. 

\-----

During dinner one night Harvey casually brings up a case he's been working on.

"So you'll never guess who I had a meeting with today?"

Mike swallows the bite he was in the middle of chewing. "Who?"

"Chris Madden."

"The guy that always wants to high-five instead of shaking hands?"

"Yeah him."

"What'd he want?"

"His company is being sued for copyright infringement."

"And you're telling me this why?"

"Was wondering if you wanted to look into it?"

"Are you trying to pawn this thing off on me?"

"Well, actually, I kind of meant we could do it together."

"You could do that case in your sleep, what do you need me for?"

"I just thought it'd be fun to work together. Something easy to get the rust off."

"Okay, first of all, I don't have rust. Secondly, I didn't think you wanted to work together."

"What makes you think that?"

The question gets Mike a little worked up. "Gee Harvey, I don't know, maybe the fact that you still ignore me at work. If I didn't arrive in the same vehicle as you most days, I wouldn't even know you were in the goddamn building."

"Because I was trying to let you set the pace!" Harvey's tone comes across as a little harsher than he would like and he realizes it and immediately softens it, "You're already giving me so much of yourself by spending time with me here, I didn't want to push it by also asking you to spend time with me at work."

"Shit. Really? Because I think I was kind of doing the same thing with you."

Harvey lets out a little laugh at the misunderstanding. "That's probably something we should have talked about."

"If by probably you mean definitely, then yes."

"So now that we've worked it out, what do you say?"

"I mean, I'll have to do some digging to find my cape if we're going to be teaming up again."

"No digging required, your cape is right next to mine in the Batcave where you left it."

"Good," Mike smiles. "Anything else in there I can use? Smoke bombs? Maybe the Batarang?"

"For a copyright case? Not a chance."

"Blackmail? Extortion? Harassment? What case warrants the use of those?"

"Eat your dinner," Harvey orders. 

"I am," Mike says, holding his fork up to Harvey before stabbing a piece of meat onto it. "See?" he says before popping it into his mouth.

They finish their dinner and team up to tackle the dishes. They'd rock, paper, scissored to determine the roles, Mike won so he chose to do the drying. Harvey is perfectly okay with that. As he hands Mike another dish and watches as Mike takes it and dries it off while he rambles on about his day, Harvey can't fight back a smile. He feels so lucky to have Mike back after everything that had happened. 

They finish up the dishes and find their way under the blanket on the couch, bodies pressed up against each other. 

Harvey managed to finally convince Mike to watch Survivor with him. He presses play but quickly pauses it again. 

Mike looks over at him. "Please don't tell me you have to pee again."

"No."

"Jesus, then what is it? You look so serious all of a sudden."

"I just wanted to remind you that we have therapy on Monday and I want to make sure that you're still on board with going?"

"God, Harvey," Mike breathes a sigh of relief when those are the words that come out of his mouth. "That's what you looked so serious about? Of course I'm still on board."

"I also wanted to remind you that you need to be honest when you are there."

Mike scoffs, "You think I'm going there to lie?" 

"No. But I do think you'll be inclined to hold things back or maybe sugar coat them because you don't want to hurt my feelings, because that's just who you are as a person. But for us to work through this shit, I need you to be as honest as possible. Don't worry about me getting hurt. Holding things back will hurt us both worse in the end. You understand, right?"

"I do understand. I'm going to be honest." What Harvey is saying makes perfect sense and he agrees with it, but it also makes him nervous, because he doesn't want to hurt Harvey and he's terrified that something he says, even if truthful, will end up being the thing that is the catalyst for ruining everything between them again.

Harvey must sense the apprehension Mike is feeling because he throws his arm around his neck and gives him a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be fine. I promise. My therapist is good. She's easy to talk to. I really like her. And I think you will too, for what it's worth." 

Mike lets out a heavy sigh. "I hope so."

"Okay, now that we got that settled, are you ready for the greatest reality show of all time?"

"I can't believe that A.) you watch reality shows, and B.) you actually talked me into watching one with you."

"You're going to love it," Harvey says as he unpauses it.

-

They watch 3 episodes, and Harvey talks Mike into a 4th, and when that finishes, Mike turns off the tv because he's convinced that if he doesn't, they'll be watching episodes well into the morning.

"So, what did you think?" 

"It's... not as awful as I expected," Mike replies.

"Oh come on, you were loving it!" Harvey accuses.

Mike definitely enjoyed it more than he thought he would, and he thinks a large part of that is Harvey's enthusiasm for it. He loved listening to him commentate and react to things and watch how animated he got over certain things even though he knows Harvey had already seen the episode before. 

"Okay, it was pretty good," he admits, mostly just to give Harvey the validation he's looking for. Okay, and maybe he actually was getting into it. Just a little though.

"I knew you'd like it."

"Yeah, yeah, so you were maybe right about one thing. You know what I like even more than reality tv? Sleep. So can we please go do that now?"

"You head in and get changed awhile, I'll take care of things out there."

"Okay," Mike says as he fights a yawn. He peels himself from the couch and heads into the bedroom to get changed.

They're glad to have both been able to cut out the part of their routine where Mike talks about going home and Harvey pretends to have to convince him to just stay the night. He just stays now. It's starting to feel less like _Harvey's_ place again and more like _their_ place.

-

Once Harvey locks the door and turns out the lights, he joins Mike in the bedroom. He notices that Mike's already comfortably resting in the bed tucked beneath the covers mindlessly scrolling through his phone.

Harvey walks over to his dresser and grabs out a fresh t-shirt and pair of pajama pants. He looks over at Mike, who still has his eyes fixed on the phone in front of him, face lit up by the screen, and he decides to skip going into the bathroom and just change right where he is. 

He takes off his shirt and quickly pulls the new one onto his body, before stripping out of his pants and sliding the new pair on. He looks over at Mike, who is now looking at him instead of his phone. He hastily grabs the pile of dirty clothes and scoops them up before carrying them over and dumping them into the hamper. 

He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth. When he emerges, Mike has put his phone down and is just sitting up in the bed now. Harvey pads across the floor and climbs into bed. 

There are only the sounds of rustling blankets as Harvey shifts around until he finds a comfortable position. He takes off his watch and stretches over to lay it down on the nightstand. He glances over at Mike who is watching his every move.

"What is it?" Harvey finally asks.

"What is what?" 

"You have that look on your face where you look like you want to say something but you're only stopping yourself because you're not sure if you should say it."

"Nope. I'm just admiring you." 

Harvey raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "And you expect me to believe that?"

"Of course. Because it's the truth."

Harvey looks at him, tries to read the expression on his face. There's no obvious tells that he's doing anything but telling the truth. Then he smiles at Harvey and moves towards him and gives him a quick kiss and whispers "let's go to sleep," before moving back to his side of the bed and yanking the covers up to his neck. 

Harvey's okay with taking that at face value. He turns out his light and lays his head down on the pillow. A few short moments later, he feels Mike's leg being thrown over top of his own. 

He's told Mike that this thing was permanent and he is going to fight as hard as he has to in order to make that happen. Day by day, he's starting to think that he's actually going to be able to keep his word on that. He's starting to believe that this really can be permanent.

\-----

Their first therapy session goes well. Mike had spent the morning so nervous about it that he was starting to make himself sick. He'd imagined scenario after scenario of things going wrong and it turned out to be a complete disaster.

He realizes how ridiculous it all is once he's in that room about ten minutes into the session. Of course, they don't really delve into anything particularly deep on the first go-around. It seemed more about getting comfortable with one another, and maybe a little like he was being sussed out by the therapist. 

Harvey had told him to be honest and he was. Mike had promised he would be. Luckily, there wasn't anything that came up that put him in a position where he had to actively think about telling the truth.

-

Once the session is over they take a cab ride into work. Mike is quiet the whole ride and Harvey takes notice. "Everything okay? You haven't said a word since we got in the car."

"I'm okay. Just...thinking about things." 

"What did you think--, I mean, about therapy? Was it all right?"

"Yeah. Everything was fine. I like the therapist. It seemed different from the times I went on my own." 

"How so?"

"My therapist made me feel---" he bites his bottom lip as he searches for the right word, "cornered," he settles on.

"Then he probably wasn't the right therapist for you. You're not always going to get the right fit on your first try."

"You some kind of therapy expert now?"

"No. But I've learned a few things here and there. And that's one of them."

The conversation ends there as the car starts to slow as it pulls up along the curb. They both get out and head into the building. 

-

Mike spends the better part of the day in Harvey's office. He's slowly started to spend more time in there, even when he's busy working on his own things. Harvey never says anything about it and rather seems to enjoy having him there as much as Mike enjoys working from there. 

Things are starting to feel dangerously close to 'normal'. 

\-----

As therapy progresses, they start to touch on the real issues and that easy feeling that their first session together had given them starts to seem farther and farther away.

Some days the sessions are heavy, more often than not really, and sometimes they have to hit pause in the middle of them so they can take a break. It's Mike usually.

He will leave the room and go get a cup of water from the water cooler at the end of the hallway and sip it slowly in between deep breaths while he collects himself enough to be able to go back in and finish the session.

In listening to Harvey talk about Luke so openly, he realizes quickly that he had severely underestimated the lengths that Luke had gone to manipulate Harvey. It's not like he didn't have any idea, Harvey had shared quite a few things with him. Horrible, unimaginable things. But in therapy, Harvey's so much more detailed about everything. He explains them so vividly and in a way that's really able to highlight and help Mike understand the intricacies of the psychological abuse he had suffered at that monster's hands.

The more he talks about things the easier it gets to see just how Harvey was able to get so wrapped up in Luke. It's not to compare, because Harvey is _nothing_ like Luke, but when Harvey was at his worst, sometimes Mike felt himself getting wrapped up in him in a similar way. 

He remembers thinking many times while lying alone in his apartment drunk out of his mind that he wished Harvey had just hit him that night in the apartment. Because if he had hit him instead of the wall next to him then Harvey would have felt bad and they could have worked things out and he wouldn't have had to be pushed out of his life for over a year.

In hindsight, he doesn't think they would have worked things out, not in a healthy manner and it easily could have taken them down a much darker path, but the fact that he _knows_ he would have found a way to excuse that kind of behavior shows how easy it is to fall into something like that.

He doesn't ever share that particular thought in therapy. And honestly, he doesn't know if it's something he'll ever admit to anybody at any point. The best it can do is make Harvey feel justified in cutting him out of his life, the worst it can do is put the thought in his head that Mike is somehow comparing him to Luke. He's okay with keeping this one thought to himself. Everything else he'll be forthcoming about, but not this.

\-----

Mike wonders if he should ask Harvey if he can move back in. He goes there every night after work, and usually stays mid-day Saturday and then he goes back to his place, only to end back up at Harvey's Monday after work. He thinks he'll bring it up to him soon. In a few days. 

\----

Through therapy, Harvey starts to have his eyes opened to just how much Mike has suffered through all of this and to the traumas that he's had to experience. He's been forced to bottle up so much, for so long and now he's finally been given a safe space to let that all out.

It can be really hard to listen to at times, hearing all the ways that he failed Mike. Mike would never refer to the things that happened between them as Harvey failing him, he knows Harvey wasn't exactly operating with clarity most days, and that's true, to some degree, but Harvey knows he could have tried harder. He should have been better. 

One specific thing that Mike seems to carry a lot of hurt about is the way he had reacted or rather his lack of reaction to what Luke had done to him at the cabin. 

"He made me feel like it was my fault for going there. That I _deserved_ what happened to me," Mike tells the therapist.

Harvey's knee-jerk reaction is to defend himself but he refrains from doing it, instead just listening as Mike continues.

"I was so fucking scared. I didn't--I didn't think I was leaving there alive. I never thought I was going to see you again," Mike says, his voice wrought with emotion. He wipes his eyes that have started to blur with tears and takes a deep breath and turns to Harvey, "The worst part is...I still think you only think he hurt me because of the intentions I had gone there with."

That accusation hits Harvey like a ton of bricks. He locks eyes with Mike.

The therapist cuts through the silence that had befallen the room. "Is there any truth to that, Harvey?" 

He hates that there is. He hates that he'd told Mike to be honest because that's the only way this works and now he wants to do nothing more to lie.

"Harvey?" she says again.

"Isn't his refusal to answer at this point an answer in itself?" Mike says, wiping at his eyes before slumping back against. "It's fine, Harvey. I won't make you say it."

"I don't think you deserved what happened to you. It's horrible and I'm so sorry that you had to go through it," Harvey finally says, "but you're right, I'm still not entirely sure he would have ever harmed you if you didn't go there in the first place."

Mike wishes he wouldn't have said it. Wishes he wouldn't have brought it up in the first place.

"Why aren't you sure?" she asks.

"Because he always promised he wouldn't. And he seemed to have a...I don't know, a _fondness_ for Mike."

"A _fondness_? _That's _your fucking reasoning? Harvey, do you realize he said he _loved_ you, and look at what he did to you!" Mike snaps at him.__

____

"It's not like that. It's different. You were--" Harvey's not sure that if he should be telling him any of this, but decides to anyway, "his original target. I mean, making me suffer was always his main goal but he knew what you meant to me and he was going to take you and put you in that basement as a way of getting to me."

__

Mike's heart plummets in his chest. "W-what?"

__

"He said he ended up changing his mind because you didn't deserve something like that. I did."

__

"And when exactly were you planning on telling me this?!"

__

"I guess I wasn't."

__

Mike is struggling to wrap his mind around the new information and the fact that Harvey had kept it from him all this time. 

__

"He also wanted Sean," Harvey adds, because why the fuck not at this point. Might as well get it all out on the table. 

__

"What do you mean he 'wanted' Sean?" Mike asks even though he's not sure he wants the answer.

__

"You know that deal I made with Luke? The one where I went back with him for two weeks..."

__

"Of course I know. What about it?"

__

"Me going back to him wasn't the first offer on the table. He initially wanted Sean. For three months. And if I helped give Sean to him, he told me that he would leave me alone and I'd never have to see or deal with him ever again." Harvey drags a hand over his face. "He also brought up me giving him you. For 24 hours. But he knew that was never going to happen. I think he just said it to mess with my head." 

__

"I-I-what? I" Mike's breathing starts to get erratic. 

__

"Mike, why don't you take some slow breaths for me?" 

__

Mike knows somebody other than Harvey just said something to him but he couldn't for the life of him tell you who it was or what they said. All he can hear is the sound of his heart as it rapidly pounds against his chest.

__

"I-I-need to go. I need to get some air. Can-I-?" Not waiting for any kind of permission, he stands up and rushes towards the door, grabbing it by the handle and swinging it open so he can exit the room.

__

Harvey starts to stand up to follow him and the therapist suggests that he just sit down and urges Harvey to just give him some space. Harvey doesn't listen. Mike needs him. He gets up and hurries out of the room to find him. 

__

-

__

After a few wrong turns and dead ends, Harvey finally figures out where Mike had vanished to. He opens the door to the stairwell and heads up the steps. 

__

He finds him sitting up on the rooftop. He has his knees propped up and his arms latched in front of them as he rests his back against the brick wall behind him.

__

Harvey walks over and lowers himself until he's sitting on the ground next to him. "You okay?"

__

"Yeah."

__

"Panic attack?" Harvey asks.

__

"Almost. I got it under control before it could get out of hand."

__

"Good," Harvey says. A few seconds later, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you those things until now."

__

"I understand why you didn't. I mean...look at me."

They sit there in silence for a long while. The sun is warm and there's a gentle breeze blowing through and it's a nice spot to enjoy both of those things.

__

"Did you ever consider it?"

__

"Giving Sean to him? No. Never. I could never put another person through something like that."

__

Mike nods his head. He never doubted for a second that would be his answer. But there's still something satisfying in the confirmation.

__

There's another long bout of silence before Harvey says, "You know, we're kind of fucked up, right?"

__

The bluntness of it makes Mike laugh a little. He turns his head to look at Harvey who has a small smirk on his face. "Yeah, I guess we kind of are," he agrees before reaching his hand over and putting in Harvey's. "We should probably go back in there, huh?"

__

"Yeah. Probably."

__

Mike gets up off the ground and then helps pull Harvey up. There are only a few minutes left when they return to their session, not enough for any kind of resolution, but because she had a cancellation she allows them to extend their session.

__

They delve into the _why_ of Harvey's reasoning for him still believing that Luke wouldn't have ever harmed Mike. It mostly comes down to Harvey still needing to believe that Luke had some good in him somewhere. That he could keep _one_ goddamn promise to him, arguably the one that meant the most to him. Harvey had agreed to do things, awful things in order to make sure that promise was continuing to be kept.

__

If he did those things for no reason, if the promise meant absolutely fucking nothing at all, what does that make him for agreeing to do those things? What does it make him for allowing Luke to use him however he wanted? He questions it out loud.

__

"It makes you somebody who wanted to survive," she tells him. 

__

She's not wrong, he did want to survive. But there are still days where he's not entirely convinced that he's survived anything at all. 

Harvey is also sure to make it clear to Mike that just because he doesn't know if Luke would have ever hurt him if he hadn't been provoked, the fact is that it doesn't matter because he _did_ hurt him, and he's sorry for ever making him feel like it was something that he deserved or that he didn't care about what he went through and how much that affected him and especially for not being there for him in the way he needed and deserved. He doesn't bother saying that he would take it back if he could or fix it; Mike knows that by now and it's senseless to talk about things that are impossible. All he can do is promise to be there now for him and be better moving forward. 

__

\-----

__

The next few weeks after that go pretty smoothly, all things considered. On top of his therapy sessions with Harvey, Mike starts going to individual sessions as well. He realizes that there's a lot of things that he's kept bottled up for a long time and they need to be addressed if he truly wants to heal from things and give himself the best chance at happiness. 

__

Not just things with Harvey either, but things from way before Harvey was ever in his life, things from way back in his childhood. Starting with his parent's death and the domino effect that had on his life. 

__

\-----

__

Work had been good, they'd had the opportunity to work several cases together, and they'd always been a well-oiled machine together. 

__

They had just closed a case recently, and Mike decided to reward himself by deciding to dive head-first into a pro bono. 

__

And now because of that pro bono, Mike was stuck in a file room at 6 PM on a Friday going through an insurmountable mountain of files trying to find the one document that he needs that can corroborate his client's story. 

__

Mike is sitting on the floor in the corner of the room with a stack of files on his lap and surrounding him when Harvey peaks his head in the door.

__

"There you are," Harvey says as he steps into the room. "What are you doing?"

__

"Looking for a needle in a...stack of needles."

__

"You need help?"

__

"No. I'll find what I'm looking for."

__

Harvey looks around at all the folders scattered around that Mike must have already gone through. "I don't doubt that. Uh, so, I take it you aren't coming home right now?"

__

"No. I just need a little more time."

__

"I know you said you don't need any help but are you sure?"

__

"I'm sure."

__

"Well, do you want me to wait here for you? I could just sit here and watch you using that big brain of yours. Maybe get some of that shitty popcorn that's always stale from the vending machine. You know how I like to spectate."

__

"Funny. But no, you're completely off the hook."

__

"Don't say I didn't offer. How late do you think you'll be?"

__

"Psshhh," Mike blows out a breath and looks around at all the files he's yet to go through. "Another hour. Maybe two at the most. Depends on if I get lucky or not."

__

"Okay. If you're still sure you don't want any help whatsoever, I'm going to head out. Maybe go get a load of laundry started and take a shower."

__

"Oh! If you do laundry can you make sure you throw in that grey hoodie of mine?"

__

"The one that you constantly throw over the back of the chair like it's a coat rack?"

__

"That would be the one."

__

"Yeah, I can do that. Anything else?"

__

"Nope, that's it. Thank you."

__

"No problem. I'll see you when you get back home."

__

_Home_. Mike gets caught on the word. He's still not managed to work up the nerve to bring up the subject of moving back in. He's pretty sure the waiting to do it and all the overthinking about doing that he has allotted himself has made it a way bigger issue than it ever actually was. He's not sure why Harvey would say no to it. They're practically already moved in together and it's been that way for a while now. And Harvey just called it home for fuck's sake. Still, he doesn't say anything. It's not the time or place. But soon.

__

"All right, I'll see you in a little bit. Text me when you get back so I know you made it safely.

__

"I will."

__

-  
Harvey decides to stop at the grocery store on the way home. He figures since Mike will still be gone another hour or so, it will give him plenty of time to cook dinner. Mike has really been putting in a lot of effort with therapy and knows it's hard to both talk and hear about things that are hard for him. On top of that, he's been working hard and deserves something nice. 

__

Harvey browses through the aisles, grabbing the things he needs to make dinner, as well as things he definitely doesn't need, like peanut butter cups, Doritos, and the cereal with the marshmallows that Mike loves but doesn't buy too often because he knows that he's being judged by Harvey every time he eats it. 

__

-

__

Harvey texts Mike when he gets back from the store before he starts putting all the things he'd bought away in an attempt to figure out how to time dinner so it'd be ready when Mike was walking through the door.

__

Mike says it will probably be another half-hour. That works perfectly. He tells him he'll see him when he gets back and then he gets busy putting things away and getting out the dishes he'll need to cook dinner.

__

Harvey had settled on steaks for dinner. It's something you can never go wrong with. And while he'd usually do some kind of roasted vegetable with it to balance the meal, he instead decides to pick up the mac and cheese that comes in the blue box and only costs a dollar and some change. It's almost criminal, but he knows it's something unexpected that Mike will be more than thrilled about. 

__

-

__

"Wow. Smells good in here," Mike says the second he steps through the door. Harvey can hear him making his way inside and the sound of his keys being tossed into the little ceramic dish that sits on the table in the hallway. 

__

Harvey had just finished plating the food and is carrying the plates over to the dinner table. He breezes past Mike on his way there, "Are you hungry? Go wash your hands," Harvey says.

__

"You cooked dinner?" Mike replies. Harvey doesn't say anything back, so Mike starts to free his arms from the sleeves of his jacket. He folds it over and tosses it onto one of the barstools in the kitchen. 

__

He heads to the sink and washes his hands thoroughly. He dries them off with a dishtowel and then heads over to the dinner table to see what Harvey cooked up. 

__

"Sit," Harvey says as he pulls out the chair for Mike. Mike sits down. He observes the plate in front of him.

__

"Woah. Is that Kraft?" 

__

"It is." Harvey sits down in his chair. 

__

"Are you feeling okay? Am _I_ feeling okay?" Mike says as he places the back of his hand on his forehead as if to check his temperature.

__

"We're both fine. I just thought it'd be nice if you got to come home to a nice cooked meal. And to be clear when I say nice I'm referring to the steak, not the abomination that involves powdered cheese and half a ton of butter."

__

"I feel like you're severely underestimating the magic of powdered cheese."

__

"No, I think I'm estimating it perfectly."

__

Mike doesn't waste any time, picking up his fork and stabbing a few noodles onto it, and shoving them into his mouth. "Mmm," he moans.

__

Harvey makes an exaggerated face of disgust. "Do you need a moment alone with it?"

__

"Come on, it's so good. Try yours!"

__

Harvey had put the tiniest amount on his plate. "I'm okay."

__

"Harvey," Mike whines. 

__

"Fine," Harvey says. He picks up his fork and collects a few noodles on it and takes a bite. He chews a few times before finally swallowing.

__

"Well?"

__

"It's not...awful."

__

"You like it, don't you? I knew you would."

__

"I wouldn't say like, but for being a total culinary abomination, it's not bad." 

__

"Oh geez," Mike says with an eye-roll before taking another bite of his own. "You're so dramatic."

__

"Says you. Hey, did you end up finding your needle?"

__

"I did. Would have been faster if somebody had helped me."

__

"I offered to help you! Multiple times!"

__

Mike laughs. "I'm kidding. Thanks for cooking dinner. I appreciate it."

__

"Happy to do it."

__

The dinner conversation goes particularly well. They're both in really good moods and there's lots of laughter echoing through the apartment. It's nice to have that here again. 

__

-

__

After dinner is finished, Harvey starts to clean up the dishes in the kitchen while Mike switches the load of laundry Harvey had thrown in earlier into the dryer. He sees the grey hoodie he had asked Harvey to throw in for him in there along with a few more of his things. It makes him smile to himself. 

__

-

__

They finish up with their assigned tasks and find their way to the living room and reunite on the couch.

__

They don't turn the tv on right away, instead choosing to take a few moments to just relax and unwind. 

__

It starts with a look. And then a hand on a thigh and it spirals into their mouths crashing together hard, and Mike climbing on Harvey's lap and straddling him. Harvey places his hand on Mike's head, holds him steady, takes control of his mouth, tongue thrusting deep into his mouth. 

__

Mike softly places a hand on Harvey's chest, pushes away from him, puts just enough distance between them to whisper "I want you to fuck me," against Harvey's lips. 

__

Harvey gets rid of the distance, kissing him and gently nipping at Mike's lip, and drawing a soft moan from him. "Bedroom," he tells him.

__

Mike immediately climbs off of him and they both scramble to the bedroom, neither wanting to give themselves time to think too hard about anything. 

__

Mike is already out of his shirt before Harvey even has time to undo the first button of his. Mike moves in close to him, presses his body against Harvey, and helps undo the buttons in between kisses.

Once they're all undone, he tugs at the sleeves and slides the shirt free from his body, allowing it to fall softly into a crumpled pile on the ground. 

__

Harvey kisses Mike, this time it's not as heated as their kisses up until this point had been. It's deliberately slow. Mike closes his eyes and savors every second of it. When he opens his eyes again, Harvey is looking right at him. "Finish getting undressed and get on the bed," he says. 

__

Mike does exactly as he's told, and just watching him strip out of his clothes and climb onto the bed has Harvey's dick already straining against his pants. He finishes undoing his belt and frees himself of the rest of his clothes.

__

Harvey walks over to the nightstand and opens the top drawer, grabs the bottle of lube, and closes the drawer before crawling up onto the bed and joining Mike, who is now laying down with his head propped up with a pillow. He immediately spreads his legs to make room for Harvey between them when he gets close.

__

Harvey tries to take things slow. He trails kisses and lets fingers roam up and down and all over the porcelain skin of Mike's body and Mike alternates between full-body shudders and small moans. 

__

As much as Mike would like for Harvey to keep doing what he's doing, his dick is so hard that it's bordering on painful and he wants something more than just kissing. 

__

Harvey takes a hold of Mike's dick and gives it a few soft strokes.

__

"Fuck, Harvey."

__

Harvey then proceeds to replace his hand with his mouth. Running his tongue along the underside of his shaft.

__

"No, no, no, stop," Mike pleads.

__

Harvey quickly moves his mouth away from Mike and looks at him with panic on his face, like he had done something terribly wrong again. Mike is fast to realize how what he said and how he said it could be misinterpreted. "No. Not like that. It's just--if you do that I'm going to come. I don't want to come yet."

__

Harvey seems a little hesitant to continue, but Mike kisses it away, tells him he's okay, assures him that he wants this, and is able to get things back on track.

__

Harvey reaches over and picks up the bottle of lube. He flips open the top and generously coats his index finger, before tossing the bottle back beside them on the bed. 

__

He reaches down and presses the pad of his lubed finger against Mike's entrance. He doesn't press in just yet, just circles it, letting Mike get used to things before finally starting to press in. He's so tight, and even going slowly Harvey feels like he's forcing it a little. "Is that okay? I'm not hurting you, am I?" he asks Mike, wanting to make sure he is completely comfortable with everything that is happening.

__

"It's more than okay. Keep going."

__

He slowly works the finger in and out of Mike, and then adds a little more lube, just to be sure, before adding a second finger into the mix. Harvey continues to move slowly, skillfully twisting and scissoring fingers wanting to make sure he's stretched out enough before taking this thing any farther. 

__

Harvey may be wanting to take things slow, but Mike is practically fucking himself against his fingers now, desperate and searching for something more. Harvey is almost positive that Mike could come just like this, with only his fingers inside him, but he knows that's not really what either of them wants.

__

Mike reaches up and places a hand on the back of Harvey's neck and pulls him down to meet his lips. "Harvey," he breathes against him. "I need--"

__

"Be specific," Harvey says. "Tell me what you need." Harvey knows. He just wants to hear him say it.

__

"I need you to fuck me. I want your dick in my ass."

__

There's something about the contrast of filthy words coming out of a mouth connected to such an innocent-looking face that hits all the right buttons for Harvey. He immediately lifts himself off of Mike far enough that he can reach the bottle of lube again. This time he squeezes some directly onto his dick, using his hand to make sure it's well-coated. Even the sensation of his own hand on his dick right now is almost too much to handle. He doesn't foresee himself being able to last very long, but he certainly plans to make the most of the time he has.

__

He quickly gets himself into position and lines his dick up against Mike's hole before slowly beginning to push in. Despite the preparation he'd given Mike, he's still unbelievably tight. Harvey stills himself. "I need you to relax for me, Mike."

__

Harvey makes him realize that he'd unknowingly been tensing. He takes a deep breath and allows his body to relax. Harvey gives him a moment to get where he needs to be and Mike gives him a nod when he's ready to continue. Harvey nods back and then continues pushing into him until he's made it past the tight ring of muscle. He doesn't stop pushing in until he's buried deep all the way inside him.

__

Harvey starts to move in and out and finds a rhythm and hits his prostate at an angle that completely destroys Mike's vocabulary, reducing it to nothing but _oh god_ 's, _fuck_ , and Harvey's name spilling off his tongue.

__

Harvey's vocabulary on the other hand consists of something a little different. "Good boy." "You're doing so good." "You're so fucking beautiful." "Look how perfect you are." "I love you." The last one kind of slips out as he gets caught up in the moment. Mike has his eyes closed and is biting his bottom lip hard as Harvey thrusts hard into him and he's pretty sure Mike isn't hearing a single word he's saying.

__

Harvey knows he isn't going to last very much longer, and honestly, he's surprised he's lasted as long as he did, but before he comes he wants to make sure Mike gets off first. 

__

"I want you to be a good boy and come for me," he tells Mike as he wraps fingers around his cock and starts to stroke him. The sharp inhale of shuddering breath escapes Mike in something that sounds like a desperate moan.

__

He times his strokes with his thrusts and it only takes a handful of them before Mike is throwing his head back and gripping fistfuls of bedsheets and crying out Harvey's name as he climaxes. 

__

The sensation of Mike's ass clenching around Harvey's dick as he orgasms is enough to unravel Harvey the rest of the way. 

__

"Fuck," he groans, as he comes inside Mike. He stays there for a moment, Mike's ass is still contracting around his dick, seemingly miking every last bit of come from him. He takes a moment to catch his breath before collapsing on top of Mike, pressing a kiss to his lips and carefully slipping his dick out of him and rolling over to his back and laying beside him.

__

The only sound in the room for a while is their heavy breathing.

__

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," Mike finally says before rolling out of the bed. 

__

Those weren't quite the first post-coital words Harvey thought he'd hear from Mike, but Mike is already gone and in the bathroom, before he has time to even think to say anything. 

__

-

__

Mike is in the bathroom long enough for Harvey to start overanalyzing everything. Was Mike not enjoying it as much as he thought he was? Did he not like that he came inside him? Is he regretting doing it at all? Did sex with him stir up other emotions?

__

Harvey decides to derail that train of thought momentarily. He gets out of bed, and grabs a packet of wipes from the dresser drawer, and uses them to clean himself up. He puts his boxers back on and slips on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt before going back to the bed. He can see they've made a bit of a mess of the sheets, so he decides to strip the bed and put a fresh set of linens on it. 

__

He's just finishing up and crawling into bed when Mike appears from the bathroom. He walks over to his dresser and pulls out a fresh pair of boxers and a pair of sweats and changes into him. He doesn't bother with a shirt. He walks over and crawls back into the bed, scooting his body next to Harvey's.

__

"Everything okay?" Harvey asks. "You were in there a while."

__

"Everything's okay. I was just getting cleaned up. And also I hate changing bed sheets, so I was kind of hoping you'd do that while I was in there. Which," Mike gestures to the fresh sheets on the bed, "I see worked." 

__

The truth is, the sex had left Mike feeling a little overwhelmed and he needed a moment to himself. Feeling _connected_ with Harvey in this way and the way Harvey had spoken to him and made sure he was doing okay and kept checking to make sure that he was comfortable felt like such a long way from the time Harvey had put a hand around his throat during sex and made him feel like he needed a safe word.

__

Mike can see that his answer didn't do much in the way of convincing Harvey. "It was perfect, Harvey," he says before resting his head against Harvey's shoulder.

__

"Okay. Good," he says, letting out a sigh of relief. 

__

Mike fights back a yawn as he snuggles in closer to Harvey.

__

"You ready for bed?"

__

"Beyond. It's been a long day. A good one though."

__

"It has," Harvey agrees. "Why don't you stay here and keep the bed warm while I go take my meds and shut things down for the night?"

__

Mike lifts his head off of Harvey's shoulder so he's able to move. "I don't oppose that idea at all."

__

Harvey starts to move from the bed, and Mike grabs his arm and pulls him back for a kiss that he feels him smile into. 

__

-

__

When Harvey gets back to the room, he sees that Mike's light is already off and he's curled up on his side. He couldn't have been gone more than ten minutes but as he approaches the bed he sees that Mike's eyes are already closed. Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he was tired. 

__

Harvey climbs into bed being careful not to disturb him. He turns his light off and starts to close his eyes.

__

Today really was a good day. He doesn't think there's any way it could possibly get better. 

__

And then Mike moves in his sleep and his head finds it's way to Harvey's chest and now he _knows_ it can't get better.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, it's been so long. life has been killing me. one more chapter to go and this should be wrapped up and then there will be the alternate (dark) ending coming after that.


	58. [happy ending 4/4]

Mike wakes up in bed alone. Wonders for a brief moment if maybe yesterday was a dream he had rather than something that had been real. He stretches his arms over his head and drags himself out from beneath the covers. A few steps and he realizes that, that despite the cloying gentleness of it all, he's a little sore today. Confirmation of the validity of last night if nothing else. 

He pads barefoot into the bathroom and takes a piss before washing his hands and brushing his teeth. Afterward, he checks his wrist for the time, a deciding factor in whether or not he should get dressed yet. It's getting kind of late, so he decides to throw on his suit. 

He can smell the scent of coffee getting stronger the closer he gets to the kitchen. Harvey is leaning against the kitchen counter, his face is hidden behind a newspaper. When he hears Mike approaching he lowers the paper. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Hey," Mike replies, still not quite awake. He rubs his eyes and slides up onto a barstool. "Why'd you let me sleep so late?"

Harvey shrugs. "Figured you needed it," he says before turning around and walking over to the counter by the stove and coming back with a mug in his hand. "Figured you would need this too," he says as he places it down in front of Mike. "Two sugars, splash of milk."

Mike immediately wraps his hands around the cup and takes a whiff of it. "You're the absolute best," he says.

"I know," Harvey replies.

"I was talking to the coffee."

"Okay, fine, be that way. There was also a bagel in it for you but--"

"Okay, okay, you're the best, Harvey," Mike resigns. "But you're still better," he whispers to his coffee when Harvey turns his back.

Harvey grabs the brown paper bag sitting on the counter behind him and plops it down in front of Mike. 

Mike opens the bag and peaks inside. "Blueberry?"

"Yep."

"Thanks, Harvey." Mike rolls the bag back down. He'll get to that once he has some coffee pumping through his system.

"You're welcome."

While Mike is at the beginning of his coffee, Harvey is nearing the bottom of his thanks to a hefty headstart. He tilts the mug up and gets the last drop out before carrying the now empty mug over to the kitchen sink. He rolls up his sleeves and turns on the hot water before thoroughly washing it out, turning off the water, and sticking it in the rack next to the sink to dry. 

"Can I move back in?" 

Harvey has his back towards Mike, drying his hands off with a dishtowel. He doesn't answer right away, seemingly considering the question before finally saying "We can talk about it."

"You don't want me to," Mike concludes because that is exactly how it sounds.

"It's not that," Harvey says.

"Then what is it? I'm here almost all the time as is. It doesn't make sense for me to keep paying for a place I only spend a handful of hours at a week."

"I just think we should maybe just give it a little more time. We were supposed to be taking all of this slow if you remember correctly."

"You've got to be _fucking_ kidding me. You just had your dick in my ass last night and you want to suddenly talk about taking things _slow_?" Mike had thought them moving back in together was a no-brainer at this point, so for Harvey to be suddenly pumping the brakes and talking about _slow_ again is incredibly hurtful.

"I didn't say no, Mike. I just said--"

Mike slides off his chair. "You know what? Forget I said anything about it. How about you just let me know when you decide that I'm good enough to be allowed to live with you again or tell me what it is that I still need to do, okay?" He grabs his coffee cup and walks over to the sink and dumps it down the drain, before dropping the cup into the sink, the sound of ceramic bouncing off of stainless steel making Harvey flinch.

Mike brushes past Harvey on his way out of the kitchen. He disappears momentarily and comes back with his jacket on. 

"Mike," Harvey says his name like it's something more than just a name; an apology or a plea to stay.

"I'm going to work early. I have papers I need to get filed before noon."

"Are you mad at me now?"

"No. It's _your_ house, Harvey. Therefore _you_ get to decide who lives here and who doesn't. I gotta go," Mike says before heading towards the door. 

"What about your bagel? You should eat something," Harvey says to him.

"I'm not hungry anymore," Mike voice echos down the hall before he slams the door shut behind him.

"That went well," Harvey says sarcastically to himself. He wishes Mike had held off on that question for just a little longer, but if nothing else he now has the confirmation that Mike wants to move back in. Harvey hadn't exactly thought otherwise, but he had expected Mike to bring it up much, much sooner and because he didn't it had cast some doubt in the back corners of Harvey's mind. 

-

Harvey seeks Mike out as soon as he gets to work. He finds him back in his own office, eyes focused so hard on the computer in front of him that he doesn't even notice that he's come into his office until he's standing right in front of the desk. 

"Harvey," Mike acknowledges him, "what do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you about this morning."

"I told you to forget I asked. There's nothing to talk about."

"You can move in if you want." 

Mike looks up at Harvey and shakes his head in disbelief. "I can move in...if I _want_? Could you possibly sound like there's anything you want _less_ in the world?"

"Stop. I do want it. It's just--"

Mike's phone rings. "Shhh...hold up. I need to take this," he says holding up his hand to stop Harvey from talking anymore. He picks up the phone, "Hello?"

The phone call sounds important so Harvey stays quiet and paces the floor of the room while Mike talks, picking up the nameplate he had gotten Mike and running his fingers along it recalling how much of a pain in the ass it had been to get that thing custom made last minute. 

Mike ends the phone call with "I'll be there as soon as possible." He's already halfway out of his chair and throwing his suit jacket on mere seconds after he'd hung up the phone.

"You going somewhere?"

"Yeah. I have to go meet someone," Mike says as he walks past Harvey. He stops at the door and turns around. "Look Harvey, obviously there is some reason you don't want me to move in--"

"Mike, I told you it's not--"

"Let me finish. I'm happy with the way things are right now and if me moving in is something that is going to change that, then I don't want it. I don't want you to feel like you have to say yes to me just because you feel bad telling me no. I want it to be something you really want, so please just give yourself time to actually think about it before you make a final decision and I promise I will be okay with whatever you decide. Okay?"

"Okay," Harvey agrees.

Mike gives him a little nod. "Is it okay if I swing by your office when I'm done with this?"

"More than okay."

"All right, I gotta run before I'm late," he says as he turns back towards the door.

"Mike?" Harvey says as Mike's halfway out the door.

He quickly snaps back around "What?"

"Do you need your briefcase?"

"Shit," Mike runs back into the room and rushes over to grab his briefcase, which he does in fact need, as he breezes back through the room he pauses at Harvey to give him a quick kiss. "Thanks," he says before rushing back out the door.

\-----

Neither of them brings up the topic of moving again, but they can also count on one hand, two fingers more specifically how many times he's stayed at his own place over the past few weeks.

\-----

Harvey has a nightmare. It's not bad. Mike is still sleeping peacefully next to him when Harvey looks over at him while he tries to combat his racing heart with calculated breaths. He slips his hand into Mike's and closes his eyes, reminds himself where he is and who he's with and that everything is okay.

He's able to fall back asleep, but the nightmare stirred enough memories up that he feels like shit the rest of the day. He's short with Mike, he's snappy with clients, and the day ends with him completely breaking down at home in the bathroom. 

Mike is in the bedroom looking for a t-shirt to change into when he happens to hear heavy sobs coming from the bathroom.

He knocks on the door. No answer. He knocks again and there's still not an answer. "Harvey?" he says softly before checking the door. It's not locked. "I'm going to come in if that's okay?"

Mike takes the non-answer as permission and slowly starts to push the door open. Harvey is sitting on the floor, knees pulled tight to his chest. Eyes are red-rimmed and tear-stained and puffy from crying.

"What's wrong?" Mike asks, swiftly moving in and kneeling in front of him.

Harvey can only shake his head, unable to trust his voice to be able to say anything remotely intelligible. 

Mike sits down next to him and throws an arm over his shoulder and leans his head against him. "It's okay."

It's such a simple gesture but it's so comforting and Mike's always so fucking sweet and good to him that Harvey almost starts crying again. He's pretty sure he only doesn't because he doesn't have any tears left. 

Mike just sits there with him. He doesn't say anything, just stays with him until Harvey starts to push himself up off of the floor and extends his hand to help Mike up.

"You good?" Mike asks when he's upright and face to face with Harvey.

"I am."

The rest of the evening goes smoothly. They talk, they laugh and the bad day was just that, a bad day. It doesn't get to turn into a bad week or a bad month the way it used to.

\-----

"Are you sure you don't want to do anything or go anywhere for your birthday?" Harvey asks as he slides a waffle onto a plate and sets it down in front of Mike.

Mike picks up the bottle of syrup and drowns the waffle with it. "Nah," he says as he plops the bottle down with a thud and licks the syrup from his fingers. 

"We could go to a tropical beach somewhere. Warm sunshine, toes in the sand, speedos."

"Is it you or me wearing the speedo? Because if it's you I think you might have found the thing that can talk me into it."

"We can get matching ones."

"Mmm...tempting. But no, I still think I'll pass. I just want things to be lowkey."

"You are no fun."

"If it's any consolation, you're still welcome to wear the speedo if you want."

"I'll think about it. I just feel bad not doing anything for you. I could do a surprise party."

"First of all, it's not a surprise party if you tell the person you're planning one. Secondly, _please_ don't attempt a surprise party." Mike stabs a bite of waffle with his fork and shoves it in his mouth. He chews a few bites and swallows. "I just want to hang with you on the couch, clog my arteries with takeout food, and watch Survivor." 

Harvey is still all too thrilled with himself for getting Mike hooked on Survivor. "Are you absolutely positive?"

"I'm sure. And please don't get me an expensive present either because you think you have to overcompensate for not doing anything elaborate for me."

"No tropical vacation. No party. No presents. You really know how to suck the fun out of a room, don't you?"

Mike shrugs and takes another bite. 

"What about a birthday cake?" 

They both look at each other. 

"Ice cream cake," they say in unison. 

\-----

Mike's birthday morning starts with kisses from Harvey; slow and languid, soft touches all over his body, delicate brush strokes on a cotton canvas. Harvey uses his mouth, hands, and words to strategically take Mike apart little by little. 

He tries to talk Mike into taking the day off. "You've more than earned a day off," Harvey says as he slides Mike's boxers and pajama pants down to his knees, Mike uses his feet to kick them the rest of the way off. "I wish I could but I literally have so much to-- _god_ ," Mike moans as Harvey places his mouth around his cock and gently sucks. 

Harvey pulls off with a soft suction. "Sorry, what is it you were saying?"

"Just. Um. That. Keep doing that."

Harvey grins and wets his lips before carefully sliding down on Mike's cock and sucking hard. Mike moans and screws his eyes shut as he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. 

Harvey takes Mike farther and farther into his mouth until his dick bumps the back of his throat and he's forced to swallow around it. 

He continues to suck him deep, drawing up to the head of his cock to lick at his frenulum and slit expertly before slowly, sinking back down only using his tongue until Mike is reduced to nothing more than bitten off sighs and groans and the beginnings of words and Harvey's name. 

"Harvey," Mike tries to say something more but the words catch in his throat and turn into a wordless gap. He tries once more. "Harvey."

Harvey knows what Mike is getting at and he's prepared, pulling back as Mike starts to come. He allows a little bit of it to hit his tongue before he pulls off entirely and moves one hand to his cock to stroke him through it.

As Mike lay there waiting for his body to settle and his breathing to regulate he feels Harvey settle in next to him. 

"Do you, um, need to me to...do anything..you know, for you?" Mike asks, sounding rather bashful.

"I'm okay." Harvey's dick is half-hard and he can feel the dampness of precum that's leaked, but he figures he can take care of that himself. 

"You sure?"

"I am."

They continue to lay in bed, wrapped up in one another. The longer they stay that way the harder it is and the less they feel like untangling limbs and facing the world outside of the bedroom.

Unfortunately, Mike wasn't lying when he said he had work to do, so staying home is truly not a viable option. He's the first to move and Harvey groans in protest when he does so. 

"Do you want the shower first?"

"It's all yours."

Mike doesn't give him an opportunity to change his mind and wastes no time in heading into the bathroom. 

Once Harvey hears the shower start to run and the glass door slides open and then shut, he pulls his boxers down, springing his dick free, and wraps his hand around it to finally relieve himself. It only takes the thought of Mike in his head, the way he had moaned his name earlier and a few quick strokes and he's coming while biting down on his lip in an attempt to remain as quiet as possible.

He wrings every last drop out of himself, his strokes getting more careless towards the end. When all is said and done he's made both a mess of himself and the bedsheets.

He gives himself a few minutes to catch his breath before getting out of bed and cleaning himself up and then stripping the sheets from the bed and tossing them in the washer. 

He's in the middle of placing fresh linens on the bed when Mike emerges from the bathroom, freshly showered, dressed, and looking as handsome as ever. He offers to take over so Harvey can get his shower and they can make it to work before noon, and that is part of the reason, the other part is that he knows how frustrated Harvey always ends up when dealing with fitted bedsheets. 

-

Mike wishes he had a more interesting workload for the day, but he doesn't, and most of the day is going to be spent stuck behind a computer screen. It's a computer screen in Harvey's office which makes it slightly better, but Harvey is in and out of the office all day long, so it ends up not making much of a difference in the end.

-

It's mid-afternoon when Mike is startled by a rather heavy gift bag being dropped directly on his lap, nearly knocking his laptop to the ground. He has his headphones in and was so focused on the screen in front of him that he hadn't even seen anybody come in.

"Happy birthday," Donna says to him.

Mike removes the earbuds from his ears. "What is this?" 

"Looks like a gift bag to me." She tilts her head, "Why? What does it look like to you?"

"I mean, I get that. It's just--you didn't have to get me anything, is all."

"And I know that. But I wanted to. Now, are you going to open it or not?"

Mike moves his laptop out of the way to give himself some space before reaching into the bag. He removes fistfuls of brightly colored tissue paper until he reaches a large box at the bottom of the bag. He uses both hands to wriggle it free. 

"Woah, are you serious? This is awesome," he exclaims excitedly upon seeing that Donna had gotten him an ice cream maker. 

"You like it?"

"Are you kidding? I love it," Mike jumps up to his feet and wraps his arms around her. "Thank you!"

"Just promise me that you'll make me something with it."

"I promise."

Mike picks up the box again so he can examine it more thoroughly. As he's doing that, Harvey comes back to the office. "What's going on in here?" he asks when he steps inside.

"Oh, nothing. Just that Donna got me an ice cream maker!"

"So I guess I'll know who to blame when I see you eating ice cream for breakfast then, right?"

"Oh, let him enjoy it while he can. When he gets to be your age then you can teach him all the joys of cereal with fiber in it."

"My age? How old are you again?"

"First of all, you're never supposed to ask a lady her age. Secondly, I've got to go. I have things to do. Really important ones."

"I'm sure," Harvey replies.

"Happy birthday again, Mike," Donna says as she nudges his arm. "Let me know when you've mastered making the ice cream so I can swing by for mine."

"Will do. Thanks, Donna," Mike smiles.

"You're welcome. I'll see you guys around," she says before shuffling out the door and down the hallway. 

"Bye Donna," they both say at approximately the same time.

Harvey notices Mike still smiling as he looks at the box. "You look happy."

Mike's eyes dart to him. "And you look...frustrated. What's wrong?"

Harvey throws himself into the chair behind his desk and huffs. "It's nothing. Just went all the way across town only to find out that an offer I thought was going to wrap things up is being rescinded based on some new-found bullshit. So now I have to figure out a way to either work out a better offer or take the same offer and wrap it up in different paper and pretty bow and see if I can get them to re-agree to it."

"You got papers that I can take a look at and see if I can help you re-gift this thing?"

"I do. But aren't you busy with your own thing? I didn't tell you that so that you'd put my thing over yours."

"I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Show me what you have."

Harvey finds the folder on his desk and holds it out for Mike. "Okay, smart guy, let's see what you can do."

Mike sits back down in the chair, crossing his legs at the ankles, and starts to go through the files. It might not be the most exciting case in the world, but he's happy to give his eyes a break from the computer screen to do something for Harvey.

As a bonus, he's always loved how impressed Harvey is when he's able to find the solution to one of his problems. Even with just a glance over things, he thinks he's going to be able to help figure this out for him.

\-----

Mike already has his tie halfway off when they walk through the front door. They had stayed much later than originally intended, but they had left with the results they had sought after. The way Harvey had smiled after things had clicked with Mike and he explained his idea alone made it more than worth it.

But now they're back at Harvey's and they want out of their suits and to forget about all things work. They want to change into comfy clothes and eat takeout and spend the rest of the night on the couch doing nothing; all the things Mike had asked for on his birthday.

Mike practically sprints to the bedroom to get changed, and while he's doing that Harvey decides to go ahead and order food for them. He could hear Mike's stomach rumbling on the ride home so he doesn't want to make him wait any longer than he has to. 

He's still on the phone when Mike comes back out of the bedroom wearing dark grey joggers and a t-shirt that Harvey is pretty sure is one of his. Mike is a few words into a sentence when he notices Harvey on the phone and stops himself. He walks up behind him and slips his hands around Harvey's waist and rests his chin on his shoulder and uses the time to just breathe him in.

When the call ends, Harvey spins around and now it's his arms around Mike's waist. Mike hooks his arms around the back of Harvey's neck and they lock eyes for a moment before their lips find each other almost automatically. 

Harvey starts to pull away and Mike can't help himself from sliding a hand from around the back of his neck and placing it on the knot of Harvey's silk tie and using it to draw him back to his mouth. He's not quite ready to let go yet.

Harvey isn't either. He doesn't resist, instead, he meets Mike halfway, hands leaving his waist to instead grip the back of his head, tilting Mike's face into the kiss. His other hand caresses his cheek, his ear, his neck. Fingers pressing softly into flesh as if wanting to leave his mark there.

Mike sighs into his mouth and meets searching eyes as they kiss. Harvey had talked about going someplace for his birthday, someplace sunny and beautiful, but Mike just wants this. He just wants Harvey.  
They eventually part, if only for lack of breath. Mike hangs onto Harvey, fingers still clutching his tie and fabric of his shirt while he takes in gulps of air. Harvey's hand's stroke up and down his back, steady and comforting.

They stay like that for a while longer before Mike finally tells Harvey he should go get changed. Harvey agrees, but not before pressing one more kiss to Mike's lips.

-

Harvey changes and joins Mike on the couch. They are about halfway through an episode of Survivor when the food arrives. Mike pauses it and Harvey goes to retrieve the food. Mike reluctantly gets off the couch so he can grab some utensils and napkins.

"You didn't have to get up. I would have gotten those," Harvey says when he sees Mike carrying them into the living room.

"I know, but I figured I'd give you a hand."

They get everything pulled from the bags and spread out on the table. "I'll be right back," Harvey says as he disappears back out into the kitchen and returns with two wine glasses and a bottle. 

"Is that--?"

"Just sparkling cider. Did you--I mean, were you expecting s--?"

"No, not at all," Mike is quick to respond.

"Okay. Good," Harvey sets the glasses down and works on opening the bottle. He pours it evenly into both of their glasses and sets the bottle down before reclaiming his spot on the couch. 

Once seated and situated he picks up his glass and Mike picks up his. "Happy birthday," Harvey says before they clink their glasses together and lift them to their mouths to drink.

"Hmm" Mike hums before going on, "that's surprisingly tasty."

"It is."

Mike takes one more sip and swallows it before setting his glass back down. "Hey, Harvey?" he starts, suddenly sounding serious.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you'll ever drink again?" 

"Honestly? I'm not sure. I know for now it's better that I avoid it altogether, but I'd also be lying if I said I wouldn't like to get to a point where I feel comfortable enough with having a nice glass of wine with dinner every once in a while. But...who knows. Why? I mean, what made you ask that?"

"I was just curious." There's a short pause before he adds, "I'm proud of you. You know that, right? I know how hard it was for you to give it up and I know how hard on some days it still must be to not want to just drown it all out with alcohol."

"You sound a little like you're speaking from experience."

"Maybe a little."

"Well, I'm proud of you too. I know I kind of forced you into sobriety, but--"

"You didn't force anything, you gave me a reason. Big difference."

"Right," Harvey says, knowing all too well that difference.

"To us?" Mike says, raising his glass to Harvey again.

"To us," Harvey repeats, clinking against his glass once more.

-

They talk and eat dinner while binging a few episodes of Survivor. It's a little after midnight and Harvey has his head in Mike's lap when he looks up at him. Mike notices right away, pulling his eyes from the tv screen down to Harvey. "What is it?" he asks.

"Want to go for a little walk? Stretch our legs a bit?"

"Right now?"

"No, next week. Yes, right now."

"But that would require me moving."

"You can do it. I believe in you, Mike."

Harvey sits up and turns to put his feet flat on the floor. He stretches from side to side before standing up and offering a hand to help Mike up. Mike groans but takes it and Harvey pulls him to his feet.

They get their shoes back on and grab jackets from the closet and head out the door. 

Mike puts his hand in Harvey's and they walk. It only takes about one block to know where he's being led. 

It's an enjoyable walk, the weather is nice, it's not too hot nor too cold and Harvey keeps a firm grip on his hand and every so often he turns and just looks at Mike and smiles without saying a word. Mike doesn't know what that's about but it doesn't stop him from smiling back.

"Want to sit for a little?" Harvey asks when they reach the bench at the spot that has become _theirs_. 

They sit down together, hands still connected. After a few moments of comfortable silence, Harvey speaks. "Did you have a good birthday?"

"The best. It was exactly what I wanted it to be," he says as he rests his head against Harvey's shoulder. 

"Good," Harvey says. "I got you something."

Mike lifts his head off of Harvey. "What?"

"I got you a present."

"Harvey, I told you not to get me anything."

"I know. But technically I had this before you told me that and," Harvey checks his watch, "it's officially after your birthday right now so I think that renders the aforementioned agreement moot."

"What are you, some kind of lawyer?"

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand," Harvey says.

Mike does as Harvey asks, first closing his eyes and then placing his hand out, palm open in front of him. 

He feels the warmth of Harvey's hand grab his first and then he feels something cold being pressed into it. Harvey takes Mike's fingers and curls them in so that his fist is closed around the object. 

"Okay, you can open your eyes."

Mike opens his eyes and then uncurls his fingers. He sees a key in his hand. "Okay...I'm confused, what is this?"

"It's a key. To our place."

" _Our_ place? You're finally letting me move back in with you?" 

"I want us to live together. But I don't want it to be where we're at now. Look, Mike," Harvey says turning to face him. "We've lived in a place that was yours and we've lived in a place that was mine, I want to live in a place that is ours."

Harvey can see that Mike still isn't quite connecting the dots. "I bought us a place."

"You what?"

"I want a fresh start. I want to live in a place that doesn't have so many bad memories tied to it. I want good memories, I want new memories, and I want them all with you."

"I don't know what to say."

"Personally, I was hoping for something along the lines of 'Yes, Harvey, I'll move in with you'."

"Of course, I'll move in with you," Mike says before lunging forward and engulfing him in a hug. "Wait...wait..wait.." he says pulling away, "Is this why you said no when I asked you if I could move in?"

"It's exactly why. I wanted it to be a surprise."

"You realize I still would have been surprised if you would have told me that then?"

"Fair point. So do you want to see it?"

"Wait...right now? Where is it?"

"Only a few more blocks from here. I didn't want to leave the area or make our commute more difficult so I tried to stay close. Plus, you've got to see the view. I would have bought it for that alone."

"Okay, okay, enough talking, I want to see it!" Mike says, practically leaping off the bench.

-

Harvey lets Mike do the honors once they get there and open the door using his key. Mike starts turning the key and pauses to look back at Harvey, "Why do I feel so nervous right now?" he asks.

"Because you think too much. Now come on, unlock the door."

Mike finishes unlocking it and pushes the door open and steps inside. Harvey follows closely behind, reaching over to the wall and flipping on the light switch. 

Mike slowly walks farther inside. "Holy shit. This place is gorgeous." 

Beautiful wood flooring, gorgeous high ceilings with exposed beams, sparkling white walls. A fireplace. Oversized windows that look like they'll let in a lot of natural light. Mike tries to take it all in as he ventures farther inside. 

"Are we going to be able to afford this?" he asks, only half-joking.

Harvey laughs a little. "I mean you're going to have to cut back on the pro bonos but sure."

"Wait...seriously?"

"No. Believe it or not, it's not much of a difference between what I'm already paying. And it'll help that we won't be keeping two places anymore." Harvey starts walking across the floor. "Come here for a second," he says. Mike follows him. 

Harvey walks him over the balcony, sliding the door open and allowing Mike to go out first. He immediately walks up and places his body against the railing. "Wow."

"Wow is right," Harvey says as he places himself right next to Mike. 

As gorgeous as the city is all lit up below them, Mike can't help but think of how breathtaking the sunsets are going to be and all the time he'll get to spend with Harvey just watching the day disappear.

Harvey takes Mike back inside and continues to give him a tour of everything and while Harvey is explaining features and the dimensions of the room Mike is envisioning the memories they can make in each and every room. Early morning conversations over pancakes in the kitchen. Lazy winter evenings curled up by the fireplace. He's falling in love with what this place can be for both of them. 

"So...what's the verdict?" Harvey asks when he's shown him mostly everything.

Mike just kisses Harvey and it tells Harvey everything he needs to know.

\-----

The next few weeks are busier than usual with work, therapy, and starting to get the new place ready and move things in added to the mix. It's a lot to deal with. But they think they're handling it well, all things considered.

There are some hard days at therapy and emotions tend to get stirred up but Harvey and Mike start to learn that there are some things that they can bring home from therapy and others they just need to leave in that room when the session is over. 

They gradually get better at learning how to deal with the bad days that pop up along the way. Mike learns that sometimes he just has to give Harvey some space and let him get through it on his own, which sometimes can be the hardest thing in the world for him. He doesn't like the helplessness that comes with it. But he knows it's for the better. There are other days Harvey needs Mike there for him, with all his comforting words and touches. Harvey knows he needs to get better at communicating which of those two things he needs so Mike isn't always stuck trying to guess which one it is. 

Mike doesn't have days when he wants to be left alone. He's so fucking tired of alone. If he's having a bad day he wants the comfort that comes with having somebody who understands by his side. He wants Harvey. The hold-up with Mike is sometimes he's inclined to hide the fact that he's having a bad day. He's gotten used to telling people things are okay when the sky is falling.

Fortunately, Harvey is pretty good at reading him and getting him to open up and they're able to take things from there. Harvey doesn't always know what the right words are, as he's still trying to figure out things for himself most days, but Mike doesn't always need the right words or words at all, he just needs to feel safe. Harvey's been able to provide him with that.

\-----

The day they officially move into the new place is an emotional one for Harvey. Because they had moved things little by little, he hadn't really thought much about how he would feel when it was time to finally leave the place behind for good.

They use movers to load the rest of the heavy stuff up, all the things that they hadn't been able to move up until today; their bed. They'd both decided not to stay in the new place until everything was officially moved there. 

The couch also gets picked up, but that is decidedly _not_ going to the new place because Mike refused to move (and Harvey only thought he was half-joking about it) unless he got to pick out a new couch. It was the only thing he was adamant that he be able to choose by himself. Everything else in the house they picked together or at the very least been able to reach a compromise on.

Mike walks through the place one last time, wanting to be sure there was nothing that they missed along the way or anything that got lost in the shuffle and chaos that normally ensues with moving. 

Once he's finished he searches for Harvey and finds him out on the balcony, hunched over at the railing. He opens the door to join him. "Everything's officially out. Well, besides us," he says as soon as he's through the door. 

Harvey remains quiet. 

Mike moves to stand next to him. "You okay?"

He's quiet for a little while longer before blurting out "God," and wiping at tears that started to leak from his eyes, despite his efforts to keep it all in. 

Mike places a hand on his back and gently rubs. "What's wrong?"

"I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened here. All the fucking hurt that took place under this roof and in the confines of these walls. Because of him. Because of me." Harvey wipes his eyes again, a few more tears escaping. "I didn't know it was going to feel this--" he searches for the right word and he isn't sure there is one that truly encompasses what he feels, "heavy," seems fitting yet still so much of an understatement.

"But you get to leave that behind. You don't have to take any of that hurt with you. It can all stay here. You'll be under a new roof. You have new walls to work with. We can put so much happiness inside those walls."

Harvey looks at Mike and his eyes are bright and hopeful in a way that seems should be impossible after everything he's been through. "I love you," Harvey tells him. It's the only thing that needs to be said. 

"I love you, too." Mike rubs a few more soft circles on Harvey's back. "Let's get out of here and close this chapter. Let's go home, Harvey."

"Home," he repeats. "I like the sound of that."

\-----

Over the next few weeks, they work on getting things set up exactly as they want, adding things here and there, small touches that are coming together to really make the place start to feel like theirs.  
Because of everything they had going on in their lives, Sean had kind of fell by the wayside. Mike had kept in contact with him through text, but he hadn't seen him since that day at the cafe. 

"That Sean?" Harvey asks already knowing the answer when he sees Mike typing away on his phone.

"Yeah. He was just checking in to see how things are. Again. I'm not exactly sure he ever believes me when I tell him things are good, especially since I haven't seen him in so long. But it just feels like we're always busy; with work, the move, and keeping all of our appointments. Or, I don't know, maybe that's just an excuse I'm using and I'm a terrible friend." 

"You're not a terrible friend. You have been busy. But I think we're pretty much settled in here, so why don't you invite him over for dinner and show him the place?"

"Really? I think he'd probably love that."

"I think so, too. You talk to him and just let me know when he's available and what you need me to get at the store so I can cook dinner for all of us. How's that sound?"

"That sounds great. Thanks."

"You're welcome. But just so we're clear, you don't ever need my permission to invite Sean or anybody else you want over here. Maybe just give me a heads up that someone is coming so I can stay out of your way, or tell me what you need from me, but other than that, you can do whatever you want. This is your place, too. You understand?"

Mike nods. "I do."

"Good."

Mike throws out the invitation to Sean, who quickly accepts because it's been far too long since he's seen Mike and even though Mike swears up and down that things are really good this time, there's a part of him that knows he'd be saying the same thing even if they weren't. 

\-----

Even though the move had only been a few blocks from where they had previously been, sometimes it feels like they've moved halfway across the country. Harvey didn't realize how much simply being in that place surrounded by reminders had been holding him back in being able to continue with moving forward. 

He's torn between wishing he had done it sooner, and thinking that maybe the timing worked out the way it did for a reason. Maybe if he had done it sooner he would have dragged Mike with him and he would have been replacing bad memories with more of the same. 

\-----

Saturday mornings are typically for sleeping in. They have an unspoken rule of staying in bed until at least 10 and usually don't leave the bed until a plethora of lazy kisses have been sufficiently pressed into each other's mouths and skin. 

Today is no different, Mike wakes Harvey with lips against his shoulders, the heat of his mouth sending a shiver down his spine. Mike moves his mouth up to his neck, along his jaw, and eventually connects with his lips. Its starts with small pecks on his lips, just enough to get a taste of him before Harvey parts his lips and allows Mike to slip his tongue in and curl it around Harvey's and drag it into his mouth and caress it with velvety strokes. 

They kiss until they are both breathless and the last thing on their minds is falling back asleep. Harvey grasps a handful of shirt on either side of Mike and helps him pull it over his head. The rest is a blur of heated kisses and more clothes being shed and the sound of the drawer of the nightstand opening and the soft thud of the bottle of lube on the bed.

They take things slow. The kisses, the touches, everything moves at an unhurried pace. They have things they need to do today, but they have plenty of time to get them done so they plan on making the most of this lazy morning. 

They end up on their backs next to each other, satiated and still working on catching their breath and simply basking in the afterglow of sex.

\-----

Sex has started to become a somewhat normal occurrence between them. There are still things that Mike notices that Harvey is uncomfortable with, one of them is getting a blowjob or Mike even touching him _there_. After the first few times of trying to and being politely rejected or having his hand pushed away, Mike decides to ask him about it.

"Why don't you ever want me to give you a blowjob? Do you--not like them? Or you just don't want one from me?"

Harvey just stares ahead before sucking in a breath and releasing it slowly. Mike can tell the answer to the question is heavier than he hopes it would be.

"I do like them and I-of course I'd want one from you. But--" Harvey stutters before licking his lips nervously and continuing, "I think it would make me feel like I'm not in control."

Harvey can see Mike isn't quite getting it, so he tries to farther explain. "Sometimes...Luke would perform oral on me. He said it was my reward for being good. I didn't want it, Mike. I didn't," Harvey states adamantly, "But that didn't ever matter. And when he did it, it felt--it felt so fucking _wrong_. But it also felt... _good_. Which made it feel even worse. It made me feel so disgusting that he could get me off doing something I didn't fucking want, something that I-I was begging him to stop. He said deep down I wanted it otherwise I wouldn't have--" Harvey's voice trails off, too upset to finish his thought.

Even though Harvey has told Mike a lot and he's been extremely forthcoming in therapy about things, it seems like there's always something more that he didn't know. Always something new and endlessly heartbreaking just around the corner waiting to be revealed. 

"I'm so sorry," Mike says. Sorry has always seemed so small and meaningless with these things. But he says it anyway.

"It's probably stupid. I mean, we've had sex and I'm getting hung-up on getting a fucking blowjob."

"It's not stupid. But I also want to tell you that just because I'm giving you a blowjob doesn't mean you're not in control. You would set the pace, Harvey. You can tell me what you like, what you don't like. When to keep going, when to stop. I'll listen. I'm not him."

"I know that. I do. It's just--"

"You're not ready."

"I'm not."

"And that's okay. But when you are, or if you ever want to try it, just let me know."

That's as far as that conversation goes. Though at their next therapy session Harvey brings up something vaguely related to it that lets Mike know that he's at least been giving it some thought.

\-----

Mike turns on his side and curls into Harvey. He traces a finger across his chest, down his abdomen, across a scar, and back up again. There are certain scars that Harvey is okay with him touching now. Others, not so much. They're both still learning. 

"I don't want to leave this bed," Mike says as he rests his head on Harvey's chest.

"So don't."

"Sean is coming over for dinner tonight, I think having a meal cooked is a prerequisite of that."

"There's a frozen pizza in the freezer," Harvey suggests.

"Hmmm. Is it stuffed crust?"

"I don't think so."

"Damn. Can't do it then."

"Stuffed crust is the deciding factor between what does and doesn't pass as dinner?"

"Duh," Mike says as he smiles into Harvey's neck. 

"I'll take your word for it. How about you go get a shower, and while you're doing that I'll get us some coffee made?"

"Sounds perfect."

Harvey kisses Mike one more time, before reluctantly rolling away from him and getting out of the bed. Mike gets out on the other side. They meet at the foot of the bed and sneak in one last kiss. "Love you," Harvey says.

"Love you, too."

"I'll believe that if you leave me any hot water," Harvey jokes.

Mike shakes his head and rolls his eyes before heading into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. 

-

Harvey has just finished pouring coffee into mugs when Mike turns back up. "Showers all yours," he says as he slicks his hair back with his hands. 

"And coffee is all yours," Harvey replies, sliding his mug closer to him. "Unfortunately, you're going to have to wait a bit to drink it."

"Ugh," Mike groans.

"You've survived worse," Harvey says as he presses a kiss into wet, messy hair as he breezes past Mike on his way out of the kitchen. 

-

When Harvey finishes his shower and returns to the kitchen the coffee has cooled enough that it's drinkable. They carry it out onto the balcony with them and sit on their wicker patio furniture and sip it slowly under a blue sky while they put together a list of things they need to get from the store for tonight's dinner.

They take pleasure in wringing out the last bit of slow they have before the day gets busy.

-

After the coffee is finished the reality of the day kicks in and they go their separate ways. Mike has to run to the office to pick up a folder he'd forgotten, and then he has to go to the bank and hope to have that finished in time for his individual therapy session.

Harvey has to go to the pharmacy to pick up his meds, and he's volunteered to tackle the grocery shopping.

-  
Harvey ends up getting home before Mike. He puts away the groceries and washes his hands and gets out the things that he needs to make the marinade for the chicken. They decided they're going to make chicken tacos, as Mike said it's one of Sean's favorite meals. 

He gets out a small glass bowl and combines oil, lime juice, brown sugar, cumin, chili powder, garlic powder, salt, Italian seasoning, and the zest of a lemon in the bowl. He whisks it together thoroughly before dumping it into a resealable bag and adding the chicken to it. He makes sure it's all coated before sticking it in the fridge to marinate for a few hours. 

He gets everything cleaned up and put away in the kitchen and then decides to get his computer out and squeeze in a little bit of work before Mike gets home. 

\- 

When Mike gets home the place is quiet. "Harvey?" he calls to no answer. He walks a little farther inside, stops by the hallway closet to hang his coat up, all of Harvey's nagging him about leaving clothes all over the place finally paying off. 

When he gets in the living room he sees Harvey curled up on the couch with his laptop next to him. He quietly approaches him and slides the laptop away. He saves the project Harvey was working on, just in case, before shutting the lid. 

He grabs the blanket that's draped over the back of the recliner and uses it to cover Harvey.

"You're home," Harvey says groggily. 

"Shit. I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologizes. 

"I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's because the couch is comfortable," Mike states proudly.

"Maybe too comfortable," Harvey replies as he scooches himself backward and into an upright position. He yawns and rolls his neck from side to side. "How was therapy?"

"It was good. Got a little emotional but when don't I?" He let out a small huff of laughter. "You get everything you need at the grocery store?"

"I did. I've got the chicken in the fridge marinating."

"Were you able to get avocado?"

"Yes, I got everything on the list. I promise I did not forget a single item."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to question your ability to follow a grocery list. I just want tonight to go perfectly. I want him to see that we're doing good."

"And he will see that. Relax."

"I'll try."

-

Even though Harvey had volunteered to cook dinner himself, Mike was adamant that he be able to help. So while Harvey cooks the chicken, Mike chops vegetables to make homemade salsa. They work nearly as well together in the kitchen as they do at the office. 

The house smells absolutely incredible by the time they are finishing up. They have about ten minutes until Sean is set to arrive, so they scramble to change clothes and get the dining room table set. 

Harvey is buttoning the last button of his shirt when he hears the doorbell ring. "That's him," Harvey announces to Mike who is still in the bathroom. 

"Can you go get it? I'm almost done," Mike yells from the other side of the door.

"I got it," Harvey says as he starts to walk towards the front door. He looks through the peephole just to confirm that it is Sean, before fixing the cuff of his shirt, running a hand through his hair, and opening the door. 

"Harvey," Sean greets. He's more dressed up than the both of them and has a white box in his hands. 

"Sean," Harvey says. "Come in," he follows it up with, stepping aside and inviting him in. "Did you have any trouble finding the place?" he asks as he shuts the door behind them.

"Not at all. I didn't realize how close it was to your old place. You must like the neighborhood."

"Something like that."

Sean takes a moment to look around the place as there's a lull in the conversation. "I, uh, brought dessert," he says holding the white box out to Harvey. "I know you don't drink anymore, so I figured this was the next best thing."

"Thanks." Harvey takes the box from him and starts to walk it to the kitchen. Sean slowly trails behind him as he takes in more of the place. 

"Sean!" Mike says when he comes around the corner and sees him. He goes right up to him and wraps his arms around him for a hug. "Good to finally see you again!" 

"You too," Sean responds before the hug breaks apart. He immediately looks at Harvey who is watching them and surprisingly doing so with a smile on his face. 

"Sean brought us dessert, Mike."

"He did?" Mike asks, before turning back to Sean, "You did? You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to."

"What is it?"

"Cookies."

"The gourmet ones? Please tell me you got me a--"

"S'mores? Of course."

"You're the best," he says to Sean. Sean can't help but turn his gaze to gauge Harvey's reaction. Admittedly he's feeling a little more nervous than he thought he would be when doing this. Harvey's past unpredictability with him at the forefront of his mind.

"Before we get ahead of ourselves with dessert, how about we try having some actual food first," Harvey suggests.

"You know in some countries it's customary to eat dessert first," Mike rattles off.

"Name one."

"I don't know. I made it up. But it's a big world, there's bound to be someplace that does it."

Harvey rolls his eyes. "Why don't you show Sean to the dining room? I'll bring the food in."

"Sure you don't need some help?"

"I got it. Go on," Harvey shoos him away.

"All right. Come on, Sean, follow me."

Sean follows and Mike starts to lead him to the dining room. "Uh, do you mind if I use your restroom to wash my hands?" he asks.

"Of course not." Mike changes directions and leads Sean down the hallway to the bathroom. Sean leaves the door open while he turns on the faucet and squirts some soap into his hands. 

Mike steps inside the bathroom and reaches around the corner to grab a hand towel to dry them off with when he's done.

Sean looks up at Mike in the mirror's reflection. "Your place is beautiful."

"Oh, thank you. I can give you a little tour when we're done with dinner if you want."

"Sure. I'd like that." Sean finishes rinsing his hands, turns off the water, and gives them a little shake. Mike holds the towel out for him. He takes it and dries his hands off with it. 

Mike looks at him and smiles. "You ready to eat?"

"I'm starving. Been looking forward to this all day."

"Then let's get some food in your stomach."

Harvey already has all the food laid out on the table by the time they get back. He asks what they want to drink and they decide on water. Harvey quickly disappears again, coming back carrying a glass pitcher of water. He fills three glasses and distributes them before pulling out his chair and sitting down at the table. 

"Mike tells me this is one of your favorite meals."

"It is. And I must say this all looks incredible. Is that homemade salsa?"

"Mike made that," Harvey says.

"I did. And I didn't even lose any fingers while doing it like Harvey swore I was going to as he was judging my cutting technique."

"I wasn't judging, I was giving sound advice."

"You were being a backseat chef."

"That's not a thing," Harvey dismisses. 

"It could be."

They start to dish food onto their plates and as they begin eating there's some small talk, both Mike and Harvey taking turns asking Sean questions. As the conversation progresses Sean starts to allow himself to relax a little bit and the worry he had that something was going to go terribly wrong gradually starts to dissipate. 

-

"You two absolutely outdid yourselves. Thank you for a wonderful meal," Sean says as he stretches back in his chair a little, taking the napkin from his lap and sitting it on his empty plate.

"I'm happy you enjoyed it," Mike says.

"Hey, Mike, why don't you go give Sean a little tour while I get these dishes out of the way? That is if he wants to."

"What do you say, Sean? You ready?"

"Absolutely. Though after all I ate, I think I might need a slowed-down version of the tour."

"We can go as slow as you need," Mike assures him.

"Good. Are you sure you don't want any help with any of those dishes," Sean asks as he sees Harvey starting to gather up things from the table.

"No, no," Harvey waves him off, "you're our guest. You go with Mike. I'll take care of everything here."

Sean nods. "Okay."

Mike pushes his chair out from the table and Sean does the same. "Um, I guess we'll start at the back and work our way forward," he says. 

"You're the tour guide," Sean replies. 

As they head off, Harvey continues to gather up the dishes and carry them to the sink. As he's standing in the kitchen over the sink washing them up every once in a while he'll hear muffled voices and the sound of Mike's laugh echoing down the hallway. 

There was a point in time not so long ago where that very same laugh being laughed with Sean sounded like the worst thing in the world. That laugh had meant there had to be something going on between them. That laughter would have started a fight and it would have made him say things to Mike that made him feel like shit. 

He was a different person then, he was sick. This is what he tries to tell himself. Neither of those things is lies, but neither of those things also do much to combat the guilt that's stirred up and is now swimming in the pit of his stomach. 

-

"Now I want to show you my favorite part."

"You realize you've said no less than 6 other parts were your favorite parts, right?"

"Okay, but this is my favorite favorite. The pièce de résistance, if you will." Mike opens the door to the balcony door. "Go ahead," he urges. 

Sean steps through and Mike does the same before closing the door behind them. He gives Sean a minute to take it all in before asking "What do you think?"

Sean looks at Mike who is looking back at him with expectant excitement on his face. "Beautiful," Sean says. He's not entirely sure he's talking about the view.

"Isn't it though? Not that the view at Harvey's last place wasn't spectacular, because it was. But this is like a whole other word. Or I don't know, maybe it's not all that different and it's just because everything else is different now," Mike rambles. 

"This isn't bullshit, is it?" 

"What do you mean?"

"This whole thing. It's not a red herring, is it? You and Harvey aren't putting on some act to try to convince me things are okay when they really aren't. Because I'll tell you if you are you've both been really fucking convincing tonight."

"It's not an act. We're finally doing good," he replies.

Sean searches his face looking for any sign that he's doing something other than telling him the truth right now. If there's a tell there, he isn't seeing it. "Okay," he says as he turns and rests his elbows on the balustrade of the balcony and stares at the vastness of the city below.

Mike stands directly next to him, arms close enough that they brush each other when there's any sort of movement between the two of them. 

There's a long pause before Mike speaks again. "None of this would be possible without you."

Sean shakes his head and huffs a sound of disbelief. 

Mike grabs Sean's arm and turns him so that they're facing. "I'm serious. You were the only one to believe me when Harvey first went missing, and from that day on you were always there for me, it never mattered what time of day it was or if you had anything else going on, you would drop it and be there for me and you never once asked for a goddamn thing in return," his voice shaking with unshed tears.

"Mike," Sean says his name softly. 

"I know I've thanked you before but I'll never be able to thank you enough. For everything you did and were put through as a result of it. Not just with Harvey but for the prison thing, too. You've been an incredible friend to me, and in return, I've been a pretty terrible one to you and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." 

Mike can't hold it in and starts to cry, Sean instinctively wraps his arms around him and pulls him into a tight embrace. "It's okay," he soothes, before rubbing Mike's back softly. As he's holding him, he just so happens to see Harvey watching them from inside. He quickly disappears from Sean's view. 

Sean slides his hands away from Mike and pulls out of the hug. 

"Sorry," Mike apologizes. "I didn't mean to get so emotional about it."

Sean smiles slightly at that. "Pretty sure emotional is who you are."

That gets a small, barely-there laugh from Mike before he gets serious again and says "I seriously owe you so much and I don't think if there's anything I could ever do to make up for what you've done for me and given me but if you ever need anything, and I mean anything at all, please do not hesitate to ask."

Sean doesn't hesitate. "There is something you can do."

"What is it?"

"Don't disappear from my life just because things are good with you. I don't want to be somebody that you only come to because you don't feel like you have anybody else or because something is wrong or you're feeling sad. I'd never turn you away for any of those things, but I'd like you to spend time with me just because. I'd like to get to know this happier, more content you. It doesn't have to be all the time either or anything elaborate, just us grabbing a cup of coffee or lunch here and there so you can catch me up on your life."

"I can do that. I promise I'm going to be a better friend, Sean. I mean, who knows, maybe we can even find you somebody and we can do some double dates together."

"I think you're getting ahead of yourself."

"I'm a good wingman. Just throwing that fact out there."

"All right, that's enough. We should probably be heading back inside."

Mike playfully slaps Sean on the shoulder before turning towards the door. "Let's go."

Harvey has all the dishes cleaned up and is resting on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table in the living room when they make their way back to him. "All finished with the tour," Mike informs him.

"You and Mike have a beautiful home. The view, in particular, is spectacular." 

"I figured that might be your favorite considering the amount of time you spent out there compared to anything else."

Sean's not sure how he's supposed to take that comment. There's no malice in Harvey's tone when he says it but given their history and the fact that Harvey had been staring at them when they were outside, it does make him a little uneasy. 

"Now that the tour has wrapped, anybody ready for dessert?" Mike asks cheerfully, rubbing his hands together.

"I'm good," Harvey says, "but by all means don't let me stop you two from having something."

"Sean?" Mike says. "Are you going to have a cookie?"

"Um, no, I probably shouldn't."

Mike shakes his head "You two are so boring." 

-

After seeing the cookies and hearing Mike's rave review of them, both Sean and Harvey give in and have a little piece of cookie. They don't think they would have heard the end of it from Mike if they didn't.  
They sit in the living room and talk for a little while longer and then Mike brings out Uno. They play a couple of rounds and then Mike sits his last card down and declares "uno."

"Damn it," Harvey says, "how do you keep winning? Are you counting cards?"

"You think I'm counting cards...in Uno?"

"Wait, you count cards?" Sean chimes in. "Like, in Vegas?"

"Not Vegas. Atlantic City. And I don't count them. Not on purpose. My brain just kind of does it."

"Does that sound legitimate to you, Sean?"

"Sounds like bullshit to me."

"Okay, now you're just ganging up on me because you're both mad that you lost."

"I'm not mad. I think it's impressive that you can count cards in Uno," Harvey jokes.

"You think he cheats at Candyland too?" Sean says to Harvey.

"Absolutely."

"All right, are you two done, yet?"

"Just about," Harvey replies with a grin that stretches from ear to ear.

There's a small stretch of silence before Sean looks at his watch and sees how late it already is. "I should probably head back soon." 

Mike checks his own watch to see what time it is. Time has flown by tonight. "You sure you just don't want to stay the night. The guest room is all set up."

"Maybe some other time," he says as he stands up and buttons his suit jacket back up. "I had a really nice night tonight. Dinner was incredible. Thank you for having me over."

"You're welcome," Harvey says while Mike responds with "Anytime."

They both get up off the couch and walk to the front door with him. "Can you text me when you get back home so I know you made it home safely?" Mike asks.

"Of course. Thanks again for tonight."

"Thank you for agreeing to come and for the dessert. I know our dinners together haven't always gone so well, so this was a nice change."

"It was," Sean says before pushing out a breath. "All right. I'll see you guys around." He turns to grab the doorknob and starts to open it.

"Actually, I'll walk you out. I need to talk to you about something."

"Oh," Sean says as his heartrate quickens. "Um, okay."

Harvey turns back to Mike. "I'll be right back," he says before following Sean out and shutting the door behind him. 

They take a few steps away from the door. "Right here's fine," Harvey says.

"Harvey if this is about me hugging Mike when we were out on the balcony, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to overstep and I promise I won't do it again."

"It's not about that. I wanted to thank you, and I mean really thank you for everything you've done for us. All of it. You took care of Mike when I wasn't able to and that means everything to me because he means everything to me," Harvey says, emotion seeping into his voice. "You're a good man, Sean."

"Thanks, Harvey. And--I'm happy for you and Mike. You both deserve something good to come at the end of all of this. I mean that."

Harvey swallows around the lump in his throat and manages to squeak out a small "thank you."

"We're good now? Me and you?"

"We are."

"Good," Sean says before extending his hand for a handshake. Harvey accepts it. 

"I'll see you around, Harvey."

"Good night, Sean."

-

"Everything good?" Mike asks when Harvey plops down next to him on the couch. 

"It is."

"Good. I'm pretty tired, you okay with calling it a night?"

"Yeah, let's do that."

They turn out the lights, Harvey takes his meds and they head off to the bedroom to change and brush their teeth before climbing into bed together. Mike curls up on Harvey's chest, his head tucked beneath his chin.

"I had a good day," Mike says after a long stretch of silence.

"Me too," Harvey replies.

Another silence drags on.

"I love you," Mike says sleepily and softly.

"I love you, too."

Those are the last words whispered before they both drift off.

-

The bed always feels so cold and empty when he wakes up without Harvey in it. And today is no exception. Mike groans his complaints to an empty room before rolling to look at the blurry clock with eyes that still have not quite adjusted to the bright light beaming through the curtains. 

It's early. For a Sunday anyway. He sits up and rubs his eyes and looks to see if he can see light underneath the bathroom door. He doesn't, so he swings his legs over the side of the bed and gives himself a second before getting out of it to go find Harvey. He's going with hopes that he can drag him back into the bed and they can snuggle for a little bit. 

He finds Harvey sitting on a barstool at the kitchen island. As he approaches him he sees that he has his pills sat on the counter and he's just staring at them. 

He moves right beside him, Harvey doesn't acknowledge him. 

"What are you doing?" Mike asks.

Harvey jumps at the sound of Mike's voice, confirming that he hadn't even realized Mike had entered the room and was standing right next to him. 

Harvey keeps his eyes fixed on the pills in front of him. "What if these stop working?" 

"What?"

"What if these stop working? What if I build up some tolerance to them and they just don't work anymore. What if I start seeing him again? I can't do it again. I can't," Harvey breathes frantically. 

"Harvey, look at me," Mike says, gripping his arm to get his attention. Harvey looks up at him with eyes shiny with tears. "Where is all of this coming from?" Mike asks.

Harvey feels a lump tighten in his throat and he swallows it down. "Things have been good. Really good. But I'm scared it's all going to go away. I mean how much of it is what I've done and how much is it just a few pills a few times away keeping me from going off the rails again and ruining everything for us?"

"Okay," Mike slides up in the chair next to him, "Us being in the place we are now isn't just because you take pills. You can't possibly believe that. You've put in the work. You've made sacrifices along the way and put in the effort. The strength you've had to be able to open up and talk about the things you've gone through so you can work through them is...it's incredible."

"It doesn't scare you at all? I mean you were so fucking concerned about me taking my meds that you were willing to wrestle pills out of my hand at one point and now you act like these are a daily multi-vitamin and not something that keeps me from having hallucinations of the man that abducted and tortured me."

"I'm not saying they're not important, they are. But they're not the end all be all. They work in combination with what you're doing."

Harvey sighs and rubs the nape of his neck. "You don't understand how real it all felt, Mike. It was like--it was like he was right there in the room with me. Like I could touch him. Like he could touch me. It terrifies me to think of experiencing that again."

"You won't."

"You can't know that."

Mike reconsiders it. "You're right, but we can do our best to make sure you won't. If you notice anything or start feeling any differently, you talk to your doctor. You don't hide it because you're scared of what it means or could mean or try to fix it on your own, okay?"

"Okay. But you need to do the same, if you notice anything is off about me or I'm acting weird, talk to me about it. Please."

"I will," Mike says while nodding his head. "It's going to be okay, Harvey," he tells him before slinging an arm over Harvey's shoulder and leaning his body against his.

Harvey reaches across his body and grabs onto Mike's hand that is just hanging over the front of his shoulder. "Thank you," he says.

"For what?" Mike asks cluelessly.

"Everything. Always."

"Don't mention it."

"Guess I should take these pills, huh?"

"I'll get you a glass of water," Mike says. As he starts to slide his arm away from Harvey, Harvey stops him at the last minute and pulls him in for a kiss. Mike stops in his track and kisses him back.

It hadn't been the conversation Mike had been expecting to have, but it's one he's glad they got to have. It's clearly something that had been on Harvey's mind for some time. And if he's being honest, he's thought about it himself a time or two before pushing the thought to the back of his mind the way Harvey no longer could.

\-----

They are approaching the one year anniversary of being in the new place. Time has flown by and they've been able to pack a lot of good memories and laughter between the walls in that time frame. Of course, there have been hard moments too, fights and some tears shed, but times like that were few and far between. They've made a (pinky) promise to never go to bed angry at each other, it's something Mike talked about his parents doing before and they've adapted it to their life. So far it's worked well.

Work has been keeping them both busy but the firm is doing well. They've brought in some new hires and things are running more smoothly there than they have in a long time. This is why Harvey and Mike have started to talk about starting and running their own firm. It's just an idea at his point, something they talk about while laying in bed late at night after a long day, but they want to move away from big money cases and just put their focus on helping the people who need it the most. But there's a lot to be done for that to happen and it's just an idea. For now.

-

Mike's been wrapped up in a pro-bono case for weeks and has been so stressed out about it that Harvey's not sure he even knows what day of the week it is, let alone the fact that their one-year anniversary of moving into this place is coming up. 

He thinks about surprising him with a spa day including a long massage. Mike could certainly benefit from that. He hangs onto that idea while trying to think of something better. 

-

While he's out for a run the next day he happens to dodge a car while crossing the street that has a bumper sticker advertising a local animal shelter. He shakes the idea off at first, but he keeps coming back to it. He isn't going to get a dog, but there would be no harm in stopping in on his lunch break and maybe just asking some questions and getting more information.

-

"You look happy," Harvey says as he takes in the smile that has been plastered on Mike's face since mid-afternoon.

"I am happy. Because my client's happy. That money is literally going to change her entire life. And I got to play a part in it."

"Play a part in it? You orchestrated the whole damn thing. I didn't watch you stress over this shit for nearly a month for you to not take credit for it. You absolutely crushed it, Mike."

"Thanks, Harvey. I think we should celebrate by ordering some pizza and laying on the couch until we meld into it."

"I'm not so sure about the second part, but the pizza we can do."

-

Once they get home, they get changed, order pizza, and find their way outside onto the balcony. This is where they usually end up most days after work, it's a place where they can just talk and unwind for a little bit. 

At one point Mike says that he needs to use the bathroom and goes back inside. When he comes back he has his arms behind his back and a smile on his face.

"What?" Harvey says when Mike stops and stands in front of him. 

"I got you something."

Harvey plays coy. "Why?"

"Because it's been one year since we moved here."

"Has it?"

"Yeah, I kind of figured you wouldn't remember. It's fine, you don't have the advantage of my memory so I'll let it go." Mike pulls the gift bag around front and holds it out to Harvey, "Happy one year!"

Harvey takes the bag from him. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"Come on, open it!"

Harvey digs in the bag and past the plethora of tissue paper until he can feel something. He grabs onto it and pulls it out. It's a beautiful wooden sign with the lettering _Specter Ross_ engraved in it. "This is beautiful, Mike."

"I was thinking it would look good on that empty wall that we haven't been able to decide on what should go there."

"I think that would be a perfect spot for it."

"At least until we get our firm off the ground," Mike adds.

Harvey smiles at the thought. "We'll get there." He carefully sits the sign down on the table next to his chair and stands up and wraps his arms around Mike. "Thank you. I love it."

Mike keeps hooks his arms behind Harvey's waist to hold him in place. "You're welcome. I can't believe it's been a year."

"Neither can I. It's been a good year."

"It has."

They continue talking until they're interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. "I'm not sure if that's really good timing or really bad. I'll go get the door. You grab some plates," Harvey says.

-

They're sitting on the couch after dinner, both stuffed from way too much pizza. They haven't managed to turn the tv on, far too content with each other's company and not wanting to take away from that.  
Harvey's phone dings with a text and he hops up from the couch instantly after reading it.

It catches Mike off guard. "Woah. Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah, I'll be right back."

"Okaaay," Mike says to himself as Harvey is already long gone from his view.

Harvey returns a few minutes later. He tosses a wrapped box towards him. "Merry Christmas. Or, uh, I guess, happy one year in this place."

"I thought you didn't know it was today."

"I have a pretty good memory myself. Open it up."

Mike sits up straighter and starts working to unwrap the box. Once he gets all the paper off, he slowly pulls the top off the box to reveal...a collar. 

"Ummm, is this some weird sex thing because I'm not sure I'm into it," he says.

"Jesus, what is wrong with you?"

"Wait...this has a name tag on it. Harvey, are we getting a dog?"

Harvey can see the tidal wave of excitement wash over Mike as he puts it together and his decision already feels like it's paying off and he hasn't even seen the dog yet.

"Harvey," Mike stands up. "I swear to god if you're messing with me right now--"

"Okay, calm down for a second, somebody's at the door."

"Is it the dog?"

"Don't be ridiculous, dogs can't ring doorbells. Stay right here for a second."

Harvey walks to the door and opens it up, Sean is standing on the other side, leash in hand. "Here you go," he says, holding the leash out for Harvey, the dog already excitedly jumping up and down on him.  
"There's no way I'm not letting you witness this, get in here. Besides, I might need you to help me pick him off the floor when he passes out from excitement."

Sean follows Harvey in and shuts the door behind him. Harvey bends down and unhooks the leash. "Come on, buddy," Harvey commands. The dog follows closely beside him, tail wagging furiously. 

Mike instantly drops down to his knees when he sees the medium-sized brown and white dog barreling towards him. "Oh my god," he exclaims. The dog immediately runs over and practically tackles him to the ground. Mike starts petting him all over. Harvey is having a hard time deciding which of the two is more excited at the moment.

"Harvey, are you serious? Is he really ours?" Mike asks, not missing a beat with petting him.

"He is."

"What's his name? I got so excited, I didn't read the tag."

"Rockwell. Rocky for short. If you're okay with it, that is."

"I love it," Mike says before turning his full attention back to the dog. "Hey Rocky Roo, oh you're such a good boy, aren't you? You are so handsome." 

"I think he likes the dog," Sean says to Harvey.

"I think we could both leave right now and he wouldn't even notice."

"That would require him having noticed I came in here in the first place.," Sean replies with a laugh.

"Hey, thanks for helping out and keeping him for me until today. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, don't mention it. I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with him. That said, I, unfortunately, have to start heading back, I've got an early day tomorrow in court."

"No rest for the wicked. I won't hold you up here."

"You take care, Harvey," Sean says lightly slapping Harvey on the shoulder.

"You're leaving already?" Mike finally looks up and addresses Sean's presence.

"So you _do_ know I'm here. But yeah, I've got an early day tomorrow and it's probably going to be a long one."

"Aww," Mike says. "I'll be right back," he tells Rocky before standing up and walking over to Sean. "So you were Harvey's accomplice in this?"

"If a dogsitter counts as an accomplice, then sure."

"Wait...so is this why you didn't want to go to lunch with me the other day?"

"It's exactly why. I do still plan to cash in that raincheck you gave me though."

"I'm looking forward to it. Thanks for being a part of this."

"Of course. I'm glad Harvey included me." Sean crouches down on one knee, "As for you, it was great spending some one-on-one time with you. I look forward to seeing you again as well," he says, holding out a flat palm. Rocky sticks his paw in it and Sean shakes his hand. He gives him a few head rubs before standing back up. "All right, I'm out of here. Congrats on one year in the new place, guys. Proud of how far you come." He looks over at Harvey "Both of you."

"Thank you," Mike says before hugging Sean. 

"Harvey," Sean says sticking out his hand.

"Come here," Harvey says before opening his arms and giving Sean a quick hug.

Harvey walks him to the door and when he comes back in, Mike is sitting on the floor rubbing Rocky's belly. Harvey sits down and joins them.

"I can't believe we have a dog."

"Neither can I."

"What kind of dog is he? How old is he? When did you even decide on this?" Mike rambles off questions.

"He's some kind of husky mix, they don't really know other than that. He's 3 years old and I decided a few weeks ago. I went into the shelter to get more information about adopting and the lady let me look around and he caught my eye. And then she started telling me about him and well, the rest is history."

"What's his story?"

"He spent the entire first year of his life chained up in some asshole's yard. He was in really bad condition when they rescued him. They didn't even think he'd make it and--" Harvey starts to get choked up, "I guess I just sort of related."

"He's a fighter. Like you. Rocky makes sense. I'm so happy he's ours."

"I'm happy that you're happy."

-

They eventually end up on the couch together, all three of them. Rocky starts on Harvey's lap but by the end of the night, he has his head laying on Mike who fell asleep awhile ago.

"You are a traitor," Harvey says quietly to Rocky.

Rocky lifts his head at the sound of Harvey's voice and then lays it back down on Mike. "It's okay. You just met him and you love him already. That's something else you and I have in common."

Harvey adjusts the blanket on Mike so he's all covered up and then gets up to kill the lights in the house before laying back down on the couch with the two of them.

-

There's no way of knowing what the future holds, maybe they'll get lucky and things will continue to work out for them. Or maybe this whole thing is a ticking time bomb with a long fuse destined to blow up and destroy everything they've worked to build. But for now? They're not thinking about the what if's, they're thinking about the right now's. And right now, things are good. Right now, they're content being in a place in their lives that had felt unattainable too many times. Right now, they're falling asleep with their hearts feeling fuller than they've maybe ever felt.

Right now, they're happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's a wrap! at least for the happy/hopeful ending! i hope this is a somewhat satisfying ending. the alternate dark ending is still coming, too. as always, i appreciate anybody who took the time to read and/or comment. thank you!


End file.
